Not Going Out (2006–…): Season 9, Episode 4 - Pets - full transcript
# We're not going out
# Not staying in
# Just hanging around
With my head in a spin
# But there is no need
to scream and shout
# We're not going out
Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!
We've got good news!
Don't tell me, your mother is
seeing the window cleaner,
and so he's going to clean
the greenhouse for free.
Mummy said we can get a rabbit!
What♪ No, I didn't.
I said we'd talk to
Daddy about getting a rabbit.
That's not talking,
that's hypnotising.
You stay here while Daddy
and I have a conversation.
I thought we made joint
decisions about things like this.
Well, to begin with,
they wanted a dog.
And I knew you wouldn't want that,
so I thought a rabbit would be
a good compromise.
So, in a way, it was a joint
decision.
It just didn't involve you.
I think the responsibility would be
good for them.
Well, can't we start with something
a little less high-maintenance,
like a goldfish or some cress?
I had rabbits growing up.
Well, I had nits, but I didn't
give them names and little hutches.
Oh come on.
It'll be nice to have a sweet
little sniffle-nosed bunnykins.
And how can you say no to those
little faces?
You shouldn't be
raising their hopes like this
and then disappointing them.
Says the man who promised them
a Harry Potter experience,
then made them sleep in the cupboard
under the stairs.
If we get a rabbit,
shall I tell you what will happen?
One day it will die,
and they will be sad.
Well, that's another good lesson.
It'll prepare the kids for death.
My parents won't live forever,
you know.
They might, just to spite me.
I'm telling you, Lucy,
they will get bored with it,
and we will be the ones who end up
looking after it.
OK, how about this♪ I will
personally make sure they look after
it, and if they don't,
I will look after it.
You won't have to be
involved at all.
Basically the same arrangement
we've got with the childcare.
Hooray!
Nothing's been agreed!
If we do get a pet, do you promise
to look after it properly?
To feed it and clean it
and play with it every day?
Yes.
And do you know what would happen
if you neglected it?
It would die. Exactly.
And it would come back as a ghost
and haunt you for the rest
of your life.
Yeah, if anything does happen
to their grandparents,
let me do the talking.
We'll look after it, we promise.
Please, Daddy.
Well, me and your mother have had
a serious discussion,
and we have made the joint decision
that, yes, you can have a rabbit.
- Now you cheer.
- Hooray!
That was just on the off-chance
you happened to agree.
So, why a rescue centre
and not a pet shop?
Because this way we give an animal
a second chance at a good home.
Why do they need a second chance?
What did they do wrong
the first time?
Can I help you♪ Yes, I'd like you to
re-house my husband, please.
I've been spayed.
Not by a vet, by marriage.
Um, we're looking for a rabbit.
Well, have a look round,
find one you like,
and then we'll do the interview.
Oh, we don't need to interview it,
we'll just take the one with
the biggest ears.
Don't worry,
we understand the commitment.
A dog is not just for Christmas
and all that.
I thought you were getting a rabbit.
All right,
a rabbit's not just for...Easter.
It's not Easter. All right,
a rabbit's not just for...
We're not going to kill the rabbit,
is what I'm trying to say.
Mummy, Daddy, we've decided.
We want this one.
Oh! I bet they picked
a really cute one.
I love their sweet little
button noses.
What in God's name is that?!
We love him, Mummy.
But we agreed to get a rabbit,
not a...raw sausage with teeth.
You don't really want that, do you?
Why not?
They say, in London, you're never
more than six feet away from a rat.
At least this way we'll know
exactly where it is.
It's a hairless rat.
It's actually quite rare.
Have you not got one
that's well done?
He's so sweet!
Well, it looks like the kids have
decided.
You don't actually like this thing,
do you?
I think it looks
like a scrotum on legs.
But it's not me that's going to have
to be looking after it, is it?
It's the kids. And if they don't,
you are, because that was the deal.
- We'll take it.
- Hooray!
Right, well, this will just
be for transportation,
but you will need to buy him
a suitable home.
Maybe a glass tank?
You don't do one with tinted
windows, do you?
Take it off!
And the other one.
How's Roland?
His name is Flopsy.
Isn't Flopsy
more of a rabbit's name?
What's he got to flop?
We've made the banner,
we're not changing it now.
Not having second thoughts
about getting a pet, are we, Lucy?
No. Mummy, come here!
Quickly!
Mummy, Flopsy's tummy looks all big.
Pregnant!
I knew something would go wrong.
How can it be pregnant?
I know it's ugly,
but even hairless rats have needs.
It's a male.
I think he's just bloated.
Well, it hasn't pooed
since we brought it home.
How do you know♪ I've been watching
it. I'm not sure I would,
if you were constantly watching me.
Mummy, is Flopsy going to die?
Of course he isn't.
But he does need to see the vet.
I presume I'm taking him.
Well, unless you're going to
Sellotape a sat nav
to his exercise ball.
So, what's the diagnosis?
Congratulations, Lee, we've got
a rat with chronic constipation.
I'd gamble and go for the speedboat.
Doesn't sound too serious.
No, not to you, it doesn't, because
you don't have to deal with it,
that was the agreement, remember?
Deal with what?
If you laugh, or even smile,
I will kill you. Go on.
To stimulate his movements,
every day, I've got to get some
cotton wool and olive oil,
and massage its anus.
That's awful.
Well, at least it explains
the swollen tummy
and the lack of droppings.
Hmm, and the face.
Well?
What♪ Go on, then, in your own time.
I'm sorry to disappoint you, Lee,
but the vet's already
swabbed him for today.
But don't worry, I'll be doing it
first thing tomorrow morning.
I'll just stay here.
I don't want to lose the best seat.
Aww! Oh, you're looking
so grown-up these days, Charlie.
I think we should let you
stay up a bit later.
Maybe give you a bit more
time on the computer?
I think you're old enough now to
start taking more
responsibility for things.
I'm not wiping Flopsy's bum.
Well, just hold him still
while I do it.
It's showtime!
Well, give me a chance.
I've not had a shower yet.
Oh, I would definitely wait
and shower after you've done it.
It's not fair.
Well, we had a deal.
You know what, Lee,
you were right and I was wrong.
Right from the start, you said this
pet would cause trouble.
I should have listened to you.
I'm sorry.
I don't suppose... No chance.
What about if I offered sex?
Well, if you think that will
make him come out, go for it.
Well, I can't do it on my own,
someone needs to hold him.
Benji! Molly! Charlie!
Why are you not
helping your mother clean Flopsy?
He smells funny.
Of course he smells funny.
I would smell funny
if nobody cleaned me.
You do smell funny.
That is the great smell of Dad.
Other families manage to look
after their pets.
The ones I know get
the cleaner to do it.
Well, unfortunately, we don't have a
woman who cleans our house.
I can't believe you actually
just said that.
Right, I've got to take
the car for an MOT.
You three, help Mummy right now.
But Mummy said we could go to the
aquarium this morning.
Oh, did she♪ Well, she's wrong.
You are getting that olive oil
and those cotton wool pads
and you are taking care of Flopsy.
I mean it, kids,
this is your last chance.
When I get back, I want to be able
to see my face in that rat's bottom.
Don't.
Thanks for picking me
up from the garage, Toby.
No problems,
but I'd better be getting back,
cos I've got a ton of work
to catch up on.
Hang on, don't go yet. I need you to
look up this rat's bumhole.
Hold my calls.
Come on, you're a doctor.
You know about stuff like this.
You're not serious, are you♪ Yeah, I
need you to look up there to see if
Lucy and the kids have done what
they promised to do.
What did they promise they'd do♪ Set
some kind of bizarre treasure hunt?
No, they promised to help cure
the constipation of our new
hairless rat, by stimulating
its anus with olive oil.
Oh, that's annoying. That was going
to be my second guess.
I'm not going anywhere near that.
That is a rodent.
So♪ Rodents can't do you any harm.
I think two-thirds of the population
of medieval Europe would
disagree with you there.
Come on, I'd do the same for you.
You come anywhere near me
with that olive oil...
and I am calling the police.
Well, you're lucky.
You don't have to check, cos this
cotton wool hasn't even been opened!
So clearly Lucy
and the kids have done nothing.
And seeing as you're not
going to help,
it's down to Muggins here to do it.
I knew this would end up bloody
happening! Right, come on.
Come on out. Don't be difficult,
you little sod.
I just want to put some olive
oil up your backside.
And yet still he hides.
Ow! He bit me!
Anna did that to me once,
when I tried to... Right, that's it!
The kids had their warning!
Get back in the car, Toby,
this little fella is going straight
back to the rescue centre.
I am not a taxi service.
Good, because I'm not paying you.
Oh, still here?
Never mind, I'm sure you'll find a
lovely family to take you home soon.
It's me, I was here the other day.
I remember.
You adopted the rat.
Oh, careful.
We haven't actually told him
he was adopted yet.
So what can I do for you?
I'm returning it. Why?
Because I ended up having to
look after it.
That is rather the whole
point of having a pet. Er, no.
The whole point is that the kids
were supposed to look after it,
and if they didn't,
my wife was supposed to do it.
Why♪ Do you see it as woman's work?
No, but we had an agreement.
What agreement?
That if she couldn't find
a better husband,
she'd have to marry a sexist pig.
Can you take it back, please?
We don't take returns.
What if I told you that this rat had
chronic constipation
and had to have its anus stimulated
every day with olive oil?
I'm still not selling it, am I?
We don't take animals back.
We rescue them
from unsuitable households.
Our household is unsuitable.
This isn't the first pet we've had.
We've had loads of things go wrong.
Really?
Yeah, like the budgie incident.
Our kids tried to help it fly
by tipping it out of the upstairs
window. And?
Budgie was the name of our tortoise.
And then there was the incident
with my daughter and the cat.
I won't go into details,
but let's just say my daughter's
new nickname is Curiosity.
And then there was the time my sons
mixed up the words parrot
and pinata.
Give it here.
Hello. Sorry we're back late,
the train was delayed.
Oh, I thought
maybe you'd drowned at the aquarium.
Oh, we haven't been to the aquarium.
Oh, really?
Well, there's something to add to
the list of things you haven't done,
right under "caring for the rat".
You agreed to do it this morning.
We did. What?
After everything you
said before you left,
we had a big talk about Flopsy,
didn't we?
And we decided that you were right,
and so we did the job properly.
But the cotton wool wasn't
even open.
Yeah, well, we thought cotton buds
would probably be better.
You know, the ones on sticks?
Plus, afterwards, Flopsy can use
them to do a little majorette
routine.
Charlie held him
while I swabbed him.
Right. And then we all went
straight back out
and got all this stuff for Flopsy.
Ta-da!
What's this♪ We've got loads
of new toys for him.
And books and DVDs for how
to care for him properly.
We even got him a big new cage.
We paid for it all
with our pocket money. Ahhh.
I helped a bit,
but it was mainly their idea.
And we got you this.
Sorry we didn't look after
Flopsy properly,
but from now on, we definitely will.
I love you, Daddy.
And I'm sorry, too.
I pressured you into getting
Flopsy in the first place.
And you were right - these
things should be decided together.
You'd never make a big decision
about pets without consulting me
first. No.
I love you, too.
We all love you.
Unconditionally?
Where's Flopsy?
Well...when I got back,
I thought you hadn't
looked after him.
Oh, I bet you were fuming.
I was a bit grumpy, yes.
And so I...
What?
So I...decided to clean him myself.
So where is he, then?
He's in the garage. Why?
Well, in case anyone saw me
doing it through the window. Heh.
What goes on between a man and a rat
is a private affair, Your Honour.
Well, let's go and get him
then, kids.
Let's show Flopsy all the new
stuff we've got him. No! Hold it!
He's actually asleep.
After all, he's had his bottom
swabbed twice in one day.
He's totally...wiped out.
Why don't you kids go
and play with your new things
and I...will pop out
and get some...broccoli.
Broccoli♪ Yeah.
I've been Googling rat laxatives.
Just when I thought your search
history couldn't get any weirder.
Is that Toby's Taxis?
Hello. Just swung by again to
pick up my rat.
Your rat?
The one whose anus I've just
massaged with olive oil?
Three times in as many hours,
Flopsy,
don't expect every day to be
this much fun. This isn't your rat.
We rescued this rat from you.
I know, but we've seen the error
of our ways and now we want it back.
No. Look, I lied to you before.
The kids didn't really neglect him,
I made it up.
I just wanted to teach them
a lesson,
but now I've changed my mind. And
what if you changed your mind again?
Would you bring it back
a second time♪ No.
I'd just release it in a field.
I mean, I wouldn't change my mind!
I'm afraid I'll have to ask
you to leave.
All right, what about this?
You pop into the stockroom
for two minutes,
when you get back, the rat's gone.
There's £50 on the counter.
I'll even pop back later with
a cake in the shape of a rat's face.
Mmm, sounds yummy, yeah?
Cujo! Show the man out!
Well?
She wouldn't let me have it back.
So, where to now, sir?
Fortnum and Mason?
Or perhaps I can run you to
your club for a game of billiards.
Take me home. I'm just going to have
to tell them the truth.
How do you think Lucy will react?
Bit like that.
What's going on?
I went to get Flopsy
out of the garage and it was locked.
The thing is, I haven't really been
to the broccoli shop.
It's called a greengrocers,
but carry on.
There's something
I need to tell you.
I hope you are not going to tell me
that you got rid of that rat,
after everything those kids
have done today?
Of course I'm not going to
tell you that.
I am going to tell you that...
the rat...died.
What?
I got back from work
and he was just lying there.
Poor Flopsy had become
more of a Stiffsy.
But he seemed fine this morning.
How did he die?
Who knows♪ Old age♪ A virus?
The big C - constipation.
Why didn't you tell us
when we came home?
Oh, I didn't have the heart.
I was going to, but then I thought,
what if it was the initial
lack of care that killed him?
You and the kids would never
forgive yourself.
That's why I suddenly popped out,
to see if I could find a look-alike
replacement. I've been to every pet
shop, but nothing.
Did you try the rescue centre again?
Yes, I did try the rescue centre,
so there's absolutely no point in
ever going back there again. Ever.
So, where's Flopsy now?
I mean its body.
Oh, is he in the garage?
Is that why you locked it
and told us not to go in?
That's exactly why, yes.
Well done, Lee,
that was very thoughtful.
Really, it was no thought
whatsoever.
Well, I think
we should have a funeral.
What?
We wanted the kids to learn about
death, so let's do it properly.
Right now.
Right, well I'll go and box him up,
and you break it gently to the kids.
I'll try.
Death can be very
complicated for a child. Yeah.
It's not
so easy for an adult either.
This will confuse
archaeologists in years to come.
Well, you've all been very brave
and very grown-up about this.
Are there any questions
you'd like to ask?
Can we get a dog now♪ No.
Well, say something. Bow your heads.
Ashes to ashes, funk to funky.
We are gathered here today to
celebrate the short
life of Flopsy the rat.
Flopsy was a kind
and friendly fellow,
and what he lacked in hair,
he gained in attitude.
He had an appetite for life
and a great sense of humour.
And although we know he's up there,
playing in that great sewage
system in the sky, in spirit
we know he's never far away.
Oh, God! Be strong.
Oh, hi, Toby.
Excuse us a moment.
Keep your head
bowed in silent prayer.
Put it away!
What are you doing?
A big favour for you.
I've adopted Flopsy. What?
Well, seeing as you couldn't get him
back, I thought
I would adopt him,
but let you lot have him.
Sole custody.
Maybe I'll just take him to the
pictures once a month.
Why are you lot standing around
a hole♪ We're fracking.
Why do you think♪ I've just
told them lot Flopsy's dead!
Ah.
So what are you going to
do with him?
What am I going to do with him?
Nothing. He's YOUR rat now.
I don't want a rat.
Well, then, take him
back to the rescue centre.
What, and face up to that scary
woman that runs the place?
Well, then, take him
back to your house.
What, and face up to that scary
woman that runs the place?
Sorry to interrupt you, Archbishop,
but can we get on with
the funeral now, please?
Yeah, sure.
Toby just came round when he heard
the awful news about Flopsy.
Yeah, as a doctor,
I wondered if I could help.
How can you help a dead rat?
It's amazing what medical science
can do these days.
In fact, if you left me
with Flopsy's body for just
a couple of minutes... No.
What's in that rodent box?
Nothing. It's empty.
Why have you brought us
an empty rodent box, Toby?
He just wondered if we needed
anything to bury Flopsy in,
but, uh, we've already
got something, so...
you can take it away with you,
thank you.
Of course, some people might ask why
I even own a rodent box.
Some people, yeah, but not us,
we're just grateful you came.
Shall we keep on praying?
Maybe your dad should.
See you later.
Right, let's get this funeral
over with, shall we?
Here lies Flopsy, rest in peace,
may god have mercy on his soul.
Right, show's over. Just a minute.
No point dwelling on the grief,
Lucy, let's get back inside.
Molly's written a poem.
Mummy, do you think Flopsy can hear
the poem from where he is?
Oh, I'm sure he can.
"Flopsy the rat,
you were our friend,
"but now your life is at an end,
You had a sore bottom,
"so we rubbed it with cotton,"
"And now you are dead,
we want a dog instead."
Brilliant! Who wants to go
on the PlayStation?
Me!
Lee!
"Today our hearts are filled
with pain,
"Flopsy,
we wish we could see you again."
Wow, that's a hell of a gift
you've got there, Molly.
Whilst you're at it,
the tumble dryer needs looking at.
Well, the kids seemed
a little shocked.
Yeah, I wonder what caused that.
Oh, hang on, you gave away
their pet, then lied and told them
it was dead, and then had it come
back as a zombie.
Do you reckon that was it?
They'll be fine.
I told them I'd made a mistake
and it turns out Flopsy was
only sleeping.
They've still learned
an important lesson.
Yeah, don't fall asleep near Daddy,
or he might pop you in a dirty old
sock and bury you.
Sorry.
Well, maybe we should all take
care of Flopsy from now on.
And talking of taking
care of Flopsy...
If that's meant as a chat-up line,
you're in for a disappointment.
I think you need to get used to
holding him.
I refer you to my previous answer.
Look who I've brought to bed.
Oh, God!
Well, his constipation seems cured!
# We're not going out
# Not staying in
# Just hanging around
with my head in a spin
# But there is no need
to scream and shout
# We're not going out
Subtitles by Red Bee Media
# Not staying in
# Just hanging around
With my head in a spin
# But there is no need
to scream and shout
# We're not going out
Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!
We've got good news!
Don't tell me, your mother is
seeing the window cleaner,
and so he's going to clean
the greenhouse for free.
Mummy said we can get a rabbit!
What♪ No, I didn't.
I said we'd talk to
Daddy about getting a rabbit.
That's not talking,
that's hypnotising.
You stay here while Daddy
and I have a conversation.
I thought we made joint
decisions about things like this.
Well, to begin with,
they wanted a dog.
And I knew you wouldn't want that,
so I thought a rabbit would be
a good compromise.
So, in a way, it was a joint
decision.
It just didn't involve you.
I think the responsibility would be
good for them.
Well, can't we start with something
a little less high-maintenance,
like a goldfish or some cress?
I had rabbits growing up.
Well, I had nits, but I didn't
give them names and little hutches.
Oh come on.
It'll be nice to have a sweet
little sniffle-nosed bunnykins.
And how can you say no to those
little faces?
You shouldn't be
raising their hopes like this
and then disappointing them.
Says the man who promised them
a Harry Potter experience,
then made them sleep in the cupboard
under the stairs.
If we get a rabbit,
shall I tell you what will happen?
One day it will die,
and they will be sad.
Well, that's another good lesson.
It'll prepare the kids for death.
My parents won't live forever,
you know.
They might, just to spite me.
I'm telling you, Lucy,
they will get bored with it,
and we will be the ones who end up
looking after it.
OK, how about this♪ I will
personally make sure they look after
it, and if they don't,
I will look after it.
You won't have to be
involved at all.
Basically the same arrangement
we've got with the childcare.
Hooray!
Nothing's been agreed!
If we do get a pet, do you promise
to look after it properly?
To feed it and clean it
and play with it every day?
Yes.
And do you know what would happen
if you neglected it?
It would die. Exactly.
And it would come back as a ghost
and haunt you for the rest
of your life.
Yeah, if anything does happen
to their grandparents,
let me do the talking.
We'll look after it, we promise.
Please, Daddy.
Well, me and your mother have had
a serious discussion,
and we have made the joint decision
that, yes, you can have a rabbit.
- Now you cheer.
- Hooray!
That was just on the off-chance
you happened to agree.
So, why a rescue centre
and not a pet shop?
Because this way we give an animal
a second chance at a good home.
Why do they need a second chance?
What did they do wrong
the first time?
Can I help you♪ Yes, I'd like you to
re-house my husband, please.
I've been spayed.
Not by a vet, by marriage.
Um, we're looking for a rabbit.
Well, have a look round,
find one you like,
and then we'll do the interview.
Oh, we don't need to interview it,
we'll just take the one with
the biggest ears.
Don't worry,
we understand the commitment.
A dog is not just for Christmas
and all that.
I thought you were getting a rabbit.
All right,
a rabbit's not just for...Easter.
It's not Easter. All right,
a rabbit's not just for...
We're not going to kill the rabbit,
is what I'm trying to say.
Mummy, Daddy, we've decided.
We want this one.
Oh! I bet they picked
a really cute one.
I love their sweet little
button noses.
What in God's name is that?!
We love him, Mummy.
But we agreed to get a rabbit,
not a...raw sausage with teeth.
You don't really want that, do you?
Why not?
They say, in London, you're never
more than six feet away from a rat.
At least this way we'll know
exactly where it is.
It's a hairless rat.
It's actually quite rare.
Have you not got one
that's well done?
He's so sweet!
Well, it looks like the kids have
decided.
You don't actually like this thing,
do you?
I think it looks
like a scrotum on legs.
But it's not me that's going to have
to be looking after it, is it?
It's the kids. And if they don't,
you are, because that was the deal.
- We'll take it.
- Hooray!
Right, well, this will just
be for transportation,
but you will need to buy him
a suitable home.
Maybe a glass tank?
You don't do one with tinted
windows, do you?
Take it off!
And the other one.
How's Roland?
His name is Flopsy.
Isn't Flopsy
more of a rabbit's name?
What's he got to flop?
We've made the banner,
we're not changing it now.
Not having second thoughts
about getting a pet, are we, Lucy?
No. Mummy, come here!
Quickly!
Mummy, Flopsy's tummy looks all big.
Pregnant!
I knew something would go wrong.
How can it be pregnant?
I know it's ugly,
but even hairless rats have needs.
It's a male.
I think he's just bloated.
Well, it hasn't pooed
since we brought it home.
How do you know♪ I've been watching
it. I'm not sure I would,
if you were constantly watching me.
Mummy, is Flopsy going to die?
Of course he isn't.
But he does need to see the vet.
I presume I'm taking him.
Well, unless you're going to
Sellotape a sat nav
to his exercise ball.
So, what's the diagnosis?
Congratulations, Lee, we've got
a rat with chronic constipation.
I'd gamble and go for the speedboat.
Doesn't sound too serious.
No, not to you, it doesn't, because
you don't have to deal with it,
that was the agreement, remember?
Deal with what?
If you laugh, or even smile,
I will kill you. Go on.
To stimulate his movements,
every day, I've got to get some
cotton wool and olive oil,
and massage its anus.
That's awful.
Well, at least it explains
the swollen tummy
and the lack of droppings.
Hmm, and the face.
Well?
What♪ Go on, then, in your own time.
I'm sorry to disappoint you, Lee,
but the vet's already
swabbed him for today.
But don't worry, I'll be doing it
first thing tomorrow morning.
I'll just stay here.
I don't want to lose the best seat.
Aww! Oh, you're looking
so grown-up these days, Charlie.
I think we should let you
stay up a bit later.
Maybe give you a bit more
time on the computer?
I think you're old enough now to
start taking more
responsibility for things.
I'm not wiping Flopsy's bum.
Well, just hold him still
while I do it.
It's showtime!
Well, give me a chance.
I've not had a shower yet.
Oh, I would definitely wait
and shower after you've done it.
It's not fair.
Well, we had a deal.
You know what, Lee,
you were right and I was wrong.
Right from the start, you said this
pet would cause trouble.
I should have listened to you.
I'm sorry.
I don't suppose... No chance.
What about if I offered sex?
Well, if you think that will
make him come out, go for it.
Well, I can't do it on my own,
someone needs to hold him.
Benji! Molly! Charlie!
Why are you not
helping your mother clean Flopsy?
He smells funny.
Of course he smells funny.
I would smell funny
if nobody cleaned me.
You do smell funny.
That is the great smell of Dad.
Other families manage to look
after their pets.
The ones I know get
the cleaner to do it.
Well, unfortunately, we don't have a
woman who cleans our house.
I can't believe you actually
just said that.
Right, I've got to take
the car for an MOT.
You three, help Mummy right now.
But Mummy said we could go to the
aquarium this morning.
Oh, did she♪ Well, she's wrong.
You are getting that olive oil
and those cotton wool pads
and you are taking care of Flopsy.
I mean it, kids,
this is your last chance.
When I get back, I want to be able
to see my face in that rat's bottom.
Don't.
Thanks for picking me
up from the garage, Toby.
No problems,
but I'd better be getting back,
cos I've got a ton of work
to catch up on.
Hang on, don't go yet. I need you to
look up this rat's bumhole.
Hold my calls.
Come on, you're a doctor.
You know about stuff like this.
You're not serious, are you♪ Yeah, I
need you to look up there to see if
Lucy and the kids have done what
they promised to do.
What did they promise they'd do♪ Set
some kind of bizarre treasure hunt?
No, they promised to help cure
the constipation of our new
hairless rat, by stimulating
its anus with olive oil.
Oh, that's annoying. That was going
to be my second guess.
I'm not going anywhere near that.
That is a rodent.
So♪ Rodents can't do you any harm.
I think two-thirds of the population
of medieval Europe would
disagree with you there.
Come on, I'd do the same for you.
You come anywhere near me
with that olive oil...
and I am calling the police.
Well, you're lucky.
You don't have to check, cos this
cotton wool hasn't even been opened!
So clearly Lucy
and the kids have done nothing.
And seeing as you're not
going to help,
it's down to Muggins here to do it.
I knew this would end up bloody
happening! Right, come on.
Come on out. Don't be difficult,
you little sod.
I just want to put some olive
oil up your backside.
And yet still he hides.
Ow! He bit me!
Anna did that to me once,
when I tried to... Right, that's it!
The kids had their warning!
Get back in the car, Toby,
this little fella is going straight
back to the rescue centre.
I am not a taxi service.
Good, because I'm not paying you.
Oh, still here?
Never mind, I'm sure you'll find a
lovely family to take you home soon.
It's me, I was here the other day.
I remember.
You adopted the rat.
Oh, careful.
We haven't actually told him
he was adopted yet.
So what can I do for you?
I'm returning it. Why?
Because I ended up having to
look after it.
That is rather the whole
point of having a pet. Er, no.
The whole point is that the kids
were supposed to look after it,
and if they didn't,
my wife was supposed to do it.
Why♪ Do you see it as woman's work?
No, but we had an agreement.
What agreement?
That if she couldn't find
a better husband,
she'd have to marry a sexist pig.
Can you take it back, please?
We don't take returns.
What if I told you that this rat had
chronic constipation
and had to have its anus stimulated
every day with olive oil?
I'm still not selling it, am I?
We don't take animals back.
We rescue them
from unsuitable households.
Our household is unsuitable.
This isn't the first pet we've had.
We've had loads of things go wrong.
Really?
Yeah, like the budgie incident.
Our kids tried to help it fly
by tipping it out of the upstairs
window. And?
Budgie was the name of our tortoise.
And then there was the incident
with my daughter and the cat.
I won't go into details,
but let's just say my daughter's
new nickname is Curiosity.
And then there was the time my sons
mixed up the words parrot
and pinata.
Give it here.
Hello. Sorry we're back late,
the train was delayed.
Oh, I thought
maybe you'd drowned at the aquarium.
Oh, we haven't been to the aquarium.
Oh, really?
Well, there's something to add to
the list of things you haven't done,
right under "caring for the rat".
You agreed to do it this morning.
We did. What?
After everything you
said before you left,
we had a big talk about Flopsy,
didn't we?
And we decided that you were right,
and so we did the job properly.
But the cotton wool wasn't
even open.
Yeah, well, we thought cotton buds
would probably be better.
You know, the ones on sticks?
Plus, afterwards, Flopsy can use
them to do a little majorette
routine.
Charlie held him
while I swabbed him.
Right. And then we all went
straight back out
and got all this stuff for Flopsy.
Ta-da!
What's this♪ We've got loads
of new toys for him.
And books and DVDs for how
to care for him properly.
We even got him a big new cage.
We paid for it all
with our pocket money. Ahhh.
I helped a bit,
but it was mainly their idea.
And we got you this.
Sorry we didn't look after
Flopsy properly,
but from now on, we definitely will.
I love you, Daddy.
And I'm sorry, too.
I pressured you into getting
Flopsy in the first place.
And you were right - these
things should be decided together.
You'd never make a big decision
about pets without consulting me
first. No.
I love you, too.
We all love you.
Unconditionally?
Where's Flopsy?
Well...when I got back,
I thought you hadn't
looked after him.
Oh, I bet you were fuming.
I was a bit grumpy, yes.
And so I...
What?
So I...decided to clean him myself.
So where is he, then?
He's in the garage. Why?
Well, in case anyone saw me
doing it through the window. Heh.
What goes on between a man and a rat
is a private affair, Your Honour.
Well, let's go and get him
then, kids.
Let's show Flopsy all the new
stuff we've got him. No! Hold it!
He's actually asleep.
After all, he's had his bottom
swabbed twice in one day.
He's totally...wiped out.
Why don't you kids go
and play with your new things
and I...will pop out
and get some...broccoli.
Broccoli♪ Yeah.
I've been Googling rat laxatives.
Just when I thought your search
history couldn't get any weirder.
Is that Toby's Taxis?
Hello. Just swung by again to
pick up my rat.
Your rat?
The one whose anus I've just
massaged with olive oil?
Three times in as many hours,
Flopsy,
don't expect every day to be
this much fun. This isn't your rat.
We rescued this rat from you.
I know, but we've seen the error
of our ways and now we want it back.
No. Look, I lied to you before.
The kids didn't really neglect him,
I made it up.
I just wanted to teach them
a lesson,
but now I've changed my mind. And
what if you changed your mind again?
Would you bring it back
a second time♪ No.
I'd just release it in a field.
I mean, I wouldn't change my mind!
I'm afraid I'll have to ask
you to leave.
All right, what about this?
You pop into the stockroom
for two minutes,
when you get back, the rat's gone.
There's £50 on the counter.
I'll even pop back later with
a cake in the shape of a rat's face.
Mmm, sounds yummy, yeah?
Cujo! Show the man out!
Well?
She wouldn't let me have it back.
So, where to now, sir?
Fortnum and Mason?
Or perhaps I can run you to
your club for a game of billiards.
Take me home. I'm just going to have
to tell them the truth.
How do you think Lucy will react?
Bit like that.
What's going on?
I went to get Flopsy
out of the garage and it was locked.
The thing is, I haven't really been
to the broccoli shop.
It's called a greengrocers,
but carry on.
There's something
I need to tell you.
I hope you are not going to tell me
that you got rid of that rat,
after everything those kids
have done today?
Of course I'm not going to
tell you that.
I am going to tell you that...
the rat...died.
What?
I got back from work
and he was just lying there.
Poor Flopsy had become
more of a Stiffsy.
But he seemed fine this morning.
How did he die?
Who knows♪ Old age♪ A virus?
The big C - constipation.
Why didn't you tell us
when we came home?
Oh, I didn't have the heart.
I was going to, but then I thought,
what if it was the initial
lack of care that killed him?
You and the kids would never
forgive yourself.
That's why I suddenly popped out,
to see if I could find a look-alike
replacement. I've been to every pet
shop, but nothing.
Did you try the rescue centre again?
Yes, I did try the rescue centre,
so there's absolutely no point in
ever going back there again. Ever.
So, where's Flopsy now?
I mean its body.
Oh, is he in the garage?
Is that why you locked it
and told us not to go in?
That's exactly why, yes.
Well done, Lee,
that was very thoughtful.
Really, it was no thought
whatsoever.
Well, I think
we should have a funeral.
What?
We wanted the kids to learn about
death, so let's do it properly.
Right now.
Right, well I'll go and box him up,
and you break it gently to the kids.
I'll try.
Death can be very
complicated for a child. Yeah.
It's not
so easy for an adult either.
This will confuse
archaeologists in years to come.
Well, you've all been very brave
and very grown-up about this.
Are there any questions
you'd like to ask?
Can we get a dog now♪ No.
Well, say something. Bow your heads.
Ashes to ashes, funk to funky.
We are gathered here today to
celebrate the short
life of Flopsy the rat.
Flopsy was a kind
and friendly fellow,
and what he lacked in hair,
he gained in attitude.
He had an appetite for life
and a great sense of humour.
And although we know he's up there,
playing in that great sewage
system in the sky, in spirit
we know he's never far away.
Oh, God! Be strong.
Oh, hi, Toby.
Excuse us a moment.
Keep your head
bowed in silent prayer.
Put it away!
What are you doing?
A big favour for you.
I've adopted Flopsy. What?
Well, seeing as you couldn't get him
back, I thought
I would adopt him,
but let you lot have him.
Sole custody.
Maybe I'll just take him to the
pictures once a month.
Why are you lot standing around
a hole♪ We're fracking.
Why do you think♪ I've just
told them lot Flopsy's dead!
Ah.
So what are you going to
do with him?
What am I going to do with him?
Nothing. He's YOUR rat now.
I don't want a rat.
Well, then, take him
back to the rescue centre.
What, and face up to that scary
woman that runs the place?
Well, then, take him
back to your house.
What, and face up to that scary
woman that runs the place?
Sorry to interrupt you, Archbishop,
but can we get on with
the funeral now, please?
Yeah, sure.
Toby just came round when he heard
the awful news about Flopsy.
Yeah, as a doctor,
I wondered if I could help.
How can you help a dead rat?
It's amazing what medical science
can do these days.
In fact, if you left me
with Flopsy's body for just
a couple of minutes... No.
What's in that rodent box?
Nothing. It's empty.
Why have you brought us
an empty rodent box, Toby?
He just wondered if we needed
anything to bury Flopsy in,
but, uh, we've already
got something, so...
you can take it away with you,
thank you.
Of course, some people might ask why
I even own a rodent box.
Some people, yeah, but not us,
we're just grateful you came.
Shall we keep on praying?
Maybe your dad should.
See you later.
Right, let's get this funeral
over with, shall we?
Here lies Flopsy, rest in peace,
may god have mercy on his soul.
Right, show's over. Just a minute.
No point dwelling on the grief,
Lucy, let's get back inside.
Molly's written a poem.
Mummy, do you think Flopsy can hear
the poem from where he is?
Oh, I'm sure he can.
"Flopsy the rat,
you were our friend,
"but now your life is at an end,
You had a sore bottom,
"so we rubbed it with cotton,"
"And now you are dead,
we want a dog instead."
Brilliant! Who wants to go
on the PlayStation?
Me!
Lee!
"Today our hearts are filled
with pain,
"Flopsy,
we wish we could see you again."
Wow, that's a hell of a gift
you've got there, Molly.
Whilst you're at it,
the tumble dryer needs looking at.
Well, the kids seemed
a little shocked.
Yeah, I wonder what caused that.
Oh, hang on, you gave away
their pet, then lied and told them
it was dead, and then had it come
back as a zombie.
Do you reckon that was it?
They'll be fine.
I told them I'd made a mistake
and it turns out Flopsy was
only sleeping.
They've still learned
an important lesson.
Yeah, don't fall asleep near Daddy,
or he might pop you in a dirty old
sock and bury you.
Sorry.
Well, maybe we should all take
care of Flopsy from now on.
And talking of taking
care of Flopsy...
If that's meant as a chat-up line,
you're in for a disappointment.
I think you need to get used to
holding him.
I refer you to my previous answer.
Look who I've brought to bed.
Oh, God!
Well, his constipation seems cured!
# We're not going out
# Not staying in
# Just hanging around
with my head in a spin
# But there is no need
to scream and shout
# We're not going out
Subtitles by Red Bee Media