Night Court (2023–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - The Apartment - full transcript
-Dan, come on over.
The water's fine.
-I have the same water as you,
and you know it's not fine.
-Alright, well,
you're missing out,
'cause we're having a
pretty good time over here.
-Ah!
-What? What is it?
-It's nothing, your
odor... Your Honor.
-Hypothetically, if
you had a co-worker
who smelled like soggy
cardboard in the back of a taxi,
would you want me to
tell you that that's you?
-I'm having some issues
with my apartment.
It's above a German beer
hall, so no matter what I do,
I smell like a combination
of sauerkraut, mustard,
and soccer fan B.O.
Yeah, it's not my dream
apartment, but it's New York.
Nobody spends time
inside anyway.
And it will be even less
when my fiancé, Rand,
visits this weekend.
He wants to go see the
ladies of "The View."
Not the show. He
knows where they live
for some reason.
So, it's totally
fine. It's fine.
-It's not fine for people
who are close to you
and still have a nose.
You need a new apartment. You
know, and you happen to be
in the building with
the info to get it.
What you do is that you find
whoever has this place wired,
and you're set.
-Claire, looking good.
Donnie, I loved
your one-man show.
Timo! How's your
mama's psoriasis?
Well, tell her to keep her head
up and her scalp moisturized.
-I see where this is going.
Fine, I'll help you.
-So, Gurgs,
how's your life going?
-Great as always. I
got a quesadilla maker.
With a little bit of cheese,
I can turn anything
into a quesadilla.
This folder? Quesadilla.
This shirt?
Quesadilla.
-I heard you might, uh,
know certain things,
like places where
people, um, dwell.
-What the judge is trying to
ask is can you help her find
a new apartment that
doesn't make her smell
like the inside of a
men's-only omelet cafe?
-Thank you, Dan.
I'd just love to have something
to show Rand this weekend.
We've been doing the
long-distance thing,
but we make it fun.
There's a nice little
diner halfway between us
that specializes in something
called Oneonta Clam Chowder,
which is gray.
-Well, I'm glad you
came to me for help.
I'm a great amateur Realtor.
I found my friend Cheryl
an amazing storefront
where she sells garbage cams.
- Cans.
- Cams.
-Cans.
Cans.
- Cams.
-Okay, I think we got it.
-And finding you a place
will be super easy.
I mean, who wouldn't want
a judge owing them a favor?
-Uh, I'd rather my position
not be a part of it.
I became a judge because I want
to help people,
not for the perks.
-Okay, so you got a moral code.
That's gonna make this harder.
But I got this.
Would you be okay if
people watched you sleep
as part of an art experiment?
-Abby will find a place, and
she'll look back on this fondly,
because having a bad
apartment in New York
is a rite of passage,
like telling your friend
you loved his play.
-I lived under a cannery once.
Did you know fish scream?
-Aah!
-That's male salmon.
-I think I left something
in the cafeteria.
Mm-hmm. Yeah, yeah.
It was my charger
for my, uh,
bippity-bip, ring-ring.
-Whoa. Wait. What's happening?
- Oh. Is that her?
- Is what? Is that who?
I've never met anyone. Let's go.
- No, wait, just...
I never thought I'd say this
to anybody in this building,
but, Neil, please, tell me more.
-A few years ago,
Olivia was up for a job
at one of those big law firms
that represents all
the terrible people.
- Congratulations.
- Thank you.
-So, she bombs the interview,
chases that woman
down, corners her...
-No, I nailed the interview,
and then after, in the lobby,
I bumped into one of
the partners, Lesley,
and I got a little flustered
trying to engage in
polite conversation,
you know, like, "How do
you take your pudding?"
Dear God.
-And... And... And then I
accidentally crammed myself
into the same section
of the revolving door
that she was in,
and it got stuck.
-For six hours, and she talked
about pudding the whole time.
That is
a career ruiner,
but on the bright side, you
have made me very happy.
-Can we stop talking
about this now?
'Cause I hate this story.
-Oh, y'all talking
about door pudding?
I love that story.
-What is she even doing here?
I-I thought I would never
have to see that woman again.
-It looks like she has a
case here tomorrow night.
-What? I'm gonna be in
court tomorrow night.
That means I'm gonna
have to look at her.
And she's gonna be
able to look at me.
-Well, that's how being in the
same room with a person works.
-Y'all gonna come in here
and do your job or what?
-The State is charging
Mr. Simms with assault.
He had an altercation
with his landlord,
who evicted him after his
ninth noise complaint.
-But, Your Honor, you
got to understand,
I'm just trying to write
that one perfect song.
-Let's not.
Assault? Your Honor, this was
a simple misunderstanding.
My client accidentally
pushed his landlord
as he was being evicted
from his home of 12 years.
-Bailiff, do you need a moment?
-I'm fine, Your Honor.
Eviction, huh?
That's interesting.
An empty apartment.
Empty like crazy.
-Bailiff, approach the bench.
-Oh. I never get to do this.
-Did you move an eviction
case to the top of the pile?
-No, Your Honor.
I infiltrated the entire pile.
The day clerk owed me a favor,
so I got him to kick us
all his eviction cases.
-I don't think I love this
version of house hunting.
-Why? You're not doing anything
wrong. You're just sitting here,
listening to details. Enjoy.
-Your Honor, Mr. Simms has lived
in his Gramercy Park apartment
since...
- Hmm.
- 2010.
He was distraught. He
was being thrown out
of a home that he had
spent years renovating.
-Mm.
-Your Honor, none of
this excuses the injuries
that my client and his...
Injuries that, uh...
Sorry. What I was
trying to say was...
he go jail now.
-Okay, the people
have failed to prove
that this was not an accident.
Mr. Simms, you're free to go.
And for the record, there
already is a perfect song.
It's called "You Oughta Know,"
and it's by Alanis Morissette.
Counselors, approach.
What am I missing here?
- Uh, sorry.
It's just, there's a woman here
who, um, rejected me for a job.
So, I-I just need a
second to get it together.
-I don't know about that. I
think you had the "So, um,
he go jail now"
prosecution down perfect.
-Mr. Fielding, it's not polite
to razz the prosecution.
-That wasn't razzing.
That was mocking.
-Okay, let's take five.
-Oh, that's how I know you.
You're door pudding.
-Yes.
Welcome.
-I'm just here scoping out this
place before my trial tomorrow.
You know, I'm surprised
someone with your potential
would end up here.
-You do an amazing
impression of my mother.
-Unless it's actually
a pretty smart play.
Build up trial
experience, get some wins.
I'll be interested to
see what you do tomorrow.
-Oh. Right. Tomorrow.
That's two days after yesterday.
And the day that I'll
be calling in sick.
I'll just say that I ate
whatever Abby smells like.
-Hey, it's whatever "Her
Honor" smells like to you.
Ugh, it's on the gavel now.
-Call in sick?
What are you talking about?
She was courting you.
- She was?
- Yes, yes.
She was hinting that you
still got a shot at this job.
I mean, it was so obvious,
even Neil could pick up on it.
- What did I pick up on?
- Oh. No, he didn't.
But all you have to do is show
her what you've got tomorrow.
-I can't go up against
her in a conversation.
What are the odds I'm
gonna beat her in a trial?
-Alright, look, if you're that
nervous, I can help you prepare.
-Why would you do that?
You want something from me.
-All I want is the
fulfillment I get
from passing along my
guidance and wisdom
to the next generation.
- Uh-huh.
-And a bagel and
lox from Zabar's
every Saturday morning
for the next four months.
Yeah. Okay.
I'll take the help.
- Uh, Olivia?
- Uh-huh.
-You forget the
capers, I'll ruin you.
-I really appreciate everything
you've been doing, Gurgs,
but I just can't
take the apartment
of someone who's
just been evicted.
-Loud and clear.
You don't feel good
about using the court
to get you stuff.
But you do like finding the
good in a bad situation.
That gave me the inspiration
for the death
certificate office.
These people don't need
in-unit washer/dryers.
They're in God's hamper now.
-Still, it's a
little creepy, right?
-Everybody thinks that,
but there's actually nothing
creepy about this place.
Hey, Sandy.
You been working out?
-There are some
nice zip codes here.
But still, it's just not ideal
that my first
apartment with Rand
is somewhere where "two
people exploded each other."
Aww, hope it was for love.
-No, keep reading.
It says it wasn't.
-Okay, you know what?
I actually think that my
current apartment isn't so bad.
Smelling like sausages
does have its upside.
Who doesn't love a bunch of
dogs following them around?
-Well, I'm sorry
I couldn't help,
but why don't you come over
to my place tomorrow morning
before Rand gets here, have
some brunch quesadillas,
and take a shower where
you won't come out
smelling worse than
when you started?
-I-I don't think I should.
We should really keep
this professional.
Actually, please let me.
I've snuck into the
Equinox so many times,
they're now keeping guards
outside the showers.
- Come on in.
- I brought my own towel.
Ah, but now I'm feeling
weird about drying my body
with something I
carried on the subway,
so I still need
to borrow a towel.
Why is there no furniture?
-I am embracing minimalism.
I had to get you
to see this place.
It's perfect, and you can barely
sense that someone died here
of auto-erotic, uh...
natural causes.
-Alright. So, first, we got to
get you in the right headspace.
Visualize yourself in the
courtroom, in control.
You are powerful,
tall, masculine.
You're me.
-I don't think this is helping.
- Do I have to stay for this?
- Yes.
You are an integral
part of the process.
Our remote control.
Now, play the tape of
Lesley in day court.
Now, watch the way she moves.
There's... There's
a cocky strut there.
-Yeah, and look at
that day clerk, Clint,
peacocking around
in his bolo tie.
-Now, if you mimic
her movements,
you will confuse
and frighten her.
Now, watch the way she
walks there. You see that?
There's a bit of a-a
lean to it there. Right?
Uh-huh. Yeah, like
that, like that.
Now, remember, this
is your home court.
You're in control. You
know, take up space.
Don't give her any space.
More... Well, maybe
not that much space.
-Okay, I can't do
this! I can't do it!
I-I can't walk like her.
I can't talk like her.
I am never gonna beat her.
I just... I give up.
- You can't give up.
You've got to make up
for the oyster thing.
I-I mean for the door thing.
-Oh, that'swhat this is about.
Some oyster thing.
This isn't about me.
This is about you.
-Yes, of course it's about me.
Everything's about me.
I was up for a job
at an ampersand firm,
and I was so close to getting it
that the partners even took me
out for a celebratory lunch.
I decided I would impress them
with my expert
oyster-shucking skills.
Unfortunately, earlier, I
had already impressed them
with my whiskey drinking skills.
And the oyster knife slipped,
and I stabbed the
oldest partner.
Small tip... don't pull
the knife back out.
Also, don't put it back in.
Even when everybody's screaming,
"Why did you pull it out?!"
That one little mistake cost
me a job and my future career,
but you, you have a chance
to rewrite your origin story.
You show Lesley up, and
it'll be a win for you,
but more importantly,
it would be a win
for night court
lawyers everywhere.
Even more importantly than
that, it'll be a win for me.
-Gurgs, we talked about this.
-I'm sorry I tricked you, but
this place is such a find.
2 bed, 1-1/2 bath, fireplace.
Smell that.
That's nothing. Your
apartment don't have to
smell like anything.
-I wish that was true. I just...
I don't want to use the
fact that I'm a judge
to help me get into a...
- No.
You are always trying to find
the bright side of things.
Can't you find the bright side
of getting first dibs
on a place like this?
-It is nice. I guess I
could just look around.
-Yeah, you could.
-I mean, that
wouldn't be unethical.
-It would be ethical as hell.
Just one caveat, barely
worth mentioning.
New York City landlords
don't like renting
to judges or lawyers, so
if he asks, you make teeth.
Arnold!
This is my friend Abby
I was telling you about.
-I-I make teeth.
- Is that interesting work, or...
- Oh, is it ever. Yeah.
I-I love looking
in people's mouths.
It's... It's like a hot,
weird cave in there.
-Well, actually,
I was wondering,
my son, he just grew
in an extra tooth.
Is that normal?
- Oh, yeah, yeah. So normal.
The, um... The average
human...
has anywhere between
19 and 50 teeth.
-Well, I'll... I'll just,
uh... I'll follow up
on your references,
and I'll be in touch.
-Fingers crossed.
Or, as we say in the
tooth business...
-It's in the tooth
fairy's hands now.
May that wily bitch
bless us this day.
- Rewrite my story.
- Rewrite your story.
-Rewrite it, girl.
Notice anything different
"bolo" my neck?
-Wait, where's Lesley?
-She had to go handle
a higher profile case.
Bludgeoning.
So you guys get the Devinator.
Sorry, I should have
started with, "I'm Devin."
-Of course I'm not going to
get to go up against Lesley,
because my life has been
cursed since the day I met her.
And much like that
revolving door,
I am now stuck in a sweaty
chamber of my own failure.
-You know, I said this is
about me, but it isn't.
It's about you.
Alright, look, this
type of disappointment
is still fresh to you.
After I shucked my
way out of that job,
I beat myself up for years,
but that doesn't have
to happen to you,
because you have two
things that I didn't...
A chance to go and
kick Devin's ass,
and more importantly,
you have me
to give you speeches like this.
You know what? This isabout me.
I'm the hero. Yes, of
course. It, uh, makes sense.
Alright, now go in there
and destroy this schmuck
who took your dream job and
is living your dream life.
-You think he has a
vintage Ralph Lauren
mahogany sleigh bed?
-Oh, I do, I really do.
-Let's do this.
-It's a pull.
Doors. Not her thing.
-And so, in conclusion,
I humbly ask this court
to stand up for
truth and justice,
so that our children
may grow up in a world
where no man can
steal an ambulance,
even if it isa triple dare.
The prosecution rests.
-Thank you, counselor.
In the future, I only ask
that you keep your
arguments under two hours.
Guilty.
That's a recess, people.
-Good work, counselor.
Oh, and just know that
Zabar's gets really crowded
on Saturday morning,
so get there early.
-Oh, Judge, you got the place!
-Oh, gosh, I got it?
Oh, I cannot wait to tell Rand
I have a place to
show him this weekend.
-He's not coming down, is he?
-Something came up at
work, so he had to cancel.
You know, it's actually better,
because I am gonna start
planning how to
decorate the apartment.
I'm gonna get the floor plans,
and I'm gonna start
measuring, so...
-You don't have to do that.
You don't have to always try
and find the positive spin.
You're allowed to be mad.
-I think it's better to put
positive energy out there.
-To each his own.
I always try to put
medium energy out there.
Of course, no
energy is the dream.
-Yes, it is hard to be
positive all the time.
Especially lately.
This transition has been a
little harder than I thought.
-Mm. You know what?
Let's try something for
the next few minutes.
Just allow yourself to be angry.
- No, I don't think...
- No, just try it.
- No, it's just not how I...
- Just try it.
-Would you stop
interrupting me?!
I have enough going on already!
Nothing is going how I planned!
My apartment makes
me smell disgusting!
I have to eat chicken breakfast
at 4:00 in the afternoon!
I can't unsubscribe
from any e-mail list,
which has nothing to do with the
move, but it's very frustrating!
- Anything else?
- And Rand isn't here!
I want him to be here to
help me with this stuff!
And, no, I know it's not totally
fair to make him uproot his life
just for me to pursue a dream,
but, ugh, I want it anyway!
-Want to keep going? You got at
least another 30 seconds left,
and you haven't even
mentioned gray chowder.
-He's coming. The landlord.
Remember, you make teeth.
- What?
- He came to get a copy
of his tenant's
death certificate,
and now he's almost here.
-Arnold! You old so-and-so.
Hey, how is your
son's weird mouth?
-I was just in the building
when I ran into your friend,
but she screamed, "I'm
not here" and ran.
So, you're a judge?
-Just got a new job.
Big step up.
Yes, I-I am a judge.
Uh, but I love that apartment,
and I've had a really bad day.
Any chance you can
give a gal a break?
I could still make you a tooth.
How hard could it be?
-Actually, I just learned the
apartment's no longer available.
-You just learned that?
-Yeah. Just now.
I'm gonna go.
-I'd like the room, please.
Oh.
Just...
-See you tomorrow.
-I believe we
unleashed something.
-What you mean, "we"?
Sorry about the
apartment, Judge.
-Mm. Me, too, but
it's totally fine.
-Don't do it.
-Okay, it's not
totally fine. It's bad.
See? I'm getting better.
- And you're gonna tell Rand
you want him to
move down here now?
-Not quite ready for that yet,
but I am feeling good
about finding a new place,
and I may be willing to
play the game a little bit.
-Perfect, because Sandy just
got a big batch of leads in.
Now, I don't want to think
that he's responsible
for these deaths, but
I honestly don't know.
He's an interesting guy.
-I think I'm gonna
try it my way.
I'm gonna bring muffins to
the marriage license office.
Like with me and Rand,
marriages often mean
one person giving up
their old apartment,
and I'd rather capitalize
on people's happiness
than their misfortune.
-Leave it to you
to take all the fun
out of bending a corrupt
system to your will.
-Alright, but you gonna have
to break the news to Sandy.
The water's fine.
-I have the same water as you,
and you know it's not fine.
-Alright, well,
you're missing out,
'cause we're having a
pretty good time over here.
-Ah!
-What? What is it?
-It's nothing, your
odor... Your Honor.
-Hypothetically, if
you had a co-worker
who smelled like soggy
cardboard in the back of a taxi,
would you want me to
tell you that that's you?
-I'm having some issues
with my apartment.
It's above a German beer
hall, so no matter what I do,
I smell like a combination
of sauerkraut, mustard,
and soccer fan B.O.
Yeah, it's not my dream
apartment, but it's New York.
Nobody spends time
inside anyway.
And it will be even less
when my fiancé, Rand,
visits this weekend.
He wants to go see the
ladies of "The View."
Not the show. He
knows where they live
for some reason.
So, it's totally
fine. It's fine.
-It's not fine for people
who are close to you
and still have a nose.
You need a new apartment. You
know, and you happen to be
in the building with
the info to get it.
What you do is that you find
whoever has this place wired,
and you're set.
-Claire, looking good.
Donnie, I loved
your one-man show.
Timo! How's your
mama's psoriasis?
Well, tell her to keep her head
up and her scalp moisturized.
-I see where this is going.
Fine, I'll help you.
-So, Gurgs,
how's your life going?
-Great as always. I
got a quesadilla maker.
With a little bit of cheese,
I can turn anything
into a quesadilla.
This folder? Quesadilla.
This shirt?
Quesadilla.
-I heard you might, uh,
know certain things,
like places where
people, um, dwell.
-What the judge is trying to
ask is can you help her find
a new apartment that
doesn't make her smell
like the inside of a
men's-only omelet cafe?
-Thank you, Dan.
I'd just love to have something
to show Rand this weekend.
We've been doing the
long-distance thing,
but we make it fun.
There's a nice little
diner halfway between us
that specializes in something
called Oneonta Clam Chowder,
which is gray.
-Well, I'm glad you
came to me for help.
I'm a great amateur Realtor.
I found my friend Cheryl
an amazing storefront
where she sells garbage cams.
- Cans.
- Cams.
-Cans.
Cans.
- Cams.
-Okay, I think we got it.
-And finding you a place
will be super easy.
I mean, who wouldn't want
a judge owing them a favor?
-Uh, I'd rather my position
not be a part of it.
I became a judge because I want
to help people,
not for the perks.
-Okay, so you got a moral code.
That's gonna make this harder.
But I got this.
Would you be okay if
people watched you sleep
as part of an art experiment?
-Abby will find a place, and
she'll look back on this fondly,
because having a bad
apartment in New York
is a rite of passage,
like telling your friend
you loved his play.
-I lived under a cannery once.
Did you know fish scream?
-Aah!
-That's male salmon.
-I think I left something
in the cafeteria.
Mm-hmm. Yeah, yeah.
It was my charger
for my, uh,
bippity-bip, ring-ring.
-Whoa. Wait. What's happening?
- Oh. Is that her?
- Is what? Is that who?
I've never met anyone. Let's go.
- No, wait, just...
I never thought I'd say this
to anybody in this building,
but, Neil, please, tell me more.
-A few years ago,
Olivia was up for a job
at one of those big law firms
that represents all
the terrible people.
- Congratulations.
- Thank you.
-So, she bombs the interview,
chases that woman
down, corners her...
-No, I nailed the interview,
and then after, in the lobby,
I bumped into one of
the partners, Lesley,
and I got a little flustered
trying to engage in
polite conversation,
you know, like, "How do
you take your pudding?"
Dear God.
-And... And... And then I
accidentally crammed myself
into the same section
of the revolving door
that she was in,
and it got stuck.
-For six hours, and she talked
about pudding the whole time.
That is
a career ruiner,
but on the bright side, you
have made me very happy.
-Can we stop talking
about this now?
'Cause I hate this story.
-Oh, y'all talking
about door pudding?
I love that story.
-What is she even doing here?
I-I thought I would never
have to see that woman again.
-It looks like she has a
case here tomorrow night.
-What? I'm gonna be in
court tomorrow night.
That means I'm gonna
have to look at her.
And she's gonna be
able to look at me.
-Well, that's how being in the
same room with a person works.
-Y'all gonna come in here
and do your job or what?
-The State is charging
Mr. Simms with assault.
He had an altercation
with his landlord,
who evicted him after his
ninth noise complaint.
-But, Your Honor, you
got to understand,
I'm just trying to write
that one perfect song.
-Let's not.
Assault? Your Honor, this was
a simple misunderstanding.
My client accidentally
pushed his landlord
as he was being evicted
from his home of 12 years.
-Bailiff, do you need a moment?
-I'm fine, Your Honor.
Eviction, huh?
That's interesting.
An empty apartment.
Empty like crazy.
-Bailiff, approach the bench.
-Oh. I never get to do this.
-Did you move an eviction
case to the top of the pile?
-No, Your Honor.
I infiltrated the entire pile.
The day clerk owed me a favor,
so I got him to kick us
all his eviction cases.
-I don't think I love this
version of house hunting.
-Why? You're not doing anything
wrong. You're just sitting here,
listening to details. Enjoy.
-Your Honor, Mr. Simms has lived
in his Gramercy Park apartment
since...
- Hmm.
- 2010.
He was distraught. He
was being thrown out
of a home that he had
spent years renovating.
-Mm.
-Your Honor, none of
this excuses the injuries
that my client and his...
Injuries that, uh...
Sorry. What I was
trying to say was...
he go jail now.
-Okay, the people
have failed to prove
that this was not an accident.
Mr. Simms, you're free to go.
And for the record, there
already is a perfect song.
It's called "You Oughta Know,"
and it's by Alanis Morissette.
Counselors, approach.
What am I missing here?
- Uh, sorry.
It's just, there's a woman here
who, um, rejected me for a job.
So, I-I just need a
second to get it together.
-I don't know about that. I
think you had the "So, um,
he go jail now"
prosecution down perfect.
-Mr. Fielding, it's not polite
to razz the prosecution.
-That wasn't razzing.
That was mocking.
-Okay, let's take five.
-Oh, that's how I know you.
You're door pudding.
-Yes.
Welcome.
-I'm just here scoping out this
place before my trial tomorrow.
You know, I'm surprised
someone with your potential
would end up here.
-You do an amazing
impression of my mother.
-Unless it's actually
a pretty smart play.
Build up trial
experience, get some wins.
I'll be interested to
see what you do tomorrow.
-Oh. Right. Tomorrow.
That's two days after yesterday.
And the day that I'll
be calling in sick.
I'll just say that I ate
whatever Abby smells like.
-Hey, it's whatever "Her
Honor" smells like to you.
Ugh, it's on the gavel now.
-Call in sick?
What are you talking about?
She was courting you.
- She was?
- Yes, yes.
She was hinting that you
still got a shot at this job.
I mean, it was so obvious,
even Neil could pick up on it.
- What did I pick up on?
- Oh. No, he didn't.
But all you have to do is show
her what you've got tomorrow.
-I can't go up against
her in a conversation.
What are the odds I'm
gonna beat her in a trial?
-Alright, look, if you're that
nervous, I can help you prepare.
-Why would you do that?
You want something from me.
-All I want is the
fulfillment I get
from passing along my
guidance and wisdom
to the next generation.
- Uh-huh.
-And a bagel and
lox from Zabar's
every Saturday morning
for the next four months.
Yeah. Okay.
I'll take the help.
- Uh, Olivia?
- Uh-huh.
-You forget the
capers, I'll ruin you.
-I really appreciate everything
you've been doing, Gurgs,
but I just can't
take the apartment
of someone who's
just been evicted.
-Loud and clear.
You don't feel good
about using the court
to get you stuff.
But you do like finding the
good in a bad situation.
That gave me the inspiration
for the death
certificate office.
These people don't need
in-unit washer/dryers.
They're in God's hamper now.
-Still, it's a
little creepy, right?
-Everybody thinks that,
but there's actually nothing
creepy about this place.
Hey, Sandy.
You been working out?
-There are some
nice zip codes here.
But still, it's just not ideal
that my first
apartment with Rand
is somewhere where "two
people exploded each other."
Aww, hope it was for love.
-No, keep reading.
It says it wasn't.
-Okay, you know what?
I actually think that my
current apartment isn't so bad.
Smelling like sausages
does have its upside.
Who doesn't love a bunch of
dogs following them around?
-Well, I'm sorry
I couldn't help,
but why don't you come over
to my place tomorrow morning
before Rand gets here, have
some brunch quesadillas,
and take a shower where
you won't come out
smelling worse than
when you started?
-I-I don't think I should.
We should really keep
this professional.
Actually, please let me.
I've snuck into the
Equinox so many times,
they're now keeping guards
outside the showers.
- Come on in.
- I brought my own towel.
Ah, but now I'm feeling
weird about drying my body
with something I
carried on the subway,
so I still need
to borrow a towel.
Why is there no furniture?
-I am embracing minimalism.
I had to get you
to see this place.
It's perfect, and you can barely
sense that someone died here
of auto-erotic, uh...
natural causes.
-Alright. So, first, we got to
get you in the right headspace.
Visualize yourself in the
courtroom, in control.
You are powerful,
tall, masculine.
You're me.
-I don't think this is helping.
- Do I have to stay for this?
- Yes.
You are an integral
part of the process.
Our remote control.
Now, play the tape of
Lesley in day court.
Now, watch the way she moves.
There's... There's
a cocky strut there.
-Yeah, and look at
that day clerk, Clint,
peacocking around
in his bolo tie.
-Now, if you mimic
her movements,
you will confuse
and frighten her.
Now, watch the way she
walks there. You see that?
There's a bit of a-a
lean to it there. Right?
Uh-huh. Yeah, like
that, like that.
Now, remember, this
is your home court.
You're in control. You
know, take up space.
Don't give her any space.
More... Well, maybe
not that much space.
-Okay, I can't do
this! I can't do it!
I-I can't walk like her.
I can't talk like her.
I am never gonna beat her.
I just... I give up.
- You can't give up.
You've got to make up
for the oyster thing.
I-I mean for the door thing.
-Oh, that'swhat this is about.
Some oyster thing.
This isn't about me.
This is about you.
-Yes, of course it's about me.
Everything's about me.
I was up for a job
at an ampersand firm,
and I was so close to getting it
that the partners even took me
out for a celebratory lunch.
I decided I would impress them
with my expert
oyster-shucking skills.
Unfortunately, earlier, I
had already impressed them
with my whiskey drinking skills.
And the oyster knife slipped,
and I stabbed the
oldest partner.
Small tip... don't pull
the knife back out.
Also, don't put it back in.
Even when everybody's screaming,
"Why did you pull it out?!"
That one little mistake cost
me a job and my future career,
but you, you have a chance
to rewrite your origin story.
You show Lesley up, and
it'll be a win for you,
but more importantly,
it would be a win
for night court
lawyers everywhere.
Even more importantly than
that, it'll be a win for me.
-Gurgs, we talked about this.
-I'm sorry I tricked you, but
this place is such a find.
2 bed, 1-1/2 bath, fireplace.
Smell that.
That's nothing. Your
apartment don't have to
smell like anything.
-I wish that was true. I just...
I don't want to use the
fact that I'm a judge
to help me get into a...
- No.
You are always trying to find
the bright side of things.
Can't you find the bright side
of getting first dibs
on a place like this?
-It is nice. I guess I
could just look around.
-Yeah, you could.
-I mean, that
wouldn't be unethical.
-It would be ethical as hell.
Just one caveat, barely
worth mentioning.
New York City landlords
don't like renting
to judges or lawyers, so
if he asks, you make teeth.
Arnold!
This is my friend Abby
I was telling you about.
-I-I make teeth.
- Is that interesting work, or...
- Oh, is it ever. Yeah.
I-I love looking
in people's mouths.
It's... It's like a hot,
weird cave in there.
-Well, actually,
I was wondering,
my son, he just grew
in an extra tooth.
Is that normal?
- Oh, yeah, yeah. So normal.
The, um... The average
human...
has anywhere between
19 and 50 teeth.
-Well, I'll... I'll just,
uh... I'll follow up
on your references,
and I'll be in touch.
-Fingers crossed.
Or, as we say in the
tooth business...
-It's in the tooth
fairy's hands now.
May that wily bitch
bless us this day.
- Rewrite my story.
- Rewrite your story.
-Rewrite it, girl.
Notice anything different
"bolo" my neck?
-Wait, where's Lesley?
-She had to go handle
a higher profile case.
Bludgeoning.
So you guys get the Devinator.
Sorry, I should have
started with, "I'm Devin."
-Of course I'm not going to
get to go up against Lesley,
because my life has been
cursed since the day I met her.
And much like that
revolving door,
I am now stuck in a sweaty
chamber of my own failure.
-You know, I said this is
about me, but it isn't.
It's about you.
Alright, look, this
type of disappointment
is still fresh to you.
After I shucked my
way out of that job,
I beat myself up for years,
but that doesn't have
to happen to you,
because you have two
things that I didn't...
A chance to go and
kick Devin's ass,
and more importantly,
you have me
to give you speeches like this.
You know what? This isabout me.
I'm the hero. Yes, of
course. It, uh, makes sense.
Alright, now go in there
and destroy this schmuck
who took your dream job and
is living your dream life.
-You think he has a
vintage Ralph Lauren
mahogany sleigh bed?
-Oh, I do, I really do.
-Let's do this.
-It's a pull.
Doors. Not her thing.
-And so, in conclusion,
I humbly ask this court
to stand up for
truth and justice,
so that our children
may grow up in a world
where no man can
steal an ambulance,
even if it isa triple dare.
The prosecution rests.
-Thank you, counselor.
In the future, I only ask
that you keep your
arguments under two hours.
Guilty.
That's a recess, people.
-Good work, counselor.
Oh, and just know that
Zabar's gets really crowded
on Saturday morning,
so get there early.
-Oh, Judge, you got the place!
-Oh, gosh, I got it?
Oh, I cannot wait to tell Rand
I have a place to
show him this weekend.
-He's not coming down, is he?
-Something came up at
work, so he had to cancel.
You know, it's actually better,
because I am gonna start
planning how to
decorate the apartment.
I'm gonna get the floor plans,
and I'm gonna start
measuring, so...
-You don't have to do that.
You don't have to always try
and find the positive spin.
You're allowed to be mad.
-I think it's better to put
positive energy out there.
-To each his own.
I always try to put
medium energy out there.
Of course, no
energy is the dream.
-Yes, it is hard to be
positive all the time.
Especially lately.
This transition has been a
little harder than I thought.
-Mm. You know what?
Let's try something for
the next few minutes.
Just allow yourself to be angry.
- No, I don't think...
- No, just try it.
- No, it's just not how I...
- Just try it.
-Would you stop
interrupting me?!
I have enough going on already!
Nothing is going how I planned!
My apartment makes
me smell disgusting!
I have to eat chicken breakfast
at 4:00 in the afternoon!
I can't unsubscribe
from any e-mail list,
which has nothing to do with the
move, but it's very frustrating!
- Anything else?
- And Rand isn't here!
I want him to be here to
help me with this stuff!
And, no, I know it's not totally
fair to make him uproot his life
just for me to pursue a dream,
but, ugh, I want it anyway!
-Want to keep going? You got at
least another 30 seconds left,
and you haven't even
mentioned gray chowder.
-He's coming. The landlord.
Remember, you make teeth.
- What?
- He came to get a copy
of his tenant's
death certificate,
and now he's almost here.
-Arnold! You old so-and-so.
Hey, how is your
son's weird mouth?
-I was just in the building
when I ran into your friend,
but she screamed, "I'm
not here" and ran.
So, you're a judge?
-Just got a new job.
Big step up.
Yes, I-I am a judge.
Uh, but I love that apartment,
and I've had a really bad day.
Any chance you can
give a gal a break?
I could still make you a tooth.
How hard could it be?
-Actually, I just learned the
apartment's no longer available.
-You just learned that?
-Yeah. Just now.
I'm gonna go.
-I'd like the room, please.
Oh.
Just...
-See you tomorrow.
-I believe we
unleashed something.
-What you mean, "we"?
Sorry about the
apartment, Judge.
-Mm. Me, too, but
it's totally fine.
-Don't do it.
-Okay, it's not
totally fine. It's bad.
See? I'm getting better.
- And you're gonna tell Rand
you want him to
move down here now?
-Not quite ready for that yet,
but I am feeling good
about finding a new place,
and I may be willing to
play the game a little bit.
-Perfect, because Sandy just
got a big batch of leads in.
Now, I don't want to think
that he's responsible
for these deaths, but
I honestly don't know.
He's an interesting guy.
-I think I'm gonna
try it my way.
I'm gonna bring muffins to
the marriage license office.
Like with me and Rand,
marriages often mean
one person giving up
their old apartment,
and I'd rather capitalize
on people's happiness
than their misfortune.
-Leave it to you
to take all the fun
out of bending a corrupt
system to your will.
-Alright, but you gonna have
to break the news to Sandy.