Newhart (1982–1990): Season 3, Episode 4 - Miss Stephanie - full transcript

♪♪ [THEME MUSIC]

QUITE A STORM, HUH?

WHAT TIPPED YOU OFF?

THE WAY THE RAIN IS COMING DOWN,

OR THE FACT THAT ALL YOUR GUESTS

ARE HOLED UP INSIDE
THIS QUAINT LITTLE PILLBOX?

WELL, I... I KNOW IT MUST
BE A DISAPPOINTMENT

THAT THE RAIN
SPOILED YOUR VACATION,

BUT WE DO HAVE THINGS HERE

TO PASS THE TIME LIKE
PUZZLES, GAMES, BOOKS.

GREAT. VACATIONING HERE'S



SORT OF LIKE BEING SICK IN BED.

MR. ARMINTROUT'S
A VERY NASTY MAN.

WELL, HONEY, HIS
VACATION'S BEEN RUINED.

I'M SURE UNDERNEATH
IT ALL, HE'S A...

COMPLETE JERK.

HI, EVERYBODY. BOY,
IS IT NEAT OUT THERE.

THERE'S RUSHING WATER,
MUD, GUSTING WIND.

JUST KIND OF MAKES
YOU GLAD TO BE ALIVE.

YEAH, THAT'S WHAT
MR. ARMINTROUT WAS TELLING US.

DID YOU GET THE
SUPPLIES, GEORGE?

OH, I COULDN'T. THE MUD
WASHED OUT THE ROAD.

YOU SHOULD SEE IT.
WELL, YOU CAN'T SEE IT

'CAUSE IT'S WASHED OUT.
ALL YOU CAN SEE IS MUD.

THAT'S WHAT YOU SHOULD SEE.



BUT WE'RE OUT OF NECESSITIES.

WE DON'T HAVE
MILK, EGGS, BREAD...

MAGENTA RED NAIL POLISH.

GEE, I'M KIND OF MESSY.

I'D BETTER TAKE THESE
THINGS OFF ON THE MUD PORCH.

WELL, THANK GOD
FOR THE MUD PORCH.

MICHAEL, LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE
STRANDED HERE TONIGHT.

OOH!

I DON'T WANT TO BE ANY TROUBLE.

MICHAEL, THIS... THIS IS AN INN.

PEOPLE HAVE STAYED OVER BEFORE.

STEPHANIE, WHY DON'T YOU
MAKE UP ROOM SIX FOR MICHAEL?

OKAY. I'LL GET YOU
AN EXTRA BLANKET

AND A PICTURE OF ME
FOR YOUR BEDSIDE TABLE.

HEAVEN TIMES TWO.

[MICHAEL CHUCKLES]

DICK, YOU'VE GOT TO
GET ME OUT OF HERE.

- WHY?
- STEPHANIE'S NEVER SEEN ME

IN THE SAME CLOTHES
TWO DAYS RUNNING.

I'VE NEVER SEEN ME IN THE SAME
CLOTHES TWO DAYS RUNNING.

WELL, I COULD LEND
YOU SOMETHING OF MINE.

SURE, TAKE A BAD DREAM
AND TURN IT INTO A NIGHTMARE.

HI. I'M LARRY.

THIS IS MY BROTHER DARYL,

AND THIS IS MY OTHER
BROTHER, DARYL.

EXCUSE OUR APPEARANCE,
BUT THEY'VE JUST BEEN OUT

MAKING ANGELS IN THE MUD.

WELL, WHAT... WHAT
CAN WE DO FOR YOU?

NO, IT'S WHAT WE CAN DO FOR YOU.

OKAY. WELL, WHAT
CAN YOU DO FOR US?

WE THOUGHT THE NEIGHBORLY THING

WOULD BE TO LEND ASSISTANCE
IN THIS HOUR OF SLIME.

WELL, IF YOU'VE GOT ANY
EXTRA FOOD AT THE CAFE,

WE DON'T HAVE
ANYTHING FOR BREAKFAST.

- WHAT DO YOU NEED?
- WELL, EGGS...

WHAT KIND?

CHICKEN.

I THINK WE CAN SCRAPE
UP SOME OF THEM.

AND WE COULD USE BUTTER
AND BREAD AND MILK...

COW'S... COW'S MILK.

- MS. STEPHANIE.
- HI, LARRY.

AS LONG AS YOU'RE GOING
SHOPPING, COULD YOU PICK ME UP

SOME MAGENTA-RED NAIL
POLISH, EXTRA GLOSSY?

THEY'RE NOT... THEY'RE
NOT GOING SHOPPING.

THEY'RE GIVING US SOME FOOD.

OH, WELL. POO.

I THINK THAT'S IT.

WELL, I GUESS WE
SHOULD BE GOING.

DARYL HATES TO WASTE
PRECIOUS TIME INDOORS

ON A NIGHT LIKE THIS.

STEPHANIE, IS
MICHAEL'S ROOM READY?

AND WAITING.

I TURNED DOWN YOUR BED, I
TUNED THE TV TO CHANNEL EIGHT,

AND I SET YOUR ELECTRIC
BLANKET TO SIX AND A SQUITCH.

WHAT ELSE COULD A MAN ASK FOR?

EXCEPT A BLOW DRYER, TOOTHBRUSH,
AND A CHANGE OF CLOTHES.

ALARM, SHOE TREES,
WATER PICK, STYLING MOUSSE.

WHERE'S STEPHANIE?

SHE'S IN THE KITCHEN,
GETTING BREAKFAST.

DICK, LET ME HAVE YOUR
COMB. IT'S AN EMERGENCY.

I DON'T HAVE ONE ON ME.

WHAT'RE YOU DOING?
YOU LOOK OKAY.

AND THAT'S DISGUSTING.

- STEPHANIE!
- [GASPS]MICHAEL.

HOW'S MY GIRL.

YOUR... YOUR HAIR.

YOUR... CLOTHES.

THAT STUFF IN THE
CORNER OF YOUR EYE.

I... I GUESS THE
SANDMAN WAS HERE.

YOU MEAN THE BLECH-MAN.

STEPHANIE, YOU'VE
GOT TO BELIEVE ME.

I USUALLY LOOK SO MUCH
BETTER IN THE MORNING.

I JUST DIDN'T HAVE ANY
OF THE PROPER EQUIPMENT.

NEXT TIME, WE'LL PUT
OUT STYLING FORKS.

OKAY, WHO HAD...
- POACHED.
- POACHED.

GOOD MORNING, MS. STEPHANIE.

YOU LOOK PARTICULARLY
LOVELY WITH EGGS IN YOUR HANDS.

OH. THANK YOU.

I TOOK THE OPPORTUNITY
TO GO IN TOWN

AND GET THAT NAIL
PAINT YOU ASKED ME FOR.

OH, LARRY, YOU SAVED MY LIFE.

BUT HOW DID YOU GET INTO TOWN?

I THOUGHT THE ROADS
WERE WASHED AWAY.

OH, THAT JUST ADDED
A LITTLE SPORT TO IT.

MAGENTA RED, RIGHT?

I ALSO THOUGHT THE FLAMING
COLOR WAS KIND OF NICE.

YOU MIGHT WANNA TRY
THAT SHADE SOMETIME.

YOU DON'T THINK IT
WOULD BE TOO FLASHY?

NO, MA'AM. NOT ON A BLONDE.

LARRY, WHY DON'T
YOU BOYS SIT DOWN,

AND STEPHANIE WILL MAKE YOU
SOME OF THOSE EGGS YOU BROUGHT.

THANK YOU.

DARYL AND I'LL HAVE
THE CHICKEN EGGS.

DARYL HERE PREFERS THE OTHER.

THE, UH, THE OTHER?

LARRY.

WHAT KIND OF EGGS ARE THESE?

SCRAMBLED?

SCRAMBLED CHICKEN?
OR SCRAMBLED OTHER?

ONCE THEY'RE SCRAMBLED,
IT'S ANYBODY'S GUESS.

WELL, I... HATE TO EAT
GOD-KNOWS-WHAT AND RUN

BUT... I HAVE A BOOK TO WRITE.

I'LL CHECK YOUR SPELLING.

GREAT. EGGS FROM MY CHICK.

[MICHAEL CHUCKLES]

I DON'T KNOW WHY, MICHAEL,
BUT THINGS LIKE THAT

SOUND FUNNIER FROM
A GROOMED PERSON.

HEY, MISS. I WAS HERE FIRST.

WHY ARE YOU SERVING
HIM BEFORE ME?

HE WAS CLOSER TO THE KITCHEN.

AND I'M TALLER. WHAT
DIFFERENCE DOES THAT MAKE?

I HAVE YOURS RIGHT HERE.

WELL, TAKE 'EM BACK. WHILE
YOU WERE OVER THERE YAKKING,

THEY GOT COLD.

EXCUSE ME.

I MUST SPEAK.

DIDN'T YOUR MOM EVER TELL
YOU YOU COULD CATCH MORE FLIES

WITH HONEY THAN WITH VINEGAR?

NO. WANNA MAKE SOMETHING OF IT?

BUTT OUT.

GET ME ANOTHER
BREAKFAST, BUBBLEHEAD.

WELL, I THINK I'VE HEARD
JUST ABOUT ENOUGH.

MICHAEL!

HI. I'M LARRY.

THIS IS MY BROTHER, DARYL.

THIS IS MY OTHER BROTHER, DARYL.

SO?

WE JUST THOUGHT
YOU MIGHT LIKE TO KNOW

THE NAMES OF YOUR ASSAILANTS.

'CAUSE IF YOU DON'T STOP
ABUSING MS. STEPHANIE,

WE'RE GONNA BE ON YOU LIKE...

SCUM ON A POND.

NOW EAT YOUR BREAKFAST.

AND SMILE.

THANKS FOR STANDING UP FOR ME.

DON'T FORGET, I SET THEM UP
WITH THE FLIES AND VINEGAR LINE.

ALL I KNOW IS, SOMETIMES I WISH

CERTAIN PARTIES WOULD
BE MORE LIKE YOU GUYS.

HI. I'M LARRY.

HI. HI, LARRY.

WHAT IS... WHERE'S
YOUR BROTHER, DARYL,

AND YOUR... YOUR
OTHER BROTHER, DARYL?

THEY WENT TO SEE OLD YELLER.

I... I LOVE THAT MOVIE.

THERE'S A MOVIE?

WELL, WHAT... WHAT
CAN I DO FOR YOU?

ACTUALLY, I CAME OVER
HERE FOR SOME GIRL TALK.

WITH ME?

I'M PLEASED TO ANNOUNCE
I'VE GOT MYSELF A WIFE.

SOMEBODY TO COOK MY
MEALS AND BEAR MY CHILDREN.

FILL UP MY SENSES. MILK MY GOAT.

WELL, WHO'S... WHO'S
THE LUCKY WOMAN?

MS. STEPHANIE.

STEPHANIE VANDERKELLEN?

YES, SIR.

YOUR... YOUR WIFE?

THAT'S THE ONE.

I... I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

SHE WAS... SHE WAS
SINGLE AT BREAKFAST.

OH. WELL, I HADN'T EXACTLY

POPPED THE QUESTION YET.

BUT I GOT HER PICKED OUT,
AND THAT'S HALF THE HOG.

WELL, UM,

SHE... SHE ALREADY
HAS A BOYFRIEND.

THAT SLOPPY FELLA AT BREAKFAST?

ALL THE SIGNS POINT
TO HER PREFERRING ME.

WELL, SOMETIMES WE...
WE MISREAD THE SIGNS.

I... I KNOW FOR A
FACT THAT SHE'S...

VERY MUCH INVOLVED WITH MICHAEL.

OH.

HOW'RE WE GONNA
MAKE HER SEE THE LIGHT?

WELL, FIRST OF ALL.

WE AREN'T.

AND, SECOND OF ALL,
THERE IS NO LIGHT.

WELL, LET'S DON'T GIVE UP YET.

CAN YOU GIVE ME SOME ADVICE
ON HOW TO WIN HER HEART?

NO.

WELL, HOW'D YOU
WIN THE VITAL ORGAN

OF THE LOVELY MS. JOANNA?

UM.

I... I DON'T KNOW.
I TOOK HER OUT.

BOUGHT HER FLOWERS AND CANDY.

BATHED.

FLOWERS AND CANDY, HUH?

LARRY, I... I DON'T THINK
THAT'S GONNA DO IT FOR YOU.

I... I REALLY CAN'T
EMPHASIZE STRONGLY ENOUGH

THAT MS. STEPHANIE
HAS ABSOLUTELY NO...

I DON'T CARE IF IT'S
GONNA BE ROUGH HOEING.

MY FAMILY'S PERSISTENT
IN THE PURSUIT OF LOVE.

MY DADDY COURTED MY
MAMA FOR FIVE MONTHS

BEFORE SHE SAID THOSE
WORDS HE WAS LONGING TO HEAR.

"OKAY, UNTIE ME,
AND I'LL MARRY YOU."

I... I REALLY CAN'T EMPHASIZE

STRONGLY ENOUGH...

I'M JUST SORRY YOU HAD
TO BE EXPOSED TO ALL THIS.

THAT'S ALL RIGHT, SILLY.

I LOVE YOU FOR WHO YOU ARE,
NOT HOW YOU USUALLY LOOK.

WELL...

CIAO.

DRIVE SAFELY.

CHANGE THOSE CLOTHES.

BOY, RELATIONSHIPS.

WORK, WORK, WORK.

I DON'T BELIEVE THIS PLACE.

LOUSY ROOM, LOUSY FOOD,

LOUSY SERVICE, LOUSY WEATHER.

THANKS A LOT.

THIS IS THE WORST WEEKEND
I EVER SPENT IN MY LIFE.

THAT'LL BE $70.

LISTEN, LADY. IF YOU THINK
I'M GONNA PAY FULL PRICE

FOR A WEEKEND AT
MOTEL HELL, YOU'RE CRAZY.

MR. ARMINTRAUT.

YOU'VE DONE NOTHING
BUT INSULT ME,

MY HUSBAND, OUR EMPLOYEES,
OUR GUESTS, AND OUR INN.

IF YOU DON'T STOP
COMPLAINING AND PAY YOUR BILL,

I'M GOING TO JUMP
DOWN YOUR THROAT

AND PULL YOUR WALLET
OUT FROM THE INSIDE.

IS THAT SO?

WELL. WHY DON'T I
SAVE YOU THE TROUBLE?

I'LL GET YOU YOUR CHANGE.

KEEP IT... FOR NEXT YEAR.

GOOD AFTERNOON, MS. STEPHANIE.

UH, LARRY, LARRY, I
KNOW YOU HAVE TO RUN.

UH, LARRY,

I WANTED TO THANK YOU
AGAIN FOR THE NAIL POLISH.

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK
YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

AS YOU CAN SEE, IT WAS WORTH IT.

SURE WAS.

THE NEXT TIME YOU'RE IN
TOWN, COULD YOU PICK ME UP

- SOME BLUSHER?
- STEPHANIE.

MS. STEPHANIE, I'D
EAT BEES FOR YOU.

UH, WELL, LARRY, WE
DON'T WANT TO TIE YOU...

HOLD YOU UP.

DICK, WHY DID YOU
RUSH HIM OUT LIKE THAT?

HONEY, I JUST WANTED TO KEEP
THIS THING FROM MUSHROOMING.

WHAT THING?

STEPHANIE, LARRY...
LARRY LIKES YOU.

- I KNOW.
- NO, I MEAN,

HE... HE REALLY LIKES YOU.

MOST MEN DO, DICK.

ARE YOU BLIND?
DON'T YOU KNOW WHAT

ALL THAT BEE-EATING
STUFF WAS ABOUT?

THE MAN IS IN LOVE WITH YOU.

- YOU MEAN HE'S SERIOUS?
- YEAH.

INVOLVING HORMONES
AND EVERYTHING?

AND POSSIBLY ROPES.

UGH, HERE IT IS.

THE INEVITABLE
DINNER INVITATION.

"COME FOR VITTLES TONIGHT.

LARRY."

HERE WE GO AGAIN. TIME
TO BREAK ANOTHER HEART.

SHATTER A MAN'S DREAMS.

LEAVE HIM A TINY POOL
OF WHAT HE ONCE WAS.

WHAT TO WEAR, WHAT TO WEAR.

THIS HEART ISN'T GOING
TO BE THAT EASY TO BREAK.

IT NEVER IS.

SOME MEN POUT.

SOME MEN CRY.

SOME MEN STARE
COLDLY INTO SPACE.

THESE MEN TIE PEOPLE
UP AND CARRY THEM OFF.

THAT'S A NEW WRINKLE.

YOU CERTAINLY CAN'T
GO OVER THERE ALONE.

I WON'T. DICK WILL COME WITH ME.

I WILL?

JUST TO WAIT OUTSIDE
IN CASE THEY NEED YOU.

OKAY. HOW WILL I
KNOW IF YOU NEED ME?

UH, WE'LL HAVE A SIGNAL.

LET ME THINK. HOW'S THIS?

[STEPHANIE SCREAMS]

GOT IT.

HERE GOES.

HELLO?

LARRY?

DARYL?

AHH.

GOOD EVENING. I'M LARRY.

HI, LARRY.

I WANNA TALK TO YOU.

MY EARS CAN'T WAIT.

DARYL'LL TAKE YOUR COAT.

HANDS?

OKAY.

WOULD YOU CARE TO
TAKE A LOVELY LOAD OFF?

OKAY. LARRY...

[DARYL KAZOOS
"DELIVERANCE" BANJO]

[OTHER DARYL KAZOOS
"DELIVERANCE" BANJO]

♪♪ [CONTINUES]

WAS THAT THE SIGNAL?

SOUNDS... SOUNDS
KIND OF LIKE MUSIC.

I DIDN'T KNOW DARYL
PLAYED A COMB.

I DIDN'T KNOW DARYL
OWNED A COMB.

DARYL!

THIS IS WHY I SPENT
MONEY ON MUSIC LESSONS?

I THINK IT'S TIME
I SPOKE MY MIND.

MS. STEPHANIE,

WOULD YOU CONSIDER
SPENDING THE REST OF YOUR DAYS

WITH SUCH A HUMBLE
PUP AS MYSELF?

OH. WHAT A SWEET WAY TO PUT IT.

BUT NO WAY, JOSE.

THE FACT IS, I HAVE A BOYFRIEND.

BUT YOU TOLD ME
YOU LIKED ME BETTER.

WHEN?

I'LL ALWAYS REMEMBER
THOSE WORDS YOU SAID.

IT'S LIKE THEY'RE
TATTOOED ON MY HEART.

"ALL I KNOW IS, SOMETIMES I WISH

CERTAIN PARTIES WERE
MORE LIKE YOU, LARRY."

LARRY, YOU MAY HAVE
MADE MORE OF THAT

THAN WHAT'S INTENDED.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

IT'S NOT THAT I
DON'T LIKE YOU TOO.

BUT I LOVE MICHAEL.

WELL, WHAT IF SOMETHING
HAPPENED TO HIM?

LIKE IF HE GOT HIT BY LIGHTNING

OR FELL IN A RIVER?

OR SOMEBODY ACCIDENTALLY

LEFT A WOLVERINE
IN HIS BATHROOM?

THEN MIGHT I HAVE
REASON TO HOPE?

I WOULDN'T THINK SO.

I SEE.

THEN I GUESS THERE'S
JUST ONE MORE THING TO DO.

DARYL, GET THE SACK.

[STEPHANIE SCREAMS]

[CLATTER]

ALL RIGHT, NOBODY MOVE!

WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

THEY'RE GOING
TO PUT ME IN A BAG.

WELL, WE WON'T LET 'EM.

NO.

YOU WERE GOING TO...

YOU SENT DARYL FOR THE SACK.

THAT SACK?

YOU MAY BE PETITE, BUT
YOU AIN'T GONNA FIT IN HERE.

OH. LARRY.

MY BLUSHER.

THERE SEEMS TO BE
SOMETHING AS YET UNEXPLAINED.

WHY WERE YOU TWO
OUTSIDE SKULKING AROUND?

WELL, UH, YOU KNOW,

YOU TOLD THE STORY OF WHEN

YOUR MOTHER AND FATHER
WERE... WERE DATING.

AND, UH, AND THEY TIED THE KNOT

AFTER THEY UNTIED THE KNOT.

AND WE THOUGHT MAYBE, YOU KNOW,

IT WAS A FAMILY TRADITION.

THAT WASN'T TRADITION.
THAT WAS JUST WEIRD.

DIDN'T I MAKE THAT CLEAR?

WELL, IT WAS CLEAR IT WAS WEIRD.

BUT IT WASN'T CLEAR

IF YOU THOUGHT IT WAS WEIRD.

UM, I'M... I'M SORRY.

STEPHANIE, I'M CRUSHED.

DID YOU THINK I WAS GONNA
DO THE SAME THING TO YOU?

WELL, LARRY, I DIDN'T
KNOW WHAT TO EXPECT.

YOU'RE NOT LIKE ANY
OTHER MAN I'VE EVER MET

OR HEARD ABOUT.

I JUST HOPE YOU CAN FORGIVE ME.

STEPHANIE, I'D
RATHER GARGLE DIRT

THAN STAY MAD AT YOU.

OH, GOOD.

WELL, WE'LL BE RIGHT OUTSIDE.

UM... ACROSS THE WAY.

IN... IN THE INN.

PROBABLY UPSTAIRS.

GEE, DICK, I'VE GOT SOME
WORK TO DO IN THE GARAGE.

MAYBE I COULD COME UP LATER.

GOOD, GOOD.

STEPHANIE, I GUESS NOW YOU HAVE
A LITTLE BETTER UNDERSTANDING

OF THE WORKINGS OF MY MIND.

YEAH, I GUESS I DO.

WELL?

WILL YOU MARRY ME?

LARRY.

MICHAEL IS MY FIRST CHOICE.

A LOT OF OTHER PEOPLE
ARE MY SECOND CHOICE.

I MEAN, A LOT.

SO, IN A WAY, YOU'RE
KIND OF... THIRD.

WELL, THAT'S THE NICEST
STOMPING MY HEART HAS EVER HAD.

I'LL NEVER WASH THIS FACE AGAIN.

AH, GEE.

WELL. DOES THAT VITTLES
INVITATION STILL STAND?

OH, THAT SMELLS ABSOLUTELY...

[STEPHANIE SCREAMS]

FREEZE!

♪♪ [THEME MUSIC]