Northern Exposure (1990–1995): Season 4, Episode 16 - Ill Wind - full transcript
Strange winds from the east blow in some strange behavior. Maggie attacks Joel. Chris saves Maurice's life. Maurice figures out he can't live with it.
"There was a desert wind
blowing that night.
"It was one of those hot, dry
Santa Anas that come down...
"through the mountains passes
and curl your hair...
"and make your nerves jump
and your skin itch.
"On nights like that, every
booze party ends in a fight.
"Meek little wives feel the
edge of the carving knife...
"and study
their husbands' necks.
"Anything can happen. "
Whoa.
Raymond Chandler.
Yes.
Yes!
Siberia from Irkutsk.
What's wrong
with Kamchatka?
Not again.
No, excuse me, Kamchatka has far
more strategic value than Siberia.
Fleischman,
just roll the dice.
O'Connell, it's the gateway
to North America.
Play.
Roll the dice.
It's just Risk, Joel.
Yes, thank you.
I'll take Ural
from Siberia.
All right, I quit.
What do you mean you quit?
Just what I said, I quit.
What? Just because
you're losing, you quit?
No, it's got nothing to do with
winning or losing. O'Connell, come on.
This is
a personal vendetta to you.
Give me a break.
You give me a break.
You're not even looking
at the big picture here.
Look, Marilyn, is sitting
with two armies in Indonesia...
and Ruth-Anne is over here, completely
vulnerable in East Africa. Come on.
Fleischman,
I can attack anyone I want.
Look, I came to play
an intelligent game.
Not to be victimized by some
power freak with penis envy.
Oh, you know I ought to
just punch you in the nose.
You and which army?
You think I'm bluffing?
Go ahead, O'Connell,
right there.
God.
Ow.
Is he all right?
They say it's an ill wind
that bloweth no man to good.
I think our own Dr. Joel
Fleischman would testify to that.
For those of you
who missed it...
Maggie O'Connell scored
a one-round decision...
over Dr. Fleischman
last night.
Right jab
to the old honker. Pow.
TKO.
What better sign that the Coho
winds are once again upon us?
Yes, neighbors,
for the next few days...
we'll be visited by those
crazy winds from the East.
My advice this year, don't
fight them, embrace them.
Know your enemy.
Morning, Joel.
How's the nose?
How's it look? It's broken.
It's completely
pushed to the left.
I had to set it myself. Do you
have any idea how painful that is?
I thought Marilyn
helped you.
Yeah, right,
she couldn't stop grinning.
By the way, do you know
where she is, by any chance?
Marilyn?
Yeah.
She's not in the office?
If she were in the office,
would I ask?
Pardon me
for saying so, Joel.
But I can see why Maggie
punched you out.
Look, I'm sorry, Ruth-Anne.
I'm in pain here, okay.
My face feels like one big bruise
and my sinuses are imploding.
On top of it, I look
like an idiot, all right?
What can I get you?
I'm out of Advil.
I'll check the back.
Hello, Dr. Fleischman.
Ed.
Whoa.
Broken?
Sorry, I'm out.
Great.
Give me some slack there,
will you, Stevens?
Okay, Maurice.
New transmitter, huh?
FCC finally came through.
Hell, no.
I got tired of waiting for
those boys in Washington...
to get off their butts.
Huh.
You mean we don't have
permission for this?
No, we don't have
permission for it.
KBHR's going outlaw?
Yeah, I guess
you could say that.
All right!
Well, hey, Maurice,
how far will this thing reach?
Well, not factoring
in sun spot activities...
I'd say the range'd be
a radius of about 200 miles.
Whoo!
Yeah.
Of course
you know that...
there's not another town
within 200 miles, Maurice.
No, not yet, Ed. But there
will be. And when there is...
Minnifield Communications
will be ready.
This is gonna
be great, Maurice.
The voice of Cicely spreading
out over the tundra...
communing with caribou,
and migrating puffins.
That ought to do it.
Whoa!
Whoa!
I got you. I got you.
Well, hey, that was close.
You okay?
Oh, wow.
Just take a deep breath
and relax. Catch your breath.
You okay?
Yeah, yeah.
I'm fine. I'm fine.
Man, that's some wind,
huh, Ed?
Oh, yeah.
Come in.
Morning.
Good morning.
I mean, it's 10:00.
I hate to be intrusive,
but what are you doing?
Cleaning.
Yeah, I mean, why aren't you
at the office?
The Cohos.
The what?
What does the wind
have to do with it?
It's bad.
The wind is bad.
Is that what you're saying,
the wind is bad?
Is this an Indian thing
going on or something?
Look, Marilyn, this is
a superstition, okay?
The wind cannot be
good or bad.
It blows hot,
it blows cold...
it has no moral
or ethical component.
What?
You think I got this
because of the wind?
No, I got this because
that nut O'Connell...
has a pathological
hatred of men.
Not because of the wind,
believe me.
Now, please, I need
you back at the office.
I have patients.
Marilyn, you know,
I hate to be technical...
but this is a weekday and your
contract says that you work weekdays.
I don't have a contract.
Well, we have a verbal agreement,
we have an understanding.
When the wind changes.
Marilyn, this could be days.
God!
Nosebleed?
Yeah.
Here.
Okay, Scotch rocks,
and one draft.
Put it on my tab, Shelly.
Sure, Maurice.
Chris, everybody's talking about the
way you saved Maurice's life and all.
It was so totally cool.
Oh, it was no big deal,
Shel, really.
You're a hero.
Ah, don't worry about it,
Maurice...
they'll be talking about something
else tomorrow, believe me.
No, no, no, no.
I'm a man who honors
his debts, Stevens.
Grabbing my tool belt
maybe doesn't compare...
to pulling out of a spin with
a couple of MiGs on your tail...
and leading
a shot-up wing man home...
but you did me a service,
definitely.
Well, it was
my pleasure, Maurice.
Saving a man's life, no matter
how mundane the circumstances...
requires a certain...
Reciprocity?
Yeah, that's it.
Yeah, I could see
how you'd feel that...
I mean, it's an ancient
concept, you know.
Confucius once used
that exact word...
to summarize his
entire philosophy.
Muslims, they cherish
the idea of mutual obligation.
I mean, by their standards,
if somebody saves your life...
you owe that person
till you save his.
Yeah, exactly.
Yeah, but the idea is
hardly universal.
It's not?
Certain Native American
cultures believe...
that saving a man's life,
or good deeds in general...
are a person's
natural function in life...
and they require
no special reward.
And you subscribe
to that notion?
Yeah, basically.
Nah, sounds flaky to me.
I mean, what's the point?
Say, Holling.
Did you ever think of jumping
off the Green River Bridge?
Jumping?
Yeah, you know,
just kind of...
No, I can't say I have.
Oh.
Be quite
a fall, though.
How far do you think that is?
About 1,000 feet.
1,000 feet.
That's a lot of time.
Wind roaring in your ears.
Just ripping at your clothes.
The pull of gravity
dragging you down...
down, down.
Time for one last look.
Something to eat?
Oh. No, thanks, Holling.
Hey, Maurice.
Maggie.
Good thing Chris was there
this morning, huh?
Yeah, dandy.
See you later.
Hey, Fleischman.
Look, I don't wanna
talk to you.
Whoa, that's some bandage.
You know,
you're unbelievable.
You punch a defenseless
person in the nose...
and you have the audacity
to comment on the results.
Does it hurt?
No, it doesn't hurt.
It throbs, it pulsates.
Every breath is a new
frontier of pain, thank you.
You know, Fleischman,
last night when I hit you...
I felt something I haven't
felt in a long time.
You know, I hope this isn't
one of your perverse stabs...
at an apology, O'Connell,
'cause you can forget it.
No, I felt good,
I felt empowered.
I mean, when my fist
hit your face...
I felt like, for at that
brief moment, I knew who I was.
You're sick.
You're in desperate need
of psychiatric help.
Oh, come on, Fleischman.
Everyone knew you had it coming.
Oh, well, to the great
relief of civilized men...
the legal code isn't based on what is
considered normal in Cicely, Alaska.
You know, around here, assault
and battery may be considered...
all part of an evening's
entertainment...
but where I come from it's
an actionable offense, okay?
Welcome back to reality,
Miss O'Connell.
What's this, Fleischman?
Oh, it's a little
legal thingy.
Law offices of
Hoberman and Hoberman?
You're suing me?
You got it.
Unbelievable.
You are such... You know,
Fleischman, this is so typical.
You can't settle something like a man, so
you have to go running off to your lawyers.
Hey, I don't see where testosterone
has anything to do with it.
It's a clear-cut case of
damages, as far as I'm concerned.
You want damages?
Okay, Fleischman.
Let's get this over with,
once and for all. Come on.
Damage this, Fleischman.
Come on?
O'Connell, you're making
a fool of yourself.
Come on, Fleischman. Give
me your best shot, come on!
Hit her, Doc.
Do you mind?
Chance of a lifetime, Fleischman.
This is a one-time offer.
O'Connell, believe me, nothing
would give me more pleasure...
than wiping that smirk off
your perfectly arranged face.
But ultimately,
I'd rather own your plane...
and your truck and your house
and all other attachments.
You see, that's how civilized
people settle things.
In your dreams, Fleischman.
In your dreams!
See you in court.
Chicken! You're a coward!
Do you hear me, Fleischman?
Chris in the Morning...
coming at you on the new,
improved KBHR...
with a special traffic
bulletin for downtown Cicely...
and outlying areas. A herd of sheep
is gently grazing down Main Street...
causing massive tie-ups
in all directions.
They appear to be Romneys, for any
lonely shepherd out there who might be...
wondering whether
his livelihood has fled.
I think the Cohos have played havoc
on the sheeps' sense of direction.
Anyway, these
little lambs are lost...
anybody who has a clue
where they belong...
why don't you
give us a holler?
Meantime, early
morning commuters...
go ahead and leave a couple
of extra minutes early...
and show some consideration
to our wooly friends.
I don't owe you a thing,
Stevens.
There's nobody said that you
had to grab my tool belt.
If I had fallen off there
and smashed my skull...
and my brains were
on the sidewalk...
that's no skin off your nose.
It's my life. Mine. And it's nobody's
business what I do with it except me.
It's not your business,
not Cicely's, nobody's.
Got it?
Okay.
I just didn't want there
to be any misunderstanding.
No after-the-fact
recriminations.
Now, we've had
this discussion.
That book is closed.
Okay.
I just wanted
to get that straight.
It's straight.
Good.
What do you think
about poisons, Dave?
Poison?
Yeah, you know.
Drano, cyanide...
industrial-strength cleaners.
What about them?
Oh, I don't know.
If you ever think about doing
a shot of something like that?
Nope.
Oh.
You know, I read once
about this guy...
got executed in
the gas chamber.
Took him
a full 10 minutes to die.
Hmm. I ate some
bad salmon once.
What was that like?
I puked a lot.
Huh.
Order up!
Hi. Is this a joke?
What?
This.
This gross miscarriage of justice
that you left taped to my cabin door.
No, Fleischman,
it's not a joke.
And you have
a week to get out.
Look, you can't evict me.
Why not?
Because you can't,
that's why.
I'm a legal tenant with
certain inalienable rights...
and one of which is
you can't evict me...
simply because
you feel like it.
Really?
Yeah. Really.
You ought to try
reading the contract...
that you gave me
sometime, O'Connell. Hmm.
Fleischman, normally, I give 30
days, I thought, in your case...
a week was very generous.
Look, I know what's
going on here, all right.
You're not fooling anyone.
I hit you with a lawsuit,
so you hit back...
with an eviction notice.
That's very mature, O'Connell.
But it might interest you to know that
payback is not a generally recognized...
principle of legal
conduct, okay?
So what that means is, there is
absolutely no way in the world...
that you're going
to pull this off.
Watch me.
Does the word injunction
mean anything to you?
Fleischman, this is Alaska.
So what?
What does that mean? What?
Is there
a complete suspension...
of the American jurisprudence
system around here?
No, Fleischman,
what it means...
is that people have been known
to disappear up here...
and their bodies have
never been recovered.
I can't believe you,
you are threatening me?
O'Connell, do you realize the trouble
that you're causing for yourself?
You know, Fleischman, why
don't you just shut your mouth?
You know, for once in
your life, why don't you...
make the world a better place
and shut your mouth?
I'm not going to shut up while I'm
being subjected to this malicious crap.
Well, you know, maybe I'll burn
your house down, Fleischman.
You know,
it runs in the family.
All right, you go ahead
and joke, when my attorneys...
get through with you,
O'Connell...
you'll be lucky if you have pocket
change to call Grosse Pointe.
Now, I always thought you had
a modicum of intelligence.
I really, I believed that there was
some baseline of logical thinking.
I mean,
a core of reasonableness...
somewhere, that could be appealed
to, but, in fact, I was wrong...
and you are exactly
what I thought you were.
You are spoiled
and you are frigid.
That's right.
Is he hurt?
You broke my broken nose!
Are you having trouble,
Maurice?
A wind knot.
It wouldn't matter.
They're not biting anyway.
Damn wind.
Well...
Holling...
do you consider yourself
a lucky person?
Lucky as the next fellow,
I guess.
Luckier, maybe.
And after all,
I've got Shelly.
No offense, Maurice.
I don't believe
in luck.
I believe each man
makes his own luck.
Master of your fate, huh?
Exactly.
Whenever I flew off on a
sortie, or did a test flight...
I always felt
completely in control.
Not that things
didn't go wrong...
but when they did, I knew
I could get out of them.
And I did.
Coffee?
No thanks.
It's unleaded.
Oh, okay.
Then, one day,
you go up on a roof...
wind comes up, somebody
grabs you by the belt...
all of a sudden
everything's changed.
You're no longer
in control of your life.
Everything's different.
Just a gust of wind,
that's all.
It could have
happened to anybody.
Yeah, but it didn't
happen to anybody...
it happened to me,
Maurice Minnifield.
And people have the nerve
to tell me I was lucky.
I don't understand, Maurice.
Would you have
rather gotten killed?
You just don't
get the point, Holling.
I've saved men in combat.
I've ridden an Atlas booster into space.
Do you honestly think
it was my fate...
to be saved from
a meaningless death...
by some itinerant
ex-con DJ?
An employee?
Damn this wind.
"In Los Angeles,
some teachers...
"do not attempt
to conduct classes...
"during a Santa Ana, because
the children become unmanageable.
"In Switzerland,
the suicide rate goes up...
"during a foehn, and in the
courts of some Swiss cantons...
"the wind is considered a
mitigating circumstance for crime.
"Surgeons are said
to watch the wind...
"because blood does not clot
normally during the foehn. "
In other words, Cicely,
if you are feeling crummy...
there's probably
a pretty good reason.
Hi. It's open.
Hey, hey, little buddy.
Hi, there.
You Chris?
Yeah.
Enrique.
Hi, Enrique,
what can I do for you?
Those are my sheep.
Oh, great.
Got away during the night.
I don't know
where we were anyway.
We were lost
to begin with.
But I carried
this little thing.
Oh.
Radio Shack.
Pretty good for the money,
actually.
Anyway,
I heard you talking...
and I said to Lupe here...
"Lupe, those are
our sheep, boy. "
Yeah, well, I bet you,
they're glad to see you.
So what's the point?
You don't seem
too excited to see them.
Ever been a shepherd?
No.
You sit, you watch, you work.
And then, you sit,
you watch, you work.
Exciting, eh?
Hoberman, you're my lawyer...
you're supposed
to protect me.
A month?
No, I can't wait a month...
don't you understand? She's
gonna evict me in a week.
Look, what does that mean? Possession
is nine-tenths of the law in New York.
You know, she's the missing tenth,
all right? She is without mercy.
She's gonna evict me
and I need an injunction.
Look, I gotta go, I've got
a zillion patients here...
and I got no assistant,
all right? Just do something.
Thank you.
Fleischman!
Yeah.
Oh, Fleischman...
Oh, you're a mess.
Yeah, look, Maurice, I'm running a little
behind. What seems to be the problem?
You might want to try
direct pressure on that.
It's just a nosebleed,
I'm fine.
Listen, Fleischman,
being a medical man...
I respect your opinion.
Now, think about
this for me, will you?
Sure.
In your opinion,
what is a human life worth?
What?
Well, I'm just talking
raw materials, you know...
phosphorus, calcium,
that sort of thing.
Are you serious?
Well, yeah,
a ballpark figure'll do.
This wouldn't have anything to
do with Chris saving your life...
by any chance, would it?
Now, you listen here,
Fleischman.
I came to you
in confidence.
What I do with this information
is my own business...
but if you leak one word of
this conversation to anybody...
I'll make sure
you live to regret it.
What is it, the wind that
suddenly makes everyone think...
they can threaten
the town doctor with impunity?
Let's hear some figures,
Fleischman.
Yeah, well,
as a matter of fact...
I had a chemistry professor who
once added it up on a blackboard.
And I believe, leaving
out extraneous items...
such as gold fillings, the shopping
bag price of the adult human body...
separated into discrete
components was something like...
$14.73.
That's it, huh?
Well, a long time ago,
Maurice.
You gotta allow
for inflation.
Then it would be
somewhere around $15.
More or less.
I knew life was cheap.
Oh, no, we're not talking life,
we're talking inanimate elements.
I mean,
these are building materials.
You can't put a dollar value
on human life.
I'm simply
trying to determine...
through the most
objective means possible...
the theoretical bottom line
of human existence.
Yeah, and I'm telling you
it doesn't work that way.
I mean,
you've read philosophy.
We live under
a social contract...
that measures worth
in intangibles...
like decency, and fellowship, and
good will, not dollars and cents.
Yeah.
And like all contracts,
it has its terms.
And terms are negotiable.
Oh, God.
Oh.
Come out from
under there, Stevens.
Hey, what's up?
Here.
What's this?
$30,000?
Yeah, and stock options for projects
that are in the planning stages.
I don't get it.
It's a fair package,
Stevens.
Now, don't you try
to up the ante on me.
It took
most of the night...
but I finally hit on a
formula that would calculate...
what my life will generate
over the next quarter.
And that doesn't include interest or
dividends or returns on investments.
It's simply
an earnings projection...
based on
the sweat of my brow.
Wow, well, that's nice,
but I don't want this.
I don't care if you want it
or not, you're gonna take it.
Maurice,
we've been over this...
I don't want anything
from you, man.
I know that's
what you said.
But that dog won't hunt.
If I let you
get away with this...
you've got something to hold
over me for the rest of my life.
No matter how many Bibles you
swear on, eventually, some day...
when I least expect it...
you're going to come to me
and want to cash in.
No, I won't,
that's what you would do.
Maurice, I don't slight you for
your opportunistic streak, but-
Oh, come on,
let's put this thing...
to bed right now.
The buck stops here.
Look, I understand
what you're trying to do.
I even think
it's interesting...
in a primitive,
domino-theory-of-the-soul kind of way.
What the hell are
you talking about?
I'm talking about
that metaphysical thorn...
that you got
sticking in your side.
What thorn? I'm trying
to reach a settlement here.
No, you're not, Maurice.
You're trying to recapture...
the illusion that you're in control
and you're not. Man, nobody is.
I mean, we're dust,
we're atoms, you and I...
are bound together in ways
that we can never comprehend.
What happened up on that roof
is an extreme example...
but we depend on each other every
day for our mutual survival...
and I just... Listen,
I can't take money for that.
Let me tell you
something, Stevens.
I render unto Caesar
what is Caesar's.
What I do with the rest of it
is my own damn business.
Now, look at them.
They look peaceful, eh?
Easy to handle.
You let one of them
get away, just one...
there goes your
whole afternoon.
Well, I thought
the expression was...
"Leave them alone
and they'll come home. "
No, that's cows.
Now, cows are smart.
Pigs are smart.
Anything is smart
compared to sheep.
Now, don't get me
started here.
Oh. So why are you
a shepherd, Enrique?
We're Basques. My family's
raising sheep all the time.
But I got to tell you...
my life is going nowhere.
Every year, the same.
Dipping, chasing, shearing.
Well, it sounds to me as if
you're in a mid-career crisis.
You know,
lately I ask myself...
"Now, what are people going to
say about me after I'm gone?"
"Enrique Lopez,
he raised sheep. "
I gotta try something else
before I'm too old.
Like what?
I don't know.
Cows, maybe.
Oh.
How's the schnoz?
Don't ask.
Joel, you're a fiscally
responsible person, right?
Well, I don't have a lot of
fiscal to be responsible for...
but what do you have
in mind?
What do you think of that?
$30,000?
Yeah, it's crazy, huh? Maurice has this
thing about what happened up on the roof.
$30,000?
He won't let it drop.
What do you think
I should do...
a charitable cause, some sort
of municipal foundation, what?
My advice to you is cash it,
this morning...
now, before he comes
to his senses.
Hmm.
Excuse me.
What's the matter, Shel?
Have you talked to Ed lately?
He's been acting creepy.
Creepy?
Yeah. Well, this morning
when I served him breakfast...
eggs over easy on the
hard side, like always...
he asked me which I thought
was better, hanging or drowning?
Then he wanted to know
if I'd ever thought...
about throwing myself
in front of a train.
Come to think of it, he did ask me
if I'd ever considered jumping...
into the Green River Gorge.
He said something
to Dave about Drano.
You don't think he's...
No.
What?
Can we talk?
Talk?
Yeah.
Can you turn that off?
Thanks.
How are you?
How am I?
Yeah.
You come all the way up here
to ask me, how am I?
No, just wondering.
I'm busy, Fleischman, and
I have a lot of work to do...
so, you know,
if you're through.
Look, can we take
a walk or something?
Walk?
You and me take a walk?
Yeah.
What is it, Fleischman?
I just would like
to get away from...
any implements of destruction,
if you wouldn't mind.
Better be good.
All right, look, I think it's
clear we've been having...
a little communication
problem as of late.
Communication?
Yeah, and though I can find
no excuse for your behavior...
I've thought about it and I'm
willing to concede that my decision...
to pursue litigation
may have been a bit rash.
What are you hiding,
Fleischman?
Nothing, I'm not
hiding anything.
I'm just saying that, with
the benefit of hindsight...
and a little
sober reflection...
maybe we can see the
other side a little better?
And?
And back down a bit.
Back down?
I'm willing to drop
that lawsuit...
if you're willing
to drop the eviction.
Weak case, huh, Fleischman?
Not at all. Quite the contrary,
if this were New York...
you wouldn't have a prayer,
but it ain't New York.
It's not even
the 20th century.
Hey.
You must be
the shepherd fella?
I understand you're trying
to get out of the business.
I'll offer you
$100 for a sheep.
$100?
All right, $125,
but that's my top offer.
You want only one?
Only need one.
Your mutton is going to be the
answer to my prayers, amigo.
Well, take any one
you want.
That one over there
has a good coat.
Oh, I'm not interested
in the wool.
You don't want the wool?
No.
We're gonna throw him
off the roof.
What?
What my friend's
trying to say is that...
in the interest of science, we're
gonna perform a little experiment.
Not with my sheep,
you're not.
Now, wait a minute, friend.
They're all going to end up
lamb chops anyway.
These are Romney Marsh sheep!
Hand weavers
depend on these sheep!
You do not drop a Romney
Marsh sheep from the roof!
Now, just a minute here.
Lupe!
You're making a big
mistake, my friend.
Come on, Kermit, let's
get the hell out of here.
You do not throw a Romney
Marsh sheep from the roof!
I'm a shepherd.
Hello?
Oh.
Ed?
Oh, Shelly. Hi.
Ed, what are you doing?
Well, I was just putting out
a few rat traps.
They've been getting
the insulation, why?
You weren't trying
to off yourself?
Well, you know, all that talk
about hanging and drowning...
and jumping
in front of a train.
Suicide's not the Indian way.
It's not?
Nah.
Don't go where you're not
invited, you know what I mean?
Oh.
Besides, I feel great.
You do?
Yep.
Being on that roof
really got me thinking.
About death being
all around us...
and how you'll never know
when your number's gonna be up.
Kind of like when you're
walking across a bridge...
and you start thinking
about jumping off.
Why would you
want to jump off?
Oh, it's not that you
really wanna jump off.
No?
It's more like...
you just can't help
thinking about jumping off.
Oh.
Yeah, you know,
how long will it take?
Will you scream? Which part
of your body will hit first?
Will death be instantaneous or
would you feel something first?
You know,
just kind of stuff like that.
Hmm.
Well, O'Connell, as it was
explained to me...
at $110 an hour
by Tom Hoberman...
my esteemed lawyer...
by the time I got a judge to actually
issue an injunction against you...
we might all be dead.
And in terms of my civil suit,
let's just say...
it would triple
my current debt load...
by the time I had my first
legal conference in the flesh.
What do you say?
Forget it.
What do you mean?
I mean, you have six days,
Fleischman, and then you're history.
O'Connell, I am
the injured party here, okay?
I'm trying
to give you a break.
No, Fleischman, you started
something you can't win...
and now you want out!
All right, fine, great. You
want to play it that way, fine.
I can't wait to see what a jury
thinks when they get a load of this.
Well, your honor,
to my recollection...
he put his finger like
this and said, "Right here!"
No, just listen to me, please.
Drop the eviction.
You get your hands off me,
Fleischman...
or I'm gonna punch you
in the nose again.
No way you're
hitting me again, O'Connell!
Get your hands off me.
O'Connell!
Fleischman. Oh, Fleischman.
Stevens, get out here.
Okay.
I stopped payment
on that check.
You can return
the stock options any time.
It's right here, Maurice.
What's up?
This.
Coconut?
Well, actually,
I started with melons.
I got your usual assortment, a
Crenshaw, casaba, cantaloupe...
but none of them had
the right density...
or mass to simulate
the human skull.
And then
I thought of coconuts.
I got a dozen of them.
And one by one,
I dropped them off the roof.
You were dropping
coconuts off the roof?
Yeah. Actually...
first three
exploded on impact.
And then five
partially fragmented...
but three of them
made it through intact.
And this one, this one here,
well, look for yourself.
See, this scarring
indicates the initial impact.
And this crack went
through the husk...
but not all the way to
the meat. But, look here.
The milk survived...
intact.
Right.
You don't get it, do you?
Well, why don't you just
help me out a little, Maurice?
You did not save my life.
I didn't.
Hell, no.
With any luck, I would
have survived that fall...
with a massive cerebral trauma
and internal hemorrhaging.
Quick airlift to Anchorage,
emergency surgery.
I'd have been on my
feet again in six weeks.
Well, three months
at the most.
Now, I know what
you're thinking.
What about paraplegia?
Well, there is the possibility
of spinal cord damage...
and, admittedly, I'd rather
put a nine-millimeter slug...
in my brain than spend the rest
of my life in a wheelchair...
but that is not the point.
No?
No. The point is...
that I did not need you.
I would have survived
that fall. So this...
this was just a superfluous
gesture of goodwill on my part.
A mighty generous gesture,
I might add.
Well, it's all there, Maurice.
It better be.
Uh-oh.
Uh-oh, what?
Oh, no.
People are looking
at us, Fleischman.
There's a table.
You're blushing.
I can't help it.
They're looking at us.
What?
Do you think they know?
No.
How could they know?
I don't know.
Evening.
What can I get you two?
What?
What do you mean, "you two"?
Well...
Can't two people sit together
without being categorized as a couple?
Well, sure.
Good.
Okay.
So, what would
you like, Maggie?
Why don't you just
give us a few minutes, please.
Yeah.
All righty.
He knows.
He doesn't know.
Well, if he didn't before,
Fleischman, he does now, thanks to you.
What'd I say?
It's written all
over your face.
No, it's not.
Yes, it is.
It is not.
Is it? It is, isn't it?
How could they know?
Think someone saw us?
God.
Oh, God.
What?
We're gonna have to
say something.
What?
I don't know, we're
gonna have to make...
some sort of
announcement or something.
An announcement?
Not so loud.
What do you mean,
an announcement?
What, like, the parents of Mary Margaret
O'Connell and Joel Chaim Fleischman...
are pleased to announce-
Don't be an idiot,
Fleischman, no.
Oh, well, thank you
very much. What?
I don't know, Fleischman,
look around.
I mean, look at everyone,
it's so obvious.
You know, ever since
you've gotten here...
people have wondered,
"When are they going to do it?
"Are they going to do it?"
You're kidding?
No.
And now that
we've done it, you know...
now that it's over,
people are...
People are going to be talking
behind my back, you know they will.
So I think that we need to do something.
We need to put an end to it. Don't you?
Just take the initiative?
Yeah, exactly.
Let's do it.
Yeah.
Excuse me.
Hello.
Can we just have
your attention, please?
Just a minute of your time, that's all.
We'd like to
say something.
Now, I know a lot of you
have been wondering whether-
Not that it's any of
your business, because...
But it seems to have
slipped out and...
Well, we've decided
to make it official here.
Erase all doubts.
O'Connell and I...
Well...
Spit it out, Fleischman.
Well, I am.
How do you put this?
We did it, so to speak.
It's in the books.
Happy now?
Did what?
It.
Sex, you know?
The deed.
We had sex.
Together, me and him.
Well, we just thought
we'd end your suspicions...
so that's it, folks.
In other words,
you can talk about it...
amongst yourselves,
out in the open.
We'll be here to answer
questions later on.
Get it out
of your systems.
Okay.
Okay, that should do it.
Yeah.
Hmm.
Huh.
Pull on those thermals,
Cicely.
It's a crisp
minus seven degrees out.
The Cohos are gone, people.
Outside temp's back to normal...
inside temp might take a few days
to return to psychic stability.
Surveying this year's
Coho damage...
except for Dr. Joel's
busted beak, I think we...
suffered the usual number of
metaphysical bumps and bruises.
Got some news from
the home front here...
Ed Chigliak dropped a note
for me to read to everyone.
"Hey, everyone,
I feel fine, really.
"It was just that seeing
Maurice almost go splat...
"got me thinking about death. Not
in a bad way, just, in a way...
"like when Greta Garbo threw herself
under the St. Petersburg Express...
"in Anna Karenina.
Or how about Warren Beatty...
"freezing to death in McCabe and
Mrs. Miller, hunched over in the snow.
"He just stopped.
"Does anyone else
think about these things?
"Please let me know.
Your friend, Ed. "
Are we there yet?
Almost.
It's coming.
Are you sure this is okay?
Yeah, it's okay,
don't be scared.
I just put it anywhere?
Anywhere you want.
Okay, great.
Come on!
Hey, hi.
Hi.
You busy?
No.
Because if you're busy,
I can-
I'm not busy.
Come on in.
Okay.
Good.
So.
So.
We should talk.
You think?
Well, maybe.
No, definitely.
I think we should talk.
Why don't you have a seat?
Okay.
Go ahead, talk.
I know we did what we did, but I really
can't believe we did it, you know.
Well-
It's like we were two
different people or something.
I been going over it in my
head, I mean over and over it.
And the only explanation
that I can come up with...
is some form
of temporary insanity.
Exactly what I was thinking.
The wind.
It was the wind.
Now, I admit I've been
slow to accept that...
the Coho theory of human behavior,
but what else could it have been?
Right, what?
I mean, one minute we're
trying to kill each other...
the next minute, I mean, we were
going at it like wild animals...
and then, again.
You know how they say, that love
is related to hate and all that?
I really think
that's true.
And I think what the Cohos do, is they
just exaggerate all those feelings...
they stir things up,
and sometimes they just get-
Confused.
Exactly.
Because, Fleischman,
let's face it...
I think the way we really feel for
each other is basic hostility, you know?
And when I punched you in the
nose, that was the real me...
and when you hit back with that
lawsuit, that was the real you.
Interesting, so what you're
saying is that yesterday...
was like some freak
switch being thrown.
I mean,
we weren't ourselves...
we, in fact, were the exact
opposite of ourselves, yeah?
Exactly. That's it.
Oh, at least
I think that's it.
No, no. That's it.
I think you got it.
Look, if that's true...
then, hey, we don't have to worry
about it ever happening again.
Absolutely, because the...
No more wind.
Right. No more wind.
Well.
All right.
Now that we did it, and, I
mean, don't get me wrong...
because it was fabulous.
Unbelievable.
Yeah, I mean, as far as I'm
concerned we buried the needle.
Discovered another planet.
You should have seen
the claw marks this morning.
Beyond, beyond.
But, now that it's done.
Over.
I think that
it's out of my system.
Mmm-hmm. Absolutely.
Which is wild, because...
Well, let's face it,
the sexual tension was...
Well, you could cut it
with a knife.
Try a hacksaw.
Right, but, it's like...
It's like we had a tumor
and it was removed.
Mmm-hmm. You know, I feel that it's...
Cured?
Yeah.
Hmm.
I feel much better.
Good, well good.
That's great.
So?
So?
Come on,
I'll walk you out.
Morning, Marilyn.
Good morning.
Well, Fleischman,
I'm glad we talked.
Me, too.
Yeah.
blowing that night.
"It was one of those hot, dry
Santa Anas that come down...
"through the mountains passes
and curl your hair...
"and make your nerves jump
and your skin itch.
"On nights like that, every
booze party ends in a fight.
"Meek little wives feel the
edge of the carving knife...
"and study
their husbands' necks.
"Anything can happen. "
Whoa.
Raymond Chandler.
Yes.
Yes!
Siberia from Irkutsk.
What's wrong
with Kamchatka?
Not again.
No, excuse me, Kamchatka has far
more strategic value than Siberia.
Fleischman,
just roll the dice.
O'Connell, it's the gateway
to North America.
Play.
Roll the dice.
It's just Risk, Joel.
Yes, thank you.
I'll take Ural
from Siberia.
All right, I quit.
What do you mean you quit?
Just what I said, I quit.
What? Just because
you're losing, you quit?
No, it's got nothing to do with
winning or losing. O'Connell, come on.
This is
a personal vendetta to you.
Give me a break.
You give me a break.
You're not even looking
at the big picture here.
Look, Marilyn, is sitting
with two armies in Indonesia...
and Ruth-Anne is over here, completely
vulnerable in East Africa. Come on.
Fleischman,
I can attack anyone I want.
Look, I came to play
an intelligent game.
Not to be victimized by some
power freak with penis envy.
Oh, you know I ought to
just punch you in the nose.
You and which army?
You think I'm bluffing?
Go ahead, O'Connell,
right there.
God.
Ow.
Is he all right?
They say it's an ill wind
that bloweth no man to good.
I think our own Dr. Joel
Fleischman would testify to that.
For those of you
who missed it...
Maggie O'Connell scored
a one-round decision...
over Dr. Fleischman
last night.
Right jab
to the old honker. Pow.
TKO.
What better sign that the Coho
winds are once again upon us?
Yes, neighbors,
for the next few days...
we'll be visited by those
crazy winds from the East.
My advice this year, don't
fight them, embrace them.
Know your enemy.
Morning, Joel.
How's the nose?
How's it look? It's broken.
It's completely
pushed to the left.
I had to set it myself. Do you
have any idea how painful that is?
I thought Marilyn
helped you.
Yeah, right,
she couldn't stop grinning.
By the way, do you know
where she is, by any chance?
Marilyn?
Yeah.
She's not in the office?
If she were in the office,
would I ask?
Pardon me
for saying so, Joel.
But I can see why Maggie
punched you out.
Look, I'm sorry, Ruth-Anne.
I'm in pain here, okay.
My face feels like one big bruise
and my sinuses are imploding.
On top of it, I look
like an idiot, all right?
What can I get you?
I'm out of Advil.
I'll check the back.
Hello, Dr. Fleischman.
Ed.
Whoa.
Broken?
Sorry, I'm out.
Great.
Give me some slack there,
will you, Stevens?
Okay, Maurice.
New transmitter, huh?
FCC finally came through.
Hell, no.
I got tired of waiting for
those boys in Washington...
to get off their butts.
Huh.
You mean we don't have
permission for this?
No, we don't have
permission for it.
KBHR's going outlaw?
Yeah, I guess
you could say that.
All right!
Well, hey, Maurice,
how far will this thing reach?
Well, not factoring
in sun spot activities...
I'd say the range'd be
a radius of about 200 miles.
Whoo!
Yeah.
Of course
you know that...
there's not another town
within 200 miles, Maurice.
No, not yet, Ed. But there
will be. And when there is...
Minnifield Communications
will be ready.
This is gonna
be great, Maurice.
The voice of Cicely spreading
out over the tundra...
communing with caribou,
and migrating puffins.
That ought to do it.
Whoa!
Whoa!
I got you. I got you.
Well, hey, that was close.
You okay?
Oh, wow.
Just take a deep breath
and relax. Catch your breath.
You okay?
Yeah, yeah.
I'm fine. I'm fine.
Man, that's some wind,
huh, Ed?
Oh, yeah.
Come in.
Morning.
Good morning.
I mean, it's 10:00.
I hate to be intrusive,
but what are you doing?
Cleaning.
Yeah, I mean, why aren't you
at the office?
The Cohos.
The what?
What does the wind
have to do with it?
It's bad.
The wind is bad.
Is that what you're saying,
the wind is bad?
Is this an Indian thing
going on or something?
Look, Marilyn, this is
a superstition, okay?
The wind cannot be
good or bad.
It blows hot,
it blows cold...
it has no moral
or ethical component.
What?
You think I got this
because of the wind?
No, I got this because
that nut O'Connell...
has a pathological
hatred of men.
Not because of the wind,
believe me.
Now, please, I need
you back at the office.
I have patients.
Marilyn, you know,
I hate to be technical...
but this is a weekday and your
contract says that you work weekdays.
I don't have a contract.
Well, we have a verbal agreement,
we have an understanding.
When the wind changes.
Marilyn, this could be days.
God!
Nosebleed?
Yeah.
Here.
Okay, Scotch rocks,
and one draft.
Put it on my tab, Shelly.
Sure, Maurice.
Chris, everybody's talking about the
way you saved Maurice's life and all.
It was so totally cool.
Oh, it was no big deal,
Shel, really.
You're a hero.
Ah, don't worry about it,
Maurice...
they'll be talking about something
else tomorrow, believe me.
No, no, no, no.
I'm a man who honors
his debts, Stevens.
Grabbing my tool belt
maybe doesn't compare...
to pulling out of a spin with
a couple of MiGs on your tail...
and leading
a shot-up wing man home...
but you did me a service,
definitely.
Well, it was
my pleasure, Maurice.
Saving a man's life, no matter
how mundane the circumstances...
requires a certain...
Reciprocity?
Yeah, that's it.
Yeah, I could see
how you'd feel that...
I mean, it's an ancient
concept, you know.
Confucius once used
that exact word...
to summarize his
entire philosophy.
Muslims, they cherish
the idea of mutual obligation.
I mean, by their standards,
if somebody saves your life...
you owe that person
till you save his.
Yeah, exactly.
Yeah, but the idea is
hardly universal.
It's not?
Certain Native American
cultures believe...
that saving a man's life,
or good deeds in general...
are a person's
natural function in life...
and they require
no special reward.
And you subscribe
to that notion?
Yeah, basically.
Nah, sounds flaky to me.
I mean, what's the point?
Say, Holling.
Did you ever think of jumping
off the Green River Bridge?
Jumping?
Yeah, you know,
just kind of...
No, I can't say I have.
Oh.
Be quite
a fall, though.
How far do you think that is?
About 1,000 feet.
1,000 feet.
That's a lot of time.
Wind roaring in your ears.
Just ripping at your clothes.
The pull of gravity
dragging you down...
down, down.
Time for one last look.
Something to eat?
Oh. No, thanks, Holling.
Hey, Maurice.
Maggie.
Good thing Chris was there
this morning, huh?
Yeah, dandy.
See you later.
Hey, Fleischman.
Look, I don't wanna
talk to you.
Whoa, that's some bandage.
You know,
you're unbelievable.
You punch a defenseless
person in the nose...
and you have the audacity
to comment on the results.
Does it hurt?
No, it doesn't hurt.
It throbs, it pulsates.
Every breath is a new
frontier of pain, thank you.
You know, Fleischman,
last night when I hit you...
I felt something I haven't
felt in a long time.
You know, I hope this isn't
one of your perverse stabs...
at an apology, O'Connell,
'cause you can forget it.
No, I felt good,
I felt empowered.
I mean, when my fist
hit your face...
I felt like, for at that
brief moment, I knew who I was.
You're sick.
You're in desperate need
of psychiatric help.
Oh, come on, Fleischman.
Everyone knew you had it coming.
Oh, well, to the great
relief of civilized men...
the legal code isn't based on what is
considered normal in Cicely, Alaska.
You know, around here, assault
and battery may be considered...
all part of an evening's
entertainment...
but where I come from it's
an actionable offense, okay?
Welcome back to reality,
Miss O'Connell.
What's this, Fleischman?
Oh, it's a little
legal thingy.
Law offices of
Hoberman and Hoberman?
You're suing me?
You got it.
Unbelievable.
You are such... You know,
Fleischman, this is so typical.
You can't settle something like a man, so
you have to go running off to your lawyers.
Hey, I don't see where testosterone
has anything to do with it.
It's a clear-cut case of
damages, as far as I'm concerned.
You want damages?
Okay, Fleischman.
Let's get this over with,
once and for all. Come on.
Damage this, Fleischman.
Come on?
O'Connell, you're making
a fool of yourself.
Come on, Fleischman. Give
me your best shot, come on!
Hit her, Doc.
Do you mind?
Chance of a lifetime, Fleischman.
This is a one-time offer.
O'Connell, believe me, nothing
would give me more pleasure...
than wiping that smirk off
your perfectly arranged face.
But ultimately,
I'd rather own your plane...
and your truck and your house
and all other attachments.
You see, that's how civilized
people settle things.
In your dreams, Fleischman.
In your dreams!
See you in court.
Chicken! You're a coward!
Do you hear me, Fleischman?
Chris in the Morning...
coming at you on the new,
improved KBHR...
with a special traffic
bulletin for downtown Cicely...
and outlying areas. A herd of sheep
is gently grazing down Main Street...
causing massive tie-ups
in all directions.
They appear to be Romneys, for any
lonely shepherd out there who might be...
wondering whether
his livelihood has fled.
I think the Cohos have played havoc
on the sheeps' sense of direction.
Anyway, these
little lambs are lost...
anybody who has a clue
where they belong...
why don't you
give us a holler?
Meantime, early
morning commuters...
go ahead and leave a couple
of extra minutes early...
and show some consideration
to our wooly friends.
I don't owe you a thing,
Stevens.
There's nobody said that you
had to grab my tool belt.
If I had fallen off there
and smashed my skull...
and my brains were
on the sidewalk...
that's no skin off your nose.
It's my life. Mine. And it's nobody's
business what I do with it except me.
It's not your business,
not Cicely's, nobody's.
Got it?
Okay.
I just didn't want there
to be any misunderstanding.
No after-the-fact
recriminations.
Now, we've had
this discussion.
That book is closed.
Okay.
I just wanted
to get that straight.
It's straight.
Good.
What do you think
about poisons, Dave?
Poison?
Yeah, you know.
Drano, cyanide...
industrial-strength cleaners.
What about them?
Oh, I don't know.
If you ever think about doing
a shot of something like that?
Nope.
Oh.
You know, I read once
about this guy...
got executed in
the gas chamber.
Took him
a full 10 minutes to die.
Hmm. I ate some
bad salmon once.
What was that like?
I puked a lot.
Huh.
Order up!
Hi. Is this a joke?
What?
This.
This gross miscarriage of justice
that you left taped to my cabin door.
No, Fleischman,
it's not a joke.
And you have
a week to get out.
Look, you can't evict me.
Why not?
Because you can't,
that's why.
I'm a legal tenant with
certain inalienable rights...
and one of which is
you can't evict me...
simply because
you feel like it.
Really?
Yeah. Really.
You ought to try
reading the contract...
that you gave me
sometime, O'Connell. Hmm.
Fleischman, normally, I give 30
days, I thought, in your case...
a week was very generous.
Look, I know what's
going on here, all right.
You're not fooling anyone.
I hit you with a lawsuit,
so you hit back...
with an eviction notice.
That's very mature, O'Connell.
But it might interest you to know that
payback is not a generally recognized...
principle of legal
conduct, okay?
So what that means is, there is
absolutely no way in the world...
that you're going
to pull this off.
Watch me.
Does the word injunction
mean anything to you?
Fleischman, this is Alaska.
So what?
What does that mean? What?
Is there
a complete suspension...
of the American jurisprudence
system around here?
No, Fleischman,
what it means...
is that people have been known
to disappear up here...
and their bodies have
never been recovered.
I can't believe you,
you are threatening me?
O'Connell, do you realize the trouble
that you're causing for yourself?
You know, Fleischman, why
don't you just shut your mouth?
You know, for once in
your life, why don't you...
make the world a better place
and shut your mouth?
I'm not going to shut up while I'm
being subjected to this malicious crap.
Well, you know, maybe I'll burn
your house down, Fleischman.
You know,
it runs in the family.
All right, you go ahead
and joke, when my attorneys...
get through with you,
O'Connell...
you'll be lucky if you have pocket
change to call Grosse Pointe.
Now, I always thought you had
a modicum of intelligence.
I really, I believed that there was
some baseline of logical thinking.
I mean,
a core of reasonableness...
somewhere, that could be appealed
to, but, in fact, I was wrong...
and you are exactly
what I thought you were.
You are spoiled
and you are frigid.
That's right.
Is he hurt?
You broke my broken nose!
Are you having trouble,
Maurice?
A wind knot.
It wouldn't matter.
They're not biting anyway.
Damn wind.
Well...
Holling...
do you consider yourself
a lucky person?
Lucky as the next fellow,
I guess.
Luckier, maybe.
And after all,
I've got Shelly.
No offense, Maurice.
I don't believe
in luck.
I believe each man
makes his own luck.
Master of your fate, huh?
Exactly.
Whenever I flew off on a
sortie, or did a test flight...
I always felt
completely in control.
Not that things
didn't go wrong...
but when they did, I knew
I could get out of them.
And I did.
Coffee?
No thanks.
It's unleaded.
Oh, okay.
Then, one day,
you go up on a roof...
wind comes up, somebody
grabs you by the belt...
all of a sudden
everything's changed.
You're no longer
in control of your life.
Everything's different.
Just a gust of wind,
that's all.
It could have
happened to anybody.
Yeah, but it didn't
happen to anybody...
it happened to me,
Maurice Minnifield.
And people have the nerve
to tell me I was lucky.
I don't understand, Maurice.
Would you have
rather gotten killed?
You just don't
get the point, Holling.
I've saved men in combat.
I've ridden an Atlas booster into space.
Do you honestly think
it was my fate...
to be saved from
a meaningless death...
by some itinerant
ex-con DJ?
An employee?
Damn this wind.
"In Los Angeles,
some teachers...
"do not attempt
to conduct classes...
"during a Santa Ana, because
the children become unmanageable.
"In Switzerland,
the suicide rate goes up...
"during a foehn, and in the
courts of some Swiss cantons...
"the wind is considered a
mitigating circumstance for crime.
"Surgeons are said
to watch the wind...
"because blood does not clot
normally during the foehn. "
In other words, Cicely,
if you are feeling crummy...
there's probably
a pretty good reason.
Hi. It's open.
Hey, hey, little buddy.
Hi, there.
You Chris?
Yeah.
Enrique.
Hi, Enrique,
what can I do for you?
Those are my sheep.
Oh, great.
Got away during the night.
I don't know
where we were anyway.
We were lost
to begin with.
But I carried
this little thing.
Oh.
Radio Shack.
Pretty good for the money,
actually.
Anyway,
I heard you talking...
and I said to Lupe here...
"Lupe, those are
our sheep, boy. "
Yeah, well, I bet you,
they're glad to see you.
So what's the point?
You don't seem
too excited to see them.
Ever been a shepherd?
No.
You sit, you watch, you work.
And then, you sit,
you watch, you work.
Exciting, eh?
Hoberman, you're my lawyer...
you're supposed
to protect me.
A month?
No, I can't wait a month...
don't you understand? She's
gonna evict me in a week.
Look, what does that mean? Possession
is nine-tenths of the law in New York.
You know, she's the missing tenth,
all right? She is without mercy.
She's gonna evict me
and I need an injunction.
Look, I gotta go, I've got
a zillion patients here...
and I got no assistant,
all right? Just do something.
Thank you.
Fleischman!
Yeah.
Oh, Fleischman...
Oh, you're a mess.
Yeah, look, Maurice, I'm running a little
behind. What seems to be the problem?
You might want to try
direct pressure on that.
It's just a nosebleed,
I'm fine.
Listen, Fleischman,
being a medical man...
I respect your opinion.
Now, think about
this for me, will you?
Sure.
In your opinion,
what is a human life worth?
What?
Well, I'm just talking
raw materials, you know...
phosphorus, calcium,
that sort of thing.
Are you serious?
Well, yeah,
a ballpark figure'll do.
This wouldn't have anything to
do with Chris saving your life...
by any chance, would it?
Now, you listen here,
Fleischman.
I came to you
in confidence.
What I do with this information
is my own business...
but if you leak one word of
this conversation to anybody...
I'll make sure
you live to regret it.
What is it, the wind that
suddenly makes everyone think...
they can threaten
the town doctor with impunity?
Let's hear some figures,
Fleischman.
Yeah, well,
as a matter of fact...
I had a chemistry professor who
once added it up on a blackboard.
And I believe, leaving
out extraneous items...
such as gold fillings, the shopping
bag price of the adult human body...
separated into discrete
components was something like...
$14.73.
That's it, huh?
Well, a long time ago,
Maurice.
You gotta allow
for inflation.
Then it would be
somewhere around $15.
More or less.
I knew life was cheap.
Oh, no, we're not talking life,
we're talking inanimate elements.
I mean,
these are building materials.
You can't put a dollar value
on human life.
I'm simply
trying to determine...
through the most
objective means possible...
the theoretical bottom line
of human existence.
Yeah, and I'm telling you
it doesn't work that way.
I mean,
you've read philosophy.
We live under
a social contract...
that measures worth
in intangibles...
like decency, and fellowship, and
good will, not dollars and cents.
Yeah.
And like all contracts,
it has its terms.
And terms are negotiable.
Oh, God.
Oh.
Come out from
under there, Stevens.
Hey, what's up?
Here.
What's this?
$30,000?
Yeah, and stock options for projects
that are in the planning stages.
I don't get it.
It's a fair package,
Stevens.
Now, don't you try
to up the ante on me.
It took
most of the night...
but I finally hit on a
formula that would calculate...
what my life will generate
over the next quarter.
And that doesn't include interest or
dividends or returns on investments.
It's simply
an earnings projection...
based on
the sweat of my brow.
Wow, well, that's nice,
but I don't want this.
I don't care if you want it
or not, you're gonna take it.
Maurice,
we've been over this...
I don't want anything
from you, man.
I know that's
what you said.
But that dog won't hunt.
If I let you
get away with this...
you've got something to hold
over me for the rest of my life.
No matter how many Bibles you
swear on, eventually, some day...
when I least expect it...
you're going to come to me
and want to cash in.
No, I won't,
that's what you would do.
Maurice, I don't slight you for
your opportunistic streak, but-
Oh, come on,
let's put this thing...
to bed right now.
The buck stops here.
Look, I understand
what you're trying to do.
I even think
it's interesting...
in a primitive,
domino-theory-of-the-soul kind of way.
What the hell are
you talking about?
I'm talking about
that metaphysical thorn...
that you got
sticking in your side.
What thorn? I'm trying
to reach a settlement here.
No, you're not, Maurice.
You're trying to recapture...
the illusion that you're in control
and you're not. Man, nobody is.
I mean, we're dust,
we're atoms, you and I...
are bound together in ways
that we can never comprehend.
What happened up on that roof
is an extreme example...
but we depend on each other every
day for our mutual survival...
and I just... Listen,
I can't take money for that.
Let me tell you
something, Stevens.
I render unto Caesar
what is Caesar's.
What I do with the rest of it
is my own damn business.
Now, look at them.
They look peaceful, eh?
Easy to handle.
You let one of them
get away, just one...
there goes your
whole afternoon.
Well, I thought
the expression was...
"Leave them alone
and they'll come home. "
No, that's cows.
Now, cows are smart.
Pigs are smart.
Anything is smart
compared to sheep.
Now, don't get me
started here.
Oh. So why are you
a shepherd, Enrique?
We're Basques. My family's
raising sheep all the time.
But I got to tell you...
my life is going nowhere.
Every year, the same.
Dipping, chasing, shearing.
Well, it sounds to me as if
you're in a mid-career crisis.
You know,
lately I ask myself...
"Now, what are people going to
say about me after I'm gone?"
"Enrique Lopez,
he raised sheep. "
I gotta try something else
before I'm too old.
Like what?
I don't know.
Cows, maybe.
Oh.
How's the schnoz?
Don't ask.
Joel, you're a fiscally
responsible person, right?
Well, I don't have a lot of
fiscal to be responsible for...
but what do you have
in mind?
What do you think of that?
$30,000?
Yeah, it's crazy, huh? Maurice has this
thing about what happened up on the roof.
$30,000?
He won't let it drop.
What do you think
I should do...
a charitable cause, some sort
of municipal foundation, what?
My advice to you is cash it,
this morning...
now, before he comes
to his senses.
Hmm.
Excuse me.
What's the matter, Shel?
Have you talked to Ed lately?
He's been acting creepy.
Creepy?
Yeah. Well, this morning
when I served him breakfast...
eggs over easy on the
hard side, like always...
he asked me which I thought
was better, hanging or drowning?
Then he wanted to know
if I'd ever thought...
about throwing myself
in front of a train.
Come to think of it, he did ask me
if I'd ever considered jumping...
into the Green River Gorge.
He said something
to Dave about Drano.
You don't think he's...
No.
What?
Can we talk?
Talk?
Yeah.
Can you turn that off?
Thanks.
How are you?
How am I?
Yeah.
You come all the way up here
to ask me, how am I?
No, just wondering.
I'm busy, Fleischman, and
I have a lot of work to do...
so, you know,
if you're through.
Look, can we take
a walk or something?
Walk?
You and me take a walk?
Yeah.
What is it, Fleischman?
I just would like
to get away from...
any implements of destruction,
if you wouldn't mind.
Better be good.
All right, look, I think it's
clear we've been having...
a little communication
problem as of late.
Communication?
Yeah, and though I can find
no excuse for your behavior...
I've thought about it and I'm
willing to concede that my decision...
to pursue litigation
may have been a bit rash.
What are you hiding,
Fleischman?
Nothing, I'm not
hiding anything.
I'm just saying that, with
the benefit of hindsight...
and a little
sober reflection...
maybe we can see the
other side a little better?
And?
And back down a bit.
Back down?
I'm willing to drop
that lawsuit...
if you're willing
to drop the eviction.
Weak case, huh, Fleischman?
Not at all. Quite the contrary,
if this were New York...
you wouldn't have a prayer,
but it ain't New York.
It's not even
the 20th century.
Hey.
You must be
the shepherd fella?
I understand you're trying
to get out of the business.
I'll offer you
$100 for a sheep.
$100?
All right, $125,
but that's my top offer.
You want only one?
Only need one.
Your mutton is going to be the
answer to my prayers, amigo.
Well, take any one
you want.
That one over there
has a good coat.
Oh, I'm not interested
in the wool.
You don't want the wool?
No.
We're gonna throw him
off the roof.
What?
What my friend's
trying to say is that...
in the interest of science, we're
gonna perform a little experiment.
Not with my sheep,
you're not.
Now, wait a minute, friend.
They're all going to end up
lamb chops anyway.
These are Romney Marsh sheep!
Hand weavers
depend on these sheep!
You do not drop a Romney
Marsh sheep from the roof!
Now, just a minute here.
Lupe!
You're making a big
mistake, my friend.
Come on, Kermit, let's
get the hell out of here.
You do not throw a Romney
Marsh sheep from the roof!
I'm a shepherd.
Hello?
Oh.
Ed?
Oh, Shelly. Hi.
Ed, what are you doing?
Well, I was just putting out
a few rat traps.
They've been getting
the insulation, why?
You weren't trying
to off yourself?
Well, you know, all that talk
about hanging and drowning...
and jumping
in front of a train.
Suicide's not the Indian way.
It's not?
Nah.
Don't go where you're not
invited, you know what I mean?
Oh.
Besides, I feel great.
You do?
Yep.
Being on that roof
really got me thinking.
About death being
all around us...
and how you'll never know
when your number's gonna be up.
Kind of like when you're
walking across a bridge...
and you start thinking
about jumping off.
Why would you
want to jump off?
Oh, it's not that you
really wanna jump off.
No?
It's more like...
you just can't help
thinking about jumping off.
Oh.
Yeah, you know,
how long will it take?
Will you scream? Which part
of your body will hit first?
Will death be instantaneous or
would you feel something first?
You know,
just kind of stuff like that.
Hmm.
Well, O'Connell, as it was
explained to me...
at $110 an hour
by Tom Hoberman...
my esteemed lawyer...
by the time I got a judge to actually
issue an injunction against you...
we might all be dead.
And in terms of my civil suit,
let's just say...
it would triple
my current debt load...
by the time I had my first
legal conference in the flesh.
What do you say?
Forget it.
What do you mean?
I mean, you have six days,
Fleischman, and then you're history.
O'Connell, I am
the injured party here, okay?
I'm trying
to give you a break.
No, Fleischman, you started
something you can't win...
and now you want out!
All right, fine, great. You
want to play it that way, fine.
I can't wait to see what a jury
thinks when they get a load of this.
Well, your honor,
to my recollection...
he put his finger like
this and said, "Right here!"
No, just listen to me, please.
Drop the eviction.
You get your hands off me,
Fleischman...
or I'm gonna punch you
in the nose again.
No way you're
hitting me again, O'Connell!
Get your hands off me.
O'Connell!
Fleischman. Oh, Fleischman.
Stevens, get out here.
Okay.
I stopped payment
on that check.
You can return
the stock options any time.
It's right here, Maurice.
What's up?
This.
Coconut?
Well, actually,
I started with melons.
I got your usual assortment, a
Crenshaw, casaba, cantaloupe...
but none of them had
the right density...
or mass to simulate
the human skull.
And then
I thought of coconuts.
I got a dozen of them.
And one by one,
I dropped them off the roof.
You were dropping
coconuts off the roof?
Yeah. Actually...
first three
exploded on impact.
And then five
partially fragmented...
but three of them
made it through intact.
And this one, this one here,
well, look for yourself.
See, this scarring
indicates the initial impact.
And this crack went
through the husk...
but not all the way to
the meat. But, look here.
The milk survived...
intact.
Right.
You don't get it, do you?
Well, why don't you just
help me out a little, Maurice?
You did not save my life.
I didn't.
Hell, no.
With any luck, I would
have survived that fall...
with a massive cerebral trauma
and internal hemorrhaging.
Quick airlift to Anchorage,
emergency surgery.
I'd have been on my
feet again in six weeks.
Well, three months
at the most.
Now, I know what
you're thinking.
What about paraplegia?
Well, there is the possibility
of spinal cord damage...
and, admittedly, I'd rather
put a nine-millimeter slug...
in my brain than spend the rest
of my life in a wheelchair...
but that is not the point.
No?
No. The point is...
that I did not need you.
I would have survived
that fall. So this...
this was just a superfluous
gesture of goodwill on my part.
A mighty generous gesture,
I might add.
Well, it's all there, Maurice.
It better be.
Uh-oh.
Uh-oh, what?
Oh, no.
People are looking
at us, Fleischman.
There's a table.
You're blushing.
I can't help it.
They're looking at us.
What?
Do you think they know?
No.
How could they know?
I don't know.
Evening.
What can I get you two?
What?
What do you mean, "you two"?
Well...
Can't two people sit together
without being categorized as a couple?
Well, sure.
Good.
Okay.
So, what would
you like, Maggie?
Why don't you just
give us a few minutes, please.
Yeah.
All righty.
He knows.
He doesn't know.
Well, if he didn't before,
Fleischman, he does now, thanks to you.
What'd I say?
It's written all
over your face.
No, it's not.
Yes, it is.
It is not.
Is it? It is, isn't it?
How could they know?
Think someone saw us?
God.
Oh, God.
What?
We're gonna have to
say something.
What?
I don't know, we're
gonna have to make...
some sort of
announcement or something.
An announcement?
Not so loud.
What do you mean,
an announcement?
What, like, the parents of Mary Margaret
O'Connell and Joel Chaim Fleischman...
are pleased to announce-
Don't be an idiot,
Fleischman, no.
Oh, well, thank you
very much. What?
I don't know, Fleischman,
look around.
I mean, look at everyone,
it's so obvious.
You know, ever since
you've gotten here...
people have wondered,
"When are they going to do it?
"Are they going to do it?"
You're kidding?
No.
And now that
we've done it, you know...
now that it's over,
people are...
People are going to be talking
behind my back, you know they will.
So I think that we need to do something.
We need to put an end to it. Don't you?
Just take the initiative?
Yeah, exactly.
Let's do it.
Yeah.
Excuse me.
Hello.
Can we just have
your attention, please?
Just a minute of your time, that's all.
We'd like to
say something.
Now, I know a lot of you
have been wondering whether-
Not that it's any of
your business, because...
But it seems to have
slipped out and...
Well, we've decided
to make it official here.
Erase all doubts.
O'Connell and I...
Well...
Spit it out, Fleischman.
Well, I am.
How do you put this?
We did it, so to speak.
It's in the books.
Happy now?
Did what?
It.
Sex, you know?
The deed.
We had sex.
Together, me and him.
Well, we just thought
we'd end your suspicions...
so that's it, folks.
In other words,
you can talk about it...
amongst yourselves,
out in the open.
We'll be here to answer
questions later on.
Get it out
of your systems.
Okay.
Okay, that should do it.
Yeah.
Hmm.
Huh.
Pull on those thermals,
Cicely.
It's a crisp
minus seven degrees out.
The Cohos are gone, people.
Outside temp's back to normal...
inside temp might take a few days
to return to psychic stability.
Surveying this year's
Coho damage...
except for Dr. Joel's
busted beak, I think we...
suffered the usual number of
metaphysical bumps and bruises.
Got some news from
the home front here...
Ed Chigliak dropped a note
for me to read to everyone.
"Hey, everyone,
I feel fine, really.
"It was just that seeing
Maurice almost go splat...
"got me thinking about death. Not
in a bad way, just, in a way...
"like when Greta Garbo threw herself
under the St. Petersburg Express...
"in Anna Karenina.
Or how about Warren Beatty...
"freezing to death in McCabe and
Mrs. Miller, hunched over in the snow.
"He just stopped.
"Does anyone else
think about these things?
"Please let me know.
Your friend, Ed. "
Are we there yet?
Almost.
It's coming.
Are you sure this is okay?
Yeah, it's okay,
don't be scared.
I just put it anywhere?
Anywhere you want.
Okay, great.
Come on!
Hey, hi.
Hi.
You busy?
No.
Because if you're busy,
I can-
I'm not busy.
Come on in.
Okay.
Good.
So.
So.
We should talk.
You think?
Well, maybe.
No, definitely.
I think we should talk.
Why don't you have a seat?
Okay.
Go ahead, talk.
I know we did what we did, but I really
can't believe we did it, you know.
Well-
It's like we were two
different people or something.
I been going over it in my
head, I mean over and over it.
And the only explanation
that I can come up with...
is some form
of temporary insanity.
Exactly what I was thinking.
The wind.
It was the wind.
Now, I admit I've been
slow to accept that...
the Coho theory of human behavior,
but what else could it have been?
Right, what?
I mean, one minute we're
trying to kill each other...
the next minute, I mean, we were
going at it like wild animals...
and then, again.
You know how they say, that love
is related to hate and all that?
I really think
that's true.
And I think what the Cohos do, is they
just exaggerate all those feelings...
they stir things up,
and sometimes they just get-
Confused.
Exactly.
Because, Fleischman,
let's face it...
I think the way we really feel for
each other is basic hostility, you know?
And when I punched you in the
nose, that was the real me...
and when you hit back with that
lawsuit, that was the real you.
Interesting, so what you're
saying is that yesterday...
was like some freak
switch being thrown.
I mean,
we weren't ourselves...
we, in fact, were the exact
opposite of ourselves, yeah?
Exactly. That's it.
Oh, at least
I think that's it.
No, no. That's it.
I think you got it.
Look, if that's true...
then, hey, we don't have to worry
about it ever happening again.
Absolutely, because the...
No more wind.
Right. No more wind.
Well.
All right.
Now that we did it, and, I
mean, don't get me wrong...
because it was fabulous.
Unbelievable.
Yeah, I mean, as far as I'm
concerned we buried the needle.
Discovered another planet.
You should have seen
the claw marks this morning.
Beyond, beyond.
But, now that it's done.
Over.
I think that
it's out of my system.
Mmm-hmm. Absolutely.
Which is wild, because...
Well, let's face it,
the sexual tension was...
Well, you could cut it
with a knife.
Try a hacksaw.
Right, but, it's like...
It's like we had a tumor
and it was removed.
Mmm-hmm. You know, I feel that it's...
Cured?
Yeah.
Hmm.
I feel much better.
Good, well good.
That's great.
So?
So?
Come on,
I'll walk you out.
Morning, Marilyn.
Good morning.
Well, Fleischman,
I'm glad we talked.
Me, too.
Yeah.