New Girl (2011–2018): Season 4, Episode 20 - Par 5 - full transcript

Okay, Schmidt, you ready for
your feedback for the week?

Yes. Uh, let me just pull up
my performance grid.

First off, thanks for
keeping sex quick.

You were like a dog
with an ice cream cone,

and I loved it,
but screaming

"that's how Schmidty do"
was not ideal.

Even though that's how
Sch-Schmidty did?

Well, Schmidty did,
and he did it good,

but mommy doesn't
want to hear

how Schmidty's doing.
Note... note taken.

Okay. Great. Good.
Note taken.



I feel like I'm watching a porn
set in an HR department.

You know, Fawn is teaching me
how to be the most effective

and successful man
and lover I possibly can be.

Really?
I thought you were fine before.

When you two were
together? Which time?

The... the first time
or the third time?

Because... 'cause you two

were very off-and-on.

In a... in a very
confusing way.

(laughs) I've had sex
with him so many times.

We have a fun thing
together, don't we?

Super fun, yeah.
I really enjoy it.

What is her...
what is it, Cecil?

What is your name?



You'll learn it.
Don't worry.

Fawn's helping me see
that I haven't reached

my full potential yet.
Well, obviously,
none of you have.

No, I have. I'm a cop.

And, as of yesterday,
my mom no longer buys

my plane tickets, so...
(clicks tongue)

You need a ten-year plan.

Are you in a relationship
that's headed towards marriage?

I am not currently,
but I did go on a date

with somebody
named Charles last month.

She was a woman, but she was
named after her uncle.

Well, Winston has no game.

Dude took a girl
to a cement plant.

To see how rocks were made.

That's not where rocks are made.

And she loved it,
then she abruptly moved away.

(groans)

Work sucked, my friends.

(nasally voice):
Hear ye, hear ye.

Milady.

I dub you Sir Winston
of the Roll of Egg.

(nasally):
Ah, yes. Yes.

Who are you in this story?

I'm the jester.

I'm not gonna
eat here anymore.

You'd think that
the school board would want

to give kids computers,
but no,

they just want to get reelected

so they can keep dressing
like Realtors from the 1980s.

Solid municipal burn, Jessica.

Fawn...
Councilwoman.

Councilwoman-- do you think

you could help me get
some traction with these people?

Oh, funnily enough, I have
a charity event tomorrow

with other high-powered
L.A. women.

I'll put a word in with Yowtz.
Martha Yowtz?

Yeah.
The lioness of
Los Angeles education?

Yes.
The straw that stirs
the school board's drink?

That's right.
That is a woman
I'd like to get to know.

Is there any way I could come
with you to this event?

Ah, you know, it's really
a networking thing.

Well, that's perfect,
'cause I'd love to network her.

With her. It's "with..."
You network with her.

Yeah, it's
"network with her,"

and you don't
really strike me

as the "networking" type.

You're more of a "follow
a butterfly around

for a day" kind of gal.

Oh, sister, I'm a middle-school
vice principal.

You think I got this job
without knowing how to network?

Most likely. Yes.

I got an office
with a door, bub.

Pencil me in.
I'll yak with Yowtz.

The press will be there,

and I could use a photo with
an educator, so... okay.

Oh, great.
Oh. Hey.

Do you still need me
for the photo op?

I will need you
there, actually.

I'm trying to become more
accessible on social media.

Speaking of which, is
there some way you can

make your skin look
less white in photos?

People are saying that
you're haunting me.

I can do that.
Absolutely. 100%.

Let me just make a note.
Wonderful.

And, Jess, the event tomorrow
is at a golf course.

Do you golf?

Does a bear eat with his hands?
(chuckles)

I don't know.

I'll be there.
Great.

So I say to her, "Water?
I barely even know you."

Stop talking to me like we're
in the middle of a conversation.

We just sat down.
All right.

I hate when you do that.
Okay.

Winston.

That is a beautiful
girl right there. Wow.

Just say something to her.
Yeah, just say something to her.

Shawty, what that thang do?

No.

What was that?
WINSTON: Dude, I think it's

a nervous tic that stems from
my lack of self-confidence.

We got to help.
I can't watch this.

Excuse me, miss? Hi.

Coach, stop.
Um, this is my
buddy, Winston.

Um... I don't know what
he's doing with his mouth.

That's not his
normal smile at all.

I'm gonna fix that.
If I could just...

Both sides-- even it out.

Better.

I think he likes you.
Oh, yeah?

Just go talk to her. You got it.
I don't...

Okay, okay, I'm going.
You got it. You got it.
He's coming.

He's excited to talk to you.
Hey... My friends.

(laughter)

Hello.

I'm Winston Bishop.

Winston Bishop. KC.

KC! Just be like,
"Yo, KC, where JoJo at?"

(laughs)

In rehab, probably.

He's... he was on drugs.
Yeah.

WINSTON:
Sorry. Um...

I don't know what
to say right now.

Uh, kind of
blowing this, huh?

Uh...

Um, I think you're
very beautiful, KC,

and I would like to
see you again soon...

like, later today for lunch?

I'd love to.

Really?

Here.
Oh.

I'm gonna put in my number...

or come with me to this thing
in the park I'm going to now

and we can grab something after.

You know, I saw Nick Nolte
in the park once.

And I was like, "Yo, Nick Nolte,
what you doing in the park?"

And he was just like,
"I'm just hanging out."

Yeah, so I thought
that was notable.

I'm going to a rally
to protest the police.

Do you want to come?

Or we could just do lunch.

Let's do lunch.
Okay.

Yeah. Nice to...
nice to meet you, KC.

CECE:
Fawn is none of my business,

and Schmidt seems
to really like her,

so whatever happens,
I'm just not getting involved.

Then why are you on your way
to hang out with him?

What are you doing?
He said to come over.

He said it was an emergency.

What if he does something sexy?

That's like Gollum

hanging out with the One Ring.

It'll be fine.

Ooh. Hey, Cece,
I'm glad you're here.

I need you to put bronzer
all over my body.

None of the guys are here,
and they also refused to do it.

Um, all over.
I know you're giving me a look,

but, really, like, all over.

All the cracks,
the crevices.

The engine, the caboose,
everything.

Oh, okay.

Gripped it and ripped it.

You da man.

No, say, "Fawn's the man."

Fawn's the man.
Fawn's the man.

Oh, hey, there's Yowtz.

Woman's got more connections
than a flight

from Burbank to Sri Lanka.

Well, then, it's
a good thing

I bought the
airport neck pillow

in the gift shop,
because... (chuckles)

You know what that means.

I got this.
Okay.

How the hell are you?

Jessica Day.

I need 20 computers
for my school.

Just met you,
but noted.

You're up.

Thanks.

What? Oh.

You walk towards the...

Whoops.

Oh, dear Lord.

Why are we putting
this on your body?

Aren't you gonna be
wearing a shirt?

Well, you know,
Fawn wants me

to be prepared
for all scenarios.

What if somebody
gives birth out there

and I have to swaddle
the baby in my polo?

(wry chuckle)
Yeah.

I've never been under
this kind of scrutiny before.

I'm having my teeth
shaved by

a 25th of an inch.

Fawn thinks that I have
the teeth of an immigrant.

She says every time
she looks at me,

all she can see is
Fievel Mouskewitz

singing "There Are No Cats
in America."

Those little...

those little mice Jews.

I mean, what do you think, Cece?

You... you like Fawn, right?

Yeah, I mean,
as-as long as you're happy.

There you go.
What the hell?

What?

Why am I sparkly?

Sparkly?

You bought the bronzer
with glitter in it.

Cece, please,
you gotta help me, Ce...

Fawn's gonna kill me!

Okay, just don't get
too expressive. You'll crease!

So stupid! I feel like
I'm trying to get into

an 18-and-under club
in Tucson!

So, yeah, at the rally,
there was this kid

I know from the
youth center

who was arrested last week

because he "fit a description."

I mean, he's 14-- he doesn't
even fit into his jeans.

(uncomfortable laughter)

Yeah.
Anyways...

enough about me. Let's,
uh, talk about you.

What do you do?

What do I do?

Um... okay.

Well... what do I do?

Um...

Okay, the truth is...

Hey, man.

You know them?

Oh, not personally, no.

Hey, what's up, Bishop?

Oh, yeah, I do know them.

We went to school together.

See you at work, bud.

More importantly...

we work together.

You're a cop?

Me?
(laughs)

A cop? No!

No, no, no, no, no, no.
Don't...

No, no, no.
Get that out of your head.

Uh, what I do is I'm a...

male stripper.
A stripper?

That's why they were
wearing the uniforms.

Yeah, I see where you...
why you would think that. No.

A surprising amount of day work
for a stripper.

You know, we just go in there,
we do our routine

while they eat
their lunch salads.

Wow.
(laughs)

You just pray nobody
orders soup.

Lost a lot of good men to soup.

(short laugh)
It's hard to gauge temperature

when you're just...
dipping and running.

You'd be surprised what you
could replace a ladle with.

Nice day.
Beautiful.

What happened
to the top of my hat?

You take it?

(laughs)
A little, uh...

little visor humor.

Give me back my hat!

I'm kidding.
(chuckles)

I wasn't gonna hit you.

I'm just joshing.

Just Joshua, Joshua, joshing...

Do you ladies want
to join my network?

Uh, you ladies can just
go ahead and play through.
Yeah.

Yeah.
I'll catch up with you later.

Uh, so, how-how do you feel
that the networking is going?

Pretty good.

I would call it,
like, a solid B.

It's a cruise ship disaster.

Look, Jess, if you
want those computers,

we have a lot of work to do
and not a lot of time to do it.

Shake my hand.

Gross.

What is your name?

Jess?

You have the confidence
of a child

that was raised in a basement.

Say it with pride,
and include your job title

like it's the second half
of your name.

Like this--
Fawn Moscato, City Council.

Jessica Day, Vice Principal!

How the heck are you?

DAWN:
Lighten it up with a quick joke
whenever possible.

Nice shoes.

Look like you chopped off
Big Bird's feet,

you murderer.
(laughs)

FAWN:
And try not to make jokes
about murdering

Sesame Street puppets
if you can.

JESS: Good note.
FAWN: Now, tell me--

are you wearing underwear?

Oh, yeah. Big-time.

Lose them.
I never wear underwear

in networking scenarios.

Gives you a secret; an edge.

Besides, I firmly believe

that power emanates
from the vagina.

So, why block it?

It's not the only
thing that emanates.

What does that mean?

(quietly):
Other stuff.

So I said, "Tammy,
are we playing golf,

or are we making sand castles?"

(laughter)

Tammy is the worst.

She told my kid to shut up once.
I nearly punched her.

I don't want to start talking
business while we still

have a whole tournament
to play, but...

I'd love to connect about
your ideas in the clubhouse.

Let's meet up there
when we're all done.

Great. I'll see you
in there, Marty.

May I call you Marty?

Oh, I'd prefer it.

(laughs)

The clubhouse?

That is where you
close the deal.

You are in, my friend.

Now, let's finish
up this game.

No problem.

Write a six and let's go.
They should start putting

GPS in golf balls,
am I right?

We already got lapped by Sue Kim

from the Korean Women's League,
and she's 100.

Jess, she is literally
100 years old.

And I'm... I'll tell you what--
not a young 100.

Martha doesn't strike me
as the type of person

who gives computers
to cheaters.

You really don't understand
how networking works.

The computers are just
the thing you talk about

when you're really talking about

how to help each other
become more powerful.

Just like the money
for this golf thing-- it doesn't

go to charity. It just pays
for the event where we network.

Isn't that cool?

Yay, America!

Were the computers
ever really on the table?

You're still talking
about the computers?

Okay. Uh, no. No.
No money for computers.

I should've never listened
to you. I also should have

never removed my underwear,
because now it's drafty

and I feel vulnerable
to wildlife.

Are your underwear sticking out
of your pocket?

Are those boys' underwear?

They're unisex.
None of your business.

Look, will you forget the ball?
Or none of these women

are ever going to invite you
to play golf again.

Well, I don't want to play
golf with these women again.

I don't want any part of this.

If I can't have
the computers,

I will...
I will stay here

and I will play a
clean game of golf.

Now, if you'll excuse me, Fawn,
I need to go find my ball.

Like an honest person.

Okay.

Oh, look-- it's a baby bird.

No, it's a dead baby bird.

I need to move on
before I get emotional.

Can't believe I didn't
tell her I was a cop.

With everything that's
been going on, I just...

I feel like she
wouldn't respect me.

You want to know what I think?
No, Nick, I don't.

This is something
you can't understand.

Because I'm not black?
Uh...

What, because I don't work for
NASA, I can't fix a rocket ship?

If you don't work at
NASA, they're not gonna

just let you walk off the
street and fix a rocket ship.

You're missing my point.
Besides, you lost your
right to talk to me

about race during
the O.J. trial.

...is in the white Bronco...

Why does it have to
be a "white" Bronco?

Why not just a Bronco?

I can talk to you about this.

I mean, we grew up together.

We went to the same schools,
we watched the same shows,

we listened
to the same records.

Your mother got a mouth
on the back of her neck,

and bitch chew like this.
(grunts, laughs)

Hercules.

Was that your Eddie Murphy?
That's Eddie Murphy.

That was so bad, it
wasn't even offensive.

I said "Hercules,"
and everyone

associates that
with Eddie Murphy.

Whenever you do
your impressions,

it makes me super
uncomfortable.

Fine. You know what?
You want to do this?

You and me are gonna
get weird about race?

Do your Seinfeld.
Come... Nick, that's not...

Do your Seinfeld.
What's the deal with bananas?

I mean, they got
orange juice,

you got apple juice,
where's the banana juice?

(laughs):
I never thought of that.

Ah, boy.

'Cause you got orange juice,
you...

I love you,
but you're white, I'm black.

I understand
where she's coming from.

When I was a kid,
we used to run from the police.

Even if we did nothing wrong,
it was just out of habit.

Why haven't you ever told me?

COACH:
'Cause you'll never get it.

How long have you
been standing there?

Uh, right around, "Your mama
got a mouth on the back

of her neck,
and the bitch chew like this."

Now, that's Eddie!
I don't see the difference.

(laughs):
Hercules! Hercules! Hercules!

He's doing the laugh!
That's what I was doing.

(imitating Eddie Murphy's laugh)

Stop, Nick.

I honestly don't
see the difference.

As the only other black man
in this loft,

I feel like I should weigh in.

This issue

really hits home with me,

and I feel like
I have a lot of thoughts

and ideas that I need
to get off my chest.

Thank you, Coach.
But I'm hungry.

Man.
I skipped breakfast,
and lunch

is gonna be dumb as hell.

♪ Race talk snacks ♪

♪ Race talk snacks,
gotta get me ♪

♪ Some race talk snacks ♪

♪ Gonna be super
uncomfortable! ♪

So, KC...
Shh...

I just feel like...
Can't-can't weigh in.

I know, but I...
Can't weigh in.

I do have something I want
to say that's not a race...

Shh, don't.

I know what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna tell her the truth.

I'm a good guy;
that's all that matters.

That's what I was gonna say.
I want to make this...
No, no, no.

Shut it down, Nick.

Your mother got a mouth

on the back of her neck,
and she chews like this.

Murphy, Murphy, Murphy.

So the good news is
you can't see

the glitter anymore.
Great.

Well, what's the bad news?

You look like,

um... can't exactly
put my finger on it.

I look like the dead body
the police pull out of a lake.

That's how you describe it;
you look dead.

I don't want to look like
a dead boy.

I want to look like
a living boy.

Why are you calling yourself
a boy?

Because I'm freaking out!

(phone chiming)
Freaking...

Freaking out. Oh, no.

It's-it's Fawn.

(sighs)

Hey, Faw... hey, Fawn.

What the Jewish God
did you do?

In an attempt to look
less ghost-like,

I put on some bronzer,
but the bronzer

had glitter in it, and now...

You look like a wood carving
of yourself.

The press is here.

And single women have proven
to be less appealing to voters.

Fix it and get here now.

I am Fawn Moscato, and I will
not miss a photo opportunity!

Faw... Oh.

Fawn?

How about a fake beard?

Get some double-sided tape,

we can shave Winston's cat...

Okay, you know what, enough.

I cannot just stand here
and watch Fawn

treat you like
she's your pageant mom.

She needs to accept you
exactly how you are,

or you need to find
somebody that will.

'Cause I think you
are fine as is.

Damn it.

You know what, you're right.
I'm gonna go talk to her.

Can you drive though? I want
to fix my makeup in the car.

For me, not for her.

I don't want to
scare anybody. Ugh.

I think I'm drunk
from the face fumes.

I've never seen
so many strokes taken

on a single hole
in all of my life.

This has got to be
some kind of record.

Do you care to comment?

Hey!

Not bad! Look at her go!

The hole's behind you.

Thanks, Marty.

172!

Par was five.
I know, Marty.

You're the worst golfer
I've ever seen.

Look, I don't care
if I look stupid.

I didn't come here
to climb the ladder.

The only reason why I came here

was to get computers
for my students.

And that's the only reason
why I came: for the school.

I respect that.

I'll get you
those computers.

Really?!
Yes, I will.

In 2018, when the district
is fiscally solvent.

I'll... take that as a victory.

I support Vice Principal Day.

It is education

that will bring water
back to this city

and will rebuild
the middle class...

Don't let me
back down.

Don't worry, I will not.

You look...
so crazy right now.

You look like a doll boy.
A doll man.

I'm a d...
I'm a doll man.

A doll man who's about
to get his dignity back.

Let's beat China!

I'm Fawn Moscato!
(chuckles)

Oh!

(crowd cheers)
Oh.

(laughs):
I can't believe it.

Now, this ball is a symbol...

(crowd gasps)

...of the unity...

MAN:
Wow!

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Fawn, Fawn, Fawn, Fawn,
Fawn, Fawn, Fawn.

What? What's going on?
You're not wearing any, uh...

Each one's like a snowflake.

What do you mean there's a meme?

It speaks?

Well, what does it say?

Oh, well, that is just crass.

Yes, I know I wanted
a more accessible Web pr...

Will you stop laughing, Lou?

You're a father!

You're my father!

(gasps)

Oh, no, no, it's...

it's carpet cleaner.

You know, I thought I'd take
it right down to the base.

I'll probably have to regrow
some skin, but it's all right.

It's okay, Schmidt.

Look, I understand if you want
to break up with me.

I'm a laughingstock,

and you shouldn't be associated
with my brand.

Which is tainted.

An unfortunate choice of words.

So, what was it you wanted
to say to me?

Fawn, I don't want to
break up with you.

I like you just the
way that you are.

No offense, but you're
terrifying to look at,

and you smell like
a chemical fire.

Taint that the truth?

Yeah.
Did you see what
I did there?

I just...'Cause you did
it, then I...
It was too...
too soon. It's too soon.

I wanted you to feel good
about when you said it though.
Okay.

KC?

So...

um... this is the real me.

I'm proud of what
I do, I really am.

I work with a lot
of great people,

and I want to be
one of them.

Plus, if there are
ever Ghostbusters,

I know they're gonna recruit
from law enforcement first.

I know you're mad at me.

I just came to say that.

I'm not mad
that you're a cop.

I'm mad that you lied.

Well, tell you what,

uh, is there any way I
could take you out again

and, you know, uh,
be so honest with you

that it scares the
hell out of you?

I don't know.

That uniform is kind of
distracting, isn't it?

Maybe you should... take it off.

(laughs)

You lied and said
you were a stripper;

it seems like
the fair thing to do.

(dance music playing)

Just in front of
all these people?

In front of
your colleagues?
(man whoops)

Oh, okay. I hear
some "whoos!"

(whoops)

You ain't got
no Ginuwine or nothing?

Seriously though,
I'm... I'm...

I really am a police officer.
It's...

I can't really be here
stripping for... you!

(whoops)

It's a clip-on, ladies.

And it's on the ground.
Here we go.

Uh-huh, I want y'all to
get y'all ones ready.

I wear my underwear
two sizes too big.

(laughing)

(grunts, mutters)

This is a... this is a thing.

This is a thing I got to do
in order to get my belt off.