NewsRadio (1995–1999): Season 2, Episode 12 - Bitch Session - full transcript
Dave accidentally overhears the staff mocking him.
Yeah, so anyway, you know,
if I move the phone at all
or jostle it in any way,
the line cuts out.
So I'm pretty sure
the jack is broken.
Well, if it's broken,
I can fix it.
Well, take my word for it.
The jack is definitely broken.
Then I can fix it.
Okay, what's wrong with it?
It's broken.
And you can fix it?
Yeah. I got some spare parts
lying around.
I can probably rig up something
for you by noon.
No, no, no. No rigging. No.
Aw, come on.
No. No. Just splurge.
Go down to the hardware store
and spend 25 cents
for a new jack.
Uh-uh, I have never
and will never use
any of that machine-made,
mass-produced garbage.
I don't play that game.
Well, that's very...
Neo-Luddite of you.
That's very neo...
Unnecessary-big-word of you.
Hey, don't
knock it, dude.
Remember when I fixed the
hard drive on your computer?
Just these two hands,
a soldering iron,
some parts from an old clock.
Yeah. That was very impressive.
Hey, is that why my old clock
doesn't work anymore?
Yes.
Excuse me, Dave.
I was just wondering--
I'm sorry. This is a bad time.
What do you want?
It doesn't seem important now,
whatever it was,
so frankly, my mind
is drawing a blank.
I assume this means you and Lisa
aren't dating anymore?
Okay, Bill, we get
the joke. Very funny.
Thank you.
I need Joe to give me a hand
with something.
I'm busy.
There's 20 bucks in it
for you.
You know, Dave,
at this point
I'm just pushing wires
around down here, so...
Joe...
Joe!
I was hoping
you could tell me
where to get
one of these.
Uh, a newsstand?
Not the magazine. This.
An electronic
voice modulator.
What do you want
one of those for?
I think your fake radio voice
sounds great.
Thank you. But I want it to be
a little more...
Bass?
And a tad more...
Like Rush Limbaugh?
No. I mean just
a little more...
Like Robin Quivers?
No. More resonance.
Look, pick up one of these
for me
and I'll give you 20 bucks
to install it.
You don't want to buy
one of those.
Come on. I could rig it up
for you on the mixing board.
Joe, no rigging.
Come on. We've been
through this before.
Turn up the pitch
a little,
give you a little reverb...
Sit, sit, sit.
All right, fine.
But don't take apart
my clock again.
Ahem.
I'm Bill McNeal.
I'm Bill McNeal.
What's your name?
I'm Bill McNeal.
Heh. Okay, ready?
HIGH PITCHED:
I'm Bill McNeal.
I'm Bill McNeal.
You know what?
I think I can look up a store
in the yellow pages myself.
No, no, no, no.
That's not what I'm about.
Come on, just give me a second
to tune it up here.
All right. Hold on.
Wait a second.
Patch me into the intercom
and turn the volume way up.
Hang on...
Hang on...
Okay.
Now.
HIGH PITCHED:
Matthew!
Ho, ho, ho.
Close. Close, Bill. Good...
But no cigar.
You're going to have to wake up
pretty early--
Hey, do you have
the time? Yes.
[♪]
Okay, and finally,
I'm afraid the station is
no longer going to reimburse you
for cab rides home.
What?
What?
Wait a minute. What if
we work past 8:00 p.m.?
I'm sorry. Not anymore.
Well, that's not fair.
That's just punishing people
who stay at work late.
Well, it's one thing if you're
here till midnight working.
It's another
if you wait till 8:01
so you can get the free cab,
pick up six of your friends,
each from a different borough
and can go club-hopping
all night.
Beth.
What are you
talking about, Dave?
Um, actually,
that was me.
A friend of mine
had a bachelor party,
and we didn't know
where to go,
so I asked
the cab driver
to drop us off
"where the action is."
Where'd you end up,
big guy?
Airport.
Regardless, though,
any inappropriate expenditures
will be deducted
from your salary in the future.
That is going
too far.
No, taking a cab
to New Jersey and back
is going too far.
That was radio-related business.
There are plenty of places
in Manhattan
to buy a radio.
Dave, it was
a 43% off sale.
Apparently, the guy
who owned the place
went crazy
and was slashing
prices.
Well, I may go crazy
and slash paychecks
if I see another receipt
like that.
Okay, meeting adjourned.
Thank you.
Here you go, dude.
Check it out.
The Voice-Mo-Tron 10,000.
I'm assuming you crafted this
with your own hands.
What makes you say that?
The liberal use of
paper clips and duct tape
was sort of a tip-off.
Duct tape.
That stuff's a rip-off.
I make my own tape.
Come on,
we'll go in the booth.
I'll hook it up
for you.
We'll be back
with traffic and weather
at the top of the hour.
Let me get hooked up here.
Okay, give it a shot.
VERY LOW VOICE:
Hello. I'm Bill McNeal.
I don't think
this is right.
It's good.
Your voice sounds deeper.
Shut it off.
Hang on. Wait a second.
Barry White coming at you
with the power of love, baby.
MALE VOICE:
Why do you want to change-- Joe!
Sorry.
Thank you.
Whoa.
Don't worry, folks.
Stay calm.
Happens in my apartment
every day.
Ad sales, please.
Hi. Jerry?
Hi. Dave Nelson. Yeah.
I was going over our records,
And-- Jerry?
Jerry?
Beth?
Okay, you win, Dave.
Now I'll go hide,
and you can try to find me.
Shouldn't you be getting
to your dentist appointment?
Right. Yeah.
When is that?
That is today at...
Ten minutes ago, Dave.
Well, thanks for the reminder.
Okay.
Okay, and would you get Joe
to fix my phone, please?
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
Sounds like
he fixed it.
Hello? Oh, hi, Jerry.
Yeah, we got cut off.
Yeah, yeah, because I was going
over our records and--
Jerry?
MATTHEW: David?
BETH: He's at the dentist.
Dentist?
I wonder who's going to be
paying for that cab trip.
No free cab rides.
What a ripoff.
I'll tell you what, though.
From now on,
I'm going to take the bus,
and I will be charging
the station.
You can count on that.
That'll show him.
What about
the mug today?
Was he out of control
with that thing, or what?
"Okay, people, meeting.
"First, let me have
a quick sip--
"No, I think
I'll put it down here--
"No. No more cab rides,
Matthew.
"No, I can't actually
put my mug down
or I'll lose
all my magic powers."
Hey, what was
the final score today
on his coffee mug
gymnastics?
Oh, actually,
I counted seven trade-offs
from right hand to left
and at least nine
"almost puts the mug down
but then picks it up before it
touches the tables."
Well, from the booth,
I counted 17 fully executed
coffee cup maneuvers.
Aha. I thought I smelled
Dave's burning flesh.
This is a new twist, though:
bitch session in the office
of the bitchee himself.
Well, it's more exciting
because it's taboo.
Taboo...
Hey, Lisa,
tell us the truth.
Dave buys his suits
in the little boys' department,
doesn't he?
He did look like a
14-year-old, didn't he?
Oh, hey, Dave,
I thought you were still
at the dentist.
Ladies and gentlemen,
you have just been burned.
Oh, Beth!
That is so
negative.
Anyway, I think Dave looks cute
in that suit.
Oh, yeah. Almost just like
a real grown-up.
No. He really does.
He looks like
he just stepped out
of a Norman Rockwell painting.
"First day at Bible college."
I think he looks more like,
uh...
A very handsome young executive.
And you guys have gone
way, way over the line here.
What?
What?
Okay, the coffee mug thing,
okay, I know that's just a joke,
but making fun of a man's suit,
well, that's just wrong!
Oh, okay, see, um...
in the black community,
it's considered--
To make fun of
somebody's clothing is--
CATHERINE: Oh, Matthew,
shut up.
I'm ready.
Okay, okay.
Okay, okay.
Presenting...
Dave, The Insane Maniac,
a play in one act,
by Beth and Bill.
Hello, Dave.
HIGH VOICE:
Hello, employee.
You look miserable
and depressed.
Oh, I am. I can no longer
take cab rides home
from the office.
Excellent.
That's good news to me.
You see, I'm from
Wis-cahn-sin...
where taxicabs are feared,
and hunted
for the delicious meat
under their hoods.
Comedy?
Or tragedy?
You be the judge.
You be the judge.
The end.
Bravo, bravo.
And brava.
Thank you
very much.
Actually, we had this one part
where Bill
plays with the mug--
Yeah, but I like
to stay away
from the broad,
physical stuff.
No offense, Matthew.
How do you guys manage
to come up with a new play
every day?
I consider it a gift.
Hello, Mom?
Ouch, chihuahua,
that's got to hurt.
They know you overheard them?
No, no, you're the first
person I've spoken to.
Well, except my mom.
What did she say?
"Come home, pumpkin."
That's sweet. Sweet.
So your mom's still married
to that guy--
My dad?
Yeah.
Uh-huh.
Well, you'll let me know if--
Oh, sure. Yeah.
All right.
You know, I just can't help
but feel--
Unloved?
No, it's... Well, yeah.
Aw, pumpkin...
You know that I love you,
don't you?
Oh, that's not necessary, sir.
But I do, I do.
I really love you.
WAITER: I'll come back
a little later
to get the gentlemen's
dessert orders.
That-- That was a little bit
embarrassing.
No, no, no.
There's nothing wrong
with two drunk men
loving each other.
I don't-- I don't care
who knows it.
Hey!
Hey!
I love this guy
right here!
I love him!
Hey, Ted.
Ted Turner.
Great, uh, great guy.
My regards to, uh--
Jane.
Yeah, Jane.
You tell me
exactly what they said
made you feel so bad.
Well, they said I looked
like a 14-year-old
in a business suit.
Well...
Okay, all right.
They also said
that I make ridiculous gestures
with my coffee mug.
Oh, that's really something
that pierces a man's soul, huh?
Well, it's not the specifics
of what they said.
It's the fact
they said it behind my back.
Dave, Dave,
you're the boss.
You supposed to be
thick-skinned.
I'm plenty thick-skinned.
Oh, yeah. I've seen thicker skin
on a bowl of pudding.
Here, check this out.
Sir, you really don't have
to do that to impress me.
You want to know the secret?
Wild guess. Thick skin?
Metaphysically, yes.
Technically speaking,
you do it 15, 16 times,
it kills all the nerve endings
in your hand.
I see.
But you know--
But sometimes I just feel like--
Sir, it's starting
to smell funny.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Thanks.
Dave...
You're just not going
to be comfortable
until you confront them,
so maybe, uh...
maybe you're just
not thick-skinned enough.
I'm plenty
thick-skinned.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
You know...
You're drunk,
that's what you are.
No, I'm not. I'm fine.
You've had more to drink
than I have.
Well, yeah,
but I don't have the body
of a 14-year-old.
I-- I couldn't resist that.
It doesn't bother me at all.
See? It just rolls off my back.
Attaboy.
Hey! Mike!
Mike!
Mike Eisner!
That's Mike Eisner.
He's a great guy, great guy.
He's got skin
like a rhino.
I think that's Mike Ovitz.
Doesn't matter.
They're all the same.
Mike!
Yeah, Mike!
Yeah! No, you
come over here!
Yeah. No, you come
over here!
I got a young man right here
that I happen to love!
Okay, here we go.
Now, I want you to go in there
and control the situation.
Take the bull by the horns. You
know I'll be right behind you.
I will.
How's your hand?
Oh, it's great.
No sensation at all.
Hey, everyone?
Hello.
Hey, hey, hey, listen.
Does anyone here
have any problems
with the way I run the station?
Yeah!
You do?
No. I was being
supportive.
Just go ahead.
Do it again.
Does anyone have any problems
with the way I run this station?
Amen!
You know, sir, I think this
might ago a little quicker
without your support.
Okay, I got you,
pumpkin.
Well?
Oh, no, Dave.
No.
No.
Are you sure?
Because you know what?
I was a little concerned
that maybe I was coming off
as... I don't know...
An insane Norman Rockwell
Bible school boy maniac.
Did you tell Dave?
No, no...
I don't need anybody to tell me
anything, all right,
because...
I happened to be hiding
under the desk the whole time.
You were eavesdropping on us,
Dave?
I don't
believe this.
Look, look, look,
people, people,
it doesn't matter whether, um...
Hang on. Dave, you were hiding
under the desk the whole time?
You didn't
tell me that.
It was kind of
unintentional.
Oh, I see. Okay.
Look, people, people,
it doesn't matter whether, uh...
You know what, Dave?
I think this is really pathetic.
I have to distance myself
from you.
I'll see you later.
Are you okay?
Yeah. Fine.
I'm just resting up for that
big sale at... Baby Gap.
Come on...
We didn't mean anything.
Mm-hmm.
No. We were just kidding around.
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
We just...
Dave, now that's
what employees do.
Mm-hmm. Is that
what girlfriends do?
Well... I said
you looked cute.
You know, I just keep trying
to figure it out in my head.
I mean, "Does she
really love me,
"or is it just the thrill
of possibly being picked up
on charges of
corrupting a minor?"
Oh, Dave. Come on.
You know how sexy
I think you are.
Wait a sec.
Wait a sec, wait a sec.
Okay, okay, now say it.
Okay, now you're
being a jerk.
Oh, deja vu.
I turn my back and you
start to badmouth me.
All right, I can't be around you
when you're like this.
What, I don't remind you
of a Norman Rockwell painting
anymore?
No, I don't think he painted one
called "Pissy Wisconsin Jerk."
You ready?
Joe, please,
can't we just give up?
Did Thomas Edison give up?
Thomas Edison wasn't trying
to invent something
that was readily available
at a variety of stores
near his home.
Yeah, well, I'm not giving up.
Come on, man.
RICH VOICE:
I'm Bill McNeal.
WNYX news time: 4:00.
It works!
The eagle
has landed.
Joe, it sounds
exquisite.
I'll say. Thanks, buddy.
Sorry,
corporate America.
It seems the common man
triumphs once again.
The Unabomber
would be very proud.
Well, I can't believe
he did it.
He didn't.
What are you talking about?
RICH VOICE: I'm Bill McNeal.
I'm Bill McNeal.
How are you doing that?
I think I somehow use
the inside of my skull
as a sounding chamber.
I don't pretend to understand
the physics of it.
Bill, honey, why didn't you just
do this from the start
instead of making Joe
build you a machine?
Because when I do it this way,
I suffer from intense headaches
and blackouts.
Yeah, come on in, Joe.
Thanks for coming,
everybody.
Hey, where's Lisa?
Oh, actually, she and Dave
had a little fight moment
and she left early.
Yeah, which is why
I asked you all here.
Now, folks, what we have here
is an office divided.
You know, it's like some kind
of civil war,
and we all know what happens
in a civil war, right, Beth?
Yeah. Brother fights
against brother?
No. Some nutjob actor
pops the president in the head
while he's trying
to watch the show.
He was hiding
under his desk.
Look, Jimmy,
we were wrong, okay,
but Dave shouldn't have been
eavesdropping on us.
From under his desk!
It's totally bogus.
He pulled a desk job
on us, Jim!
All right, fine. Fine.
Okay, I'll start looking for
a new news director tomorrow.
What?
You heard me.
I'm replacing Dave.
You people have spoken,
I have listened.
Thanks for the time.
If you fire Dave,
I quit.
Who's with me?
Look, people fight all the time.
It doesn't mean anything.
One Christmas,
my brother hit me over the head
with a frying pan
to see if it'd change shape,
they way they do
in the cartoons?
It doesn't mean
he didn't love me.
I said, who's with me?
I'm sorry, folks.
Dave's out.
Jimmy, Dave is quite simply
the best news director
I've ever worked with.
But?
What? No, I really mean it.
Well...
Bill McNeal shows a little
compassion and sincerity.
Remarkable.
Those dimensions are there.
They're just unexplored.
Okay, so what
you're saying is,
you want Dave to stay?
Oh, yes.
Absolutely.
All right, you're
with me. I'm up.
All right,
but you'll stop bitching
about the way he does his job?
Ah...
That's...
All right, you'll be
more careful
about where you hold
your bitch sessions?
That's for sure.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay, I'll see you folks later.
Okay, well...
Thank you.
So did it
change shape?
The frying pan stayed the same.
What about your head?
I don't remember.
Thanks again,
folks. Yeah.
Thanks, Bill. Always
nice to see you.
You get all that,
pumpkin?
Wow.
See? They don't hate you.
I mean, quite the contrary.
Wow.
Okay, all right, Dave.
You know what you need?
Good night's sleep.
Definitely, but first...
A little hair
of the dog that bit you.
Come on.
No.
Just one?
Okay.
All right.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
What about Lisa? What are you
going to do about Lisa?
You know, I don't know what's
going to happen with that.
I mean, I'm okay with the rest,
but you know, what Lisa did
really hurts.
Well, yeah, but I mean,
you two can patch it up, huh?
I don't know.
I don't know this time.
All right. You know what?
I got to get my wallet.
I'll be right out there.
I'll be right with you.
Sorry about that.
Sometimes it works,
sometimes it don't.
Yeah.
That's all right.
He'll get over it.
I have my ways.
Yeah.
You know what?
Call him "pumpkin."
He likes that.
That's what
his mother calls him.
Yeah, but his mom's
really hot.
[♪]
if I move the phone at all
or jostle it in any way,
the line cuts out.
So I'm pretty sure
the jack is broken.
Well, if it's broken,
I can fix it.
Well, take my word for it.
The jack is definitely broken.
Then I can fix it.
Okay, what's wrong with it?
It's broken.
And you can fix it?
Yeah. I got some spare parts
lying around.
I can probably rig up something
for you by noon.
No, no, no. No rigging. No.
Aw, come on.
No. No. Just splurge.
Go down to the hardware store
and spend 25 cents
for a new jack.
Uh-uh, I have never
and will never use
any of that machine-made,
mass-produced garbage.
I don't play that game.
Well, that's very...
Neo-Luddite of you.
That's very neo...
Unnecessary-big-word of you.
Hey, don't
knock it, dude.
Remember when I fixed the
hard drive on your computer?
Just these two hands,
a soldering iron,
some parts from an old clock.
Yeah. That was very impressive.
Hey, is that why my old clock
doesn't work anymore?
Yes.
Excuse me, Dave.
I was just wondering--
I'm sorry. This is a bad time.
What do you want?
It doesn't seem important now,
whatever it was,
so frankly, my mind
is drawing a blank.
I assume this means you and Lisa
aren't dating anymore?
Okay, Bill, we get
the joke. Very funny.
Thank you.
I need Joe to give me a hand
with something.
I'm busy.
There's 20 bucks in it
for you.
You know, Dave,
at this point
I'm just pushing wires
around down here, so...
Joe...
Joe!
I was hoping
you could tell me
where to get
one of these.
Uh, a newsstand?
Not the magazine. This.
An electronic
voice modulator.
What do you want
one of those for?
I think your fake radio voice
sounds great.
Thank you. But I want it to be
a little more...
Bass?
And a tad more...
Like Rush Limbaugh?
No. I mean just
a little more...
Like Robin Quivers?
No. More resonance.
Look, pick up one of these
for me
and I'll give you 20 bucks
to install it.
You don't want to buy
one of those.
Come on. I could rig it up
for you on the mixing board.
Joe, no rigging.
Come on. We've been
through this before.
Turn up the pitch
a little,
give you a little reverb...
Sit, sit, sit.
All right, fine.
But don't take apart
my clock again.
Ahem.
I'm Bill McNeal.
I'm Bill McNeal.
What's your name?
I'm Bill McNeal.
Heh. Okay, ready?
HIGH PITCHED:
I'm Bill McNeal.
I'm Bill McNeal.
You know what?
I think I can look up a store
in the yellow pages myself.
No, no, no, no.
That's not what I'm about.
Come on, just give me a second
to tune it up here.
All right. Hold on.
Wait a second.
Patch me into the intercom
and turn the volume way up.
Hang on...
Hang on...
Okay.
Now.
HIGH PITCHED:
Matthew!
Ho, ho, ho.
Close. Close, Bill. Good...
But no cigar.
You're going to have to wake up
pretty early--
Hey, do you have
the time? Yes.
[♪]
Okay, and finally,
I'm afraid the station is
no longer going to reimburse you
for cab rides home.
What?
What?
Wait a minute. What if
we work past 8:00 p.m.?
I'm sorry. Not anymore.
Well, that's not fair.
That's just punishing people
who stay at work late.
Well, it's one thing if you're
here till midnight working.
It's another
if you wait till 8:01
so you can get the free cab,
pick up six of your friends,
each from a different borough
and can go club-hopping
all night.
Beth.
What are you
talking about, Dave?
Um, actually,
that was me.
A friend of mine
had a bachelor party,
and we didn't know
where to go,
so I asked
the cab driver
to drop us off
"where the action is."
Where'd you end up,
big guy?
Airport.
Regardless, though,
any inappropriate expenditures
will be deducted
from your salary in the future.
That is going
too far.
No, taking a cab
to New Jersey and back
is going too far.
That was radio-related business.
There are plenty of places
in Manhattan
to buy a radio.
Dave, it was
a 43% off sale.
Apparently, the guy
who owned the place
went crazy
and was slashing
prices.
Well, I may go crazy
and slash paychecks
if I see another receipt
like that.
Okay, meeting adjourned.
Thank you.
Here you go, dude.
Check it out.
The Voice-Mo-Tron 10,000.
I'm assuming you crafted this
with your own hands.
What makes you say that?
The liberal use of
paper clips and duct tape
was sort of a tip-off.
Duct tape.
That stuff's a rip-off.
I make my own tape.
Come on,
we'll go in the booth.
I'll hook it up
for you.
We'll be back
with traffic and weather
at the top of the hour.
Let me get hooked up here.
Okay, give it a shot.
VERY LOW VOICE:
Hello. I'm Bill McNeal.
I don't think
this is right.
It's good.
Your voice sounds deeper.
Shut it off.
Hang on. Wait a second.
Barry White coming at you
with the power of love, baby.
MALE VOICE:
Why do you want to change-- Joe!
Sorry.
Thank you.
Whoa.
Don't worry, folks.
Stay calm.
Happens in my apartment
every day.
Ad sales, please.
Hi. Jerry?
Hi. Dave Nelson. Yeah.
I was going over our records,
And-- Jerry?
Jerry?
Beth?
Okay, you win, Dave.
Now I'll go hide,
and you can try to find me.
Shouldn't you be getting
to your dentist appointment?
Right. Yeah.
When is that?
That is today at...
Ten minutes ago, Dave.
Well, thanks for the reminder.
Okay.
Okay, and would you get Joe
to fix my phone, please?
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
Sounds like
he fixed it.
Hello? Oh, hi, Jerry.
Yeah, we got cut off.
Yeah, yeah, because I was going
over our records and--
Jerry?
MATTHEW: David?
BETH: He's at the dentist.
Dentist?
I wonder who's going to be
paying for that cab trip.
No free cab rides.
What a ripoff.
I'll tell you what, though.
From now on,
I'm going to take the bus,
and I will be charging
the station.
You can count on that.
That'll show him.
What about
the mug today?
Was he out of control
with that thing, or what?
"Okay, people, meeting.
"First, let me have
a quick sip--
"No, I think
I'll put it down here--
"No. No more cab rides,
Matthew.
"No, I can't actually
put my mug down
or I'll lose
all my magic powers."
Hey, what was
the final score today
on his coffee mug
gymnastics?
Oh, actually,
I counted seven trade-offs
from right hand to left
and at least nine
"almost puts the mug down
but then picks it up before it
touches the tables."
Well, from the booth,
I counted 17 fully executed
coffee cup maneuvers.
Aha. I thought I smelled
Dave's burning flesh.
This is a new twist, though:
bitch session in the office
of the bitchee himself.
Well, it's more exciting
because it's taboo.
Taboo...
Hey, Lisa,
tell us the truth.
Dave buys his suits
in the little boys' department,
doesn't he?
He did look like a
14-year-old, didn't he?
Oh, hey, Dave,
I thought you were still
at the dentist.
Ladies and gentlemen,
you have just been burned.
Oh, Beth!
That is so
negative.
Anyway, I think Dave looks cute
in that suit.
Oh, yeah. Almost just like
a real grown-up.
No. He really does.
He looks like
he just stepped out
of a Norman Rockwell painting.
"First day at Bible college."
I think he looks more like,
uh...
A very handsome young executive.
And you guys have gone
way, way over the line here.
What?
What?
Okay, the coffee mug thing,
okay, I know that's just a joke,
but making fun of a man's suit,
well, that's just wrong!
Oh, okay, see, um...
in the black community,
it's considered--
To make fun of
somebody's clothing is--
CATHERINE: Oh, Matthew,
shut up.
I'm ready.
Okay, okay.
Okay, okay.
Presenting...
Dave, The Insane Maniac,
a play in one act,
by Beth and Bill.
Hello, Dave.
HIGH VOICE:
Hello, employee.
You look miserable
and depressed.
Oh, I am. I can no longer
take cab rides home
from the office.
Excellent.
That's good news to me.
You see, I'm from
Wis-cahn-sin...
where taxicabs are feared,
and hunted
for the delicious meat
under their hoods.
Comedy?
Or tragedy?
You be the judge.
You be the judge.
The end.
Bravo, bravo.
And brava.
Thank you
very much.
Actually, we had this one part
where Bill
plays with the mug--
Yeah, but I like
to stay away
from the broad,
physical stuff.
No offense, Matthew.
How do you guys manage
to come up with a new play
every day?
I consider it a gift.
Hello, Mom?
Ouch, chihuahua,
that's got to hurt.
They know you overheard them?
No, no, you're the first
person I've spoken to.
Well, except my mom.
What did she say?
"Come home, pumpkin."
That's sweet. Sweet.
So your mom's still married
to that guy--
My dad?
Yeah.
Uh-huh.
Well, you'll let me know if--
Oh, sure. Yeah.
All right.
You know, I just can't help
but feel--
Unloved?
No, it's... Well, yeah.
Aw, pumpkin...
You know that I love you,
don't you?
Oh, that's not necessary, sir.
But I do, I do.
I really love you.
WAITER: I'll come back
a little later
to get the gentlemen's
dessert orders.
That-- That was a little bit
embarrassing.
No, no, no.
There's nothing wrong
with two drunk men
loving each other.
I don't-- I don't care
who knows it.
Hey!
Hey!
I love this guy
right here!
I love him!
Hey, Ted.
Ted Turner.
Great, uh, great guy.
My regards to, uh--
Jane.
Yeah, Jane.
You tell me
exactly what they said
made you feel so bad.
Well, they said I looked
like a 14-year-old
in a business suit.
Well...
Okay, all right.
They also said
that I make ridiculous gestures
with my coffee mug.
Oh, that's really something
that pierces a man's soul, huh?
Well, it's not the specifics
of what they said.
It's the fact
they said it behind my back.
Dave, Dave,
you're the boss.
You supposed to be
thick-skinned.
I'm plenty thick-skinned.
Oh, yeah. I've seen thicker skin
on a bowl of pudding.
Here, check this out.
Sir, you really don't have
to do that to impress me.
You want to know the secret?
Wild guess. Thick skin?
Metaphysically, yes.
Technically speaking,
you do it 15, 16 times,
it kills all the nerve endings
in your hand.
I see.
But you know--
But sometimes I just feel like--
Sir, it's starting
to smell funny.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Thanks.
Dave...
You're just not going
to be comfortable
until you confront them,
so maybe, uh...
maybe you're just
not thick-skinned enough.
I'm plenty
thick-skinned.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
You know...
You're drunk,
that's what you are.
No, I'm not. I'm fine.
You've had more to drink
than I have.
Well, yeah,
but I don't have the body
of a 14-year-old.
I-- I couldn't resist that.
It doesn't bother me at all.
See? It just rolls off my back.
Attaboy.
Hey! Mike!
Mike!
Mike Eisner!
That's Mike Eisner.
He's a great guy, great guy.
He's got skin
like a rhino.
I think that's Mike Ovitz.
Doesn't matter.
They're all the same.
Mike!
Yeah, Mike!
Yeah! No, you
come over here!
Yeah. No, you come
over here!
I got a young man right here
that I happen to love!
Okay, here we go.
Now, I want you to go in there
and control the situation.
Take the bull by the horns. You
know I'll be right behind you.
I will.
How's your hand?
Oh, it's great.
No sensation at all.
Hey, everyone?
Hello.
Hey, hey, hey, listen.
Does anyone here
have any problems
with the way I run the station?
Yeah!
You do?
No. I was being
supportive.
Just go ahead.
Do it again.
Does anyone have any problems
with the way I run this station?
Amen!
You know, sir, I think this
might ago a little quicker
without your support.
Okay, I got you,
pumpkin.
Well?
Oh, no, Dave.
No.
No.
Are you sure?
Because you know what?
I was a little concerned
that maybe I was coming off
as... I don't know...
An insane Norman Rockwell
Bible school boy maniac.
Did you tell Dave?
No, no...
I don't need anybody to tell me
anything, all right,
because...
I happened to be hiding
under the desk the whole time.
You were eavesdropping on us,
Dave?
I don't
believe this.
Look, look, look,
people, people,
it doesn't matter whether, um...
Hang on. Dave, you were hiding
under the desk the whole time?
You didn't
tell me that.
It was kind of
unintentional.
Oh, I see. Okay.
Look, people, people,
it doesn't matter whether, uh...
You know what, Dave?
I think this is really pathetic.
I have to distance myself
from you.
I'll see you later.
Are you okay?
Yeah. Fine.
I'm just resting up for that
big sale at... Baby Gap.
Come on...
We didn't mean anything.
Mm-hmm.
No. We were just kidding around.
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
We just...
Dave, now that's
what employees do.
Mm-hmm. Is that
what girlfriends do?
Well... I said
you looked cute.
You know, I just keep trying
to figure it out in my head.
I mean, "Does she
really love me,
"or is it just the thrill
of possibly being picked up
on charges of
corrupting a minor?"
Oh, Dave. Come on.
You know how sexy
I think you are.
Wait a sec.
Wait a sec, wait a sec.
Okay, okay, now say it.
Okay, now you're
being a jerk.
Oh, deja vu.
I turn my back and you
start to badmouth me.
All right, I can't be around you
when you're like this.
What, I don't remind you
of a Norman Rockwell painting
anymore?
No, I don't think he painted one
called "Pissy Wisconsin Jerk."
You ready?
Joe, please,
can't we just give up?
Did Thomas Edison give up?
Thomas Edison wasn't trying
to invent something
that was readily available
at a variety of stores
near his home.
Yeah, well, I'm not giving up.
Come on, man.
RICH VOICE:
I'm Bill McNeal.
WNYX news time: 4:00.
It works!
The eagle
has landed.
Joe, it sounds
exquisite.
I'll say. Thanks, buddy.
Sorry,
corporate America.
It seems the common man
triumphs once again.
The Unabomber
would be very proud.
Well, I can't believe
he did it.
He didn't.
What are you talking about?
RICH VOICE: I'm Bill McNeal.
I'm Bill McNeal.
How are you doing that?
I think I somehow use
the inside of my skull
as a sounding chamber.
I don't pretend to understand
the physics of it.
Bill, honey, why didn't you just
do this from the start
instead of making Joe
build you a machine?
Because when I do it this way,
I suffer from intense headaches
and blackouts.
Yeah, come on in, Joe.
Thanks for coming,
everybody.
Hey, where's Lisa?
Oh, actually, she and Dave
had a little fight moment
and she left early.
Yeah, which is why
I asked you all here.
Now, folks, what we have here
is an office divided.
You know, it's like some kind
of civil war,
and we all know what happens
in a civil war, right, Beth?
Yeah. Brother fights
against brother?
No. Some nutjob actor
pops the president in the head
while he's trying
to watch the show.
He was hiding
under his desk.
Look, Jimmy,
we were wrong, okay,
but Dave shouldn't have been
eavesdropping on us.
From under his desk!
It's totally bogus.
He pulled a desk job
on us, Jim!
All right, fine. Fine.
Okay, I'll start looking for
a new news director tomorrow.
What?
You heard me.
I'm replacing Dave.
You people have spoken,
I have listened.
Thanks for the time.
If you fire Dave,
I quit.
Who's with me?
Look, people fight all the time.
It doesn't mean anything.
One Christmas,
my brother hit me over the head
with a frying pan
to see if it'd change shape,
they way they do
in the cartoons?
It doesn't mean
he didn't love me.
I said, who's with me?
I'm sorry, folks.
Dave's out.
Jimmy, Dave is quite simply
the best news director
I've ever worked with.
But?
What? No, I really mean it.
Well...
Bill McNeal shows a little
compassion and sincerity.
Remarkable.
Those dimensions are there.
They're just unexplored.
Okay, so what
you're saying is,
you want Dave to stay?
Oh, yes.
Absolutely.
All right, you're
with me. I'm up.
All right,
but you'll stop bitching
about the way he does his job?
Ah...
That's...
All right, you'll be
more careful
about where you hold
your bitch sessions?
That's for sure.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay, I'll see you folks later.
Okay, well...
Thank you.
So did it
change shape?
The frying pan stayed the same.
What about your head?
I don't remember.
Thanks again,
folks. Yeah.
Thanks, Bill. Always
nice to see you.
You get all that,
pumpkin?
Wow.
See? They don't hate you.
I mean, quite the contrary.
Wow.
Okay, all right, Dave.
You know what you need?
Good night's sleep.
Definitely, but first...
A little hair
of the dog that bit you.
Come on.
No.
Just one?
Okay.
All right.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
What about Lisa? What are you
going to do about Lisa?
You know, I don't know what's
going to happen with that.
I mean, I'm okay with the rest,
but you know, what Lisa did
really hurts.
Well, yeah, but I mean,
you two can patch it up, huh?
I don't know.
I don't know this time.
All right. You know what?
I got to get my wallet.
I'll be right out there.
I'll be right with you.
Sorry about that.
Sometimes it works,
sometimes it don't.
Yeah.
That's all right.
He'll get over it.
I have my ways.
Yeah.
You know what?
Call him "pumpkin."
He likes that.
That's what
his mother calls him.
Yeah, but his mom's
really hot.
[♪]