Northern Exposure (1990–1995): Season 4, Episode 17 - Love's Labour Mislaid - full transcript

Hey, O'Connell.
Morning, Fleischman.

How was your trip?
Oh, it was great.

I had a milk run to Anchorage
and then a charter to Skagway.

Yeah, it was all
really nice.

So...

What?

Nothing.

I just want to make sure
everything's okay.

Yeah, everything's peachy.

I mean, it's just been
that in my experience...

that no matter what
a woman might say...



there's always been some
lingering emotional attachment.

But we're clear, right?

It was a one-time,
serendipitous sexual encounter...

and it didn't
change anything.

What does sex
have to do with anything?

What do you mean, what
does sex have to do with it?

What do you think
I'm talking about?

I don't know, Fleischman.
What are you talking about?

Well, sex. Definitely, sex.
You know, between you and me.

Wait, you think we had sex?

I know we had sex.

Fleischman.

Look, you know, it's perfectly
all right to feel awkward.

I understand. I just...



Look, I'll still be your
personal physician, and I just...

I don't want us to feel like
we have to avoid each other.

You know, cross the street
when the other one's coming.

I think, let's be
adults about this. Sure.

Look...

the important thing is that the
status quo doesn't change, okay?

No entangling alliances,
no hard feelings.

You go your way,
and I'll go mine.

Yeah, okay.
Okay.

You wanted to see me,
Uncle Anku?

Have a seat, Ed.

Thank you.

Mrs. Anku get you
something to eat?

Oh, yes, pancakes.
They were delicious.

Good, you can't beat
Aunt Jemima.

How are you, Ed?

I'm fine, Uncle.

You don't look well.

I don't?

You need a woman.

I do?

Well, you know,
I had a girlfriend once.

I don't mean
a girlfriend, Ed.

I mean a wife.

A wife.

Sands of time
are running, Ed.

I was 17 when my parents
introduced me to Mrs. Anku.

Yeah.

Well, I'm just not seeing
anyone right now, Uncle.

Mrs. Anku has a cousin.

Uh-huh.

Her number two daughter
just came of age.

You'll like her.
I like her.

Well, you know, Uncle,
I always thought that...

well...

I would pick my own wife.

You know, there would be
this magical moment...

and she would know,
and I would know...

and that would be it.

A willing heart
and an open mind...

are all that's required
for a productive union.

I don't know, Uncle. Isn't it
sort of, well, an awful big step?

It is, and it isn't.

Trust me on this.

Hi.
Morning, Joel.

You looking for your
Jack Nicklaus video?

Yeah. Was O'Connell
just in here?

Yeah. Did she say anything about me?

Not that I recall.

I'd love to know who
she thinks she's fooling.

I mean, everybody heard it.
Everybody knows.

Knows what?
That we did it, the deed.

I mean, that we've had knowledge
of each other in the biblical sense.

Oh, that. Listen to this. I'm out there.

I'm talking to her, she goes
into paroxysms of laughter...

as if the entire experience were,
like, a figment of my imagination.

She's probably trying to put
the whole thing behind her.

I beg your pardon?

That's what I'd do if I had knowledge
of you in the biblical sense.

Well, thank you, and why?

Well, Joel, to you, this escapade
may have been a flight of fancy...

but Maggie has to live
with the consequences.

With the stares,
the whispers.

In a moment
of blind passion...

she did something that she
undoubtedly deeply regrets.

I gotta tell you...

I find what you're saying
incredibly insensitive and offensive.

Oh, thanks.
Can I have my video, please?

It hasn't come in yet.

Hello, Walt.
What'll you have?

Whiskey.

Rough winter?

Got a few skins.
Area's played out.

It goes in cycles.

Nothing but me and the wind,
all day long.

Me, and the wind,
and the snow...

and the Sitka spruce,
and the hoary marmots...

and the little
gray chickadees.

You mean brown-capped
chickadees. I mean gray.

Now, Walt, the chestnut-backed
has a dark brown head...

which under certain conditions
may appear-

Nothing wrong
with my eyes, Vincoeur.

All right, all right.

Did it have a patch of white
on the cheek?

Big patch.

What about the song?

Did it go,
"chick-a-dee-dee-dee...

"chick-a-dee-dee-dee,"
like that?

No, no, no,
it's not like that.

It's more like,
"dee-dee, dee-dee. "

"Dee-dee. Dee-dee. "
That's it.

If I brought you a map, could
you show me where they are?

I'd be some trapper
if I couldn't.

Here.
Drinks are on the house.

Hey, it was a great
cheeseburger, Dave. Thanks.

Ed, don't forget this
Sunday, man, all right?

Okay, Chris, why?

Ice fishing, Lake McWain.

Oh, right.

Well, I can't
this Sunday, Chris.

Turkey club on gluten.
Thanks.

What do you mean,
you can't? Why not?

I'm getting married
this Sunday.

Far out, Ed.

Really?
You're getting married?

That's so cool.

Thanks. Well, you guys
are both invited.

Hey, Holling, did you hear?
Ed's getting married on Sunday.

Well, congratulations, Ed.
That's great.

You sly dog.
Who's the lucky fox?

Well, her name's
Debbie something.

Debbie Something.
Is that Indian?

Oh, no, her last name's
not "Something," Shelly.

Well, it is something, but
it's not that "Something. "

Oh.

What's she like?

Well, I'm not sure.
I haven't met her yet.

You haven't met
Debbie Something yet?

Well, no. But I'm sure
she's very nice.

Oh, yeah.

Well...
I'll see you there.

Okay.
Yeah, we'll see you there.

Thanks, guys.

I know they're
Siberian tits, Ruth-Anne...

but it's rough up there.

Who cares? Let's go.

Would somebody like to tell me what's
so damned exciting about a few birds?

Oh, the Siberian tit is
extremely rare in Alaska, Maurice.

It's Parus cinctus.

It's the Eurasian member
of the chickadee family.

There's a small breeding
population near Kotzebue...

on the mouth
of the Kelly River...

but most people never
have even seen them.

Well, so what?

If you want to see a
Bengal tiger, go to Bengal.

If you want to see a
Siberian tit, go to Siberia.

It's not the same, Maurice.

Don't bother.
Oh, no, don't bother.

Of course,
it's way beyond me...

how a grown man could pee
his pants over a chickadee...

that's common over half
the Russian-speaking world.

Look at yourself, Holling.

You used to go out
and kill things.

Now you're bivouacking with
an old woman and a zoom lens.

Look at Monroe out there
flirting with O'Connell.

Poor sucker.

I'd almost feel sorry for the
guy if he wasn't such a nut.

And the woman is shameless.

The figurative body of our sexual
linkage, it's hardly cold...

she's out there, she's
lining up another victim.

She likes him.

So what? What does that mean? What am I?

Just a meaningless
physical encounter?

Not that I want anything to do with
that woman, thank you very much.

You can put that thought
right out of your head.

Yes, I know. What do I want?
Yes, that's a good question.

You know what I'd like? Maybe a little
respect, maybe a little decorum, huh?

Just a brief
cooling-off period...

to convey at least the impression
of a passage in her life.

She owes me that much.

I mean, not this "pretending
it never happened" business.

I mean, what is this?
This is... It's so childish.

What are we,
in high school here?

She wanted it, she got it. I'm
not going to stand for this.

This is ridiculous.

O'Connell,
we need to talk.

Now, I didn't exactly
think that your world...

would be shattered
by our little tête-à-tête...

but I deserve some acknowledgment.
A tip of the hat, as it were.

You know,
Kilroy was there.

What is your problem,
Fleischman?

My problem is that I expect you to at
least deal slightly with appearances.

I mean, common courtesy,
not to mention self-respect...

would dictate a brief hiatus
between peccadilloes.

What?

Hey, I have a reputation,
too, you know.

If I knew I was dealing
with the town pump...

I would have had
second thoughts...

before I let you rip
the shirt off my back.

Fleischman, you're off
your rocker, you know that?

Hey, I'm not saying that sex
with you was the pivotal moment...

of my earthly existence either,
but at least I acknowledge-

Wait, wait a minute.
Stop right there.

Okay, let's settle this,
Fleischman. We didn't have sex.

What would you call it,
a feeding frenzy?

You're delusional, Fleischman.

Look, drop the act, all right? It
wouldn't play in Grosse Pointe...

it's definitely not
going to play in Cicely.

This is sad.
This is very sad.

O'Connell, we had sex.

You and me, yes,
last Tuesday, in a barn...

46 p. m.

Have you been under some
stress lately, Fleischman?

O'Connell, you want me to
show you the claw marks? Huh?

I got multiple lesions. I got
serious scars. You want to see them?

Fleischman, Fleischman,
this is just too weird.

O'Connell, ask anyone.
Ask Ruth-Anne, ask Chris.

Look, Fleischman...

maybe you fantasized about having sex
with me in your mind for so long...

it became a reality,
I don't know.

I mean, it's flattering in a
twisted, psychotic kind of way...

but it didn't happen.

I don't believe you. You know, I
knew you had trouble with reality...

I just never realized
it was so extreme.

No, wait a minute. I'm not the
one with the reality problem here.

Pretending it didn't happen
is not gonna make it go away.

You can't close your eyes, click
your heels, and make it disappear.

You're not Dorothy, I am not Toto,
and this is definitely not Kansas!

Is this a bad time,
Dr. Fleischman?

Ed, how long
have we known each other?

About two years, come June.

When do you think
it might sink in...

that I do not appreciate being
ambushed by unannounced guests?

You want me to leave.

No, I want to tell you
something, all right?

Let me tell you something
about women. They are the enemy.

Women are the enemy,
never forget it. Okay.

Biologically, emotionally,
their main function in life...

is to make us crazy.

But we have
a function, too.

You see, men were put
on this earth...

to not let women
make us crazy.

And by the way, congratulations
on your engagement.

Oh, thank you.

You know, you people
have the right idea.

There's none of this horsing
around, no prolonged engagements.

It's a straight business deal.
You sign on the dotted line.

Wham, bam, thank you, ma'am.
I like that.

Thank you, Dr. Fleischman.

Although, you know, there's
the element of surprise.

I think that could be trouble.

I definitely need to see a woman
naked before I agree to anything.

You know? I mean, there could be all
sorts of unsightly epidermal flaws...

moles and cysts,
the occasional third nipple.

Third nipple?

Yeah, technically it's called
an accessory nipple.

I mean, they tend to be small
and insignificant, but...

You stop by for a reason?
Oh, yeah.

Dr. Fleischman, I'd like to
ask you to be my chaperon...

when I go to meet my fiancée.

Your chaperon?
Yeah.

It's one of those
custom deals, you know.

Bride, groom, and then they
both have an elder with them.

It's tribal ritual,
formal, correct.

This is what
I'm talking about.

Like, this is what we are missing
in mainstream America, man...

some perspective, some
dignity, some structure...

to make sense
of this mating game.

In New York, it is a copy
of Penthouse and a condom...

you are off to the races.

Does that mean you will?

Yeah, it'd be my pleasure.

Thank you, Dr. Fleischman.

Watch your step, babe.

You got the spotting
scope, Shel? Right here.

Couldn't go anywhere without
my Bushnell Spacemaster.

Say it again, Holling.
What?

Bushnell Spacemaster? I
love it when you talk techy.

It's so hunky.

I guess that's everything.

I threw in a couple of rolls
of high-speed Ektachrome.

Could be we'll take them at first
light, you know, while they're napping.

Like that time you bagged
the Cedar Waxwings, huh?

We'll make a steady sweep to
the river, deploy at the trees...

and then take them in a
double envelopment maneuver.

Those little tits don't stand
a snowball's chance in Haiti.

Whoa, we gotta make tracks before
nightfall, right, Ruth-Anne?

Right.

Bye, Ruth-Anne.
See you, Shel.

Shoot to kill, babe!
And don't stay up too late!

Where are they?

Maybe she's
powdering her nose.

What? Isn't that
what women do?

Yeah, in 1940, maybe.

Oh.

So tell me, the fact that
it's in a bingo parlor...

is that part of the custom?

No, you just have to find
some kind of a neutral turf.

Oh, that must be her.

Safe bet.

Oh, isn't she pretty,
Dr. Fleischman?

Yeah, Ed, she's all right.

Nice hair, too.

Yeah, take a good look,
though.

Girls tend to turn
into their mother...

and we're not talking about
a pretty sight there.

Oh, no, Dr. Fleischman,
that's her aunt.

Ah, good.

Well?

Well, what, Ed?
Well, what now?

You know, I don't know
protocol, it's your party here.

Maybe I should just walk over
and introduce myself.

That's a good idea.

I think formalities
are always awkward...

so just go ahead, you know,
jump right in there.

Right.

Ed?

How do I jump right in there,
Dr. Fleischman?

Just go say something.
You know, an icebreaker.

Talk about sports or something. Right.

I don't know anything
about sports.

Ed, talk about movies, talk
about weather, it doesn't matter.

Come on, just go get
the ball rolling. Let's go.

Right, right.

Hi, I'm Ed.
Hi.

You must be
Debbie Something?

Mmm-hmm.

Is it...
Think it'll snow?

Maybe.

Psst.

It's exciting, huh?

Ed marrying your niece.
Yes.

Yeah.

Kind of came right out
of the blue, though, huh?

Well, I guess that's the way it
is with these arranged situations.

One minute you're strangers, the next minute
you're sharing each other's toothbrush.

I mean, after they're
married, of course.

Well, they seem to be getting
along okay, for strangers.

I know I've seen you.
Have I treated you?

I did, didn't I?
What was it?

Cellulitis?
No, sebaceous cyst, right?

Plantar's wart.
That's right. I remember.

Well...

it was in
the ballpark, anyway.

It's funny, you know.

A lot of people think it's
"planter's wart," with an "E"...

like you get it
in the field or something...

but it's actually "plantar,"
with an "A."

It's from the Latin Planta,
meaning the sole of your foot.

We can go now, Dr. Fleischman. Yeah?

Yeah.
Well, nice to meet you.

How'd it go? Great.
We're going out tonight.

Yeah?

I thought I might
get her something.

You know, maybe some
jewelry or something.

Yeah, I think jewelry
would be appropriate.

Bye.

Bye.

Nothing wrong
with jewelry, Ed.

Okay. Could you hand me
another tomato?

Sure.

Could you pass
the scallions?

Scallions.
Yeah.

And the garlic press.
Garlic press?

Yeah, it's right there.
What?

You're going to press garlic? Yeah.

Raw garlic?
Without boiling it first?

It's for the beans. Haricots
verts à la provençale.

Why don't you pick out a nice
bottle of sparkling water?

What's going on?
What?

Well, scallions and raw
garlic. What, what...

Oh, you mean, where's the puréed
carrots and mashed zucchini?

Exactly.

It's bland, boring.

But I thought
that's all you could handle.

Maybe.

Wait a minute, are you
not telling me something?

I mean, has your immune system
drastically improved or something?

I just happen to be
in the mood...

for haricots verts
à la provençale.

You know, sometimes, Maggie,
you just have to go for it.

You know, grab for the gusto.

Take a plunge and to hell
with the consequences.

Close your eyes.

I want you to try something. Okay.

Just a little appetizer
I whipped up.

Open wide.

Mmm. It's very good.
What is it?

Homemade tapénade.

Greek olives, capers, extra-virgin
olive oil, minced garlic...

and the secret ingredient,
a dash of lemon juice.

What?

Did something go down wrong?

Maggie, you okay?
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I just thought you...
That was... No, I'm fine.

Could I have some more of that? Sure.

I'm glad you like it.

It's true, isn't it?

The door's just a formality,
don't bother knocking.

What's true?
You, me, it.

Are you honestly
trying to tell me...

that you don't remember
whether or not we had sex?

No!

No.

And it must be like in eighth
grade when I broke my leg skiing.

The whole thing was so
horrendous and so horrible...

that my mind just blacked
the whole thing out.

Oh, I'm flattered
and touched.

I remember the cast, right?

I just couldn't remember
how it got there.

Look, you don't get traumatic
memory loss from having sex.

Besides, I spoke to you the next
day, you were perfectly lucid.

Wow.

On that trip to Anchorage, it must
have just floated away like a dream.

Like a hideous, loathsome,
horrendous dream.

Why...

Well, thanks for brightening my
evening. Now, if you don't mind.

God, I'm ruined.

It's over, my life here,
my life here is just ruined.

I can never hold my head
high again, Fleischman.

I'm like a laughingstock,
a joke!

All right.
Look, O'Connell...

What did we do, Fleischman? What did
we do? Don't spare me, just tell me.

What do you mean, what did
we do? We had sex, okay?

We made love,
call it what you will.

Once?

Oh, man, this is crazy.

More than once?

I stopped counting
when my fingers went numb.

Oh, God!

My guess is it was some sort of
land-speed endurance record...

for a man my age.

You saw me naked.

Well, it was kind of unavoidable
under the circumstances...

although we did find
a horse blanket somewhere.

What else?

What else?
What else?

What else did we do?
What else?

Oh, we made a general
announcement. What?

At The Brick, we told everyone. No!

Yeah. You didn't want people
talking behind your back.

Oh, God. Oh, God.
Yep.

That pretty much covers it.

So, Mike...

I guess you're wondering
what I'm doing here, huh?

You did leave
rather abruptly at dinner.

Yeah, I know. I did.

Feeling better?
Yes, much, thank you.

Are you hungry?

I've got a whole refrigerator
full of the haricots verts.

Oh, God. All that food.

Oh, it's no biggie.

Well, we need to talk, Mike.
Actually, I guess I need to talk.

Okay.

Do you remember those winds we had
a couple of days ago? The Cohos?

And you were stuck
in your bubble...

and you asked me if anything happened
and I said, "Well, no, not really. "

Yeah.

Well, actually, a few things did happen
and they just kind of slipped my mind.

Slipped your mind?

Well, actually, I forgot,
temporarily, it...

Like, what kind of things
did you forget? Well...

Maurice almost fell off
the roof of The Brick.

Al Simmons' barn blew over.

I had sex with Fleischman, and a whole
herd of sheep went through Cicely.

What did you just say?

A whole herd of sheep
went through Cicely.

You had sex
with Dr. Fleischman?

Yeah.

Oh, God. Oh, boy.

Look, I don't know,
it just happened.

I don't know how it happened,
but it did.

Wow.

Yeah.

You had sex with Joel.

I've got to go.

Maggie...

Look, look, I did this
terrible, regrettable thing...

and as bad as I feel
about having done it...

it's even worse telling you
about it, you know what I mean?

So I'm just gonna go.

Bye.

Oh...

Ed...

you're early.

I'll come back.

No, no, no.

Ed, this is
my boyfriend, Craig.

Craig, this is Ed,
my fiancé.

Hey.

Nice to meet you.

Yeah, you're getting
a great girl, Ed.

Hope you know that.
I do.

Kind of.

So, I guess
we should talk, huh?

Good idea.

Yeah, well,
I'd say let's go inside...

but my folks will be home
any minute.

We could go to my place.

Your place?

You want to take
a ride in my truck?

Okay.

Might be kind of tight.
Well, that's okay.

I almost forgot,
I brought these for you.

Oh, thanks.

Careful you don't
bust a gut.

Ralph Caldwell
stroked out last summer...

blowing up a backyard pool
for his grandkids.

I can believe it.

I never thought I'd be using
one of these damn things...

but since my sciatica
started acting up...

You want some Advil?
You got any?

Mmm-hmm.

I always carry it around
for my bursitis.

I've got some Bengay
for when we get achy.

Oh, you do?
Inside pocket there.

I'll use it
before I go to bed.

Well, that's going to
have to do it.

You got any more
of those sandwiches?

Mmm-hmm.

It's yours. Yeah, well,
you care for a nightcap?

Well, I don't mind if I do.

Yeah, we'll break camp
at first light...

head for the river.
Fine.

You know,
it's a funny thing.

I wouldn't be caught dead eating
a sardine sandwich at home...

but out here, there is
nothing I like better.

I know what you mean.

I don't know why, but bourbon always
tastes so much better out of a tin cup.

This is a pleasure
I haven't had for a while.

Shelly frowns
on the practice at home.

Says that the smell
hangs in the drapes.

Upmann?
Macanudo.

Oh, smooth.

You care to join me?
I believe I would.

Well, all right.

Oh, don't bother.

Well, what do you say?

5:30 wake-up call...

or should we just let nature
take its course?

Nature.

Well, lookie there.

The Northern Cross.

Bright as day.

Well, here we are.
Wow. It's beautiful.

Hey, far out.

Yeah, Leo lets me store some
of my camera equipment here.

Oh, yeah?

Hey, '67 Pontiac,
overhead cam six.

Whoops.

Craig.
Sorry, Deb.

I guess you two have been
together for a while, then.

Yeah.

Since about freshman year
of high school.

I hated him at first.
He was so conceited.

He was captain of the
dog sled club. Big deal.

But then you got to see
the other side?

Yeah, he was going out
with my sister...

and when she dumped him...

I don't know, I kind of
felt sorry for him, you know?

Been together ever since.
That's right.

Well, why are you marrying me?

Oh, I'm not Indian.

Oh.

Besides, my dad says
he has no prospects.

Oh. Well, is that true, Craig?

I'm thinking about
joining the Air Force.

You know, Mr. Anku's been a
really good friend to my family...

and when he told me
he had someone for me...

how could I say no?

Well, you two guys, you
could just elope or something.

Craig doesn't have a car.

Oh.

After I heard about you,
I was gonna split, you know?

Live in Tacoma
with my brother.

But then Debbie said stick around,
just in case things don't work out.

Probably good advice.

Anything else?

How about a big gun
with a bullet in it?

Well, Holling keeps all his big guns
locked up. Would a. 22 be all right?

Just make it a shot of strychnine
or a serrated steak knife.

Strychnine, is that
one of those imported vodkas?

How could I, Shelly?

How could you what?

Have sex with Fleischman.

If it makes you feel
any better...

I thought you two got down
a long time ago.

Fleischman represents
everything I despise in a man.

I mean, he's actually the antithesis
to everything I hold sacred.

He's rude, and arrogant,
and sexist...

and narrow-minded,
and anal-retentive.

Kind of cute, though.
You gotta admit.

What's wrong with me?

Buyer's remorse.
What?

You got it, and then you
found out you didn't want it.

In some deep, dark, perverted
chamber of my soul, could it be...

could it be I'm actually
attracted to him?

No, no, that's just
too horrendous.

It's too grotesque,
it's just so...

Ugh!

Sounds like he pushes
your buttons, though.

Well, maybe that's it.

Maybe he represents
my dark side.

All those repressed impulses, the
untamed, savage, forbidden fruit.

Sounds juicy.
Then what about Mike?

Mike Monroe?

Well, yeah,
unlike Fleischman...

Mike is sensitive, and brave,
and warm, and safe.

Why did I say "safe"?

Wait a minute, what do I mean by"
safe"? Why? Why would I say "safe"?

Wait a minute,
if I'm attracted to Mike...

why would I have sex
with Fleischman?

It's like Tammy
used to tell me...

she'd say, "Shel, the bod
has a mind of its own. "

And she was right.

Once, when I was
in high school...

this biker guy really
had the hots for me.

He was absolutely my type...

big scar, ate light bulbs...

but he didn't do anything
for me sexually, you know.

Zippo.

Know who I fell for instead?
Who?

The president
of the 4-H Club.

When it came to booty,
we just clicked.

We used to do it everywhere.

In the band room, under the
stage, in empty school buses.

My reputation took a major
nosedive, but I couldn't help it.

What happened?

Wayne beat him up.
I think he went to college.

Interesting.

Well, if you want another
beer or something, let me know.

Stocking up
for the little woman?

Oh. Hello, Dr. Fleischman.

Hi, Ed.

So I see you moved the bed.

Yeah, I thought Debbie would
be more comfortable there.

Then she won't get the direct
sunlight coming in from the window.

That's thoughtful. New drapes? Yep.

Ruth-Anne had the material left over
from this love seat Marilyn was fixing.

It's nice.
It's looking homey.

The his-and-hers dressers.

Yeah, well, you've done
a lot of work here, Ed.

I wanted Debbie
to be happy here.

Now I just don't know.

Yeah? You getting cold feet?

No, nothing like that.

She's got a boyfriend.
What?

Yep, Craig.
Craig?

They're pretty into each other
right now.

If she has a boyfriend, then I don't
understand, why is she marrying you?

Exactly what I said.

And what did she say?

Well, he's not Indian
and his prospects are dim.

I see.

What do you think
I should do?

I don't know, you know.

I don't know. For me...

I'm beginning to rethink this whole
man-woman thing anyway, you know.

I mean, maybe
it's outlived its usefulness.

It's not like we need to be concerned
about propagating the species anymore.

Maybe it's time
to take a break.

Back off a bit. Re-assess.

So what do you mean?

Look, how do you feel
about her?

Is this someone that you think
you can spend your life with?

How can I know, Dr.
Fleischman, unless I've tried?

That's a good point.

People don't want to make a commitment
until they're sure about someone...

but how can you be sure about someone
until you've made a commitment?

I don't know.

You know,
it's just all a crapshoot.

Move real slow, Ruth-Anne,
right this way.

You hear it?
Uh-uh.

It's up there.

"De-deer, de-deer. "

Now I've got it.
Me, too.

Ruth-Anne,
lock and load.

Camera on, motor drive on.

I'll go along the riverbank
and try to get the first shot.

You hang to the tree line,
and stay to the cover.

Let's nail ourselves some tit.

Ruth-Anne.

Twenty feet to the southwest.

Did you get him, Ruth-Anne?
Did you bag him?

Dead center.
He didn't have a chance.

All right.

I think this calls
for a little brandy.

I think so.
Yeah.

In a tin cup. Right, and
maybe a victory cigar.

Why not?

Come in, Ed.

You know John Hope
and Louis Killdeer.

Hi.
Hello, Ed.

Is this a council meeting?

We were just finishing.

What's on your mind, Ed?

Well...

Uncle...

I can't marry Debbie.

Because of Craig.

You know about Craig?

I believe
Mrs. Anku mentioned it.

He's not Indian.

Well, I know, but I was thinking
that maybe that didn't matter so much.

What?

Well, what I mean,
really, is...

well, there's really not anything
we can do about it anyway, is there?

I mean, it's kind of
like that movie Arthur...

where Dudley Moore is supposed
to marry Jill Eikenberry...

but falls in love
with Liza Minnelli instead.

That was different.
Eikenberry was stuck-up.

Perhaps South Pacific
is closer to the situation.

John Kerr falls in love with France
Nuyen, but knows his family won't approve.

You've Got To Be Taught,
good song.

Look what happens to Kerr.

He gets killed.

Well, yeah,
but in the main storyline...

Rossano Brazzi lives...

and Mitzi Gaynor realizes
that it was wrong of her...

to hold his first marriage
against him.

True.

Uncle, I know you're only trying
to do what's best for me...

and I also know...

that you don't think much
of romance...

but...

it seems to me that Debbie and
Craig really love each other...

and if that's true...

well, I think it would
be wrong to break them up.

So, I'd like to ask you to call
off the wedding, if you can...

and if you can't,
well, I'll understand.

It was only a suggestion, Ed.

Oh.

Hello? Joel?
In here.

Hi. You wanted to see me?

No.
No? Maggie said that-

Look, look, let me give you
a little advice, all right?

Don't believe a word
the woman says, I mean ever.

Hi, guys.

What's the idea?
What's going on?

Well, I just felt
that we needed to chat, talk.

You know, the three of us.

What?

You want us to chat?

Yeah, you know, Fleischman,
first of all, look...

I may have been a bit
insensitive the other day...

and if so, I apologize.

I mean, I was just confused,
you know?

I didn't know
what was going on.

The fact is...

I just really couldn't reconcile
my conflicted feelings about you.

I mean, on one hand, there's this
basic annoyance, this repulsion...

and yet, on the other hand, there is
this undeniable, chemical, primal...

carnal attraction that pulled
me into having sex with you.

Great sex,
incredible sex.

In fact, I can't say
that it wouldn't happen again.

I mean, it could happen right now,
right here, on this very table.

We could repeat
the whole experience.

I mean, we could have sex
every day of the week.

It would be just as good
as it was the other day.

But so what? I mean, what
does that mean, hmm? Nothing.

It's our glands talking,
not our head, not our hearts.

It's just animal behavior,
you know, coupling.

Coupling?
Yeah.

And as for Mike...

I know that you think my attraction to
him is based on his inaccessibility...

you know,
the Elephant man syndrome...

but I've been giving that
some thought...

and I've decided
that you're wrong.

You know, you're wrong.

I mean, Mike, you are a wonderful,
brave, courageous person...

and I'm very, very much
attracted to you.

You're sensitive,
and you're a lot of fun...

and in many ways,
you're my ideal companion.

And the fact that I had sex
with Fleischman instead of you...

is really just
a freak of nature.

You know, the luck of the
draw. Cosmically, I mean.

And it in no way reflects...

my libidinous impulses
towards you...

which, by the way,
are overwhelming...

and I'm sure our sex would have
been just as earth-shattering...

as sex with Fleischman.
Even better.

But, you know, we'll never
know, anyway. Why not?

Well, because
we can't have sex.

Why not?
Because you'd die.

Oh, come on. I mean, you both
know my track record with men.

Come on, Maggie, I'm-

No, look, I'm not
going to allow you...

to tempt me to just toss my
panties into the breeze...

no matter how much
we both want this.

So wait a minute, let me
just get this straight here.

I'm expendable, but he's not.
Right. Well...

You're saying it's okay to have sex with
me, because it's no big deal if I croak...

but you don't want
to fool around with Mike...

because you're afraid
that he'll kick the bucket?

Well...
This is unbelievable.

Now, look, Fleischman,
I don't want you to die.

But it's just, with us, who had time
to think? It all happened so fast.

You know what I mean.

Well...

listen, doesn't it feel good
to get it all out into the open?

I feel much better,
even if it's a little painful.

It's painful for all three of
us, actually, but it's growth.

It's healthy,
it's a good pain...

and I feel much better
and thanks for talking.

I'll see you later, bye.

How's that?

Perfect.

Beautiful.

Number 297 on my life list.

Number 445 on mine.

Really?

You have to remember, Holling, that
I was in England during the war.

And the varieties of warblers
there would fill half a page.

May I?
Mmm-hmm.

May I look at yours?
Go right ahead.

Where did you find
a bristle-thighed curlew?

A nature club outing on the
Homer Spit. October of '81.

What do these
asterisks mean?

Oh, those are
the birds I killed...

Oh.
... before I stopped hunting.

Oh, lookie there. A red-necked
phalarope. That is nice.

That was October of '84.

At Glacier Bay.
Yeah.

How two otherwise intelligent
people can expend so much energy...

on a fundamentally meaningless
activity is beyond me.

Maybe it's
an old people thing, huh?

I wouldn't know.

Well...

that about does it.

All right. Everything's
back the way it was.

I wonder if I should
keep the curtains.

Yeah, sure.
I mean, why not?

Well, it might
remind me of Debbie.

I didn't realize
she meant that much to you.

You know, I think it's really
just more of the idea of her.

Right.

This is for you,
Dr. Fleischman.

For me?
Yeah.

I got it for Debbie...

but there's not much point
in giving it to her now.

Oh, Ed, I mean,
you can return it, you know.

Oh, no, I know.

But I want you to have it.

Well, are you sure?
Oh, yeah, I'm positive.

All right.

Let's see.

It's a friendship bracelet.

Well, that's very nice.
Yeah, pretty, huh?

Yeah.

Thanks, Ed. You're
welcome, Dr. Fleischman.

Friendship bracelet, huh?
Yep.

All right.

It's nice.

Would you like a cup of tea?

Yeah, that'd be great.

Maybe we can
watch a movie later.

Yeah, that's a good idea.
Let's do that.

Can I take a look?

Yeah, good movies are always better
when you watch them with someone.

Taxi Driver,
what about that?

I don't know,
kind of depressing.

Hey, how about The Sting?

Newman and Redford,
together again.