New Girl (2011–2018): Season 7, Episode 3 - Lillypads - full transcript

Ladies, stop stuffing yourselves
with pancakes. Daddy's coming in

at a nine, and we're seconds
away from being at a ten.

I got Ruth an interview at Lillypads,

the most prestigious preschool

in all of Jerry Brown's California!

- Ugh! Lillypads?
- I found out there was an opening.

Uh, the mayor of Malibu's son
just disappeared like that.

We're all praying
for his safe return, of course,

- just not until enrollment closes.
- JESS: Oh, my God.

Wait. Didn't you guys already
look at a preschool?

(scoffs) You mean Triangles?



(chickens clucking)

Okay.

- Ew.
- Chicken.

- Hmm?
- I made eye contact with the chicken.

He knows that I had eggs for breakfast.

Take her. Take the pretty one.

I don't think that a chicken

- cares that you had eggs.
- No!

I mean, I kind of liked Triangles.

Besides, are we really Lillypads people?

- Yes.
- I hope not. That kind of competitive,

overpriced private school, B dash, dash,

dash, dash, dash, dash, dash... T

is the reason why I got out
of teaching in the first place.



What did happen at Banyon Canyon?

Yeah, what did happen at Banyon Canyon?

You know I can't discuss that until

one of four civil lawsuits is settled.

- I know, but what...
- No further questions. You guys,

this is crazy. Look at this
beautiful, impressionable child.

Lillypads is the key to Ruth's future.

If she gets into Lillypads,
she gets into Willows.

If she gets into Willows,
she gets into Harvard.

And if she gets into Harvard,

- it's a bullet train to the Oval Office.
- Hmm.

Don't you want Ruth to be the president?

Of course I do,
but you can do it without going

to some pressure cooker
that turns her into a robot.

(in robotic voice): Meep, meep,
alphabet, meep, meep, numbers.

Have you not seen Star Wars?
Robots are helpful and

- often delightful.
- CECE: Please don't start this again.

You two have been arguing
about how Ruth should be raised

since the day she was born.

SCHMIDT: I'm sorry, I have to.

Okay, if it was up to her,
Ruth would have been born

in a rusty tub in the Ladies Y.

I'm not letting your
hippie-dippie mishegas

- ruin Ruth's future.
- (gasps)

This child is a genius.

Yay! (grunts)

- Oh!
- RUTH: Whoa.

She does this all the time.
Just give her a minute.

- She'll come to.
- Yeah.

- I'm okay!
- BOTH: (chuckles) There she is.

- (Ruth thuds) Oh, my God.
- Okay, all right.

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com

JESS: Ruth! I turn my back

for two seconds and you turn
yourself into a cat toy.

NICK: Hey, Jess.

- Hi.
- I'm off to the bar to write.

This is the first day
working on my new idea

and I have a perfect plan to make pages.

- Okay.
- All right, I'll see you.

Good-bye, Mr. Diarrhea-head.

- Hey, do you have my money, Ruth?
- (groans)

Then we have nothing to talk about.

Aunt Jess, I have to pee.

What? Oh, no. We have to untangle you.

Oh. We're not, we're not gonna make it.

I'll figure it out.

Wait, wait, what does that mean?

- Hey.
- Hey, why is my baby wrapped up in...

never mind, she'll figure it out.

We just came back

from Lillypads and we need your help.

SCHMIDT: We were picking up
our paperwork

when we ran into that
supervillain/wax figure/

former best friend of mine, Benjamin.

Have you gotten your kid
ready for this interview yet?

We got ourselves a 365 tutor, baby.

Christmas, New Year's Eve,
Fourth of July,

we own this man's ass.

W-What are they getting tested on?

Draw a face. Cut a circle.
Know colors. Make eye contact.

- SCHMIDT: I'm sorry, hold on.
- (Cece clears throat)

I'm sorry, at three?

- How could a child...
- (playing tuneful melody)

Is that your boy over there
playing the piccolo?

Oh, yeah. That's my seed, all right.

I had to lay down.
At which point, Benjamin's child

started giving me shiatsu.

- Oh.
- SCHMIDT: Which is apparently

another thing he knows how to do.

- Ew. Preschool tutors? (scoffs)
- SCHMIDT: Okay, Jess,

Ruth is never going to make it
through this interview

without a professional tutor.
And if we look past the whole

Banyon Canyon debacle, that's you.

Eh, I got out of that game years ago.

Look, I know it sounds crazy,

but Lillypads was really magical.

The kids wear uniforms and,
you know, not to sound weird,

- but they look hot.
- That sounds weird.

- They did.
- I hear you, I hear you.

They looked super hot.
Anyway, I have to run to work,

so is there any chance
that you could, you know,

teach her how to draw a face,
cut a circle,

carry out a conversation...

Okay, fine. I'll do it, for Ruth.

- BOTH: Yes.
- Under one condition.

- CECE: Sure.
- You do it on my terms.

What?

I'm gonna have to go
on a craft run, aren't I?

I'm gonna need pipe cleaners,
glitter, glue,

finger paints and six different
types of macaroni.

And that's just 'cause I'm hungry.

Honest to God, you don't
already have all of that

in this room already?

I mean...

(sighs)

Martini time.

I like martinis.

You know, I would be back to writing

because I'm kind of
in a nice flow, but, say,

do you mind telling me
that really interesting story

you just told me about when
you bought those shorts?

I bought 'em.

(laughs) A-And from the start of it,

when you realized you needed new shorts?

What was going on there?

You just looked around your
house and there weren't shorts?

Not the fingers, man, I'm a writer.

What are you doing here,
coming up on me like a maniac?

Um, it's me, Winston.

Sorry, man, I'm just
really edgy right now.

- All right, man.
- Working on this thing

- about Chicago, actually.
- Ooh.

So you know it's gonna be raw.
You know it's gonna be personal.

- Oh, yeah.
- Also, it doesn't exist.

And if I don't have 20 pages
by 3:00 today,

- I'm gonna get punched in the face.
- Who, your editor?

No. Some guy I hired off Craigslist.

Wait, so you hired a man
to punch you in the face

if you don't write 20 pages?

Yeah. I have no idea
what he looks like, either.

You know, I would have punched
you in the face for free.

- Well, I got somebody.
- Okay.

Well, anyway, I have a real problem,

one that I didn't bring on myself.

- I'm just really slammed.
- So, I'm a detective now

and I have to testify in these trials.

But you know I get rattled on the stand.

Can you repeat the question?

I asked you if you'd like me
to repeat the question.

Can you repeat the question?

Can you have her repeat the question?

- Let's dig in.
- Thank you.

When I was at law school, I-I learned

that if somebody falls apart
on the stand,

it's mostly because
they're hiding something.

So, I guess my question
to you, Detective, is:

- what are you hiding?
- Nothing.

- Nothing? (laughs)
- I have nothing to hide.

Well, maybe not on this case,
but perhaps you're hiding

something from... your past?

Objection. Form of a question.

Withdrawn. Isn't it true, Detective,

that this could be the result
of a guilty conscience?

I have nothing to be guilty about.

Ladies and gentlemen,
are we buying this?

'Cause I'm not.

My question is about the night
of January 12.

- Wait, what? No, no, no. No, no.
- 2001.

Nick, that is a cold case and
I won't discuss it any further.

Well, looks like
we're discussing it now.

I was not masturbating!

NICK: Easy, Winston.

You just screamed "masturbating."

- What are you doing, man?
- Sorry.

(sighs) Okay.

Jess, we have four hours.

(Jess exhales)

What are they doing?

- (both exhale)
- What are they doing?

What are they doing?
What are they doing?

What are they doing?
What are they doing?

What are, what are they doing?!

We're practicing our breathing.

Oh. Oh, okay, oh,

well, good, wonderful.

So, you're teaching Ruth
how to do the one thing

she's known how to do since birth.

Do you want to get one
of your other teacher friends

to prep your child for free?

(whispering): I didn't think so.

So shut your souphole.

Oh, look, it's Happy Sock.

- Hi, Happy Sock.
- Hi.

JESS: See, Schmidt?

We're not cutting circles;
we're being circles.

Right. Of course.

Ruth can't hold a scissor,
but now she can

twirl around like a goon
at a Phish show.

Okay, well, now you're just napping.

We're not napping, we're going
on a brain exploration.

I take that back, actually.

Ruth is napping.

Okay, well, that's enough, Jess.

You're sending Ruth straight
to Triangles. You hear that?

(mimics a chicken)
That's the schoolyard chickens.

And they're...
and they're pecking at Ruth.

And this time, they want her eyes.

I need my eyes for TV.

Oh, honey, don't you worry
about a thing, okay?

Daddy's gonna take over now.

But the clock is a-ticking,
so let's start with a drill.

- No. No drills.
- DRILL is an acronym.

D: Do it. R: Redo it.

I: Imitate what you just did.

L: Learn to keep doing it.

L: Live the rest of your life doing it.

DRILL, DRILL, DRILL.

Technically, that's an acrostic.

(high-pitched): Sweet burn, Jess.

Yeah. You got me. DRILL.

SCHMIDT: And again.

RUTH: Red, yellow, orange, green.

And that is how
you earn a dollar in America.

(quietly): She's not your child,
she's not your child...

Okay, Ruth, we're gonna do the
colors one more time, and then,

we're gonna move on to a section
that I like to call

"Get the numbers right,
and Daddy will give you

a stuffed animal."

SCHMIDT: Here we go.

RUTH: Red, yellow, orange, Denise.

- Yes.
- SCHMIDT: I'm sorry. Uh...

Did you just call green "Denise"?

Yes. The color's name is Denise.

Well, I hope you're happy.
The interview is in an hour,

and now green is Denise.

Green is whatever she wants it to be.

(whispers): Green is whatever
I want it to be.

- Huh.
- JESS: Green could be Denise

or Juanita or Jerry.

I just realized... (laughs)

- ...green is Jerry, for me.
- Green is not Jerry for me.

Are you and Aunt Jess in a fight?

Oh, no, no, no.
Uh, we're just telling stories.

Uh, once upon a time, there was
a fuzzy bunny

who decided that colors
didn't need names,

and anything could be called anything,

and the world descended into chaos.

But the bunny was happy,
because the bunny wasn't forced

- into somebody else's definition of color.
- Well, the fuzzy bunny

wasn't really an authority,
now, was she?

Because she used to work at a
school where instead of grades,

they gave out rainbows.

Bringing up the bunny's past
is uncalled for

in this cabbage patch. But the point is:

I know about private schools,
and the whole system is corrupt.

Said the very fuzzy bunny.

Until the Jewish carrot farmer
brought down his mighty shovel.

- The whole system is corrupt.
- (door closes)

- What's going on?
- SCHMIDT: Your friend

- is costing us Washington.
- Why didn't you marry Shivrang?

Ruth, is that coffee?

- Yep.
- Okay, there is a child here.

I'm gonna take her
to the bedroom right now

so she can watch local news bloopers.

I don't know why she likes them so much.

They're blowing their big shot.

Okay. All right honey, let's go.

Bye, honey.

Mm-hmm. Talk to you later.

Bye, Ruth. Great job.

SCHMIDT: Green is green.

- You did this. You did this.
- You did this. You did this.

- You did this.
- You did this.

WINSTON: Are we still on this?

When are you gonna let this go?

When you come clean, Detective.

There is nothing to come clean about.

Wait, aren't you 11 pages away

from getting punched in the face?

Oh, just answer the question.

Does or does not the evidence
speak for itself?

Do I need to refresh your memory, sir?

I didn't phone ahead
to warn you of my arrival.

I just thought it would be fun
to surprise you at college.

WINSTON: It was fun.

Well, it should have been fun.

- NICK: A man in front of a computer...
- (echoes): No...

WINSTON: I was checking my EarthLink.

NICK: With no pants on.

WINSTON: You know my bottoms run hot!

NICK: Tissues suspiciously close.

WINSTON: They were Doug's.

Lotion. One sock.

Ashy elbows. Cold left foot.

Look, why am I explaining this to you?

You're the one who's supposed
to be writing right now.

You know what I figured out?

You are a procrastinator.

Said the pro-masturbator.

You always procrastinate when something

is important to you.

And you know how I know?

January 12, 2001.

- Damn you.
- You drove eight hours across

the country to come see me at college,

to ask me if I have seen A Bug's Life.

- Oh...
- A Bug's Life.

The weekend before your midterms.

You son of a bitch!

♪ Big test, oh, yeah ♪

Focus.

(chuckles)

Oh, I got to pick that up.

Whoa!

It's been a while though, hasn't it?

You should have appreciated the
fact that your friend hitchhiked

across the country to visit you.

- (both laugh)
- You're a procrastinator.

You want to know why you
procrastinate? I'll tell you.

But you didn't give me
a chance to answer.

How am I supposed to answer

if not given the chance?

- Fine. Answer.
- It's a vague question.

It's not a vague question.
Why do you procrastinate?

- I don't know.
- Nick, you procrastinate

when something is important
to you, because deep down,

you're don't think you're
good enough to get it done.

(laughing):
That's the dumbest thing I've...

It's also... that's possibly true,

because that really feels
like what I do when I...

Keep going, you're in a good zone.

So, of course, when you actually
get the opportunity

to write something about your own life,

the first thing you do is choke.

You know how I know?

Well, because for some reason,
I'm your oldest friend.

So I hope you get punched
in the face today.

I really do.

And then maybe, you'll finally see

that you are good enough to
be everything you want to be.

You masturbated one time.

I swear to God, Nick.

If I wasn't kicked off of Craigslist...

Schmidt, you look
like you're gonna be sick.

Remember, they've only been
on the planet for three years.

Oh, God. Is that kid reading
Jonathan Franzen?

Wow, this place is like
the frickin' Louvre.

There's a kid handing out mints
in the bathroom.

Well, then, why'd you come?
To see your liberal snowflake

- hippie trash handiwork?
- No. I came for Ruth.

And in silent protest against

institutions such as this hellhole.

But it's quicker to say "for Ruth."

- You are a queer little woman.
- Guys, tighten up. All right?

They started assessing us
the minute we parked the car.

- Xiawuhao.
- What?

That's "good afternoon" in Mandarin.

Just a little amuse-bouche
for the judges.

I also brought an actual amuse-bouche.

It's a crostini with burrata and tomato.

Doesn't that sound yummy, Schmidt?

Back off, Benjamin.
Your burrata doesn't scare me.

- (laughs) I think it does.
- It kind of scares me.

Ruth, just ignore them.
You're gonna do great in there, okay?

Feeling good?

Meow.

Ha! She just said "meow."

(both laugh)

MISS CARLY: Okay. Kids,

you can go inside. And parents,

you'll be watching
from a two-way mirror,

which was a generous gift from a family

that's too powerful to name.

(whispers): It's Tate Donovan.

- Oof.
- All right. Let's go.

- Let's hit it.
- Okay, you ready, honey?

Remember what we talked about.

ROYGBIV. Red, orange, yellow...

Schmidt, she's got it. Okay?
You're gonna do great in there.

You're gonna bring the heat,
aren't you, Ruth?

Ruth gonna do what Ruth gonna do.

- Oh, dear God.
- Okay.

- Please state your name, sir.
- (whispers): So...

I'm Winston Bottoms.

Uh, Winston I Was Wearing Bottoms.

Damn it. S-I'm sorry to curse.

I didn't mean... uh,
that's... I know my name.

Let's just get that...
let the record show that.

When you do your thing. And um...

I'm Detective Bottoms.

Are you okay, sir?

Ha. I'm-I'm... yes, sir,
I'm sorry, um...

My lower half has got the sweats.

I'd like to put in a request
for a wet wipe.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,

if anyone has a wet wipe, I will gladly

receive said wet wipe
and clean off my lower half.

Your Honor, may I request a recess?

Come on, Miller, churn out the magic.

Come on. Let's get started. Let's go.

"Nick Miller grew up in Chicago.

"He came from a family.
He hated Winston.

"Winston was really annoying.

In a lot of ways, Winston is
still annoying, but..."

It's supposed to be about me!

Stupid Winston, it's sup... (sighs)

I'm screwed, I only have six
pages. What time is it?

Mmm... 3:01.

3:01. I'm screwed.

(groans)

(laughing)

It was you.

Craigslist, bitch! (laughs)

It was always you.

Wow, Stuart really nailed
the face-drawing portion.

He included eyelashes
and expressive eyebrows.

Must you narrate? The whole point

of the audio-enhanced plexiglass
is that I can hear on my own.

Oh, boy, it's circle-cutting time.

Miss Carly is handing
the scissors to Ruth.

Ruth is taking the scissors.

Ruth is starting to use the scissors.

SCHMIDT: Don't tell me what she's doing.

Actually, you know what?
Tell me. Never tell me.

Forget it, this is a disaster,
we should go.

Ruth S.

Your circle is perfect.

- I knew it.
- I want to buy her things.

I want to buy her lots
and lots of things.

Suck it, Benjamin!
Your bouche just got amused.

RUTH: But what if it's not
a circle, Miss Carly?

- No!
- RUTH: What if it's a moon,

and it's sad 'cause it's daytime?

What a colossal crap of the bed.

Ruth S, wonderful imagination.

You just earned three tadpoles.

- Three tadpoles!
- Three frigging tadpoles!

Everyone, right here.

You know what got her
those three t-poles?

Hippie-dippy mishegas.

JESS: Well, she couldn't cut

a perfect circle without your

cold-blooded demand for excellence.

Is it possible that after
all of this time fighting,

that, together,
we're the perfect parent?

- I mean, look, you're sweet.
- You're salty.

Excuse me, she lived inside
of me, ya jerks.

No. No, Stuart!

Oh...

That's an oval!

Oh, well, looky over there.

What is this? Huh?

I don't love you anymore!

Oval's for losers.

RUTH: Hey. Your name is Denise now.

What? No, it's not, Schmidt's kid.

Piccolo! Piccolo!

Piccolo! Piccolo!

All right, I heard you.

Too much pressure. He's a kid, Denise.

- Oh boy.
- Why is she calling everybody Denise?

The whole system is corrupt. Meow!

(kids all shouting)

(all shouting, laughing)

They jammed the damn door shut
with a piccolo.

Meow!

♪ ♪

(girl screams)

(all gasping)

(screaming)

♪ ♪

(shouting, cheering)

(all gasp)

Schmidt-Stain! Help me!

(whispers): Oh, God.

Losing confidence?

Nick, what are you doing here, man?

I came to thank you.
I got punched in the face,

and I gotta say, it set me free.

Check it out, man. 20 pages.

And they're all good.
Some of them are good.

Five pages are good.

- I really like the title.
- I'm proud of you, man.

I couldn't have done it without you.

- Aw, stop.
- Honestly.

You push me, man, you always have.

I don't know who I would've been
if I hadn't have met you.

- Chicago, man.
- Chicago.

Tough love, man. Chicago.

- Let's go see the Bean.
- What?

I-I don't know.
I don't know why I said that.

- Winston, I came here to punch you.
- Okay.

Punch you with my truth fist
in your guilt nuts.

Okay? And I'm gonna
punch your nuts hard.

- Okay.
- How long you been working this case?

Long time, man. Months.

And does anybody know it better than you?

Nobody.

Then why don't you have the
confidence to take the stand?

The problem is,
is you still see yourself

as that 10-year-old boy

who fainted the first time
you went rollerblading.

You rolled right into Lake Michigan.

That did wake me up.

But you're not that kid.

You're a detective now.

Married to the love of your life.

You have a child on the way.

Unburden yourself, Winston.

Now, I'm going to ask you one last time.

Did you or did you not masturbate?

I. Did. Not.

- Damn it, Detective.
- I didn't.

Detective?

Did you have intent
to pleasure yourself?

I did.

♪ ♪

_

(audio slowed): Niiiick!

I did have the intent, man.

But you know how it is when
you're a hot-blooded

Chicago teenager, man.

- Oh, yeah.
- (exhales)

But it's over now.

Wow. Man, I feel better.

- Of course you do.
- I feel a lot better.

Get in here, man. Chicago.

- Chicago.
- Chicago.

Detective, recess is over.
We're ready for you now.

I wanted to pleasure myself,

and this man helped me get there.

- Aw, you did it on your own.
- Oh, no, you helped me.

- No, you did it on your own.
- (laughs)

Okay, I did it on my own.

- Chicago.
- Chicago.

I really hope the paramedics
got that piccolo

- out of Miss Carly.
- Oh, I doubt it.

The doctor at the hospital said that

Benjamin will have a permanent smile.

Like the Joker.

You guys, I'm so sorry.
This is my fault.

I'm just not cut out for this

dog-eat-dog private school world.

You should have never asked me for help.

- No, honey, it's okay.
- It was mostly your fault.

You guys made such a cool kid.

I mean, she's crazy and she's strong,

and she's going to be exactly
who she wants to be

no matter what any of us say.

Ruth gonna do what Ruth gonna do.

Maybe we just need
to get out of her way.

Ruth, honey.

What school do you want to go to?

Ugh. That boy is grooming Ruth
like a cat.

- (laughing)
- CECE: She looks so happy.

- RUTH: Again!
- Chicken! Hey, you. Yeah. Chicken.

- You and me are gonna be friends.
- (clucking)

- CECE: Oh. Well, hey.
- JESS: You came!

(laughs) Yeah, we wanted to see
Ruth's new school.

It's dingy.

Daddy, come drink from the garden hose.

(gags)

Okay, guys,

if I'm gonna put my mouth
on a dirty rubber tube,

so are all of you... let's go.

I don't wanna do that.

- Come on.
- I don't wanna do that.

- RUTH: Drink, Daddy, drink.
- Hello, Mr. Triangles.

SCHMIDT: Well, ma'am,
let me get in there.

NICK: All right! Get the germs.

- SCHMIDT: Here I go.
- NICK: Drink it.

- Drink it, Schmidty.
- SCHMIDT: Here I go.

Here I go.

- NICK: Yeah!
- CECE: There you go.

(laughter)

(Schmidt gags, spits)

- SCHMIDT: Yuck!
- (rooster crows)

Triangle water is chicken water!

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com