Not Going Out (2006–…): Season 9, Episode 3 - Stolen - full transcript

Hi, Anna. Thanks for taking
Charlie to the party.

How was it? Rowdy. You know
how unbearable some children can be.

Mum! Look what I won at the party!
The others are losers!

I won the ugly face competition.

The words every proud mother
loves to hear

Though, to be fair, I think
your dad takes the credit.

I want the keyring! You can't!
I won it, Jack.

It's not fair! I wanted one!
Well, tough! Cos you're a loser!

Loser, loser, loser, loser!
Kids, eh?

Can't live with them... You've got
no bloody choice though, have you?

At least when they're fully grown,
we can harvest their organs.



So, um, any plans for the weekend?

Yes, Toby and I are having our usual
romantic Saturday date night.?

Our therapist seems to think

if we go through the motions
of having a loving relationship,

we might be able to trick our brains
into thinking it's real

and achieve some sort of
emotional connection. Well, it only
takes a spark to light a bonfire.

Yes, I have thought about that,
but Jack would miss him.

So, every Saturday,
we send Jack on a sleepover.

Toby and I go to a restaurant
together, drink enough wine

to float a small frigate
and then we attempt to have sex.

Don't the waiters mind?

I'm not convinced about the whole
idea, but I'm making the effort.

We try to go for a different style
every week. The food, not the...

I won the keyring!
I won the keyring!



I hate you! Jack! You know
that hate is a Mummy and Daddy word.

Do you mind?
Some old lady's about to find out
her priceless Ming vase

is actually from Poundland.

I can't find it anywhere.
This is awful.

What?

Charlie's keyring that
he won at the party.

I think Jack stole it.

Are you sure?

Well, I've looked everywhere
and there's no sign of it.

And Jack really wanted one.

Maybe Charlie gave it to him.

Charlie?

Our Charlie?

Giving away his competition prize?

All right,
maybe Charlie sold it to him.

He didn't give it to him.
He's really upset it's gone missing.

Has Jack nicked things before?

Not that I know of. But there was
that Furby that vanished recently.
The what?

You know, that little bright pink
toy that makes funny noises.

One eye missing, smells funny, ear
hanging off. Are you sure it didn't
just kill itself?

You can't start blaming Jack
for everything that goes missing.

OK, fine.
I can't prove he stole the Furby,

but I'm sure he did steal
the keyring. All right.

If you tell me he stole the keyring,
he stole the keyring. Good.

Well? Well, that's sorted then,
isn't it?

You can stop looking for it.
Is that it?

Well, I could phone CID,
but I think they're still working

full time on the "who left
the lid off the toothpaste" case.

All right.
What do you want to do about it?

Go round and tell Anna and Toby.
You're not serious!
It'll be fine, they're our friends.

Exactly. And when there's a problem
between friends, you're supposed to
do the adult thing.

Don't mention it,
resent them for a few weeks,
and hope the whole thing goes away.

I really think we should say
something. For Jack's sake too.

He needs to learn that stealing
is wrong. What if one day
he ends up locked up in jail?

Well, then, stealing big keyrings
will be a useful skill to have.

OK, maybe Anna and Toby
ought to know about this.

Going round there is probably
the right thing to do. Thank you.

Good luck.

We're both going.
I need your back-up. Trust me.

You've got my back up.

Hi!

Hello. This is a surprise.
Just passing.

- It's not fair!
- Stop shouting!

- No!
- Do not speak to me like that!

I hope we're not interrupting
anything. Not at all.

You are in BIG trouble now, Jack!
Jack, look, Lee and Lucy are here.

Hello. I'm sorry if you heard
our little contretemps.

No. Not really.

Yeah, couldn't hear anything over
all that screaming.

We weren't expecting you.

Well, there was something
I wanted to talk to you about.

In fact, we both wanted to,
didn't we, Lee?

Yes.

Are we just going to stand around,
looking at each other awkwardly?

I get enough of that
on our date night.

Date night?
Is that one of those kinky ones

when you fantasise you've
never met each other? No.

That is a fantasy
I have quite often though.

Remember that toy keyring that
Charlie won at the party?

Well, after you left, he couldn't
find it and I remembered that

Jack really wanted one and
so we wondered if Jack had taken it.

I see.

Well, I'm glad you came
round and told us.

I'd have hated for you not
to have said anything.

I knew you would.

But just to let you know,
he didn't take it.

Charlie probably put it down
somewhere and lost it.

It's easily done in the mess of...

..people's houses.

To be fair, Anna, we can't be
certain that Jack didn't take it.

Right. Well, there's a very simple
way to settle this.

Jack, will you come downstairs,
please?

What?
Can you come and sit down, Jack?

We just want to ask you
a few questions.

Nothing to worry about.

Jack, when you were at
Lucy's house earlier,

did you take Charlie's toy keyring?
No.

Scout's honour? Yes.

Right.

Well, good.

Wow! That was like watching
Michael Madsen cut that bloke's ear
off in Reservoir Dogs.

Yes, Toby.
Let's do this properly, shall we?

Turn out your pockets, please.

Mum... Do it.

There you go. No keyring.
Yeah, but he could have put it
somewhere else.

Shall I fetch a rubber glove
from the kitchen?

You can go now, Jack.

Glad to have put your minds at rest.
It is possible he's not telling
the truth, Anna.

So now he's a liar and a thief?

No, but perhaps he told you what
he thought you wanted to hear to

avoid getting into trouble. We don't
do that in our house, do we, Toby?

Absolutely not, darling.

Jack knows the meaning of the words
right and wrong

and that makes him an honest boy.

Well, I know the meaning of the word
ecclesiastical, doesn't make me a...

Perhaps you should have gone
with a word you do actually
know the meaning of.

I don't know if you noticed,
but Jack and I were having
a disagreement when you came in.

Do you know why?
Because I wasn't available?

Because ever since we left
your house, he's been going on

and on about wanting one of those
ridiculous little keyrings.

Do you really think he'd be doing
that if he'd stolen Charlie's?

Right.

Well, I didn't realise that.

Clearly.

So, is there anything else
we can help you with?

Look, I think we should put all
this behind us and move on.

What do you say, Anna? I don't know.

What do you say to people
who've made

allegations against your family?
"See you later, allegators?"

Is now a good time to mention
the pink Furby? Bye.

Kids? We're leaving in ten minutes.

Make sure you've got your costumes
and armbands.

Swimming lessons?
No, Hitler Youth rally.

Yes, swimming lessons.
Are you still looking for that
keyring? It's not here.

Jack definitely stole it.
You've changed your tune. Well,
you didn't see the look he gave me.

He looked so guilty. He's a boy.
They have a permanent look of guilt.

He's in training for being a man.

But like Anna said,
if he'd have stolen it, why would

he still be acting all moody
and begging her to buy him one?

Exactly! Acting!
He was putting on a performance.
I find that hard to believe.

I know how the mind
of an eight-year-old boy works.
I find that easier to believe.

Look, I know it was my idea to go
round there in the first place,

but I think I got it wrong.
All right, then.
So, where's the keyring?

I don't know, but I don't think
Jack's got it. In fact, I think
we should stop at Anna

and Toby's on the way to swimming
and apologise.

You're coming, too.

No chance! In the words of Molly's
favourite song, let it go!

And in the words of my favourite
song, that kid's for hanging,

he took what's ours,
and we're gonna make him pay...by...

Are you making this up? Yeah.

Don't tell me. You're back
and this time you have a warrant.

We've come round to say we're sorry,
Anna.

We shouldn't have made accusations.
Should we, Lee?

No. I should never have called
Jack a juvenile delinquent.

You didn't.
I know, I should never have said
he should be locked up in borstal.

You didn't say that either.
And I definitely shouldn't have said
that Anna is a self-righteous...

Yes, thank you, Lee.

Speak of "the devil".

Well, thank you for coming round
to clear the air.

Yes, it was very gracious of you
both to accept you were

completely and utterly in the wrong.

Perhaps I should go upstairs
and apologise to Jack in person.

There's no need to do that.

Yeah, and we've got to go, the kids
are in the car, we've got swimming.

Actually, could I just
use your toilet before we go?

Can't you wait
until we're at the pool?

They've got a chemical that makes
the water turn blue.

We're going to be late.
Well, I'll meet you there.

OK. Bye.

And sorry again.

The toilet's just there.

Right, well, you might want to turn
the radio up nice and loud then.

Or use a different toilet.
Probably for the best.

After all,
we have just cleared the air.

Where is it?
At the train station down the road.

It's upstairs.

I'm just looking for the bathroom.
It's there.

That your bedroom, is it?
What do YOU think?

Would my mum have a sign
on her bedroom door that says
"Danger! Toxic!"?

Well? Are you going to
the bathroom or not?

Gotcha!

Don't leave your swimming
stuff in your bags.

It'll go all stale and mouldy!

That's how we grew your father.

You're here.
Why didn't you come swimming?

Because I was so weighed down
with my newfound knowledge,
I thought I might drown.

I've got something to show you.

Actually,
I've got something to show you.

Charlie put his coat on
after swimming

and guess what fell
out of the sleeve.

So, it's a good job
we apologised to Anna.

Turned out Jack didn't steal
it after all.

Hi, Anna.

Come in.

Everything OK? It's a bit awkward.
Actually, it's about that keyring.

Jack's been complaining non-stop
about not having one

and I did what every parent
shouldn't do.

I gave in.

So, first thing this morning,
just before you two came round to

apologise, I popped out and bought
Jack the identical keyring.

Right. Well, the thing is,
it's now suddenly disappeared.

And?

Well, Jack's keyring went missing
just after Lee had gone

upstairs to use the toilet.

I think the two might be related.
Are you sure?

You didn't know Lee
when you got pregnant.

If Lee had seen the keyring,
he would, of course,

have assumed it to be Charlie's.

Hang on, are you saying Lee
stole Jack's toy keyring?

Well...

Yes, I am saying that.

You're saying your child's toy
was stolen by my husband? Yes.

A grown adult?

I didn't say that bit.

This is ridiculous.
Lee did go upstairs at our house.
Yeah, but to use the toilet.

But he didn't use the toilet.
I went in there afterwards

and the brand new bar of soap
hadn't been touched.
Trust me, that proves nothing.

OK, well,
there's a simple way to settle this.

Lee, can you come down here, please?

What? It's OK. We just wanted
to ask you a few questions.

Lee, when we were at Anna's earlier,
did you take Jack's toy keyring?

No.

Do you promise?

Yes.

Turn out your pockets, please.

Do it.

Do you want to frisk him,
or shall I?

Let's not argue, girls.
Why don't you both do it?

No, thank you.
My vaccinations aren't up to date.

Look, Jack just probably put it
down somewhere and forgot about it.

Easily done in the mess
of some people's houses.

I've stripped Jack's bedroom,
the playroom, it's definitely gone.

Well, it's not here.

Right. Well,

I suppose there's not much
more to discuss.

She's got a nerve.

Making accusations like that.

Typical Anna.

What did you do that for? Because
I haven't got a baseball bat.

What have you done with it?
Done with what? You know what.

What have you done with the one
of these you stole from Jack?

He probably just lost it,
like you said.

Quite easy with
the state of his bedroom.

I would have thought.
All right, yes, I did nick it

and I've just stashed it
in my sock drawer.

How was I to know Anna was going
to buy him another one?

No, naturally you assumed the one
Charlie won was a one-off

bespoke and handcrafted piece.
Why did you steal it back, anyway?

Why didn't you just tell Anna
and Toby you found it
when you were there?

Because I thought you would want
to share in the righteous glory.

I thought I was doing the right
thing, Lucy. Of course you did.

Because stealing toys
from an eight-year-old's bedroom is

the kind of thing we're encouraged
to do in the Bible!

You could at least have used
the toilet while you were there.
I might be a thief,

but I'm not the kind of weird thief
that does a dump in the house.
Are you going to tell on me?

Trust me, I'd be more than happy
to, but not now I've just lied
and told them you didn't steal it.

I know. What about this?

We go round,
say we're just passing by... Again?

You do realise
they live in a cul de sac?

Where exactly are we supposed to be
heading every time we're passing by?
I go upstairs, again,

and I sneak the keyring back
in Jack's bedroom where I found it.

It's a no brainer.

Finally, some self-awareness.

To start with,
I don't think they'll ever let you

upstairs in their house again,
and even if they did, imagine

if you went up to the toilet
and the keyring suddenly appears.

What would that look like?
A very disgusting magic trick?

All right. We'll just put it in any
room. They'll never prove it was us.

If that keyring appeared after
we'd been there, they'd know.

And we'd know they knew.
And they'd know we knew they knew.

And we'd know that.

We'd all understand what
was going on perfectly.

Not all of us.
If we want to sneak that keyring
back in to the house,

we'll have to do it without anyone
ever knowing we were there.

How?

It's Anna and Toby's romantic
date night tonight.

Jack's at a sleepover.

The house is empty.

Let me get this straight.

We are going to prove that we
are not thieves by sneaking

round in the dead of night
and breaking into their house.

We don't have to break in.

I know for a fact that Anna hides
the spare key under the wheelie bin.

Do you know the code? The alarm
code? No, Lucy. The dress code!

I was thinking black and white
stripes, with a big swag bag.

I've been and out of that house
with Anna loads of times

and she never sets the alarm.
I'll phone Mum and see
if she can babysit.

Well, tell her we'll be back in two
to three years with good behaviour.

Where are you going?
Putting it back in Jack's bedroom,
behind the photo, where I found it.

But Anna said she's already searched
Jack's room, from top to bottom.

She'll know someone put it
back there.

We might as well leave a Parcelforce
card, saying, we called,

you were out,
so we broke into your house.
So, where am I supposed to put it?

Where she definitely
hasn't searched.

Where did Anna say she'd looked?
In Jack's bedroom, playroom.

Exactly, all the fun places,
where Jack would have had it.

But where does the least
amount of fun happen?

Anna and Toby's bedroom?

Exactly.

That was actually a joke.

Don't put the light on!

It'll look like they've
got burglars.

- Yeah.
- That's much less suspicious

The neighbours will just think
they've ordered some Milk Tray.

See? You wouldn't expect to find
toys in here, would you?

I hope to God we don't.

So, where are we going to plant it,
then?

In the wardrobe?

No, I don't really want
to open the wardrobe.

Got this horrible feeling I'm going
to find Anna hanging

upside down with her arms
folded across her chest.

Well, where, then?
Under the bed?

Anywhere! Can we just go, please?

Perfect.

Congratulations, Toby,
on ruining yet another date night.

I didn't ruin it, Anna,
I merely voiced an opinion.

Yes, an opposite opinion to mine.

I just don't think there was any
need for you to go round to Lee

and Lucy's house
and to accuse them of stealing.

No. That's right.

Your advice was to do absolutely
nothing whatsoever, as usual.

I know. We'll get a gun.
Don't be facetious.

It's not to stop people
stealing stuff.

I promised I'd never divorce you,

so I need to find other
exit strategies.

Is it me, or is it cold in here?

Can I choose both?

It should have been you going round
to their house, not me.

Why can't you handle confrontation?
I can.

I just don't need to go round
to their house to get it.

I just wish you'd grow a pair.

I'm too busy growing apples to help
you poison the Seven Dwarves.

Hang on.

What's that?

What?

Under the bed.

Well, well, well.
What do we have here?

God!
So, Lee didn't steal it after all.

Seems you owe him an apology.

I knew you'd misjudged him.

He's not the kind of person who'd
snoop round people's bedrooms.

In fact, I think
you owe them both an apology.
Well, it's a bit late now.

They'll probably be in bed.
I'll do it in the morning.

And I think I owe you
an apology too, Toby.

Wow, that's...unprecedented.

I'm sorry date night
ended so quickly.

Yeah,
we didn't even finish our starters.

Well,
maybe date night hasn't ended yet.

Maybe there's still
time for a little bit...more.

OK, well, why don't
I slip out of this shirt and jacket,

put on something more comfortable,
jump in the car and go get us

both a takeaway?

I'm talking about sex.

Right, well,
if that's what you want.

It's not a question
of what I want, Toby.

But why pay a therapist all that
money and not follow her advice?

It would be like hiring an au pair
and then doing your own ironing.

OK, then.
Let's...crumple some garments.

Do we have to have the music?

You know I can't get there
without Buble.

Is that good?.

Buble?.

There? There.

There? There.

Yeah? Yeah.

Yeah? Yeah.
Happy with that? No, Toby.

No, no. Yeah.
Yeah?.

Yeah? Yes.

Bright pink. One eye missing.

Our Furby! Jack did steal it!

Who cares?

I'm not keeping you awake,
am I, Toby?

What? Never mind.
Carry on doing what you were doing.

With the same frequency,
or with more frantic oscillations?

You were doing fine.

Fine? I'm glad you're enjoying it.

If you wouldn't mind filling
in a short survey afterwards.

Wake up!

Happy? Yep. Yeah? Yeah.

Wake up!

See? Jack is a thief. You two must
be feeling pretty embarrassed now.

Well, that was a bit awkward.

A bit awkward is trying to hug
someone who only wants

to shake your hand.

Not breaking into your friends'
house, hiding under their bed
and listening to them having sex.

All right, a bit illegal.

Well, hopefully, they'll forgive us.

Especially since we proved Jack
is a thief. Yeah, hopefully.

For all we know, they're planning
revenge and hiding under OUR bed.

They're not there,
I've already checked.

So, it's safe if me and you want
to have a bit of... Wow.

I'm humiliated and you're horny.

Well, that's the introductions
out of the way.

Well. At least we now know that
everyone's child has got the correct
toy keyring.

Yeah, suppose. Can you pass me
your phone, so I can text Anna

and say we'll pop round tomorrow
and apologise properly?

And, hopefully, we can put all
this theft talk behind us.

Hang on. What's this?

I've come away with Anna's knickers
by mistake. God!

Don't worry. I've got a plan.