New Girl (2011–2018): Season 5, Episode 10 - Goosebumps Walkaway - full transcript
Jess returns from jury duty and attempts to uncover the real identity of a juror sequestered with her. Meanwhile, Reagan prepares to move out of the loft and out of Nick's life, and Winston and Cece help Schmidt get over his fear of public dancing.
So your flight
leaves tomorrow, so...
Yes, if we're ever gonna have
sex, we gotta do it right now.
Now, what-what
I was actually gonna say
is do you want to print your
boarding pass at the airport
and use their ink
instead of ours,
but I like that
yours ended with sex.
I said sex,
but I meant meaningless sex.
Oh, I heard that.
That's what I heard.
I heard meaningless sex.
I'm gonna be in my room.
Yeah, I'm right behind you.
Time-wise.
I'm not pitching positions.
Okay, great.
Holy...
JESS: Hi!
Oh, my God!
I am so sorry.
Nobody was here when I got home,
and the bed just
looked so good, I went
full Goldilocks,
and you must be Reagan!
It's so good to meet you.
I put on my special
underwear, because...
Nick!
Jess is back!
And I made a promise
to myself when you left
I'd be wearing these
when you came back!
And I'm doing it.
Oh, my God! Thank you!
I'm doing it. I'm doing it.
All right, great,
I'm gonna get out of here.
No, stay.
Nah! Nah!
♪ ♪
JESS: The LA County Courthouse
gift shop is straight up bull.
Can you believe I had
to have these shirts made?
Yeah, I can believe that.
Where's Reagan? Probably putting
on her shirt still.
Yeah, Reagan's not exactly
the matching T type.
I-I feel like the moment
has passed, don't you?
Yeah, I feel like it's so passed.
Mm-hmm. Yeah.
That's the thing
about moments, though.
They come and they go.
They're fleeting.
That's a moment.
This is a moment.
Which makes me believe
that although
that one passed, maybe it...
It's also just, um,
I'm leaving tomorrow.
Yeah. So we don't want
to make it complicated.
I mean, right now
we're just roommates
that made out a couple of times.
Well, I'm glad
we talked this out.
Now your last day here
won't be weird.
Nothing about this conversation
makes me believe that
that is true.
(snaps)
Yeah.
(sighs, scoffs)
(snaps)
Glad it's not gonna be weird.
Winston's weekly letters.
90% redacted,
but still full of news.
"I'll leave you with my thoughts
on the trial."
Big black line, big black line.
They redacted that stuff?
Big black line.
"LOL." Big black line.
"Gotta go, or I'll be late
for my first dance class."
You know, actually the dance
class has become
more of a dance gathering.
You know what, maybe Schmidt
and I will join you,
because the wedding
is almost here,
and we have to work
on our first dance.
Come. I mean,
you know, two more referrals
and I get to have
my birthday party there.
JESS: Hey, Reagan.
Hello.
How was jury duty?
Jury duty was quite simply
the tops.
Did I have a knack for it?
I suppose.
Was I elected foreman?
Unanimously.
Am I going on the news tomorrow
to explain the verdict
to laymen non-jurors? (chuckles)
You know I am.
(chuckles) Nice! And yet,
I nearly threw it all away
for love.
His name was Juror 237B,
and we made the courthouse
our hothouse.
Blood splatters, mucous seeps.
JESS: But nothing
could happen between us,
because,
as every American knows,
personal contact
through the exchange
of personal information
between members
of a sequestered jury
is strictly forbidden.
But I promised myself,
once the trial had ended,
I would find him.
Extra! Extra!
"I'm gonna find that juror,"
vows Jessica Day!
Page two:
It's war in the Pacific!
What?!
NICK:
Schmidt...
I... Schmidt!
I need your help.
This is Reagan's last day.
I know it is, and you know what?
Whatever embarrassments
or failures
the rest of your life may hold,
no one can ever take away
what you've accomplished
this week.
A goddess walked among us,
and you went
to first base with her.
Several times.
And I actually did
a really good job kissing her.
But now I'm making it weird.
No.
Yeah, every time
I open my mouth,
I'm tarnishing my legacy
a little bit.
But I have a plan.
I'm gonna shut up.
Love it.
I'm not finished yet.
There's more to my plan.
Do you need more?
Yes, I need more.
What more could there be?
Just shut up.
I'm going to shut up
until we say good-bye.
And then...
I'm gonna hit her
with a Goosebumps Walkaway.
I don't know who he is.
Is he an old-fashioned
baseball player?
Goosebumps Walkaway is the line
that they guy says to the girl
in the movie
that gives her goosebumps
and then
he walks away forever.
It's that line that...
That haunts her.
That consumes her.
That rings in her ear
for all of eternity,
granting you...
BOTH (whispering):
Immortality.
You're damn right.
Immortality.
Come here. I want to say
good-bye to you.
But it's not true.
So-so bad-bye, Reagan.
Bad... bye.
Okay, that was terrible.
Now, go write 20 more.
Learn them, inhabit them,
practice them,
and then throw those away.
Then write another 20 and submit
them to me for my approval.
Can bad-bye be one of them?
No.
So 40 new ones.
Yeah.
That's too... that's excessive.
REAGAN: So, what is your plan
for finding this guy?
I'm typing words I know
about him into a computer.
(typing)
Handsome
plus Los Angeles plus 237B...
(sighs) ...is a dead end.
Not if you're looking
for Japanese adult film star,
Handsome Los Angeles.
Born in February of 1937?
Handsome,
tell me your secrets.
Looks like you are
figuring that out.
So I'm gonna go anywhere else.
(knocking on door)
Hey, Jess.
Hi.
Hey, Reagan.
Wow, you were in here.
I was, yeah.
Anybody else back there?
(forced laughter)
If there was, I'd be terrified.
It's a small space.
So you and Jess
are just talking.
I can only imagine what you guys
are talking about.
Well... I can't stand
it for another second.
I have to address the 800-pound
gorilla that's in this room.
It's elephant in the room.
800-pound gorilla
is a different thing.
Okay, I guess I have to address
the 800-pound elephant
that's in the middle
of the room.
It's just elephant.
The 800 pounds,
that goes
with the gorilla thing.
800 pounds is not
a very big elephant.
Jess! Reagan and I
were romantic together.
Ooh.
I didn't know that.
Which means I've been romantic
with both of you.
Cool.
And it's not just
because you have brown hair
and you've shared this room.
But because you're great,
top-shelf ladies.
And I had the opportunity, and
so I reached in the cookie jar,
and I grabbed a chocolate chip
and an oatmeal.
And I'm not saying who's who.
(sighs)
I've gotten off-track.
Your worlds must be turned
absolutely upside down.
This must be devastating,
as it is to me.
We're all feeling emotions we
couldn't even begin to discuss.
A lot of us are having
bad anxiety,
and our legs are feeling
weird and tingly.
I think we're fine with it.
I think it's great.
I'm really glad I came in here
and, uh, talked about this.
I feel like we've gotten
a lot of... Great.
Mm-hmm.
Well...
Winston! (chuckles)
I didn't hear Winston.
He just screamed my name.
He needs help.
All right,
I'm coming to save you.
That's the most embarrassed
I've ever been
for anyone not doing improv.
He's being so weird.
I gotta get out of here
for the day.
Well, how would you like
to drive around Los Angeles
and look for a juror?
♪ Thank you for being Reagan ♪
♪ Travel to the car ♪
♪ And find a juror ♪
♪ Your heart is true, but you're
not walking fast enough. ♪
You and Nick,
tell me everything.
The power went out.
We went into the basement.
There were rats,
he passed out, we kissed.
(squealing softly):
Oh, my God.
And you like him.
No. No, I don't.
We just hooked up a few times.
Let's focus on you.
Here's a courtroom sketch.
Yep, there he is, 237B.
God, he can dress.
But we're gonna
need more than that.
We need something distinctive,
so did he have like a...
he walked with a limp
or he had a hook hand
or a neck tattoo--
anything?
No. (chuckles)
He was perfect.
We all were.
Except for the guy
sitting next to him,
9C-- ugh.
REAGAN:
What was wrong with him?
He never got why Bunt v. Che
was a relevant precedent.
Also he wheezed... a lot.
Like the door
of a haunted house.
He has asthma.
We can find that guy
and see if he knows anything.
I used to peddle inhalers.
What color was his?
Oh, uh... red.
Like the door
of a haunted house!
Sorry. (laughs)
The only group excursion
we took was
to a haunted house.
By the way,
if you like haunted houses
but hate lines,
January's a great time to go--
Dr. Foley?
Reagan Lucas.
I was just calling to
ask you if you were still
handing out samples
of Ciliabreez?
Six months
after the recall?
Oh, dang.
Jim?
Nothing more bad-ass
than calling a doctor
by his first name.
(shushing)
Sorry.
All I need from you is
the name of a patient.
(Digital Underground's
"The Humpty Dance" playing)
SCHMIDT:
What is this, Winston?
Who are all these
unusual people?
Where's the instructor?
It is a gathering,
not a class.
I've told you that before.
Listen, it's fun.
That's not dancing.
These people aren't dancing.
Dancing is about precision
and domination and sweat.
Check out my ass.
Check out my ass!
My butt is alive!
(whoops)
(dancers clamoring)
SCHMIDT: We're not gonna learn
our first dance here.
I'm gonna call my Beijing
Opening Ceremonies contact.
He's fantastic.
No, no, no.
Look, I always imagined
that our first dance
would just be you and me
having the time of our lives.
Very choreographed time
of our lives. No.
Having fun-- that's how I want
to start our lives together.
Can you please just try?
Please?
Yeah, I'll-I'll-I'll try.
Just listen to the music.
Let it build.
Let it build.
Got to let it wash over you--
Oh, there's the wave!
Let it wash over me
on the three count?
Yes!
I think so.
It's happening.
It's happening.
Well, just teach me the steps
and I'd be happy to join in.
There are no steps.
What dance are you guys doing?
Because it is not Humpty's!
♪ This is my dance, y'all,
Humpty Hump's my name... ♪
This is his dance, y'all!
And Humpty Hump is his name!
During Cece's first wedding,
Nick and I went into a duct
to catch a badger
that Winston had released.
Naturally.
It was crazy!
It was chaotic!
It was largely Nick's fault.
But then I realized
he's the only person
I'd ever go into a duct with.
Nick kind of
sneaks up on you.
You think he's one thing...
and then...
Yeah, Nick is great.
But I'm leaving and
we're both cool about that so--
Oh, right, you're both
totally cool about it.
I get Goosebumps Walka--
Okay, okay, just think-- okay.
Oh, wait, Reagan, before you go!
"Wherever the fridge
of life takes you..."
You came in, I liked you,
then you left!
What, what is that...?!
Stop thinking...
that this is good-bye.
And start knowing it as...
bye...
bye.
Pretend I didn't do the "byes."
REAGAN: So, Dr. Foley says our
guy spends all of his time here.
With all this grass,
no wonder his asthma is bad.
JESS:
Oh, hey!
There he is!
Hey, 9C!
Oh, no.
No, no, no, no, no!
You do not run my life anymore.
Good-bye!
Is that adult man
afraid of you?
I take a bathroom break
when I want to!
I cracked skulls as foreman.
Whoa, whoa.
JESS:
"Men only"?!
It's 2016!
Clearly, I make the rules.
That's why my office is a hut.
Fine, we'll get a man.
So, Winston didn't answer.
Schmidt said, "They're
desecrating the Time Warp.
Desecrating it!"
And he hung up.
But I got a hold of Nick.
He said that he's super busy,
which means he's
naked and doodling.
But he said he'd make time
for us, which is good.
Wait, sorry, so Nick is coming?
Yeah.
No, just call him and
tell him not to come.
I thought you were cool.
I am cool.
You don't really seem cool.
It's just that when I see
him, it's a, it's weird,
Mm-hmm.
'cause I'm, I'm leaving
and it's, it's complicated.
I do-- I just, I don't
really know how to... Right.
God, I'm crazy about him!
Yes! I knew it!
I knew it.
Okay, yes.
That's enough.
You're right.
You know what happens now.
I don't want to hug you.
You know what happens now!
I'm not hugging you.
Yeah, you are.
I'm not hugging you.
You know the juror's name?
I think it was 237B.
What's that guy's name, yeah?
Oh, yeah, no.
I really, really can't.
It's like... Nah...
I like that guy, really?
What's the name of the juror?
No!
Calls hand sanitizer
"ham sanitizer."
Tell me the name and
I'll give you the hat!
Quit it! Quit it!
He calls DNA "D and A."
You want grass stain
on this white hat?!
Please no.
But he kisses you like
a coal miner
greeting his wife.
After a day
in the caves.
Did they go into caves?
237B is Gary Garcia!
Gary?
I'm not jumping this! Let's go!
You get back here!
Gary Garcia!
SCHMIDT:
Look at her out there.
Treating the laws of music
as mere suggestions of music.
Must be frightening
to love a daredevil.
What happened to you?
Growing up a husky boy,
I learned that I had
no margin for error.
(Van McCoy's
"The Hustle" playing)
Hey, fatty,
it's called "The Hustle."
(laughter)
SCHMIDT: The slightest
mistake meant ridicule,
so I had to learn
to do everything perfectly.
I learned to dance
a dance the way
that it was meant to be danced.
And until I learned to dance
that dance perfectly,
I would never dance that dance.
(shouts)
And then exactly
364 days later...
♪ Do The Hustle! ♪
♪ Do the Hustle... ♪
BOY: Sock it, man!
(audience clamoring)
GIRL: Go!
(cheering)
BOY: Whoa!
No complaints here, fatty.
No complaints.
Let me ask you a question
about this mean kid
at the talent show--
was he a child emperor?
No, he was as poor
and trashy as they come.
So he had no power
over you then or now.
Schmidt,
you got to stop letting childish
ridicule dictate your actions.
Oh, yeah, well, your-your smelly
butt looks dumb in those pants.
(cell phone rings)
Hello?
Winston, I need you
to run a name
through the system.
That's a real thing, right?
MALE OFFICER: Yeah, nice vest!
(whistling)
Hey, look, Bishop altered
his uniform again.
(laughter)
Poor guy.
It's a bloodbath.
He'll live. Come here,
come here, come here.
Come here!
So, here's my plan.
I knock on Reagan's door
and the moment
before she says good-bye,
I give her the Goosebumps
Walkaway of your choosing,
and then I walk away.
What direction? What direction?
Do I, uh--?
Do you go left,
right or backwards?
Left, le... uh, left!
Nick.
Uh, right, right.
Backwards.
Left is a great choice.
'Cause that's
what I started with.
Left is a great choice.
Thank you, man.
That's, that was
my instinct, left.
And I would read that one.
That's 'cause this
is a perfect one.
When are you gonna tell him
how you feel?
Never.
I'm still leaving.
What would be the point
of telling him how I feel
when nothing can
possibly come from it?
WINSTON:
So...
there are 28 guys
named Gary Garcia.
Great, I can do that. That's not bad.
Really?
On that piece
of paper.
931 in the system;
still printing.
Are you sure
that Gary didn't have
something distinctive
about him?
Just a smile big and wide,
like the door
of a haunted house.
Boy, was I wrong.
Gary Garcia.
In my mind,
he was Lawrence from Torrance.
In your wildest fantasies,
he lives in Torrance?
Lawrence from Torrance,
not Lawrence of Torrance.
He was born
in Torrance,
but now he lives in Brentwood.
Lawrence of Brentwood.
Kind of sounds like the sponsor
at the end of a game show.
Yeah.
"Pat Sajak's wardrobe
furnished by
Lawrence of Brentwood."
Yeah.
(giggles)
This is why you should
tell Nick how you feel.
Even if nothing
comes of it.
So you won't end up like me.
I never told Gary how I feel,
and now I never can.
You can, and you should.
Don't let Miller
become your Garcia.
Hi, Nick.
I want to say something to you
before we say good-bye.
Shh...
Ew.
Sayonara, Sammy.
Sayonara.
What?
That's the shower.
(whispering):
I know it is.
Hello and good morning.
Hello and good morning.
You okay?
It's not so bad
if I don't think
about the trial.
Trial, trial, trial, trial...
♪ ♪
Hello and good morning!
Today, more on that trial
that's been captivating
Los Angeles.
Joining us is
the trial's foreman.
Thank you for being here, ma'am.
(distorted voice): Thank you for
having me, Alan; I'm a big fan.
ALAN:
Also with us, via satellite,
is another member of the jury.
No way it's him!
WINSTON: Whoa...
What are the odds?
Well, exactly
one in 11, Nick.
Juror...
(distorted voice): Please,
please, oh, my God, please.
...237B.
(distorted shriek) Oh! Oh! Oh!
ALAN: Welcome, sir. (distorted voice):
It's good to be with you, Alan.
Let's start...
Gary! Gary, it's me!
Gary!
Madam Foreman?
Is that you?
Yes! I'm Jess
and I like you!
I'm Gary
and I like you, too.
(laughing)
There it is!
(chuckling)
Man, they sound like
Cookie Monster's parents.
How do I get
in touch with you?
It's gargar...
It's G-A-R-G-A-R,
like Gary with no "Y"s,
twice, no spaces. Someone
get me a freakin' pen!
Oh, my God.
Wait! Did you say Brentwood?
Gary of Brentwood.
Gary of Brentwood.
Gary of Brentwood.
Gary of Brentwood.
"J" as in Jack,
"D" as in dog...
Should she be giving out
her personal information
on TV? I mean...
JESS:
...at...
...verdicts get appealed.
And killers go free.
Eh, hard to be
killed over e-mail.
...and I live at
310 Traction Avenue,
apartment 4D.
Easy to be killed in your home.
You know where to find me!
I need to see you now!
Okay, I know exactly
where to go.
Stay tuned
for your eight-day forecast
with Crispin Saint Chang.
Jess did it right.
She said something real.
And I said "Sayonara, Sammy."
Who the hell is Sammy?
All right, man.
I'm gonna take off.
I gotta head to the station
before my dance gathering.
You can't go to the station like
that. They'll make fun of you.
When are you gonna stop worrying
about what people say?
When I look into
my suggestion box,
it is full.
(laughs)
People have a lot to say
about the way I live my life.
But there is only
one comment card
that I pay attention to.
And you know
what that card says?
It says, "Great job.
Keep it up."
And you know
who filled out that card?
Me.
You know how I know?
Because I recognize my
motherfreakin' handwriting.
Now that's
a Goosebumps Walkaway.
I can do this.
Right?
Yes, I can do this.
(phone buzzing)
Oh, what...
Hey, I was just
about to call you.
Nick, look, there's something
that I wish I would've said
to you last night, but I didn't,
so I'm gonna say it right now.
Sayonara, Sammy.
Those are such beautiful words.
I'm Sammy.
(clears throat)
Hello?
Reagan...
I'm gonna need
some time to process
everything you just said.
Yeah.
I really put myself out there.
Yeah.
I... Hey...
in light of recent events,
I think it's important
that we have each other's
current information.
I mean, I know
I have your phone number
because I just dialed it
and I have your address
because I lived there.
'Cause Jess said it on TV.
I've got a flight to catch.
Me, too.
Bye, Nick.
(laughs)
(sighs)
We did it.
(wry laugh)
Thank God.
Yeah.
Need some sleep.
Good night, buddy.
So, we're totally free
to talk about anything.
Totally.
Yeah.
Like, any... thing.
Any thing at all.
Yes.
Gah! What are
you doing here?
Well, it's been six weeks
since we've talked
and I was ready to talk.
You and Gary
looked great on television.
(sighs) Well, that's how
I want you to remember us:
Blurry and talking like Zuul.
Well, then,
mission accomplished?
(chuckles)
Hey, did Reagan
say anything to you?
Yeah, she actually did.
She said, uh, "Sayonara, Sammy."
Does that mean anything?
No, but whatever it means
will factor heavily into
tonight's Nick-on-Nick time.
I don't want to know
what Nick-on-Nick time is.
Masturbating.
Way more information
than I wanted.
Everybody does it
three or four times a day.
(laughing):
Three or four times...
I'm talking about masturbating.
(laughing)
But never am I
fully into it physically.
What? (giggling)
I missed you, kid.
Missed you, too.
God, your nose hairs
have gone totally bananas.
I'm gonna get my scissors.
SCHMIDT:
Cece,
I'd like to show
you something
that I have not been working on.
♪ Do The Hustle! ♪
I will not.
You do the hustle,
you stupid bossy song.
♪ ♪
I'm doing this for fun.
You know I gave him
the courage to do this?
Well, maybe you could give
him the courage to stop.
I missed you guys!
♪ ♪
No choreography, you guys!
Just keep it loose and fun!
(laughs) Oh, it's the best time
of my life!
leaves tomorrow, so...
Yes, if we're ever gonna have
sex, we gotta do it right now.
Now, what-what
I was actually gonna say
is do you want to print your
boarding pass at the airport
and use their ink
instead of ours,
but I like that
yours ended with sex.
I said sex,
but I meant meaningless sex.
Oh, I heard that.
That's what I heard.
I heard meaningless sex.
I'm gonna be in my room.
Yeah, I'm right behind you.
Time-wise.
I'm not pitching positions.
Okay, great.
Holy...
JESS: Hi!
Oh, my God!
I am so sorry.
Nobody was here when I got home,
and the bed just
looked so good, I went
full Goldilocks,
and you must be Reagan!
It's so good to meet you.
I put on my special
underwear, because...
Nick!
Jess is back!
And I made a promise
to myself when you left
I'd be wearing these
when you came back!
And I'm doing it.
Oh, my God! Thank you!
I'm doing it. I'm doing it.
All right, great,
I'm gonna get out of here.
No, stay.
Nah! Nah!
♪ ♪
JESS: The LA County Courthouse
gift shop is straight up bull.
Can you believe I had
to have these shirts made?
Yeah, I can believe that.
Where's Reagan? Probably putting
on her shirt still.
Yeah, Reagan's not exactly
the matching T type.
I-I feel like the moment
has passed, don't you?
Yeah, I feel like it's so passed.
Mm-hmm. Yeah.
That's the thing
about moments, though.
They come and they go.
They're fleeting.
That's a moment.
This is a moment.
Which makes me believe
that although
that one passed, maybe it...
It's also just, um,
I'm leaving tomorrow.
Yeah. So we don't want
to make it complicated.
I mean, right now
we're just roommates
that made out a couple of times.
Well, I'm glad
we talked this out.
Now your last day here
won't be weird.
Nothing about this conversation
makes me believe that
that is true.
(snaps)
Yeah.
(sighs, scoffs)
(snaps)
Glad it's not gonna be weird.
Winston's weekly letters.
90% redacted,
but still full of news.
"I'll leave you with my thoughts
on the trial."
Big black line, big black line.
They redacted that stuff?
Big black line.
"LOL." Big black line.
"Gotta go, or I'll be late
for my first dance class."
You know, actually the dance
class has become
more of a dance gathering.
You know what, maybe Schmidt
and I will join you,
because the wedding
is almost here,
and we have to work
on our first dance.
Come. I mean,
you know, two more referrals
and I get to have
my birthday party there.
JESS: Hey, Reagan.
Hello.
How was jury duty?
Jury duty was quite simply
the tops.
Did I have a knack for it?
I suppose.
Was I elected foreman?
Unanimously.
Am I going on the news tomorrow
to explain the verdict
to laymen non-jurors? (chuckles)
You know I am.
(chuckles) Nice! And yet,
I nearly threw it all away
for love.
His name was Juror 237B,
and we made the courthouse
our hothouse.
Blood splatters, mucous seeps.
JESS: But nothing
could happen between us,
because,
as every American knows,
personal contact
through the exchange
of personal information
between members
of a sequestered jury
is strictly forbidden.
But I promised myself,
once the trial had ended,
I would find him.
Extra! Extra!
"I'm gonna find that juror,"
vows Jessica Day!
Page two:
It's war in the Pacific!
What?!
NICK:
Schmidt...
I... Schmidt!
I need your help.
This is Reagan's last day.
I know it is, and you know what?
Whatever embarrassments
or failures
the rest of your life may hold,
no one can ever take away
what you've accomplished
this week.
A goddess walked among us,
and you went
to first base with her.
Several times.
And I actually did
a really good job kissing her.
But now I'm making it weird.
No.
Yeah, every time
I open my mouth,
I'm tarnishing my legacy
a little bit.
But I have a plan.
I'm gonna shut up.
Love it.
I'm not finished yet.
There's more to my plan.
Do you need more?
Yes, I need more.
What more could there be?
Just shut up.
I'm going to shut up
until we say good-bye.
And then...
I'm gonna hit her
with a Goosebumps Walkaway.
I don't know who he is.
Is he an old-fashioned
baseball player?
Goosebumps Walkaway is the line
that they guy says to the girl
in the movie
that gives her goosebumps
and then
he walks away forever.
It's that line that...
That haunts her.
That consumes her.
That rings in her ear
for all of eternity,
granting you...
BOTH (whispering):
Immortality.
You're damn right.
Immortality.
Come here. I want to say
good-bye to you.
But it's not true.
So-so bad-bye, Reagan.
Bad... bye.
Okay, that was terrible.
Now, go write 20 more.
Learn them, inhabit them,
practice them,
and then throw those away.
Then write another 20 and submit
them to me for my approval.
Can bad-bye be one of them?
No.
So 40 new ones.
Yeah.
That's too... that's excessive.
REAGAN: So, what is your plan
for finding this guy?
I'm typing words I know
about him into a computer.
(typing)
Handsome
plus Los Angeles plus 237B...
(sighs) ...is a dead end.
Not if you're looking
for Japanese adult film star,
Handsome Los Angeles.
Born in February of 1937?
Handsome,
tell me your secrets.
Looks like you are
figuring that out.
So I'm gonna go anywhere else.
(knocking on door)
Hey, Jess.
Hi.
Hey, Reagan.
Wow, you were in here.
I was, yeah.
Anybody else back there?
(forced laughter)
If there was, I'd be terrified.
It's a small space.
So you and Jess
are just talking.
I can only imagine what you guys
are talking about.
Well... I can't stand
it for another second.
I have to address the 800-pound
gorilla that's in this room.
It's elephant in the room.
800-pound gorilla
is a different thing.
Okay, I guess I have to address
the 800-pound elephant
that's in the middle
of the room.
It's just elephant.
The 800 pounds,
that goes
with the gorilla thing.
800 pounds is not
a very big elephant.
Jess! Reagan and I
were romantic together.
Ooh.
I didn't know that.
Which means I've been romantic
with both of you.
Cool.
And it's not just
because you have brown hair
and you've shared this room.
But because you're great,
top-shelf ladies.
And I had the opportunity, and
so I reached in the cookie jar,
and I grabbed a chocolate chip
and an oatmeal.
And I'm not saying who's who.
(sighs)
I've gotten off-track.
Your worlds must be turned
absolutely upside down.
This must be devastating,
as it is to me.
We're all feeling emotions we
couldn't even begin to discuss.
A lot of us are having
bad anxiety,
and our legs are feeling
weird and tingly.
I think we're fine with it.
I think it's great.
I'm really glad I came in here
and, uh, talked about this.
I feel like we've gotten
a lot of... Great.
Mm-hmm.
Well...
Winston! (chuckles)
I didn't hear Winston.
He just screamed my name.
He needs help.
All right,
I'm coming to save you.
That's the most embarrassed
I've ever been
for anyone not doing improv.
He's being so weird.
I gotta get out of here
for the day.
Well, how would you like
to drive around Los Angeles
and look for a juror?
♪ Thank you for being Reagan ♪
♪ Travel to the car ♪
♪ And find a juror ♪
♪ Your heart is true, but you're
not walking fast enough. ♪
You and Nick,
tell me everything.
The power went out.
We went into the basement.
There were rats,
he passed out, we kissed.
(squealing softly):
Oh, my God.
And you like him.
No. No, I don't.
We just hooked up a few times.
Let's focus on you.
Here's a courtroom sketch.
Yep, there he is, 237B.
God, he can dress.
But we're gonna
need more than that.
We need something distinctive,
so did he have like a...
he walked with a limp
or he had a hook hand
or a neck tattoo--
anything?
No. (chuckles)
He was perfect.
We all were.
Except for the guy
sitting next to him,
9C-- ugh.
REAGAN:
What was wrong with him?
He never got why Bunt v. Che
was a relevant precedent.
Also he wheezed... a lot.
Like the door
of a haunted house.
He has asthma.
We can find that guy
and see if he knows anything.
I used to peddle inhalers.
What color was his?
Oh, uh... red.
Like the door
of a haunted house!
Sorry. (laughs)
The only group excursion
we took was
to a haunted house.
By the way,
if you like haunted houses
but hate lines,
January's a great time to go--
Dr. Foley?
Reagan Lucas.
I was just calling to
ask you if you were still
handing out samples
of Ciliabreez?
Six months
after the recall?
Oh, dang.
Jim?
Nothing more bad-ass
than calling a doctor
by his first name.
(shushing)
Sorry.
All I need from you is
the name of a patient.
(Digital Underground's
"The Humpty Dance" playing)
SCHMIDT:
What is this, Winston?
Who are all these
unusual people?
Where's the instructor?
It is a gathering,
not a class.
I've told you that before.
Listen, it's fun.
That's not dancing.
These people aren't dancing.
Dancing is about precision
and domination and sweat.
Check out my ass.
Check out my ass!
My butt is alive!
(whoops)
(dancers clamoring)
SCHMIDT: We're not gonna learn
our first dance here.
I'm gonna call my Beijing
Opening Ceremonies contact.
He's fantastic.
No, no, no.
Look, I always imagined
that our first dance
would just be you and me
having the time of our lives.
Very choreographed time
of our lives. No.
Having fun-- that's how I want
to start our lives together.
Can you please just try?
Please?
Yeah, I'll-I'll-I'll try.
Just listen to the music.
Let it build.
Let it build.
Got to let it wash over you--
Oh, there's the wave!
Let it wash over me
on the three count?
Yes!
I think so.
It's happening.
It's happening.
Well, just teach me the steps
and I'd be happy to join in.
There are no steps.
What dance are you guys doing?
Because it is not Humpty's!
♪ This is my dance, y'all,
Humpty Hump's my name... ♪
This is his dance, y'all!
And Humpty Hump is his name!
During Cece's first wedding,
Nick and I went into a duct
to catch a badger
that Winston had released.
Naturally.
It was crazy!
It was chaotic!
It was largely Nick's fault.
But then I realized
he's the only person
I'd ever go into a duct with.
Nick kind of
sneaks up on you.
You think he's one thing...
and then...
Yeah, Nick is great.
But I'm leaving and
we're both cool about that so--
Oh, right, you're both
totally cool about it.
I get Goosebumps Walka--
Okay, okay, just think-- okay.
Oh, wait, Reagan, before you go!
"Wherever the fridge
of life takes you..."
You came in, I liked you,
then you left!
What, what is that...?!
Stop thinking...
that this is good-bye.
And start knowing it as...
bye...
bye.
Pretend I didn't do the "byes."
REAGAN: So, Dr. Foley says our
guy spends all of his time here.
With all this grass,
no wonder his asthma is bad.
JESS:
Oh, hey!
There he is!
Hey, 9C!
Oh, no.
No, no, no, no, no!
You do not run my life anymore.
Good-bye!
Is that adult man
afraid of you?
I take a bathroom break
when I want to!
I cracked skulls as foreman.
Whoa, whoa.
JESS:
"Men only"?!
It's 2016!
Clearly, I make the rules.
That's why my office is a hut.
Fine, we'll get a man.
So, Winston didn't answer.
Schmidt said, "They're
desecrating the Time Warp.
Desecrating it!"
And he hung up.
But I got a hold of Nick.
He said that he's super busy,
which means he's
naked and doodling.
But he said he'd make time
for us, which is good.
Wait, sorry, so Nick is coming?
Yeah.
No, just call him and
tell him not to come.
I thought you were cool.
I am cool.
You don't really seem cool.
It's just that when I see
him, it's a, it's weird,
Mm-hmm.
'cause I'm, I'm leaving
and it's, it's complicated.
I do-- I just, I don't
really know how to... Right.
God, I'm crazy about him!
Yes! I knew it!
I knew it.
Okay, yes.
That's enough.
You're right.
You know what happens now.
I don't want to hug you.
You know what happens now!
I'm not hugging you.
Yeah, you are.
I'm not hugging you.
You know the juror's name?
I think it was 237B.
What's that guy's name, yeah?
Oh, yeah, no.
I really, really can't.
It's like... Nah...
I like that guy, really?
What's the name of the juror?
No!
Calls hand sanitizer
"ham sanitizer."
Tell me the name and
I'll give you the hat!
Quit it! Quit it!
He calls DNA "D and A."
You want grass stain
on this white hat?!
Please no.
But he kisses you like
a coal miner
greeting his wife.
After a day
in the caves.
Did they go into caves?
237B is Gary Garcia!
Gary?
I'm not jumping this! Let's go!
You get back here!
Gary Garcia!
SCHMIDT:
Look at her out there.
Treating the laws of music
as mere suggestions of music.
Must be frightening
to love a daredevil.
What happened to you?
Growing up a husky boy,
I learned that I had
no margin for error.
(Van McCoy's
"The Hustle" playing)
Hey, fatty,
it's called "The Hustle."
(laughter)
SCHMIDT: The slightest
mistake meant ridicule,
so I had to learn
to do everything perfectly.
I learned to dance
a dance the way
that it was meant to be danced.
And until I learned to dance
that dance perfectly,
I would never dance that dance.
(shouts)
And then exactly
364 days later...
♪ Do The Hustle! ♪
♪ Do the Hustle... ♪
BOY: Sock it, man!
(audience clamoring)
GIRL: Go!
(cheering)
BOY: Whoa!
No complaints here, fatty.
No complaints.
Let me ask you a question
about this mean kid
at the talent show--
was he a child emperor?
No, he was as poor
and trashy as they come.
So he had no power
over you then or now.
Schmidt,
you got to stop letting childish
ridicule dictate your actions.
Oh, yeah, well, your-your smelly
butt looks dumb in those pants.
(cell phone rings)
Hello?
Winston, I need you
to run a name
through the system.
That's a real thing, right?
MALE OFFICER: Yeah, nice vest!
(whistling)
Hey, look, Bishop altered
his uniform again.
(laughter)
Poor guy.
It's a bloodbath.
He'll live. Come here,
come here, come here.
Come here!
So, here's my plan.
I knock on Reagan's door
and the moment
before she says good-bye,
I give her the Goosebumps
Walkaway of your choosing,
and then I walk away.
What direction? What direction?
Do I, uh--?
Do you go left,
right or backwards?
Left, le... uh, left!
Nick.
Uh, right, right.
Backwards.
Left is a great choice.
'Cause that's
what I started with.
Left is a great choice.
Thank you, man.
That's, that was
my instinct, left.
And I would read that one.
That's 'cause this
is a perfect one.
When are you gonna tell him
how you feel?
Never.
I'm still leaving.
What would be the point
of telling him how I feel
when nothing can
possibly come from it?
WINSTON:
So...
there are 28 guys
named Gary Garcia.
Great, I can do that. That's not bad.
Really?
On that piece
of paper.
931 in the system;
still printing.
Are you sure
that Gary didn't have
something distinctive
about him?
Just a smile big and wide,
like the door
of a haunted house.
Boy, was I wrong.
Gary Garcia.
In my mind,
he was Lawrence from Torrance.
In your wildest fantasies,
he lives in Torrance?
Lawrence from Torrance,
not Lawrence of Torrance.
He was born
in Torrance,
but now he lives in Brentwood.
Lawrence of Brentwood.
Kind of sounds like the sponsor
at the end of a game show.
Yeah.
"Pat Sajak's wardrobe
furnished by
Lawrence of Brentwood."
Yeah.
(giggles)
This is why you should
tell Nick how you feel.
Even if nothing
comes of it.
So you won't end up like me.
I never told Gary how I feel,
and now I never can.
You can, and you should.
Don't let Miller
become your Garcia.
Hi, Nick.
I want to say something to you
before we say good-bye.
Shh...
Ew.
Sayonara, Sammy.
Sayonara.
What?
That's the shower.
(whispering):
I know it is.
Hello and good morning.
Hello and good morning.
You okay?
It's not so bad
if I don't think
about the trial.
Trial, trial, trial, trial...
♪ ♪
Hello and good morning!
Today, more on that trial
that's been captivating
Los Angeles.
Joining us is
the trial's foreman.
Thank you for being here, ma'am.
(distorted voice): Thank you for
having me, Alan; I'm a big fan.
ALAN:
Also with us, via satellite,
is another member of the jury.
No way it's him!
WINSTON: Whoa...
What are the odds?
Well, exactly
one in 11, Nick.
Juror...
(distorted voice): Please,
please, oh, my God, please.
...237B.
(distorted shriek) Oh! Oh! Oh!
ALAN: Welcome, sir. (distorted voice):
It's good to be with you, Alan.
Let's start...
Gary! Gary, it's me!
Gary!
Madam Foreman?
Is that you?
Yes! I'm Jess
and I like you!
I'm Gary
and I like you, too.
(laughing)
There it is!
(chuckling)
Man, they sound like
Cookie Monster's parents.
How do I get
in touch with you?
It's gargar...
It's G-A-R-G-A-R,
like Gary with no "Y"s,
twice, no spaces. Someone
get me a freakin' pen!
Oh, my God.
Wait! Did you say Brentwood?
Gary of Brentwood.
Gary of Brentwood.
Gary of Brentwood.
Gary of Brentwood.
"J" as in Jack,
"D" as in dog...
Should she be giving out
her personal information
on TV? I mean...
JESS:
...at...
...verdicts get appealed.
And killers go free.
Eh, hard to be
killed over e-mail.
...and I live at
310 Traction Avenue,
apartment 4D.
Easy to be killed in your home.
You know where to find me!
I need to see you now!
Okay, I know exactly
where to go.
Stay tuned
for your eight-day forecast
with Crispin Saint Chang.
Jess did it right.
She said something real.
And I said "Sayonara, Sammy."
Who the hell is Sammy?
All right, man.
I'm gonna take off.
I gotta head to the station
before my dance gathering.
You can't go to the station like
that. They'll make fun of you.
When are you gonna stop worrying
about what people say?
When I look into
my suggestion box,
it is full.
(laughs)
People have a lot to say
about the way I live my life.
But there is only
one comment card
that I pay attention to.
And you know
what that card says?
It says, "Great job.
Keep it up."
And you know
who filled out that card?
Me.
You know how I know?
Because I recognize my
motherfreakin' handwriting.
Now that's
a Goosebumps Walkaway.
I can do this.
Right?
Yes, I can do this.
(phone buzzing)
Oh, what...
Hey, I was just
about to call you.
Nick, look, there's something
that I wish I would've said
to you last night, but I didn't,
so I'm gonna say it right now.
Sayonara, Sammy.
Those are such beautiful words.
I'm Sammy.
(clears throat)
Hello?
Reagan...
I'm gonna need
some time to process
everything you just said.
Yeah.
I really put myself out there.
Yeah.
I... Hey...
in light of recent events,
I think it's important
that we have each other's
current information.
I mean, I know
I have your phone number
because I just dialed it
and I have your address
because I lived there.
'Cause Jess said it on TV.
I've got a flight to catch.
Me, too.
Bye, Nick.
(laughs)
(sighs)
We did it.
(wry laugh)
Thank God.
Yeah.
Need some sleep.
Good night, buddy.
So, we're totally free
to talk about anything.
Totally.
Yeah.
Like, any... thing.
Any thing at all.
Yes.
Gah! What are
you doing here?
Well, it's been six weeks
since we've talked
and I was ready to talk.
You and Gary
looked great on television.
(sighs) Well, that's how
I want you to remember us:
Blurry and talking like Zuul.
Well, then,
mission accomplished?
(chuckles)
Hey, did Reagan
say anything to you?
Yeah, she actually did.
She said, uh, "Sayonara, Sammy."
Does that mean anything?
No, but whatever it means
will factor heavily into
tonight's Nick-on-Nick time.
I don't want to know
what Nick-on-Nick time is.
Masturbating.
Way more information
than I wanted.
Everybody does it
three or four times a day.
(laughing):
Three or four times...
I'm talking about masturbating.
(laughing)
But never am I
fully into it physically.
What? (giggling)
I missed you, kid.
Missed you, too.
God, your nose hairs
have gone totally bananas.
I'm gonna get my scissors.
SCHMIDT:
Cece,
I'd like to show
you something
that I have not been working on.
♪ Do The Hustle! ♪
I will not.
You do the hustle,
you stupid bossy song.
♪ ♪
I'm doing this for fun.
You know I gave him
the courage to do this?
Well, maybe you could give
him the courage to stop.
I missed you guys!
♪ ♪
No choreography, you guys!
Just keep it loose and fun!
(laughs) Oh, it's the best time
of my life!