New Girl (2011–2018): Season 5, Episode 9 - Heat Wave - full transcript

A record heat wave
is melting Los Angeles,

sparking chaos in stores
across the Southland.

Riot police have been summoned
to several locations...

Oh, damn.

This heat is untenable.

It's like a Jewfro apocalypse in here.

I look like a '70s divorce attorney.

So we don't have A/C.

You guys are going to love this.

I invented something even better.

It's called the Ranch System.



The Ranch System for Cooling.

This is one of my best inventions.

Reagan's going to freak
out when she sees it.

Check it out. We've got
a combination of cool winds,

a-a cool, chilly pond,

you wear white jeans
'cause they don't absorb heat...

that's actually science, I did research.

You know, science aside, man, you working
those jeans. Oh, thanks for saying that, man.

I was insecure
about the way they looked.

You killing it, man.

Hey, guys. How are you doing?

Well, everything here looks normal.

Welcome to The Ranch.

I don't know what that means.



Have a seat.

Why would I do that?

It'll cool you
right off. You'll love it.

Ooh. Is that chair supposed to be wet?

- It is.
- I...

Okay.

And away we... cool!

Check it out!

Feels like somebody is learning

to whistle very close to my face.

That's right, it does.

She said it feels like

someone's whistling close to her face!

I never thought of that.

It's another plus.

No.

No, it's not.

But I have a better idea.

Why don't we all cool off...

with the brand-new air
conditioner that I bought?

- Son of a...
- Yes!

- What?
- What?

- A/C!
- Oh...

- Damn.
- Oh, it was so hot.

- Oh, yeah, this is wet.
- Having A/C.

That's sweat from my bottom.

This is amazing.

Thank you, Reagan.
Finally, we can stop living

like people in a beer commercial

- before the beer shows up.
- How did you pull this off?

It's not a big deal. That whole
riot thing's really overblown.

Get the hell back!

I will be putting the A/C in my
room and everyone is welcome.

No, thank you. We're good.

I speak for all of us.

Okay.

Well, we are observing gym rules,

so make sure you wipe down

anything you plan to sit on.

Whatever.

More breeze for us.

I'm gonna grab some old underpants

and I'll put a pair

in the freezer for each of you.

Trust me, I'm wearing

frozen underwear right now,

and I feel amazing.

So, I'm in good shape.

- Cece?
- Mmm.

I think maybe you should go...
go hang out by the A/C.

Cece's got a big audition today
to be a reporter.

She's been taking broadcasting classes.

Any way you slice it,

that cafeteria pizza is a great deal.

You know, in fact,

I'm getting a little hungry myself.

How about you, Carl?

I thought the next thing

I was supposed to talk about

was the rain.

It is, Carl.

I was just having a little banter.

Oh.

Um...

I... uh, I had a sandwich

so... I'm full.

The audition's just for

gas station TV, okay?

Nobody watches it.

Don't you dare downplay it.

I adore gas station television,

I mean, myself, personally.

It is the intersection
between information

and also gas.

That's right. Cece, today it's gas,

tomorrow, it's local news...

the next thing you know,
you're reporting

diabetes statistics

as we all watch B-roll

of fat people walking across the street.

I just, I don't...

I-I don't think
I'm gonna go to the audition.

'Cause it's...

it's just so hot.

You know?

Okay.

Um...

Yeah, I mean, that's-that's cool.

Just... Look, I love you no matter what.

Go cool off.

- All right.
- All right.

Can I talk to you for a second?

What the hell was all that coddling?

- Whoa.
- What are you, a big-bosomed grandma?

Tough love! Make her go!

Don't tell me what to do!

I'm her fiancé,

not some schnook off the street

eating a peanut butter cookie.

It's my job to give her
love and support.

That's how I get her
to go to the audition.

As a cop, do you think I would
get anyone to do anything

if I were being kind and supportive?

Hell no!

Look, I have recently found my cop voice

and I'll tell you this:
it is very effective.

Is that what you've been
practicing in the bathroom?

Everybody stop!

Make a left turn!

You have the
right to remain silent! You...

Freeze! Nah.

Three hundred

and three thousand
thelonious thistles...

♪ Handcuffs, handcuffs, handcuffs ♪

♪ Handcuffs, handcuffs,
handcuffs, handcuffs. ♪

Freeze! Ooh, ooh.

Down on the ground,

fugitive of the law.

♪ Handcuffs, handcuffs,
handcuffs, handcuffs ♪

♪ Handcuffs, handcuffs.

Those were just my warmups.

My point is this, man.

You can't hug and kiss Cece
into doing anything.

Your mind would melt if you knew

what I've hugged
and kissed Cece into doing.

Stay out of it, Winston.

My guys.

Hey, who needs Reagan's A/C, right?

Here.

Put some of my old underwear
on your face. It feels great.

Oh, Nick...

you're gonna make a great dad.

I'll see you later.

Okay.

Hey! Who needs him, huh?

Yeah. We got each other.

- Yeah.
- We've been through worse.

- Chicago!
- Chicago!

City of soup, you know?

Yes, sir.

So I'm gonna go take a shower.

I'll be back in a hot minute.

Or, as we say on a day like today...

- ...a minute.
- That's great, man.

That's chill, that's chill.

That's great. Thanks for
taking my back today.

- I'll see you in a sec.
- All right, all right.

- You and me, all day. You and me.
- Uh-huh. Yeah, yeah.

Look who it is! What happened?

The A/C fall over
and squish Winston's cat?

Oh, my God, please don't tell me
that happened. I would die.

I just came out here to tell you

that it's actually really nice in there.

It's really nice right here,

with my underpants on my face.

I think maybe you should stop pouting

because I didn't like whatever this is.

Wait, what?

Why would I care if you,
specifically, didn't like it?

Nick.

Reagan.

Nick, come on.

You want to go there?

I want to go where?

What are you talking about?

You wanted to impress me

because you have a crush on me.

It's nice to get a good laugh
in this heat.

I need a laugh.

It's too hot not to laugh.

Lord knows it!

You do.

I don't have a crush on you.

You're very conceited.

And I don't mean to burst
your bubble here, missy,

but I am not out here

because of my "so-called crush on you,

"based on my actions

that led you to believe
I have a crush on you."

I am out here

because I have never been

more comfortable in my entire life.

Okay, you know what? Just go get!

Winston and I don't need you, sister.

Oh, you mean
Winston, like, this Winston?

What do you mean, like this...

Oh, Winston.

I'm really sorry.

It's fine, it's fine. Who needs you?

'Cause the hottest part
of the day is already over.

It's 9:30 in the morning.

Then tell me this:

why did I just eat lunch?

Why did I just eat lunch?

Oh, damn. Good
Samaritan just collapsed.

Oh!

And UPS guy to the rescue!

And the
UPS guy just collapsed.

Ah, lady stealing packages...

Ah...

Oh! And the
lady just collapsed.

Whoo. You know, I'm actually
kind of getting chilly in here.

Look, guys.

I got this box of Jess's
weird old ski clothes.

- Oh!
- Ooh...

Hello, 1989.

Check me out,

I'm Picabo Street.

You know who that is, right?

I don't know who that is.

Real après-ski vibe.

I feel like I'm in Gstaad.

Gstaad's all about après-ski.

Well, it's nice in the summer, too.

Oh, have you been?

Have you?

Have you?

Have you been, is the real question.

Have-have you been to Gstaad?

Wh... I...
- What does it matter? Just tell the truth.

Have you been there?
Have you been there?

- I'm sorry, have you?
- No, I haven't been there.

- Well...
- Should I be ashamed of that,

or can we all just tell the truth

about whether we've been to... "Shtaad."

Please. It's "Gstaad."

- Shaad.
- Shtaad.

No one in this room has been to Gstaad.

Yeah, one more fan.

Just a little closer.

Okay, that'll do it.

You guys are suckers in
there! This is great!

Should we be worried about him?

Worried about Nick? Oh, no,
this is just what he does.

Okay, but being exposed
to the heat for that long

is actually super-dangerous,

so... maybe I should go reason with him.

"Reason."

Please excuse our immediate
but correct response.

Oh, hey, hey.

Please just come into my
room? It's right there.

It's not even hot in reality.

You're obviously suffering
from heat exhaustion.

It's like a crisp Vermont November.

Apple cider, football weather.

Don't jump in a pile of leaves.

There might
be a dead dog in there.

You're slurring your speech.

Soon you're gonna get dizzy,
you're gonna get cramps.

Why do you care so much, Reagan?

Because you look like a
dying man on a hospital show.

Oh, I know why.

Because you have
a crush on me.

- No.
- Yeah.

That's... that...

I... You're... you're a human being

and I'm worried about...
You have a crush on me.

No. That's why you're
always thinking about me...

That has nothing to do with that.

...giving me my medicals,

checking on me, giving me my medicals...

You said that twice.
You are hallucinating.

No, Reagan, I'm "ha-truth-inating."

Okay, you know what, I'm
gonna have to smoke you out.

Ooh-hoo! Smoke me out?

Turn 'em all on, great.

I love it hot.

Great, turn 'em up.

I got the sticks if you got the melons.

Marsh-melons.

Marshmallows.

Sorry.

Hey, Deborah.

- Hey, Cece, now that... now that we're...
- What?

Now that we're in the cool,
have you rethought the audition?

Maybe you'll go now?

I mean, either way I love you, I just...

- Um, no.
- No, okay.

- Mm-mm.
- Okay, I still love you though.

You leave me with no choice.

What are you doing?

Ma'am! I'm gonna ask that you please

- remove your headphones now!
- What?

Do you know why I asked you
to remove your headphones?

Why are you talking so loud?

Do you have a cranberry
stuck in your ear again?

- Winston found his cop voice.
- Oh...

Ma'am! Why are you avoiding an audition

when you know damn well
it's important to you?

Don't do this. Get back in
your vehicle, immediately!

Ma'am, please answer the question.

Why are you avoiding an audition?

And do not say that you are not,
because I know that you are,

so tell me why!

Why?! Why?!

Why?!

Now, damn it, speak!

What if I'm not good enough?

It's my dream job,

and what if I can't do it, okay?

What?

Cece, you're the most talented...

Sir, stand down!

Winston, you stand down.

Go play softball against
the fire department

- or whatever it is you do.
- That's not till Wednesday.

- Honey, I was terrified.
- Don't worry... don't...

My hands are shaking. Block that out.

- I'm freaking out. Yeah.
- Block that out.

Okay, let's plan a trip.

Something to look forward to.

Yeah, that'd be great.

Mother freckles.

Winston's wild.

God, that was so scary.

It was so terrible.

It's okay.

Can you just admit
that it's hot in here?

There's no way that you
are not hot. I'm hot.

Why are you so worried
about old Nicky pots and pans?

I don't have a crush on you.

You have a crush on me, it's obvious.

Why would I have a crush on you?

You are the most stubborn,
annoying, frustrating person

I have ever met in my entire life.

Why don't you tell that
to the judge in your pants?

Verdict's in. You're guilty.

Where are you going?!

I'm shutting down your ranch.

Leave my ranch out of it!

Well, then I'm gonna do this, you idiot.

Whoa.

No, don't.

- Leave it alone.
- Stop.

No, you don't...

- What is going on?!
- Damn! Damn!

Reagan, please, let...

- Look, she's the one...
- Wh... No, you're the one.

Now, get down to the
basement and fix our power.

But the basement?
There are so many rats.

She'll probably try to make out with me.

Please, I would rather
make out with a rat.

Gross. Did you hear what she just said?

Stop! Go to the basement

- and stay there until the power is fixed!
- Yes, sir.

Now, I have accidentally
pressed all of the buttons,

but you will stay on the elevator

until you get to the basement!

And when you get to
that basement... Aw, damn...

How is it even hotter down here

Because the heat stays low, you dummy.

It's bad enough that we're down here,

I can't explain science to you.

I hope that the Chicago Cubs

win the World Series
while you're in a coma.

That's one of the meanest things
anybody has ever said to me.

We are visitors, let's act like it.

Hello, rats?

Hello?!

I come to hurt ya.

Okay, for those who
have not been scared off,

I actually come in peace.

My name is Nick.

- I've been down here a lot.
- Hello, Nicholas.

I'm Jeremiah.

- Sorry.
- Why would you...?

- It's funny.
- Very clever.

You got really scared.

I'm not so scared,

but don't ever do that again.

It's also a very good rat voice.

Thank you But it is a terrible rat name.

Jeremiah? That would never
be the name of a rat.

It's name is, like, Sushi.

Or "Ma-cushi."

Now, follow me.

I want to leave one set of footprints.

That is a perfect plan,
but I'm not going to do that.

Oh, hello, old friend.

Funny seeing you here.

Tick-tock.

Almost audition time.

- Hey, Cece.
- Huh?

You know that thing you said before

about you not being talented enough?

You didn't mean that, right?

Yeah, I did.

Newscasters are amazing.

But so are you.

Come on, Schmidt, okay?

I'm a bartender and a model.

Ma'am, I'm gonna
need you to step out of the vehicle.

- Yes, do it, baby.
- "Vehicle"? What vehicle?

The metaphorical vehicle
that is holding you back.

- Oh.
- Don't explain yourself. Just go with it.

You are a brilliant, amazing woman,

- who is capable of anything.
- Okay, maybe drop the Southern accent.

What, you
got mozzarell in your ears?

You're, uh, get out
of your own way, lady, huh?

Uh, tr-try, Law & Order... uh, Hargitay.

I've got a past and it affects my job.

And my relationships...
I can't really do a Mariska.

What is happening here?

Cece, I know the audition
is scary for you.

I would not be doing my job
as the man who loves you

if I let you walk away from this.

Don't blow it, Cece!

You are not walking away
from this opportunity!

- Okay...
- I'm gonna need less talking out of you

and more action, damn it!

Wow.

Wait, no, Cece, I'm sorry.

Did I take it too far?

I took it too far, didn't I? Oh, God.

It's fine.

I have been down this road many a-times.

She's gonna come walking
back through that door

in three, two...

Look, Schmidt, not for nothing,

man, you got so many good
characters inside of you.

Oh, my gosh.

- Did you already bind the 120s?
- Yeah, this should do it.

Do what?
Cook you like barbecue chicken?

- I traced it back. It's fine.
- I wouldn't do that if I were you.

- It's not safe.
- Can you admit that I might actually

be right about something for once?

- It's your own funeral; you win.
- Great.

- Don't do it!
- Nick!

Fine, let's just say you are right.

Then at least let me do it, okay?

You don't have to do that.

I want to do it.

I mean, I don't, like, want
to do it, obviously, but...

What if I'm wrong?

If you think this is right,
it's probably right.

You've been, you've been right
about a lot of stuff today.

Like what? What else was I right about?

Just a lot of stuff. I don't
want to talk about what

you were actually right about
at this moment. Okay, ready?

- Uh...
- If I get burned up

and die this way, it would be

such an embarrassing way to go.

But what would be nice about it is

that I would technically
have been right.

Here we go.

Heroes don't wear capes.

No, no, no...

Those sons of bitches did it.

Hey, great!

Really good.

That was really great.

What are you looking at?

Huge... rat.

No! No! No!

This is my nightmare!

It's time.

How did I...?

Did you carry me out like a firefighter?

No, you woke up right away.

And then you were like,
"Ooh, I need some fresh air."

So we came outside,
I bought you a muffin

and then you passed out again.

Oh, yeah, I remember that muffin.

I feel like you had a pretty bad shock,

so let's ask a few questions.

What day of the week is it?

That's not something I typically know.

I would guess Monday.

Okay.

Blackout.

ATM's are down.

Cash is king

and batteries is queen.

What? Stop being so whimsical, Winston.

Cece still hasn't called me back.

I think I pushed her too far.

No, Schmidt,
you did the right thing, man.

Look, people get mad at police officers

because we tell them
what they don't want to hear.

Yet, everyone loves

police officer...

Hey, it's a blackout,

not the Rapture!

You yield!

All right!

Hey, hey, hey, sir, sir!

Keep it moving! Keep it moving!
Keep it moving!

Come on, right this way, ma'am.

Right this way, ma'am.
Right this way, ma'am.

Right that way, ma'am. Sir, go, go, go!

We ain't got all day!

Sir!

Cece.

- Right this way, ma'am. Right that way, ma'am.

Thank God you're here.

Look... I'm-I'm sorry.

Yeah, well, you should be.
You really pissed me off.

I wrote something rude on your car.

It was that stupid cop voice.

I shouldn't have pushed you that hard.

No, you should've.

'Cause you were right.

I was chickening out.

- So I went.
- You did?

- Mm-hmm.
- Well, that's amazing. How did it go?

- Real bad. Yeah.
- It went real bad?

Okay, well, you know what?
about it, baby, I'm sure...

No, no, no, no. They just didn't...

It was, it was legitimately terrible

but not because I'm not talented.

I went to the bar first

so I was wasted and wearing shorts,

which I won't do next time.

Thank you for pushing me.

We need to do that
kind of thing for each other.

Yes, please.

I agree, unless,

of course, it's about me using
face wash all over my body.

- Ah, this again, really?
- I don't care that it's expensive.

- I know that you don't care.
- I'm just gonna keep on doing it.

Oh, ice cream truck! Oh!

Right this way!

Here we go, sir. Here we go, sir.

Here we go, sir. All right, stop!

Ice cream, man, open up.

Where the ice cream at?

Can I buy you some ice cream?

First, uh, I just want
to revisit that little moment

in the basement where you were like,

"Hey, Reagan, you've been right
about a lot of stuff today."

Really?

- I just want you to
specifically tell me what

You are out of control.
I've been right about.

You're a grown man.
I just think you should be

- able to say it.
- You dick.

I have a crush on you.

Hmm.

There it is.

I have a crush on you.

Isn't that better?

Now we can just put it behind us,

move on, don't have to be weird.

No, I, obviously, I-I know it's
not gonna be a problem, Reagan.

I don't have any illusion

that you're gonna go for a guy like me.

I am a total mess. I understand that.

I mean, you're-you're beautiful,

and-and you're smart,

and you're-you're mean,

but in a hot way.

And-and you have the-the
mind of a electrician,

which is so confusingly hot,
because that is not, like,

a sexy...

♪ We could both be stars ♪

♪ Yeah, who knows? ♪

♪ We could fall apart ♪

♪ Yeah, who knows? ♪

♪ Who knows? ♪

♪ All the things that we wanna be ♪

Excuse me, is your name Stephanie?

I'm supposed to be
meeting somebody here.

It's Nick.

So, no Stephanie.

Hey, yo, Nick, you coming, man?

♪ All that we do is, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh ♪

Great.

♪ Follow the world as it goes... ♪

What is this, a frozen banana, Winston?

Okay.

While you're gassing up,

let's look at the stock merkins.

Marts... Nope!

Is this... is this here?

Or is it more here? Your frame?

Because I don't want to just be like,

you know, a head that's like...

Scientists have discovered

a new kind of butter.

Fly in the Amazon.

What the crap does that mean?

I'm so sorry. Sorry, sorry, sorry.

You don't...

Is this...? I don't know
who I borrowed this from.