Northern Exposure (1990–1995): Season 5, Episode 8 - Heal Thyself - full transcript
When Leonard brings Ed along on a shaman visit, the patient grows closer to him, which is sabotaged by a creature called the Green Man.
Ed?
Huh?
Ed!
Leonard.
Hi.
You need to get dressed.
Time to go to work.
Leonard, I don't have to be to work at
Maurice's until noon, and it's only...
4:30?
You're coming to work with me.
With you?
I need to make a house call. I thought
it'd be a good idea for you to come along.
You want me to go with you
to see a patient?
That's right.
Better get a move on.
It's a bit of a drive, and we need
to get there before daybreak.
But, Leonard, I've never done this
sort of thing before. Well, precisely.
If you're going to be a healer, it's not enough
to read books and learn allegorical stories.
You need to get your feet wet.
Get some clinical experience under your belt.
I don't know.
I just don't know
if I'm ready for this yet.
Ed, no one is ever ready.
You told them you were
bringing me? Uh-huh.
And that was okay?
Mm-hmm.
You sure they don't mind?
Positive.
Leonard.
Arnie.
How's that Hoover I rebuilt?
Runs like a Tucker.
Good. This the kid?
Yeah. Ed Chigliak, Arnie Norell.
How do you do, sir?
Please.
I'm sorry to bring you out so early,
but mornings are hardest on her.
That's when they come out.
They?
She'll tell you.
Bonnie? Honey?
Bonnie.
Oh, Leonard.
Hello, Bonnie.
This is my student Ed
Chigliak. Uh, Bonnie Norell. Hi.
Hi.
I didn't want to bother you,
but Uncle Arnie insisted.
It's okay. Uh, what seems
to be the trouble?
Come here.
Listen.
Black-capped chickadees.
They nest in the willows out back.
All my life, I've loved their song,
but suddenly, I can't stand it.
My mouth goes dry, I break out into a
cold sweat, my stomach cramps up in knots.
So, I have to wear these.
Uh, why don't we all have a seat?
Sure.
Let me give you
a little history, Ed.
Uh, Bonnie's 21, single.
Aside from the usual childhood illnesses and a greenstick
fracture to her left fibula, she's enjoyed excellent health.
Bonnie completed three years undergraduate
at the University of Alaska, Fairbanks.
Systems engineering. She's gifted.
Oh. She dropped out this
year to work with her uncle.
I didn't see the point in finishing.
I couldn't get a good job without
going to graduate school anyway.
When did you first notice
this reaction to the birds?
It was a week ago, Monday.
I was pulling apart this old Electrolux.
The chickadees were singing the way they
usually do, but suddenly, it was like...
someone running their fingernails
down a blackboard.
Any unrelated symptoms? Uh,
headaches, dizziness? No.
Well, your nutrition's good.
Are you taking a vitamin supplement?
Uh-huh.
Ed, why don't you have a look in Bonnie's
eyes? Maybe something will strike you.
Um-
This isn't a test.
There's no right or wrong answer.
- Well?
- Uh-
Well, they're- they're nice.
To make it easier to understand,
we divide childbirth into three stages.
There's labor, delivery,
delivery of the placenta.
Now, we also divide labor
into three stages.
There's latent labor, there's active labor,
and there's transitional labor.
Now, before the onset oflabor,
the fetus begins its descent into the pelvis.
Now, some women may feel increasing pressure
in this area, as well as in the rectum.
About this same time,
the cervix begins to thin and open.
As a result, the mucous plug
becomes dislodged and is expelled.
Women may feel intensification
of Braxton Hicks contractions,
as well as a thickening
of her vaginal discharge.
Um, some women experience
loose bowel movements about this stage.
The most obvious sign of impending labor
is the rupture of the membrane.
Most of us refer to this
as the breaking of the water.
Um, my girlfriend woke up
and her bed was all wet.
And she, like,
thought that she had wet it.
But then, like, it turned out
that her water broke.
So, you know,
how do you tell the difference?
Well, actually, if you, uh,
smell the sheets, believe it or not,
urine smells like ammonia
and amniotic fluid is, uh, sort of sweet.
Tasty too. We whip it up
in our egg creams.
Holling!
I'm sorry, Shel.
Guys, can we get back to this?
We've got a lot of territory to cover here.
Thanks.
Okay, um, now, most labor begins slowly.
There's a gradual building
of contractions.
Um, around this time,
the cervix begins to dilate.
Now, Bradley called the cervix
"the door to the uterus. "
Door? It's knock, knock.
Who's there?
Holling!
Mindy Hedstrom left Jack.
Yeah. I, uh
- I saw her at The Brick last night with Rodney Ellerbee.
Who?
Fish and Game.
Oh, that guy. Yeah.
Oh, man. It's stuck.
Nothing ever works in this place.
Try this one.
Anyway, Mindy and Rodney
are wrapped up like octopuses.
She's nibblin' on his ear.
Who walks in?
Jack, with a.45
strapped to his thigh.
Hey, hey, hey. Hold that thought.
What is this? Medium or dark?
- Well, it's always tricky with red.
- Mmm. Play it safe. Dark.
All right. What happened?
Well, the whole place goes quiet.
Jack walks up to the table
and he pulls out this ceramic frog vase.
You know, the kind where
the flowers come out of the mouth.
And he sets it on the table and says,
"Here. I've always hated this thing. "
And he turns to Rodney
and says, " Now it's yours. "
No lie.
Yeah.
Mindy and Jack, they were
never right for each other.
Oh, yuck! Look.
Some clown washed
his bathroom rug in here.
You know, I've told Maurice
to put up a sign.
This place is just gross.
Your clothes are dirtier when you leave.
My cousin Jennifer,
she has her own washer and dryer.
Really? She's rich. Has
her own Land Cruiser too.
Ugh. Ugh.
Look.
Cap Weinberger, Reagan-
They say the billions we poured
into S. D. I. was well spent.
The Soviet Union went bust
trying to keep up.
Yeah? I was talking to the guy
who put in my cable.
He said that was
the Reagan strategy all along.
Strategy? They lucked into it.
Pozner's right.
The Soviet Union was on the ropes anyway.
We put ourselves in a hole for nothing.
The brisket was really good.
What?
Uh, uh, the brisket!
Oh. Wait.
Chickadees are pretty quiet at night.
I was just saying as how, uh- The raisins in
the brisket- I thought that was a nice touch.
Thanks.
Yeah.
I hope it's not too inconvenient, me
and Leonard staying overnight like this.
He says sometimes, you know, well, it takes a few
days with a patient before a diagnosis can be made.
I don't mind.
Ed.
What is it?
I thought I saw someone
at the window.
Probably a Green Man.
Huh?
Oh, you know,
that old Athabascan thing.
How we explain weird stuff,
like, why you can't find your car keys,
and why the house
makes funny noises at night.
Oh. In my clan we call
them stick men. Mmm.
Frankly, I think
it's too bad about Russia.
Not that they weren't a political sinkhole,
but for our sake.
The cold war's over.
Isn't that good?
Well, yes and no.
The Soviet Union gave us
our raison d'être.
We were defenders
of the free world.
Now we've lost our identity.
We're disenfranchised,
in a state of anomie.
Shane.
Shane?
Well, like in the movie,
you know?
Alan Ladd wants
to put his guns away,
but his real identity is a gunfighter,
so it's inevitable.
By the end of the movie, he has to strap
on his Colt again and shootJack Palance.
Yes.
Whoa.
What?
I just got an idea about what
might be wrong with Bonnie.
Maybe it's not my place.
Ed, I've got no monopoly on wisdom.
Please, tell us.
Okay. See, you were studying
to be a systems engineer,
and then you dropped out.
But maybe that was your true identity.
Being an engineer, and what
you were supposed to be doing.
And, well, the chickadees, they're just
trying to tell you to go back to school.
Interesting.
Shelly? Hon?
I am so mad at you.
Why? What-What did I do?
You know perfectly well
what you did.
You don't mean my little japes
in class, do you?
I have never been so embarrassed
in my entire life.
Childbirth class. Childbirth!
You act like a total sleazoid.
I don't know, Shel. I thought
I kind of helped lighten up the mood a bit.
All you did, Holling,
was totally gross everybody out.
I wouldn't have blamed Dr. Fleischman
if he had expelled you right then and there.
That one young fellow
seemed to appreciate my humor.
Well, then he's as big
a hoser as you are.
God, Holling.
Here I am having a baby,
the most truly sacred thing
in the universe,
and you act like you're at some
batch party kegger.
Well, I guess you do have a point.
Why, Holling? You don't even laugh
at potty jokes at the bar.
I don't know, Shel.
I truly don't.
It just kind of popped out.
Then it popped out again.
It was like somebody else
was speaking.
I'm sorry, Shel. I am.
I won't let it happen again.
You better not.
I promise. Shel?
Well.
Hi.
Hi.
I wanted you to have this,
as a way of saying thanks.
Oh. Let me help you with that.
Sorry. It's kind of awkward.
Well, you must be feeling better. Yeah.
I sent away for reenrollment forms, and the
sound of the chickadees stopped bothering me.
Wow. I mean, maybe I was right.
You were.
I'm sure you were.
Oh.
Ifigured you probably had mostly hardwood
floors, and canisters are better for that.
Really?
This is top of the line. All-metal construction,
4.5 horsepower. Pick up a grapefruit.
Thanks.
All I have now is a broom.
Well, I guess I better get going.
Oh, right.
I'll walk you out.
You know, Ed,
I was thinking.
If you're not too busy with your shaman
training, maybe you'd like to get together.
Get together?
Well, it's not too cold yet.
We could still go on a picnic.
You want to go on
a picnic with me?
If you want to.
What?
Oh, nothing.
Uh, I guess a picnic
would be good.
Tomorrow?
Tomorrow? Okay.
Well, great. You bring the sodas,
and I'll bring the food.
Okay.
Well, I have to tell you, Chris,
I felt a little self-conscious getting these.
I mean, technically, I don't need
to own my own washer and dryer.
Then I thought, why am I being
so provincial? It's no big luxury.
I grew up with
a washer and dryer.
In Grosse Pointe?
Mmm.
It smells new, like a new car.
Look, and it's so shiny.
It makes me feel, uh, elegant.
That's the self-affirming power
of a new toy.
That's the life-support system
of the whole capitalist animal.
Huh? I mean, when you think about it,
the whole material gratification angle...
is just the tip of the iceberg.
These babies here embody the whole
woof and warp of human development.
A washer and dryer?
Ever since the Pleistocene era,
Homo erectus has been flocking it down
to the local creek to beat their fur
Skivvies against rocks, right?
Well, what's a Laundromat except the same old
creek, but with a cheap tin roof over it, huh?
Yeah? So?
But this.
This is progress.
I mean, these two iron boxes
- We've gone from communal suds to private spin cycle.
We're on our total blitzkrieg
towards isolation. You think?
Listen to me. The day's coming-
and it ain't gonna be long-
when you ain't even gonna have
to leave your living room.
No more schools, no more bodegas, no
more tabernacles, no more Cineplexes.
All right? You're gonna snuggle up
to your fiber optics, baby, and bliss out.
Good morning, Dr. Fleischman. Ed.
Hematologic Review?
Uh-huh.
Looks good.
Blood is important.
Yeah, uh, it helps.
Yeah.
Something that you want?
Do you find that patients tend to
fall in love with their doctors a lot?
Well, there is a rumor that, uh,
they tantalize you with in medical school...
that women find godlike young men in white coats
irresistible and blindly throw themselves at them.
But, I mean, I personally have
never experienced it. Why?
Well, I think it's happening to me.
What's happening to you? A
patient's falling in love with me.
Whoa, whoa.
Let's just get real here.
I mean, you're not a doctor.
As far as I understand, you're not even,
uh, what you call a healer.
Yeah. But I really can't find any other reason
to explain why Bonnie's being so nice to me.
She came over to my place,
brought me a gift, asked me out.
Really?
She asked you out? Like on a date? Picnic.
Well, nothing like that
ever happens to me.
Although,
one time I was doing this E. R. rotation,
this gorgeous woman came in.
She was, like, an ad exec. She had
been at some party and had some drinks.
She took some ephedrine by mistake.
She thought it was Tylenol.
Now, this woman definitely
came on to me.
I mean, she had my shirt off-
But, you know, it was drug-induced.
She didn't know what she was doing.
Well, the thing is, given my position,
it just doesn't seem right.
And then I spent a summer working
at the city ballet patching feet.
All these ballerinas.
Out of the whole corps de ballet,
not one evinced the slightest interest in me.
Yes, but what about
the doctor-patient relationship?
Ed, I mean, there's no moral
or ethical problem here.
You're a civilian.
The restrictions don't apply.
The only reason Bonnie likes me
is because I've healed her.
It's the mystique of our profession.
A word of advice?
Please.
So what?
Okay. Keep the rubbing motion
steady and rhythmic.
Coaches, don't make the mistake of changing the
direction of the rub in the middle of a contraction.
No jerky or uneven movements.
Gentlemen, is there something you'd
like to share with the rest of the class?
Now, besides the backache,
there is another discomfort...
that the birth partner can help
alleviate with massage.
Now, coaches, why don't you sit back, and,
mothers, sit with your backs into their laps.
Occasionally, the woman
will feel an ache in her front...
in the round ligaments that attach
the uterus to the pelvic floor.
Pelvic floor- Notions,
sportswear and ladies' lingerie.
You know, Holling, I like a joke as much as the next
person, but why don't we wait till after class, huh?
Sorry, Joel. It won't happen again.
Please, go on.
Now, like the backache, the round ligament
ache starts at the beginning of a contraction.
It gets stronger as the contraction does, and
then diminishes as the contraction goes away.
Okay, coaches, why don't you put your hands
on the opposite sides of
your partner's abdomen.
Remember that the laboring mother
is not necessarily going to want you...
to rub as hard on her tummy
as she would on her back, okay?
You have to find the exact degree of pressure she
desires and exactly where she wants you to rub.
- Heck, Joel, if we didn't know that,
we wouldn't be in this mess.
God, Phil!
What?
That's it. That's it. You are
out of here, Holling. Get out!
- Shel, I-
- You heard me! Go!
Move it! Now!
I've actually wanted to be an engineer
as long as I can remember.
Uncle Arnie tells this story-
I don't know if it's true or not-
but when I was six years old,
I was over at his house.
He'd just taken apart
a rug shampooer.
He went to make himself a cup of tea. And when he
came back, I'd put the fan assembly back together.
Hmm. Take some chicken.
Uh, Bonnie?
Yeah?
I'd like to talk about us,
if you don't mind.
Sure.
Um, I get the impression
you like me.
I do.
It's not gonna work out.
What?
The feelings you're having for me-
well, they're not real.
You're attracted to the shaman,
not the man.
I don't think so.
I cured you, Bonnie.
You thought you were gonna have to wear
ear mufflers for the rest of your life.
What you're feeling is more gratitude.
No, it isn't.
Trust me, Bonnie.
You're an attractive, intelligent person.
And outside of me being a healer, well,
there's just not much you could see in me.
I don't understand what you're talking
about. You have lots of good qualities.
I know you want to think that.
Ed, you're not inside my head.
Don't tell me what I'm thinking.
What about you? I mean,
I had the impression
you liked me too.
Well, don't you?
Of course, I think you're very nice.
But I really can't see anything
beyond a professional relationship.
Oh.
Well, I'm glad we got that
all straightened out.
The chicken looks really good.
Can I serve you some?
I'm not hungry.
Uh, Bonnie?
Back when you had Rudy and Matt, they
didn't know diddly about birthing babies.
Since you're gonna be my coach,
you gotta learn all these dealies about
relaxation, effacement, preeclampsia.
I
- I don't think this is a good idea, Shelly. What do you mean?
Well, I've never felt that affinity for
childbirth, even when I was having my own kids.
It's a painful,
exhausting business.
And my hands aren't as strong
as they used to be.
Ruth-Anne, all you gotta do
is apply yourself.
Cross my heart, you are gonna make
a totally kick-ass coach.
For sure you'll make a better coach
than my so-called husband.
Well, I'll try.
Great.
Next class, we're gonna practice
the full squat.
Hello, Ed.
Ed.
Maurice.
You know, now I know just how Jon Voight
felt when he smashed his fist into that wall.
Beg your pardon?
In The Champ, right after he tells little
Ricky Schroder that he doesn't love him anymore.
He smashes his fist right into that cinder
block wall, he feels so bad about it.
Yeah, I saw that piece of tripe.
Couldn't hold a candle
to the original.
Jackie Cooper, Wallace Beery-
Now, that Beery,
you could believe he was an ex-pug.
The thing is, Champ thought he was
doing what was best for the kid-
sending him away,
ignoring his tears.
He didn't want the kid
to turn out to be like him.
He wanted the kid to be somebody.
Hey, what do you have to do
to get a cup of coffee around here?
Don't you think he did
the right thing, Maurice?
You mean lying to his kid?
Breaking his heart
so he'd go live with his mother?
Absolutely not.
If he was half a man, he would have
quit drinking, quit playing cards,
gotten a job and supported his son.
Oh, the man was a champ all right.
A champ of weaklings.
A champ of cowards.
Oh.
I know what you're thinking, Dave.
I must be upset because Shelly's
picked a new birthing partner. Yeah.
Well, maybe it's all for the best.
You know, the day I was born,
my father went off fishing.
He had no intention of being
anywhere near the blessed event. No?
And who can blame him?
Who can blame any man?
Where I come from, this isn't
a fit subject for mixed company.
Vaginal this and vaginal that.
I tell you, I don't think a man
has any business being in there.
Hello.
Hi, Ruth-Anne. It's Maggie.
Oh, hello, dear.
Hey, how are you?
- Fine.
- Well, I know that today is normally the day that you do your laundry.
And, um, I just won't be able to see you
there because I'm doing my laundry at home.
I guess you know I got a
washer and dryer? Uh-huh.
Excuse me, the expiration date
on these peas is over a month old.
Uh, hold on. What?
They're kind of too old to sell.
Well, then don't buy them.
Sorry.
No, no. No problem.
I just kind of called to chat.
Ah. The thing is, I
really need frozen peas.
Um. Just a sec.
Go get another package.
It's all you got.
Well, what do you want me to do?
Okay. I guess I'll get some corn.
What were you saying?
Well, I was just wondering,
have you heard about Mindy Hedstrom?
She and Jack broke up,
and I don't know-
Hello, Ruth-Anne.
Hi, Walt.
- What?
- Mindy. Mindy.
Have you seen Mindy
since she split with Jack?
I heard that she and Rodney
may be moving to Sleetmute.
Um, just a second.
Uh, what-
what do you need, Walt?
I bought a medium. I
really need a large. Uh-huh.
I'm sorry. Do you have any
without butter sauce?
Maggie, it's kind of hectic here.
Could I call you back?
Oh, yeah. Sure, sure.
Listen, it- it wasn't important.
I- I-Yeah.
Yeah, I'll talk to you later.
All right. Bye, dear.
Bye.
There you are.
Oh, afternoon, miss.
You remember me?
Sure do.
You're that young fella's bride.
Phil, right.
Well, I just wanted to say
thanks a whole heap.
How's that?
Phil dropped out of birth class.
And if he books on me,
it's your fault.
He didn't want this baby in the first place, but
I thought he was finally getting cool about it.
Now he's, like, acting all weird again.
Last couple of days,
he's out all night with his buds.
Skipped my prenatal. Said he had to
adjust the timing on the Trans Am.
And then I find this
in with his stash.
An application for the Coast Guard.
Uh, what's this all
got to do with me?
I spent all this time telling Phil how major it is for families
to stick together and for his kid to have a daddy and all that.
And then you come along.
I mean, how's Phil supposed to think it's
important when you make it into a big stupid joke?
Phil starts thinking having a baby is
a goof, something he can just blow off.
It- It's, like, my problem.
You think because of me
your husband might abandon you?
He's not my husband.
We're engaged.
Listen, miss, I am very sorry.
- I had no intention of causing
anyone any trouble.
You're a grown man!
You're supposed to set a good example.
Yoo-hoo, Marilyn!
Hi! How are you?
Good.
So, did you hear I got a
washer and dryer? Uh-huh.
Let me tell you,
I don't know how I lived without it.
'Cause, you know-you know how Maurice's machines, the
fabric softener dispenser always gunked up with old soap?
Well, not anymore.
I don't have to look at that again.
And the freedom. Day or night-
I can do my laundry whenever I want.
Oh, that's nice.
Yeah.
Of course, it was agitating
a little weird today.
Of course, that could
have been my imagination.
Anyway, I was wondering if maybe
you'd like to come over and run a wash.
You want me to wash my clothes
at your house? Yeah. Why not?
The machines are just sitting there,
and I've got a strudel in the freezer.
I could ask Chris
and some other people too.
Uh, no, thanks.
No? Why not?
I like the magazines
at the Laundromat.
Oh, come on, Marilyn.
Those are year-old Field & Streams.
It smells good in there too. No, it
doesn't. It smells like bleach and detergent.
Um, it's convenient.
It's close to the office.
Oh. Well, all right.
See you later.
Bye.
Bull's-eye!
You should've heard yourself.
"Aside from being a shaman, I don't
think there's much you could see in me. "
Who are you?
Who am I?
That's good, Ed.
That's really good.
Is there some kind of carnival?
Ed, come on. Look at me.
I'm green. I'm short.
I have a great sense of humor.
Any clues there, huh?
You're a Green Man.
No, I'm a divot from the 16th tee
at Pebble Beach.
You're some kind of evil spirit,
aren't you? Ed, Ed, Ed, Ed, Ed, Ed.
I'm your pal, your buddy,
your chum.
And I gotta say, you know, I
like that jacket. I gotta go.
Wait, wait, wait, wait. Hey, hey,
hey. Hey, Ed. Ed, realize something.
We're in this together
for the long haul, you and me.
Two clams in the sea,
two bugs in a rug.
Ed, you got to slow down.
Have a little consideration for my size.
What do you want?
What do I want?
To tell you the truth,
I've always wanted to live by the sea.
Nothing fancy, a little modest three,
four bedroom place, cedar deck out back.
I'm going home. Wait.
Ed. Ed, hold on. Hold on.
Ed. Ed, hold on. All right, all right.
True confessions. True confessions.
What I really want is to completely
incapacitate you with self-doubt,
so that eventually, you won't have enough
inner strength to get yourself out of a chair.
You with me, Ed?
No. I don't understand you.
Self-doubt.
I want to fill your life with fear, anxiety,
misgivings- the whole nine-course dinner.
Speaking of which,
how about fish sticks tonight?
Why are you picking on me?
Oh, you think I asked for this?
You think I wouldn't rather
be tracking caribou?
Remember, you called me.
No, I don't think so.
Oh, Ed. You know I hate it
when we argue.
Oh, geez, I just remembered.
I got to go to the airport and
pick up my cousin. He's a troll.
He lives right outside of Leipzig.
I haven't seen him since the wall came down.
Well, hey, I'll catch up with you.
Keep dinner warm for me, all right?
Take it easy, pal.
Excuse me, Phil.
Oh, hey, man.
Might I have a word?
A word?
I'll buy you a root beer.
Your fiancée, Lisa,
came by to see me today.
And? She said you dropped
out of birthing class.
Yeah. Why did they lay that on us
in the first place, huh?
You're lucky, man. Your lady
gave you the boot. Yeah, well,
I don't feel lucky.
Get out.
The way you were goofing on everything. That, uh, pelvic floor, man
- that went off.
I have to tell you, Phil,
I'm not proud of my behavior.
I keep asking myself why.
What was it that compelled me
to be so foul and malicious?
I believe I know the answer.
Let me ask you, Phil.
Do you love Lisa?
I guess.
Yeah, I think you do.
Just like I love Shelly.
And we hate to see them
suffering pain.
We don't want to see them go through the
agonies of childbirth. It's getting late, man.
Phil. Phil, there's something else.
Something far less noble.
Uh-oh.
Our fears about ourselves.
Our fears that in the midst of
this awesome event, we might fail.
We might lose our nerve,
and our women would find out
that we're not the men we pretend to be.
I can't admit that to Shelly.
I can hardly admit it to myself.
So what do I do? I act the fool.
I play the class clown,
make lewd remarks.
Some other man might simply
run away from those fears.
He might abandon
the woman he loves.
The thing we have to remember-
In spite of our fears, we're their mates.
We made a pact with our loins.
We have to stand by our women, Phil.
Ed?
Leonard.
Oh, Leonard.
What did you do
to Bonnie Norell?
Bonnie? Ever since she went out with
you, she's been listless, uncommunicative.
Suddenly she becomes nauseated
at the smell of scrub pine.
Oh.
She was doing so well.
What happened?
All I did is tell her she couldn't
possibly have any feelings for me.
Well, that she just liked me
on account of I was a shaman in training.
Wait.
You mean, Bonnie told you she
had feelings for you? Uh-huh.
And you told her that was impossible?
Right.
Oh.
Maybe it's my fault.
Maybe I pushed you into this too soon.
Are you expecting company?
A Green Man.
A Green Man?
He said he was going to join me
for dinner and the rest of my life.
Oh. Now it all makes sense.
It does?
Ed, have you ever heard
of low self-esteem?
That's what the Green Man is.
I know they've entered our mythology
as something akin to gremlins,
but they're really a manifestation
of poor self-image-
Uh, a sense of, uh, inadequacy.
I'm not sure I follow you, Leonard.
You have a terrible self-image.
That's why you said those absurd,
stupid things to Bonnie.
They have no relation
to objective reality.
You're an eminently lovable person, Ed.
The truth is,
you created this Green Man.
He's the embodiment of
your own self-loathing.
I'll tell you something.
Ed, this is your demon.
My demon?
Everyone who's chosen to be a shaman has a
demon to fight, and yours is the worst of all.
Low self-esteem is the root cause of
practically all the pain and misery in the world.
It's what drives war
and torture and genocide.
It's what evil is.
Do you think Hitler liked himself?
Or Cortés?
We hate others
because we hate ourselves.
You can't be a healer, Ed,
as long as the Green Man owns you.
How do I get rid of him, Leonard?
I'm afraid you can't,
not entirely.
But you can keep him at bay.
And there's only one way to do that.
It's actually put very well
in the Christian Gospel.
John 1: " Love casts out fear. "
You have to learn to love yourself.
Good night, Ed.
You're probably gonna have to take it back
and get me a refund, right?
Uh-uh.
Uh-uh?
No, just gotta replace
your drive belt.
That's it?
Yeah.
And the motor was running, right?
It just wasn't agitating? Yeah.
Well, your drive belt broke.
It's simple. It'll take me 10 minutes.
No way. Mm-mmm.
Look, my father was in the car business
for 35 years, and I know lemons.
Hey, I haven't even had this a week,
and the drive belt breaks?
It's just the beginning. It's gonna be in
and out of the shop the entire time I own it.
No, sir.
I think it should be taken back.
Taken back?
I either want a new machine, or it should be thoroughly
inspected and signed off by a factory service rep.
You want me to send this
all the way back to the factory?
Well, that's what I said, isn't it?
That could take four or five months.
Well, I'll just have to make do,
won't I?
Okay, as the birthing partners
continue their massage,
I want the mothers to practice
their relaxation exercises...
for the first stage of contractions.
Remember to breathe
in a steady and an even rhythm.
Just concentrate on
letting the tummy relax.
Think about it floating outward,
away from your body, as you breathe in.
With each exhale,
you just relax a little more.
Just try and let your whole body
just sag and relax.
Thank you, Ruth-Anne. I'll
take over now. Holling.
I promise I won't let you down,
Shel. You said that before.
I don't blame you for feeling the way
you do, but it's different now.
Please, Shel.
Okay.
Whew. Thank God. Good-bye,
everybody, and good luck.
Bye, Ruth-Anne.
Bye-bye.
Okay, back to our breathing exercises.
Coaches, continue the massage.
Mothers, just ease that tension
out of your shoulders.
Just let it go right out
of your hands.
Let go of any tension in your chest.
Just stay limp, loose.
Let your P. C. muscle relax completely.
Let your vaginal barrel be open.
Just let go, and sink into the floor.
Breathe at a nice, normal pace.
Just think of the uterus
as a big bag of muscles...
that's opening the door for your baby.
So I guess you heard
Mindy's back with Jack.
Uh-uh.
Oh, yeah.
Rodney said he had to go to Allakaket to
tag musk ox for a government migratory study.
Well, afterwards, Mindy found this little
receipt to the Seaview Motel in Sitka.
- Ends up he had a girlfriend down there.
- Hmm.
Oh, yeah. And he said,
"Well, I would've told you,
but I didn't think you were
open-minded enough to accept it. "
She said, " Damn right," and knocked out
his two front teeth with a cellular phone.
Oh, no.
Maurice.
Maurice, look at this!
Your machine shreds clothes, Maurice.
My slip is like a hula skirt.
There's nothing wrong with that
machine. Just punch " delicate. "
No, it is the machine, Maurice.
I did hit delicate.
Sweetheart, if you don't like it,
you might want to get yourself
a number 10 washtub and scrub board.
Maggie?
Yeah?
It's good to have you back.
Thanks.
Where do you think you're going?
Those for me?
I don't want to talk to you.
Uh-oh.
This about last night?
I'm sorry I stood you up.
Look, some old college friends came by.
We made sangria. I lost track of time.
Look Ed, I'm only here for one reason
- To stop you from making a terrible mistake.
What do you mean?
What could she possibly
ever see in you?
She comes from a good family.
She's going to college. She's cultured.
Ed, Ed, Ed, Ed, Ed. You're nothing
but a poor, uneducated orphan.
You're totally beneath her.
And even if by some chance
you did get together, it's doomed.
Sooner or later
she'd grow to hate you.
Didn't you ever see the movie
Blue Angel?
Marlene Dietrich?
Remember? EmilJannings plays this
pathetic weakling who marries her.
Naturally, she grows to despise him.
And how does that end?
He kills himself.
Uh-huh.
Ed, I'm sorry.
Somebody has to tell you the truth.
I just don't want you to get hurt.
You understand.
No. I'm not going to listen to you.
What? What? What?
Ed, wait. Wait.
Ed, wait, don't do it.
Believe me,
you'll only be humiliated.
Ed. Oh, God, Ed, wait.
Please. Ed. Ed.
Ed, please. What's gonna happen
to me? What happens to me, Ed?
Ed!
Hi. These are for you.
Thanks.
Bonnie?
Yeah?
There's something
I'd like to explain to you.
Okay.
Come on in.
Huh?
Ed!
Leonard.
Hi.
You need to get dressed.
Time to go to work.
Leonard, I don't have to be to work at
Maurice's until noon, and it's only...
4:30?
You're coming to work with me.
With you?
I need to make a house call. I thought
it'd be a good idea for you to come along.
You want me to go with you
to see a patient?
That's right.
Better get a move on.
It's a bit of a drive, and we need
to get there before daybreak.
But, Leonard, I've never done this
sort of thing before. Well, precisely.
If you're going to be a healer, it's not enough
to read books and learn allegorical stories.
You need to get your feet wet.
Get some clinical experience under your belt.
I don't know.
I just don't know
if I'm ready for this yet.
Ed, no one is ever ready.
You told them you were
bringing me? Uh-huh.
And that was okay?
Mm-hmm.
You sure they don't mind?
Positive.
Leonard.
Arnie.
How's that Hoover I rebuilt?
Runs like a Tucker.
Good. This the kid?
Yeah. Ed Chigliak, Arnie Norell.
How do you do, sir?
Please.
I'm sorry to bring you out so early,
but mornings are hardest on her.
That's when they come out.
They?
She'll tell you.
Bonnie? Honey?
Bonnie.
Oh, Leonard.
Hello, Bonnie.
This is my student Ed
Chigliak. Uh, Bonnie Norell. Hi.
Hi.
I didn't want to bother you,
but Uncle Arnie insisted.
It's okay. Uh, what seems
to be the trouble?
Come here.
Listen.
Black-capped chickadees.
They nest in the willows out back.
All my life, I've loved their song,
but suddenly, I can't stand it.
My mouth goes dry, I break out into a
cold sweat, my stomach cramps up in knots.
So, I have to wear these.
Uh, why don't we all have a seat?
Sure.
Let me give you
a little history, Ed.
Uh, Bonnie's 21, single.
Aside from the usual childhood illnesses and a greenstick
fracture to her left fibula, she's enjoyed excellent health.
Bonnie completed three years undergraduate
at the University of Alaska, Fairbanks.
Systems engineering. She's gifted.
Oh. She dropped out this
year to work with her uncle.
I didn't see the point in finishing.
I couldn't get a good job without
going to graduate school anyway.
When did you first notice
this reaction to the birds?
It was a week ago, Monday.
I was pulling apart this old Electrolux.
The chickadees were singing the way they
usually do, but suddenly, it was like...
someone running their fingernails
down a blackboard.
Any unrelated symptoms? Uh,
headaches, dizziness? No.
Well, your nutrition's good.
Are you taking a vitamin supplement?
Uh-huh.
Ed, why don't you have a look in Bonnie's
eyes? Maybe something will strike you.
Um-
This isn't a test.
There's no right or wrong answer.
- Well?
- Uh-
Well, they're- they're nice.
To make it easier to understand,
we divide childbirth into three stages.
There's labor, delivery,
delivery of the placenta.
Now, we also divide labor
into three stages.
There's latent labor, there's active labor,
and there's transitional labor.
Now, before the onset oflabor,
the fetus begins its descent into the pelvis.
Now, some women may feel increasing pressure
in this area, as well as in the rectum.
About this same time,
the cervix begins to thin and open.
As a result, the mucous plug
becomes dislodged and is expelled.
Women may feel intensification
of Braxton Hicks contractions,
as well as a thickening
of her vaginal discharge.
Um, some women experience
loose bowel movements about this stage.
The most obvious sign of impending labor
is the rupture of the membrane.
Most of us refer to this
as the breaking of the water.
Um, my girlfriend woke up
and her bed was all wet.
And she, like,
thought that she had wet it.
But then, like, it turned out
that her water broke.
So, you know,
how do you tell the difference?
Well, actually, if you, uh,
smell the sheets, believe it or not,
urine smells like ammonia
and amniotic fluid is, uh, sort of sweet.
Tasty too. We whip it up
in our egg creams.
Holling!
I'm sorry, Shel.
Guys, can we get back to this?
We've got a lot of territory to cover here.
Thanks.
Okay, um, now, most labor begins slowly.
There's a gradual building
of contractions.
Um, around this time,
the cervix begins to dilate.
Now, Bradley called the cervix
"the door to the uterus. "
Door? It's knock, knock.
Who's there?
Holling!
Mindy Hedstrom left Jack.
Yeah. I, uh
- I saw her at The Brick last night with Rodney Ellerbee.
Who?
Fish and Game.
Oh, that guy. Yeah.
Oh, man. It's stuck.
Nothing ever works in this place.
Try this one.
Anyway, Mindy and Rodney
are wrapped up like octopuses.
She's nibblin' on his ear.
Who walks in?
Jack, with a.45
strapped to his thigh.
Hey, hey, hey. Hold that thought.
What is this? Medium or dark?
- Well, it's always tricky with red.
- Mmm. Play it safe. Dark.
All right. What happened?
Well, the whole place goes quiet.
Jack walks up to the table
and he pulls out this ceramic frog vase.
You know, the kind where
the flowers come out of the mouth.
And he sets it on the table and says,
"Here. I've always hated this thing. "
And he turns to Rodney
and says, " Now it's yours. "
No lie.
Yeah.
Mindy and Jack, they were
never right for each other.
Oh, yuck! Look.
Some clown washed
his bathroom rug in here.
You know, I've told Maurice
to put up a sign.
This place is just gross.
Your clothes are dirtier when you leave.
My cousin Jennifer,
she has her own washer and dryer.
Really? She's rich. Has
her own Land Cruiser too.
Ugh. Ugh.
Look.
Cap Weinberger, Reagan-
They say the billions we poured
into S. D. I. was well spent.
The Soviet Union went bust
trying to keep up.
Yeah? I was talking to the guy
who put in my cable.
He said that was
the Reagan strategy all along.
Strategy? They lucked into it.
Pozner's right.
The Soviet Union was on the ropes anyway.
We put ourselves in a hole for nothing.
The brisket was really good.
What?
Uh, uh, the brisket!
Oh. Wait.
Chickadees are pretty quiet at night.
I was just saying as how, uh- The raisins in
the brisket- I thought that was a nice touch.
Thanks.
Yeah.
I hope it's not too inconvenient, me
and Leonard staying overnight like this.
He says sometimes, you know, well, it takes a few
days with a patient before a diagnosis can be made.
I don't mind.
Ed.
What is it?
I thought I saw someone
at the window.
Probably a Green Man.
Huh?
Oh, you know,
that old Athabascan thing.
How we explain weird stuff,
like, why you can't find your car keys,
and why the house
makes funny noises at night.
Oh. In my clan we call
them stick men. Mmm.
Frankly, I think
it's too bad about Russia.
Not that they weren't a political sinkhole,
but for our sake.
The cold war's over.
Isn't that good?
Well, yes and no.
The Soviet Union gave us
our raison d'être.
We were defenders
of the free world.
Now we've lost our identity.
We're disenfranchised,
in a state of anomie.
Shane.
Shane?
Well, like in the movie,
you know?
Alan Ladd wants
to put his guns away,
but his real identity is a gunfighter,
so it's inevitable.
By the end of the movie, he has to strap
on his Colt again and shootJack Palance.
Yes.
Whoa.
What?
I just got an idea about what
might be wrong with Bonnie.
Maybe it's not my place.
Ed, I've got no monopoly on wisdom.
Please, tell us.
Okay. See, you were studying
to be a systems engineer,
and then you dropped out.
But maybe that was your true identity.
Being an engineer, and what
you were supposed to be doing.
And, well, the chickadees, they're just
trying to tell you to go back to school.
Interesting.
Shelly? Hon?
I am so mad at you.
Why? What-What did I do?
You know perfectly well
what you did.
You don't mean my little japes
in class, do you?
I have never been so embarrassed
in my entire life.
Childbirth class. Childbirth!
You act like a total sleazoid.
I don't know, Shel. I thought
I kind of helped lighten up the mood a bit.
All you did, Holling,
was totally gross everybody out.
I wouldn't have blamed Dr. Fleischman
if he had expelled you right then and there.
That one young fellow
seemed to appreciate my humor.
Well, then he's as big
a hoser as you are.
God, Holling.
Here I am having a baby,
the most truly sacred thing
in the universe,
and you act like you're at some
batch party kegger.
Well, I guess you do have a point.
Why, Holling? You don't even laugh
at potty jokes at the bar.
I don't know, Shel.
I truly don't.
It just kind of popped out.
Then it popped out again.
It was like somebody else
was speaking.
I'm sorry, Shel. I am.
I won't let it happen again.
You better not.
I promise. Shel?
Well.
Hi.
Hi.
I wanted you to have this,
as a way of saying thanks.
Oh. Let me help you with that.
Sorry. It's kind of awkward.
Well, you must be feeling better. Yeah.
I sent away for reenrollment forms, and the
sound of the chickadees stopped bothering me.
Wow. I mean, maybe I was right.
You were.
I'm sure you were.
Oh.
Ifigured you probably had mostly hardwood
floors, and canisters are better for that.
Really?
This is top of the line. All-metal construction,
4.5 horsepower. Pick up a grapefruit.
Thanks.
All I have now is a broom.
Well, I guess I better get going.
Oh, right.
I'll walk you out.
You know, Ed,
I was thinking.
If you're not too busy with your shaman
training, maybe you'd like to get together.
Get together?
Well, it's not too cold yet.
We could still go on a picnic.
You want to go on
a picnic with me?
If you want to.
What?
Oh, nothing.
Uh, I guess a picnic
would be good.
Tomorrow?
Tomorrow? Okay.
Well, great. You bring the sodas,
and I'll bring the food.
Okay.
Well, I have to tell you, Chris,
I felt a little self-conscious getting these.
I mean, technically, I don't need
to own my own washer and dryer.
Then I thought, why am I being
so provincial? It's no big luxury.
I grew up with
a washer and dryer.
In Grosse Pointe?
Mmm.
It smells new, like a new car.
Look, and it's so shiny.
It makes me feel, uh, elegant.
That's the self-affirming power
of a new toy.
That's the life-support system
of the whole capitalist animal.
Huh? I mean, when you think about it,
the whole material gratification angle...
is just the tip of the iceberg.
These babies here embody the whole
woof and warp of human development.
A washer and dryer?
Ever since the Pleistocene era,
Homo erectus has been flocking it down
to the local creek to beat their fur
Skivvies against rocks, right?
Well, what's a Laundromat except the same old
creek, but with a cheap tin roof over it, huh?
Yeah? So?
But this.
This is progress.
I mean, these two iron boxes
- We've gone from communal suds to private spin cycle.
We're on our total blitzkrieg
towards isolation. You think?
Listen to me. The day's coming-
and it ain't gonna be long-
when you ain't even gonna have
to leave your living room.
No more schools, no more bodegas, no
more tabernacles, no more Cineplexes.
All right? You're gonna snuggle up
to your fiber optics, baby, and bliss out.
Good morning, Dr. Fleischman. Ed.
Hematologic Review?
Uh-huh.
Looks good.
Blood is important.
Yeah, uh, it helps.
Yeah.
Something that you want?
Do you find that patients tend to
fall in love with their doctors a lot?
Well, there is a rumor that, uh,
they tantalize you with in medical school...
that women find godlike young men in white coats
irresistible and blindly throw themselves at them.
But, I mean, I personally have
never experienced it. Why?
Well, I think it's happening to me.
What's happening to you? A
patient's falling in love with me.
Whoa, whoa.
Let's just get real here.
I mean, you're not a doctor.
As far as I understand, you're not even,
uh, what you call a healer.
Yeah. But I really can't find any other reason
to explain why Bonnie's being so nice to me.
She came over to my place,
brought me a gift, asked me out.
Really?
She asked you out? Like on a date? Picnic.
Well, nothing like that
ever happens to me.
Although,
one time I was doing this E. R. rotation,
this gorgeous woman came in.
She was, like, an ad exec. She had
been at some party and had some drinks.
She took some ephedrine by mistake.
She thought it was Tylenol.
Now, this woman definitely
came on to me.
I mean, she had my shirt off-
But, you know, it was drug-induced.
She didn't know what she was doing.
Well, the thing is, given my position,
it just doesn't seem right.
And then I spent a summer working
at the city ballet patching feet.
All these ballerinas.
Out of the whole corps de ballet,
not one evinced the slightest interest in me.
Yes, but what about
the doctor-patient relationship?
Ed, I mean, there's no moral
or ethical problem here.
You're a civilian.
The restrictions don't apply.
The only reason Bonnie likes me
is because I've healed her.
It's the mystique of our profession.
A word of advice?
Please.
So what?
Okay. Keep the rubbing motion
steady and rhythmic.
Coaches, don't make the mistake of changing the
direction of the rub in the middle of a contraction.
No jerky or uneven movements.
Gentlemen, is there something you'd
like to share with the rest of the class?
Now, besides the backache,
there is another discomfort...
that the birth partner can help
alleviate with massage.
Now, coaches, why don't you sit back, and,
mothers, sit with your backs into their laps.
Occasionally, the woman
will feel an ache in her front...
in the round ligaments that attach
the uterus to the pelvic floor.
Pelvic floor- Notions,
sportswear and ladies' lingerie.
You know, Holling, I like a joke as much as the next
person, but why don't we wait till after class, huh?
Sorry, Joel. It won't happen again.
Please, go on.
Now, like the backache, the round ligament
ache starts at the beginning of a contraction.
It gets stronger as the contraction does, and
then diminishes as the contraction goes away.
Okay, coaches, why don't you put your hands
on the opposite sides of
your partner's abdomen.
Remember that the laboring mother
is not necessarily going to want you...
to rub as hard on her tummy
as she would on her back, okay?
You have to find the exact degree of pressure she
desires and exactly where she wants you to rub.
- Heck, Joel, if we didn't know that,
we wouldn't be in this mess.
God, Phil!
What?
That's it. That's it. You are
out of here, Holling. Get out!
- Shel, I-
- You heard me! Go!
Move it! Now!
I've actually wanted to be an engineer
as long as I can remember.
Uncle Arnie tells this story-
I don't know if it's true or not-
but when I was six years old,
I was over at his house.
He'd just taken apart
a rug shampooer.
He went to make himself a cup of tea. And when he
came back, I'd put the fan assembly back together.
Hmm. Take some chicken.
Uh, Bonnie?
Yeah?
I'd like to talk about us,
if you don't mind.
Sure.
Um, I get the impression
you like me.
I do.
It's not gonna work out.
What?
The feelings you're having for me-
well, they're not real.
You're attracted to the shaman,
not the man.
I don't think so.
I cured you, Bonnie.
You thought you were gonna have to wear
ear mufflers for the rest of your life.
What you're feeling is more gratitude.
No, it isn't.
Trust me, Bonnie.
You're an attractive, intelligent person.
And outside of me being a healer, well,
there's just not much you could see in me.
I don't understand what you're talking
about. You have lots of good qualities.
I know you want to think that.
Ed, you're not inside my head.
Don't tell me what I'm thinking.
What about you? I mean,
I had the impression
you liked me too.
Well, don't you?
Of course, I think you're very nice.
But I really can't see anything
beyond a professional relationship.
Oh.
Well, I'm glad we got that
all straightened out.
The chicken looks really good.
Can I serve you some?
I'm not hungry.
Uh, Bonnie?
Back when you had Rudy and Matt, they
didn't know diddly about birthing babies.
Since you're gonna be my coach,
you gotta learn all these dealies about
relaxation, effacement, preeclampsia.
I
- I don't think this is a good idea, Shelly. What do you mean?
Well, I've never felt that affinity for
childbirth, even when I was having my own kids.
It's a painful,
exhausting business.
And my hands aren't as strong
as they used to be.
Ruth-Anne, all you gotta do
is apply yourself.
Cross my heart, you are gonna make
a totally kick-ass coach.
For sure you'll make a better coach
than my so-called husband.
Well, I'll try.
Great.
Next class, we're gonna practice
the full squat.
Hello, Ed.
Ed.
Maurice.
You know, now I know just how Jon Voight
felt when he smashed his fist into that wall.
Beg your pardon?
In The Champ, right after he tells little
Ricky Schroder that he doesn't love him anymore.
He smashes his fist right into that cinder
block wall, he feels so bad about it.
Yeah, I saw that piece of tripe.
Couldn't hold a candle
to the original.
Jackie Cooper, Wallace Beery-
Now, that Beery,
you could believe he was an ex-pug.
The thing is, Champ thought he was
doing what was best for the kid-
sending him away,
ignoring his tears.
He didn't want the kid
to turn out to be like him.
He wanted the kid to be somebody.
Hey, what do you have to do
to get a cup of coffee around here?
Don't you think he did
the right thing, Maurice?
You mean lying to his kid?
Breaking his heart
so he'd go live with his mother?
Absolutely not.
If he was half a man, he would have
quit drinking, quit playing cards,
gotten a job and supported his son.
Oh, the man was a champ all right.
A champ of weaklings.
A champ of cowards.
Oh.
I know what you're thinking, Dave.
I must be upset because Shelly's
picked a new birthing partner. Yeah.
Well, maybe it's all for the best.
You know, the day I was born,
my father went off fishing.
He had no intention of being
anywhere near the blessed event. No?
And who can blame him?
Who can blame any man?
Where I come from, this isn't
a fit subject for mixed company.
Vaginal this and vaginal that.
I tell you, I don't think a man
has any business being in there.
Hello.
Hi, Ruth-Anne. It's Maggie.
Oh, hello, dear.
Hey, how are you?
- Fine.
- Well, I know that today is normally the day that you do your laundry.
And, um, I just won't be able to see you
there because I'm doing my laundry at home.
I guess you know I got a
washer and dryer? Uh-huh.
Excuse me, the expiration date
on these peas is over a month old.
Uh, hold on. What?
They're kind of too old to sell.
Well, then don't buy them.
Sorry.
No, no. No problem.
I just kind of called to chat.
Ah. The thing is, I
really need frozen peas.
Um. Just a sec.
Go get another package.
It's all you got.
Well, what do you want me to do?
Okay. I guess I'll get some corn.
What were you saying?
Well, I was just wondering,
have you heard about Mindy Hedstrom?
She and Jack broke up,
and I don't know-
Hello, Ruth-Anne.
Hi, Walt.
- What?
- Mindy. Mindy.
Have you seen Mindy
since she split with Jack?
I heard that she and Rodney
may be moving to Sleetmute.
Um, just a second.
Uh, what-
what do you need, Walt?
I bought a medium. I
really need a large. Uh-huh.
I'm sorry. Do you have any
without butter sauce?
Maggie, it's kind of hectic here.
Could I call you back?
Oh, yeah. Sure, sure.
Listen, it- it wasn't important.
I- I-Yeah.
Yeah, I'll talk to you later.
All right. Bye, dear.
Bye.
There you are.
Oh, afternoon, miss.
You remember me?
Sure do.
You're that young fella's bride.
Phil, right.
Well, I just wanted to say
thanks a whole heap.
How's that?
Phil dropped out of birth class.
And if he books on me,
it's your fault.
He didn't want this baby in the first place, but
I thought he was finally getting cool about it.
Now he's, like, acting all weird again.
Last couple of days,
he's out all night with his buds.
Skipped my prenatal. Said he had to
adjust the timing on the Trans Am.
And then I find this
in with his stash.
An application for the Coast Guard.
Uh, what's this all
got to do with me?
I spent all this time telling Phil how major it is for families
to stick together and for his kid to have a daddy and all that.
And then you come along.
I mean, how's Phil supposed to think it's
important when you make it into a big stupid joke?
Phil starts thinking having a baby is
a goof, something he can just blow off.
It- It's, like, my problem.
You think because of me
your husband might abandon you?
He's not my husband.
We're engaged.
Listen, miss, I am very sorry.
- I had no intention of causing
anyone any trouble.
You're a grown man!
You're supposed to set a good example.
Yoo-hoo, Marilyn!
Hi! How are you?
Good.
So, did you hear I got a
washer and dryer? Uh-huh.
Let me tell you,
I don't know how I lived without it.
'Cause, you know-you know how Maurice's machines, the
fabric softener dispenser always gunked up with old soap?
Well, not anymore.
I don't have to look at that again.
And the freedom. Day or night-
I can do my laundry whenever I want.
Oh, that's nice.
Yeah.
Of course, it was agitating
a little weird today.
Of course, that could
have been my imagination.
Anyway, I was wondering if maybe
you'd like to come over and run a wash.
You want me to wash my clothes
at your house? Yeah. Why not?
The machines are just sitting there,
and I've got a strudel in the freezer.
I could ask Chris
and some other people too.
Uh, no, thanks.
No? Why not?
I like the magazines
at the Laundromat.
Oh, come on, Marilyn.
Those are year-old Field & Streams.
It smells good in there too. No, it
doesn't. It smells like bleach and detergent.
Um, it's convenient.
It's close to the office.
Oh. Well, all right.
See you later.
Bye.
Bull's-eye!
You should've heard yourself.
"Aside from being a shaman, I don't
think there's much you could see in me. "
Who are you?
Who am I?
That's good, Ed.
That's really good.
Is there some kind of carnival?
Ed, come on. Look at me.
I'm green. I'm short.
I have a great sense of humor.
Any clues there, huh?
You're a Green Man.
No, I'm a divot from the 16th tee
at Pebble Beach.
You're some kind of evil spirit,
aren't you? Ed, Ed, Ed, Ed, Ed, Ed.
I'm your pal, your buddy,
your chum.
And I gotta say, you know, I
like that jacket. I gotta go.
Wait, wait, wait, wait. Hey, hey,
hey. Hey, Ed. Ed, realize something.
We're in this together
for the long haul, you and me.
Two clams in the sea,
two bugs in a rug.
Ed, you got to slow down.
Have a little consideration for my size.
What do you want?
What do I want?
To tell you the truth,
I've always wanted to live by the sea.
Nothing fancy, a little modest three,
four bedroom place, cedar deck out back.
I'm going home. Wait.
Ed. Ed, hold on. Hold on.
Ed. Ed, hold on. All right, all right.
True confessions. True confessions.
What I really want is to completely
incapacitate you with self-doubt,
so that eventually, you won't have enough
inner strength to get yourself out of a chair.
You with me, Ed?
No. I don't understand you.
Self-doubt.
I want to fill your life with fear, anxiety,
misgivings- the whole nine-course dinner.
Speaking of which,
how about fish sticks tonight?
Why are you picking on me?
Oh, you think I asked for this?
You think I wouldn't rather
be tracking caribou?
Remember, you called me.
No, I don't think so.
Oh, Ed. You know I hate it
when we argue.
Oh, geez, I just remembered.
I got to go to the airport and
pick up my cousin. He's a troll.
He lives right outside of Leipzig.
I haven't seen him since the wall came down.
Well, hey, I'll catch up with you.
Keep dinner warm for me, all right?
Take it easy, pal.
Excuse me, Phil.
Oh, hey, man.
Might I have a word?
A word?
I'll buy you a root beer.
Your fiancée, Lisa,
came by to see me today.
And? She said you dropped
out of birthing class.
Yeah. Why did they lay that on us
in the first place, huh?
You're lucky, man. Your lady
gave you the boot. Yeah, well,
I don't feel lucky.
Get out.
The way you were goofing on everything. That, uh, pelvic floor, man
- that went off.
I have to tell you, Phil,
I'm not proud of my behavior.
I keep asking myself why.
What was it that compelled me
to be so foul and malicious?
I believe I know the answer.
Let me ask you, Phil.
Do you love Lisa?
I guess.
Yeah, I think you do.
Just like I love Shelly.
And we hate to see them
suffering pain.
We don't want to see them go through the
agonies of childbirth. It's getting late, man.
Phil. Phil, there's something else.
Something far less noble.
Uh-oh.
Our fears about ourselves.
Our fears that in the midst of
this awesome event, we might fail.
We might lose our nerve,
and our women would find out
that we're not the men we pretend to be.
I can't admit that to Shelly.
I can hardly admit it to myself.
So what do I do? I act the fool.
I play the class clown,
make lewd remarks.
Some other man might simply
run away from those fears.
He might abandon
the woman he loves.
The thing we have to remember-
In spite of our fears, we're their mates.
We made a pact with our loins.
We have to stand by our women, Phil.
Ed?
Leonard.
Oh, Leonard.
What did you do
to Bonnie Norell?
Bonnie? Ever since she went out with
you, she's been listless, uncommunicative.
Suddenly she becomes nauseated
at the smell of scrub pine.
Oh.
She was doing so well.
What happened?
All I did is tell her she couldn't
possibly have any feelings for me.
Well, that she just liked me
on account of I was a shaman in training.
Wait.
You mean, Bonnie told you she
had feelings for you? Uh-huh.
And you told her that was impossible?
Right.
Oh.
Maybe it's my fault.
Maybe I pushed you into this too soon.
Are you expecting company?
A Green Man.
A Green Man?
He said he was going to join me
for dinner and the rest of my life.
Oh. Now it all makes sense.
It does?
Ed, have you ever heard
of low self-esteem?
That's what the Green Man is.
I know they've entered our mythology
as something akin to gremlins,
but they're really a manifestation
of poor self-image-
Uh, a sense of, uh, inadequacy.
I'm not sure I follow you, Leonard.
You have a terrible self-image.
That's why you said those absurd,
stupid things to Bonnie.
They have no relation
to objective reality.
You're an eminently lovable person, Ed.
The truth is,
you created this Green Man.
He's the embodiment of
your own self-loathing.
I'll tell you something.
Ed, this is your demon.
My demon?
Everyone who's chosen to be a shaman has a
demon to fight, and yours is the worst of all.
Low self-esteem is the root cause of
practically all the pain and misery in the world.
It's what drives war
and torture and genocide.
It's what evil is.
Do you think Hitler liked himself?
Or Cortés?
We hate others
because we hate ourselves.
You can't be a healer, Ed,
as long as the Green Man owns you.
How do I get rid of him, Leonard?
I'm afraid you can't,
not entirely.
But you can keep him at bay.
And there's only one way to do that.
It's actually put very well
in the Christian Gospel.
John 1: " Love casts out fear. "
You have to learn to love yourself.
Good night, Ed.
You're probably gonna have to take it back
and get me a refund, right?
Uh-uh.
Uh-uh?
No, just gotta replace
your drive belt.
That's it?
Yeah.
And the motor was running, right?
It just wasn't agitating? Yeah.
Well, your drive belt broke.
It's simple. It'll take me 10 minutes.
No way. Mm-mmm.
Look, my father was in the car business
for 35 years, and I know lemons.
Hey, I haven't even had this a week,
and the drive belt breaks?
It's just the beginning. It's gonna be in
and out of the shop the entire time I own it.
No, sir.
I think it should be taken back.
Taken back?
I either want a new machine, or it should be thoroughly
inspected and signed off by a factory service rep.
You want me to send this
all the way back to the factory?
Well, that's what I said, isn't it?
That could take four or five months.
Well, I'll just have to make do,
won't I?
Okay, as the birthing partners
continue their massage,
I want the mothers to practice
their relaxation exercises...
for the first stage of contractions.
Remember to breathe
in a steady and an even rhythm.
Just concentrate on
letting the tummy relax.
Think about it floating outward,
away from your body, as you breathe in.
With each exhale,
you just relax a little more.
Just try and let your whole body
just sag and relax.
Thank you, Ruth-Anne. I'll
take over now. Holling.
I promise I won't let you down,
Shel. You said that before.
I don't blame you for feeling the way
you do, but it's different now.
Please, Shel.
Okay.
Whew. Thank God. Good-bye,
everybody, and good luck.
Bye, Ruth-Anne.
Bye-bye.
Okay, back to our breathing exercises.
Coaches, continue the massage.
Mothers, just ease that tension
out of your shoulders.
Just let it go right out
of your hands.
Let go of any tension in your chest.
Just stay limp, loose.
Let your P. C. muscle relax completely.
Let your vaginal barrel be open.
Just let go, and sink into the floor.
Breathe at a nice, normal pace.
Just think of the uterus
as a big bag of muscles...
that's opening the door for your baby.
So I guess you heard
Mindy's back with Jack.
Uh-uh.
Oh, yeah.
Rodney said he had to go to Allakaket to
tag musk ox for a government migratory study.
Well, afterwards, Mindy found this little
receipt to the Seaview Motel in Sitka.
- Ends up he had a girlfriend down there.
- Hmm.
Oh, yeah. And he said,
"Well, I would've told you,
but I didn't think you were
open-minded enough to accept it. "
She said, " Damn right," and knocked out
his two front teeth with a cellular phone.
Oh, no.
Maurice.
Maurice, look at this!
Your machine shreds clothes, Maurice.
My slip is like a hula skirt.
There's nothing wrong with that
machine. Just punch " delicate. "
No, it is the machine, Maurice.
I did hit delicate.
Sweetheart, if you don't like it,
you might want to get yourself
a number 10 washtub and scrub board.
Maggie?
Yeah?
It's good to have you back.
Thanks.
Where do you think you're going?
Those for me?
I don't want to talk to you.
Uh-oh.
This about last night?
I'm sorry I stood you up.
Look, some old college friends came by.
We made sangria. I lost track of time.
Look Ed, I'm only here for one reason
- To stop you from making a terrible mistake.
What do you mean?
What could she possibly
ever see in you?
She comes from a good family.
She's going to college. She's cultured.
Ed, Ed, Ed, Ed, Ed. You're nothing
but a poor, uneducated orphan.
You're totally beneath her.
And even if by some chance
you did get together, it's doomed.
Sooner or later
she'd grow to hate you.
Didn't you ever see the movie
Blue Angel?
Marlene Dietrich?
Remember? EmilJannings plays this
pathetic weakling who marries her.
Naturally, she grows to despise him.
And how does that end?
He kills himself.
Uh-huh.
Ed, I'm sorry.
Somebody has to tell you the truth.
I just don't want you to get hurt.
You understand.
No. I'm not going to listen to you.
What? What? What?
Ed, wait. Wait.
Ed, wait, don't do it.
Believe me,
you'll only be humiliated.
Ed. Oh, God, Ed, wait.
Please. Ed. Ed.
Ed, please. What's gonna happen
to me? What happens to me, Ed?
Ed!
Hi. These are for you.
Thanks.
Bonnie?
Yeah?
There's something
I'd like to explain to you.
Okay.
Come on in.