Nip/Tuck (2003–2010): Season 3, Episode 10 - Madison Berg - full transcript

PREVIOUSLY ON NIP/TUCK...

GIVE UP THE PORN BUSINESS

OR GIVE UP THE WEDDING.

YOUR CHOICE.

THIS IS A DANGEROUS ROAD.

SEAN AND CHRISTIAN AREN'T GOING
TO LIKE US SEEING EACH OTHER.

IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO STOP
CARING ABOUT WHAT THEY THINK.

YOU'RE NOT REALLY
LEAVING ME AGAIN, ARE YOU,

STICKING ME WITH QUENTIN?

YOU KNOW I CAN'T BE IN
THIS PRACTICE WITH HIM NOW.

I GUESS YOU'LL
HAVE TO FIND A WAY.



REMIND ME.

WHY AM I DOING THIS AGAIN?

BECAUSE YOU LOVE ME.

BECAUSE IT'S MY FANTASY.

AND BECAUSE MY MONIQUE
LHUILLIER DRESS IS A SIZE ZERO,

AND I AM NOT GOING TO
FEEL LIKE THE PERFECT BRIDE

UNLESS I FIT INTO IT.

THE THINGS YOU DO FOR LOVE.

HIT IT.

♪ WISHIN' AND HOPIN' ♪

♪ AND THINKIN' AND PRAYIN' ♪

♪ PLANNIN' AND DREAMIN' ♪

♪ EACH NIGHT OF HIS CHARMS ♪

♪ THAT WON'T GET
YOU INTO HIS ARMS ♪



♪ SO IF YOU'RE
LOOKIN' FOR LOVE ♪

♪ YOU CAN SHARE ♪

♪ ALL YOU GOTTA DO ♪

♪ IS HOLD HIM AND KISS HIM ♪

♪ AND LOVE HIM ♪

♪ AND SHOW HIM
THAT YOU CARE... ♪

WILL THE BRUISING BE BAD?

WITH MICRO LIPO,
THERE IS NO BRUISING.

IT SHOULD HEAL IN A DAY OR SO.

IN FACT, YOU WILL
BE FEELING SO GOOD

THAT WE COULD DUCK
OUT FOR A QUICK LUNCH.

NO TIME FOR LUNCH, CHRISTIAN.

I GOT TO MEET WITH
THE WEDDING PLANNER.

DO YOU THINK THESE
WEDDING JITTERS

ARE MAKING YOU A LITTLE
FORGETFUL, SWEETHEART?

YOU HAVEN'T SIGNED
YOUR FIDELITY PRE-NUP.

OK. I'M GOING TO DO IT.

I KNOW, I'M THE
ONE WHO WANTED IT.

IT'S JUST THAT I
HAVEN'T HAD A SECOND.

WHICH REMINDS ME,

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO
DO THE CAKE TASTING ALONE.

I'M FASTING.

WHY ARE YOU FASTING?

BECAUSE MY DRESS SHOWS
EVERY SINGLE MOLECULE OF FAT.

WHICH I'M REMOVING AS WE SPEAK.

I KNOW. BUT AT THIS POINT,

I WILL GAIN WEIGHT IF
I EVEN LOOK AT CAKE.

WHAT IS THE POINT
OF HAVING A WEDDING

IF WE CAN'T ENJOY THIS
KIND OF STUFF TOGETHER?

IF I GAIN ANY OF
THIS WEIGHT BACK,

NOBODY'S GOING TO BE HAVING FUN

BECAUSE I'M NOT GONNA BE THERE.

FINE.

I'LL DO THE TASTING.

BUT JUST KEEP IN MIND,

IF YOU DON'T SIGN THAT
PRE-NUP AND AGREE IN WRITING

TO STOP DIRECTING
DOUBLE ENTRY GANGBANGS,

THERE WON'T EVEN BE A WEDDING.

CAPTIONING MADE
POSSIBLE BY WARNER BROS.

♪ AHH ♪

♪ MAKE ME BEAUTIFUL ♪

♪ MAKE ME ♪

♪ A PERFECT SOUL ♪

♪ A PERFECT MIND ♪

♪ A PERFECT FACE ♪

♪ A PERFECT ♪

♪ LIFE ♪

TELL ME WHAT YOU DON'T LIKE
ABOUT YOURSELF, MS. BERG.

I'M HER MOTHER, MIRIAM BERG.

AND I WAS JUST TELLING MADISON

WHEN I TURNED 16, MY
PARENTS JUST ANNOUNCED,

"IF YOU WANT TO GET A HUSBAND,

YOU GOING TO HAVE TO
GET YOUR NOSE DONE."

MY PARENTS BIG JOKE IS THAT
I WOULDN'T BE HERE TODAY

IF IT WEREN'T FOR THAT NOSE JOB.

WE KNOW THAT YOUR MOM
AND DAD ARE ALL FOR IT,

BUT WE HAVEN'T HEARD FROM YOU.

DO YOU WANT A RHINOPLASTY?

WELL, UH, GETTING MARRIED

AND HAVING KIDS IS NOT HIGH

ON MY LIST OF PRIORITIES.

I MEAN, IT WAS FOR MY MOM

BECAUSE THINGS
WERE DIFFERENT THEN.

WELL, NOT ALL THAT DIFFERENT.

IT WASN'T LIKE IT WAS THE
DARK AGES FOR GOD'S SAKE.

ARE YOU HAPPY WITH
YOUR NOSE, MS. BERG?

ALL I KNOW IS IT'S
ALWAYS BEEN A GIVEN

THAT I'D BE SITTING HERE

A FEW DAYS BEFORE
MY 16th BIRTHDAY.

IT'S ABOUT HOW YOU FEEL
WHEN YOU LOOK IN THE MIRROR.

IT'S TRUE THAT WE'VE DONE
A LOT OF RHINOPLASTIES

ON JEWISH GIRLS,

AND THE TREND IS
DEFINITELY TOWARDS

A MORE REFINED PROFILE.

WE CAN SHOW YOU SOME
OF OUR WORK IF IT HELPS.

I ASSUME YOU WANT TO TAKE
ADVANTAGE OF OUR SWEET 16 PACKAGE.

ABSOLUTELY.

WHEN I READ YOUR AD IN
THE TEMPLE NEWSLETTER,

IT SAID THAT YOU
OFFERED A 20% DISCOUNT

ON A RECOVERY ROOM
AT THE DE LA MER SPA.

OH, MY GOD, IT'S LISA BURROWS.

SHE'S A SENIOR AT MY SCHOOL.

HAVE YOU SEEN HER
BEFORE PICTURE?

LISA BURROWS IS JEWISH?

OK. I'M IN.

AND I WANT HER NOSE.

DOES EVERYONE AT THIS
SCHOOL SHOP AT J. CREW?

YOU'RE THE ONLY WEIRDO
THAT I'VE SEEN SO FAR.

IT WAS A COMPLIMENT, BY THE WAY.

IT WAS?

OH, WELL, THANK YOU THEN.

I'M ARIEL.

I'M IN YOUR AMERICAN
HISTORY CLASS.

I'M NEW AT THIS SCHOOL.

WELL, I'M MATT, THE
WEIRDO IN THE BACK ROW.

HI.

HI.

HEH.

UH-OH. JAP, 3 O'CLOCK.

OH, YEAH. SHE, UH... SHE LOOKS
LIKE SHE JUST GOT RELEASED

FROM THE SLAUGHTERHOUSE
MY DAD RUNS.

HE'S A PLASTIC SURGEON.

HE DOES A LOT OF
SWEET 16 NOSE JOBS.

JEWS WITH GENTILE
NOSES AND GENTILE NAMES.

IT'S COMPLETELY PATHETIC.

THE BANDAGE ON HER FACE
ISN'T COVERING HER NOSE JOB.

IT'S BROADCASTING HER SELF-HATE.

AND SHE'S NOT THE ONLY ONE.

I MEAN, EVERYWHERE I LOOK,

IT'S JUST A SEA OF PATHETIC
LOOK-ALIKES AND WANNABES.

WELL, I'M SO NOT LIKE
ANYONE ELSE, YOU KNOW?

I HARDLY EVEN NOTICE
THEM, YOU KNOW?

I LIKE THAT.

YOU KNOW, UM, YOU COULD REALLY
HELP ME OUT WITH SOMETHING.

I'M DOING A TERM PAPER ON
HOMOGENIZING INFLUENCES

IN THE MELTING POT CULTURE.

AND, UH, IT WOULD BE COOL
TO TALK TO A PLASTIC SURGEON.

MAYBE YOU COULD
INTRODUCE ME TO YOUR DAD?

UH... UM...

IF IT WILL GET YOU TO
HAVE COFFEE WITH ME, I WILL.

YOU HAD ME AT
"MATT, THE WEIRDO."

I'VE GOT TO HAND IT TO YOU.

I DIDN'T THINK IT COULD BE DONE.

OH, I GIVE FULL
CREDIT TO CHRISTIAN.

HE JUST OPENED UP HIS HEART

AND ALLOWED HIMSELF
TO FEEL THE LOVE.

MMM, YOU'RE NICE AND LIMBER.

IT MUST BE FROM ALL
THOSE KINKY POSITIONS

YOU HAVE TO DO
FOR THE COME SHOT.

ACTUALLY, I PUT THE
BLAME ON BRADLEY.

HE'S OUR PRIVATE
PILATES TRAINER.

HE WORKS ME AND CHRISTIAN
OUT EVERY MORNING.

OH, THIS IS ON THE HOUSE.

I VOLUNTEERED TO
BE YOUR TECHNICIAN.

THINK OF IT AS PART
OF YOUR WEDDING GIFT.

OH, AND BY THE WAY,

I HAVEN'T RSVPed TO
YOUR WEDDING INVITATION

BECAUSE I GUESS THERE
WAS SOME KIND OF MIX-UP.

YOU WON'T BE RECEIVING
AN INVITATION, GINA.

I'M SO SORRY ABOUT THAT ONE.

YOU'RE GOING TO
HAVE SOME PUSSY BURN.

SO... I'M NOT INVITED
TO THE WEDDING.

PUT YOURSELF IN MY SHOES, GINA.

WE SIMPLY CAN'T ACCOMMODATE ALL

OF CHRISTIAN'S EX-LOVERS.

I NEED YOU ON ALL FOURS.

AND I GUESS WITH ALL
THE SCUMBAGS, PIMPS,

AND PORN STARS YOU'VE BALLED,

WELL, THAT WOULD BE A
WHOLE CHURCH BY ITSELF,

WOULDN'T IT?

OH, DID YOU WANT ME TO GET

THE FOUR LONG DARK
HAIRS UP YOUR ASS?

I WAS HOPING YOU MIGHT
BE A LADY ABOUT THIS, GINA.

YOU'RE NO LADY,
AND NEITHER AM I.

YOU'RE JUST THE LUCKY WHORE

WHO WAS IN THE RIGHT
PLACE AT THE RIGHT TIME.

HERE.

PUT THIS ON YOUR ASS.

THE TRUTH IS, I WOULDN'T MARRY
HIM NOW EVEN IF HE BEGGED ME.

DID HE TELL YOU THAT HE STOPPED
PAYING FOR MY AIDS COCKTAIL?

A WAY TO A MAN'S HEART IS NOT
ENTRAPPING HIM WITH YOUR TRAGEDY.

YOU'RE THE TRAGEDY IF
YOU MARRY HIM, KIMBER.

CHRISTIAN TROY WILL
NEVER LOVE ANYONE

BUT THE ONE HE CAN'T HAVE,

HIS PRECIOUS JULIA.

HELLO, KIMBER.

HOW IS THE WAXING?

AM I INTERRUPTING SOMETHING?

NO.

WE'RE DONE.

I WAS WONDERING
IF YOU COULD FILL IN

A CUSTOMER SATISFACTION FORM.

SURE.

AND PLEASE BE HONEST.

WE'RE NEW, SO WE WELCOME
ANY AND ALL CRITICISM.

ACTUALLY,

I'D LIKE YOU TO BE
HONEST WITH ME, JULIA.

IS THERE SOMETHING
YOU WANTED TO ASK ME?

WHY DIDN'T YOU AND
CHRISTIAN GIVE IT A TRY?

OH.

WHOO. UM...

HONESTLY,

THERE WAS ONCE, UH, AN
ATTRACTION BETWEEN US.

AND WE'RE STILL VERY
GOOD AND VERY OLD FRIENDS.

BUT CHRISTIAN
AND I AREN'T IN LOVE.

YOU AND CHRISTIAN ARE.

YOU KNOW, I'VE COME A LONG WAY

SINCE I FIRST FELL FOR
THAT LAME PICKUP LINE

THAT HE USED WHILE
TROLLING FOR PATIENTS IN BARS.

I CAN TAKE CARE OF MYSELF.

AND I LOVE HIM...

BUT I DON'T WANNA
GIVE UP EVERYTHING

THAT I HAVE WORKED SO HARD FOR

JUST TO WAKE UP
ONE DAY TO DISCOVER

THAT THE TWO OF YOU
FEEL LIKE YOU MISSED OUT.

AND THAT YOU STILL
NEED TO GIVE IT A TRY.

WE'RE NOT GOING
TO GIVE IT A TRY.

IT'S ALL IN THE PAST.

THANK YOU.

I NEEDED TO HEAR THAT.

HEH.

YOU KNOW, FOR WHAT
IT'S WORTH, JULIA,

YOU AND SEAN HAVE GOT TO BE

TWO OF THE CLASSIEST
PEOPLE I KNOW.

AND I TOLD CHRISTIAN THIS.

OF COURSE HE LAUGHED AT ME.

BUT I HAVE THIS FANTASY

THAT OUR WEDDING WILL BRING

THE TWO OF YOU BACK TOGETHER.

WELL, IT SHOULD JUST TAKE
YOU A MOMENT TO FILL IN, AND...

I'LL SEE YOU AT THE WEDDING.

DID YOU EVER THINK
THAT WE'D LIVE TO SEE IT?

ME, IN A MONKEY SUIT,

SAYING "I DO" TO GOD
AND EVERYBODY ELSE?

I HAD MY DOUBTS.

AHH... BECOMING
LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE.

I'M STRANGELY ELATED.

HOW'RE YOU DOING?

I'M OK. I'M IN KIND OF A
TRANSITIONAL PHASE.

COME BACK TO THE PRACTICE.

I CAN'T, CHRISTIAN.

YES, YOU CAN. IT DOESN'T
WORK WITHOUT YOU.

WE CAN FIGURE OUT
WHAT TO DO WITH QUENTIN.

JUST COME BACK. I MISS YOU.

JUST DON'T SAY NO.

THAT'S ALL I'M ASKING.

HEY.

HELLO, MATTIE.

HELLO.

HOW'S MY LITTLE SKINHEAD?

HEY, SOME PEOPLE LIKE
THIS LOOK, YOU KNOW? SHIT.

HEY.

UH, YEAH, MAYBE I
SHOULD COME BACK LATER.

NO. NO. STAY. IT'S
NICE TO SEE YOU.

I SHOULD BE GETTING
BACK, ANYWAY.

WILL YOU TWO KISS
AND MAKE UP ALREADY?

IN CASE YOU MISSED THE MEMO,

I'M THE MAIN EVENT
RIGHT NOW. HUH?

COME ON, SIT DOWN.

AHH.

I ASKED YOU HERE BECAUSE I
WANT YOU TO BE MY BEST MAN.

BOTH OF YOU.

WELL, YOU... YOU
WOULDN'T WANT A SKINHEAD

STANDING UP THERE, RIGHT?

I WAS TEASING, MATTIE. JESUS.

WILL ONE OF YOU PLEASE SAY YES?

I'LL SAY YES IF YOU
DO ME A FAVOR.

A FRIEND OF MINE IS
DOING A TERM PAPER,

AND SHE WANTS TO
INTERVIEW A PLASTIC SURGEON.

IF YOU AGREE TO MEET WITH HER,

THEN I'LL STAND
UP THERE WITH YOU.

WHATEVER IT TAKES.

BUT, YOU, YOU HAVE TO
DO THE INTERVIEW WITH ME.

THINK OF IT AS A BABY STEP

TOWARDS COMING
BACK TO THE PRACTICE

OR AN EARLY WEDDING
PRESENT FOR ME.

I WOULD BE DELIGHTED TO
MEET WITH A FRIEND OF MATT'S.

SO SET IT UP.

BUT STAY AWAY FROM THE HEAD
CLIPPERS UNTIL AFTER THE WEDDING.

DEAL.

YOU? DO YOU THINK YOU COULD
PUT YOUR TRANSITIONAL PHASE

ON HOLD LONG ENOUGH
TO REMEMBER THE RINGS?

I CAN DO THAT.

I DON'T KNOW WHO'S
HIGHER MAINTENANCE,

YOU TWO OR MY BRIDE. AHEM.

♪ THIS IS NOT A LOVE SONG ♪

WE CALL THIS ONE
"ENDLESS PASSION."

THE VANILLA BEANS
ARE FLOWN FROM TAHITI.

THIS ONE'S A LITTLE
SWEET FOR MY TASTE BUDS.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

DO YOU LIKE THIS BETTER THAN
THE ORANGE COCONUT RUM?

HELLO! SEAN,

A LITTLE FEEDBACK HERE, PLEASE.

I'M GONNA GO GET SOME
SAMPLES OF OUR CHOCOLATE CAKE.

IT'S NOT AS SWEET.

AHH, THANKS.

YOU KNOW, FOR THE LIFE OF ME,

I CAN'T RECALL THE CAKE-TASTING

WHEN JULIA AND I GOT MARRIED.

YOU'RE KIDDING, RIGHT?

NO.

YOU CAN'T RECALL IT BECAUSE
YOU WEREN'T THERE, SEAN.

YOU WOULDN'T GIVE UP

A LASER CONFERENCE IN ATLANTA.

DON'T YOU REMEMBER?

YOU ASKED ME TO
STAND IN FOR YOU.

AHH.

AND YOU WENT.

♪ PERISH IS THE WORD
THAT MORE THAN... ♪

YEAH.

RIGHT.

MMM.

YOU WENT TO THE
TASTING WITH JULIA.

YOU ATE A LOT OF CAKE,
DRANK CHAMPAGNE,

AND THE REST, AS
THEY SAY... IS HISTORY.

♪ THAT I AM NOT GONNA
BE THE ONE TO SHARE ♪

♪ WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE LIFE ♪

♪ THAT YOU COULD CHERISH... ♪

LIKE YOU SAID, WE DRANK
A LOT OF CHAMPAGNE.

MM-HMM.

MMM.

I NEED TO ASK YOU SOMETHING.

SINCE JULIA AND I SPLIT UP,

HAVE YOU AND SHE EVER
TALKED ABOUT GIVING IT A TRY?

I DON'T THINK WE'VE BOTH EVER
BEEN SINGLE AT THE SAME TIME.

THAT'S NOT AN ANSWER.

I DON'T HARBOR ANY
FEELINGS FOR HER,

IF THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE ASKING.

I WOULDN'T DO
THAT TO YOU... AGAIN.

YOU SLEPT WITH KIMBER.

MMM.

DO YOU, YOU KNOW... COME ON. NO.

NO?

SHE'S NOT THE GIRL FOR ME.

I'M SORRY. I JUST HAVE
TO SAY SOMETHING.

I'VE BEEN DOING THIS
FOR A LOT OF YEARS,

AND YOU TWO ARE
THE MOST ELEGANT,

SHARING COUPLE I'VE EVER MET.

SO HONEST AND SO
GENEROUS IN SPIRIT.

♪ OH OH OH OH OH ♪

♪ ALL THE FEELING THAT I HAVE ♪

♪ HIDING HERE FOR YOU INSIDE ♪

JULIA'S NOT THE ONE
FOR ME, SWEETHEART.

YOU'RE THE ONE I WANT.

THE ONLY ONE I WANT.

I LOVE THAT YOU LOVE
ME IN THAT WAY, BABY.

CAN I TRY THE CHOCOLATE?

♪ ...THAT I COULD MOLD
YOU INTO SOMEONE ♪

♪ WHO COULD CHERISH
ME AS MUCH AS I ♪

♪ CHERISH YOU ♪

MMM, IT'S DIVINE. DELICIOUS.

WE FLY IN THE
CHOCOLATE FROM BELGIUM.

WE CALL THIS ONE
"FOREVER MY LOVE."

Forever.

FOREVER.

CALL ME OLD SCHOOL,

BUT I THINK A DOCTOR
SHOULD SIT BEHIND A DESK,

HAVE A LITTLE DIGNITY.

JUST SAY THE WORD AND YOUR
STUFF WILL COME OUT OF STORAGE.

HEY, UM, EVERYONE,
THIS IS ARIEL ALDERMAN.

SEAN McNAMARA. GOOD
TO MEET YOU, ARIEL.

CHRISTIAN TROY. WELCOME.

PLEASE HAVE A SEAT.

I'LL, UH... I'LL BE
OUTSIDE. YEAH?

LET ME GUESS, YOU'RE
THE BIOLOGICAL FATHER.

UH, ACTUALLY, HE IS.

WOW. YOU KNOW, I'M
USUALLY REALLY GOOD

AT READING FACIAL FEATURES.

YOU HAVE THE DARK
FACIAL FEATURES,

MORE LIKE THE IRISH IN MATT,

AND, UH, YOU LOOK LIKE YOU HAVE
SOME CARIBBEAN BLOOD IN YOU.

THE HAIR, WIDER NOSE.

WAS YOUR FATHER FROM CUBA?

I NEVER HAD A CONVERSATION

WITH MY FATHER ABOUT HIS ROOTS.

ANYWAY, HOW CAN WE BE OF HELP?

I WANT YOU TO DYE MY SKIN BLACK.

BASICALLY, I WANT TO
LOOK AFRICAN-AMERICAN.

WE DON'T DYE PEOPLE'S SKIN.

NO, BUT YOU WOULD BLEACH
MY SKIN, WOULDN'T YOU?

I THOUGHT YOU WERE HERE TO
DO RESEARCH FOR A TERM PAPER.

THIS IS RESEARCH.

I'M ASKING YOU TO
ADDRESS THE FACT

THAT IT'S ACCEPTABLE TO
MAKE A BLACK PERSON WHITE

BUT NOT TO MAKE A
WHITE PERSON BLACK.

MICHAEL JACKSON
IS WHITER THAN I AM.

WE DON'T TREAT MICHAEL JACKSON.

OK. CLOSER TO HOME.

LET'S TALK ABOUT
THE JEWISH GIRLS

WHO BOOK THEIR SWEET
16 NOSE JOBS WITH YOU.

WHAT PERCENTAGE OF YOUR INCOME
COMES DIRECTLY FROM THEIR DESIRE

TO LOOK LIKE HEIDI
KLUM OR KIRSTEN DUNST...

DISTINCTLY ANGLO-SAXON
GENTILE GIRLS?

WHAT'S YOUR POINT?

MY POINT IS THAT
YOU ARE WIPING OUT

THE PHYSICAL CHARACTERISTICS

THAT MAKE UP THE
ETHNICITIES IN OUR CULTURE.

UNDERLYING EVERYTHING YOU DO

IS THE WORSHIP OF AN ARCHETYPE.

IT'S ALL ABOUT MAKING
EVERYONE LOOK WHITE AND ARYAN.

THAT'S THE TOPIC
OF MY TERM PAPER.

THAT'S NOT CORRECT.

WE OFFER PEOPLE A CHOICE.

WE DON'T HAVE A PREFERENCE

FOR ANY PARTICULAR ETHNICITY...

SEAN, YOU DON'T NEED
TO DEFEND WHAT WE DO.

YES, I THINK YOU DO.

LITTLE BY LITTLE, YOU AND ALL
THE OTHER PLASTIC SURGEONS

ARE JUST CREATING A
NATION OF NON-WHITE WHITES.

DOES MATT KNOW WHAT YOU
WANTED TO TALK TO US ABOUT?

WELL, HE DIDN'T KNOW EXACTLY
WHAT I WANTED TO TALK ABOUT,

OR ELSE HE MIGHT NOT HAVE
MADE THIS INTRODUCTION.

LET'S HOPE NOT.

EVERY TIME YOU
LIPO A BIG BLACK ASS

OR SHAVE THE BUMP
OFF A JEWISH NOSE

OR WIDEN A SLANTY ASIAN EYE,

YOU MAKE THAT PERSON
MORE VIABLE IN A WHITE WORLD.

THEN THAT PERSON
MARRIES A WHITE PERSON,

AND THEY GIVE BIRTH
TO A MIXED-RACE CHILD.

IN THE LONG RUN, YOU'RE
JUST WIPING OUT THE RACES.

IS THAT YOUR MASTER PLAN,

OR IS THAT JUST AN
UNFORTUNATE BY-PRODUCT

OF WHAT YOU TWO DO FOR A LIVING?

TAKE YOUR HAND OFF ME.

WHOA, WHOA, WHAT
THE HELL'S GOING ON?

YOUR FATHERS ASKED
ME TO LEAVE, MATT.

THEY'RE VERY DEFENSIVE
ABOUT THEIR WORK.

WHAT'D YOU SAY TO HER?

I DON'T KNOW WHO THIS
GIRL IS TO YOU, MATT,

BUT SHE'S NOT WHO
YOU THINK SHE IS.

I ASKED INTELLIGENT,
WELL-RESEARCHED QUESTIONS,

BUT THEY DIDN'T
WANT TO DEAL WITH IT.

THEY JUST WANT THEIR
OWN POINT OF VIEW

PARROTED BACK AT THEM.

I FEEL BAD FOR YOU, MATT.

DON'T YOU EVEN
THINK ABOUT BRINGING

THAT LITTLE FREAK TO MY WEDDING.

I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.

BELIEVE IT.

WHY WOULD YOU WANT
SOMEBODY LIKE THAT

IN YOUR LIFE, MATT?
SHE'S A RACIST.

YOU'RE A JUDGMENTAL ASSHOLE.

I GUESS SOME THINGS
NEVER CHANGE, RIGHT?

WHAT'S THIS?

IT'S THOR'S HAMMER.

IT'S A NORSE PAGAN SYMBOL.

IS THAT A SWASTIKA ON IT?

IT'S ONE OF THE WORLD'S
OLDEST SYMBOLS.

HEH. UHH.

DON'T TELL ME YOU'RE
GONNA FREAK OUT ABOUT IT.

PEOPLE ARE SO IGNORANT ABOUT IT.

WELL, IT'S GOT SOME PRETTY
EVIL CONNOTATIONS, ARIEL.

IT'S ON BUDDHIST PRAYER WHEELS

AND NATIVE AMERICAN AMULETS.

SEE, LOOK.

IT'S 4 Ls.

LIGHT, LOVE, LIFE, AND LUCK.

MY DAD GAVE IT TO ME.

HE'S VERY, VERY SMART.

YOU'RE, UH...

YOU'RE NOT INTO
SOME KIND OF NEO-NAZI,

RACIST KIND OF TRIP, ARE YOU?

NO.

BUT I BELIEVE THAT PEOPLE
SHOULDN'T DISGUISE THEMSELVES

AND HIDE THEIR IDENTITIES.

I MEAN, I DON'T HIDE WHO I AM,

AND I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW

IF SOMEONE IS ASIAN OR JEWISH

OR WHAT THEIR REAL GENDER IS.

AND OH, MY GOD, THOSE
SEX-CHANGE OPERATIONS

THAT PLASTIC SURGEONS DO?

DID YOUR FATHERS
DO ANY OF THOSE?

YEAH, I THINK THEY DID.

THAT TO ME IS TRULY IMMORAL.

PLAYING WITH SOMETHING THAT'S
AS SACRED AS SOMEONE'S SEX,

PLAYING GOD, AND
SPREADING DISEASE AND FEAR.

I'M NOT A NAZI, MATT.

BUT I AM A PURIST.

YOU'RE FIERCE, AND
YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL.

I WANT TO DO SOMETHING.

DO YOU TRUST ME?

YEAH.

♪ PEOPLE STAY WITH
THE MACHINE ALL NIGHT... ♪

ARE YOU READY?

♪ STAY WITH THE MACHINE ♪

HEY, BABY.

WHAT YOU LOOKING AT?

THE ROYAL WEDDING.

IS THAT JULIA?

AHH.

I GOT US SOME
CHAMPAGNE AND CAVIAR

SO THAT WE COULD
HAVE A RELAXING EVENING

BEFORE THE BIG DAY.

WHAT MADE YOU
CHECK OUT THIS ALBUM?

I DON'T KNOW.

WEDDING FEVER.

I DON'T WANT ANY CHAMPAGNE
AND CAVIAR, CHRISTIAN.

I TOLD YOU I'M FASTING.

ALTHOUGH, YOU NOT REMEMBERING
SHOULDN'T SURPRISE ME.

WELL, YOU'RE IN SOME
MOOD, SWEETHEART,

AND IT'S NOT VERY ATTRACTIVE.

WELL, DON'T WORRY,

I WON'T BE AROUND MUCH
LONGER TO BRING YOU DOWN.

I'M GONNA GO STAY IN A HOTEL.

WHY?

BECAUSE I WAS LOOKING AT OLD
PICTURES OF ME IN A... IN A CHEAP SUIT?

THAT'S NOT WHAT
YOU WERE LOOKING AT.

SWEETHEART,

THIS WAS SUPPOSED
TO BE A LOVELY EVENING.

I WAS GONNA BATHE THE
BRIDE IN A SOAPY SHOWER,

GIVE HER A LITTLE MASSAGE,

AND JUST WHEN SHE WAS LETTING GO

OF ALL OF THAT WEDDING STRESS,

I WAS GONNA SLIP MY HAND

BETWEEN HER DELECTABLE
SIZE ZERO THIGHS AND...

OK, OK, OK, COULD YOU JUST...

YOU WERE ALL MISTY-EYED

OVER THOSE PHOTOS
OF JULIA, CHRISTIAN.

BE HONEST.

JESUS, KIMBER.

WHY THE JEALOUS FIT, I
MEAN, TONIGHT OF ALL NIGHTS?

I'M THE ONE WHO
SHOULD BE PISSED.

YOU HAVEN'T EVEN
SIGNED YOUR PRE-NUP.

UH, YEAH.

GOD DAMN IT, WHY
ARE YOU LEAVING?

I'M GOING TO A HOTEL
BECAUSE IF I STAY HERE,

I'M JUST GONNA END UP
HAVING SEX WITH YOU.

AND I WANT TO FEEL
LIKE A VIRGIN TOMORROW,

LIKE A REAL BRIDE.

PURE AND UNTOUCHED.

THE KIND YOU WISH I WAS.

THIS ONE IS MY PRIZE.

I JUST GOT IT ON eBAY.

HMM. YEAH. HONESTLY,
MRS. ALDERMAN,

I DON'T UNDERSTAND
THE APPEAL OF THIS STUFF.

YOU KNOW, I MEAN, IT JUST SEEMS
KIND OF DEMEANING, YOU KNOW,

A BIG, FAT BLACK
LADY IN AN APRON.

TO MOM, IT'S JUST A
PIECE OF AMERICANA.

YEAH. IT'S... IT'S
FROM ANOTHER TIME.

IT'S BEFORE THEY
WANTED TO LOOK LIKE US.

YOU KNOW, BLACKS WERE BLACKS,

AND THE WOMEN
ENJOYED THEIR SIZE.

SEE? SHE'S HAPPY TO BE LARGE.

SHE HOLDS MORE COOKIES.

SUE, WILL YOU QUIT
BORING THIS KID

AND PUT DINNER ON THE TABLE?

ARIEL, HELP YOUR MOTHER.

UH, MATT, THIS IS MY DAD.

AH! HEY, I'M WITH YOU, MATT.

IF I WAS BLACK, I WOULDN'T WANT

TO BE MEMORIALIZED
AS A COOKIE JAR.

SO, MATT,

YOU KNOW, AFTER ARIEL
TOLD US ABOUT YOU,

I DID A LITTLE RESEARCH AND
GUESS WHAT I FOUND OUT ABOUT YOU?

OH, GOD. I HATE
WHEN HE DOES THIS.

YOU WERE INVOLVED IN A PRETTY
BRUTAL GAY-BASHING, HMM?

WHAT?

YEAH. YOUR FRIEND HERE
TOOK DOWN A TRANSSEXUAL.

WHAT DID, UH, YOU
KNOW, HE/SHE DO,

MAKE A PASS AT YOU?

YES, SIR, THAT'S RIGHT.

HMM.

HOW DID YOU FIND OUT?

WELL, I'VE GOT A FRIEND
IN THE DEPARTMENT.

I RUN A CHECK ON ANYONE
THAT ARIEL BRINGS HOME.

HELPS ME SLEEP AT NIGHT.

SO, UH, IS THIS WHERE MY
DINNER INVITATION DISAPPEARS?

THIS IS WHERE I TELL YOU...

THAT YOU HAVE ALWAYS
GOT A PLACE AT THIS TABLE.

REALLY? YEP.

YOU WERE TRICKED IN THE
WORST POSSIBLE WAY, HMM?

AND YOU STILL STOOD
UP FOR YOURSELF.

YOU BEHAVED LIKE A MAN,

AND THAT TAKES
BALLS, BY THE WAY,

BECAUSE, BOY, THOSE
TRANNIES CAN BE MEAN,

AND THEY TRAVEL IN PACKS.

OH, DAD, DID I TELL YOU THAT
MATT'S FATHER IS A PLASTIC SURGEON?

AH! SO NOW THEN, YOU GREW
UP WITH ALL THAT LIBERAL,

MULTICULTURAL,
POLYSEXUAL DOUBLESPEAK,

AND YOU STILL TURNED OUT
TO BE A MAN OF HONOR, HUH?

I...

WELL, NOW I'M TRULY
IMPRESSED. BROCCOLI?

THANK YOU.

DID MY DAUGHTER GIVE YOU THAT?

I PIERCED IT FOR HIM.

MM-HMM.

MATT, I'VE GOT A JOB FOR YOU,

AND I THINK YOU'RE UP TO IT.

WELL, I THINK YOU MAY BE
OVERESTIMATING ME, SIR.

HE'S NEVER HAD A SON.

HE'S ALWAYS LOOKING
FOR A PROTéGé.

AND THAT IS A TYPICALLY
OFF-POINT REMARK, SUE.

JEEZ.

NOW, DO YOU THINK
THAT YOU COULD GET ME

THE PATIENT FILES FROM
YOUR FATHER'S OFFICE?

MATT, DO YOU KNOW
WHAT THE PHRASE

"MENTAL DURESS" IS? HMM?

THAT IS WHEN PEOPLE CLAIM

THAT THEIR MENTAL HEALTH
IS BEING JEOPARDIZED

BY SOMETHING THAT THEY
DON'T LIKE ABOUT THEMSELVES,

AND THEN THEY GET THEIR
INSURANCE COMPANIES TO PAY FOR IT.

IT'S WHY JEWS GET
THEIR NOSES FIXED,

GAYS GET THEIR
ORGANS LOPPED OFF,

AND ME AND A LOT OF OTHER
HARDWORKING GUYS LIKE ME

WHO DON'T HAVE TIME
FOR "MENTAL DURESS"

END UP PICKING UP THE
TAB IN HIGHER PREMIUMS.

NOW... LOOK, ONE OF THESE DAYS,

YOU'LL HAVE A
FAMILY OF YOUR OWN.

DAD.

AND YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO CHOOSE

BETWEEN A BIKE FOR YOUR KID

OR HEALTH INSURANCE.

NOW, UNLESS, OF COURSE, YOU
FOLLOW IN YOUR FATHER'S FOOTSTEPS.

NO, THAT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN.

UH-HUH.

UM, WAIT.

HOW DO THE FILES HELP?

LOOK, THEY TELL US WHICH OF
THESE HEALTH INSURANCE COMPANIES

ARE MOST LENIENT WITH
THESE ELECTIVE SURGERIES,

AND THEN WE USE THAT INFORMATION

TO PUT PRESSURE
ON THE GOVERNMENT.

I'LL GO AND HELP
YOU FOR SUPPORT.

LOOK, I DON'T KNOW.

UM...

LOOK, MY... MY PROBLEM IS,

THIS IS MY FAMILY WE'RE
TALKING ABOUT HERE.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I RESPECT THAT.

AND I THINK SUE MAY BE RIGHT.

I THINK I SEE A KINDRED
SPIRIT IN THERE.

MAYBE EVEN A FRIENDSHIP
DOWN THE ROAD, HMM?

FORGIVE ME. I GOT
AHEAD OF MYSELF.

SURE.

"WHAT AN INCREDIBLE
JOURNEY IT'S BEEN,

"WATCHING YOU GROW
FROM THAT PRETTY

"BUT SLIGHTLY SHALLOW GIRL

"TO A DEEP, BEAUTIFUL,
POWERFUL WOMAN.

"YOU INSPIRE ME EVERY DAY
WITH YOUR DIGNITY, KIMBER.

YOUR CAPACITY FOR UNCONDITIONAL
LOVE, YOUR PATIENCE..."

WHY WOULD SHE FLY
OFF THE HANDLE LIKE THIS?

IT'S TEMPORARY, CHRISTIAN.
BRIDES CAN BE IRRATIONAL.

SO, ABOUT YOUR VOWS.

YOU MIGHT LEAVE OUT THE PART

WHERE YOU CALL HER A
"SLIGHTLY SHALLOW GIRL."

RIGHT.

YEAH.

GOT A PEN?

HEY! SORRY I'M LATE.

I HAD TO PICK UP MY TUX
AT THE RENTAL PLACE.

WHY WOULD YOU WAIT UNTIL AN
HOUR BEFORE THE CEREMONY?

I WANT TO BE HERE
FOR YOU, CHRISTIAN,

BUT IT'S KIND OF HARD WHEN YOU'RE
ALL BENT OUT OF SHAPE AND SUPERIOR.

NO, NO, NO. WHAT'S KIND OF HARD

IS WHEN YOUR SON/BEST MAN

SHOWS UP AT YOUR WEDDING

IN STORM TROOPER BOOTS
AND SKINHEAD JEWELRY.

WHY ARE YOU BEING
SUCH A LITTLE SHIT?

ALL RIGHT, CALM DOWN, CALM DOWN.

WE'LL FIND HIM SOME SHOES,

AND HE CAN TAKE OFF HIS EARRING.

IS THAT A FAIR COMPROMISE?

WHY SHOULD I HAVE TO COMPROMISE?

THIS IS WHO I AM.

WHY ISN'T IT GOOD ENOUGH?

WHEN IT'S YOUR WEDDING,

YOU CAN DRESS IN
DRAG FOR ALL I CARE,

BUT TODAY IS MY DAY,
AND I CALL THE SHOTS.

SO I GUESS I'M NOT GOOD
ENOUGH TO BE IN YOUR WEDDING.

DRESSED UP LIKE A GODDAMN
JERRY SPRINGER GUEST?

YOU BETCHA.

COME ON, CHRISTIAN.

NO, IT'S OK.

ACTUALLY, IT'S A RELIEF TO BE
KICKED OUT OF YOUR WEDDING.

STANDING UP FOR
A SELF-IMPORTANT,

HYPOCRITICAL ASSHOLE
SUCH AS YOURSELF

IS THE LAST THING IN
THE WORLD I WANT TO DO.

IT'S VERY SWEET OF YOU TO
BE SO GOOD ABOUT ALL OF THIS.

IT'S ALL GOOD, JULIA.

I DON'T WANT TO BE AT
CHRISTIAN'S WEDDING,

ESPECIALLY AS I WASN'T INVITED.

HI, DOCTOR. GOOD TO SEE
YOU. THANKS FOR COMING.

ENJOY YOURSELF, AND
CALL ME WHEN YOU'RE DONE.

WE CAN HAVE OUR OWN
POST-WEDDING PARTY.

WHAT A COINCIDENCE.

WE'RE BOTH WEARING WHITE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE, GINA?

HOPING I'D GET COLD FEET
SO YOU COULD STEP IN FOR ME?

I JUST HAD TO DROP OFF A
LITTLE SOMETHING FOR THE BRIDE.

IT WOULD MEAN A LOT TO
ME IF YOU OPENED IT NOW.

PICKING OUT THE PERFECT WEDDING
GIFT WAS NO EASY FEAT, KIMMY.

YOU KNOW, I THOUGHT, SHE'S
GOT SOMETHING NEW... HER TITS;

THE GROOM IS BORROWED,
SINCE SOONER OR LATER,

HE'LL RETURN TO THE WOMEN
OF GREATER MIAMI-DADE;

AND AS FOR SOMETHING BLUE,

WELL, THERE WILL BE
PLENTY OF BLUE DAYS

LIVING WITH THE WORLD'S
BIGGEST ASSHOLE,

SO ALL THAT'S MISSING
IS SOMETHING OLD.

WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?

MY OLD DIAPHRAGM.

OH, MY GOD.

IT'S THE ONE I USED
WITH CHRISTIAN.

YOU DON'T WANT TO
GET PREGNANT, KIMBER.

SOONER OR LATER,
HE'S GONNA LEAVE.

DID HE DO THIS TO YOU?

ALL THIS BITTERNESS

AS A RESULT OF
LOVING HIM TOO MUCH?

NO.

I WAS ALWAYS A BITCH.

OH, JESUS.

I DIDN'T THINK I HAD THE POWER

TO UPSET YOU THIS BADLY.

I'M SO AFRAID I'M
MAKING A MISTAKE, GINA.

I'D BE GIVING UP
EVERYTHING FOR HIM.

MY CAREER, MERCHANDISING.

I HAVEN'T EATEN IN DAYS
SO I CAN FIT INTO THIS DRESS.

IT JUST SEEMS LIKE I'M
TRYING TO DISAPPEAR

SO HE'LL ACCEPT ME.

WHAT IF I JUST TURN
INTO NOTHING AT ALL

AND THEN I'M JUST GONNA
END UP LOSING HIM ANYWAY.

WELL, YOU MIGHT
HAVE THOUGHT OF THAT

BEFORE THE INVITATIONS WENT OUT.

OH, YOU NEED TO
FIX YOUR EYE MAKEUP.

YOU HAVE TO GO OUT THERE SOON,

AND YOU LOOK LIKE COURTNEY LOVE.

CLOSE.

NOW, FOR ALL THE SHIT
I SAY ABOUT YOU TWO...

I HOPE I DON'T CHOKE
ON THESE WORDS, BUT...

CHRISTIAN LOVES YOU, KIMBER.

YOU JUST NEED TO BELIEVE IT.

OPEN.

I GUESS I NEEDED A GOOD CRY.

THANKS.

YOU LOOK REALLY PRETTY, KIMBER.

THANK YOU.

NOT AS PRETTY AS ME, THOUGH.

THE DOOR WAS OPEN.

I JUST WANTED TO WISH YOU LUCK.

THANKS.

I COULD USE IT.

WHO TIED THIS? SEAN?

HAVE YOU SEEN KIMBER?

SHE WAS SO CUCKOO LAST NIGHT,

I WOULDN'T BE SURPRISED IF
SHE DOESN'T EVEN SHOW UP.

THERE'S A PART OF ME THAT WISHES

SHE WAS HALFWAY AROUND THE WORLD

AND I COULD JUST TELL
EVERYBODY ELSE TO GO HOME.

YOU'RE OUT OF LUCK. I
SAW HER ON MY WAY IN.

EVERYONE IS TERRIFIED

BEFORE THEIR WEDDING, CHRISTIAN.

YOU KNOW THAT CLICHé
ABOUT LIFE FLASHING

BEFORE YOUR EYES WHEN YOU DIE?

WELL, THE SAME IS
TRUE OF WEDDINGS.

EVERY REASON THAT
MARRIAGE IS WRONG

AND IMPOSSIBLE
RISES TO THE SURFACE.

THAT'S WHY THERE'S SO MUCH
CHAMPAGNE AT WEDDINGS.

THAT'S WHY YOU
SLEPT WITH ME, ISN'T IT?

ALL MY FEARS ABOUT SEAN
GOT TURNED INTO THE NEED

TO FIND OUT IF YOU
WERE REALLY THE ONE.

THERE'S STILL SOMETHING...

SOMETHING UNRESOLVED
BETWEEN US...

AFTER ALL THESE YEARS.

SLEEPING TOGETHER
DIDN'T RESOLVE ANYTHING.

WE SIMPLY MADE A MISTAKE

THAT MANY PEOPLE
PAID DEARLY FOR.

I THINK WE HAVE TO
LOOK AT THESE FEELINGS

AS BEING THE DEMONS THAT SURFACE

WHEN WE TRY AND DO
SOMETHING GOOD FOR OURSELVES.

MARRYING KIMBER IS VERY GOOD.

I WANTED TO MARRY YOU.

IT WOULDN'T HAVE WORKED.

WHAT IF WE'RE MEANT
TO BE TOGETHER?

WHAT IF THE DEMONS
YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT

ARE KEEPING US FROM BEING HAPPY?

YOUR BRIDE IS BEAUTIFUL
AND WAITING FOR YOU.

YOU'RE GONNA GO OUT
THERE AND GET MARRIED.

JULIA, WE'VE BEEN HERE BEFORE.

MAYBE... MAYBE... MAYBE
DESTINY IS IN THE SECOND CHANCE.

IT FEELS THE SAME
AS IT DID 17 YEARS AGO.

IT WAS JUST A KISS, CHRISTIAN.

SOME KISS.

IT'S MY WEDDING PRESENT TO YOU

SO THAT YOU CAN
LET IT GO FOREVER.

I AM NOT GOING TO
LET YOU RUIN YOUR LIFE.

LIKE I RUINED YOURS?

NO.

CHRISTIAN, KIMBER ASKED ME
TO WALK HER DOWN THE AISLE.

ARE YOU OK WITH THAT?

HELLO, JULIA.

HEY, SEAN.

WOW. YOU LOOK FANTASTIC.

WE ALL DO. HA HA HA!

SO MUCH WATER UNDER THE BRIDGE,

AND HERE WE ARE, STILL STANDING.

STILL PRETTY FANTASTIC.

LET'S TOAST US.

TO SURVIVAL WITH GRACE.

COMING, SEAN.

♪ I'VE BEEN LOVING YOU ♪

♪ TOO LONG ♪

♪ TO STOP NOW ♪

♪ YOU ARE TIRED ♪

♪ AND YOU WANT TO BE FREE ♪

♪ MY LOVE IS GROWING STRONGER ♪

♪ AS YOU BECOME A HABIT TO ME ♪

♪ OOH ♪

♪ WITH YOU, MY LIFE ♪

♪ HAS BEEN SO WONDERFUL ♪

♪ I CAN'T STOP NOW ♪

♪ YOU ARE TIRED ♪

♪ AND YOUR LOVE IS... ♪

I DID LOVE HER.

I KNOW YOU DID.

♪ MY LOVE IS GROWING STRONGER ♪

♪ AS OUR AFFAIR,
AFFAIR GROWS OLD... ♪

I DON'T KNOW. MAYBE
I'LL ALWAYS BE ALONE.

MAYBE THAT'S JUST THE
WAY IT'S MEANT TO BE.

YOU KNOW, YOU'VE
NEVER REALLY BEEN ALONE.

REALLY?

MY BRIDE LEFT ME AT THE ALTAR,

MY PARTNER LEFT ME
FOR A MIDLIFE CRISIS.

AM I MISSING SOMETHING?

I CAN HELP YOU WITH
ONE OF THOSE THINGS.

♪ I DON'T WANT TO STOP NOW ♪

I'D LIKE TO COME
BACK TO THE PRACTICE.

♪ OH OH OH ♪

YOU MEAN THAT?

I DO.

♪ OH, BABY ♪

♪ I'M DOWN ON MY KNEES ♪

♪ PLEASE DON'T
MAKE ME STOP NOW ♪

♪ I LOVE ♪

♪ I LOVE YOU ♪

♪ I LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART ♪

♪ BUT I CAN'T STOP NOW ♪

♪ PLEASE ♪

♪ PLEASE ♪

♪ PLEASE, YEAH ♪

♪ DON'T MAKE ME STOP... ♪

CAPTIONING MADE
POSSIBLE BY WARNER BROS.

♪ MAKE ME BEAUTIFUL ♪

♪ LIFE ♪