New Girl (2011–2018): Season 4, Episode 21 - Panty Gate - full transcript

(speaking quietly)

(whispering): Coach and May are fighting.
We don't want to disturb them.

They're not fighting.

I know how to read
body language. Look.

Her arms are crossed
in a position of dominance,

and he's playing his forehead
like a piano.

WINSTON:
Will you clowns focus?

My waffle is in the toaster,
and if I wait too long

after it pops, it'll get hard.

Look, I know
about relationships.

Winston can
vouch for me.



That girl, KC,
just texted him,

"What's up?"

That riddler. So I
had him text back

an empty bubble.

Is he thinking about her? Or is
a baby playing with the phone?

She don't know,
but she want to know.

There she is. There she is.
Oh.

JESS:
Hey.

Morning. Hello. How do?

Hey. Oh, someone left a waffle
in the toaster.

Bye, guys.

Man, this waffle
better be hot

or I am going
Durst on y'all!

Hey... Coach.



Why... Jess,
are you talking like that?

She thinks you and
May are fighting.

No, we're not fighting.

(chuckles)

We did break up though.

(gasps)
Oh, my God, I knew it.

I mean, I'm so sorry.
What happened?

May accepted a
job in New York

as a section musician
for the Met.

Oh, has Alan taken a liking
to her? Oh, bravo.

Good for... You know,
I've always been a fan of his.

When he conducted, uh,
Das Rheingold

with the Royal Stockholm
Orchestra, it was magnificent.

Jar or slap?

I don't have
any cash on me.

Good slap.
JESS: Are you okay?

Do you want to talk about it?

No, I'm good. Yeah.
I'll miss her, but...

we're still friends.
We're cool.

I'm cool. Cool. NICK: All right.

He is not good.

Winston, get back here! We need
to powwow about May and Coach!

Winnie's gonna need a minute.

What are you
reading? What is...

One Woman's Journey
Up Inside Herself?

It's really inspiring.
I actually want to be

the woman in this book.

"Finding inner strength
in a time of crises."

Cece, are you in crises?

I'm fine. Cece's fine.

How are you?
How's Fawn holding up?

If you must know, my paramour
Councilwoman Fawn Moscato

has been so strong
since the incident.

(crowd gasping)

You know, reporters
are calling it Panty-Gate.

There's pictures
of her naked lady-bottom

all over the Internet. Sid,

put the
phone away.

You picked it up right when
I said "naked lady-bottom."

Please. You guys are good, then?

You know,
'cause the last time we spoke,

you said you were feeling
a little, you know, used.

Well, not anymore.
We're a team now.

Fawn and Schmidt.

Fawmidt.

Vomit?
No, Fawmidt.

You're saying the word "vomit."

No, I don't hear that, but okay.

Fawn's holding a press
conference later today,

and I don't mean to toot
my own shofar,

but I'll be standing there
right by her side.

So this scandal is actually

bringing you two
closer together.

Team Fawmidt
has never been stronger.

I heard it there.

Wow, that sounds
exactly like "vomit."

That's a problem.
Mm-hmm.

"Roughly the same length
as The Pearl."

How is that a pull quote?

And that...

is how babies get made.

It's gross, right?

How does the sperm find the egg?

Propelled by its tail,

the sperm travels up the canal
until it reaches the egg.

Now, for us,
it's only a couple of inches,

but for Mr. Sperm there,
it's miles away.

Miles and miles and miles away.

(sighs)

It's almost like...

why would the egg want to be
so far away from the sperm?

You know? Like, didn't
the egg and the sperm

have a great time
together?

And then you're just gonna
pack your bags and leave

and go to New York?

To play music
with some other sperm.

You're just-just gonna leave?
You're gonna leave your sperm

and go play music
with other sperms?!

And I'm cool with that!
I'm cool with that!

You know, I got eggs.
I have eggs on deck!

This sperm got swag.
All those other sperms

ain't got swag like me.
Can any other sperm

sport this much green
and still look dope?

No!

That ain't tight!
This is tight!

This is tight!

(crying):
I just want you

to come back, and I...
(sniffles)

I guess I chose the wrong day
to observe Health.

COACH (crying):
I miss her!

May!

Listen, thanks for standing
next to me up there, Ponyboy.

I hope this show of remorse

will keep these reporters
off my back.

Oh, I know it will.
And then, you know what,

once this is over,
maybe we get out of here

for a little bit. Lay low, Oh.

rent a cabin in the woods,
Yeah.

read some poetry,
have horizontal sex.

Okay, two of those three things
sound like fun. Now,

here's your statement in case you're
asked any questions. Oh, a st...

I'm not gonna need a statement.
I'm a seasoned improviser.

Hey, guys.
We're the Belly Laughs.

So I need a location.

BOY:
How 'bout fat camp?

(laughter)

That's adorable. But just,
please, read what I wrote.

I will. But I'm not gonna
do it until I get out there.

You're gonna want me
in the moment for this.

Okay.

(reporters clamoring)

Good afternoon.

Um, before I answer
any of your questions,

my partner would like
to read a statement.

Honey.

I am a sick man.

On Saturday last,
Councilwoman Moscato

was caught not wearing
underpants because I...

I asked her
not to wear them.

Why?

Because it turns me on.

What I did was wrong.

I'm so sorry, Fawn.

I'm sorry, Los Angeles.

And I'm sorry
to the man upstairs,

my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

Dress shirts on a Monday?
You know how it is.

Coach breaks up with a lady,
we take him out,

and he gets loaded.

Yeah, I know how it usually goes

when Coach breaks up with
a girl, but May is different.

Sometimes she comes over
and they don't even have sex.

I don't get that.
Trust me, I am right

about this, just like
I was right about them fighting.

I'm on, like, a streak here.

I might just be...
an expert in love.

Like a... you know,
like a love doctor, if you will.

I will not. You are
the least qualified person

to call themselves
a doctor of love.

Exhibit "A": you dated me.

I rest my case.
(chuckles)

Court is adjourned.

Guilty as charged.

(laughs)

Put... I would stop that.

Case... rested.
Listen, I got to say

I agree with Nick
on this one, Jess.

I mean, it's been a whole day,
and KC still hasn't texted me.

Well, that's just proof
that the bubble is working.

Look, you guys,
Coach needs to talk to May.

Trust me. He is in pain.

I'm happy and I'm healthy
and I'm ready to party!

(Nick and Winston laughing)
Let's get drunk!

(whoops)
You're wrong.

Coach. (chuckles)
(Coach grunts)

Do you want to talk about
what happened today or...?

Talk about what?

Nah. (chuckles)

(Nick and Winston laugh) Hey, um,
actually, can you do me a favor?

May's gonna be recording later.

She's gonna stop by
and pick up her rubber circle.

May has a diaphragm?

No, it's the thing
that you put on the floor

to stabilize the cello.

Condom.
No.

No, it's the thing
you put on the floor

to make sure
the cello stays put.

Cello stabilizer.

Oh, yeah.
Cello stabilizer.

Oh. Well, wouldn't you like
to be here when she comes by?

No, that's gonna be hella weird.
(laughter)

I want to party!
Yeah!

We 'bout to par...
Come on, party!

I'm gonna do this
and gonna do this, this,

this, this, this.

(sighs)

What was that speech?

I'm sorry, okay? I told you to
read the statement beforehand,

and then you told me
that terrifying story

about doing improv
at a fat person's camp.

I didn't know
that the statement

was gonna blame me
for Panty-Gate.

And by the way,
for your information,

the Belly Laughs
did not "do" improv.

We reinvented it.

I know you must be embarrassed,
but... you saved me.

Yeah, well, people
think I'm a sicko now.

One of your aides spit at me.
Was it Shallon?

Yeah, that's a lisp,
but still, he's fired.

Look, if you want to leave,
I completely understand.

But the truth is...

I can't do this without you.

Well, now Ponyboy is
feeling very conflicted.

Just one last photo op.

You and I having
a lovely evening.

Show the press
everything's back to normal.

And then I promise
it'll just all be about us.

Could we do
horizontal sex?

Yes.
With foreplay?

It's a deal-b... It's a deal-breaker.
Uh... Yeah.

It's a deal-breaker. Okay.
Fine, yes, fine, yes.

Oh, God.

No, please. Oh...

Oh, God.

(knocking)
May.

Cece!

So Coach and May
broke up?

Long story short,

they shouldn't have broken up,

and I am the only person

that sees this.

I realize I'm kind of
an expert in love.

A love doctor, if you will.

Where are
your crackers?

A-Above the fridge.

Cece, did they raise
your tuition again?

Why are you so hungry?

I've decided I'm going to climb
Mount Shasta.

By yourself?

I'm leaving
for three weeks.

I want to be like the woman
in the book;

I want to go on a climbing trip
and find myself.

Okay, um... Ceec,

are you sure

you're ready
for a climbing trip?

Jess, I just...
I can't sit here

and watch Schmidt with Fawn.

And I don't think they're
breaking up any time soon, so...

Cece, they're never gonna last.

He doesn't really love her.

Did he tell you that?

No, but...

as a doctor of love,
I sense these things.

(knocking)

The Love Doctor just knows.

May.
Hi.

Uh, I'm here for
my endpin anchor.

Yeah.

Ah, thank you.

Very sorry to hear
about the breakup.

Are you okay?

Um, yeah. Yeah.

I'm here to talk
if you ever need to.

In hard times,
it's nice to have a friend, May.

Thanks...

Jess, right?

Yes.
Well, uh...

I'm in the middle of
a recording session.

I got to get back to the
studio, so... see ya.

Bye.

Yeah, Jess, she looks
real broken up about it.

(knocking)

I... I'm a mess.

I know!

(May crying)

(whispers):
The doctor is in.

Wait, what?

Nothing. Cry it out.

Mmm! Ah.

Wow.

I've never seen Coach go
this hard after a breakup, man.

You sure he's okay? It's
good, it's good, it's good.

You treat an outside wound
with rubbing alcohol,

you treat an inside wound
with drinking alcohol.

That's science.

I feel that, man.

It is time to
turn things up.

Sidney!

Do what you do!
(chuckles)

("Black Velvet"
by Alannah Myles playing)

Aw...

(chuckles)

This... is... my... jam.

MAY (muffled): We've only been
dating for a few months.

I just thought that...

that breaking up was, like, the
smart thing to do, you know?

I know you're upset,

sweetie, but I...
I can't understand

anything you're saying
with the crackers.

Do you love him?

I think I do.

Well, then maybe moving
to New York doesn't mean

you have to break up.
(muffled): So you think

that I should... that I should
ask Coach to move with me?

Okay, how about
we put down the crackers?

I think she wants Coach

to move to New York
with her.

Oh! Yes, yes!
I mean...

Yeah? You-You... You think that he
would say yeah? Yeah. Definitely.

He's crazy about you. He had a
meltdown today in health class.

Now, the kids did learn that sex
is emotionally complicated,

so it was a good class,
but trust me...

What Jess is trying to say
here is that if you...

if you really know
how you feel about someone,

you need to act now.

Wow. (laughs)

Am I really doing this?

Yeah, but not before
we clean your face,

'cause it's caked in snot.

WINSTON:
Ooh, yeah, Coach!

Who you think
he's gonna hook up with?

It's a tough Monday crowd. It...

It's nearly impossible to say,

but I'm gonna go
with the white bodysuit

and, uh,
the leopard print leggings.

She looks
smart to me.

WINSTON: No way. No way. My money's
on the one with the wedding ring

whose husband is clearly
over there in the corner

spying on her.

Yeah, he's not
happy about that.

Oh, oh, ooh!
Dora the Explorer

just entered the scene!
(laughs)

You're tiny. I like it.

NICK: There she g... Oh!
For the kiss!

Oh!
The winner.

The winner.

What the hell?

Oh. May's here. Coach!

(both grunting, growling)

(Nick and Winston
whistling, grunting)

May here, she here!

Wh-Wha... Uh, May!

Wh-What are... what
are you doing here?

No, come on.

No, no...

♪ In a flash, he is gone ♪

♪ It happened so soon... ♪

In case you were
wondering, she, uh...

she did get her little
rubber holder thing.

Coach, um, I wanted
to apologize.

Not now, honey.
He needs some time, honey.

I brought over a beer.
We'll take that beer.

Give us that beer, honey.

Sorry.

I'm not a freaking love doctor.

I'm Dr. E.D. Ote.

(chuckles)
Dr. Idiot.

Yeah, I get it. I just
never understood

the whole love doctor
thing, anyway.

I guess I was just hoping that
with all the mistakes I've made,

at least I could
help you guys find love.

That I didn't go through
all that for no reason.

Yeah, but no one has
the answers, you know?

It's love, it makes no sense.
It's messy.

There's no such thing
as a love doctor.

You know what, Cece?

Go on your trip.
Go get over Schmidt.

Don't listen to me.

I'm gonna climb that mountain.

Yeah, I'm gonna do it.
I'm gonna do it.

But I'm not gonna
do it for Schmidt,

I'm gonna do it for me.

Good. Go.

I love you, girl.
Love you, too.

Hey, don't smile.
Don't smile.

Look sadder
that you're buying underpants.

Underpants make you
very, very sad.

Oh, I hate being
here so much.

These underpants make
me so uncomfortable.

That's perfect. There's that
fat boy improv training.

Now, next, I'm going to ask
for something with a little more

coverage; you're gonna flip out,
say you can't take it anymore,

and leave the store.

Then tomorrow, we enter you into
some kind of rehab facility.

When you get out, we'll announce
that we're getting married.

Married? What? I don't...
Shh. Yes. Shh.

Yes, yes. Okay.

So what I say is we build
on this momentum, okay?

And we get married. I know
it's not the most romantic

idea in the world,
but we'd be happy.

And then, we play
our cards right,

you and I are living
in the mayor's mansion by 2020.

Fawn. Fawn.

No.

No? Oh, n-no to some of it?

No to all of it. We can't get
married. I barely even know you.

You... You know me.

The real you, Fawn.

This is the real me.

I'm a politician,
not in The Vagina Monologues.

I mean, what do you want?

I can get you anything you want.

You'll be rich,
I'll be powerful.

I'm realizing...

just now that it's
not what I want.

I don't want
any of that.

I want to be in love.

I want to be... I want
to be crazy in love.

Okay, well, certainly
don't quote Beyoncé

and then pretend like
you just thought of it.

Uh, uh, I want to
be drunk in love.

But that's also
a Beyoncé lyric.

Come on, Fawn.

You're not really
in love with me.

I'm not really in
love with-with you.

We just look great together
buying underpants.

Are you breaking up with me?

I guess I kind of am.

Well, um...

I don't want this

to come out
the wrong way, but...

does this mean I lose your vote?

(chuckles)

Never.

(cameras clicking)

(shouting): I just can't stand
to be in here any longer!

Surrounded...

by these underpants!

Red ones and yellow ones
and blue ones and pink ones!

And this woman with her
brassiere-slash-teddy!

Underpants everywhere!
They're driving me nuts!

I feel like I got
underpants all over my body!

Schmidt out.
This is ridiculous.

Enough is enough.
Get out of here, paparazzi.

No, leave me...
Get-get out of my way, sir.

I just want to say something.
No.

And then I'll leave.

Look, I'll never get involved in
your personal life ever again.

Okay? Because I have no
idea what I'm talking about.

And I know that now.

You could just... you could just
troll for basic bitches

at the juice bar,
and I will say, mm, nothing.

Okay? So, look, I was
wrong, and I'm sorry.

I do love her.

I'm crazy about her.

Yes! I was right!

(laughs)
Love Doctor! I'm back.

Really? I thought
it was just a regular breakup.

But in all fairness, I hadn't
thought about it that hard.

I mean, what do I do, man?

You know, it's like
she's going to New York.

Yup. I can't go to New York with her.
That's crazy.

You know? I like my sun on the
right and my ocean on the left.

It's a rule of mine.

Plus, I'd have
to leave you guys.

Can't leave you
guys, I mean,

I finally have a home.

All right, flash forward
to the future.

40, 50 years.

You're married. Kids, grandkids.
Mm-hmm.

I'm long dead.
Naturally.

Of course.

And you look over

to the woman sitting
next to you.

And she's gray.

She's old. She has that,
like, grandma smell.

You have a grandpa smell, but you got...
Grandmas always smell like...

like right when you
open a cupboard.

Yeah, she has that smell, but...
Mm-hmm.

...you love her.

Be honest with yourself.

Is that fat old lady sitting
beside you... Mm...

Honestly, right now, in my head,
I'm just picturing, like,

a beanbag chair
with a wig on it.

Okay. We have gone too much
into the description. Okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Is that May?

I think so.

Well, that's big.

Let's go get her.

Yeah?
Yeah.

JESS: Whoo-hoo! Let's go get May.
Yeah!

Hey, Jess, she texted me back!
The blank bubble worked!

Guys?

Have you seen my white friends?

In 40 years,
when we're old and...

Do it.
...a mess of fat,

loose skin hanging,
I have boobs,

and you've got hair

on your face...

Holding my rock sack
while I'm sitting on the toilet

so it doesn't fall
in the water.

What are you saying?

I'm saying, as you get older,
your testicles lengthen.

(scoffs) No, what I'm
saying is I love you.

Oh.
And that I would be

a fool if I let you leave
to New York

without even fighting for us.

Ernie...

I love you, too.

But I... I can't stay here.

I don't want you to stay here.

Um... look, I know we haven't
been dating that long,

and, um, this might seem crazy,
but I was won...

Will you move to
New York with me?

Yes! That! That's what I...

Yes?! Yeah, that's what
I wanted to do, yeah.

(screeches) Right. So,
we're moving to New York?

We're moving to New York.
We're moving to New York!

Jersey City.
What?

Jersey City!
Jersey... I don't...

NICK:
Well, this is all you, Jess.

Come on.
This is all you.

I mean it. If Coach were
hanging out with me,

we'd be beating up a priest right now.
(laughs)

You had a lot
to do with this, too.

No, really. All that stuff about

"Who do you see
yourself next to?"

That's-that's really good.

Do you do that?

Who-who do you
see yourself next to?

Winston mostly.

Ah. Yeah, me, too, actually.

(both laugh)

I just see a really old Winston.
(chuckles)

Eating handfuls of birdseed
out of the bag.

He gets really into birds.

Hey!

Play some music!
Play some music!

(playing romantic
classical music)

I'm sorry about Fawn.
Yeah, sorry, buddy.

Yeah, you guys
were good together.

She was fine.
Okay, that's enough.

I know you guys didn't like her.
Hated her guts.

So much! JESS: Wait. What
are we watching right now?

That girl just
took her boobs out!

Nick, why are you watching smut?
It was already in the DVD player.

I didn't want to get up and get it.
Schmidt, are you sitting on my pillow?

Who leaves porn in the DVD? What's it
doing out here in the first place?

The only thing we use it for.
Might as well

just leave it in. I'm
sleeping on the couch.

Furguson and I are fighting.
SCHMIDT: Why is that pillow wet?

NICK: It's a good story. Let's
just watch and see what happens.

What are you smiling at?
Nothing.

For crying out loud, take this
soft-core off the TV right now.

Why is this pillow wet?
Furguson...

Jess, I have to see
how the story ends.

There isn't any plot! This is the
wrong time to stop this, trust me.

Get you and your wet pillow and
your big old legs out of here.

Nick, I know you want that.
I don't want to eat that.

Get that damn pizza out of my mouth!
(laughter)