Nip/Tuck (2003–2010): Season 4, Episode 7 - Burt Landau - full transcript

Previously on Nip / Tuck...

So, you'd like
some liposuction, Mrs. Budge.

Whatever it costs, I can afford it.

Name your price, sexy man.

- You got any mac 'n' cheese?
- Zip it, Dawn.

What's the matter with me?

Your kidney's been surgically removed.

This is a hot car, Matt,
but not as hot as you.

Burt can't find out about this.

- I smelled it on you, honey.
- Burt.

I will ruin you both
before I give my blessing



so you can run away
and play happy ever after.

Where do you find these people, Sean?

Is there some kind of craigslist
for the ugly and unemployed?

Our contract with the Landaus allows
us four pro-bonos every month.

I plan on meeting that quota.

Free surgeries are like sex
without an orgasm.

Unless of course
the patient's name is Blu Mondae,

in which case the free surgery
follows an orgasm.

- Is it hot in here?
- No.

You all right?

I had strep throat a couple of weeks ago.
I guess I haven't kicked it.

We've had a great run, Christian.
It's time to give back.

I do give back as much as
my accountant says I have to.

Charity isn't an issue of accounting,
it's an issue of conscience.



Am I right?

Go back to work.

It's ridiculous. I have a garden-variety
case of strep throat.

Doctors, can Dr. Cruz and I
have some privacy?

No, it's okay. It's okay. They can stay.

You've developed
acute glomerulonephritis.

It's not uncommon after a bout of strep.

What's her filtration rate?

She only has about 10 percent left.

She's going to need a new kidney
to replace her remaining one.

I'm going to recommend
that you begin dialysis immediately.

Dialysis takes six hours a day.
How am I supposed to work?

I've taken the liberty of placing you
on the national donor list.

You are officially 62,342nd in line.

That list is bullshit.
People wait years for one of those organs.

Do you have any family that might be
willing to volunteer as a donor?

My only living relative is my mother.

And when my father died last year,
she banned me from the funeral.

As far as she's concerned,
my being gay is what killed him.

So I don't think that she's gonna be
offering up a kidney any time soon.

Sean and I will get tested.

You would do that for me?

Jesus, Liz, of course, you're family.
Right, Sean?

Of course.

Christian, it's not your face I want to see,
it's hers.

- Screw this.
- Christian, wait.

- Where do you think you're going?
- I'm done playing dildo.

Maybe you're done
playing doctor, Chrissy.

You walk out that door

and I'm gonna chop that little flesh shop
of yours into fish bait.

You can have it and her.

Hopefully one of them
will get you a hard-on.

You're done playing with my 10-inch dick.

Christian!

Christian!

Don't go.

How can you be with a man
who treats you that way?

Why do you stay? For the money?

What am I supposed to do?
I lose everything if I leave.

I won't go back to that hole
I was in before I met Burt.

What hole, hooking?
Doesn't seem like you ever stopped.

- I'm sorry.
- No.

Listen to me.

Come with me. Come with me now.
Come with me.

No, I won't belong to another man.

Burt bought my mother a house.

He gave my sisters jobs.
This isn't only about me.

We have to be smart, Christian.

Please, don't make any waves.

I can get us out of this.

Tell your husband he can fire me.
I'm nobody's whore.

What can we do for you, Dawn? More lipo?

God knows I could use it.

In the past six hours
I have consumed more Freihofer's

than a French whore
during the Nazi occupation.

Those cookies and the oxycodone

are the only thing keeping me
from passing out right here from pain.

Pain?

- I was earjacked.
- Carjacked?

Earjacked!

Jesus, I got one ear,
I can hear better than you.

After Dwight left me for Mallory,

I went on a four-week fast food bender.

Arby's, KFC.

I even bought a Popeyes franchise
just for good measure.

Well, after thousands of grams
of saturated fat

failed to mend my broken heart,

I drove on down to Boca.

Picked myself up a gorgeous
pair ofhonking earrings.

First mistake I made,
wearing them in public.

So, what's it gonna cost me, Doc,
for the new ear?

- Well, Mrs. Budge...
- Miss, I'm single now.

Miss Budge.

We can rebuild the ear

using cartilage and fatty tissue
from other parts of your body.

- God knows you got plenty.
- Zip it, pretty boy.

What's option two?

We could attach an artificial ear
made out of silicone.

What am I, Plastic Man?
I'll look like a mannequin at Lane Bryant.

This ear has to be perfect.

Now that I am Oprah rich,
and back on the dating scene,

I plan on nabbing my own Stedman
within one year.

There is one other possibility.

It's a fairly new technology
and it won't be cheap.

Sweetie, I wipe my ass with $100 bills.

All right. Then we'll make an appointment
at the genetics lab.

Genetics lab?

That's where they're gonna grow
your new ear.

Oh, God.

That's incredible.

Deeper.

Oh, that's good.

I can't tell the difference between
the knots and the muscles.

You're like this mass of sculpted steel.

You're too sweet.

It's Pilates.

Can you get my lower back?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

What are you doing?

I'm sorry. It's just, you were moaning...

We're friends, Matt.

I thought I could trust you.

Look, Kimber, I'm sorry, but I like you.

I guess you have that effect
on the men in my family.

And you thought that because
I had relationships with your dads

that I was just gonna screw you, too?

I thought you were different
than they were, Matt.

Yeah, I am. I'm spiritual.

I just spent the last month picking up shit

in front of Church buildings
for Christ's sake.

Did you do that for your growth
or to impress me?

Okay.

Get out.

I don't feel safe with you here anymore.
Go.

Okay.

You're not a match.

How close was I?

You're a five out of six,
that's almost a perfect match.

Would you describe yourself
as promiscuous, Doctor?

Your blood tested high for an antibody
that only appears in people

with an unusually
high number of sexual partners.

So I can't give Liz a kidney
because I've had too much sex?

There's irony for you.

You're disappointed?

I've fixed a number ofnephrectomy scars.

It's almost impossible to regain
muscle definition in the affected areas.

There are other possible complications,
incontinence, infection, clotting.

You are aware that the results
are strictly confidential?

I'm only obligated
to reveal the findings to the donor.

Are you saying you'll lie for me?

I'm saying
it's my responsibility to test you,

but it's your responsibility to inform
any interested parties that you're a match.

Mr. Landau is here to see you,
he says it's urgent.

- Excuse me.
- Yes.

- Are you a match?
- No.

- You?
- No.

Got any other ideas how we can help her?

Well, you can get medicinal marijuana
and Russian brides

over the Internet these days.

I'm sure we can find ourselves a kidney.

You have any idea what this

come-to-Jesus meeting
with Burt is all about?

Yeah. We're gonna get fired.

He found out about Michelle and I.

And he said
if we didn't screw in front of him,

then he would tear the business apart.

Turns out the old bird is a kinky bastard.

Jesus, Christian.

I should have known if anything
was gonna bring this place to its knees,

it would be your dick.

Think you can get us out of this?

Not unless you've got a 12 gauge
and a bunch of hams.

It happened two nights ago.

The doctors said
it was an ischemic stroke.

Were you straining? A bowel movement?

We were having sex.

We made it to the hospital
within a half an hour.

They told us the clot had dissipated.

I'm sorry, but if the clot is fully dissolved

and he's already on anticoagulants,
what do you want us to do?

You're my plastic surgeons,

fix my goddamn face.

Where is Dr. Troy?
This is totally unacceptable.

He's caring for a sick associate.

No need to lie.

The man is terrified of
our sexual chemistry. I get it.

Here he is.

Isn't he beautiful?

We call him Vincent.

After the nineteenth-century painter,
Vincent van Gogh.

- He's infamous for cutting off his ear.
- Thanks, Sister Wendy.

I just bought one of his paintings,
I got it hanging in my bathroom.

Every time I take a dump now,
I feel artistic.

So, Doc, what did you do,
shave the poor thing down?

It's a nude mouse.

It's genetically altered
to be born without a thymus gland.

It has limited T cells,
which means it can't fight off infections.

It also means he's less likely
to reject donated tissue.

Does it hurt when
you sew that thing on to him?

No. We implant a tiny, ear-shaped scaffold

filled with donor tissue
into our guy's back.

His blood nourishes the growing cells

and in about six weeks, you have an ear.

I forwarded Dr. Capler your blood work.

So he picked this mouse
based on the results.

You'll also be given a heavy dose of
anti-rejection drugs to aid the process.

Even then, there's still
a 20-percent chance

that your body will reject the tissue.

Fine, wrap it up.

And let me tell you,
the cage better be included in the price.

You can't take the mouse with you.

I used to raise ferrets
in the back of my trailer.

I know how to care for a rodent.

This mouse has no immune system,

so it might not survive outside
of a sterile environment.

I'll have Margo come twice a day.
She's my cleaning woman.

Doesn't speak a word of English,
but let me tell you, she can...

I think maybe you should
go somewhere else.

All right, fine, Vinnie stays.

But I need to hold him.
I want to bond with my ear.

Isn't he adorable?

I always had a thing for baldies.
Look, look at him.

Oh, gosh.

Oh, to think what this little guy
is going to go through

just so I can wear
a pair of sunglasses again.

We like to think that
we're creating life of the noblest form,

dedicated solely to making others well.

Just like you, Doc.

Thanks, Vinnie.

He can't hear you through that.

Oh.

- Hey, Liz.
- Hey!

- These are for you.
- Aw, thank you, honey.

Okay, he's here.

You guys gonna tell me now?

Which one's going under the knife
so I can get out of here?

I'm sorry, Liz.
Neither one of us is a match.

Sean and I went to school
with some people

from the American Kidney Foundation.

We'll try and get you bumped up the list.

So someone else who has been waiting
longer gets screwed over to save me?

Oh, no.

I wouldn't be able to live with myself.

Look on the bright side,

they're going to suck a pound of liquid
out of you every time you come in here.

You'll be able to fit into your skinny jeans.

Okay, okay. It's enough of me complaining.

Distract me. How's the baby, Sean?

Good. Bigger. Starting to smile.

It's great when they start to give
a little something back, huh?

All I'm asking is you bump her up
a couple of notches on the donor list.

You owe me, Jim.

Who helped you get into the pants
of that hot Brazilian radiologist

with the big fake tits
when we were residents?

You married her? No shit.

Well, tell her I said hello.

Blood work came back on Burt Landau.

Guess what he was on
the night of his stroke?

Viagra.

Excuse me?

Your husband was on it
the night that he had a stroke.

You remember that night?

"I can get us out of this, Christian. "

Are you suggesting that I gave it to him?

I'm suggesting that it's a little odd
for a man to take a drug

that every doctor he's seen
over the past two years

has said could kill him.

How dare you. I am not a murderer.

Are you saying through all of this,
the surgeries, you and me,

you never wished he was dead?

Wishing and actually doing something
about it are two very different things.

I thought you knew me.

We'll see if I do.

Who gave you the Viagra, Burt?

Who gave you the Viagra?

I don't know.

Stop covering for her, she tried to kill you.

No, she didn't.

I took it myself.

Stupid.

But those three minutes inside her

was worth giving up
how many years I got left.

- Wait. I'm sorry.
- Stay away from me.

If I didn't need you to fix
my husband's face you'd be fired already.

From now on,
consider us business associates.

What do you want?

I want a personality test.

Go away, Christian.

Come on, Kimmy. It's me.
You know, the guy you almost married.

Let me in. I need to talk to you.

Jesus, you smell like a brewery.

And you smell like happy memories.

You know, every time I get close to
a woman who's wearing your perfume,

I get a hard-on?

Okay.

Now I know where he gets it from.

Your son came on to me the other day.

Oh.

So congratulations,
you don't need to force me

not to see him anymore.

Your genes and bad influence
have done it for you.

- Can I get myself a Scotch, sweetie pie?
- One drink and then you hit the road.

I'm sorry about Mattie.

- I'll talk to him.
- No, don't.

He's just young.

He doesn't understand what it means
to really believe in something yet.

This shit really works for you, huh?

For once in my life I feel like

there's something I can
give myself freely to

and I can expect the same in return.

I never gave to you like that?

When you wanted to,

but it always came with a price.

Maybe you should audit me.

If it works for you,
there must be something to it, right?

Christian, stop.

Don't tell me you never think
about me, baby.

When you're alone in bed at night

and your fingers find their way down
to your pretty little rosebud.

You never close your eyes
and pretend those hands are mine?

Oh, please stop, Christian. Please. Stop.

Let's lock ourselves in and make love and

eat take-out for a few days.

I need to go.

Okay.

I have a seminar at Church
tomorrow afternoon

if you want to come by
and I'll audit you then.

Are you kidding me?

I don't give a shit about your
whackado religion.

What? You told me you wanted to...

I said what I always say,

whatever it takes to get me laid.

How can you be so cruel?

Why didn't you just go screw one of your
whores if you needed to get laid?

Whores only give you their body.

I needed to feel like
the most important man in the world,

and you're the only person
who can do that for me.

Don't worry, sweetheart,

I'm sure there's some chapter in Dianetics
that will help you get through...

Get out! Get out!

I hate you! Get out of my house.

Oh, my God!

Oh, yes.

I know.

Hey.

I didn't know you were
coming over tonight.

I invited her. I reckoned that even gals

on a restricted diet
deserved a home-cooked meal.

Listen, you have no idea
what this means to me,

but I cannot accept it.

Accept what?

When I found out that you
couldn't be a donor for Liz,

I called and asked for permission
to be tested.

You're a match?

No, but I am.

I swear I didn't know
he was getting tested, Sean.

Liz is family, Dad.
She used to baby-sit me.

She even let me have a swig of beer
at one of her barbecues when I was 14.

You are my hero,

but I will not let you do this for me.

The acorn didn't fall far from the tree,
did it, Daddy?

Do you have any idea how life-altering
a kidney donation can be?

I've just recently been forced
to come to the conclusion

that I've spent my entire life taking,
so unless you can come up with

a good reason why I shouldn't,
I'm going through with it.

- How could you let him do this?
- Oh, she didn't let me do anything.

- I'm 18.
- I didn't think he'd be a match,

you and Christian weren't.

I mean, I don't want him to do it either,

but, you know,
he doesn't need our consent.

I haven't seen you in a month, Matt.

Well, that's going to change.

Where do you think
I'll be doing my convalescing?

You guys raised me to
take care of people, yeah?

I know I haven't always lived up
to that, but I want to start now.

What's going to happen when
you take the ear off him?

We're sending him off to live on a ranch
in Wyoming with his other donor buddies.

Seriously, if I built him a sterile room
at Tara Budge

do you think I could keep him?

The only room you're going to need
to build for him is a mausoleum.

The mice don't survive the surgery.

Seriously?

We could cancel the procedure.

Nah, do it.

I'm going to need both ears
to pull off my fall wardrobe.

You all right there, partner?

Matt wants to give Liz his kidney.

He and Julia got tested.

The kid's got balls.
I'll kill him before I let him do it,

but you've got to admit the kid's got balls.

He must have got them from you.

He certainly didn't get my kidneys.

I lied. I'm a match for Liz.

A five of six.

What?

Look, I have a handicapped son
I have to operate on.

I can't be out of commission
for three months.

Bullshit. Give her the kidney after
you operate on Conor's hands.

You're shit-scared about going
under the knife, that's all.

That's not the point right now.

Our goal needs to be to stop Matt
from forcing the issue with Liz.

Well, I can think of a way of stopping him.

Give Liz somebody else's kidney.

Coming!

Hey, you're early. Come on in.

Thanks for inviting me.

After what happened I didn't think
you'd really want to see me.

I thought a lot about it and

realized I was totally out of line.

And I wanted you to come over
so I could apologize.

- Make you a drink?
- No, thanks. I'm off the booze.

- You training for something?
- No, it's just that...

Well, you know
my dads' anesthesiologist, Liz?

She needs a kidney
and I'm going to give her mine.

So I have to be totally clean
to make sure her body doesn't reject it.

Wow.

That's awfully generous of you.

Yeah, well, I really took what you said
to me to heart, you know?

About giving back.

You really are a beautiful soul,
Matthew McNamara.

So, where are your kidneys, anyways?

Back here.

Here?

Do you think it's going to hurt?

Well, it's not going to feel good.

- Does that feel good?
- Yeah.

I assume you know I'll be overseeing
my husband's surgery in the OR.

Of course. I know how you and
your husband like to watch each other.

- Is there something wrong?
- His blood pressure's dropping.

Give me one milligram ANP.

He's gone into V-fib,
give me the crash cart.

Clear. Clear.

Blood pressure's coming back,
heart rate stabilizing.

- It looks good. What happened?
- Earjacked. You?

Someone stole my kidney.

I didn't know they did
real medical stuff in here, too.

No, they don't.

Sean and Christian set that up for me
so I could work a couple of hours a day.

Wow.

That is really nice of them
to do that for you.

I mean, come on, you think about it,
the last thing some socialite

wants to see after her eye job

is somebody having
a blood-scrubbing, right?

How'd you do it? You know,
get them to care about you so much?

I'm sure you have people in your life
that would do the same for you.

Yeah, I got plenty of people.

Most of them showed up
right when the money did.

- You expecting someone?
- Not really.

I thought maybe my ex
and my daughter might stop by but...

They're back in Pensacola now so...

Maybe they don't know
what happened to you.

Bullshit.
I did an exclusive two-parter on Montel.

They never ever miss an episode.

You know how much money I've spent
since I won that Powerball?

Twenty million.

Yeah, I got a huge house.

I got more ice than an Eskimo.

I got a racehorse I've never even seen.

And you know what?

I'd give twice that right now to have
somebody walk through that door

just to hold my hand.

I used to raise ferrets, you know,
before the money.

There was this one,

Knickers, cutest thing
I ever saw in my life,

she got her little paw
caught in the trailer door.

I hocked my entire Franklin Mint
collection on eBay just to pay her vet bills.

You know, I nursed her.
She got better. I loved her, you know.

I could tell she loved me, too.

And look at me now.

You know how I got this ear?

I killed a mouse for it. Vincent.

Cute little guy, too.

He grew the ear on his back, you know,
and I let him sacrifice himself

just so I could look good
in my Jill St. Johns.

I'm sure Vincent understood.

The point is,
I gave more when I had nothing.

It's like I traded my soul
for all that money, you know.

And then I look at you, I mean,
the victim of a horrible crime,

and what gets you through?

The hope that maybe for a couple of hours
a day you get to be a doctor.

You're a hero. You are.

I'm a big fat zero.

God, what happened to me?

Too bad they can't grow a kidney
on the back of a mouse, huh?

This isn't right.

He should be in a facility
that can care for him properly.

He needs to be home.

This isn't like recovery
from his other surgeries.

He's had a massive stroke.

Which means diaper changes
and intense physical therapy.

It could be years before
he's back on his feet.

I've hired a hospice nurse
to be here at night.

And I'm perfectly capable
of handling things during the day.

What about work?

I'll take a leave of absence.

You don't need to do that.

This is a list of the top
inpatient rehab clinics in Miami.

- Do you and Burt a favor...
- No.

- ... and at least go look at them.
- I won't...

I won't put him in a nursing home.

Of course, you wouldn't want to
do anything to piss him off

enough to make him change his will.

You think I want it like this?

You think I want to spend the rest of
my youth holed up in this tomb?

But he's still my husband, he needs me.

But you don't love him anymore.
You love me.

You wanted me to let him die
on that table, I saw it in your eyes.

And I saw it in yours,
but you saved him anyway.

Now it's my turn.

Hey, Sean.

- We need to talk.
- About Matt, I know.

He's adamant about giving me his kidney.

I'm afraid he's going to leave it on
my doorstep in a gift-wrapped cooler.

You don't need Matt's kidney.

Because I'm going to give you mine.

That is very sweet, Sean,

but I think that we're both gonna feel
a little silly when my body rejects it.

It won't.

I'm a five of six match for you.

I lied about my test results.

I'm sorry, Liz.

I was scared, of the surgery, the recovery.

- I just...
- Didn't want to end up like me.

Why the change of heart?

I would never have known that you lied.

I made a list of the people
I thought would give me a kidney.

It was pretty short.

Then I made a list of

people I'd give one to, it was even shorter.

I always thought of myself as
a good friend, someone you can count on.

It wasn't until all of this happened
that I realized that I was full of shit.

What I'm saying, Liz... I love you.
I don't want to lose you.

You're going to take my kidney.

I've scheduled the operation for tomorrow.

Shit. Scary, huh?

I have never asked you
to do this for me, Sean.

You shouldn't have had to.

The truth is, I can't.

Frankly, your kidney's not hot enough.

You're only a five of six.
I have found a better match.

A better match? Who?

A perfect six-out-of-six,
just like my Powerball ticket.

I guess lightning really can strike twice.

Especially when it has such a large target.

That target didn't seem to bother you

when you were pinning me to
your apartment floor, sweet cheeks.

Should we begin?

I'm ready when you are.

Go gentle, Doc.
I got to look my best for bikini season.

Dr. Muthara is going to be doing
most of the heavy lifting,

but we'll do what we can
to minimize the scarring.

Though I have to warn you, Miss Budge,

there's very little we can do
with a nephrectomy scar

because of the angle
at which the incision is made.

Screw it, it'll be my badge of honor.

You think I can come by every
now and then and visit my kidney?

- You know, for coffee or something?
- I don't think I can say no.

- How's next Thursday?
- Okay.

Looks like you got a friend
for life there, Lizzy.

You sure it's worth it?

- How we doing?
- Scared.

Relax, you're among friends.

- Thank you.
- My privilege.

Okay, count back from ten for me.

Ten,

nine,

eight, seven...

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