No Activity (2015–2016): Season 2, Episode 1 - Missing Persons - full transcript
Priority one.
1-5-1 in progress.
I repeat, 1-5-1 in progress.
We've got a code 7. I'm sending backup.
Car 72 responding.
We are heading south
along Tenement Avenue,
heading towards location.
Code 7. It's a priority 1.
Car 72, come in.
- Almost there.
- Nearly there, nearly there.
Use of deadly force is authorised.
- Straight through the lights.
- Yep, yep, yep.
Right, right, right.
Oh, God.
Left here. Left, left.
That's it. Left, left, left!
Where is he? Where is he?
Okay, I've got a visual on
the suspect, first floor.
Shh! Got a visual on the suspect.
Stokes, are you sure?
- I'm sure.
- We have the shot.
Take the shot.
Stokes, take the shot!
Pew! Pew!
- Head shot.
- Okay, end of drill.
- Yes!
- Yes.
- Nailed it.
- Whoo!
- How did we go?
- 17min 38sec response time.
- Not bad.
- Not bad.
Yeah, it's not great either.
Yeah, but we had all the traffic
at the Domain.
There was a Rock Eisteddfod on.
Lots of kids we had to try not to hit.
As long as you're happy with it,
that's the important thing.
- I'm happy with it.
- Me too.
- See you at the station.
- Thanks, boys. Thank you.
Good job.
There's a nice little pho place
around the corner.
- We just ate.
- Oh.
- And it's pronounced "fuh".
- What is?
Vietnamese soup.
Is that what you're talking about?
- "Fuh".
- "Fuh".
- There's a nice "fah" place...
- Nuh.
There's a nice "farh" place
around the corner.
- No.
- There's a nice "fah"...
- "Fuh".
- "Fah".
- "Fuh".
- "Fuh".
- Ask me.
- "Fah"?
Ask the whole thing.
- There's a nice "fah" place...
- No, no.
There's a nice "fah"
place around the corner.
- There's a nice "fah" place...
- No.
- There's a nice "fah"...
- No.
- Nice "furh"...
- Come on.
All right. Nice "furh"
place around the corner.
- Almost.
- Nice "furh" place.
- Almost.
- Nice "fuh" place around the corner.
- Again.
- Nice "fuh" place around the corner.
- Yeah?
- And it's "Cheap Tuesday".
- Okay, let's do it.
- All right.
♪ Out here on my own ♪
♪ Why's it always take so long? ♪
♪ I'm ready for the moment ♪
♪ Forget about the future ♪
♪ I'm ready for the pressure to blow. ♪
Businessman Bernard
Doolan and his wife, Elizabeth,
have been reported missing
from their home.
We're currently investigating
the whereabouts of the Doolans.
At this stage,
there is a missing persons case.
But rest assured, we have some of
our finest detectives on the job.
This is such a waste of time.
I mean, they've... they probably
weren't even kidnapped.
Missing persons?
It's... ridiculous.
Even if they were kidnapped, as if
they're gonna walk back in here.
Bloody ridiculous.
I really should change
this profile picture.
Would you... would you try taking
a new profile pic for me, all right?
I'm just... This doe-eyed
hipster one thing doesn't...
I... I've ploughed that field.
Exhausted all the women in that market.
Did you just refer to yourself
as a hipster?
Yeah, it's just, like, the whole
little bad-boy thing going on there.
You mean your moustache?
Is that what you're talking about?
- Yeah, absolutely.
- THAT moustache?
- This one.
- That one?
Yeah. Don't touch it.
I don't see how that's hipster at
all. Why do you think it's hipster?
Well, it is, because I read
this funny thing the other day
about the 10 reasons you are a hipster.
- And number one...
- Yeah?
Number one is if you participate
in Movember all year round.
I do that.
- Do you?
- Yeah.
- Do you?
- Yeah, it funny.
I've never known you to contribute
to research for testicular cancer.
Testicles?
Why did you say that?
Because it's about donating money
to testicular cancer research.
- It's... it's not.
- Isn't it?
No, it's just about
growing a funny moustache
and wearing it around the office
and giving everyone a laugh.
Then you trim it down
towards the end of it.
See, this is the thing that kills me
about these fad charities.
- It's... it's...
- Did you say fag charities?
- FAD.
- Sorry.
- Charities.
- Right.
Everybody forgets what the cause is
and it's just about
being zany in the office,
being a good ol' boy around the office.
It's about testicular cancer research.
Drop the zaniness,
just donate to AIDS research
because you're a decent person.
- AIDS?
- Yeah.
They've pretty much cured
that one, though, haven't they?
Pretty much not.
If I said to you "full-blown blah",
full-blown something,
what'd be the next word
you would think of?
- Full-blown...
- Dickhead.
- No. Full-blown...
- Fuck stick.
- No! Full-blown...
- Arse face.
- Full-blown AIDS!
- Right.
'Full-blown' doesn't go
with anything else.
There's three other things
I just thought of that go well.
I've never heard that
in the same phrase.
You'll hear them a bit more
from now on, I think.
Neddy
and that new bloke got the package?
Mate, safe and sound out west.
- Any heat?
- Nah, the cops are clueless.
- Just poking around the harbour.
- Okay.
Who's gonna notice that we're missing?
I have no idea, Elizabeth.
Someone from your office.
Fiona or Marcus, one of them.
- They'll... they'll clue in.
- No.
It wouldn't be someone from my office
because I work from home half the time,
I have several offices.
I think it would probably be, er,
Claudia when she comes on Thursday.
But we're never there.
We're never there on Thursday.
No, she'll notice
when she doesn't get paid, darling.
She's auto-paid, darling.
No, there's got to be someone else.
Um, er...
Oh, Grace!
- Who's Grace?
- Grace is my best friend.
- Grace is your best friend?
- My best friend.
Darling, I have never heard you
mention the name Grace
in the entire time I have known you.
Excuse me! Grace, I met her at
French cooking class last year.
- Oh, that woman.
- December.
- Grace.
- Oh, yes. The melted hobbit.
That's disgusting.
- Darling, she has...
- That is absolutely disgusting.
The worst work done on her face.
Darling, there's no need to lash out
because you don't have a best friend
and I do.
- I don't have a best friend?
- No, darling, you don't.
Really? Well, that is going to be
news to Elliot Gough.
Elliot Gough?
Yes, darling.
Elliot Gough, my best friend.
When was the last time
you saw Elliot Gough?
It doesn't matter how often
I see him, Elizabeth.
The point is he's my best friend.
Oh, really? He's your best friend?
Tell me, how many children does he have?
Oh! We're gonna do a quiz now, are we?
- He has three children, darling.
- And what are their names, darling?
Test me on the names.
You are... beyond...
William, Kate and Jack.
Oh, Jack? Jack?
- Yes, his youngest.
- Oh.
- Adorable little thing.
- Really?
So Elliot Gough has a son named Jack?
Yes.
So his name is Jack Gough, "Jack Off"?
- Oh...
- That's his name?
I'm sure they don't say it like that.
I think we can agree it won't be
Elliot Gough or his son, "Jack Off".
I'm not best friends
with his children, darling!
That would be weird.
If I was keeping track of the
children's names of all my friends...
"Ooh, what's your children's names?
What's your children's..."
"What's... Oh, what's his name?"
- You haven't spoken...
- I don't know his children's names!
- I don't need to know...
- to Elliot Gough since 1995!
What his children's names are for him...
Keep it quiet down there!
God, now they're angry.
- What did you do that for?
- You started it.
Yeah, keep it down!
Neddy, when do you reckon
the boss is gonna call me?
I don't know, mate.
That's what we're waiting for.
So when he calls, we're gonna do
the ransom call then, right?
- After he calls and lets us know?
- Mate, we don't do the ransom call.
What do you mean
we don't do the ransom call?
We don't do the ransom call.
We're the kidnappers,
we've done the kidnapping,
someone else does the ransom call.
- Who does the ransom call?
- I don't know.
I'm not the ransom call guy,
otherwise I'd know.
I'm the kidnapping guy.
I'm a really good ransom caller
as well, man. I'm really good.
Do you want to hear it?
- No.
- Yeah, yeah.
I'll do it, you don't have to listen.
Why not just don't do it
and I won't have to listen?
Hello.
Yes, I am the kidnapper.
I have your people here.
I will kill them.
You make a move.
Ball is on your court. Ta-ta.
What the fuck
is with that Indian accent?
Mate, that's it.
That's the logic of it all, right?
- Ta-ta?
- Like the English, colonial English.
Ta-ta. Right?
They're gonna know.
They're gonna not expect it
to be a Subcontinent guy.
They're gonna expect it to be
a white guy, right, doing an accent.
So, like, they're not gonna
think it's me.
They're gonna look at me
and they're gonna go,
"That guy doesn't sound Indian
or Sri Lankan. That guy..."
No, they're not. They're gonna go,
"It's an Indian guy."
They'll look at you,
go, "A fucking Indian guy."
Racist.
They don't give a fuck
if they're racist.
They'll go, "Here's an Indian guy
on the fucking phone."
"Here's an Indian guy
standing in front of me.
- "It's a fucking Indian guy."
- They're not gonna think it's me.
They'll go, "Mate,
he wouldn't be dumb enough"
"to put on an Indian accent
as an Indian."
You know what else?
I'm not Indian. I'm Sri Lankan.
So they've already fucked that up.
They'll be looking around going,
"Hmm, who would be stupid enough"
"to put on an Indian accent?"
A white bloke.
Thinking ahead.
Forward planning.
How would you do it?
You're gonna do a call. How?
I wouldn't do it.
- Yeah, but if you had to.
- I don't have to.
But just imagine!
I wouldn't do
a stupid fucking Indian accent!
Right, then, how would you do it?
It's not even intimidating.
You do an intimidating accent.
Come on, just show me
how you would do it.
How would you scare me?
How would you intimidate me?
Give me the fucking...
I'm gonna fucking do it now!
They're gonna fucking die!
I'll fucking kill them!
Mate, if I got that call, I'd be scared.
But I wouldn't know
what I was scared about.
- Anything turn up?
- Negative.
Yes, I'm on the phone to him now, Lachy.
He's my boyfriend and you're my son.
I'm not taking sides.
Hang on. Just hang on a minute.
It's Lachy on the other phone.
He's... he's denying it.
So I... I don't know.
It's just a mystery.
I... Well, hey, you can...
You're both just gonna have to wait
until I get home
if you can't sort it out yourselves.
Beau and Lachy again?
Yeah.
Just standard World War III.
- Oh, standard.
- Yeah.
Well, this time Beau thinks Lachy
has done a turd in his work boot.
- So...
- Okay.
There's obviously a turd in there.
Lachy knows nothing about it.
Beau thinks it's definitely
Lachy's done it.
And we don't even know
if it's a human turd.
It could be a dog turd.
We've had one good week
in the two months
he's been living with us, I reckon.
You know, we had the incident
with the sticky stuff in the toolbox
and then the hair in the sandwich.
- The pubic hair?
- We don't know it was pubic hair.
Okay, yeah. Sorry, that's right.
- They just can't get along.
- Yeah.
Now I'm just caught between Beau,
my beau Beau,
you know, Lachy,
and the turd in the boot.
You could always just take a bit
down to the lab
and find out whose it is.
Oh, what? So I'll knock off tonight
and then go home.
And, you know,
instead of, like, just, you know,
putting the bag down and having
a glass of wine or something and...
No, no, no!
I'll go to the work boot,
get a bit of the turd out,
put it in a Ziploc bag
and run it down to the lab.
That's... that sounds like
a top night, that does.
That's a brilliant idea.
Well, it was just an idea.
Yeah. Would...
It would probably put a bit of closure
on the mystery, though, wouldn't it?
Yeah.
And they do owe me a favour,
those boys at the lab.
Can you hang on a minute?
Yeah, have you still got it?
Yeah, yeah.
Don't touch it. Just leave it.
Maybe we should
just do my profile picture,
you know, and get my gun.
- Oh, okay.
- All right.
Maybe I should, um...
Could I fire off a round?
- You reckon you could capture that?
- We're not gonna do that.
- Maybe a...
- Just hold it up.
You know, "The Deer Hunter" thing.
Yeah, what does he say
when the guy's slapping him?
"Dickidy tie! Dickidy tie!"
- "Dick in a tie?"
- No.
- Is that what you want to put?
- Er, "Titty mau! Titty mau!"
- "Titty mau"?
- Forget it.
You know, put it up in front,
like, James Bond style.
- Like that, eh?
- Close to your face.
Just a profile, profile. Sean Connery.
Lick it, lick it.
Lick the whole length of it.
- Lick the full shaft of it.
- No. I don't like...
- Okay, lose the gun.
- All right.
All right, let's just go
with the same idea.
You're a desperate...
you're a desperado.
You know, you're on the
run from the law. You're desperate.
You'll do anything.
You'll do anything.
You're desperate for...
You're desperate to find something.
You're hungry and you're begging.
You're a desperate...
desperate older man.
You're a desperate old man
begging for love.
You're a desperate old man
and you're begging love,
pathetically throwing yourself
on the mercy of some...
- Errr!
- Poor woman who is just...
Why would I do this? This is not
the image that I was going for.
I think that's it. That's good actually.
- I'm not gonna use that.
- No, that's it.
- Go back to the hipster one.
- No, this is much better.
- Why?
- Because it's you.
That's actually honest.
- That's not me.
- Yes, it is.
That's not me.
You don't recognise it, but it is you.
And that'll attract the women
you'll be most comfortable with.
- Which is not a bad idea.
- No, that's a good idea.
To find the perfect match.
You know, you might not get
a lot of hits.
- But the ones you get...
- Will matter.
- Will be ready to accept you...
- They'll stick.
- For what you are.
- All right.
This.
God, these things are so soft.
My mum's booties.
Wait.
What are they doing, like,
in this ransom house?
Like, did you bring them with you?
It's my mum's house.
This is your mum's house?
Yeah. Whose did you think it was?
I dunno. It feels like
some kind of ransom house.
Ransom house?
How do you get a ransom house?
Go up to a friend, say,
"Can we kidnap some people"
"and put 'em down in your house?"
Where's your mum?
Mum's gone.
Gee, sorry to hear that, mate.
When did she pass?
Hey?
When did your mum pass away?
Oh, she's not dead.
She's in a home.
Hardest thing I ever had to do.
The mind goes, doesn't it?
Oh, no, Mum's perfectly fine.
That... that made it harder.
Body? Like, she's in a wheelchair?
Like, arthritis? Just...
No, she's a health nut.
Still walks to work.
She walks to work?
Well, yeah.
I've got her car, so she has to.
Got, like, a little... little job?
Canteen or something?
No, she's full-time.
How old is she?
57.
She's in a home and she's 57?
Well, there's never a good time.
Well, think about it.
You think you want to put your mum
through this kind
of traumatic experience
when she's lost her marbles?
She won't even know
what the fuck's going on.
This way, you can actually sit down
and have a reasonable conversation
about it,
go, "Mum, you're going in the home."
So does she like it?
She's having a good time?
Well, none of them like it.
I don't know how to say this, but I
don't think she should be in a home.
We all make sacrifices, mate.
I've got to look after the house.
Got to look after her car.
That's life.
Car 72, please report.
- Car 72, please report.
- Yeah, nah, that's April.
- I'll take that.
- It doesn't...
Car 72, come in.
April, this is Detective Stokes here,
not Hendy.
So no need for concern.
I know things got a bit weird
between you there, so it's okay,
if you have any future correspondence
you can deal directly with me.
Er, er... this... this is Hendy.
Car 72. No activity.
Thank you. Copy that.
Oh, Jesus.
- What's going on there?
- Oh, it's just... it's awkward.
Oh, sounds awkward.
What... what happened?
April and I had a little misfire,
as you remember.
After that, we got back in touch,
kind of started seeing each other,
really casual, right?
And my car was in the shop
and he'd just texted,
and I remembered he had
the four-wheel drive, and so...
She goes,
"Hey, my family's got a coast house.
- "Wanna come away for the weekend?"
- "So I can have a lift."
So I can get a lift, totally.
We get there, right,
on the Friday night,
whole family's there.
Ooh.
Anyway, the next morning we went
for a swim in this creek nearby.
And we get there, we all take
our clothes off, jump in.
- We're just splashing around...
- What, just nude?
- Having a nice time.
- The whole family, nude?
Yeah.
- Completely nude.
- Oh, God!
- Middle of the day?
- Mate, it was bright summer.
Bri... Like, there was no shade.
Everything was in HD.
- I just couldn't...
- Ohhh!
It was like, "Oh, God!"
So it was, like, a nudie area?
No, it wasn't a nudist area.
This other family nearby
sees what's going on,
pack up their stuff, leave.
And then we started
the water Olympics that we do,
which is so fun, we got, like, um...
- That's in the nude too?
- Yeah. It's all in the nude.
And they're all like, "Come on, Hendy!"
"Take your swimmers off!
Come on! It's fun!"
- No!
- No.
The dad comes up behind me,
completely dacks me
and smacks me on the arse.
- Ooh!
- It was hysterical.
Fuck, it was funny.
But he got right into it.
And then, you know, you have
handstand competitions, tunnel ball.
We're up on the bank playing tunnel
ball, Grandad's right in front of me.
- You're at the back.
- Oh, God!
Just looking right up the tunnel.
We all took turns
looking at each other's bits.
- It was abuse.
- Hmm.
We got, like, piggyback wrestling,
and I'm on my dad's shoulders
and Mum's on Hendy's shoulders.
- Oh, what was that like?
- Like a sodden taco.
Ohh.
We're all getting along,
and then I start to notice
that Hendy's just, like,
staring at something.
And I follow his eye line.
He's staring at my dad's dick.
Staring at your dad's dick?
Staring at my dad's dick.
At some point there we're playing
Marco Polo. "Marco! Polo!"
I'm like, "Fuck this.
I'm out of here." I leave.
- Fair enough.
- Back to the house.
"Meet you later, weird family."
Anyway, later, in the bedroom,
I sat him down.
I was like, "Can we just talk about
the elephant in the room here?"
And she's like, "Hey, Hendy,
I know today was a bit weird."
- Yes.
- "Yeah. Yeah, it was a bit weird."
"Thanks for saying so, April."
And she goes...
"Look, I know my dad's dick's
bigger than your dick"
"and it doesn't matter to me."
- Oh.
- Oh? Oh?
Yeah, now I understand
why it was so weird now.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- That her dad's dick's bigger.
- No!
- That's weird.
- No, that's not the poi...
Did you hear everything
that I just said?
They were nude and forcing me
to be nude, and all the...
That's the weird thing.
But it was... bigger?
- He's not circumcised.
- Oh.
Interesting.
I didn't ask for that point
of, um, detail, but all the same...
The point is she's got
a weird family, she's the weird one.
This isn't about me or my dick.
And it actually just kind of
ruined the weekend.
After that, it was like,
"What's happened to him?"
- Like he just... shut down.
- Hmm.
I can understand why things are tense.
- But was it bigger?
- No further comment.
All right, all right.
Not even a little...
No.
Let's leave it at that.
- How about his balls?
- Lower.
- Yeah?
- They were lower.
- You'd see that.
- I did.
There's gonna be someone
who's gonna notice
or someone who's gonna, um...
- Silly how hard this is.
- Yeah, a little...
- Um, er... er...
- Oh.
No, no, no. I've got it.
I've got it, I've got it, I've got it.
It's... it's, um...
- You don't have it.
- I do, I do.
- I've got it.
- Do you have it or not?
- Because otherwise I'll say one.
- Just give me a minute.
Just give me a second.
Um, it would be, um...
My brother, I haven't spoken to for...
God, years.
Er... Mmm.
It's moments like these you wish
you had parents who were alive.
- Um...
- My mother IS alive.
Well, I know she's technically alive.
But she's certainly not someone
who's going to notice us missing.
I mean, she wouldn't notice
if her teeth were missing, darling.
Okay, you know, Bernie, please.
Who else? Um...
I've got it, I've got it. Of cou...
- Who?
- The kidnappers.
The kidnappers. They have to get
their money, their ransom.
They will contact someone
and make demands
and that person will then realise
and we will be set free.
Darling, I think you solved it.
Wait, who will the kidnappers contact?
- That's it.
- Oh, no, wait.
Can I do it?
- Come on, please, please.
- Go on, go on.
Great!
- Hey, boss.
- You've done it?
Yeah, it's done. It's totally done.
Yeah. Right.
Downstairs. Downstairs.
They're both tied up.
And, um, safe and sound.
They're not going anywhere.
They?
The husband and the wife.
They're both tied up.
What the fuck you saying?
You got them both?
Yeah, yeah. I got 'em both.
Got 'em both, right here.
Oh, Jesus fucking Christ!
Who the hell is gonna pay
the fucking ransom?
- N...
- Hey? Oh, Jesus fucking...
Yeah, right. No, I thought...
You don't get paid to fucking think!
What?
He said to get one.
One?
He... he said... he said, "They?"
And I was like, "Yeah,
the husband and wife."
And, like, that's what...
He said, "Not they. Just the wife."
But when he told me when he...
to do this job,
like, he was, like, "Go get her."
But then when he wanted
both of us to do it,
I was like, "Obviously, you're gonna
get one and I'm gonna get the other."
But then, like, right now,
he's saying to me,
you know, he's meant to pay the ransom.
So, like, how's he gonna pay the
ransom when he's down there and...
Oh, for fuck's sake.
No, look, look. Neddy, I'm sorry.
I didn't realise. I just...
They don't sound happy.
No, no, no. This isn't good.
1-5-1 in progress.
I repeat, 1-5-1 in progress.
We've got a code 7. I'm sending backup.
Car 72 responding.
We are heading south
along Tenement Avenue,
heading towards location.
Code 7. It's a priority 1.
Car 72, come in.
- Almost there.
- Nearly there, nearly there.
Use of deadly force is authorised.
- Straight through the lights.
- Yep, yep, yep.
Right, right, right.
Oh, God.
Left here. Left, left.
That's it. Left, left, left!
Where is he? Where is he?
Okay, I've got a visual on
the suspect, first floor.
Shh! Got a visual on the suspect.
Stokes, are you sure?
- I'm sure.
- We have the shot.
Take the shot.
Stokes, take the shot!
Pew! Pew!
- Head shot.
- Okay, end of drill.
- Yes!
- Yes.
- Nailed it.
- Whoo!
- How did we go?
- 17min 38sec response time.
- Not bad.
- Not bad.
Yeah, it's not great either.
Yeah, but we had all the traffic
at the Domain.
There was a Rock Eisteddfod on.
Lots of kids we had to try not to hit.
As long as you're happy with it,
that's the important thing.
- I'm happy with it.
- Me too.
- See you at the station.
- Thanks, boys. Thank you.
Good job.
There's a nice little pho place
around the corner.
- We just ate.
- Oh.
- And it's pronounced "fuh".
- What is?
Vietnamese soup.
Is that what you're talking about?
- "Fuh".
- "Fuh".
- There's a nice "fah" place...
- Nuh.
There's a nice "farh" place
around the corner.
- No.
- There's a nice "fah"...
- "Fuh".
- "Fah".
- "Fuh".
- "Fuh".
- Ask me.
- "Fah"?
Ask the whole thing.
- There's a nice "fah" place...
- No, no.
There's a nice "fah"
place around the corner.
- There's a nice "fah" place...
- No.
- There's a nice "fah"...
- No.
- Nice "furh"...
- Come on.
All right. Nice "furh"
place around the corner.
- Almost.
- Nice "furh" place.
- Almost.
- Nice "fuh" place around the corner.
- Again.
- Nice "fuh" place around the corner.
- Yeah?
- And it's "Cheap Tuesday".
- Okay, let's do it.
- All right.
♪ Out here on my own ♪
♪ Why's it always take so long? ♪
♪ I'm ready for the moment ♪
♪ Forget about the future ♪
♪ I'm ready for the pressure to blow. ♪
Businessman Bernard
Doolan and his wife, Elizabeth,
have been reported missing
from their home.
We're currently investigating
the whereabouts of the Doolans.
At this stage,
there is a missing persons case.
But rest assured, we have some of
our finest detectives on the job.
This is such a waste of time.
I mean, they've... they probably
weren't even kidnapped.
Missing persons?
It's... ridiculous.
Even if they were kidnapped, as if
they're gonna walk back in here.
Bloody ridiculous.
I really should change
this profile picture.
Would you... would you try taking
a new profile pic for me, all right?
I'm just... This doe-eyed
hipster one thing doesn't...
I... I've ploughed that field.
Exhausted all the women in that market.
Did you just refer to yourself
as a hipster?
Yeah, it's just, like, the whole
little bad-boy thing going on there.
You mean your moustache?
Is that what you're talking about?
- Yeah, absolutely.
- THAT moustache?
- This one.
- That one?
Yeah. Don't touch it.
I don't see how that's hipster at
all. Why do you think it's hipster?
Well, it is, because I read
this funny thing the other day
about the 10 reasons you are a hipster.
- And number one...
- Yeah?
Number one is if you participate
in Movember all year round.
I do that.
- Do you?
- Yeah.
- Do you?
- Yeah, it funny.
I've never known you to contribute
to research for testicular cancer.
Testicles?
Why did you say that?
Because it's about donating money
to testicular cancer research.
- It's... it's not.
- Isn't it?
No, it's just about
growing a funny moustache
and wearing it around the office
and giving everyone a laugh.
Then you trim it down
towards the end of it.
See, this is the thing that kills me
about these fad charities.
- It's... it's...
- Did you say fag charities?
- FAD.
- Sorry.
- Charities.
- Right.
Everybody forgets what the cause is
and it's just about
being zany in the office,
being a good ol' boy around the office.
It's about testicular cancer research.
Drop the zaniness,
just donate to AIDS research
because you're a decent person.
- AIDS?
- Yeah.
They've pretty much cured
that one, though, haven't they?
Pretty much not.
If I said to you "full-blown blah",
full-blown something,
what'd be the next word
you would think of?
- Full-blown...
- Dickhead.
- No. Full-blown...
- Fuck stick.
- No! Full-blown...
- Arse face.
- Full-blown AIDS!
- Right.
'Full-blown' doesn't go
with anything else.
There's three other things
I just thought of that go well.
I've never heard that
in the same phrase.
You'll hear them a bit more
from now on, I think.
Neddy
and that new bloke got the package?
Mate, safe and sound out west.
- Any heat?
- Nah, the cops are clueless.
- Just poking around the harbour.
- Okay.
Who's gonna notice that we're missing?
I have no idea, Elizabeth.
Someone from your office.
Fiona or Marcus, one of them.
- They'll... they'll clue in.
- No.
It wouldn't be someone from my office
because I work from home half the time,
I have several offices.
I think it would probably be, er,
Claudia when she comes on Thursday.
But we're never there.
We're never there on Thursday.
No, she'll notice
when she doesn't get paid, darling.
She's auto-paid, darling.
No, there's got to be someone else.
Um, er...
Oh, Grace!
- Who's Grace?
- Grace is my best friend.
- Grace is your best friend?
- My best friend.
Darling, I have never heard you
mention the name Grace
in the entire time I have known you.
Excuse me! Grace, I met her at
French cooking class last year.
- Oh, that woman.
- December.
- Grace.
- Oh, yes. The melted hobbit.
That's disgusting.
- Darling, she has...
- That is absolutely disgusting.
The worst work done on her face.
Darling, there's no need to lash out
because you don't have a best friend
and I do.
- I don't have a best friend?
- No, darling, you don't.
Really? Well, that is going to be
news to Elliot Gough.
Elliot Gough?
Yes, darling.
Elliot Gough, my best friend.
When was the last time
you saw Elliot Gough?
It doesn't matter how often
I see him, Elizabeth.
The point is he's my best friend.
Oh, really? He's your best friend?
Tell me, how many children does he have?
Oh! We're gonna do a quiz now, are we?
- He has three children, darling.
- And what are their names, darling?
Test me on the names.
You are... beyond...
William, Kate and Jack.
Oh, Jack? Jack?
- Yes, his youngest.
- Oh.
- Adorable little thing.
- Really?
So Elliot Gough has a son named Jack?
Yes.
So his name is Jack Gough, "Jack Off"?
- Oh...
- That's his name?
I'm sure they don't say it like that.
I think we can agree it won't be
Elliot Gough or his son, "Jack Off".
I'm not best friends
with his children, darling!
That would be weird.
If I was keeping track of the
children's names of all my friends...
"Ooh, what's your children's names?
What's your children's..."
"What's... Oh, what's his name?"
- You haven't spoken...
- I don't know his children's names!
- I don't need to know...
- to Elliot Gough since 1995!
What his children's names are for him...
Keep it quiet down there!
God, now they're angry.
- What did you do that for?
- You started it.
Yeah, keep it down!
Neddy, when do you reckon
the boss is gonna call me?
I don't know, mate.
That's what we're waiting for.
So when he calls, we're gonna do
the ransom call then, right?
- After he calls and lets us know?
- Mate, we don't do the ransom call.
What do you mean
we don't do the ransom call?
We don't do the ransom call.
We're the kidnappers,
we've done the kidnapping,
someone else does the ransom call.
- Who does the ransom call?
- I don't know.
I'm not the ransom call guy,
otherwise I'd know.
I'm the kidnapping guy.
I'm a really good ransom caller
as well, man. I'm really good.
Do you want to hear it?
- No.
- Yeah, yeah.
I'll do it, you don't have to listen.
Why not just don't do it
and I won't have to listen?
Hello.
Yes, I am the kidnapper.
I have your people here.
I will kill them.
You make a move.
Ball is on your court. Ta-ta.
What the fuck
is with that Indian accent?
Mate, that's it.
That's the logic of it all, right?
- Ta-ta?
- Like the English, colonial English.
Ta-ta. Right?
They're gonna know.
They're gonna not expect it
to be a Subcontinent guy.
They're gonna expect it to be
a white guy, right, doing an accent.
So, like, they're not gonna
think it's me.
They're gonna look at me
and they're gonna go,
"That guy doesn't sound Indian
or Sri Lankan. That guy..."
No, they're not. They're gonna go,
"It's an Indian guy."
They'll look at you,
go, "A fucking Indian guy."
Racist.
They don't give a fuck
if they're racist.
They'll go, "Here's an Indian guy
on the fucking phone."
"Here's an Indian guy
standing in front of me.
- "It's a fucking Indian guy."
- They're not gonna think it's me.
They'll go, "Mate,
he wouldn't be dumb enough"
"to put on an Indian accent
as an Indian."
You know what else?
I'm not Indian. I'm Sri Lankan.
So they've already fucked that up.
They'll be looking around going,
"Hmm, who would be stupid enough"
"to put on an Indian accent?"
A white bloke.
Thinking ahead.
Forward planning.
How would you do it?
You're gonna do a call. How?
I wouldn't do it.
- Yeah, but if you had to.
- I don't have to.
But just imagine!
I wouldn't do
a stupid fucking Indian accent!
Right, then, how would you do it?
It's not even intimidating.
You do an intimidating accent.
Come on, just show me
how you would do it.
How would you scare me?
How would you intimidate me?
Give me the fucking...
I'm gonna fucking do it now!
They're gonna fucking die!
I'll fucking kill them!
Mate, if I got that call, I'd be scared.
But I wouldn't know
what I was scared about.
- Anything turn up?
- Negative.
Yes, I'm on the phone to him now, Lachy.
He's my boyfriend and you're my son.
I'm not taking sides.
Hang on. Just hang on a minute.
It's Lachy on the other phone.
He's... he's denying it.
So I... I don't know.
It's just a mystery.
I... Well, hey, you can...
You're both just gonna have to wait
until I get home
if you can't sort it out yourselves.
Beau and Lachy again?
Yeah.
Just standard World War III.
- Oh, standard.
- Yeah.
Well, this time Beau thinks Lachy
has done a turd in his work boot.
- So...
- Okay.
There's obviously a turd in there.
Lachy knows nothing about it.
Beau thinks it's definitely
Lachy's done it.
And we don't even know
if it's a human turd.
It could be a dog turd.
We've had one good week
in the two months
he's been living with us, I reckon.
You know, we had the incident
with the sticky stuff in the toolbox
and then the hair in the sandwich.
- The pubic hair?
- We don't know it was pubic hair.
Okay, yeah. Sorry, that's right.
- They just can't get along.
- Yeah.
Now I'm just caught between Beau,
my beau Beau,
you know, Lachy,
and the turd in the boot.
You could always just take a bit
down to the lab
and find out whose it is.
Oh, what? So I'll knock off tonight
and then go home.
And, you know,
instead of, like, just, you know,
putting the bag down and having
a glass of wine or something and...
No, no, no!
I'll go to the work boot,
get a bit of the turd out,
put it in a Ziploc bag
and run it down to the lab.
That's... that sounds like
a top night, that does.
That's a brilliant idea.
Well, it was just an idea.
Yeah. Would...
It would probably put a bit of closure
on the mystery, though, wouldn't it?
Yeah.
And they do owe me a favour,
those boys at the lab.
Can you hang on a minute?
Yeah, have you still got it?
Yeah, yeah.
Don't touch it. Just leave it.
Maybe we should
just do my profile picture,
you know, and get my gun.
- Oh, okay.
- All right.
Maybe I should, um...
Could I fire off a round?
- You reckon you could capture that?
- We're not gonna do that.
- Maybe a...
- Just hold it up.
You know, "The Deer Hunter" thing.
Yeah, what does he say
when the guy's slapping him?
"Dickidy tie! Dickidy tie!"
- "Dick in a tie?"
- No.
- Is that what you want to put?
- Er, "Titty mau! Titty mau!"
- "Titty mau"?
- Forget it.
You know, put it up in front,
like, James Bond style.
- Like that, eh?
- Close to your face.
Just a profile, profile. Sean Connery.
Lick it, lick it.
Lick the whole length of it.
- Lick the full shaft of it.
- No. I don't like...
- Okay, lose the gun.
- All right.
All right, let's just go
with the same idea.
You're a desperate...
you're a desperado.
You know, you're on the
run from the law. You're desperate.
You'll do anything.
You'll do anything.
You're desperate for...
You're desperate to find something.
You're hungry and you're begging.
You're a desperate...
desperate older man.
You're a desperate old man
begging for love.
You're a desperate old man
and you're begging love,
pathetically throwing yourself
on the mercy of some...
- Errr!
- Poor woman who is just...
Why would I do this? This is not
the image that I was going for.
I think that's it. That's good actually.
- I'm not gonna use that.
- No, that's it.
- Go back to the hipster one.
- No, this is much better.
- Why?
- Because it's you.
That's actually honest.
- That's not me.
- Yes, it is.
That's not me.
You don't recognise it, but it is you.
And that'll attract the women
you'll be most comfortable with.
- Which is not a bad idea.
- No, that's a good idea.
To find the perfect match.
You know, you might not get
a lot of hits.
- But the ones you get...
- Will matter.
- Will be ready to accept you...
- They'll stick.
- For what you are.
- All right.
This.
God, these things are so soft.
My mum's booties.
Wait.
What are they doing, like,
in this ransom house?
Like, did you bring them with you?
It's my mum's house.
This is your mum's house?
Yeah. Whose did you think it was?
I dunno. It feels like
some kind of ransom house.
Ransom house?
How do you get a ransom house?
Go up to a friend, say,
"Can we kidnap some people"
"and put 'em down in your house?"
Where's your mum?
Mum's gone.
Gee, sorry to hear that, mate.
When did she pass?
Hey?
When did your mum pass away?
Oh, she's not dead.
She's in a home.
Hardest thing I ever had to do.
The mind goes, doesn't it?
Oh, no, Mum's perfectly fine.
That... that made it harder.
Body? Like, she's in a wheelchair?
Like, arthritis? Just...
No, she's a health nut.
Still walks to work.
She walks to work?
Well, yeah.
I've got her car, so she has to.
Got, like, a little... little job?
Canteen or something?
No, she's full-time.
How old is she?
57.
She's in a home and she's 57?
Well, there's never a good time.
Well, think about it.
You think you want to put your mum
through this kind
of traumatic experience
when she's lost her marbles?
She won't even know
what the fuck's going on.
This way, you can actually sit down
and have a reasonable conversation
about it,
go, "Mum, you're going in the home."
So does she like it?
She's having a good time?
Well, none of them like it.
I don't know how to say this, but I
don't think she should be in a home.
We all make sacrifices, mate.
I've got to look after the house.
Got to look after her car.
That's life.
Car 72, please report.
- Car 72, please report.
- Yeah, nah, that's April.
- I'll take that.
- It doesn't...
Car 72, come in.
April, this is Detective Stokes here,
not Hendy.
So no need for concern.
I know things got a bit weird
between you there, so it's okay,
if you have any future correspondence
you can deal directly with me.
Er, er... this... this is Hendy.
Car 72. No activity.
Thank you. Copy that.
Oh, Jesus.
- What's going on there?
- Oh, it's just... it's awkward.
Oh, sounds awkward.
What... what happened?
April and I had a little misfire,
as you remember.
After that, we got back in touch,
kind of started seeing each other,
really casual, right?
And my car was in the shop
and he'd just texted,
and I remembered he had
the four-wheel drive, and so...
She goes,
"Hey, my family's got a coast house.
- "Wanna come away for the weekend?"
- "So I can have a lift."
So I can get a lift, totally.
We get there, right,
on the Friday night,
whole family's there.
Ooh.
Anyway, the next morning we went
for a swim in this creek nearby.
And we get there, we all take
our clothes off, jump in.
- We're just splashing around...
- What, just nude?
- Having a nice time.
- The whole family, nude?
Yeah.
- Completely nude.
- Oh, God!
- Middle of the day?
- Mate, it was bright summer.
Bri... Like, there was no shade.
Everything was in HD.
- I just couldn't...
- Ohhh!
It was like, "Oh, God!"
So it was, like, a nudie area?
No, it wasn't a nudist area.
This other family nearby
sees what's going on,
pack up their stuff, leave.
And then we started
the water Olympics that we do,
which is so fun, we got, like, um...
- That's in the nude too?
- Yeah. It's all in the nude.
And they're all like, "Come on, Hendy!"
"Take your swimmers off!
Come on! It's fun!"
- No!
- No.
The dad comes up behind me,
completely dacks me
and smacks me on the arse.
- Ooh!
- It was hysterical.
Fuck, it was funny.
But he got right into it.
And then, you know, you have
handstand competitions, tunnel ball.
We're up on the bank playing tunnel
ball, Grandad's right in front of me.
- You're at the back.
- Oh, God!
Just looking right up the tunnel.
We all took turns
looking at each other's bits.
- It was abuse.
- Hmm.
We got, like, piggyback wrestling,
and I'm on my dad's shoulders
and Mum's on Hendy's shoulders.
- Oh, what was that like?
- Like a sodden taco.
Ohh.
We're all getting along,
and then I start to notice
that Hendy's just, like,
staring at something.
And I follow his eye line.
He's staring at my dad's dick.
Staring at your dad's dick?
Staring at my dad's dick.
At some point there we're playing
Marco Polo. "Marco! Polo!"
I'm like, "Fuck this.
I'm out of here." I leave.
- Fair enough.
- Back to the house.
"Meet you later, weird family."
Anyway, later, in the bedroom,
I sat him down.
I was like, "Can we just talk about
the elephant in the room here?"
And she's like, "Hey, Hendy,
I know today was a bit weird."
- Yes.
- "Yeah. Yeah, it was a bit weird."
"Thanks for saying so, April."
And she goes...
"Look, I know my dad's dick's
bigger than your dick"
"and it doesn't matter to me."
- Oh.
- Oh? Oh?
Yeah, now I understand
why it was so weird now.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- That her dad's dick's bigger.
- No!
- That's weird.
- No, that's not the poi...
Did you hear everything
that I just said?
They were nude and forcing me
to be nude, and all the...
That's the weird thing.
But it was... bigger?
- He's not circumcised.
- Oh.
Interesting.
I didn't ask for that point
of, um, detail, but all the same...
The point is she's got
a weird family, she's the weird one.
This isn't about me or my dick.
And it actually just kind of
ruined the weekend.
After that, it was like,
"What's happened to him?"
- Like he just... shut down.
- Hmm.
I can understand why things are tense.
- But was it bigger?
- No further comment.
All right, all right.
Not even a little...
No.
Let's leave it at that.
- How about his balls?
- Lower.
- Yeah?
- They were lower.
- You'd see that.
- I did.
There's gonna be someone
who's gonna notice
or someone who's gonna, um...
- Silly how hard this is.
- Yeah, a little...
- Um, er... er...
- Oh.
No, no, no. I've got it.
I've got it, I've got it, I've got it.
It's... it's, um...
- You don't have it.
- I do, I do.
- I've got it.
- Do you have it or not?
- Because otherwise I'll say one.
- Just give me a minute.
Just give me a second.
Um, it would be, um...
My brother, I haven't spoken to for...
God, years.
Er... Mmm.
It's moments like these you wish
you had parents who were alive.
- Um...
- My mother IS alive.
Well, I know she's technically alive.
But she's certainly not someone
who's going to notice us missing.
I mean, she wouldn't notice
if her teeth were missing, darling.
Okay, you know, Bernie, please.
Who else? Um...
I've got it, I've got it. Of cou...
- Who?
- The kidnappers.
The kidnappers. They have to get
their money, their ransom.
They will contact someone
and make demands
and that person will then realise
and we will be set free.
Darling, I think you solved it.
Wait, who will the kidnappers contact?
- That's it.
- Oh, no, wait.
Can I do it?
- Come on, please, please.
- Go on, go on.
Great!
- Hey, boss.
- You've done it?
Yeah, it's done. It's totally done.
Yeah. Right.
Downstairs. Downstairs.
They're both tied up.
And, um, safe and sound.
They're not going anywhere.
They?
The husband and the wife.
They're both tied up.
What the fuck you saying?
You got them both?
Yeah, yeah. I got 'em both.
Got 'em both, right here.
Oh, Jesus fucking Christ!
Who the hell is gonna pay
the fucking ransom?
- N...
- Hey? Oh, Jesus fucking...
Yeah, right. No, I thought...
You don't get paid to fucking think!
What?
He said to get one.
One?
He... he said... he said, "They?"
And I was like, "Yeah,
the husband and wife."
And, like, that's what...
He said, "Not they. Just the wife."
But when he told me when he...
to do this job,
like, he was, like, "Go get her."
But then when he wanted
both of us to do it,
I was like, "Obviously, you're gonna
get one and I'm gonna get the other."
But then, like, right now,
he's saying to me,
you know, he's meant to pay the ransom.
So, like, how's he gonna pay the
ransom when he's down there and...
Oh, for fuck's sake.
No, look, look. Neddy, I'm sorry.
I didn't realise. I just...
They don't sound happy.
No, no, no. This isn't good.