Nip/Tuck (2003–2010): Season 5, Episode 2 - Joyce and Sharon Monroe - full transcript

NARRATOR:
Previously on Nip / Tuck...

Fiona McNeil. Publicist.

I have a unique opportunity that
would fit you guys like a surgeon's glove.

Hearts 'N Scalpels.

We start production at episode
six on Tuesday, and I have no case.

We want producer credits
and the occasional line.

How soon can you start?

Look, it's the new cute
doctor from Hearts 'N Scalpels.

Plastic surgery is an
actor's worst nightmare.

Say I was gonna do
that exact same picture.

Would you have to fix anything?



Guess who just got a face-lift.

Carly Summers.

Tell me what you don't
like about yourself, Miss...

Monroe. I had it legally
changed for professional reasons.

Hey, that's pretty good. I don't
usually go for the plus-sized gals,

but I always had
a thing for Marilyn.

What do you do,
parties, theme parks?

The Walk of Fame.

I stand outside Grauman's Chinese
Theater and take pictures with tourists.

Wow, and the theater
pays you for that?

No. I'm an independent
contractor. I work for tips.

I was the highest
earner on the block.

I made more than even
Chewbacca and Superman.

Until she got in the way.
Now, no one wants me.



They only want her.

Sorry.

Late night on the set.

Oh, you were wonderful in
last week's episode, Doctor.

Such dramatic intensity.

I would love to be on that show.

So, you were talking about
some woman that you worked with.

- Sharon.
- Who's Sharon do?

Anyone she can get
her slutty little hands on.

She does Marilyn, too.

It used to be okay.

She would do noon to 6:00,
and I would do 6:00 to midnight.

We were friends.

What happened?

First, she started
staying later.

6:30, 7:00, now
she's there all night.

She has no boundaries.

Here's the thing.

Sharon's more talented
than me, I own that.

She has a wonderful voice
and she dances like a dream.

But I have more star appeal.

It used to be we each
had a piece of the pie.

But now she's honing in on
my territory and it's not fair.

The Walk of Fame has
become a battlefield, Doctors.

I need a bigger set of torpedoes
to give myself a competitive edge.

You want breast implants.

The idea being bigger
boobies, bigger tips.

Bingo, baby.

Okay, baby. So look, I
don't mean to be rude,

but in your line of work,

are you sure you're gonna
be able to afford this?

I've saved up. Sure, it hurts
to crack open the nest egg,

but what option do I
have? This is my livelihood.

I have an opening
on Thursday morning.

Oh...

You're wonderful, Dr. Troy.

But I couldn't pass up the
opportunity to work with a star.

I was hoping
Dr. McNamara could do me.

- I'd be happy to do you.
- Thank you ever so.

Make me beautiful

Make me

A perfect soul A perfect mind

A perfect face A perfect lie

Let's save a life.
What's the stat, nurse?

Forty-year-old construction
worker, severed right arm...

A severed right arm. We
have a severed right arm!

- One, two, three.
- AIDAN: Vitals, vitals, I need vitals.

I need a tray of
instruments here.

Arm, give me the arm!

I will have this man swimming
the breast stroke in the Nile

by the end of this
year, so help me God.

Nurse, I want an
Esmarch bandage, stat.

- That was the last one, Doctor.
- What?

- We're all out.
- How can a hospital be out of tourniquets?

Nine construction workers
were hit by that falling saw blade.

This is not Baghdad.

I mean, severed arms are not an
everyday occurrence at Seaside General.

We're dealing with severe
arterial hemorrhage, Doctor.

He's going into shock.

- Okay, Peter, go round up some neckties.
- What?

Oh, God damn it,
it's casual Friday.

He's going into shock.

- We're gonna lose him.
- That's enough. That's enough.

That's enough. That's enough.

I got you, don't worry.

It's not tight enough, Doctors.

I need it tighter.
I need it tighter!

KATE: Well, tighten
it. Get a clamp.

Someone get a clamp. Something!

AIDAN: Give me EKG. EKG!
KATE: The EKG! We need the EKG!

AIDAN: Cut. KATE: What?

- Okay, cut!
- Cut.

Cut!

- AIDAN: Come on.
- What's wrong, darling?

You were perfection.

How come I'm the only one
in my goddamned underwear?

The network says we
have to show more skin.

More exposure
translates to higher ratings.

But why can't Kate
take her top off?

I'd be like a deer caught
in those headlights.

Okay, Aidan, you're a
man tart. That's your job.

I'm a classically
trained actress.

I know, I know. Julliard, Royal
Shakespeare Company, blah, blah, blah.

- Yeah, Broadway in the Park.
- Oh, give me a break, Kate.

Okay, the only reason why you have
this job is you're a hot piece of ass.

Everybody knows that. If she doesn't
take her clothes off, I'm not. You know?

- Come on. I'm bloated...
- Aidan, please...

Prima donna.

That's lunch, everyone. 12:12 to
12:42. Make it safe and walk away.

Excuse me, Kate?

- Yeah?
- You were really good in there.

- Oh.
- Really realistic.

Wow, thank you very much.

I spent a week with Dr. Sam
Nussbaum over at Cedars. Yeah.

You know, if you wanna view one
of our operations, you could scrub in,

- see how we do it up close.
- Really? Wow. Yeah.

That would be fantastic. When?

- Oh, well, I mean...
- Oh, sorry. Hang on.

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

Hi, Mom. You're kidding.
Well, are you sure?

No, no. Sean, Sean, wait, wait.

Hey, Mom, can I
call you right back?

Okay.

Um...

What are you doing Sunday?

We don't operate on Sundays.

Yeah, I know this is last minute,
but my mom just canceled on me.

- Do you happen to have a tux?
- A tux? I could get one.

- Okay. 6:00?
- 6:00, yeah, 6:00.

- Okay, I'll... Yeah. Okay.
- Okay. All right.

(I WANNA BE LOVED
BY YOU PLAYING)

WOMAN: (SINGING) I
want to be loved by you

Just you Nobody else but you

I want to be loved by you Alone

Boop-boop-be-doo

SEAN: It's like I'm hearing
this song for the first time.

- CHRISTIAN: Yep.
- I finally understand what it's about,

- you know?
- Mmm-hmm.

Being famous, wanting
a true connection.

I was mobbed at the
dry cleaners this morning.

Yeah, I heard you tell
the receptionist already.

Enjoy your 15 minutes, buddy.
It's gonna be my time soon.

By this afternoon, the phones
are gonna be jammed with people

trying to get an appointment
with these famous fingers.

What happens this afternoon?

(LAUGHS)

The latest issue of Us
magazine hits the shelves.

A little birdie told me that Carly
Summers' face-lift is on the cover,

along with the identity of a
very, very skilled plastic surgeon.

You leaked it? How could you?

She's a friend of mine.

And I signed a
confidentiality agreement.

- I have no idea where they got that story.
- I do. It came from me.

Take a closer look.

"Carly Summers attributes
her youthful new look

"to a daily regimen of
juicing and Bikram Yoga."

Not exactly the story
you were hoping for, is it?

Bold move going to the press
to land yourself some publicity,

but ultimately idiotic, kiddo.

If you had any idea how
the game was really played,

you would know Fiona McNeil

has her hand so far up the ass
of every publisher in this town,

they wouldn't consider taking a
dump without consulting her first.

And speaking of
dumping, you're out.

Get yourself another publicist.

- Wait, Fiona, I am so...
- Sorry? Corrupt? Save it.

You're right. I'm an asshole.

The town's full of assholes.
What makes you special?

Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

You know, I used to walk down the
street and people would look at me.

Men, women. They all
wanted to be me or be with me.

Now it's just...

I don't know who I am anymore.

I still can't figure out,
why leak this story?

Thanks to me, McNamara/Troy
was getting an ample piece

of the plastic surgery pie.

McNamara was getting the piece.

Mmm...

And Troy's not content
with his partner's crumbs?

No.

Look, I'm not proud of this.

Sean's like a brother to me.

I was the one who
followed him out here.

Gave up everything I worked for.

Money, prestige, sex.

(SIGHS)

I had Miami by the balls.

You were also, what?
Twenty-something when you started?

You should've picked a different
venue to have a midlife crisis in.

You're never going to
be the new face in town.

Just some forty-something
dying for a comeback.

You're the one who
can give it to me.

Please just give me another
chance. I'll pay you anything you want.

(KATE LAUGHING)

Oh, goodness. You were a
charming escort, Dr. McNamara.

- Well, thank you, darling, thank you.
- Even if you didn't know who anyone was.

SEAN: I can't believe Grey's
Anatomy won. Are you kidding me?

KATE: No, it's
ratings. It's stupid.

No, I was very impressed when
they called that other actress's name.

Oh, Mariska Hargitay.
She always wins.

Well, whoever she is, you
handled it with such grace.

Everyone knew it
should've been you up there

winning that award.

Oh, that's... That's really
sweet, Sean. Thank you.

I wanted to do that in the limo.

- Is it my consolation prize?
- No, not at all.

I've been wanting
to do it all night.

I guess I'm just a little rusty.

Sean, you should go.

Sean, the limo's waiting.

(CRYING) Please,
I want you to go.

Are you crying?

You're not a very
good listener, are you?

- I'm sorry. I didn't... I... I thought...
- You thought wrong.

But McNamara/Troy did her
boobies. Chewbacca told me so.

Listen, I could bring
you in a ton of business.

Aquaman's been telling me
he's considering pec implants.

Don't take this the
wrong way, sweetheart,

but if the crazies of the world wanna
pay top dollar to worship dead movie stars,

maybe they're better off
going to Madame Tussaud's.

You need to get
yourself a life, sweetie pie.

One of your own.

I tried. I wanted
to be an actress.

I just wasn't special enough.
Just another face in the crowd.

Except when it came
to impersonating her.

She's a goddess, you know?

And even though I
know I'm just a copy,

kind of made me feel
like a goddess, too.

You know?

Till she came along.

Joyce.

She's not as good
as me, you know.

But that doesn't matter
here, now, does it?

Because she's just gonna wow
the crowd with her big new tits,

and steal tips that
are rightfully mine.

Do you know what that's like?

To be something special
and to watch someone

who doesn't deserve it

take what belongs to you?

I can pay, Doctor.

Help me stay in the game.

Please.

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

- Yeah?
- Christian?

Hey, Julia. What's up?

Oh, is this a bad time?

- I could...
- No, no, no.

I've got a photo shoot tomorrow.
I'm just wondering smile or no smile.

Wow. A photo shoot. You two
are really taking LA by storm.

- I caught Sean on the show.
- Yeah, jeez. You see that thing?

- What a piece of...
- I couldn't believe it was him.

He looked so handsome on camera.

Um, is he around? I was sort
of hoping to catch you both in.

Is there something wrong?

No, no.

I just wanted to know if you were
both gonna be around next weekend.

I was thinking of coming out,

and Annie has a little break. So,
you know, I thought it might be fun.

Julia, I've known
you for 22 years.

You don't just hop on a plane
and cross country on a whim. Spill it.

I'm seeing someone.

And it's serious.

We're moving in together.

Jesus.

I just didn't wanna surprise
him with it on the phone.

- I'd rather do it in person.
- You don't mind surprising me, huh?

Well, we will talk about
it when I'm there, okay?

I can't wait to see you.

Bye.

(DIAL TONE DRONING)

So when can I get out of
here and show off my new tits?

Sharon's going to be
pea green with envy.

Oh, I'm sorry. I thought this
room was gonna be empty.

What is she doing here?

Trying to steal my doctor
now, are you, bitch?

I was the one here first. You're
moving in on my turf again.

I won't stay in here with that
imposter. I want my own room.

Well, I'm sorry, but this is
the only one that's available.

Then kick her out. You brought me
in here, you have to take care of me.

Oh, I will.

Did you actually go out, find that
woman, and bring her here on purpose?

She came to me, her
American Express card worked,

I made us some money.
What's wrong with that?

You know, you trying
to one-up me all the time

is gonna drive patients away,
not bring them in the door!

I wasn't trying to one-up you.

And you know what? I think
this could be a positive thing.

You know, those girls,
they're good friends.

Being locked up in a room together
could help them get back together.

God, this is so like you. Anytime I
get a little taste of something good,

- you can't handle it.
- Bullshit. Like when?

Like, oh, I don't know. Julia?

I meet the woman I'm gonna
marry and you have to sleep with her

the night before the ceremony.

I've apologized
a thousand times.

What, do I have to apologize for the
new guy she's moving in with as well?

- What?
- Nothing.

No, no. What do you mean the
new guy she's moving in with?

Julia called the
house yesterday.

She wanted to
tell you personally,

but, you know, she met
someone. She's moving in with him.

Well, that's great. She's seeing
someone, I'm seeing someone.

- Since when are you seeing someone?
- I'm having a little fling

with somebody on
the show. An actress.

There's a bit of
a difference here.

You're not moving in with
your current piece of ass.

Yet!

Kate.

- Come on. Let me apologize.
- No, really. You don't need to apologize.

I do. I've given it a lot of thought
and I see where I missed your signal.

I don't want to talk
about it. Okay? I just...

What's wrong with you? I'm
trying to defuse the situation.

That was no fun at all on the set today.
I wanna apologize so we can move on.

Wow, like what? You're a
dreamboat and a gentleman.

Is there anything I
can hate about you?

Look, I'm the one that
should apologize, okay?

I'm the crazy-ass
bitch, not you.

Oh, my God. Oh, could I
be more of an insane person?

You're an actress. A little passion
is part of the package, right?

Look, I just... I'm from
New York, you know?

It's a different world out here.

I haven't learned how to tell
if, you know, people like me

or they like the fact that
I'm the star of a hit show.

You know, I feel like
an imposter half the time.

I mean, my idea of a fun evening is
curling up with a cup of decaf Earl Grey

and a Paddy Chayefsky play.

You forget that I'm
new in this town, too.

All I know is the
world of medicine.

In fact, you're gonna have to
remind me who Paddy Chayefsky is.

I like you, Sean.

I guess... I don't know, I got scared
when you liked me back so fast.

That's why I freaked
out. I'm really sorry.

So, I'll take a step
back, we'll go slow.

Look, the thing about
me is that, you know,

whomever I date has to be a friend
first and then a lover. You know?

- Totally. Totally.
- Yeah.

Friends. Yeah.

Friends.

- Friends who kiss?
- Okay.

(DON'T YOU WANT ME PLAYING)

Great. Great. Great.

MAN: (SINGING)
Don't you want me baby

Oh, bellissimo.

Don't you want me oh

Oh, bellissimo. Okay, bra vo.

We ready for the money shots?

You got your
wide-angle lens, baby?

I need to go to the
storeroom for more film.

I'll be ready when you get back.

Just a chubby, tiger. I
don't shoot hard-ons.

(CHRISTIAN SIGHS)

I'm literally putting my
balls in your hands, Fiona.

- Are you sure this is...
- Yes.

- Shall I turn around?
- What's the point?

It's not like you're not gonna see it
on the newsstands next week, right?

What?

What? What the hell?

Don't look at me
like that. Jesus.

The last time my dick was
this small, I was still in diapers.

Stage fright. It's pretty
common in these situations.

Shit. We're gonna have
to call the whole thing off.

What are you? Leg
man, ass man, tit man?

Tit man, why?

Mommy issues. I should've known.

Oh, don't flatter
yourself, shorty.

I put my neck on
the line for this shoot.

If your cobra doesn't
dance, I'm the one in trouble.

No offense, but do you really think
the breasts of a woman your age

are gonna play the right tune?

Jesus, Fiona, they're fantastic.

Why, thank you.
Don't know what it is,

genetics or just plain luck,
but no matter how old I get,

these champagne cups
seem to be frozen in time.

PHOTOGRAPHER: Ah!

I see we're ready.

(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

Oh, yeah, baby. We're ready.

PHOTOGRAPHER: Okay.

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

- Hello?
- Bad time?

- Oh, it's the usual dinnertime madness.
- Oh, sorry.

I keep forgetting the time
difference. How are the kids?

They are wonderful.

Exhausting, but Annie can't
wait to come and see you.

She seems to have
finally adjusted to school.

Of course, it helps that
her daddy's a television star.

- Oh, come on, I only say a line or two.
- Oh, well, I think you're very believable.

Listen, Christian tells me
that you've met someone and...

Oh, God damn it, Sean! I didn't
want you to hear it from him.

You know Christian, he
just pushes and pushes and...

Julia, it's fine. I'm glad
you've met someone.

I want you to be happy.

Well, it's just sort of
something that happened.

Hey, it's good. We've both got
to get on with our lives, right?

You know, I think I
might have met someone.

- It's a little too early to tell, but...
- That's wonderful.

Yeah. I don't wanna put
the cart before the horse,

but there's definitely
something there.

I mean, she's not your
typical actress or anything.

- An actress?
- Mm m -h m m.

- From the show?
- Yeah.

And what about you?

Tell me about Mr. Right.

- Christian says you're moving in together.
- Sean, I'll... I'll...

Tell you all about it when the kids
and I come out to see you. Okay?

It's just a little
crazy right now.

Sure, sure. Sorry.

Give them both
big kisses from me.

Take care, Jules.

Yeah. You, too.

(SIGHS)

- Are you okay?
- Yeah.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

- Hi.
- Hey.

- They let you out early.
- Yeah.

- How are you?
- Good. You know.

Hey, there's this restaurant in
Malibu. It's right on the beach...

Actually, you know what, Sean?
This is sort of a professional call.

What could you
possibly wanna change?

Well, it's about the show.

- Can... Do you mind if I sit?
- Yeah, yeah.

Um...

(SIGHS)

Years ago, when some casting
agents saw me off off-Broadway,

they said that if I ever wanted
to do the Hollywood thing

that I'd have to
drop some weight.

You know, if I wanted
a shot. And I did.

I wanted it, badly. I dropped
the weight and then...

And then I got plucked out of
obscurity to do this pilot, and...

I mean, I think it's only a matter of
time. I'm gonna have to do a nude scene.

- I mean, Aidan's made that really clear.
- Kate.

What is it? A little
cellulite? I mean, who cares?

- Just show me. It's okay.
- I can't.

You know what? It's bad enough
the pictures of how I used to look

are showing up on the Internet.

You haven't seen them yet.
You will. Shit, I hate Google.

Look, you can show me anything. I
mean, old pictures, you in the flesh.

I'm attracted to you.

Can you turn around?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

You're dating a
plastic surgeon, okay?

I've pushed and pulled enough flesh to
know that beauty is more than skin deep.

Okay. You can turn around.

I had gastric bypass
to drop the weight,

and after I lost 100
pounds, this is the result.

No problem.

(CAN'T STAND LOSING YOU PLAYING)

MAN: (SINGING) I guess
you'd call it cowardice

But I'm not prepared
to go on like this

I can't, I can't I
can't stand losing

I can't, I can't I
can't stand losing

I can't, I can't, I can't

I can't stand losing
you (WHISTLING)

Question, what's hot and
bare and hard all over?

- You remember what this is, Lizzy?
- Cheap porn? Yeah, I'm familiar with it.

I can't believe you
posed for that magazine.

- What do you think, huh?
- LIZ: It is so Burt Reynolds 1972.

- Thank you.
- Very becoming for a doctor.

You've heard of Doctors Without
Borders? Meet Doctor Without Dignity.

Okay. Just for your information,
Fiona says that this publication is iconic.

Moronic?

Moronic, iconic, that's
very good. I like that.

So here's my thinking. Only
half of Miami got to see my dick

and look how much
business that brought in.

Wait till this little puppy comes
out with Dr. Christian Troy, okay?

This office won't be
flooded, it'll be underwater.

Right, big boy, take
your dick outside.

- Huh? Does that make you feel sexy?
- SEAN: Let's do some stapling.

What's what's-her-face
doing here?

She just wanted a few touch-ups.

Wow. What, she lose 100
pounds in a week or something?

This is the chick you took
to the awards thing, right?

Her name is Kate. She
happens to be pretty special.

She seems very special. You
just add a mast and a good wind,

- and you sail her around the planet.
- I happen to like her, Christian.

I don't give a shit
if she was once fat.

Julia met someone,
you met someone. I get it.

The only thing you've got is a
picture of your cock in a magazine.

This magazine is gonna
bring in more of LA's hotties

than you could ever
imagine, my friend.

Look at this guy, okay? Come on.

You won't have to settle for these
rejects from the Macy's Day Parade.

The phones haven't stopped ringing
and you're booked solid all next week.

And there's a walk-in
waiting for you in your office.

Mmm-hmm.

Guess they wanna
know who the big dick is.

Mmm-hmm.

Tell me what you
don't like about yourself.

What I don't like, sweetheart, is that I
don't have someone like you in my life.

Okay.

(CLEARS THROAT)

That I'm sitting here and you're
sitting all the way over there.

I'm not a dermatologist. I
don't do full body mole checks.

- Come to apologize?
- For what?

Filling your appointment
book with paying clients?

I promised to get you
work, not get you laid.

I didn't think you had any
problem in that department.

You certainly bedded
Carly without my help.

So, that's what this is
about, huh? Revenge?

People I get revenge on aren't
double booked for six weeks ahead.

You have tapped into
the lifeblood of Hollywood.

You never heard
of the Gay Mafia?

Get the boys and
everyone else follows.

Paul Lynde is waiting
in your office, Christian.

Screw you, boob-tube
boy. And just for the record,

my layout has brought in twice as
much business as your crappy TV show.

Not only that, have you ever
heard about the Gay Mafia? Huh?

Tell him about the mafia.

Is your divorce final, Sean?

- Yes. Why?
- Good, it means we won't have to fudge it.

People Magazine has requested you
for their 50-Most-Eligible-Bachelor issue.

- Him?
- I pitched you both, of course,

but Sean is the only
one on TV every week.

The photo shoot's
tomorrow. Can you work that?

Christian will have to pick
up a couple of my patients,

but something like this could
only be good for business.

You can do Kate's
follow-up for me, can't you?

Sure.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Oh, Dr. Troy. Is Sean coming?

Oh, you mean, one of People
magazine's 50 most eligible bachelors?

He's at a photo shoot right
now getting his highlights redone.

You're kidding.

I was saying the same
thing when I heard it myself.

Okay, I need to see
how you're healing.

Could you take off your
gown for me, please?

Oh, sure.

Very nice.

You could do the sequel to
Nine 1/2 Weeks in a month

and nobody would
know the difference.

And yet oddly, you
seem disappointed.

No, it's... I just...

I thought Sean
would wanna be here.

He hasn't really talked to
me much since the operation.

What can I expect,
right? I mean...

He just shaved 20 pounds of loose
skin off my body. I'm not attractive.

- He can do so much better.
- Is that what you think?

Once a fatty, always a fatty. I
know how men in this town are.

Well, I'm a man in this town and I'd
be honored to have you on my arm.

Maybe... Maybe we
could go out to dinner?

You've always been beautiful.

Now you're... Now you're
a complete knockout.

Oh...

Careful where you poke down
there. I'm gonna need that later.

- What are you doing?
- You like it? I just got it from Barneys.

- Just need a few adjustments, that's all.
- Why do you need a tux?

People's Choice Awards,
my friend. Black-tie affair.

And I told Kate I wouldn't
be seen dead in a rental.

You're going out with Kate?
My Kate? You can't be serious.

I wouldn't spend 2,000 bucks on a
brand new suit just to be joking around.

Those fat comments
during her surgery,

you just said all that to push me
away so you could swoop in, didn't you?

Now you're just being paranoid.

Wouldn't you be if your best friend
kept trying to take away everything

- you ever cared about?
- You never cared about Kate!

You were embarrassed by her. That's
why you did the surgery in the first place.

And just so you know,
she looks fantastic.

If there's anybody
to blame, it's you.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Recovery. We have a situation.

What's going on?

LIZ: Her pulse is thready
and she's non-responsive.

And there's an empty bottle
of pills on the nightstand.

- Rozerem. Sleeping pills.
- Is she gonna die?

- Did you see how many of these she took?
- I don't know.

Give me a gastric lavage. We
need to pump her stomach. Go!

CHRISTIAN: What do
you mean you don't know?

You're sitting three
feet away from her.

- What happened?
- SHARON: I don't know.

We got in a fight over who'd
work the corner next week.

And I said she couldn't
compete with me anymore.

And I went to the bathroom
and when I came back,

she was groggy and
she said she was happy

- and she was finally gonna win.
- Win? Win what?

I don't know. It didn't make
sense. She said after today,

she was gonna go down in history
as the best Marilyn Monroe in the biz.

- Jesus.
- Joyce, can you hear me?

How many pills did
you take? Joyce?

No, we gotta do this.

- I got it.
- No, I got it.

LIZ: Okay, it doesn't matter, would
one of you please put it down her throat?

- I was gonna grab that one, Sean.
- Oh, bullshit.

That's not bullshit,
I've hardly eaten all day.

I need something
to tide me over.

Well, what happened to
"I'm lactose intolerant"?

Hey, I am asshole
intolerant! So take it outside

or take up a sport where you both
can beat the crap out of each other

somewhere else. 'Cause
I'm sick of watching it.

A woman almost died
under your watch today,

and you deal with it by
fighting over a Yoplait?

Give me the
Yoplait. Give it to me.

- Knock, knock.
- Hey...

- I didn't think you were coming till...
- Julia, we weren't expecting you.

- I didn't mean to interrupt.
- Oh, it doesn't matter.

They never listen to me anyway.
I'm just white noise in a lab coat.

- Jules, what are you doing here?
- I decided to just come, you know?

It felt so awkward on the
phone. I thought, "Why wait?"

This is an important move for me,
and I need you two to be on board.

Well, for the kids. I left
them with my mother,

and she's gonna bring
them in a couple of days.

- Oh, of course we're on board.
- Yep.

I'm sure if you like
him, he's gotta be great.

We just want you to be happy.

- Exactly.
- Thanks.

So, when do we get to
meet the lucky bastard?

Did you bring him
with you or what?

Oli's not actually...

- Oli? Oli, sounds very upper crust.
- Yeah.

- Is Oli rich?
- Yes. Very.

And it's Olivia.

(BEAST OF BURDEN PLAYING)

MAN: (SINGING) I'll never
be your beast of burden

My back is broad but...

So, how long have you
been playing snooker?

I got into it late in life.
I had a good teacher.

I bet you did.

What's a dyke bar without a
gang of Minnesota Fats wannabes?

- My daughter taught me pool.
- You have a daughter? That is fantastic.

What about daddy, you
pull him out of the drawer

for Thanksgiving
to baste the turkey?

She was conceived in my college
dorm the good old-fashioned way,

by adding two hard bodies
to a quart of rum and stirring.

Very kinky.

- Where's poppa now?
- Well, where do you think?

After he impregnated
me, I bit off his head.

How did your mother
respond when she found out?

Well, you know Erica.

She thought that being in a
more egalitarian relationship

would be good for me.

Until she found out that Olivia was a
doctor of traditional Chinese medicine,

and then she became a
lesbian snake-oil peddler.

I bet I started looking
pretty good to her.

So was Olivia your first?

I don't know if it's a question
of being gay or not, Sean.

I just fell in love with her.

You were in love with me.

Yes, but this is
different somehow.

You know, it's easier.

The sex, communication.

Did you ever fantasize about
women when I was screwing you?

Yes. But you know, a lot of
straight women do. It's common.

I am so sorry, Sean.

I put you through hell and maybe
all the time this was the reason why.

- I kicked his ass.
- True, she did.

- You ready, babe?
- Oh, why not stay for dinner?

You can explain the Indigo
Girls phenomenon to me.

We have a dinner
date with my daughter.

I'll be in town until Sunday.
We'll have dinner at the weekend.

Bye.

I can't stop wondering.

You think she yells out
"Oli" or "Livvy" when she...

- Oh, shut up.
- I didn't say anything.

It's what you're not saying,
it's what I know you're thinking.

Just say it.

You're thinking she wouldn't be a
lesbian if she'd been married to you.

That I must be such a lousy lay

that my wife went from dwarf
humping to carpet munching.

- It's not funny.
- I'm not laughing at you.

I'm laughing at us. I
mean, come on, it is funny.

Think about it.

After all these years,
Julia was the reason for our

"Who's got the
biggest dick" contest,

and now we find out she
doesn't even like them.

She's a dyke.

- Julia's a dyke.
- All right.

- Don't call her that.
- You get that?

She's the mother of
our children, okay?

Carpet muncher's nicer.

- Beaver bumper, yeah.
- Muff diver.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God.

Well, now neither
of us gets her.

Too bad she didn't figure it
out when we were in college.

I've spent a lot of years
barking up the wrong tree.

Look, I only went after Kate
because you wanted her.

I... I'm sorry, all right?

I don't know what it is, it's like
I'm hypnotized or something.

Here. Better not waste any time.

She's yours, not mine.

(CHRISTIAN CLEARING THROAT)

Thank you.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

(KNOCKING)

- Kate?
- Be right down.

Wow. You look beautiful.

- Please accept my apologies.
- For what?

Pretending to be a great guy and
then disappearing? Where's Christian?

He bowed out when I told him
that we were seeing each other.

So I don't have a say?

You two just play
pass-the-fat-girl

and assume I should be grateful that
anyone shows up at my doorstep at all?

Am I caught in the middle of some
weird game that you two get off on?

Absolutely not.

I mean, my partner has a
definite eye for the ladies,

but the reason I kind of disappeared
has nothing to do with you.

I got caught up. My
ex-wife came to town and...

She came to inform me
she's in a new relationship.

Well... What, are you
still in love with her?

Trust me, Julia and I are over.

Truly, finally over.

That's why I'm here.

Put these in some water,
and I'll wait for you in the limo.

I'll drive. We can play the
chauffeur and the naughty starlet.

Why is it so hard
to say no to you?

Because I look so
handsome in this tux?

Yeah.

Come on, Kate.

I don't wanna go.

Do you think that Hargitay
lady's gonna kick your ass again?

I'm just sick of actors competing with
other actors for meaningless trophies.

Yes, she's gonna
kick my ass again.

I'm gonna kiss you.
Are you gonna hit me?

I don't know.

Why don't we stay in, order out,

and watch an old movie?

That sounds perfect.

(I WANNA BE LOVED
BY YOU PLAYING)

Come on in here.

WOMAN: (SINGING) I
want to be loved by you

Just you Nobody else but you

I want to be loved by you Alone

Boop-boop-be-doo I
wanna be kissed by you

Just you, nobody else but you

I wanna be kissed by you

Alone

Cheeseburger.

Say, "That's all right, mama."

God bless you.
Thank you, sweetie.

Hey, Elvis.

- Elvis.
- How you doing, sweetie?

Hey, fat Elvis. Hey, hey,
come here for a second.

- What's up, man?
- I'm looking for Marilyn Monroe.

Actually, two Marilyn
Monroes. You seen them?

Yeah, I might know
where they're at, baby.

All right, they're right over there
amongst all the Asian tourists.

- Beautiful. Thank you.
- Go get them, poppa.

All right.

Come on, who's next for Elvis?

Whatever happened to
the battle of the blondes?

Oh, Dr. Troy, what
are you doing here?

I always do follow-ups
on my movie star patients.

What happened?

We decided that two
Marilyns were better than one.

Especially since Joyce
came up with the idea

of us both wearing the costume
from The Seven Year Itch.

It really shows off our brand
new tits, don't you think?

I can't think of a better way to advertise.
Maybe you should hand out my card.

Oh, we'd love to. Especially since
you're the reason that we're friends again.

You did save my life, but you made
me realize my life was worth saving.

If only the real Marilyn
had had as good a friend.

Oh, yes. But if only she had as
good a business mind as you do.

We're making more money together than
we ever did competing, that's for sure.

I think I know a way you
can make more money

than just standing
on this corner, ladies.

What did you have in mind?

Make me feel like a star.

SHARON: (SINGING) I
wanna be loved by you

JOYCE: (SINGING) Just
you and nobody else but you

BOTH: I wanna be
loved by you, alone

Boop-boop-be-doo I
wanna be kissed by you

Just you, nobody else but you

I wanna be kissed by you, alone

JOYCE: (WHISPERING)
Dr. Troy. Oh, you're wonderful.

English -SDH