New Girl (2011–2018): Season 7, Episode 2 - Tuesday Meeting - full transcript
This one I call "the writer's journey."
- Stuck between two thoughts.
- Mm-hmm.
Lifelike. Wow.
- What the...?
- I'm sorry about that.
- Cooper's my social media director.
- Open your mouth.
- You're the boss.
- Nice.
- What magazine is this again?
- Teen BeTween the Lines.
- Ma'am, you're in the shot.
- Ma'am, you're in the shot.
- Oh, I'm... Okay.
- Still in the shot.
- You're in the shot. In the shot.
- So... Oh.
- Really? I guess this is on me.
- Good.
- I could've gone left or right.
- Guys, let's take five.
Or as Pepperwood would always
say, "Keep your knife dry."
- #KeepYourKnife...
- Half that.
- #KeepTheKnifeDry.
- Hashtag.
Oof. I've got to go meet with my editor.
We're gonna talk
about the latest Pepperwood.
Oh, the one you wrote in Europe?
He's gonna love it.
Way more than the last book
he published,
Dede, the Girl with A.D.D.
That wouldn't even keep my attention.
- Ooh-hoo-hoo-hoo. Burn.
- Burn.
You got a lot of edge
this morning, sister.
Damn right I do. I'm a working girl now.
Russell and I are building libraries.
He's got me rolling up my sleeves
to make it happen.
Hi, this is Jessica Day
from the Schiller Fund.
I'm just calling to make sure
this is still the number
for a Mr. Marvin Linklever.
It is? I'll put a check by your name.
When you're done with the "L" s,
this is the first batch of "M" s.
Sounds like a lot of busywork.
You cool with that?
I'm leaning toward no.
I'm listening.
But at least I have time
to have lunch with my girl Cece.
We're celebrating me getting this...
- glamorous new job.
- Oh, hell yeah.
Hey, what's up, guys?
What are you doing here?
Check this out. Look what I found.
Three Men and a Little Box Set.
The lady and the baby.
- I got to watch this.
- Winston.
- Hmm?
- How long have you been here?
Not long, like, three, four, five hours.
- Something like that.
- You don't live here, man.
I'm doing a slow move.
Oh. Mm. Duty calls.
It's Russell. My boss.
Hey, Russell, what's up? What you got?
Oh, big meeting today.
Yeah, I'll, um...
I'll get some parking cones.
- Ma'am, you're in the shot.
- I am?
Yeah, still in the shot. Still. Still.
In the shot, in the shot,
in the shot, in the shot,
- in the shot...
- Hold on, Russell,
I just have to crawl out
of my apartment.
In the shot, in the shot, in the shot,
in the shot, in the shot,
in the shot, in the shot,
in the shot, in the shot,
in the shot, in the...
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com
Cece, I was up all night
trying to put Ruth to sleep.
I'm losing my mind.
I feel like I'm in the third act
of a Darren Aronofsky film.
- Cheers, Daddy!
- Yeah, tell me about it. I'm wiped, too.
I think I put on your underwear
this morning.
If I'm being totally honest,
I wore your underpants once
to a yoga class.
Ruth, do you want to go to sleep?
No way.
If you do, I'll write you
a check for $6,000.
Checks! Checks! Yay, checks!
- That didn't quite go as planned.
- Yay!
You know what, all I actually have to do
is get to this lunch with Jess.
- Which is gonna be really fun.
- Let's play patty-cake.
Sorry to talk about a fun lunch
while you're at home.
No, look, we have a kid now.
One of us should be enjoying our lives.
Yeah, you're right.
We should enjoy our lives.
Go to your adult lunch. Eat, drink,
and come home and tell me
of the world out there.
Remember me to the people.
Cece,
I-I love you.
C-Cece? Hello?
- Play patty-cake.
- I'm trying.
Nick... I don't know where to begin.
I know. Pepperwood's growing up.
He's becoming... transcendent.
Unbearable. What is this fluff?
You've got two chapters
of Pepperwood and Jessica Night
in bed eating croissants.
They chase a feather
down a cobblestone street?
He fell in love, Merle.
And then he was reborn.
And it's sweet when you think
about it like that.
Okay, I've seen this a million
times. Your life has changed,
and now you've lost his voice.
I can't publish this.
What?
What are you saying? Pepperwood's over?
Maybe it's run its course.
Maybe it's time to move on
to something new.
- You have other ideas, right?
- Oh, yeah, a ton of 'em.
- Okay. All right.
- So many.
- Great.
- In my computer drawer at home.
Well, why don't you come in tomorrow,
pitch me your best three,
and we'll see what we got.
No. I want to pitch you my best ten.
I'm gonna pitch you three.
Let's make it three. That seems...
Hey, girl! Hey, girl!
- I love that we are doing this.
- So good to see you!
- Celebrating your new job.
- Two hardworking ladies.
♪ Work hard, play hard,
work hard, play hard ♪
- ♪ Work hard, play h... ♪
- Okay.
Let's sit down. I'm beat.
Ruth was up all night.
Hey, excuse me, young man,
could we get two glasses
- of Chardonnay?
- Chardonnay!
- And a pot of coffee.
- We are doing this.
We are doing it!
So, Ruth is pretty tough,
but even if she's not sleeping,
at least she's not still potty training.
Ooh...!
- What, baby?
- It's happening.
Okay. Here we go. Here we go.
- Occupied!
- Why is Daddy still in the bathroom?
I don't know, honey.
This'll do. This is great.
Okay, and...
That was a close one.
Honestly, I'm just craving
some adult time.
Oh. You're quick with it. I like that.
Yeah. We're here to celebrate you.
So, tell me about the job.
You know, it's great. It's, um,
you know, a big office.
Fueling fires. Making a difference.
Make that money. I love that.
Mm.
Okay.
Mmm. Honestly, I'm
probably gonna quit after lunch.
- What?
- Cool if we call this your treat?
Right. Heroin's in the diaper pail,
baby wipes are in the cabinet.
Oh, man, she's so lucky
to have three dads.
Hey, have you seen this?
- Come on, man.
- These three goofballs just hid heroin
in the baby's diaper disposal.
- What a ride!
- Winston, why are you still here?
- Shh! Shh!
- To have fun.
Why are you here?
Keep it down. Ruth is napping.
In my bed?
You put that kid to sleep in...
Yes, and I changed the sheets.
It's very clear to me what side
of the bed you sleep on.
- Busted.
- Ruth hasn't slept in 24 hours,
so I drove her around in my car.
She told me she had to pee,
so I brought her here.
She nodded off on the toilet.
It was very cute.
Honestly, it reminded me of you.
- That's great...
- I took 70 pictures.
- But that's...
- Hey, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Are you guys seeing this?
I just thought of it just now.
Three Men and a Little Lady.
One, two, three.
We should do this movie with Ruth.
Winston, you cannot do a movie.
What is that goon Guttenberg
painting on the walls?
Words sound weird to me
when I'm this tired.
That ever happen to you?
Like, Gu-Guttenberg.
Gu...
- Gu...
- Gu...
- Enough, guys!
- Gu'enberg.
Merle hated my last draft.
He said Pepperwood is over.
- What?
- I'll kill him.
He wants me to pitch new ideas
by tomorrow.
You can't tell ideas to a dead man.
Winston, stop! Nobody's killing anybody.
- Okay.
- But the truth is,
I do have something new.
And I'd like to pitch it to you guys.
- He's tough.
- Okay.
- He's controversial.
- Ooh-hoo-hoo.
He's pro-choice.
He's Senator Porcupine.
Pass. Pa-Pass in the room.
- Uh, question for the author.
- No, thank you.
Senator Porcupine...
how does he put on a tie?
Good question.
Ow!
- Oh, geez.
- Aah!
Aah!
- Mm. Mm.
- I don't know. With-with his mouth?
That's what I'm saying...
I don't have the answer.
I mean, Pepperwood was all that
I had. Now I've got nothing.
I feel like I'm, like, a wood-maker
who can't make any, um...
- Wood.
- Wood! See, I don't have anything!
I knew it! I got nothing!
I'm awake!
Hey, I think Ruth is awake.
You think, Winston?
Wait, so, you're saying
that you're doing Russell's busywork?
That you, Jessica Day, former principal
of an entire school,
is doing his busywork?
Nah, girl. Nah, hold up. One sec.
How's that wine and coffee
combination treating you?
My heart is beating really fast,
but time is moving really slow,
- so it all kind of evens out.
- Hmm.
Wait, why are you quitting?
He has a couple guys he trusts,
and I just get left out
of all the major decisions.
- Typical.
- Heads up,
you're putting sugar in your wine.
I made a boo-boo.
Let's just...
No, I made a yum-yum.
- You know what the craziest thing is?
- Tell me.
Every Tuesday,
he has these lunch meetings
with a couple of guys from the office,
- and he's never once invited me.
- Babe.
- Yes, babe.
- Every woman has a "Tuesday meeting"
they haven't been invited to.
How many times in your life
have you been excluded
from something important or talked over
or ignored because you're
the only woman in the room?
It was different
when I was running my own company,
but ever since we joined with GKM,
I've had to start dealing
with this male-pattern dumbness.
Ugh.
- What is that?
- It's a breast pump, Ken.
I said I needed time to pump,
and you refused
to change the meeting, so here we are.
Now, for the jeans campaign.
Which one of these guys says,
"I'm having fun in Toronto"?
So, for half an hour,
they had to sit there
and watch me get milked
like a freaking cow.
Oh, yeah, your nipples looked
like pizza bagels in that thing.
Yeah, they do.
You know what?
This is not the first time
- I've been left out of a Tuesday meeting.
- Mm-hmm.
Remember my first job in administration?
The budget's still too high.
You know, I think it might be
the number of field trips
we've been going on?
What about the number of field trips?
Yes, exactly.
- Great idea.
- I literally just said that.
I think we're gonna need
to take it out
of the transportation budget.
Here's a crazy idea.
What if we take it out
of the transportation budget?
Ben, Ben, Ben, Ben,
Ben, Ben, Ben, Ben, Ben!
I've been left out of Tuesday meetings
- as long as I can remember.
- Yes.
Exactly. The system is broke,
and I can't feel my face.
- Is that a good thing?
- I don't know.
Oh, that belongs in the fire.
- Whoa.
- Oh, hey, guys.
What do you got here, buddy?
A little room fire?
That seems safe.
Oh, don't worry, I got this.
Oh, I should've known
that was whiskey. Oh.
Guys, please let me hate myself
and everything that I have created.
That's it. I have to call Merle.
I'm gonna tell him
that I've got nothing.
My career's over.
Pepperwood was all that I had.
I'm done.
- I'm three.
- Everybody knows that, Ruth.
Okay, look, Nick,
you're not gonna call Merle.
Okay, you're gonna go in there tomorrow,
and you're gonna do...
Wake up, Daddy.
You're gonna do an A-plus,
perfect-style job.
Nick, you have a ton of ideas, okay?
A lot of i...
...idea notebooks.
- I don't want to hear this.
- Here we go.
Oh, never mind, that's a maze you drew.
Yeah, you drew a maze...
then couldn't solve it.
You went straight for the wall.
It was a hard maze.
This one is just a list of words
that rhyme with "moon."
But then right away,
it's "bun." "Moon, spoon, loon, bun"?
The heck is this?
There was no other words
that rhymed with "moon."
- "Tune"?
- That's what I'm saying.
I don't have a...
Pepperwood was all that I had.
I've got nothing.
You're Mr. Diarrhea Head.
Please don't say that to me right now.
I'm going through a thing right now,
so please don't say that to me.
I'm asking you,
please don't call me that.
Okay, Mr. Diarrhea Head.
No, you're the Diarrhea Head.
Okay? Schmidt, what would you
like me to do here?
What do you want from me?
What am I supposed to do?
Uh, you used to love fixing my life.
Before... came around.
It's different times.
I got to wipe her butt.
I got to wipe my butt.
I can't wipe your butt, too.
Can I get in on that?
Never mind.
That's it, I'm done. I'm calling Merle,
and I'm telling him
I don't have any ideas.
Ruth, honey, will you please
watch Uncle Nick
while Uncle Winston and I
have a conversation?
Fine. Follow me.
I'll follow you if I want to follow you.
- Let's go.
- Okay. I'm coming.
If anyone's the boss
between us, it's me.
I'm the boss.
You know something, I used to think
that Nick was the Guttenberg,
but it turns out
he may be the little lady.
Winston, I need you to focus here.
We have a spiraling man on our hands.
We just need to remind him
that he has good ideas.
Do we have any other idea notebooks?
Because this is just nonsense.
I read it,
and I don't want to be friends
with him anymore.
Maybe...
it doesn't have to be his writing.
- It could be from anything.
- Hmm.
- Just find something.
- You know what, yes.
Yes. Um...
Okay.
Here we go. "All reactionaries
are paper tigers.
"In appearance the reactionaries
are terrifying,
but, in reality,
they are not so powerful."
- That really grabs you.
- Yeah.
- What is that?
- It's, uh... Mao's Little Red Book.
The Chinese communist manifesto?
Yes.
Read that again.
"All reactionaries are paper tigers..."
You know what I don't get?
When did I start thinking
it was my fault? Is that good?
- Mm-hmm.
- Why am I the one who has to quit?
Yes! That's right. You know what?
Tell me what day it is.
It's... Tuesday.
Tell me where we're going.
To the Tuesday meeting.
The last Tuesday meeting
I won't be invited to.
- Mm-hmm.
- Add this to the agenda, you jagbags.
That's right. I am drunk right now
and very awake!
Daddy got me this dress.
Well, you know, your dad used
to, uh, dress me, too, Ruth.
- Why?
- Uh, because he cared.
- Why?
- I don't really know, but he did.
- Why?
- Before you, I was his baby girl.
Nick.
Look what we just found.
A forgotten masterpiece.
You've got to hear this.
You've still got it.
"All reactionaries are paper tigers.
"In appearance the reactionaries
are terrifying,
"but in reality,
they are not so powerful."
And that? That's just the beginning.
I mean, I don't remember writing it.
It does sound
like something I would write.
Just think about it.
You're always saying stuff like,
"In reality, they are not so powerful."
- In terms of the reactionaries.
- Ha ha!
- I wrote that?
- Check that out, man. That's you.
- That's crazy.
- Let me take a peek at that.
You just need to believe
in yourself, Nick.
You've still got it. It's powerful.
It's v-very... it's-it's powerful stuff.
Well, I think it's pretty clear.
I'm back, boys.
Whoa! Shut up!
I'm an awesome writer.
- Yeah, you are, man.
- You're v... you're v...
- you're very... you're very good.
- You're the best.
If I were a red shoe,
where would I hide?
- I'm going over here. Ah.
- Oh, my God.
What about back here? No.
You got to be crazy.
Turn that down!
Ruth is finally asleep.
Also, what are you doing here?
Did my wife give you a key?
Yeah. For emergencies.
What is the emergency?
If they don't get the little lady
back from England...
- man, they may never see her again.
- Oh, forget it.
If you're gonna watch that,
turn on the closed captioning.
If Ruth wakes up again,
I'm gonna plotz my pants.
- Oh, Schmidt, are you here? Winston!
- Shh! Shh! Shh!
Winston Bishop...
- I'll do it again.
- Shh!
Don't do this. Shh!
Please. Why aren't you writing?
I was writing, but I got
so inspired by the pages
that you found that I drove
straight to Merle's office.
"Revolutionary culture
"is a powerful revolutionary weapon
for the broad masses of the people."
Hey, w-what do you call this again?
- Johnny's Big Day at Work.
- Nice.
I have another title for you.
- Mao's Little Red Book?!
- Shh! Please, voices.
- Mao's Little Red Book?!
- Voices. Voices!
- You lied.
- Shh.
You lied to me.
Don't look at it as a lie.
- All right.
- Look at it as not a lie,
and then... and then you're fine.
And now I'm not just a hack
with bad ideas,
- but I'm a filthy commie!
- Shh. Please!
And you know I'm no commie!
I don't know your personal beliefs.
- You don't know my personal beliefs?
- Enough!
Those are fightin' words.
We didn't think that you were gonna give
those actual pages to your editor.
We were just trying to inspire you.
Also, why do you own that book?
You see a red book, you buy a red book.
- What do you do with blue books?
- Don't buy.
- Yellow books?
- Wait on it.
- That's true.
- Hi, Daddy.
No. Good God, child.
Oh... my... God.
I know what we need to do.
♪ Goodnight, sweetheart,
well, my friends are liars ♪
♪ We were just trying ♪
♪ To help you write... ♪
Guys, you see what we're doing?
We're doing Three Men and a Baby.
- Winston, you cannot do a movie.
- Can't do a movie.
Yes, you can. You can do any
movie except for a documentary,
because those already happened.
Harmony on three.
One, two, three.
♪ Goodnight... ♪
I'm not tired.
- Knock-knock, Russell.
- Who's there?
- Two women.
- Two women who?
- Two women coming in!
- Two women coming in who?
We went over this, Cece...
that's not the line.
That's exactly the kind of input
we've been talking about.
Russell? We need to talk.
Oh, I'm scared of this energy.
Ya best be. Ya best be scared.
Is she drunk?
Yeah. On four glasses of Chardonnay
and two pots of coffee.
And I'm drunk on rage!
Knock-knock, boys.
Open your brain doors.
- Sit down, Cece.
- Okay.
Look, I've let this slide too
much in my life, but no more.
You may not want me in this
meeting, but I belong here.
- Yeah, I-I'm not sure you do.
- Too late, Russell.
- I'm bustin' in.
- ♪ Work hard ♪
- ♪ Play hard, work hard ♪
- Can't keep a good woman down.
- ♪ Play hard, work hard ♪
- Cece, sit.
- Okay.
- You think just 'cause I'm a woman,
I can't bring anything
to the table? Well, try me.
'Cause I'm pullin' up a chair,
- and I'm gettin' in the game.
- Ooh.
Okay. Guys, this is Jessica Day.
Jessica, this is my
divorced father support group.
We meet every Tuesday.
Oh, that's why you're crying.
It makes sense now.
Divorced fathers?
Um, my dad...
my dad is a divorced father.
Your kids are gonna turn out fine.
Sort of. There-there
might be some rough years.
I like your choice of snacks.
Ugh, Russell, I know
you're probably mad at me
for many reasons.
One you might not know about
is that my friend did indeed
get sick in
the receptionist's desk drawer.
- I just wanted to say...
- No, I wanted
to say that this morning
I was ready to quit.
Wait, you're gonna quit?
But I decided not to, because I know
I can really make a difference
for these schools
if you will let me.
I know I was wrong
about the meeting, but you
have to admit, you haven't
given me any real work to do.
- That's true.
- Why is that?
Do you not think of me as an equal?
Because if that's the case,
that needs to change.
No, that's not it at all.
Jess, it's just that you're new here,
and I've got a lot of trust issues.
Probably from my third wife, Jackie.
In fact, we were just discussing
it in the divorced dad...
Wait, I thought your fourth wife
was named Jackie.
I married two women named Jackie.
- Back-to-back?
- Yeah. They were related.
It's complicated.
Look, I got to make this right.
I hired you because I feel like
you're exactly the right person
to get stuff done around here.
So I guess it's time for me to
just let go and let you do that.
You won't regret it.
- All right.
- Also, while we're here talking,
we need some tampons in the bathroom.
Are you asleep?
No.
Well... I give up.
This is my reality.
I'll never sleep again.
Tell me a story, Uncle Nick.
Me? No, no, no.
I don't have any stories, Ruth.
♪ Come on, Nick, you can do it ♪
Please?
Nick, she asked for a story.
- Why don't you tell her a story?
- I thought you wanted
- to sleep, Schmidt.
- I don't know how to do that anymore.
I've pushed through.
- My body doesn't know how to sleep.
- All right, fine,
Ruth, you want a story? Here's a story.
There was once a magical bear,
and he, uh...
I don't know,
walked on a magical tightrope
to Seattle.
Have you ever seen a magical bear?
- No.
- Is there a tightrope to Seattle?
Not that I know of, Ruth.
- Ugh, this is garbage.
- Well, what do you want from me?
It's late at night,
you asked for a story...
that's the best that came out.
Weren't you ever little
like me, Uncle Nick?
Of course I was little like you.
Don't you know anything?
I was born on a cold, lonely street
on the South Side of Chicago.
As rumor has it, and there's
no proof of this, obviously,
but I delivered myself.
It was my fifth birthday party,
there was a knock at the door.
My father jumped up, gave us all
a thumbs-up, gave me a wink,
then he jumped out the window,
- bounced up, took off running.
- Oh, wow...
I didn't see him for six months.
My only babysitter at the time
was a rollercoaster
at a local amusement park.
That and a pack of cigarettes.
Being nine in Chicago is different.
The tree fell, hit the power line,
and the power line fell
right on the hobo,
shocking the hobo back to life.
- That was an amazing moment.
- Hey.
I don't know, it made me
question the existence of God.
I believed entirely in fate,
and it was that same fate
that brought me
to the woman I love today.
Uh, Nick, go back.
Uh, what happened to the hobo?
He stood up, he spun around,
he said, "Time to get a job,"
and he walked away.
- Why don't you write it down, Nick?
- About the hobo?
- Yeah.
- Yeah, why not?
Oh, this is good. This is really good.
We did it, Schmidt.
Schmidt?
Oh, my God.
Time to go to bed, my friend.
Yeah, I think the coffee's wearing off.
I have to thank you so much for today.
Uh-huh.
Even though now
I have so much work to do.
Yeah, you're gonna kill it.
It's gonna be great.
I love you.
I do love you.
- Thanks, girl.
- Hey, can I tell you a secret?
- Yeah.
- I'm not gonna brush my teeth tonight.
Ooh, interesting choice.
- Thank you.
- Come on.
You don't want any of this.
Unhand me! I'm not even tired.
- Go to sleep, buddy.
- Yeah, dude,
you haven't blinked
in three hours. Come on.
Cece...
I love you, but... your breath is trash.
It's like a...
it's like a garbage Dumpster.
Thanks for saying that.
We were all thinking it.
- Yeah.
- Shh, shh, shh. Time for sleep.
You get one story.
Take it away, Nick.
I call this one
Timothy and the Chi-Town Hobo.
- ♪ Good night, Schmidt and Cece ♪
- "What are you doing in my box?
♪ It's time for sleep ♪
- ♪ Do, do, do, do, do ♪
- "growled the hobo
- ♪ You haven't slept now ♪
- "to Timothy,
- ♪ For over a week ♪
- "as a muss of hair and a pair
- ♪ Do, do, do, do, do ♪
- "of young, sad, brown eyes...
♪ We hate to leave, but you should be ♪
- ♪ Counting your sheep ♪
- "...peeked slowly
- ♪ Oh, good night, Schmidt ♪
- "out of a...
- ♪ And Cece, good-night ♪
- cardboard box."
Good night!
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com
- Stuck between two thoughts.
- Mm-hmm.
Lifelike. Wow.
- What the...?
- I'm sorry about that.
- Cooper's my social media director.
- Open your mouth.
- You're the boss.
- Nice.
- What magazine is this again?
- Teen BeTween the Lines.
- Ma'am, you're in the shot.
- Ma'am, you're in the shot.
- Oh, I'm... Okay.
- Still in the shot.
- You're in the shot. In the shot.
- So... Oh.
- Really? I guess this is on me.
- Good.
- I could've gone left or right.
- Guys, let's take five.
Or as Pepperwood would always
say, "Keep your knife dry."
- #KeepYourKnife...
- Half that.
- #KeepTheKnifeDry.
- Hashtag.
Oof. I've got to go meet with my editor.
We're gonna talk
about the latest Pepperwood.
Oh, the one you wrote in Europe?
He's gonna love it.
Way more than the last book
he published,
Dede, the Girl with A.D.D.
That wouldn't even keep my attention.
- Ooh-hoo-hoo-hoo. Burn.
- Burn.
You got a lot of edge
this morning, sister.
Damn right I do. I'm a working girl now.
Russell and I are building libraries.
He's got me rolling up my sleeves
to make it happen.
Hi, this is Jessica Day
from the Schiller Fund.
I'm just calling to make sure
this is still the number
for a Mr. Marvin Linklever.
It is? I'll put a check by your name.
When you're done with the "L" s,
this is the first batch of "M" s.
Sounds like a lot of busywork.
You cool with that?
I'm leaning toward no.
I'm listening.
But at least I have time
to have lunch with my girl Cece.
We're celebrating me getting this...
- glamorous new job.
- Oh, hell yeah.
Hey, what's up, guys?
What are you doing here?
Check this out. Look what I found.
Three Men and a Little Box Set.
The lady and the baby.
- I got to watch this.
- Winston.
- Hmm?
- How long have you been here?
Not long, like, three, four, five hours.
- Something like that.
- You don't live here, man.
I'm doing a slow move.
Oh. Mm. Duty calls.
It's Russell. My boss.
Hey, Russell, what's up? What you got?
Oh, big meeting today.
Yeah, I'll, um...
I'll get some parking cones.
- Ma'am, you're in the shot.
- I am?
Yeah, still in the shot. Still. Still.
In the shot, in the shot,
in the shot, in the shot,
- in the shot...
- Hold on, Russell,
I just have to crawl out
of my apartment.
In the shot, in the shot, in the shot,
in the shot, in the shot,
in the shot, in the shot,
in the shot, in the shot,
in the shot, in the...
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com
Cece, I was up all night
trying to put Ruth to sleep.
I'm losing my mind.
I feel like I'm in the third act
of a Darren Aronofsky film.
- Cheers, Daddy!
- Yeah, tell me about it. I'm wiped, too.
I think I put on your underwear
this morning.
If I'm being totally honest,
I wore your underpants once
to a yoga class.
Ruth, do you want to go to sleep?
No way.
If you do, I'll write you
a check for $6,000.
Checks! Checks! Yay, checks!
- That didn't quite go as planned.
- Yay!
You know what, all I actually have to do
is get to this lunch with Jess.
- Which is gonna be really fun.
- Let's play patty-cake.
Sorry to talk about a fun lunch
while you're at home.
No, look, we have a kid now.
One of us should be enjoying our lives.
Yeah, you're right.
We should enjoy our lives.
Go to your adult lunch. Eat, drink,
and come home and tell me
of the world out there.
Remember me to the people.
Cece,
I-I love you.
C-Cece? Hello?
- Play patty-cake.
- I'm trying.
Nick... I don't know where to begin.
I know. Pepperwood's growing up.
He's becoming... transcendent.
Unbearable. What is this fluff?
You've got two chapters
of Pepperwood and Jessica Night
in bed eating croissants.
They chase a feather
down a cobblestone street?
He fell in love, Merle.
And then he was reborn.
And it's sweet when you think
about it like that.
Okay, I've seen this a million
times. Your life has changed,
and now you've lost his voice.
I can't publish this.
What?
What are you saying? Pepperwood's over?
Maybe it's run its course.
Maybe it's time to move on
to something new.
- You have other ideas, right?
- Oh, yeah, a ton of 'em.
- Okay. All right.
- So many.
- Great.
- In my computer drawer at home.
Well, why don't you come in tomorrow,
pitch me your best three,
and we'll see what we got.
No. I want to pitch you my best ten.
I'm gonna pitch you three.
Let's make it three. That seems...
Hey, girl! Hey, girl!
- I love that we are doing this.
- So good to see you!
- Celebrating your new job.
- Two hardworking ladies.
♪ Work hard, play hard,
work hard, play hard ♪
- ♪ Work hard, play h... ♪
- Okay.
Let's sit down. I'm beat.
Ruth was up all night.
Hey, excuse me, young man,
could we get two glasses
- of Chardonnay?
- Chardonnay!
- And a pot of coffee.
- We are doing this.
We are doing it!
So, Ruth is pretty tough,
but even if she's not sleeping,
at least she's not still potty training.
Ooh...!
- What, baby?
- It's happening.
Okay. Here we go. Here we go.
- Occupied!
- Why is Daddy still in the bathroom?
I don't know, honey.
This'll do. This is great.
Okay, and...
That was a close one.
Honestly, I'm just craving
some adult time.
Oh. You're quick with it. I like that.
Yeah. We're here to celebrate you.
So, tell me about the job.
You know, it's great. It's, um,
you know, a big office.
Fueling fires. Making a difference.
Make that money. I love that.
Mm.
Okay.
Mmm. Honestly, I'm
probably gonna quit after lunch.
- What?
- Cool if we call this your treat?
Right. Heroin's in the diaper pail,
baby wipes are in the cabinet.
Oh, man, she's so lucky
to have three dads.
Hey, have you seen this?
- Come on, man.
- These three goofballs just hid heroin
in the baby's diaper disposal.
- What a ride!
- Winston, why are you still here?
- Shh! Shh!
- To have fun.
Why are you here?
Keep it down. Ruth is napping.
In my bed?
You put that kid to sleep in...
Yes, and I changed the sheets.
It's very clear to me what side
of the bed you sleep on.
- Busted.
- Ruth hasn't slept in 24 hours,
so I drove her around in my car.
She told me she had to pee,
so I brought her here.
She nodded off on the toilet.
It was very cute.
Honestly, it reminded me of you.
- That's great...
- I took 70 pictures.
- But that's...
- Hey, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Are you guys seeing this?
I just thought of it just now.
Three Men and a Little Lady.
One, two, three.
We should do this movie with Ruth.
Winston, you cannot do a movie.
What is that goon Guttenberg
painting on the walls?
Words sound weird to me
when I'm this tired.
That ever happen to you?
Like, Gu-Guttenberg.
Gu...
- Gu...
- Gu...
- Enough, guys!
- Gu'enberg.
Merle hated my last draft.
He said Pepperwood is over.
- What?
- I'll kill him.
He wants me to pitch new ideas
by tomorrow.
You can't tell ideas to a dead man.
Winston, stop! Nobody's killing anybody.
- Okay.
- But the truth is,
I do have something new.
And I'd like to pitch it to you guys.
- He's tough.
- Okay.
- He's controversial.
- Ooh-hoo-hoo.
He's pro-choice.
He's Senator Porcupine.
Pass. Pa-Pass in the room.
- Uh, question for the author.
- No, thank you.
Senator Porcupine...
how does he put on a tie?
Good question.
Ow!
- Oh, geez.
- Aah!
Aah!
- Mm. Mm.
- I don't know. With-with his mouth?
That's what I'm saying...
I don't have the answer.
I mean, Pepperwood was all that
I had. Now I've got nothing.
I feel like I'm, like, a wood-maker
who can't make any, um...
- Wood.
- Wood! See, I don't have anything!
I knew it! I got nothing!
I'm awake!
Hey, I think Ruth is awake.
You think, Winston?
Wait, so, you're saying
that you're doing Russell's busywork?
That you, Jessica Day, former principal
of an entire school,
is doing his busywork?
Nah, girl. Nah, hold up. One sec.
How's that wine and coffee
combination treating you?
My heart is beating really fast,
but time is moving really slow,
- so it all kind of evens out.
- Hmm.
Wait, why are you quitting?
He has a couple guys he trusts,
and I just get left out
of all the major decisions.
- Typical.
- Heads up,
you're putting sugar in your wine.
I made a boo-boo.
Let's just...
No, I made a yum-yum.
- You know what the craziest thing is?
- Tell me.
Every Tuesday,
he has these lunch meetings
with a couple of guys from the office,
- and he's never once invited me.
- Babe.
- Yes, babe.
- Every woman has a "Tuesday meeting"
they haven't been invited to.
How many times in your life
have you been excluded
from something important or talked over
or ignored because you're
the only woman in the room?
It was different
when I was running my own company,
but ever since we joined with GKM,
I've had to start dealing
with this male-pattern dumbness.
Ugh.
- What is that?
- It's a breast pump, Ken.
I said I needed time to pump,
and you refused
to change the meeting, so here we are.
Now, for the jeans campaign.
Which one of these guys says,
"I'm having fun in Toronto"?
So, for half an hour,
they had to sit there
and watch me get milked
like a freaking cow.
Oh, yeah, your nipples looked
like pizza bagels in that thing.
Yeah, they do.
You know what?
This is not the first time
- I've been left out of a Tuesday meeting.
- Mm-hmm.
Remember my first job in administration?
The budget's still too high.
You know, I think it might be
the number of field trips
we've been going on?
What about the number of field trips?
Yes, exactly.
- Great idea.
- I literally just said that.
I think we're gonna need
to take it out
of the transportation budget.
Here's a crazy idea.
What if we take it out
of the transportation budget?
Ben, Ben, Ben, Ben,
Ben, Ben, Ben, Ben, Ben!
I've been left out of Tuesday meetings
- as long as I can remember.
- Yes.
Exactly. The system is broke,
and I can't feel my face.
- Is that a good thing?
- I don't know.
Oh, that belongs in the fire.
- Whoa.
- Oh, hey, guys.
What do you got here, buddy?
A little room fire?
That seems safe.
Oh, don't worry, I got this.
Oh, I should've known
that was whiskey. Oh.
Guys, please let me hate myself
and everything that I have created.
That's it. I have to call Merle.
I'm gonna tell him
that I've got nothing.
My career's over.
Pepperwood was all that I had.
I'm done.
- I'm three.
- Everybody knows that, Ruth.
Okay, look, Nick,
you're not gonna call Merle.
Okay, you're gonna go in there tomorrow,
and you're gonna do...
Wake up, Daddy.
You're gonna do an A-plus,
perfect-style job.
Nick, you have a ton of ideas, okay?
A lot of i...
...idea notebooks.
- I don't want to hear this.
- Here we go.
Oh, never mind, that's a maze you drew.
Yeah, you drew a maze...
then couldn't solve it.
You went straight for the wall.
It was a hard maze.
This one is just a list of words
that rhyme with "moon."
But then right away,
it's "bun." "Moon, spoon, loon, bun"?
The heck is this?
There was no other words
that rhymed with "moon."
- "Tune"?
- That's what I'm saying.
I don't have a...
Pepperwood was all that I had.
I've got nothing.
You're Mr. Diarrhea Head.
Please don't say that to me right now.
I'm going through a thing right now,
so please don't say that to me.
I'm asking you,
please don't call me that.
Okay, Mr. Diarrhea Head.
No, you're the Diarrhea Head.
Okay? Schmidt, what would you
like me to do here?
What do you want from me?
What am I supposed to do?
Uh, you used to love fixing my life.
Before... came around.
It's different times.
I got to wipe her butt.
I got to wipe my butt.
I can't wipe your butt, too.
Can I get in on that?
Never mind.
That's it, I'm done. I'm calling Merle,
and I'm telling him
I don't have any ideas.
Ruth, honey, will you please
watch Uncle Nick
while Uncle Winston and I
have a conversation?
Fine. Follow me.
I'll follow you if I want to follow you.
- Let's go.
- Okay. I'm coming.
If anyone's the boss
between us, it's me.
I'm the boss.
You know something, I used to think
that Nick was the Guttenberg,
but it turns out
he may be the little lady.
Winston, I need you to focus here.
We have a spiraling man on our hands.
We just need to remind him
that he has good ideas.
Do we have any other idea notebooks?
Because this is just nonsense.
I read it,
and I don't want to be friends
with him anymore.
Maybe...
it doesn't have to be his writing.
- It could be from anything.
- Hmm.
- Just find something.
- You know what, yes.
Yes. Um...
Okay.
Here we go. "All reactionaries
are paper tigers.
"In appearance the reactionaries
are terrifying,
but, in reality,
they are not so powerful."
- That really grabs you.
- Yeah.
- What is that?
- It's, uh... Mao's Little Red Book.
The Chinese communist manifesto?
Yes.
Read that again.
"All reactionaries are paper tigers..."
You know what I don't get?
When did I start thinking
it was my fault? Is that good?
- Mm-hmm.
- Why am I the one who has to quit?
Yes! That's right. You know what?
Tell me what day it is.
It's... Tuesday.
Tell me where we're going.
To the Tuesday meeting.
The last Tuesday meeting
I won't be invited to.
- Mm-hmm.
- Add this to the agenda, you jagbags.
That's right. I am drunk right now
and very awake!
Daddy got me this dress.
Well, you know, your dad used
to, uh, dress me, too, Ruth.
- Why?
- Uh, because he cared.
- Why?
- I don't really know, but he did.
- Why?
- Before you, I was his baby girl.
Nick.
Look what we just found.
A forgotten masterpiece.
You've got to hear this.
You've still got it.
"All reactionaries are paper tigers.
"In appearance the reactionaries
are terrifying,
"but in reality,
they are not so powerful."
And that? That's just the beginning.
I mean, I don't remember writing it.
It does sound
like something I would write.
Just think about it.
You're always saying stuff like,
"In reality, they are not so powerful."
- In terms of the reactionaries.
- Ha ha!
- I wrote that?
- Check that out, man. That's you.
- That's crazy.
- Let me take a peek at that.
You just need to believe
in yourself, Nick.
You've still got it. It's powerful.
It's v-very... it's-it's powerful stuff.
Well, I think it's pretty clear.
I'm back, boys.
Whoa! Shut up!
I'm an awesome writer.
- Yeah, you are, man.
- You're v... you're v...
- you're very... you're very good.
- You're the best.
If I were a red shoe,
where would I hide?
- I'm going over here. Ah.
- Oh, my God.
What about back here? No.
You got to be crazy.
Turn that down!
Ruth is finally asleep.
Also, what are you doing here?
Did my wife give you a key?
Yeah. For emergencies.
What is the emergency?
If they don't get the little lady
back from England...
- man, they may never see her again.
- Oh, forget it.
If you're gonna watch that,
turn on the closed captioning.
If Ruth wakes up again,
I'm gonna plotz my pants.
- Oh, Schmidt, are you here? Winston!
- Shh! Shh! Shh!
Winston Bishop...
- I'll do it again.
- Shh!
Don't do this. Shh!
Please. Why aren't you writing?
I was writing, but I got
so inspired by the pages
that you found that I drove
straight to Merle's office.
"Revolutionary culture
"is a powerful revolutionary weapon
for the broad masses of the people."
Hey, w-what do you call this again?
- Johnny's Big Day at Work.
- Nice.
I have another title for you.
- Mao's Little Red Book?!
- Shh! Please, voices.
- Mao's Little Red Book?!
- Voices. Voices!
- You lied.
- Shh.
You lied to me.
Don't look at it as a lie.
- All right.
- Look at it as not a lie,
and then... and then you're fine.
And now I'm not just a hack
with bad ideas,
- but I'm a filthy commie!
- Shh. Please!
And you know I'm no commie!
I don't know your personal beliefs.
- You don't know my personal beliefs?
- Enough!
Those are fightin' words.
We didn't think that you were gonna give
those actual pages to your editor.
We were just trying to inspire you.
Also, why do you own that book?
You see a red book, you buy a red book.
- What do you do with blue books?
- Don't buy.
- Yellow books?
- Wait on it.
- That's true.
- Hi, Daddy.
No. Good God, child.
Oh... my... God.
I know what we need to do.
♪ Goodnight, sweetheart,
well, my friends are liars ♪
♪ We were just trying ♪
♪ To help you write... ♪
Guys, you see what we're doing?
We're doing Three Men and a Baby.
- Winston, you cannot do a movie.
- Can't do a movie.
Yes, you can. You can do any
movie except for a documentary,
because those already happened.
Harmony on three.
One, two, three.
♪ Goodnight... ♪
I'm not tired.
- Knock-knock, Russell.
- Who's there?
- Two women.
- Two women who?
- Two women coming in!
- Two women coming in who?
We went over this, Cece...
that's not the line.
That's exactly the kind of input
we've been talking about.
Russell? We need to talk.
Oh, I'm scared of this energy.
Ya best be. Ya best be scared.
Is she drunk?
Yeah. On four glasses of Chardonnay
and two pots of coffee.
And I'm drunk on rage!
Knock-knock, boys.
Open your brain doors.
- Sit down, Cece.
- Okay.
Look, I've let this slide too
much in my life, but no more.
You may not want me in this
meeting, but I belong here.
- Yeah, I-I'm not sure you do.
- Too late, Russell.
- I'm bustin' in.
- ♪ Work hard ♪
- ♪ Play hard, work hard ♪
- Can't keep a good woman down.
- ♪ Play hard, work hard ♪
- Cece, sit.
- Okay.
- You think just 'cause I'm a woman,
I can't bring anything
to the table? Well, try me.
'Cause I'm pullin' up a chair,
- and I'm gettin' in the game.
- Ooh.
Okay. Guys, this is Jessica Day.
Jessica, this is my
divorced father support group.
We meet every Tuesday.
Oh, that's why you're crying.
It makes sense now.
Divorced fathers?
Um, my dad...
my dad is a divorced father.
Your kids are gonna turn out fine.
Sort of. There-there
might be some rough years.
I like your choice of snacks.
Ugh, Russell, I know
you're probably mad at me
for many reasons.
One you might not know about
is that my friend did indeed
get sick in
the receptionist's desk drawer.
- I just wanted to say...
- No, I wanted
to say that this morning
I was ready to quit.
Wait, you're gonna quit?
But I decided not to, because I know
I can really make a difference
for these schools
if you will let me.
I know I was wrong
about the meeting, but you
have to admit, you haven't
given me any real work to do.
- That's true.
- Why is that?
Do you not think of me as an equal?
Because if that's the case,
that needs to change.
No, that's not it at all.
Jess, it's just that you're new here,
and I've got a lot of trust issues.
Probably from my third wife, Jackie.
In fact, we were just discussing
it in the divorced dad...
Wait, I thought your fourth wife
was named Jackie.
I married two women named Jackie.
- Back-to-back?
- Yeah. They were related.
It's complicated.
Look, I got to make this right.
I hired you because I feel like
you're exactly the right person
to get stuff done around here.
So I guess it's time for me to
just let go and let you do that.
You won't regret it.
- All right.
- Also, while we're here talking,
we need some tampons in the bathroom.
Are you asleep?
No.
Well... I give up.
This is my reality.
I'll never sleep again.
Tell me a story, Uncle Nick.
Me? No, no, no.
I don't have any stories, Ruth.
♪ Come on, Nick, you can do it ♪
Please?
Nick, she asked for a story.
- Why don't you tell her a story?
- I thought you wanted
- to sleep, Schmidt.
- I don't know how to do that anymore.
I've pushed through.
- My body doesn't know how to sleep.
- All right, fine,
Ruth, you want a story? Here's a story.
There was once a magical bear,
and he, uh...
I don't know,
walked on a magical tightrope
to Seattle.
Have you ever seen a magical bear?
- No.
- Is there a tightrope to Seattle?
Not that I know of, Ruth.
- Ugh, this is garbage.
- Well, what do you want from me?
It's late at night,
you asked for a story...
that's the best that came out.
Weren't you ever little
like me, Uncle Nick?
Of course I was little like you.
Don't you know anything?
I was born on a cold, lonely street
on the South Side of Chicago.
As rumor has it, and there's
no proof of this, obviously,
but I delivered myself.
It was my fifth birthday party,
there was a knock at the door.
My father jumped up, gave us all
a thumbs-up, gave me a wink,
then he jumped out the window,
- bounced up, took off running.
- Oh, wow...
I didn't see him for six months.
My only babysitter at the time
was a rollercoaster
at a local amusement park.
That and a pack of cigarettes.
Being nine in Chicago is different.
The tree fell, hit the power line,
and the power line fell
right on the hobo,
shocking the hobo back to life.
- That was an amazing moment.
- Hey.
I don't know, it made me
question the existence of God.
I believed entirely in fate,
and it was that same fate
that brought me
to the woman I love today.
Uh, Nick, go back.
Uh, what happened to the hobo?
He stood up, he spun around,
he said, "Time to get a job,"
and he walked away.
- Why don't you write it down, Nick?
- About the hobo?
- Yeah.
- Yeah, why not?
Oh, this is good. This is really good.
We did it, Schmidt.
Schmidt?
Oh, my God.
Time to go to bed, my friend.
Yeah, I think the coffee's wearing off.
I have to thank you so much for today.
Uh-huh.
Even though now
I have so much work to do.
Yeah, you're gonna kill it.
It's gonna be great.
I love you.
I do love you.
- Thanks, girl.
- Hey, can I tell you a secret?
- Yeah.
- I'm not gonna brush my teeth tonight.
Ooh, interesting choice.
- Thank you.
- Come on.
You don't want any of this.
Unhand me! I'm not even tired.
- Go to sleep, buddy.
- Yeah, dude,
you haven't blinked
in three hours. Come on.
Cece...
I love you, but... your breath is trash.
It's like a...
it's like a garbage Dumpster.
Thanks for saying that.
We were all thinking it.
- Yeah.
- Shh, shh, shh. Time for sleep.
You get one story.
Take it away, Nick.
I call this one
Timothy and the Chi-Town Hobo.
- ♪ Good night, Schmidt and Cece ♪
- "What are you doing in my box?
♪ It's time for sleep ♪
- ♪ Do, do, do, do, do ♪
- "growled the hobo
- ♪ You haven't slept now ♪
- "to Timothy,
- ♪ For over a week ♪
- "as a muss of hair and a pair
- ♪ Do, do, do, do, do ♪
- "of young, sad, brown eyes...
♪ We hate to leave, but you should be ♪
- ♪ Counting your sheep ♪
- "...peeked slowly
- ♪ Oh, good night, Schmidt ♪
- "out of a...
- ♪ And Cece, good-night ♪
- cardboard box."
Good night!
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com