Nip/Tuck (2003–2010): Season 2, Episode 4 - Mrs. Grubman - full transcript
As Julia and Sean's daughter, Annie, faces puberty, they must both face the harsh realization of maturity and deal with their own issues about getting older. When Gina tells Christian he can no longer be involved in Wilbur's life, Christian is forced to reach out to an old flame in order to build a case to gain sole custody of Wilbur.
All right, you are now
officially a prune...
and it is way past your bedtime.
What's this, honey? Is this blood?
It's a mosquito bite.
I thought the ibuprofen
was in the kitchen.
Honey, maybe Daddy would like to see
your mosquito bite.
My baby's got a bite?
There's some blood
on her underwear. Some spotting.
How did the mosquito
get in your underwear, honey?
- I forgot. They're Torie's underwear.
- Who's Torie?
Suzanne Epstein's daughter.
They're in school together.
Sweetheart, these are your underwear.
We bought them together, remember?
Right.
- Is something wrong?
- No, sweetheart.
It's just that you're starting puberty.
What's puberty?
Lunchtime lipo on a high-school senior.
Amazing.
Nobody wants
a rah-rah girl with cellulite.
The patient's aiming
for a cheerleading scholarship at USF.
Unfortunately, we live in a world
where smooth thighs matter.
We should start offering liposuction
to overweight newborns.
Get those tubby 10-pounders
started off right.
That was a joke, fellas.
You both look like someone
stole your firstborn.
Well, they're certainly trying.
Gina tracked down
Wilber's biological father.
A blood test
confirmed paternity...
and now he's decided to align himself
with her in the custody hearing.
Two biological parents
is a pretty stacked deck, Christian.
A drunken
happy-hour hookup...
does not give this guy
any moral advantage over me, Sean.
Biological or not,
Wilber's my son.
I was just trying to make a point
that biological realities...
are pretty difficult to dispute.
Case in point,
Annie started premenstrual spotting.
Annie's eight.
She's too young for puberty.
Not with the bovine growth
hormones in meat and milk products.
We looked it up online this morning.
Jesus.
I was supposed to have 15 years
to prepare myself...
for my little girl becoming a woman.
She's barely out
of pajamas with feet.
How did this happen?
Good job, gentlemen.
Our patient doesn't look a day over 13.
The girls love a good princess event.
Now, I have nine regular crowns...
and then, one special one
to crown our little Princess Menses.
Annie, in this case.
Suzanne, are you sure
the princess theme...
is the best way to introduce
puberty and menstruation...
This is my fourth
Princess Menses tea party, Julia.
Trust me, I know whereof I speak.
I just thought we'd take
a more empowering kind of approach.
Get off the high horse with me, Julia.
Last time you tried that, you and
your Pilates tranny got bucked big time.
Now, I am here to help out
because Annie and Torie are friends...
not because I value your opinions.
Sweetie, I think you need contacts.
You must be legally blind not to notice
how good my skin is looking these days.
I'm sorry, Suzanne.
I just assumed you'd got shot up again
with BOTOX.
I cancelled my standing
BOTOX appointment...
once I discovered flax seed oil.
Reverses the aging process.
Torie's hormonal horror
was a secret mitzvah for me.
We switched from hormone-laced meats
and dairies to all organic foods...
and now suddenly,
I look 10 years younger.
And this, anti-aging diet really works?
For the whole family, I mean?
Healthy food is the new plastic surgery.
Who knew?
Tell me what you don't like
about yourself today, Mrs. Grubman.
- My knees.
- Your knees?
Thanks to scrupulous due diligence, I have
the face and body of a woman half my age.
My knees give me away.
They're bony,
and they sag like a couch in a crack den.
If you'd like to tone the vastus medialis,
Mrs. Grubman...
- I could recommend some exercises.
- Please. Who has time to exercise?
You'll do a touch of a lipo
to smooth out the dimpling...
thin the bone and then plump it all out
with some collagen.
Well, don't just sit there.
Pull out the appointment book.
Do you lie awake at night
dreaming up ways to torture your body...
and us, Mrs. Grubman?
Spare me the moralistic lecture, Dr. Troy.
If I were paying...
you'd have me on the books
faster than shit goes through a goose.
You've had 10 procedures
in the last six months.
- It's upkeep.
- At this point, it's paleontology.
Mrs. Grubman, you have
a plastic surgery addiction problem.
Consider this your intervention.
Open that book and schedule me
right now, Dr. Troy...
or I'll tell the world
you left an instrument in my stomach...
during my tummy tuck last year.
Mrs. Grubman, the threats need to stop.
Do not underestimate my wrath, fellas.
Or we will have no choice
but to leak this appointment book...
and all the macabre, sad operations...
that you've literally forced us to do,
at knifepoint...
to Women's Wear Daily.
I need that knee lift.
I do not want to give up
wearing miniskirts.
Not now. Not this season.
Mrs. Grubman, I apologize
if our tough-love approach here...
was too tough.
But, honestly, we're just looking out
for your best interests.
That's not why I'm crying.
My daughter has cancer.
Thirty years old,
and she has stage three breast cancer.
- It's in the lymph nodes.
- Mrs. Grubman, I'm so sorry.
I asked the oncologist,
"How could this be?"
Grandmothers get cancer, not daughters.
He said he didn't know why.
She lives under power lines.
She takes birth control pills.
She's always on her cell phone.
You ever noticed how everything...
that's supposed to improve our lives
is killing us?
And me. I've had my good years.
But my daughter is a single mother.
Who's going to raise little Isabella?
Not the worthless turd
who ran out on them.
That leaves me.
Oh, God.
Can you imagine me raising a 4-year-old?
I'm too goddamn old to start over.
I mean I'm 45.
Mrs. Grubman, under the circumstances,
don't you think...
this perhaps, could be
a less than desirable time...
to schedule cosmetic surgery?
On the contrary, Dr. Troy.
We are facing a mastectomy,
chemo, hair loss...
and I say "we"...
because she's not that strong.
I spoiled her rotten.
So call me shallow. Call me pathetic.
But beauty is my strength and my armor.
And I owe it to my girl
to look like a million goddamn bucks.
That's how we're going
to get through this.
How's Thursday at 7:00?
We need to talk.
My lawyer has advised me
not to talk to you.
How about if I do the talking?
Gina's had 292 sexual partners
in the last three years.
She's not fit to be this baby's mother.
You went through her diary.
- James, that's not very nice.
- She left the damn thing out.
I can't leave a defenseless child
with this lady.
You're taking him back to Arizona?
Listen, Christian.
I've tried to imagine the conversation
with my wife...
where I tell her
that after 39 years of marriage...
I had a one-night stand,
and now we must raise another child.
I don't see that conversation taking place.
You love this baby.
You should raise him.
I'd like to help you get custody.
- May I?
- Yes.
I missed you so much. I did.
You want to help me get custody
of this baby, James?
- Get me the diary.
- I can do that.
There's something else you need to know.
She's calling character witnesses
to discredit your reputation.
What are you getting at?
Someone from your past.
A blonde lady
with a disturbing story about a knife.
Ring a bell?
Kimber. Her name is Kimber.
Annie McNamara, we crown you...
Princess Menses.
You are now part of a very special club.
Thanks, Mrs. Epstein.
Okay, royal ones...
now that we've learned about the changes
your body will go through...
I'm going to tell you a little story.
Daddy!
Hey!
I decided this was something I had to see.
- That all right?
- We're thrilled, aren't we, girls?
Excuse me, Julia.
There's never been a male
at a Princess Menses tea before.
Well, I'm her prince.
Yeah. Daddy can be my prince,
Mrs. Epstein.
Ready for the story, girls?
Once upon a time,
in the kingdom of Menses...
a princess was playing
with her handmaidens.
She had just begun menstruating...
and she was showing them
how to use a tampon and a pad...
just like we learned today.
A prince just happened to pass by,
and he thought to himself:
"This princess is so totally hot!"
And he went up to her and said,
"Hey, baby, I'm a prince. Let's hang. "
It's Christian. Confirming lunch today.
I'm really looking forward
to seeing you again.
But the prince was really a wolf.
The princess didn't care.
She put on a cute little outfit
and off she went to meet the prince.
The prince told her
she looked totally dope...
and led her to his crib.
Where is she taking this?
"Take off your clothes, Princess,"
said the prince.
Pressed up against him,
the princess felt a hard bulge.
And the princess replied:
"Do you know what?
You're a wolf, not a prince. "
"And I don't play with liars.
So there, wolfie. "
And then they all played Monopoly
and lived happily ever after.
Juice and
gluten-free cookies on the table.
Suzanne, that was totally over the top.
We were doing just fine
until you walked in.
Your presence made the girls
uncomfortable, and I knew that it would.
Suzanne, I think I speak
for Julia and myself...
when I tell you I don't want my 8-year-old
knowing graphic sexual intimacies.
I get it. You want your baby
to stay innocent for as long as she can.
Yes. We do.
News flash, Julia. Those little angels
are dripping with hormones.
If you don't think
the older boys can smell it...
then you and your daughter
are in for a very rude awakening.
Why are you fighting?
Good to see you.
Cut the crap, Christian.
I know why you wanted to see me.
You invited me to lunch
so you could sweet-talk me...
into keeping my mouth shut
at your custody deposition.
That'll never happen.
I'm starving. Let's order.
When was the last time
you had a meal, sweetheart?
Have you been taking care of yourself?
You look a little...
My life couldn't be better, Christian.
What are you living on
since you and Merrill split the sheets?
That relationship
was totally holding me back.
I've been transitioning into acting.
It's so rewarding to do more
than stand there and pose.
Now I get to stand there and speak.
- Good for you.
- You're patronizing me?
You never did give me one ounce of credit.
I want to know what it's going to take
to get you on my side.
A goddamn miracle, for starters.
I can't lose Wilber, Kimber.
I love him too much.
You couldn't love anybody.
Your heart's made of granite.
You have every right to believe that.
But I am a different man now,
since I had a kid.
I look at him, Kimber, and I just...
I'm lost.
His love is so pure and unconditional.
It's like he's opened up my heart.
Why couldn't you
love me like that, Christian?
I was so good to you.
I could still be good for you.
Remember our sex together?
You said I was the best sex you ever had.
We could live together again.
We could try it again.
And when you're working,
I could be like your maid or something.
Can't you try and love me again?
No.
I have to be able to live with myself now.
I'm Wilber's father.
Excuse me.
Shit!
What took you so long?
Your straw get clogged?
The world isn't
on your time clock, Christian.
There was a line in the ladies' room.
- Several, I'm sure.
- You gave me a migraine.
Waiter. Could you get me
a glass of chardonnay?
Great. Chardonnay ought to put you
right back on track.
FYI, I met some movie producers
who think I'm the bomb...
and they can't wait to get into
the Kimber Henry business.
Jesus, Kimber.
You can take
your holier-than-thou bullshit...
and shove it up your ass, Christian.
I've decided to testify against you.
You're going to go down once and for all.
Oh, my God. What's going on?
Oh, my God.
Aduki beans purify the blood
and flush out toxins.
They also help strengthen
the female organs...
and according to Chinese folk wisdom...
the aduki bean
is considered a source of courage...
that helps people meet challenges bravely.
Yeah, but where do I get the courage
to take the first bite?
You're a big boy, Matt. Just do it.
You first, Dad.
It's quite tasty, Jules.
Okay, look, all I'm asking for is a week.
One week's commitment
to a new way of eating...
that will benefit all of us in the long run.
Annie, honey, what do you think?
I think this soup tastes gross.
- Maybe I added too much brewer's yeast.
- Brewer's yeast?
That's what people give their dogs.
Look, I'm making a grilled cheese.
Anyone else?
Your mother's gone through
a lot of trouble to prepare a healthy feast.
You're not making
a grilled cheese sandwich.
You're not making it
because there's no cheese.
Dairy products are loaded
with hormones these days...
just like our meat and our chicken.
Welcome to the 21st century.
Hijiki seaweed?
Umeboshi paste? Flax seed oil?
I'm sorry, but I should not have
to eat dog food...
because you're worried about
Little Princess Pubes over there.
Matt, sit down and eat your dinner.
Annie, under the heading of, "things Mom
might not remember to mention. "
- Don't wear white pants.
- Matt.
- Why not?
- Well...
there was this girl in the sixth grade,
Becky Sledick.
Becky was wearing white pants on the day
she got her first visit from Aunt Flow.
She had this big old blood stain
on her butt.
Becky Bull's Eye.
We call her that to this very day.
I don't want to get a stain.
- You're excused.
- No, stay. I want to talk to you.
Annie, go start your homework.
We'll check in a minute.
- What is going on with you?
- I'm sorry.
That's not good enough.
You're acting like an asshole.
Look, I just don't want
to eat weird shit for dinner, okay?
You both are so hypocritical, as if it's
her hormones you're worried about...
the truth is you're just being narcissists.
You're both just freaked out
about getting older yourselves.
Good night.
That was a success.
Tomorrow night, we'll have seaweed
and see what fun that unleashes.
- Maybe he needs to see a therapist.
- He needs to be told to shape up.
Sean, this has been going on
since that whole Henry thing.
I think he needs to talk to someone.
Maybe Ava. Maybe she could
help him to open up a little.
If she can teach him the difference
between acceptable and unacceptable...
ways of behaving toward one's family,
I'm all for it.
By the way, I'm wondering
if Matt wasn't the tiniest bit right.
Is the new regime
for little girls or big girls?
It's a good thing
you had these in your purse.
Tilt your head back.
Congratulations, Kimber.
Your little coke jag
has hollowed out your septum...
and eaten a good deal
of your nasal cartilage.
Speak English.
You got a hole in your nose
the size of a quarter, sweetheart.
It is not a pretty sight, nor are you.
You look like dog shit.
You know what?
People were talking shit to me
before the drugs.
I am too old.
Models are dinosaurs at 25.
Well, I'm an actress.
The older I get,
the more interesting I get.
- Sharon Stone was 32 before she hit it big.
- Sharon Stone also had a nose.
The sound of wind whistling through
her bombed-out nasal passages...
didn't distract the fans.
You're a drug addict, Kimber.
Keep on going like this,
and there'll be no career...
and no Prince Charming
to climb the trellis and save you.
What am I supposed to do?
I have no money. I have no insurance.
I'm screwed.
Then today's your lucky day, sweetheart.
Prince Charming is right here
and offering the deal of a lifetime.
I'll rebuild your septum, gratis...
and you tell Gina
you won't take the stand.
We'll both get our dreams.
Hair dye.
I read the darker colors
cause non-Hodgkin's lymphoma.
Diet sodas.
Jules says they concentrate
formaldehyde in fat cells...
and prevent weight loss.
She's rocky.
Her blood pressure's all over the place.
What about surfing?
The ocean is full of toxic waste
which causes cancer.
The game is things people do
to stay young that make them old.
People surf to stay young.
After this operation...
Grubman is not going to be able
to walk for a month...
which means she can't help her daughter
when she needs her the most.
We are playing
into pure narcissism here.
We're surgeons, Liz.
Not shrinks.
Is she stabilizing?
I'm giving her 10 cc's of ephedrine.
Holy shit, she's in v-fib.
I'm getting the crash cart.
200 joules.
Charge to 200.
Clear.
Charge to 300.
Clear.
Come on.
Charge to 360.
360, charge.
Give me an amp of epi.
Clear.
300 milligrams
of amidodarone.
Come on. You're not going to
die on me, you crazy bitch.
What are we going to do if she dies, Sean?
Don't make out the death certificate yet.
We don't even know what happened.
I know what happened in there.
You two mutilating mercenaries
ought to have your licenses revoked.
You must be Claire. I'm Christian Troy.
Why didn't you say no?
She didn't need any more work done.
How could you indulge her?
Typical.
I get cancer,
and my own mother has to top me.
If there's an ounce of negligence
on your part, you will pay.
How is she?
She suffered a massive
intercerebral hemorrhage en route.
- Just tell me if she's going to make it.
- She is.
But she suffered some paralysis.
Her speech will probably
be slurred, so be prepared.
There's nothing
to cause increased blood pressure...
so we ordered tests.
- We're very thorough.
- I know, it's not your doctor's fault.
This would not have shown up
on the pre-op lab work.
But we found traces
of phenelzine in her blood.
MAO Inhibitors, they don't mix well
with anesthesia, as you know.
An antidepressant?
She didn't list that on her chart
or during her pre-op interview.
- Why would she keep that a secret?
- Because she just started taking them.
She felt a lot of shame about that.
It always comes down to vanity with her.
I imagine that she was trying to be strong,
so she could be there for you.
Not my mother.
She started the antidepressant
at least a month ago.
Way before my cancer earned me a spot
on her to-do list.
Have you got any idea
why she was depressed?
I would think that you could
diagnose that in your sleep, Doctors.
God knows you made a fortune off of it.
My mother was deeply depressed
about aging.
The perfect 10
looks like 10 miles of bad road.
What happened to her?
Time hasn't been
good to Kimber. Neither was I.
Come in.
Look, I just want to say I don't...
- What's going on?
- Your sister's not feeling well.
This is insane. They still have me on hold.
What's wrong with her?
I'm not sure what. Her fever's going up.
Julia, hand me that blanket. Sit up, honey.
We're gonna wrap her up,
and take her to the ER.
She's going
to need hydrating, anyway.
Between her breeding party...
and the travelogue
of sexcapades in her diary...
we have an excellent cross section
of inappropriate sexual partners.
Jeremy, I was dead serious
when I said whatever it takes.
My intention is to bring this bitch
to her knees.
Which, ironically,
happens to be her favorite position.
- It's nice to meet you, Mr. Sutherland.
- All right.
Thanks.
You got it.
I got a good feeling about this, James.
This guy Saddler's tough.
Christian, it makes me uneasy...
to hear you talking like this
in front of Wilber.
You don't want him to grow up thinking
his mother is a whore, do you?
James, I need you on board here.
Litigation's hardball,
and I intend on winning.
I guess you're right. What do I know?
Hey, guy, come here.
By the way, I've been meaning to ask you.
What is your religious affiliation?
Well, James, I was raised Catholic.
Still go to church?
No.
Before I leave
I'd like to see my son baptized.
Is there a church you'd like to do it in?
102, this is not good.
I'll begin hydration and start her
on Compazine to stop the vomiting.
- I want a CAT scan.
- I'll go order a CAT scan.
What is he, 12?
Am I going to die?
No, sweetheart, you're not going to die.
This is just a bad flu.
Chew on these ice chips, honey.
- What's wrong?
- I can't feel it.
Can you feel this?
Can you feel this, Princess?
Honey, Mommy's going to look
between your legs, okay?
Extremity numbness
is a symptom of toxic shock.
Bend your knees, honey.
Don't. I need it.
Why were you trying out
one of Mommy's tampons?
Matt said I was going to leave a stain.
I don't want to.
I don't want to get old and bleed.
Hello, Mrs. Grubman.
- I came by to see how you're doing.
- Liar.
Don't worry, I'm not going to sue you.
- Is this a bad time?
- No. She could use a break.
Come on.
I'm not a child.
- So, you looked good on those bars.
- Who are you kidding?
I can't walk.
I can't feed myself.
I need you to do something
for me, Dr. Troy.
Fix my face.
This time I can't.
You've had neurological damage,
and I can't lift that, and I can't repair it.
I'm sorry.
So that's it, then.
I lost the race.
- Who were you running against?
- Time.
Hand me my purse, would you?
Just because I feel dead
doesn't mean I have to look embalmed.
Here.
Here. Let me help you.
- You have a baby, right?
- A boy.
His name is Wilber.
You look like a kid when you say his name.
Now the cheeks.
We're not that different, you and I.
Don't miss out on his childhood...
because you're too busy
looking in the mirror.
There. That's my beautiful girl.
I need one more surgery.
- Mrs. Grubman, I told you I can't...
- No, not for me.
Claire's breast reconstruction.
Of course.
Here we are.
Are you mad at me?
No, sweetheart.
I'm just sad you were so scared
of getting older.
Are you sad about getting older?
Sometimes.
But yet there are some wonderful
things about getting older, too.
Really? Like what?
Well, if you're lucky,
you get a little bit of wisdom...
so you can have nice talks
with your daughter like we're having now.
Is wisdom why you changed our food?
It was horrible, Mom.
Matt wasn't the only one
who felt that way.
That's the other thing about getting older.
It gets a little easier
to admit your mistakes.
Let's get you ready for your bedtime story.
Okay, once upon a time,
there was a princess...
and she liked this prince
and they decided to get married.
Did she wear a wedding dress?
Yeah, and it was beautiful.
And they had a lovely ceremony...
and afterwards they went
on a honeymoon.
Then what happened?
Then, they decided to make a baby.
So here's what they did,
which is what grownups do.
The prince put his penis
in the princess' vagina...
and they all lived happily ever after.
Cut.
End sticks.
Wilber, I baptize thee,
in the name of the Father...
and the Son...
and the Holy Spirit.
Amen.
God the Father now anoints
you with the chrism of salvation.
You are a new creation
and have clothed yourself in Christ.
Go in peace, Wilber.
And may the Lord be with you.
When I was a kid, my grandmother
used to light a candle every Friday.
She said every flickering wick
stood for an unanswered prayer.
- What did you pray for?
- Strength.
It's what I'm going to need
when I tell my wife and sons...
I have another child.
I'd like to hold my son now, James.
He's not your son, Christian.
He's mine. His birth was God's gift to me.
This child has renewed me.
He makes me feel young again.
What are you saying, James?
That you're taking Wilber home with you?
- Yes.
- I won't let that happen.
It's not your choice, Christian.
- You can be his godfather.
- That's not enough.
I'm sorry, Christian.
I'm deeply sorry.
officially a prune...
and it is way past your bedtime.
What's this, honey? Is this blood?
It's a mosquito bite.
I thought the ibuprofen
was in the kitchen.
Honey, maybe Daddy would like to see
your mosquito bite.
My baby's got a bite?
There's some blood
on her underwear. Some spotting.
How did the mosquito
get in your underwear, honey?
- I forgot. They're Torie's underwear.
- Who's Torie?
Suzanne Epstein's daughter.
They're in school together.
Sweetheart, these are your underwear.
We bought them together, remember?
Right.
- Is something wrong?
- No, sweetheart.
It's just that you're starting puberty.
What's puberty?
Lunchtime lipo on a high-school senior.
Amazing.
Nobody wants
a rah-rah girl with cellulite.
The patient's aiming
for a cheerleading scholarship at USF.
Unfortunately, we live in a world
where smooth thighs matter.
We should start offering liposuction
to overweight newborns.
Get those tubby 10-pounders
started off right.
That was a joke, fellas.
You both look like someone
stole your firstborn.
Well, they're certainly trying.
Gina tracked down
Wilber's biological father.
A blood test
confirmed paternity...
and now he's decided to align himself
with her in the custody hearing.
Two biological parents
is a pretty stacked deck, Christian.
A drunken
happy-hour hookup...
does not give this guy
any moral advantage over me, Sean.
Biological or not,
Wilber's my son.
I was just trying to make a point
that biological realities...
are pretty difficult to dispute.
Case in point,
Annie started premenstrual spotting.
Annie's eight.
She's too young for puberty.
Not with the bovine growth
hormones in meat and milk products.
We looked it up online this morning.
Jesus.
I was supposed to have 15 years
to prepare myself...
for my little girl becoming a woman.
She's barely out
of pajamas with feet.
How did this happen?
Good job, gentlemen.
Our patient doesn't look a day over 13.
The girls love a good princess event.
Now, I have nine regular crowns...
and then, one special one
to crown our little Princess Menses.
Annie, in this case.
Suzanne, are you sure
the princess theme...
is the best way to introduce
puberty and menstruation...
This is my fourth
Princess Menses tea party, Julia.
Trust me, I know whereof I speak.
I just thought we'd take
a more empowering kind of approach.
Get off the high horse with me, Julia.
Last time you tried that, you and
your Pilates tranny got bucked big time.
Now, I am here to help out
because Annie and Torie are friends...
not because I value your opinions.
Sweetie, I think you need contacts.
You must be legally blind not to notice
how good my skin is looking these days.
I'm sorry, Suzanne.
I just assumed you'd got shot up again
with BOTOX.
I cancelled my standing
BOTOX appointment...
once I discovered flax seed oil.
Reverses the aging process.
Torie's hormonal horror
was a secret mitzvah for me.
We switched from hormone-laced meats
and dairies to all organic foods...
and now suddenly,
I look 10 years younger.
And this, anti-aging diet really works?
For the whole family, I mean?
Healthy food is the new plastic surgery.
Who knew?
Tell me what you don't like
about yourself today, Mrs. Grubman.
- My knees.
- Your knees?
Thanks to scrupulous due diligence, I have
the face and body of a woman half my age.
My knees give me away.
They're bony,
and they sag like a couch in a crack den.
If you'd like to tone the vastus medialis,
Mrs. Grubman...
- I could recommend some exercises.
- Please. Who has time to exercise?
You'll do a touch of a lipo
to smooth out the dimpling...
thin the bone and then plump it all out
with some collagen.
Well, don't just sit there.
Pull out the appointment book.
Do you lie awake at night
dreaming up ways to torture your body...
and us, Mrs. Grubman?
Spare me the moralistic lecture, Dr. Troy.
If I were paying...
you'd have me on the books
faster than shit goes through a goose.
You've had 10 procedures
in the last six months.
- It's upkeep.
- At this point, it's paleontology.
Mrs. Grubman, you have
a plastic surgery addiction problem.
Consider this your intervention.
Open that book and schedule me
right now, Dr. Troy...
or I'll tell the world
you left an instrument in my stomach...
during my tummy tuck last year.
Mrs. Grubman, the threats need to stop.
Do not underestimate my wrath, fellas.
Or we will have no choice
but to leak this appointment book...
and all the macabre, sad operations...
that you've literally forced us to do,
at knifepoint...
to Women's Wear Daily.
I need that knee lift.
I do not want to give up
wearing miniskirts.
Not now. Not this season.
Mrs. Grubman, I apologize
if our tough-love approach here...
was too tough.
But, honestly, we're just looking out
for your best interests.
That's not why I'm crying.
My daughter has cancer.
Thirty years old,
and she has stage three breast cancer.
- It's in the lymph nodes.
- Mrs. Grubman, I'm so sorry.
I asked the oncologist,
"How could this be?"
Grandmothers get cancer, not daughters.
He said he didn't know why.
She lives under power lines.
She takes birth control pills.
She's always on her cell phone.
You ever noticed how everything...
that's supposed to improve our lives
is killing us?
And me. I've had my good years.
But my daughter is a single mother.
Who's going to raise little Isabella?
Not the worthless turd
who ran out on them.
That leaves me.
Oh, God.
Can you imagine me raising a 4-year-old?
I'm too goddamn old to start over.
I mean I'm 45.
Mrs. Grubman, under the circumstances,
don't you think...
this perhaps, could be
a less than desirable time...
to schedule cosmetic surgery?
On the contrary, Dr. Troy.
We are facing a mastectomy,
chemo, hair loss...
and I say "we"...
because she's not that strong.
I spoiled her rotten.
So call me shallow. Call me pathetic.
But beauty is my strength and my armor.
And I owe it to my girl
to look like a million goddamn bucks.
That's how we're going
to get through this.
How's Thursday at 7:00?
We need to talk.
My lawyer has advised me
not to talk to you.
How about if I do the talking?
Gina's had 292 sexual partners
in the last three years.
She's not fit to be this baby's mother.
You went through her diary.
- James, that's not very nice.
- She left the damn thing out.
I can't leave a defenseless child
with this lady.
You're taking him back to Arizona?
Listen, Christian.
I've tried to imagine the conversation
with my wife...
where I tell her
that after 39 years of marriage...
I had a one-night stand,
and now we must raise another child.
I don't see that conversation taking place.
You love this baby.
You should raise him.
I'd like to help you get custody.
- May I?
- Yes.
I missed you so much. I did.
You want to help me get custody
of this baby, James?
- Get me the diary.
- I can do that.
There's something else you need to know.
She's calling character witnesses
to discredit your reputation.
What are you getting at?
Someone from your past.
A blonde lady
with a disturbing story about a knife.
Ring a bell?
Kimber. Her name is Kimber.
Annie McNamara, we crown you...
Princess Menses.
You are now part of a very special club.
Thanks, Mrs. Epstein.
Okay, royal ones...
now that we've learned about the changes
your body will go through...
I'm going to tell you a little story.
Daddy!
Hey!
I decided this was something I had to see.
- That all right?
- We're thrilled, aren't we, girls?
Excuse me, Julia.
There's never been a male
at a Princess Menses tea before.
Well, I'm her prince.
Yeah. Daddy can be my prince,
Mrs. Epstein.
Ready for the story, girls?
Once upon a time,
in the kingdom of Menses...
a princess was playing
with her handmaidens.
She had just begun menstruating...
and she was showing them
how to use a tampon and a pad...
just like we learned today.
A prince just happened to pass by,
and he thought to himself:
"This princess is so totally hot!"
And he went up to her and said,
"Hey, baby, I'm a prince. Let's hang. "
It's Christian. Confirming lunch today.
I'm really looking forward
to seeing you again.
But the prince was really a wolf.
The princess didn't care.
She put on a cute little outfit
and off she went to meet the prince.
The prince told her
she looked totally dope...
and led her to his crib.
Where is she taking this?
"Take off your clothes, Princess,"
said the prince.
Pressed up against him,
the princess felt a hard bulge.
And the princess replied:
"Do you know what?
You're a wolf, not a prince. "
"And I don't play with liars.
So there, wolfie. "
And then they all played Monopoly
and lived happily ever after.
Juice and
gluten-free cookies on the table.
Suzanne, that was totally over the top.
We were doing just fine
until you walked in.
Your presence made the girls
uncomfortable, and I knew that it would.
Suzanne, I think I speak
for Julia and myself...
when I tell you I don't want my 8-year-old
knowing graphic sexual intimacies.
I get it. You want your baby
to stay innocent for as long as she can.
Yes. We do.
News flash, Julia. Those little angels
are dripping with hormones.
If you don't think
the older boys can smell it...
then you and your daughter
are in for a very rude awakening.
Why are you fighting?
Good to see you.
Cut the crap, Christian.
I know why you wanted to see me.
You invited me to lunch
so you could sweet-talk me...
into keeping my mouth shut
at your custody deposition.
That'll never happen.
I'm starving. Let's order.
When was the last time
you had a meal, sweetheart?
Have you been taking care of yourself?
You look a little...
My life couldn't be better, Christian.
What are you living on
since you and Merrill split the sheets?
That relationship
was totally holding me back.
I've been transitioning into acting.
It's so rewarding to do more
than stand there and pose.
Now I get to stand there and speak.
- Good for you.
- You're patronizing me?
You never did give me one ounce of credit.
I want to know what it's going to take
to get you on my side.
A goddamn miracle, for starters.
I can't lose Wilber, Kimber.
I love him too much.
You couldn't love anybody.
Your heart's made of granite.
You have every right to believe that.
But I am a different man now,
since I had a kid.
I look at him, Kimber, and I just...
I'm lost.
His love is so pure and unconditional.
It's like he's opened up my heart.
Why couldn't you
love me like that, Christian?
I was so good to you.
I could still be good for you.
Remember our sex together?
You said I was the best sex you ever had.
We could live together again.
We could try it again.
And when you're working,
I could be like your maid or something.
Can't you try and love me again?
No.
I have to be able to live with myself now.
I'm Wilber's father.
Excuse me.
Shit!
What took you so long?
Your straw get clogged?
The world isn't
on your time clock, Christian.
There was a line in the ladies' room.
- Several, I'm sure.
- You gave me a migraine.
Waiter. Could you get me
a glass of chardonnay?
Great. Chardonnay ought to put you
right back on track.
FYI, I met some movie producers
who think I'm the bomb...
and they can't wait to get into
the Kimber Henry business.
Jesus, Kimber.
You can take
your holier-than-thou bullshit...
and shove it up your ass, Christian.
I've decided to testify against you.
You're going to go down once and for all.
Oh, my God. What's going on?
Oh, my God.
Aduki beans purify the blood
and flush out toxins.
They also help strengthen
the female organs...
and according to Chinese folk wisdom...
the aduki bean
is considered a source of courage...
that helps people meet challenges bravely.
Yeah, but where do I get the courage
to take the first bite?
You're a big boy, Matt. Just do it.
You first, Dad.
It's quite tasty, Jules.
Okay, look, all I'm asking for is a week.
One week's commitment
to a new way of eating...
that will benefit all of us in the long run.
Annie, honey, what do you think?
I think this soup tastes gross.
- Maybe I added too much brewer's yeast.
- Brewer's yeast?
That's what people give their dogs.
Look, I'm making a grilled cheese.
Anyone else?
Your mother's gone through
a lot of trouble to prepare a healthy feast.
You're not making
a grilled cheese sandwich.
You're not making it
because there's no cheese.
Dairy products are loaded
with hormones these days...
just like our meat and our chicken.
Welcome to the 21st century.
Hijiki seaweed?
Umeboshi paste? Flax seed oil?
I'm sorry, but I should not have
to eat dog food...
because you're worried about
Little Princess Pubes over there.
Matt, sit down and eat your dinner.
Annie, under the heading of, "things Mom
might not remember to mention. "
- Don't wear white pants.
- Matt.
- Why not?
- Well...
there was this girl in the sixth grade,
Becky Sledick.
Becky was wearing white pants on the day
she got her first visit from Aunt Flow.
She had this big old blood stain
on her butt.
Becky Bull's Eye.
We call her that to this very day.
I don't want to get a stain.
- You're excused.
- No, stay. I want to talk to you.
Annie, go start your homework.
We'll check in a minute.
- What is going on with you?
- I'm sorry.
That's not good enough.
You're acting like an asshole.
Look, I just don't want
to eat weird shit for dinner, okay?
You both are so hypocritical, as if it's
her hormones you're worried about...
the truth is you're just being narcissists.
You're both just freaked out
about getting older yourselves.
Good night.
That was a success.
Tomorrow night, we'll have seaweed
and see what fun that unleashes.
- Maybe he needs to see a therapist.
- He needs to be told to shape up.
Sean, this has been going on
since that whole Henry thing.
I think he needs to talk to someone.
Maybe Ava. Maybe she could
help him to open up a little.
If she can teach him the difference
between acceptable and unacceptable...
ways of behaving toward one's family,
I'm all for it.
By the way, I'm wondering
if Matt wasn't the tiniest bit right.
Is the new regime
for little girls or big girls?
It's a good thing
you had these in your purse.
Tilt your head back.
Congratulations, Kimber.
Your little coke jag
has hollowed out your septum...
and eaten a good deal
of your nasal cartilage.
Speak English.
You got a hole in your nose
the size of a quarter, sweetheart.
It is not a pretty sight, nor are you.
You look like dog shit.
You know what?
People were talking shit to me
before the drugs.
I am too old.
Models are dinosaurs at 25.
Well, I'm an actress.
The older I get,
the more interesting I get.
- Sharon Stone was 32 before she hit it big.
- Sharon Stone also had a nose.
The sound of wind whistling through
her bombed-out nasal passages...
didn't distract the fans.
You're a drug addict, Kimber.
Keep on going like this,
and there'll be no career...
and no Prince Charming
to climb the trellis and save you.
What am I supposed to do?
I have no money. I have no insurance.
I'm screwed.
Then today's your lucky day, sweetheart.
Prince Charming is right here
and offering the deal of a lifetime.
I'll rebuild your septum, gratis...
and you tell Gina
you won't take the stand.
We'll both get our dreams.
Hair dye.
I read the darker colors
cause non-Hodgkin's lymphoma.
Diet sodas.
Jules says they concentrate
formaldehyde in fat cells...
and prevent weight loss.
She's rocky.
Her blood pressure's all over the place.
What about surfing?
The ocean is full of toxic waste
which causes cancer.
The game is things people do
to stay young that make them old.
People surf to stay young.
After this operation...
Grubman is not going to be able
to walk for a month...
which means she can't help her daughter
when she needs her the most.
We are playing
into pure narcissism here.
We're surgeons, Liz.
Not shrinks.
Is she stabilizing?
I'm giving her 10 cc's of ephedrine.
Holy shit, she's in v-fib.
I'm getting the crash cart.
200 joules.
Charge to 200.
Clear.
Charge to 300.
Clear.
Come on.
Charge to 360.
360, charge.
Give me an amp of epi.
Clear.
300 milligrams
of amidodarone.
Come on. You're not going to
die on me, you crazy bitch.
What are we going to do if she dies, Sean?
Don't make out the death certificate yet.
We don't even know what happened.
I know what happened in there.
You two mutilating mercenaries
ought to have your licenses revoked.
You must be Claire. I'm Christian Troy.
Why didn't you say no?
She didn't need any more work done.
How could you indulge her?
Typical.
I get cancer,
and my own mother has to top me.
If there's an ounce of negligence
on your part, you will pay.
How is she?
She suffered a massive
intercerebral hemorrhage en route.
- Just tell me if she's going to make it.
- She is.
But she suffered some paralysis.
Her speech will probably
be slurred, so be prepared.
There's nothing
to cause increased blood pressure...
so we ordered tests.
- We're very thorough.
- I know, it's not your doctor's fault.
This would not have shown up
on the pre-op lab work.
But we found traces
of phenelzine in her blood.
MAO Inhibitors, they don't mix well
with anesthesia, as you know.
An antidepressant?
She didn't list that on her chart
or during her pre-op interview.
- Why would she keep that a secret?
- Because she just started taking them.
She felt a lot of shame about that.
It always comes down to vanity with her.
I imagine that she was trying to be strong,
so she could be there for you.
Not my mother.
She started the antidepressant
at least a month ago.
Way before my cancer earned me a spot
on her to-do list.
Have you got any idea
why she was depressed?
I would think that you could
diagnose that in your sleep, Doctors.
God knows you made a fortune off of it.
My mother was deeply depressed
about aging.
The perfect 10
looks like 10 miles of bad road.
What happened to her?
Time hasn't been
good to Kimber. Neither was I.
Come in.
Look, I just want to say I don't...
- What's going on?
- Your sister's not feeling well.
This is insane. They still have me on hold.
What's wrong with her?
I'm not sure what. Her fever's going up.
Julia, hand me that blanket. Sit up, honey.
We're gonna wrap her up,
and take her to the ER.
She's going
to need hydrating, anyway.
Between her breeding party...
and the travelogue
of sexcapades in her diary...
we have an excellent cross section
of inappropriate sexual partners.
Jeremy, I was dead serious
when I said whatever it takes.
My intention is to bring this bitch
to her knees.
Which, ironically,
happens to be her favorite position.
- It's nice to meet you, Mr. Sutherland.
- All right.
Thanks.
You got it.
I got a good feeling about this, James.
This guy Saddler's tough.
Christian, it makes me uneasy...
to hear you talking like this
in front of Wilber.
You don't want him to grow up thinking
his mother is a whore, do you?
James, I need you on board here.
Litigation's hardball,
and I intend on winning.
I guess you're right. What do I know?
Hey, guy, come here.
By the way, I've been meaning to ask you.
What is your religious affiliation?
Well, James, I was raised Catholic.
Still go to church?
No.
Before I leave
I'd like to see my son baptized.
Is there a church you'd like to do it in?
102, this is not good.
I'll begin hydration and start her
on Compazine to stop the vomiting.
- I want a CAT scan.
- I'll go order a CAT scan.
What is he, 12?
Am I going to die?
No, sweetheart, you're not going to die.
This is just a bad flu.
Chew on these ice chips, honey.
- What's wrong?
- I can't feel it.
Can you feel this?
Can you feel this, Princess?
Honey, Mommy's going to look
between your legs, okay?
Extremity numbness
is a symptom of toxic shock.
Bend your knees, honey.
Don't. I need it.
Why were you trying out
one of Mommy's tampons?
Matt said I was going to leave a stain.
I don't want to.
I don't want to get old and bleed.
Hello, Mrs. Grubman.
- I came by to see how you're doing.
- Liar.
Don't worry, I'm not going to sue you.
- Is this a bad time?
- No. She could use a break.
Come on.
I'm not a child.
- So, you looked good on those bars.
- Who are you kidding?
I can't walk.
I can't feed myself.
I need you to do something
for me, Dr. Troy.
Fix my face.
This time I can't.
You've had neurological damage,
and I can't lift that, and I can't repair it.
I'm sorry.
So that's it, then.
I lost the race.
- Who were you running against?
- Time.
Hand me my purse, would you?
Just because I feel dead
doesn't mean I have to look embalmed.
Here.
Here. Let me help you.
- You have a baby, right?
- A boy.
His name is Wilber.
You look like a kid when you say his name.
Now the cheeks.
We're not that different, you and I.
Don't miss out on his childhood...
because you're too busy
looking in the mirror.
There. That's my beautiful girl.
I need one more surgery.
- Mrs. Grubman, I told you I can't...
- No, not for me.
Claire's breast reconstruction.
Of course.
Here we are.
Are you mad at me?
No, sweetheart.
I'm just sad you were so scared
of getting older.
Are you sad about getting older?
Sometimes.
But yet there are some wonderful
things about getting older, too.
Really? Like what?
Well, if you're lucky,
you get a little bit of wisdom...
so you can have nice talks
with your daughter like we're having now.
Is wisdom why you changed our food?
It was horrible, Mom.
Matt wasn't the only one
who felt that way.
That's the other thing about getting older.
It gets a little easier
to admit your mistakes.
Let's get you ready for your bedtime story.
Okay, once upon a time,
there was a princess...
and she liked this prince
and they decided to get married.
Did she wear a wedding dress?
Yeah, and it was beautiful.
And they had a lovely ceremony...
and afterwards they went
on a honeymoon.
Then what happened?
Then, they decided to make a baby.
So here's what they did,
which is what grownups do.
The prince put his penis
in the princess' vagina...
and they all lived happily ever after.
Cut.
End sticks.
Wilber, I baptize thee,
in the name of the Father...
and the Son...
and the Holy Spirit.
Amen.
God the Father now anoints
you with the chrism of salvation.
You are a new creation
and have clothed yourself in Christ.
Go in peace, Wilber.
And may the Lord be with you.
When I was a kid, my grandmother
used to light a candle every Friday.
She said every flickering wick
stood for an unanswered prayer.
- What did you pray for?
- Strength.
It's what I'm going to need
when I tell my wife and sons...
I have another child.
I'd like to hold my son now, James.
He's not your son, Christian.
He's mine. His birth was God's gift to me.
This child has renewed me.
He makes me feel young again.
What are you saying, James?
That you're taking Wilber home with you?
- Yes.
- I won't let that happen.
It's not your choice, Christian.
- You can be his godfather.
- That's not enough.
I'm sorry, Christian.
I'm deeply sorry.