Nurse Jackie (2009–2015): Season 6, Episode 2 - Pillgrimage - full transcript
Jackie steals Dr. Roman's DEA number. Coop is recruited by a 'sperm scout'.
Previously on Nurse Jackie...
Today we welcome
back Dr. Roman...
from her three-month probation.
And the award goes to? Me.
I gave a scholarship
to my alma mater.
Kind of at a place in my life
where I want to feel more fulfilled.
- It's lighter than I expected.
- I'll make it up to you
tomorrow.
All right. Counting on it.
Keep going to meetings.
Work the steps.
You got a sponsor?
I'm not very good
with authority.
Okay, I am very good with people
who are not good with authority.
Listen up, people. Con Ed's
working on the power grid.
What's up with these
generators not kicking in?
I'll look into it.
Hey, Alexa. Towel, please.
Alexa doesn't work
here anymore. What?
She got busted
for selling drugs.
How fucked up is that?
♪♪
♪♪
Honey, I am still waiting
for one good reason...
I can't take you out tonight.
Don't we do fun
things when we stay in?
Fun? Some of them
are downright indecent.
Hmm, hmm, hmm.
All right. That's
Kevin and the girls.
Will you do me a favor?
Would you hop in the shower?
What, are we teenagers and
Mom and Dad are coming home?
- Hi.
- Mommy.
- Hey, hey. We made it.
- Mommy. Mommy, pick me up.
I don't know, sweetie.
You're kind of big.
- Pick me up, please.
- Sweetie. Whoops, okay.
- How you doing up there?
- God, Fi, how old are you?
Not a good question
to ask a lady.
Don't let us kill your morning.
- We'll pick it up and go.
- Oh, yes.
Sweetie, just a minute.
You forgot? Seriously?
Your birth certificate? No,
it's right here. I remembered.
You getting your
learner's permit? Passport.
My friend Mandy's parents own
this perfume company in Provence.
I'm going to intern in
the lab this summer.
- This is not for
your learner's permit?
- I thought she told you.
- Pick me up.
- Can we just
do this and go? Jesus.
Where are you planning
on staying? Pick me up.
They have this huge villa. Grace,
I don't even know these people.
It'll be fine. Stop.
Fi, stop it. You are
too big for this. Stop it.
Sweetie, I'm sorry.
France is not a done deal.
Oh, no, I am going.
No, not until your
father and I discuss it.
Tell you what. Come by the
bar tonight. You too, Frank.
We can't. We're going out.
- I'll call you, okay?
- Okay.
Fi, sweetie, I'm sorry.
Can I have a hug? Oh!
I'll talk to you later.
Okay. But I'm gonna
hold you to that.
There were witnesses.
Where are we going?
It's a secret.
I hate secrets.
Quick. You. Quick.
Gloria, you bought a penis car?
I didn't buy a penis car.
I won a penis car in a
poker game last night.
'65, huh? Look at that.
It's in mint condition too.
Exactly what the guy
with the three kings said...
when he put his
pink slip in the pot.
- Seems I have
a poker face.
- Not today.
Some people will do
anything for attention.
What?
Do you... Okay.
His name is Maksym
Gabor... 67, unresponsive.
- Prep Trauma.
- B.P. is 100 over 50.
Struck by a Zipcar
while riding a Citi Bike.
Who didn't see that one coming?
I'm a little busy, Dr. Roman.
I'm sorry. Dr. Roman? Brr, dude.
Do you have any idea what
kind of women troll those sites?
I'll let you know.
Dr... oman... auma.
I think they need you in Trauma.
Whatever.
All right.
Yeah, I'm sure it
sucks to get arrested.
But I'll tell you what, it's
pretty sucky over here too.
- I am totally out.
- Don't say it.
Totally out of sandwiches.
How lame is it a nurse
can't get a free lunch at work?
I don't steal
sandwiches from work.
Is that some kind of
fucked-up personal code?
It's a "too fucking smart
to get caught" code.
Fucking asshole.
I really don't need your help.
Favorite movie...
Goodfellas? It's a classic.
And a red flag that
you're a mouth-breather...
and all the fun that brings.
The Notebook?
Put your sensitive
self out there, Coop.
Trust the experience
of a middle-aged man...
who recently found
his soul mate online.
Really? A new boyfriend?
What happened with you and
the mime? We never talked.
What do you
think of the picture?
- It's too...
- Yes.
What? It's friendly
and dignified.
You're selling sensitivity,
not reverse mortgages.
We'll take another.
Favorite book?
Definitely The Shining. Perfect.
Catcher in the Rye.
More light please, Nurse.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Keep your eyes
closed. Eyes closed.
Very sorry about this.
Zoey here's gonna clean
you up and discharge you.
And, again, my apologies.
Mrs. Ak... Would
you please re...
Attention. Ak... Repor... E.R.
Fuck!
P.A.'s broken.
We can't hear you.
- Okay, I said...
- Akalitus is in the chapel.
Thought you said
you couldn't hear me.
Kind of makes you
wonder, doesn't it?
Mr. Gabor?
Squeeze my hand if a doctor
has diagnosed you with anything.
Sophia.
Yes, your wife is on her way.
Sophia.
Can I talk to you for
a second, please?
From the surge
after the brownout.
Lucky we didn't lose this place.
We are losing it. Piece
by piece, we're losing it.
The P.A. system is down again.
I just broke a lightbulb
over a patient...
Like I was christening a ship.
Bulbs break. P.A. systems cost.
The brownout was an act of God.
Or Con Ed. They're
pretty much the same.
Do you know how tired I am
of bringing all this shit to you?
Back at ya. We make do.
Oh, okay.
So what, I'm supposed to bring
in my own duct tape, baling wire?
What's next, my own syringes?
Tone, Dr. Prentiss.
Yeah, that's the
word, all right.
Tone.
And the tone that you
set is what... defeat?
Excuse me.
Dr. Cooper wants you to call
bay two's asthma prescription...
to her local pharmacy.
Can you dial this for me?
Anything else? Dinner
reservations or...
Uh, no. No, I'm good.
Hello, this is Dr. Carrie Roman.
My D.E.A. number? Are you ready?
A.R. 602-718-8.
Tonight, let's get you out.
Forget all about work.
Forget?
Now you sound like Akalitus.
Men, huh?
Look at me. I get
to say that now.
All we do is have
sex or talk about work.
What is that? It's a
relationship, Zoey.
I want to get him out,
do something we don't do
every night, which is nothing.
Oh, my God! Let's
go to dinner tonight.
I can't. Frank is taking me out.
We can double.
No. I don't even know
where we're going.
It's a surprise. Seriously?
You're so lucky.
Yeah, I lead a charmed life.
Want to take a ride in my car?
Um, kind of working.
Ike Prentiss gave me a ration
of shit for not stepping up.
Stepping up about
what? The P.A.?
The P.A., everything.
Hell of it is, he may be right.
Jackie, have I gotten
complacent and not noticed it?
You're doing the best
you can with what you got.
What more can you do?
Thanks for that.
You've been so clearheaded.
Hi. Yes, this is
Dr. Carrie Roman.
I'm calling in an
OxyContin prescription...
for my patient to pick up.
Yes, my D.E.A.
number... A.R. 602-718-8.
I'm sorry, Ms. Wood.
I know Dr. Roman called it in.
Did she mention there's a 24-hour
waiting period on OxyContin?
Ow. You all right?
You don't have any back there?
I hate seeing such
a pretty gal in pain.
I sure wish there was
something I could do for you.
A massage might loosen you up.
Hi. What are you
doing right now?
I hit on a pharmacist.
To score? Oh, that is grim.
Jackie, are you using again?
Is this what sponsorship is?
I call you for help and
you accuse me? Easy now.
I fucking bailed on
rehab 'cause it's bullshit.
I go to meetings.
They are bullshit.
You're pretty much it for me.
You called me, Jackie.
You told me to call
you if I needed help.
Okay, the cravings can't be new.
So is something going
on at work or at home?
Well, my daughter Grace... I
don't know what's going on with her.
Fiona is 10.
Every time I see her, she
acts like a three-year-old.
I've completely lost
touch with my kids.
Well, you screwed up.
Your kids didn't ask for
Mom to be an addict, did they?
I kicked the shit
out of my family too.
But that's addiction.
I hate to break it to you, Jackie
Peyton. You are not unique.
You have kids?
Mm-hmm.
Wow, a pharmacist.
Gee.
Aw, I once blew a
guy for a daiquiri.
Shit happens.
It's an old habit. I cheated on my
husband with the hospital pharmacist.
Oh! I knew I liked you.
Mr. Gabor... he's
still not talking.
Ooh, books. Yeah.
Present for Grace.
She is going to
France this summer.
I know. She's so excited.
Don't tell me.
Your 10th-grade math
teacher saw your dating profile...
and sent you a bathroom selfie.
No. But I did get an
unusual response.
I've been recruited
by a sperm scout.
Oh, we are so good.
Yeah. This says
my looks, status...
and obvious sensitivity...
make me a prime candidate in
the upscale sperm donor market.
Weird? Not weird?
You are going to do this.
You must. Coop, how
many of us at our age...
are sought out for
these opportunities?
It is kind of cool... A
bunch of mini Coops.
Mmm.
I feel like today
you and I gave birth.
Jackie, this is Mrs. Gabor.
We're doing absolutely
everything we can for your husband.
Sophia.
I'm here, Maksym.
Did you get his
history? Not yet.
Come on, I was getting to that.
Respiratory arrest.
What...
Step out, Doctor. Now, please.
Focus on me. Right here. Did he
have any preexisting conditions?
Yes, he was diagnosed
with congestive heart failure.
- Patient history of C.H.F.
- Zoey, prep 80 milligrams
of Lasix and four of morphine.
Shit. Difficulty oxygenating.
O2 sat slipping.
B.P. 70 over 40. Dropping.
- Still not breathing.
- Maksym.
Pushing Lasix.
Maksym!
He's breathing.
Weak, but hanging on.
You're doing
great. Stay with me.
- What is he saying?
- I don't know.
He moved from Ukraine as a
boy. We only spoke English.
What, Maksym? What?
He said, "I cannot die...
without telling you
something, my sweetness."
I'm fluent in Ukrainian.
Yonkers.
Please, Doctor, tell
me, what is he saying?
I have had an outside wife...
in Yonkers for 20 day... years.
And fathered two strong boys...
who you never knew about.
Oh, my God.
I could not take this
to my car... Grave.
O2 sat rising.
He's looking good.
Oy. Oy.
- He said...
- We got it.
Ukrainian? I'm blown away.
Who speaks Ukrainian?
"Roman" is short for "Romanoff."
I went to summer camp
every year in Vovchyk.
Guys, can we not...
For your... You know.
Ah.
Is that a specimen kit?
My online dating profile
attracted a top-rated semen scout.
My semen is highly prized.
So now you need
to... Yes, for testing.
As a medical professional,
I could assist with...
No. Stop.
Seriously? You're
turning me down?
Is that all you got, ever?
I was only... I
can't... You're pissed.
I'm almost 40.
I don't have anything
to show for it.
This is my shot.
My prediction for tonight...
a Circle Line cruise.
Surprises are the best.
I will share that
with Mrs. Gabor.
People.
People.
People. Gather, please.
I want you to understand that I
simply cannot fix everything here.
She called a
meeting to tell us that?
A new P.A. system, for instance,
bids out at 20 grand.
Which is exactly what I can
get for the Mustang I just won.
Wait a minute. You're
donating your penis car?
No!
That's your '65.
What else would you propose?
Ow, shit!
Fuck!
Go ahead and give it a shot.
Attention.
People in the E.R. Hell, yes!
It's working.
Ladies and germs,
Dr. Fixit himself.
Ahem, uh, people.
People.
This is the fourth floor.
They can hear
everything you say.
Damn it.
You know what?
I got it. Hold on.
One second. One second.
I think I may have looked
at kitchen counters...
around here somewhere.
Yeah?
Okay, we're here.
You ready?
♪♪
Good to see you. Hey, pal.
♪♪
Who are you?
I'm your partner, ma'am.
I have never done this before.
That's why I'm here.
Oh.
You're gonna be fine.
Just stay with me, all right?
All right, mix it up, y'all.
Now head couples
go forward and back.
Side couples forward and back.
Now swing your partner,
and she'll swing you.
Now promenade, go two by two.
Come on. That's good.
That's good. Come on.
All right, make
the circle, y'all.
Into the middle with
a great big shout.
♪♪
All right, y'all, let's kick
it up a notch. Listen up.
It's all right to
corner, allemande.
Left to your partner, allemande.
Right to the next. It's
a right and left grand.
Now left to your
partner, allemande.
Back where you came
from, right and left grand.
Pass your partner by, left
to the next. Courtesy turn.
Now head couples
go forward and back.
Now forward again
and you do-si-do.
Just circle up
four. Circle up four.
Circle up four in the
middle of the floor.
Now couples separate.
Make lines of four.
Go forward and back.
Now, gents, you allemande.
Go once and a halfway more...
to the other side of the floor.
Long lines forward and back.
Into the middle and
then back on now.
And you do it again.
And you pass through.
Now circle of four in
the middle of the floor.
Now you swing mine
and I'll swing yours.
Now keep goin' and
swing some more.
Now you bow to your
partner and corners all.
And bow to the
hall 'cause that's all.
♪♪
You were great.
I did what I could.
You did great.
Did you have fun?
That was fun, yeah.
I'm gonna get something
to drink. What can I get you?
I'm good, thanks. I'm
gonna use the bathroom.
All right, I'll meet
you back here. Okay.
I don't know what
you guys do nowadays,
if there's a handshake or
secret code or something.
You pretty much cracked it.
- That was it? Okay.
- Yeah.
♪♪
Do you like it? Yeah.
I wanted scarves on the lamps,
but I made do with
baby sheets from Peds.
Mmm.
My baby pictures.
Inspiration for you. Oh.
Isn't it a little weird me
looking at me while I...
You were a beautiful baby.
Now... make a beautiful one.
Ah! So good.
Yeah.
♪♪
This is way more fun
with somebody else.
My girlfriend hates this shit.
My boyfriend's a cop.
No, he really is.
Put a smile on her mouth.
All join hands and circle south.
Now you bow to your
partner, corner salute.
Now you circle
around, go lickety-scoot.
Chase that rabbit,
chase that squirrel.
Take that lady around the world.
♪♪
Chicken in the bread
pan peckin' out dough.
Now promenade with heel and toe.
Listen to a cop
from New York City.
Men to the center
for a right-hand star.
Now swing your
partner and don't go far.
Men to the center
for a left-hand star.
Now pick up your partner
right where they are.
Circle once around.
Now circle out and
come back home.
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
Today we welcome
back Dr. Roman...
from her three-month probation.
And the award goes to? Me.
I gave a scholarship
to my alma mater.
Kind of at a place in my life
where I want to feel more fulfilled.
- It's lighter than I expected.
- I'll make it up to you
tomorrow.
All right. Counting on it.
Keep going to meetings.
Work the steps.
You got a sponsor?
I'm not very good
with authority.
Okay, I am very good with people
who are not good with authority.
Listen up, people. Con Ed's
working on the power grid.
What's up with these
generators not kicking in?
I'll look into it.
Hey, Alexa. Towel, please.
Alexa doesn't work
here anymore. What?
She got busted
for selling drugs.
How fucked up is that?
♪♪
♪♪
Honey, I am still waiting
for one good reason...
I can't take you out tonight.
Don't we do fun
things when we stay in?
Fun? Some of them
are downright indecent.
Hmm, hmm, hmm.
All right. That's
Kevin and the girls.
Will you do me a favor?
Would you hop in the shower?
What, are we teenagers and
Mom and Dad are coming home?
- Hi.
- Mommy.
- Hey, hey. We made it.
- Mommy. Mommy, pick me up.
I don't know, sweetie.
You're kind of big.
- Pick me up, please.
- Sweetie. Whoops, okay.
- How you doing up there?
- God, Fi, how old are you?
Not a good question
to ask a lady.
Don't let us kill your morning.
- We'll pick it up and go.
- Oh, yes.
Sweetie, just a minute.
You forgot? Seriously?
Your birth certificate? No,
it's right here. I remembered.
You getting your
learner's permit? Passport.
My friend Mandy's parents own
this perfume company in Provence.
I'm going to intern in
the lab this summer.
- This is not for
your learner's permit?
- I thought she told you.
- Pick me up.
- Can we just
do this and go? Jesus.
Where are you planning
on staying? Pick me up.
They have this huge villa. Grace,
I don't even know these people.
It'll be fine. Stop.
Fi, stop it. You are
too big for this. Stop it.
Sweetie, I'm sorry.
France is not a done deal.
Oh, no, I am going.
No, not until your
father and I discuss it.
Tell you what. Come by the
bar tonight. You too, Frank.
We can't. We're going out.
- I'll call you, okay?
- Okay.
Fi, sweetie, I'm sorry.
Can I have a hug? Oh!
I'll talk to you later.
Okay. But I'm gonna
hold you to that.
There were witnesses.
Where are we going?
It's a secret.
I hate secrets.
Quick. You. Quick.
Gloria, you bought a penis car?
I didn't buy a penis car.
I won a penis car in a
poker game last night.
'65, huh? Look at that.
It's in mint condition too.
Exactly what the guy
with the three kings said...
when he put his
pink slip in the pot.
- Seems I have
a poker face.
- Not today.
Some people will do
anything for attention.
What?
Do you... Okay.
His name is Maksym
Gabor... 67, unresponsive.
- Prep Trauma.
- B.P. is 100 over 50.
Struck by a Zipcar
while riding a Citi Bike.
Who didn't see that one coming?
I'm a little busy, Dr. Roman.
I'm sorry. Dr. Roman? Brr, dude.
Do you have any idea what
kind of women troll those sites?
I'll let you know.
Dr... oman... auma.
I think they need you in Trauma.
Whatever.
All right.
Yeah, I'm sure it
sucks to get arrested.
But I'll tell you what, it's
pretty sucky over here too.
- I am totally out.
- Don't say it.
Totally out of sandwiches.
How lame is it a nurse
can't get a free lunch at work?
I don't steal
sandwiches from work.
Is that some kind of
fucked-up personal code?
It's a "too fucking smart
to get caught" code.
Fucking asshole.
I really don't need your help.
Favorite movie...
Goodfellas? It's a classic.
And a red flag that
you're a mouth-breather...
and all the fun that brings.
The Notebook?
Put your sensitive
self out there, Coop.
Trust the experience
of a middle-aged man...
who recently found
his soul mate online.
Really? A new boyfriend?
What happened with you and
the mime? We never talked.
What do you
think of the picture?
- It's too...
- Yes.
What? It's friendly
and dignified.
You're selling sensitivity,
not reverse mortgages.
We'll take another.
Favorite book?
Definitely The Shining. Perfect.
Catcher in the Rye.
More light please, Nurse.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Keep your eyes
closed. Eyes closed.
Very sorry about this.
Zoey here's gonna clean
you up and discharge you.
And, again, my apologies.
Mrs. Ak... Would
you please re...
Attention. Ak... Repor... E.R.
Fuck!
P.A.'s broken.
We can't hear you.
- Okay, I said...
- Akalitus is in the chapel.
Thought you said
you couldn't hear me.
Kind of makes you
wonder, doesn't it?
Mr. Gabor?
Squeeze my hand if a doctor
has diagnosed you with anything.
Sophia.
Yes, your wife is on her way.
Sophia.
Can I talk to you for
a second, please?
From the surge
after the brownout.
Lucky we didn't lose this place.
We are losing it. Piece
by piece, we're losing it.
The P.A. system is down again.
I just broke a lightbulb
over a patient...
Like I was christening a ship.
Bulbs break. P.A. systems cost.
The brownout was an act of God.
Or Con Ed. They're
pretty much the same.
Do you know how tired I am
of bringing all this shit to you?
Back at ya. We make do.
Oh, okay.
So what, I'm supposed to bring
in my own duct tape, baling wire?
What's next, my own syringes?
Tone, Dr. Prentiss.
Yeah, that's the
word, all right.
Tone.
And the tone that you
set is what... defeat?
Excuse me.
Dr. Cooper wants you to call
bay two's asthma prescription...
to her local pharmacy.
Can you dial this for me?
Anything else? Dinner
reservations or...
Uh, no. No, I'm good.
Hello, this is Dr. Carrie Roman.
My D.E.A. number? Are you ready?
A.R. 602-718-8.
Tonight, let's get you out.
Forget all about work.
Forget?
Now you sound like Akalitus.
Men, huh?
Look at me. I get
to say that now.
All we do is have
sex or talk about work.
What is that? It's a
relationship, Zoey.
I want to get him out,
do something we don't do
every night, which is nothing.
Oh, my God! Let's
go to dinner tonight.
I can't. Frank is taking me out.
We can double.
No. I don't even know
where we're going.
It's a surprise. Seriously?
You're so lucky.
Yeah, I lead a charmed life.
Want to take a ride in my car?
Um, kind of working.
Ike Prentiss gave me a ration
of shit for not stepping up.
Stepping up about
what? The P.A.?
The P.A., everything.
Hell of it is, he may be right.
Jackie, have I gotten
complacent and not noticed it?
You're doing the best
you can with what you got.
What more can you do?
Thanks for that.
You've been so clearheaded.
Hi. Yes, this is
Dr. Carrie Roman.
I'm calling in an
OxyContin prescription...
for my patient to pick up.
Yes, my D.E.A.
number... A.R. 602-718-8.
I'm sorry, Ms. Wood.
I know Dr. Roman called it in.
Did she mention there's a 24-hour
waiting period on OxyContin?
Ow. You all right?
You don't have any back there?
I hate seeing such
a pretty gal in pain.
I sure wish there was
something I could do for you.
A massage might loosen you up.
Hi. What are you
doing right now?
I hit on a pharmacist.
To score? Oh, that is grim.
Jackie, are you using again?
Is this what sponsorship is?
I call you for help and
you accuse me? Easy now.
I fucking bailed on
rehab 'cause it's bullshit.
I go to meetings.
They are bullshit.
You're pretty much it for me.
You called me, Jackie.
You told me to call
you if I needed help.
Okay, the cravings can't be new.
So is something going
on at work or at home?
Well, my daughter Grace... I
don't know what's going on with her.
Fiona is 10.
Every time I see her, she
acts like a three-year-old.
I've completely lost
touch with my kids.
Well, you screwed up.
Your kids didn't ask for
Mom to be an addict, did they?
I kicked the shit
out of my family too.
But that's addiction.
I hate to break it to you, Jackie
Peyton. You are not unique.
You have kids?
Mm-hmm.
Wow, a pharmacist.
Gee.
Aw, I once blew a
guy for a daiquiri.
Shit happens.
It's an old habit. I cheated on my
husband with the hospital pharmacist.
Oh! I knew I liked you.
Mr. Gabor... he's
still not talking.
Ooh, books. Yeah.
Present for Grace.
She is going to
France this summer.
I know. She's so excited.
Don't tell me.
Your 10th-grade math
teacher saw your dating profile...
and sent you a bathroom selfie.
No. But I did get an
unusual response.
I've been recruited
by a sperm scout.
Oh, we are so good.
Yeah. This says
my looks, status...
and obvious sensitivity...
make me a prime candidate in
the upscale sperm donor market.
Weird? Not weird?
You are going to do this.
You must. Coop, how
many of us at our age...
are sought out for
these opportunities?
It is kind of cool... A
bunch of mini Coops.
Mmm.
I feel like today
you and I gave birth.
Jackie, this is Mrs. Gabor.
We're doing absolutely
everything we can for your husband.
Sophia.
I'm here, Maksym.
Did you get his
history? Not yet.
Come on, I was getting to that.
Respiratory arrest.
What...
Step out, Doctor. Now, please.
Focus on me. Right here. Did he
have any preexisting conditions?
Yes, he was diagnosed
with congestive heart failure.
- Patient history of C.H.F.
- Zoey, prep 80 milligrams
of Lasix and four of morphine.
Shit. Difficulty oxygenating.
O2 sat slipping.
B.P. 70 over 40. Dropping.
- Still not breathing.
- Maksym.
Pushing Lasix.
Maksym!
He's breathing.
Weak, but hanging on.
You're doing
great. Stay with me.
- What is he saying?
- I don't know.
He moved from Ukraine as a
boy. We only spoke English.
What, Maksym? What?
He said, "I cannot die...
without telling you
something, my sweetness."
I'm fluent in Ukrainian.
Yonkers.
Please, Doctor, tell
me, what is he saying?
I have had an outside wife...
in Yonkers for 20 day... years.
And fathered two strong boys...
who you never knew about.
Oh, my God.
I could not take this
to my car... Grave.
O2 sat rising.
He's looking good.
Oy. Oy.
- He said...
- We got it.
Ukrainian? I'm blown away.
Who speaks Ukrainian?
"Roman" is short for "Romanoff."
I went to summer camp
every year in Vovchyk.
Guys, can we not...
For your... You know.
Ah.
Is that a specimen kit?
My online dating profile
attracted a top-rated semen scout.
My semen is highly prized.
So now you need
to... Yes, for testing.
As a medical professional,
I could assist with...
No. Stop.
Seriously? You're
turning me down?
Is that all you got, ever?
I was only... I
can't... You're pissed.
I'm almost 40.
I don't have anything
to show for it.
This is my shot.
My prediction for tonight...
a Circle Line cruise.
Surprises are the best.
I will share that
with Mrs. Gabor.
People.
People.
People. Gather, please.
I want you to understand that I
simply cannot fix everything here.
She called a
meeting to tell us that?
A new P.A. system, for instance,
bids out at 20 grand.
Which is exactly what I can
get for the Mustang I just won.
Wait a minute. You're
donating your penis car?
No!
That's your '65.
What else would you propose?
Ow, shit!
Fuck!
Go ahead and give it a shot.
Attention.
People in the E.R. Hell, yes!
It's working.
Ladies and germs,
Dr. Fixit himself.
Ahem, uh, people.
People.
This is the fourth floor.
They can hear
everything you say.
Damn it.
You know what?
I got it. Hold on.
One second. One second.
I think I may have looked
at kitchen counters...
around here somewhere.
Yeah?
Okay, we're here.
You ready?
♪♪
Good to see you. Hey, pal.
♪♪
Who are you?
I'm your partner, ma'am.
I have never done this before.
That's why I'm here.
Oh.
You're gonna be fine.
Just stay with me, all right?
All right, mix it up, y'all.
Now head couples
go forward and back.
Side couples forward and back.
Now swing your partner,
and she'll swing you.
Now promenade, go two by two.
Come on. That's good.
That's good. Come on.
All right, make
the circle, y'all.
Into the middle with
a great big shout.
♪♪
All right, y'all, let's kick
it up a notch. Listen up.
It's all right to
corner, allemande.
Left to your partner, allemande.
Right to the next. It's
a right and left grand.
Now left to your
partner, allemande.
Back where you came
from, right and left grand.
Pass your partner by, left
to the next. Courtesy turn.
Now head couples
go forward and back.
Now forward again
and you do-si-do.
Just circle up
four. Circle up four.
Circle up four in the
middle of the floor.
Now couples separate.
Make lines of four.
Go forward and back.
Now, gents, you allemande.
Go once and a halfway more...
to the other side of the floor.
Long lines forward and back.
Into the middle and
then back on now.
And you do it again.
And you pass through.
Now circle of four in
the middle of the floor.
Now you swing mine
and I'll swing yours.
Now keep goin' and
swing some more.
Now you bow to your
partner and corners all.
And bow to the
hall 'cause that's all.
♪♪
You were great.
I did what I could.
You did great.
Did you have fun?
That was fun, yeah.
I'm gonna get something
to drink. What can I get you?
I'm good, thanks. I'm
gonna use the bathroom.
All right, I'll meet
you back here. Okay.
I don't know what
you guys do nowadays,
if there's a handshake or
secret code or something.
You pretty much cracked it.
- That was it? Okay.
- Yeah.
♪♪
Do you like it? Yeah.
I wanted scarves on the lamps,
but I made do with
baby sheets from Peds.
Mmm.
My baby pictures.
Inspiration for you. Oh.
Isn't it a little weird me
looking at me while I...
You were a beautiful baby.
Now... make a beautiful one.
Ah! So good.
Yeah.
♪♪
This is way more fun
with somebody else.
My girlfriend hates this shit.
My boyfriend's a cop.
No, he really is.
Put a smile on her mouth.
All join hands and circle south.
Now you bow to your
partner, corner salute.
Now you circle
around, go lickety-scoot.
Chase that rabbit,
chase that squirrel.
Take that lady around the world.
♪♪
Chicken in the bread
pan peckin' out dough.
Now promenade with heel and toe.
Listen to a cop
from New York City.
Men to the center
for a right-hand star.
Now swing your
partner and don't go far.
Men to the center
for a left-hand star.
Now pick up your partner
right where they are.
Circle once around.
Now circle out and
come back home.
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪