Nurse Jackie (2009–2015): Season 1, Episode 3 - Chicken Soup - full transcript

Previously on:

Hi. Zoey.

First year nursing.

After 12.5 hours,

nurses are three times
more likely to make mistakes.

Lies, Mrs. Akalitis, lies.

He paged you 20 minutes
ago. Seriously, 20 minutes?

What do you doctors have against
healing people for chrissake?

Yeah, you see that right there.

Healing, helping, fixing.

Fantastic.



That's why you're a nurse.

I don't think I can do this.

This job is wading through
a shit storm of people

who come into this place

on the very worst day
of their lives, so buck up.

That's what they're looking
for. They're looking for God.

I'm sorry, I get excited.

Brought you
something for your back.

I was thinking more
along the lines of Vicodin.

I'm not an idiot.

Hey, babe. DAUGHTERS: Mom.

You're kissing too hard.

No such thing. My
heads, my rules.

Oh, morning.



Such calm.

And so quiet and so peaceful.

I can breathe it in.

I can almost feel it inside.

Yeah, almost there.

Almost.

Yes.

Hey. Hey.

Hey, jumpy. Sorry,
I'm half asleep.

Okay, it's all yours.

I wanna show you something.

I asked Grace what
she wanted to watch.

And instead of cartoons she
chose a documentary called

Viral Armageddon:
Death Knell For Mankind.

So she's interested in science.

She's constantly stressed.

It's not about
science, it's not about...

I'm wondering if it's about
something bigger than that.

No, I don't think it is, honey.

I think she's gonna
be a teenager.

I think she's... Her
moods are erratic.

You know, I think it's normal.

Well, all she wants to
do is watch documentaries

about world wars
and global warming.

She seems so nervous.

Honey, she's 10.

What has she got
to be nervous about?

Hm?

Thought I'd swing by the
hospital, take you out to lunch.

Ugh. Today's awful.

It's Thursday.
It's gonna be nuts.

Can I take a rain check?

Sure. Okay.

It's been raining a lot lately.

Well, you know,

April showers bring May flowers.

And if you're really
good maybe a blow job.

Okay, kiddos, school
time. Saddle up.

Hey, Eddie, it's me.

I just called to
say good morning.

Um, I really need to
see you this morning.

I mean, I really wanna
see you this morning.

So if you could find me
as soon as you get in,

that'd be great, okay?

Bye.

So you see, I
know all about this

because I-I was in
the Army, you know.

Is that right? Jackie.

Hi, Ta-da. My new stethoscope.

Okay, uh, first,
get me those leads.

Second, don't ever
say "ta-da" again, okay?

The only people who say
"ta-da" are magicians and idiots.

It's cool, isn't it?

My mom got it for me.

Leads.

I swear to God, Jacks,

the salespeople at
Bergdorf are so foul.

They almost make me regret
spending $1200 on a scarf.

May I? Um.

Okay, Mr. Bernard Zimberg,

fluid in his lungs,
shortness of breath.

So, Mr. Zimberg,

how long have you had
congestive heart disease?

I had quintuple bypass

the same year the Rangers
won the Stanley Cup.

That's 1994.

I'm still having dreams
about Mark Messier.

Canada's finest
import since bacon.

Well, Mr. Zimberg,

your arteries are
not cooperating.

They're closing up again,
which is restricting blood flow

to your heart and
causing fluid to build up.

We'll take a cardiology consult,

but I'd say you're looking
at angioplasty at the least.

And another bypass at the most.

Nurse, a moment please.

I'm thinking sushi
or Indian for lunch.

Text me and I'll make a rezzy.

Oh, but, um... Okay,
so, Mr. Zimberg,

as soon as we speak to
the cardiologist, I think...

No. No cardiologists.

No more angioplasty.
No more bypass.

No more bupkis.

I'm sorry?

I'm sorry to be
so irritable, but...

An old friend of
mine used to say:

"Well, that's life
in the Balkans."

I didn't know what the
hell he was talking about.

One thing I don't want...

I don't want my wife to lose
one minute of sleep over this.

You got it?

Here she comes. My
childhood sweetheart.

There you are. Yes.

I looked and looked.

And now you found.

So I was just talking to your
husband about his options.

And I was telling
this nice nurse here

that I've had it
with the doctors.

And the medicine.

Yes. He doesn't need any of it.

Everything he needs
to recover is in this bag.

In that bag, it's true.

Is that right? Well,
that must be some bag.

Oh, okay, hold on just a minute.

I'll be right back.

Here. Smile, smile.
I'm smiling. I'm smiling.

You rang? Yes, my
back is killing me.

Oh, I'll take care of you.

Twenty minutes?

Mm-hm.

Twenty-eight-year-old female.

Severe abdominal pain.
Pulse is tachy around 130.

Well, no fever. Honey,
you're drenched.

I'm cold but I'm
sweating. It's so weird.

Is she gonna be okay, you guys?

Are you allergic to
any medications?

Doc, I don't know,
I'm sorry. Hon?

Uh, penicillin. Okay.

You all right to
get on to this bed?

There you go.

Okay.

When did this start?

Um, uh, I wasn't
feeling great last night.

But this morning, I really
started cramping up.

I'm sorry, you guys.

We're in New York on vacation,

we're not from here. I gathered.

How could you tell?

I'm gonna guess Midwest.
Ohio. How did you know?

Because you're in pain
and you're apologizing.

Sorry.

It's our first anniversary.

Is that right? Congratulations.

Thank you. I thought it
might be something she ate.

I've never really seen
her this sick before.

Okay, well, your pulse is high,

but other than that,
your vital signs are okay.

We might wanna
do a pregnancy test.

Yes, please. Oh, hon, what if?

Um, Jackie?

Hi.

Please don't say hi every
time you see me, okay?

Once a week is plenty.

In fact, if you go five
days without saying hi,

I will buy you a MetroCard.

Um, okay.

So... great.

And I just wanted to tell
you I put in all the IVs.

I bandaged... Where's
your stethoscope?

Dr. O'Hara took
it when we were...

I don't care. It's
part of your uniform.

Find it. Make sure it
is with you at all times.

Dr. O'Hara's...

a doctor.

Okay, here's a tip.

Doctors take shit.

Sandwiches,
stethoscopes, credit.

It's what they do. They
can't help themselves.

Figure it out, Zoey.

Hey.

Back still hurt?

Yeah, it's not good. Come on.

I got what you need.

Sit. Okay.

Let me.

All right?

All right.

Yeah, that's it right
there. You got it.

Yeah, I'm gonna...

Eddie?

Yep.

Your hands feel sad.

You're killing me, Jackie.

What's up?

They're replacing
me with a Pyxis.

They're what?

Over my dead body.

Yeah. No, I mean, I think
you would lose that one.

Are they gonna transfer
you to another floor?

I think the point is total
automation, so I doubt it.

What are you gonna
do? I don't know.

Duane Reade, CVS...

You know, I'll
figure out something.

Don't worry about me.

Fucking Pyxis, are
you kidding me?

They gonna replace you

with a fucking bullshit
robot-pill machine?

No, technically,
it's not a robot.

Wait, actually, it is.

I don't fucking believe this.

So, what, we're gonna
need ID numbers now

so they can keep track
of every aspirin we take?

Welcome to the
forefront of healthcare.

Like we need more oversight.

Why don't you just staple a
fucking camera to my forehead?

It's gonna take us
like 20 minutes now

to punch a number
into a keyboard

to get a fucking Motrin.

I swear to God, I could puke.

Yeah, I'm gonna miss you too.

Excuse me, Coop?

Coop.

You finally did it.

Hey, hey, come here, come here.

Get a load of this guy's hand.

Grim, right?

Yes, very.

Listen, um, I need you to put
in your two cents with the board

or whatever it is that wants
a Pyxis in the pharmacy.

Shut up, we're getting a Pyxis?

Even the name sounds cool.

Pyxis, I love that.
No, it's not cool.

It's the opposite of cool.

Vote no on the Pyxis.

Captain, we are powerless

against the crushing
force of the Pyxis.

You done?

Jackie, we're talking about
the seamless integration

of man and machine.
Come on, step into the future.

Stop it, please.

First of all, that machine is
not only an insult to nurses

it is also squeezing
Eddie out of a job.

Whoa, whoa.

You don't want me
to put my two cents in.

You want me to put
your two cents in.

So how about next
time you need a favor,

just ask?

Huh?

Oh, wait, wait, wait.

Is this, uh, because you
have a little crush on Eddie?

Yeah, that's it, Coop. I
have a huge crush on Eddie.

In fact, we fuck
every day at noon.

You're a moron.

How are we on
time? No, we're good.

Just don't get fancy.

Chicken soup.

Chicken soup.

Is that what was in that bag?

Here, smell.

- Oh, that smells good.
- Yeah, it is.

It's kept me alive
two years longer

than any doctor predicted.

It's all I need.

The doctor that told Bernie

he had less than six
months to live, he's dead.

Hit by a bus. Crosstown M14.

They're nice buses, if you
have to get hit by a bus.

You could do worse.

All right, well, if I may.

You have been evaluated

by one of the best
doctors in the hospital.

I trust her implicitly.

And she recommended a consult
and some additional therapy.

No, no. No more.

The only thing invading me

will be carrots and chicken.

He's had enough.

The treatments only make
him sicker. Please, trust us.

This soup is better than
anything you have to offer.

Heh-heh, they don't
call chicken soup

Jewish Penicillin for nothing.

It's all about faith.

It's a cure-all.

Back in ancient times,

a Jewish mystic
blessed the very first pot

and to this very day,

there's a little
magic in every sip.

True, not true,
it's a nice story.

Well, right, we'll go with true.

Attagirl.

Okay, I'm sorry, but I need
to be perfectly clear about this.

So you are refusing
medical treatment

and you are choosing
to eat soup instead?

Yes. After I eat,

me and my chick
will be on our way.

Okay, well, if I
can be of any help,

you'll let me know.

Sweetheart, that I accept.

Okay.

Jackie, I'm really sorry
about the Eddie thing. I was...

This is Mr. Batali,
31-year-old male...

Mr. Batali?

Mr. Batali?

Are you with us, Mr. Batali?

What's going on?

Sir, you were brought in here

unconscious a
couple minutes ago.

You've got some serious
lacerations on your testicles.

You've got a nasty
lump on your head.

Oh, my God, I'm in stirrups?

Can you tell us what happened?

Goddamn it, Roy.

Oh, boyfriend trouble?

Listen, if you wanna
press charges,

this place is
crawling with cops.

No. No, I'm not pressing
charges against Roy.

Is Roy a friend or
a roommate or...?

Roy is my cat.

Oh, yeah, a cat did that.

Really? Yes.

Okay, yes.

I was cleaning my
bathtub nude, okay?

So I was nude and I
was leaning over the tub

and Roy dove for my scrotum

and I fell into the tub
and knocked myself out.

There, happy?

I married my cat when I was 6.

Made him a little
tuxedo and everything.

Aren't cats great?

Zoey, where is your stethoscope?

I know, shut up, go get it.

I guess it could happen.

Sure, I can see it.

You know, the guy's
naked, he's bent over the tub,

he's cleaning.

There's a certain
amount of movement.

You know, some swinging action.

What cat could
resist that? Exactly.

It's like a little pink mouse
swinging from a vine.

I don't know that I would
have gone there but, you know,

if it works for you.

How you doin'? Oh,
hey, how are you?

Good. Those for your wife?

Yeah, she usually
doesn't read magazines.

She's more of a book person.

So I don't really know
which one of these she'd like.

May I?

Please.

Well, this one is
for 40-year-olds.

This one is for teenagers.

This one's in Spanish.

Let's see.

Um.

And this.

Here you go.

Thank you.

You know, you've been so nice.

It's not true what they
say about New Yorkers.

Hm, yes, it is.

What? I can't believe you.

Why? You were just...

You were just... You just
were cruising Dr. Cooper.

Did not.

You were licking your
lips like a cartoon wolf.

It's no big deal.

He's good-looking.

Second time today I felt
like I was gonna puke.

Sometimes the people who
disgust you are the hottest fucks.

Sometimes the people who
disgust you just disgust you.

Whatever.

Hello, dear.

Excuse me, who's your doctor?

He doesn't have a doctor.

He doesn't? No.

He's eating soup.

I see that.

Hi, Mrs. Akalitis.

The Zimbergs are waiting
on some test results

and I told them they can
stay in here until they get them.

Is that right?

They can wait in
the waiting room.

Okay, can I speak
with you a minute?

Oy.

That's not a happy woman.

Gloria, can you be a
nurse again for one second,

stick your head in there
and tell me what you see?

He's dying. Yes, he is.

All right.

He can have till
the end of your shift.

Hey, Thor, could you help me

get my stethoscope
back from Dr. O'Hara?

Hm. No.

I saved two lives today.

Doctors are just people.

Hi, Mrs. O'Hara. Can I...?

Hi, Dr. O'Hara.

My stethoscope that you
borrowed from me this morning,

can I...?

Dr. O'Hara, it's
come to my attention

that you have my stethoscope.

Oh, hello, Angela.

Um, it's not An... It... Um...

Thank you.

No, old guy. The old guy.
No, the old guy, Zimberg.

He made this whole big
thing about refusing treatment.

But he's in there eating
chicken soup instead.

Really? Mm.

God, Jews are so funny.

Is that racist?

I think it's a compliment.

He knows he's dying. He
doesn't want his wife to know.

So, you know, she's in there
feeding him soup right now.

For God's sake, I hope
he's got a bloody DNR.

He's an absolute
knob if he doesn't.

I mean, trying to
bring them back to life

is such a bloody mess.

Why would his wife
wanna put him through that?

It's fucking appalling really.

It's easy for you to say.

You're sitting in
the prime of your life

eating your, you
know, spicy money roll.

What happens when you
spend a little more time

with somebody you love?

See how easy it is
to walk away then.

That's assuming an awful lot.

Okay, hypothetical.

Go.

Eddie and your husband
decide to become friends.

You know what...?

Not finished.

Eddie and your
husband become friends

and the Titanic is sinking,

and only one of
them gets to survive.

Which one?

Hah-hah, you know, you're
really a very mean-spirited woman.

Hm.

I think Grace is starting
to unravel a little bit.

It's scaring the shit out of me.

If you need anything,
and I mean anything,

you'd better bloody
tell me, or I will kill you.

Yes.

And then she'll be motherless.

And then I'll have to take her.

Oh, God.

You know you took my
precept's stethoscope, right?

I know. I've been having
the most marvelous time

watching her muster the
courage to ask for it back.

Labs are back.

Woman in Curtain
2 ain't preggers.

Thank you. Mm-hm.

All right, so you're
not pregnant.

I'm not?

No, you were
withdrawing from opiates.

What?

So what were you
taking and how much?

I wasn't taking anything.
Bullshit me, I can't help you.

How did you know?

Cramps, sweating. You
know, it's my job to know.

So tell me.

I got my wisdom teeth
out about six months ago.

They gave me Vicodin.

I loved it, and it's
so easy to get online.

I mean, it's like the most
amazing feeling I've ever had.

Like the most perfect
day of your entire life.

And that's not easy
to feel in Toledo, Ohio.

So you ran out of Vicodin?

No, I just figured it's
our first anniversary.

We're on a trip. I
didn't think I'd need it.

Well, you can't stop
taking opioids just like that.

You've got to taper down slowly.

You're on a very slippery slope.

Well, I don't
think... No, I'm okay.

It's not like I'm addicted.

Mm-hm.

By the way, trying
to get pregnant

while you're taking pain
killers recreationally...

That's not a great plan.

Please don't tell him.

His dad drinks.
This will kill him.

All right. I'm gonna get
you a phone number.

No, no, no code.
We're all right, no code.

I'm so sorry.

You know, I think the soup

really did help
ease his suffering.

That's all I ever wanted.

I knew he was dying.

Even though he
didn't want me to know.

We were married
for a hundred years.

How could I not
know he was dying?

Sorry for your loss.

You're welcome.

What did that mean?

It's Yiddish... for
"go shit in the ocean."

Very nice.

Hi.

It's me. It's Angela.

I was... wondering
if I could get

my stethosc...

Well done, Angela.

Hey, sweetie.

Mom, could the bubonic
plague ever happen again?

No, sweetie.

We have medicine and sanitation
that they didn't have back then.

Then what about the flu?

Could a flu epidemic
wipe out 40 million people

like it did in 1918?

Honey, these are
not impor... Could it?

No.

No.

Want some soup?

Not really.

It's really good
for you, monkey.

It's chicken soup.

Wanna try just a little bit?

That's good, right?