Northern Exposure (1990–1995): Season 2, Episode 3 - All Is Vanity - full transcript

You are a moron.
You're a stupid moron!

The Labrador retriever
was bred for water.

You ever look at his paws?
He's got webbed paws.

[ Object Clatters ]

You stand up and tell me
a German shorthair can swim
as good as a Labrador retriever.

- Come on! Stand up!
- ?It's a shame?

Anybody else in this establishment
got an opinion they wanna
express on this matter?

Anybody else in here think
that a Labrador retriever is not
the best hunting dog in the world?

- Any of you?
- ?Feel the same?

I'll have another beer.
I think you've had enough to drink.

- What?
- You heard me.



- I said I want another beer.
- Shelly, bring this man his coat.

Shelly.

Nobody throws me out of a bar.

Leave now and I won't have to.

?As you said in the words
of your song?

Too damn hot in here anyway.

? Too many times married men?

? Think they're still single?

[ Door Closes ]
? That has caused me?

?A good girl to go wrong??
[ Chattering ]

God!

That was neat.

It gave me goose pimples.

Honest, Holling.



I almost started to cry.

Oh, it was just so... neat.

It was good for me too, Shelly.

You know what really turned me on?

I mean, what really did it?

You weren't scared at all.

It was just so unbelievably cool.
Scared?

This big wacko,
all P.O.'d and everything,
and you just stood right up to him.

Oh, that.

Once, at a homecoming game,
Bobby Travis mooned me
in the parking lot,

and Wayne ran after him
and punched him in the mouth.

But Bobby was this little geek.

Besides, his pants were down,
so it wasn't like Wayne
was any big hero or anything.

But you--
That guy had a hunting knife.

He could have killed you.
I just did what anybody would do.

Mm-mmm!
No way!

You see stuff like that in the movies,
not in person.

And to think I'm the lucky girl
that gets to go home with you.

Hmm?
What?

Hmm?

Hmm, what?

Your thing.
What about it?

It looks funny.
Funny?

It's not like Wayne's or Tommy's...
or Billy's.

It's got...
that little turtleneck thing.

You mean the foreskin.
Mm-hmm.

How come you weren't,
you know, clipped?

Well, I don't know.
They didn't do that when I was born.

Mmm.

Shelly, this never
bothered you before.

It doesn't bother me.
I got the munchies.

Do we have any more
of those Pudding Snacks left?

How about those double-fudge bars?

I'm going downstairs.
You want me to bring you up
a pickled egg?

Careful. I think
there's some ice over here.

You could offer to help.
You?

Our own Calamity Jane,
torch bearer of the pioneer spirit?

I wouldn't presume to insult you.
Why were you born, Fleischman?

A mosquito has more utilitarian value.

- A slug, a tapeworm.
- Bye, O'Connell.

Well, they had the marinara sauce
and the sun-dried tomatoes,

but they were out of
shiitake mushrooms.

Leonard Keck is gonna have a fit.
He wanted to make moo shu chicken
for the Sunday potluck.

Oh, I've got a letter for you.

Here it is.

It's from my dad.
Dorothy Bauer said she was so sorry,

but she picked it up by mistake
with her mail last month.

She just got back today.

I hope it's nothing urgent.

He's fishing for king salmon
up in Cordova.

Cordova? He ought
to drop by here for a visit.

He is.
Too bad that Rick isn't here.

Uh-oh.
I'm sure your dad
would like to meet your beau.

Oh, God.
I have a roll-away bed
that you can borrow.

Oh, God!

[ Door Opens ]

- Morning, Joel.
- Hi, Holling. What can I do for you?

Well, uh, let me see. Uh--
My neck was a little stiff last week.

- Uh-huh.
- And, uh, once in a while,
I get a tic right here, under my eye.

Yeah?
I'm thinkin' about
gettin' circumcised.

And every now and again,
my knee pops out.

- What?
- My knee pops.

- No. No, before that.
- I'm thinkin' about gettin' circumcised.

Circumcised? As in circumcised?
Why on earth would you wanna do that?

Well, uh, for one thing
I hear it's more hygienic.

Yeah. It's a very
controversial issue, Holling.

And for another thing,
I hear it's also more, uh, in style.

In style? What, like pleated pants?
Like an earring?

Aren't most men
of your generation circumcised?

I don't know. Maybe.
It depends where you're from.

Are you?
Yes, but that's irrelevant.

I'm Jewish. It's in the contract.
I see.

I was eight days old, Holling.
A baby.

I had no choice in the matter.
My father held me, my mother wept.

You can't compare that to a 63-year-old man
who's opting to have his foreskin removed
because he thinks it's in style.

You're against my doing it.
Absolutely.

There is no medical reason
for you to be circumcised.

I am personally opposed
to unnecessary surgical procedures.

I see.

Let me add one piece
of pertinent information.

We are talking about a very sensitive
part of the anatomy.

Yeah.
You need stitches--

Stitches, Holling--
down there.

So?

[ Clears Throat ]
Under the circumstances,
it might not be such a good idea.

Yeah. Wise decision.

[ Door Opens ]
[ Holling ]
Well, thank you, Joel.

Who's next, Marilyn?
Number nine.

Number nine.

- Well, I'm 1 0.
- What happened to nine? Where's nine?

Sir? Hello, number nine?

Excuse me.

Hello?

Uh-oh.

Is this the first one you've lost?

I didn't lose him.
I-I never touched him.

He was waiting to see me.
He was sitting in a chair.
[ Chuckles ]

You know, death's a funny thing.

It always blindsides you.
It always sneaks up on you
when you're not looking.

The man liked good boots.

Do you recognize him?
No. Never seen him before.

- You don't know your own patients?
- He wasn't my patient yet.

And I have an assistant here
who thinks it's unnecessary to take names.

- She'd rather run my office
like a delicatessen.
- He's number nine.

[ Maurice ]
Have any I.D. on him?
I don't know.

Well, better check.
You take that side.

- No way, Maurice. I'm not going
through his pockets. Uh-uh.
- He's not gonna bite you, son.

Marilyn, you better log this.

One package of Juicy Fruit gum,
three pieces remaining.

juicy Fruit, three sticks.
Right.

- One nail clipper.
- Nail clipper.

What's this?
Hey. Hey. Hey. Ow!

What is it?
Somethin's got me!
[ Screaming ]

[ Laughing ]

- I had you goin' there, didn't I?
-Just see if he has some I.D.

""Pick up shirt Monday.''

Does he have a wallet?
No, that's it.

We do know one thing.
What's that?

- Not wearing a wedding ring.
- Great. Terrific.

- Who are we supposed to call about this?
- Call?

Yeah, who's the coroner around here?
Coroner?
[ Laughs ]

- Son, where do you think you are?
- I'm sorry. I must have lost my head.

Of course there's no coroner.
I don't suppose you
have an undertaker either.

Milt.
Milt?

Milt Wyman?
He's a taxidermist.

Well, that makes him
eminently qualified, I'd say.

- Margaret!
- Dad!

Be back in three days, huh?
Hey.

Peanut! How are ya?
I'm good.

You got the hat.
Oh, yeah, and the mittens.

Good. Looks good.

Geez, you are in the boonies.
Yeah. But you know what?

I thought I'd fly you over to Kalichuk.
We could do some ice fishing.

Enough fishing.
I've been stuck in a boat for a week,

listening to this guy bellyache
'cause his board won't go a buyout.

How about the Nogiak Glacier?
It's spectacular.

I told him to resign.
That's what I did over the Pinto flap.

Dad.
Margaret, I wanna
see where you live.

And I wanna meet your boyfriend.
Well, see, that's it.

He's not here.
Where'd he go?

He's in Anchorage.
You're not hiding him
from me, are you?

No, I'm not hiding him from you.
Why would you think a thing like that?

We both know how I felt about
your boyfriends in the past.

Like that loser Bruce and his book,
Mountain of My Misgivings?

I tried to read that thing.
I know, Dad.

You know,
I'd love to meet Minnifield.

Did I tell you
I saw him in Detroit in '65
when they gave him that parade?

Yeah, but you know Maurice.
He's got that radio station,
the newspaper.

He's a busy man.
It's too bad about your boyfriend.

Yeah, well--
When you wrote and told me who
you were goin' out with, I thought,

""Thank God this one's not a flake.''

Come on, now.
Don't get all worked up.
You know what I mean.

I was looking forward
to meeting your Dr. Joel.

??[ Man Singing, Faint ]

Shelly, what kind of eggs are these?
Scrambled.

You know,
they taste kind of like shrimp.

That's funny.

Do you have some cocktail sauce?
Sure.

Holling, where have you been?
Dave never showed up.

I had to do breakfast all by myself.
Oh, God, it's been crazy.

Somebody stuck a donut in the toaster
and gunked it all up.
I went to seeJoel.

Everybody ordered pancakes,
and we only have two bottles of syrup.
I'm sorry, honey.

You went to see Dr. Fleischman?
Uh-huh.

Is your neck acting weird again?
I went about that problem
we discussed.

What problem?
About you preferring crewnecks
to, uh, turtlenecks.

You know, about my
not being circumcised.

That's not a problem.
Well, in case it was,
I was gonna get it done.

You went to see Dr. Fleischman
about getting it snipped?

Well, yes, but--

You did? For me?
Yes. But Joel said--

Oh, Holling!
Nobody's ever done something
like this for me before.

I mean, Wayne had a heart
with an ""S'' tattooed on his arm.

But this-- this is so--
Honey--

so incredibly macho--

that you would actually
do that for me.

Oh, Holling, I love you.

I love you, I love you, I love you.

This your idea of a morgue?
Take people out,
put them on a picnic table?

Well, we used to put 'em
in Holling's freezer.

Either that or burn 'em.
Depends on the wishes of the family.

So why aren't we putting him
in Holling's freezer?

It's full, son. This is a hell
of a huntin' season this year.

You're tellin' me--
Up you go!

So what? You mean we can't
displace a couple caribou?

Well, son, out here, food takes
precedence over human remains.

What are you gripin' about anyway?

It's a brisk ought-seven out here.

The only thing we have to
worry about is gettin' sentries.

Sentries? You mean guards?
The man's dead, Maurice.

Where's he gonna go?
I'm talkin' about wolves, son.

Wolves?
Yeah, wolves.

When Jack Cutler died,
we forgot about him.

One night the wolves came,
took old Jack away.

All we found was his shoes.
Hi, Dr. Fleischman.

Hi. Ed.
I heard you lost a patient.

I didn't lose him.
I don't even know who he is.

Looks like a man I met from Sleetmute.

- Yeah?
- But it isn't.

Eight hundred and fifty people
in this town, nobody knows
who this man is.

I'll tell you what.
I'll get my ink pad
and take his fingerprints.

Maybe the state police
have some record of him.

He looks like
a fugitive from justice.

He does?
Oh, yeah.

Ed.
Yes?

We're gonna have to guard this man.

I want you to take
the first shift tonight.

Yes, sir, Maurice.

??[ Man Singing, Faint ]
Coffee, Holling.

Scalding hot coffee, please.

Why is seven degrees in Alaska colder
than seven degrees anywhere else?

Joel, I've changed my mind.

Good. A mind that can change
is a healthy mind.

In fact, intelligence is actually determined
by the ability to adapt to new stimuli.

I've decided to go through with it.

You don't mean--

Holling, we talked about this.
You made an informed,
intelligent decision.

- What could have possibly
changed your mind?
- Hi, Dr. Fleischman.

Can you believe the Big H.?

How many guys
would get their Johnny peeled...

just to show his babe
how much he cared?

- Not many.
- When do we get to look at the pictures?

- What pictures?
- You know, for me and Holling,
to make an informed choice.

When my friend Pam got her nose
busted, the doctor showed her
pictures of all the different styles.

Long and straight,
short and turned up.

Shelly, circumcision
is not like rhinoplasty.

Oh.

Whatever then.

I'm gonna talk to the agency.
You guys are respected.

You understand the importance
of good engineering.

Yeager wasn't even an astronaut,
but he's on TV selling spark plugs.

I've got nothing against shilling
for Detroit, Frank,

but you gotta give me
something worth selling.

As far as I'm concerned, there hasn't
been a decently designed automobile
since the Toronado.

- Hey, O'Connell!
I have to ask you a question.
- Maurice, come on.

Dad, come on.
Why don't we go to my place?
G.M., Chrysler--

We all got good-looking cars.
What about the Thunderbird?

Come on, Frank.
The Thunderbird's nothin'
but a Beemer with a Yank decal.

O'Connell, hey! Hey!
Whoa! Watch it!
[ Horn Honking ]

Come on, Dad.
What's the rush?

- O'Connell!
- Hey, someone's calling you.

No, I don't think so.
That's Fleischman.
Frank, it's nice meetin' you.

I just have to ask you a question.!
Keep in touch.

- Fleischman?
- Are you deaf? You fly in a guy--
six feet, chews Juicy Fruit, good boots?

Darling!
[ Kiss ]

O'Connell.
You're back!

Why didn't you
tell me you were back?
Back?

Well, what kind of boyfriend are you?

You wouldn't think we had a close,
caring relationship,

that we'd been intimately involved
for the past six months.
Huh?

What kind of impression
does that make on my dad?

My dad, who's come all this way
to meet you, my boyfriend, the doctor,

who I've written so many
wonderful letters about.
Huh?

Nice to meet you, Joel.
Hi.

I know you have to get back to the office,
sweetheart, but hopefully we'll
have a chance to get together.

If not, I'm sure Dad will understand
how busy you are.

Margaret, you're not fooling me.
What?

I see what's going on here.
You do?

You're trying to keep me away from Joel.
She's afraid I'm gonna scare you off.

Huh.
Don't worry, Peanut.
I'm gonna be on my best behavior.

Peanut?
Come on.
Let me buy you a drink.

?? [ Classical ]

You've been listening to the adagio
from Beethoven's Seventh Symphony.

I think Ludwig pretty much
summed up death in this one.

You know, he'd just about lost
all his hearing when he wrote it,

and I've often wondered if that didn't
help him to tune into the final silence...

of the great beyond.

Apropos of all that, before I forget,
I've got a couple of scheduling changes...

for those that are looking after
the body of the unknown person.

Doreen Mayfair is nursing a sick malamute
and can't make her 7:00 p.m. shift.

Hey, Ruth-Anne, you wanted me
to let you know that you're up at 6:00.

On a happier note, congratulations
and l'chaim to Holling Vincoeur.

He's getting circumcised the day after
tomorrow by our own Dr. Fleischman.

Anybody who's not familiar
with the practice,

circumcision is the surgical removal
of the foreskin of the penis.
Ouch.

Anyway, Holling, if you're listening,
I don't know if you have plans...

for the disposal of that foreskin,
but you might wanna consider...

the Hasidic custom of burying it
under a fruit tree.

You know, a little nod
to life's cyclic nature.

Anyway, brother,
I'm gonna spin this one for you.
?? [ Fiddler on the Roof]

Ouch.

You know, Joel,
Margaret used to be so finicky.

She wouldn't step foot in a place
that didn't have linen on the table.

- Mr. O'Connell--
- Frank.

Frank, um--

Would you excuse us
for one second?

Don't be gone long, now.
I'm hungry.

Okay, O'Connell.
All right.

I just happened to mention
in a few letters to my father
that my boyfriend was a doctor.

You just happened to mention--
You just happened to mention
that your boyfriend was a doctor?

- Shh. Keep your voice down.
- ??[ Continues ]

You mean me? Me?

The person you describe as manipulative,
self-centered, subhuman?

The person who, just a few hours ago,
you compared unfavorably to a tapeworm?

Will you please keep it down?
Why?

Why would you do such a twisted,
perverted thing?

I don't now, Fleischman.
Perhaps it was an error in judgment.

An error in judgment?
It's a complete fabrication, a lie.

Why didn't you just happen to
mention the stalwart Rick?

Look, my father is this incredible
A-type achievement junkie, okay?

He wouldn't consider Rick
worthy of his little girl.

What are you, the House of Windsor?
The Romanovs?

Rick's not good enough for you?
Not me. My dad.

You don't know him.
He was the youngest
C.E.O. in automotive history.

Remember the hatchback?
That's my dad.

Who cares if he's the V-8?
Tough, can-do, ""I am woman''
Maggie O'Connell...

lies to her father like a six-year-old.

I wouldn't expect you to understand,
Fleischman.

You probably don't have parents.
You probably, you know,

crawled out full grown
out of some primordial swamp.

Why didn't you think of somebody else?
I don't know.
You just popped into my head.

I never thought you'd have to meet him.

Come on, Fleischman.
just five minutes, okay?

just a drink.
Help me out. Please?

What?
Where'd you get that dumb hat?

Okay, fine, Fleischman.
Forget it.Just forget it.

Hi, Dad. Okay, uh--All right.

- What's good here?
- Nothing. Not a thing, really.

- Where's Joel?
- Oh--

What's going on?

Well, uh, actually, Dad, he--
[Joel ]
Hi.

I was just about to tell Dad that you
really do have to get back to the office.

If that's the case, why don't you
just come over for dinner tonight?

- Oh, he can't.
- I can't?

- No, he's got an emergency in Anchorage.
- No, I don't.

- Yes, you do.
- No, I don't.

- Yes, you do.
- How does 8:00 sound?

Fine.

[ Forced Chuckle ]

[ Ed ]
Keep it moving, please.
Hi, Ed.

Hello, Mrs. Staffle.
Keep it moving, please.

Give everyone a chance.

Anybody recognize him?
Not yet, Maurice.

Hell of a turnout.

I guess tragedy brings
a town together.

[ Ed ]
Hello, George.
Hi, Ed.

[ Ed ]
Hi, Agnes.
Look at his hands.

It looks like he's worked hard
all his life.

Yeah.
He can't be more than 60.

Keep it moving, please.

I think it would've made him happy,
Ruth-Anne, to have somebody
like you mourn him.

It's all such a mystery.

Don't you worry, Ruth-Anne.

We'll find out who he is.

Oh, it's not the man, Ed.
It's life.

No matter how hard I try,
I just can't figure it out.

See you, Chris.

Keep it moving, please.

Hello, Gladys.

When Margaret was five, she was second
runner-up in the Little Miss Great Lakes.
??[Jazz ]

Really?
A lot of our friends used to say,
""Why do you push a kid into that for?''

But it was all her idea.
She begged us to be in that pageant.

You never told me this, honey.
Well--
[ Laughs ]

- What was that song you sang?
- Oh, I-I don't remember, Dad.

The one that Andy Williams's wife sang.
The woman that shot the skier.

Claudine Longet.
""Love is Blue.''
That's right.

Margaret had a beautiful voice.
And what a little ham.

- [ Chuckles ]
- Peanut, where's the scotch?

Scotch. Right.

I have to believe that Alaska
is just some kind of phase.

I used to take her camping when
she was a kid, and she hated it.

Every little bump in the night,
it was, ""Daddy, I'm scared.

- Daddy, what was that?''
- Me too.

Oh. Excuse me.
Well, these things happen.

- You look so pretty in that dress.
- She does, doesn't she?

You know, you ought to wear
a dress more often.

Let people see
this dynamite figure of yours.

Why should I be the only lucky one?
[ Chuckles ]

- ??[ Continues ]
- Well, dinner's ready.

Good.
Yeah.

??[ Classical ]
Steak and creamed corn.
That's my girl.

Maggie's a wonder.
With all she does, it's incredible.

She insists on making us
a good, hot meal every night.

I can't tell you what a comfort that
is when I drag my tired dogs
home from the office.

How long you two
been living together?
Who?

Oh, us?

I saw the aftershave in the bathroom.
Don't worry. I'm not a prude.

Margaret's mother--
Now, that's another matter.

She's a lace-curtain Bostonian.

Now, if she finds out,
she'll call the pope.

- The steak is great.
- What?

- You're smoking?
- So?

- It's just that-- I mean,
I've never seen you smoke.
- So?

You into any sports up here, Joel?

Sports? Me?
Yeah. What do you play?

Oh. Um--

Well, in the winter, it's luge.

- Luge?
- Yeah. I'm into luge.

Isn't that some kind of sled?
Yeah, but that's, uh--
That's in the winter.

In the summer, I'm--
I'm really into bungee jumping.

- What?
- Bungee jumping.

You tie an elastic cord around your ankle,
and then you jump off a bridge.

You see, Frank, I have grown really,
really tired of contact sports.

I mean, sure, you can break an ankle,
you can tear up a knee, but can you die?
Can you die?

Where is the fun in it all if defeat is
nothing more than six months in traction?

??[ Continues ]

- Have you two discussed the future?
- Dad, enough questions.

I think Joel must be exhausted
from talking so much.

No, your father's right.
He has every right to be paternal.

I'm sure you wanna know
if my intentions are honorable.

Well?
Well,

Margaret and I have had very serious
discussions about her conversion.

Conversion? To what?

- You didn't tell him?
- Tell me what?

I'm Jewish.

Oh.

The patient is a 63-year-old
male Caucasian,

Holling Vincoeur.

Mr. Vincoeur enjoys
swimming, photography...

and fresh seafood.

Today, I'm going to be operating
on Mr. Vincoeur's Johnny,

giving it a more youthful
and vigorous appearance.

So, without further ado,
here's Johnny.!

- Scalpel.
- [ Clang ]

- [ Flesh Tearing ]
- Uh-oh.

[ All ]
Oh, no.!

- Can you fix it?
- No!

??[ Woman Singing, Faint ]

When are you going in
for your circumcision, Holling?

Tomorrow.

Break a leg.

[ Shelly ]
Holling?

Uh, yes, Shelly?
Did you put this on the table?

Uh, yes.
Look. It's all smudged.

Your hand's shaking.
Well, it's-it's a bit-bit chilly in here.
[ Chuckling ]

Put on a sweater, babe.

You know, Marilyn, you can tell a lot about
a person by the contents of his pockets.

juicy Fruit, for example.
What does that suggest to you?

He liked gum.
Precisely.

Also indicates the man
had no fear of sugar.

If it were me, it would have
been Carefree, maybe Extra.

- I like Dentyne.
- Yeah, you see?

These clippers--
This is a fastidious man.

He cared about his grooming. Ah.

But here--

Now, here is a clue with resonance.

""Pick up shirt Monday''?
Right.

If we knew where that shirt was,
we could figure out who he is.

Where do you leave a shirt?
A dry cleaner, right?

We don't have a dry cleaner.
Exactly.

So we can eliminate that possibility.
Now, how about a tailor?

Maybe he needed to get
a button sewn on.

We don't have a tailor.
Okay. Okay, just stay with me.

Maybe we're onto something.
Suppose--

Suppose he had a lady friend
who did his laundry for him.

I'm goin' to lunch.

I wanna thank you for the stellar
performance last night.

- I was good, wasn't I?
- You were despicable.

You sunk to depths that
I didn't even know existed.

That you could treat my father like that--
You were sadistic, malicious.

You should be on your knees thanking me.
You needed the perfect boyfriend,
I gave you the perfect boyfriend.

Everything your dad
could want for his little Peanut.

You enjoyed it,
like some cheap con man.

I didn't weave
this web of deceit.

I wasn't the one who told your father
I was your intended.

I never said ""intended.''
I said ""boyfriend.''

- ""Boyfriend.''
- Pardon me. I stand corrected.

And what I did was different--
completely different.

Yeah, it was worse.
What a P.R.job.

That dress, the creamed corn.

And that cigarette--
It was disgusting, O'Connell.
My clothes still smell.

What is wrong with letting him
think what he wants to think?

What's the harm in that?
There's no harm. It's just that he
thinks his daughter is Barbie.

So what? So what if he does?
He lives 4,000 miles away.

That's your rationale?
That makes it all right?

[ Sighs ]
Look, I just didn't want him to worry.

Worry about what?
Me.

How long are you gonna keep this up?
I don't know.

Am I gonna have to go home
with you for Christmas?
God, no. I'll think of something.

Dr. Kolatch from Juneau
on line one.

We only have one line.

Hello. This is Dr. Fleischman.

[ Chattering ]
[Joel ]
Okay. Everybody, please listen.

I've just spoken to the medical examiner
in Juneau about an autopsy,

and he agreed, I think, quite graciously,
to take the body off our hands.

[ AllJeering ]

- What? What did I say?
- He's ours. He belongs to us.

- What are you talking about?
- He's got a kind face.

A kind face?
You said he looks like
a fugitive from justice.

Well, he's worked hard all his life.

Wait a minute.
What difference
does any of this make?

We've been sitting out
with him for two days.
We've gotten to know him.

And we're not going to ship him off
somewhere where nobody cares.

- That's right!
- [ Applause Continues ]

Listen, I think what
we're all trying to say is...

we feel a kind of
connection to this man.

I mean, we don't know him,
but in a way we do.

I mean, it's like a still pond.
You know, we see our own reflection.

Well, however you wanna put it,
this man deserves a decent funeral.

Now, our winter climate
precludes burial--

Wait-- Wait a minute.
You can't do anything...

with that body
until I sign a death certificate.

I can't sign a death certificate
until I know what he died of.

I won't know what he died of
until somebody does an autopsy.

- Then why don't you do an autopsy?
- Because I am-- I am not qualified.

Oh, don't underestimate
yourself, son.

- No, I am not a pathologist.
- Then you're going to have to
think of something.

But you're not
going to send him to Juneau.

- Right. Right.
- That's right!

[ Shouts Of Agreement ]

Okay, okay, okay! Okay.

Now, I guess they don't
actually need the whole body.

Can I at least send a few vital organs?

- Will they send 'em back?
- I suppose so. I can ask.

- All right.
- Good. The funeral for
the unknown personal take place...

as soon as practically possible,
after the return
of the said vital organs.

You'll prepare a few words? Good.

This meeting's adjourned.

[ Chattering ]
[ Sparse Applause ]

[ Holling ]
joel.!

joel.!
[ Knocking On Door ]

Yeah! Yeah!
joel.! Joel.!

joel? Whoa-ho.!

joel.!

Holling, it's 2:00 in the morning.
What are you doing here?

I'm just out for a little stroll,

and I wanted to make sure
that you're okay.

Okay, yeah. Yeah, I'm okay.
joel,

I don't want you
to worry about tomorrow.

All right.
Of course, it is a big responsibility.

But I am here to tell you...

that everything
is going to be just fine.

- Holling, are you stewed?
- You know, me and Johnny,

we've been through
thick and thin together.

All those hunting trips--
just me and Johnny and--
and the full moon.

-Johnny who?
- He's not afraid of some
little old pair of clippers.

Oh.

As for me, when I got mauled
by Jesse the bear,

I had to get 1 33 stitches.

I was sewed up by an Indian woman
who had me bite the edge of a table.

She said I had a very high
threshold of pain.

Look, Holling, you are not
going to need 1 33 stitches,

and I'm gonna give you
an anesthetic.

joel, I know you're gonna
take good care of me.

You're a fine doctor,

an excellent physician.

May I see your hands?

Your hands. Yes.
You have good hands.

Small, but good.

Holling, you don't have to
go through with this.

If you have any concerns,
bail out.

joel, I told you.

Don't worry.

You're going to be just fine.

Try to get a good night's sleep.

??[ Whistling ]

[ Wolf Howling ]

What is your story, anyway?

Why isn't anybody looking for you?

You got no family,

no friends.

Well, I'm alone myself.

I had a brother, Malcolm.

He died last year.

He owed me $8,000.

Eight thousand dollars
that I have no way of collecting.

I guess you'd think that $8,000...

wouldn't mean too much
to a man with my portfolio,

but it's the principle of the thing.

A man should not leave this earth
with unfinished business.

He should live each day
as if it was a preflight check.

He should ask each morning,
""Am I prepared for liftoff?''

Am I prepared?

[ Ticking ]

[ Alarm Ringing ]

[ Alarm Off]

They're here.
Come on in.

Shelly, there's some rags
over there in the corner.

You want to start
tearing 'em up into bandages?

just kidding.
We're a full-service facility.
[ Chuckles ]

Holling, you can drop your drawers
and hop up on the table here.

Aren't you gonna give him
some gas or something?

I don't think it's necessary.
Do you, Holling?

- Not if you don't, Joel.
- Well, then, shall we?

- Isn't this gonna hurt?
- Well, Holling has
a pretty high pain threshold.

I'm sure you're familiar with
the story of Jesse the bear. Good.

[ Creaking ]

Take your pants off.

Wait a minute.
This is all happening so fast.

Shelly, I have a room full
of patients out there.
If we're gonna do it, let's do it.

- Well--
- Whoa! What is this?

What is what?
This-- here on your neck.

Oh, uh, th-that's nothing, Joel.

Holling, he's a doctor.
It's a hickey.

- I guess I got a little carried away.
- Hmm?

What?
Well, when did he get this?

- Night before last.
- It still hasn't healed?

- Mmm.
- What?

- He could have a bleeding diathesis.
- A bleeding what?

When your blood doesn't clot
as fast as it should.

You know, the penis
is an extremely vascular area.

If you do have a bleeding problem,
this could be very serious.

- Oh?
- Oh, boy. Uh-uh. I don't--

I-I-I can't perform this surgery.

What?
I'm sure I'll be all right, Joel.

If this were a life-threatening condition
that required surgical intervention,
I'd go ahead and do it.

But this is elective cosmetic surgery.
I can't do it.

I can't.
I cannot put you at risk.

I know how much you want this, Holling.
I feel terrible.

You come to me with a simple request--
one simple little request.

What do I do? I fail you.

You know how that makes me feel?
Impotent, like a failure.

- Well--
- In medical school, they try
to prepare you for this. They do.

They tell you
there'll be tough decisions,
times when you have to...

hold someone's fate in your hand,
times when you are forced to play God.

But nothing really prepares you
for times like this. Nothing.

Can you ever forgive me?
Can you?

Well, uh--
Oh, Holling, I know you're really
bummed out about this.

But it's like my grandma always says:

""It's not the gift that counts.
It's the thought.''

And to tell you the truth,
I like your little turtleneck.

You do?
Mm-hmm.

Really?
I think it's bitchin'.

[ Laughs ]
joel--

joel, all is forgiven.

Margaret, have you seen my razor?

Oh, I think I packed it.

You're packing my bag?
Well, Dad, I don't want you
to miss your plane.

Margaret, we've got three hours.

I know, but-but this is the time of year--
the avalanches-- I--

Why do I get the feeling
you're trying to get rid of me?
Don't be silly.

Margaret, if this has anything to do
with me and Joel,

I want you to know I like him.

You do?
Yes.

Dad, uh, you don't think he's
a little full of himself?

I forgive that in a young man.
And condescending?

That too.
I like him. I really like him.

Dad, my boyfriend's name is Rick.
He's a bush pilot.

He's not particularly smart.
He's never been to college.
He has no plans or goals.

You'd hate him.

[ Door Opens ]

- What?
- Well, I-- I lied about Joel, Dad,

because I figured he was the kind of guy
you'd want me to go out with.

- The other night was a sham.
- Why?

Why? Because all my life,
I've gotten nothing but grief from you
over the guys I went out with.

- They were never good enough.
- Well, they weren't.

- See?
- See what?

Dad, you have this image of me
in white gloves and patent leather shoes--

Daddy's little girl.

That's not me.
No, it's not your fault. It's mine.

I played into it.
I let you think what you wanna think.

This is who I am.

I live in Alaska. I fly a plane.
My boyfriend's name is Rick.

I don't cook,
and I hardly ever wear a dress.

- Dad, what I'm trying to say is--
- I know what you're trying to say.

I'm not a fool, Margaret.

I promised your mother I'd pick up
a pair of those fleece-lined moccasins.

So let me get this off my face,
and we'll stop at
that little store in town.

And 1 8, 1 9 and 20.
Thank you.

I'm sure your wife will love these.
[Joel ] Ruth-Anne, you get in
those cotton swabs?

They're in the back room, Joel.
Hello, Joel.

Oh. Frank.
I'm leaving now. Back home.

Oh, well, you have a good trip.
It's been a pleasure.

Maybe one of these days,
Maggie and I'll get down to Grosse Pointe.

It's funny. You always think
your kids'll reach an age...

when you'll stop worrying about them,
but they never do.

Makes me feel better knowing that Maggie
has someone up here she can count on.

Bungee jumping?

[ Door Opens ]

The fact that we don't know this man
isn't important really,

'cause his experience
is our experience,

and his fate up here is our fate.

[ Speaking Latin ]
Says the preacher.

""All is vanity. '"

I think that's a pretty good epitaph
for all of us.

When we're stripped
of all our worldly possessions...

and all our fame
and family, friends,

we all face death alone.

But it's that solitude in death
that's our common bond in life.

I know it's ironic,
but that's just the way things are.

[ Latin ]

""Only when we understand
all is vanity, only then it isn't.''

Sometimes I have trouble
following his train of thought.

Anybody like to say anything else?

Maggie.
I would.
I'd like to read a poem.

""Let me not to the marriage
of true minds admit impediments.

""Love is not love which alters
when it alteration finds,

"or bends with the remover
to remove.

"Oh, no.
It is an ever-fixed mark...

"that looks on tempests
and is never shaken.

""It is the star for every
wandering bark,

"whose worth's unknown,
although his height be taken.

"Love's not Time's fool,
though rosy lips and cheeks...

"within his bending sickle's
compass come.

""Love alters not with
its brief hours and weeks,

""but bears it out
even to the edge of doom.

"If this be error
and upon me proved,

I never writ,
nor no man ever loved.''

Boy, she sure can write.

You okay?

Ashes to ashes and dust to dust.