New Girl (2011–2018): Season 4, Episode 17 - Spiderhunt - full transcript
Schmidt invites his girlfriend over for Nick's famous sauce. Jess tries to figure out who CeCe likes and Winston tries to keep it a secret.
(liquid bubbling)
(timer dings)
All right, clockwise, honey.
Don't fight it.
Let me make you.
What... is that?
This is the only thing us
Miller men know how to make.
And we call it The Sauce.
It stinks.
- It doesn't stink.
Fawn is coming over
for a midnight fondue supper.
There's no chocolate
or cheese on this earth
that makes a cube of bread pop
like The Sauce.
Your girlfriend's coming
over for the first time,
and you asked
Nick to cook?
True, normally food à la Nick
would be less appealing to me
than licking the floor
of a beach bathroom.
But I want Fawn
to have the best,
and The Sauce is the best.
Good for you-- when you said
"Fawn" and then "fondue,"
I definitely thought you were
headed in the direction of--
Step one: fondue.
Step two: do Fawn.
That's not bad.
Yeah, and I was like,
"Fondue is Fawn done."
(snickers)
Th-These are all good.
Hey, has anybody
heard from Cece?
'Cause she hasn't
answered any of my texts,
and I'm starting
to get worried.
Jess is starting
to find your behavior...
"suspicious."
That's a police word.
It's not a police word, Winston.
It's a very common word.
And you know
why I'm keeping my distance.
I like Schmidt.
For the second time!
I know how many times.
Ah. Ah.
If you could see
my face right now,
I'm smiling,
and I'm saying, "Ah."
And if Jess finds out, she's
gonna want to get involved,
and I don't want her involved
because there's nothing
that she can do.
Look, if you act suspicious,
then she's gonna be suspicious,
all right?
Look, don't slink
your head in the dumps.
You got to raise your hand
with the sunshine
wh-where people walk, you know?
Because that's what
the whole point of the...
when the... (stammers)
if you can lead 'em to water,
but you can't make
a sound, right?
Look, just call her.
Fine, okay, I'll call her.
But... and listen to me,
she cannot find out.
Under no circumstance.
Okay, baby.
Look, your secret is safe
with me.
That being said,
I am not a smooth man.
Yeah, I get that.
Did I do something
to piss Cece off?
Oh, Schmidt, you have
something on your pants.
Ah! It's a spider!
- (shrieks)
Jess, why did you do that?
You know how he gets--
he turns into
a cartoon elephant
of yesteryear
who just saw a mouse.
Which is offensive
in present day
'cause it seems like
a gay stereotype
they tried to sneak by us.
(imitates elephant trumpeting)
(with lisp):
"Where's my balance ball?
There's a mouse loose
in the house."
SCHMIDT: Where is it?
We've got to hunt it down.
We got to have
a spiderhunt.
We're not having one of those.
No, dude, no more spiderhunts.
Guys, they're all over me!
This is childish, and
you need to get over it.
Jess, would you please?
You know this fear comes
from a very real
place-- 1999.
American Pie was
sweeping the nation.
And everybody was
doing it with pies.
I just happened to accidentally
fall asleep right afterwards.
And when I awoke,
the dried
apple filling was...
it just had attracted
so many spiders,
and they were
all over it, and I...
Okay, everyone was
doing it with pies?
Well, Y2K was an uncertain time.
I don't know "everyone," Jess.
I might have dabbled.
Fawn can't see me
like this.
- Fawn won't care.
Jess, I'm embarrassed...
for her to see me in this state.
You're fine...
It's embarrassing--
just a little spider!
- You're fine.
And there it is!
I just saw it!
Get off the table.
We'll do the spiderhunt.
Fawn can't see
you like this.
- There it is!
It's right there--
it's licking it's lips.
So I'm finally e-mailing
that girl, May.
- Nice.
Here's what
I got so far.
- Mm-hmm.
"Dear May.
Lay down on me."
Well, th-then what?
You met this woman weeks ago--
I can't believe
you haven't e-mailed her.
Just text her.
COACH: If I had her number,
I would text her.
She gave me her e-mail.
And now I have to
write how I feel.
Which is weird,
it's like...
I-I like her. Much.
You like her much?
All right.
"Girl, it's warm today.
"Yesterday
was warm, too.
Yeah."
Yeah, I'm gonna
write, "Yeah."
You're happy about this?
Damn it, no, it
doesn't feel right.
Yeah, just hold it down,
hold it down.
Okay, you guys
know the drill.
We split up into teams,
and we hunt this spider.
Why can't we just call
an exterminator?
- Yes.
They've all blocked
Schmidt's calls
since the dandelion incident.
It moved like
a spider, Nick!
(cell phone ringing)
(gasps)
I don't know a Cece.
(chuckles) Yeah, I do.
How the hell are you?
Jess, please, hurry
up, we're on a hunt!
It could be right
above our heads right now.
Hanging from its butt-rope.
Come over.
I can't.
Why not?
Did I do something?
Are we in another purse thing
that I don't know about?
No, no, Jess,
of course it's not you.
It would just be...
...an honor.
I'll be right there.
Great, wear shoes that you don't
mind getting spider guts on.
Bye.
So...
what's going
on with Cece?
Well, I had to beg her
like a nerd,
but she's finally
coming over.
Oh, she's coming over?
- Yeah.
Good, man.
Took a lot of cajoling.
That's cool.
Normally, it's like,
she'll come over all the time.
But now it's diff...
I don't know why
that would be
the case at all,
but that's cool-- I respect the
decision for her to come over.
Why are you acting weird?
I'm acting weird?
Mm.
- Do you know something?
Do...?
You... I'm not
a smooth man.
Is she mad at someone?
Ah... no.
No.
No, she's not
mad at anyone.
It's the opposite.
Mm.
It's the opposite?
- That's not
what I said.
You said, "No, no,
she's not mad at anyone.
It's the opposite."
I said, "Whoa, whoa.
"Cheese is bad e'ryone.
Let's stop and spit."
The opposite of mad is...
(gasps)
Does she like someone?
What would make you
assume that would be...?
I can hear it.
I can hear it
building its house.
Building its sticky,
deadly house
that you can never leave.
Building it.
With its ass.
We're breaking up
into two-person teams.
Cece.
Each team has one Smusher
and one Jar-Man.
Nick, I'm gonna make you a
Smusher since you have to stir.
Hey, am I stirring right now?
Or is my arm still
and the world is stirring?
Coach, you're a Jar-Man.
Mm.
- You're with Schmidt.
Cece, with your delicate little
hands, you're a born Jar-Man.
Okay.
Which means I need to pair
you up with a Smusher.
I smush.
That'd be me.
Smusher for life.
- You're such
a Jar-Man.
You don't even know
you're a Jar-Man, Jar-Man.
Yeah, you are.
You're a born J-man.
Come on, Winston.
Uh, Cece.
- Yeah.
Before we get started,
you want to have a quick
Jar-Man strategy
session?
A little Jar-Jar
strat sesh?
Are you winking or farting?
The only strategy is: find
the spider, kill the spider,
mount the spider's head
on top of the roof
so all the other
spiders know.
All right. And spiderhunt!
Spiderhunt!
- Spiderhunt!
You find that thing...
...you-you make sure that
it's done.
- That's extreme.
That's...
Okay.
Hey, what do you think Jess
and Cece are talking about?
Uh, probably that stupid
movie theater popcorn machine
that Cece wants me
to get for the bar.
She keeps haranguing me
about it.
"Popcorn machine,
popcorn machine."
Look, I don't know what void
Cece's trying to fill
in her life...
I don't know, either.
Why would I know?
I don't know what void
she's trying to fill.
It's all she wants
to talk about.
- Oh.
Stupid movie theater
popcorn machine.
I'm like, "Shut up, dude."
(timer dings)
You put bologna
in your Bolognese?
Where else would
it get its name?
Trick question-- it gets it
from the mayonnaise.
(chuckling):
Yeah, yeah.
You got it.
Do you think a good subject
line is "The Inside of You"?
Hey, you know,
I bet I could spot this spider
a lot better
if I was on your shoulders.
Do not ask me again
to get on my shoulders.
That's
a once-a-year thing,
and you already used it
on Halloween,
when we were ten-foot-tall
Ralph Macchio.
(elevator bell dings)
SCHMIDT:
Ow! Damn it!
That was cool.
I didn't like that.
I could feel
your genitals
on the back of my neck
like an airplane pillow.
Okay, you know what?
How about this?
I'm not sure why he did it
but I sure am glad
that God rearranged
the letters in "yam" to...
create something even sweeter.
What?
May.
Oh, May, yeah.
Yeah, all right.
Keep going, keep going.
Oh, dear God.
It's left the web to feed.
All right, I'll put that.
Seems like a weird thing to say.
CECE: Lots of bars
have popcorn machines.
I really think that
people would dig it.
They're not that expensive,
and everybody loves
fresh popcorn.
Do you like somebody
in the loft?
Winston.
Okay, what did
he tell you?
He told me you like someone
but he won't name names.
Is it Schmidt?
Do you like Schmidt again?
No. No, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no.
Absolutely not. No.
Who is it then? Who?
I want to tell you.
I want to tell you so,
like, so badly--
you know me--
I want to tell you
so bad, I just, um,
I'm very sorry, but I can't.
Right, right, right, right,
you can't tell anybody,
except freaking Winston!
That slow puzzler!
I know.
I'm lower down on the food chain
than Officer Cat Fancy?!
No!
No. No, no, no, no.
It's just I know
that you would do
anything to help me,
and in this situation,
you know, there's just
nothing to be done.
And we both know that
you would just want
to get involved.
Well, I can stay uninvolved.
I want to tell you, but I can't.
I just can't.
Okay. That's fine.
- Okay.
That's cool, that's cool.
New teams!
You have to tell me
who she likes.
There are no secrets
between Jar-Man and Smusher.
Please.
She's my best friend.
You have to tell me.
Okay.
Look, Jess...
she likes me.
It's me she wants.
(both laughing)
Not even for a second.
I thought I was convincing.
- Yeah.
I need you to close
your eyes and taste it.
Okay.
Oh...
Oh, Nick.
It's legit terrible.
Well, you taste for texture
not taste, you big old...
Not really what I was
looking for at this stage.
Definitely affects
my confidence.
(gasps)
Wait. Wait!
The only person that Cece
could like that she wouldn't
want to tell me about...
is Nick.
Uh...
Does Cece like Nick?
Does Cece like...?
JESS:
Oh, my...
No...
you guessed it.
How you did that?
Oh, my God. My ex-boyfriend
and my best friend?
(groans)
I feel like Brenda
when Kelly dated Dylan!
Or the other way around.
Now, I know those
are the characters
from the original 90210.
But that's about my ceiling.
Dylan-- was his nickname
the Peach Pit?
'Cause I remember...
I remember that being
a whole thing.
I'm sorry,
I'm a little wound up.
You should be wound up
because the Peach Pit used
to be yours, but now
Brenda want a slice.
Everybody trying to get
a slice of that Peach Pit.
You have every right
to be mad,
Jess, but just do it quietly.
You know, just do it on
the low, do it in here.
30 seconds, and you haven't
brought up the popcorn machine.
Yeah, well, I guess
I'm just gonna have to drop it.
You know, even Jess didn't
want to hear about it,
and she'll listen to Schmidt
discussing Andy Cohen
discussing Bethenny
discussing NeNe.
Well, great, I'm glad
that's behind us.
Yeah.
Now let's never speak of
popcorn machines again.
Cece and Nick?
Cece likes Nick?
Cece likes Nick?
I mean,
I guess I understand it
'cause they're
at the bar together,
and once you start
sharing tips,
where does the sharing end?
Look...
Jess, it's not
that big of a deal.
Because we all just cats and
dogs at the end of the day.
What about Schmidt?
Schmidt's Nick's best friend,
and Schmidt and Cece
have a history.
Look at the memory on you.
I'm gonna have to help
Schmidt through this.
No, no, no, no, no.
Look, Jess, you can't talk to
Schmidt about Cece liking Nick.
Come on.
- No, you're right.
I have to talk to Cece first.
Right, you got to talk to Ce...
No, wait, no. No, no, no, no,
no, no, no.
Jess, you can't talk to Cece
because Cece,
you know, and Nick,
they just won't work.
'Cause I was talking to Nick.
He said, "Winston." I was like,
"What's up, Nick?" He said...
What?
He said she ugly.
He said what?!
He said she look like
a dang ol' meatball with hair.
New teams!
JESS:
You know who's great?
Cece.
- One of our finest.
Lovely woman.
And she has so much to offer.
Is that what this is about?
She sends you
to sell me on it?
No, Nick. She doesn't know
I'm talking to you at all. Wait.
You guys have talked about it?
All the time.
But I thought
she and I had come
to a decision.
Which is?
It's not happening.
Well, why not?
'Cause I'm not interested.
And I know it's not cool
to say, but...
I don't like the way
it would look.
People are gonna say
what they're gonna say.
They're not reasons
not to go through with it.
Fine. You want to know
my biggest concern?
My biggest concern
is the smell.
The smell?
The smell of it.
Yeah, and it's not
Cece's fault.
I mean, they all smell.
I've told her that.
You told Cece
you think all women...
Don't make this
a feminist thing...
It... I'm not making
it a feminist thing.
How? They smell terrible.
It's common knowledge.
I thought your biggest
concern would be
how it affected
the people around you.
I mean, sure, a bunch of
old drunks will grab at it...
But if your biggest
concern is the smell,
I'm sure that's
highly manageable.
Yeah, I guess there's, like,
special solvents and soaps.
I-I haven't read up on it
that much.
You know, but you got to really
get in there and scrub it out.
It's disgusting.
You know, 'cause of the daily
wear and tear and... oil
and grease just cooking
in there.
It's enough to make
a man barf thinking about it.
I mean, they get really hot.
I know what
temperature it gets.
But if I'm being honest,
you know--
and I haven't talked to her
about this-- but...
I do have good memories
associated with the smell.
Ball games, the circus,
hanging with my dad.
Listen here, you idiot.
I've known Cece
a very long time,
and I can promise you
the smell will not be a problem.
That's really easy
for you to say 'cause you're not
the one who's gonna have
to remind her
to clean it all the time.
I promise you,
if it becomes a problem,
I will remind her.
- Well,
if you remind her
and she doesn't do it,
I don't want you sneaking around
and cleaning it yourself.
(scoffs)
Nick.
I'm a good friend, but I am
not that good of a friend.
"...that a dream house
is a house,
but a dreamboat
is a person."
I mean, it does
speak to the soul.
Hey, what are these?
I've always wondered.
Those are grapes.
- Uh, they're
our glass grapes, bro.
Grapes?
- Brings the whole,
like, room together.
What the hell they
doing in the loft?
Cece, um, do ladies have loins?
You know, it's like I've never
looked around this house before.
Skimboards, a boxing glove.
Who in this loft has been
to a single Coachella,
let alone six of them?
Don't tell Cece
that we talked.
She doesn't want me
getting involved.
Of course she does,
she just didn't think
you were
into the idea, okay?
She really values
your opinion.
What if you
guys had a r...
a r-real talk?
You know, outside
of the bar.
All right.
We'll talk, just the two
of us, outside the bar.
I'm proud of you, Nick.
Just make sure
she makes her case
about facts and figures.
And no more of this,
"Come on, Nick,
it tastes so yummy" crap.
New teams!
♪ I want to do something freaky
to you... ♪
♪ ♪
No one can resist
my "Get Frisky" playlist, guys.
Just give in.
Give in.
I support it.
"To whom it may concern."
That's good.
I like that.
Wait a minute, is your e-mail
address owwMeSoErnie@coolidge?
Still?
Yeah, man. Picked it in college.
It's just gonna follow me from
job to job, ISP to ISP.
We've been everywhere
together, brotha.
Never done .org or a .gov.
- Oh.
I would never do that.
- Right.
But every other damn domain.
You can't e-mail a girl like May
from an e-mail address like
owwMeSoErnie.
Although, you did got a job
at a school, so what do I know?
I must really like
this girl, huh?
Okay, it says here,
we need "a murder
of peppercorn," and a...
and "some of that flat
Jew bread"?
Miller family!
Murder is
over there.
(gasps)
♪ ♪
It could be something
really beautiful,
and you-you won't know
unless you try.
Okay! Jess!
You don't have to
trap me in your room.
We will, on a trial basis,
rent a popcorn machine.
Okay?
(sniffing)
Something's wrong
with my Sauce.
My Sauce!
Hey.
Hey.
You...?
- I...
With him?
♪ Good times! ♪
Winston.
Wh-Where'd it go?
How long has this been
unstirred?!
40 seconds. 45 tops.
Is it 40 or 45?
Spider!
(yelling)
Schmidt! Schmidt!
- Whoa!
Come on, man!
- No! Aah!
(yelling)
- Hey! Hey!
Hey, it's gone.
- Get him!
It's gone. It's gone. It's gone.
It can't hurt you.
It can't hurt you.
Where is... where is the body?!
He was headed straight
for The Sauce!
Can you imagine how powerful
that spider would've become
had he entered my Sauce?
Did I break it?
You sent all 15 drafts
of my e-mail to May.
She's gonna think I'm crazy.
WINSTON:
Way I see it,
we got two options.
- (sighs)
All right, well, what are
the two options, man?
I mean, you know, just, you
got to just dive in, you know?
No, you don't have any options.
I don't have any options.
Sometimes you don't
have to talk.
I'm really sorry, Coach.
I-I'll make it up to you.
But the good news is,
is we got that spider, huh?
Don't have to worry
about that thing anymore.
What? What are you guys trying
to tell me?
So, it is Schmidt?
Yeah.
I'm sorry I didn't
tell you, but...
No, it's okay. It's okay.
Look, I promise
I won't tell him.
Nobody's gonna tell him.
- Okay.
NICK:
Hey, somebody tell him.
You tell him, but easy.
Tell him.
COACH: I don't want to tell
him, dude. You tell him.
We're all his best
friends. Tell him.
I think I'm pretty good
with it now.
Hey, Schmidt, I...
I mean, spiders and all.
NICK: Tell him!
WINSTON:
I don't want to tell him.
NICK:
Somebody just tell him!
Guys, just tell me.
You're being so
dramatic right now.
You have a spider on your face.
What are you talking about?
(loud, high-pitched screaming)
SCHMIDT (high-pitched scream):
I touched it!
Get it off!
- Okay.
Oh!
Don't touch me!
- (urgent chatter)
Don't touch me!
Get it off! Get it off of me!
Get it away from me!
Get it off!
Get it off!
- Hey, hey, the spider.
Get it off! Don't touch!
Hello.
Don't touch!
Get it off of me!
Get it...!
Schmidt.
Hold still.
- COACH: Aah!
Oh! Oh!
WINSTON:
Oh...
SCHMIDT:
Ah!
What's up now, spider?
Vote Moscato!
(laughing):
Well, it can't hear you.
But, seriously,
vote Moscato.
So, that guy, huh?
Yeah. Can you blame me?
He's perfect.
FAWN: And when is dinner?
Is it, um...?
NICK: The Sauce! Sauce.
The Sauce.
Yeah. 'Cause Fawn's hungry.
COACH: My e-mails.
I'm about to pick you up
with a tissue like you
wouldn't believe!
So, what's the plan?
Jess.
- I'm gonna pick you up
with a tissue so hard!
He's happy.
He has a girlfriend.
SCHMIDT:
Yeah, spi-spider!
I know, but it's you,
and Fawn kind of scares me.
Let this be a warning
to all your other little, uh,
spider friends
hiding out, too.
(Schmidt continues)
I know that would do
anything for anybody,
but right now,
I just need you to...
be there for me and
hold my hand, okay?
That's all.
Little half-insects,
half-lobsters.
Ah...
I really want to do something.
Don't go up the spout if you
can't handle the rain, s-spider!
Okay, well,
you've done it.
The perfect burn
of the dead bug.
Yeah, that's right.
- Now stop.
(quietly): Okay.
The Sauce is
shockingly great.
FAWN:
This tastes
like the inside of a bear,
and that is a compliment,
my friend.
SCHMIDT:
All right.
(phone vibrates)
I... Oh.
Oh. May responded to my e-mails.
"I appreciate how much effort
you put into these.
I'd love to go out."
Hey.
- Great.
All right.
There you go.
- Yeah!
Uh, you're welcome.
This is great guys, right?
To Fawn.
- Oh.
SCHMIDT:
A woman who likes me
not in spite,
but because of my flaws.
I do like you.
But I hate your flaws.
And to all my friends.
In the spiderhunt of life...
...I sure am glad
that we're a team of six.
Cheers!
- Hey! Hey!
To those who...
Okay. No, that's good.
And thank you.
Thank you. Thank you.
COACH:
All right, here we go.
SCHMIDT: Ow.
Oh.
Yeah, sweep the leg, Johnny.
Ow.
Ah...
Okay. Okay.
COACH: All right.
Get off of me!
(timer dings)
All right, clockwise, honey.
Don't fight it.
Let me make you.
What... is that?
This is the only thing us
Miller men know how to make.
And we call it The Sauce.
It stinks.
- It doesn't stink.
Fawn is coming over
for a midnight fondue supper.
There's no chocolate
or cheese on this earth
that makes a cube of bread pop
like The Sauce.
Your girlfriend's coming
over for the first time,
and you asked
Nick to cook?
True, normally food à la Nick
would be less appealing to me
than licking the floor
of a beach bathroom.
But I want Fawn
to have the best,
and The Sauce is the best.
Good for you-- when you said
"Fawn" and then "fondue,"
I definitely thought you were
headed in the direction of--
Step one: fondue.
Step two: do Fawn.
That's not bad.
Yeah, and I was like,
"Fondue is Fawn done."
(snickers)
Th-These are all good.
Hey, has anybody
heard from Cece?
'Cause she hasn't
answered any of my texts,
and I'm starting
to get worried.
Jess is starting
to find your behavior...
"suspicious."
That's a police word.
It's not a police word, Winston.
It's a very common word.
And you know
why I'm keeping my distance.
I like Schmidt.
For the second time!
I know how many times.
Ah. Ah.
If you could see
my face right now,
I'm smiling,
and I'm saying, "Ah."
And if Jess finds out, she's
gonna want to get involved,
and I don't want her involved
because there's nothing
that she can do.
Look, if you act suspicious,
then she's gonna be suspicious,
all right?
Look, don't slink
your head in the dumps.
You got to raise your hand
with the sunshine
wh-where people walk, you know?
Because that's what
the whole point of the...
when the... (stammers)
if you can lead 'em to water,
but you can't make
a sound, right?
Look, just call her.
Fine, okay, I'll call her.
But... and listen to me,
she cannot find out.
Under no circumstance.
Okay, baby.
Look, your secret is safe
with me.
That being said,
I am not a smooth man.
Yeah, I get that.
Did I do something
to piss Cece off?
Oh, Schmidt, you have
something on your pants.
Ah! It's a spider!
- (shrieks)
Jess, why did you do that?
You know how he gets--
he turns into
a cartoon elephant
of yesteryear
who just saw a mouse.
Which is offensive
in present day
'cause it seems like
a gay stereotype
they tried to sneak by us.
(imitates elephant trumpeting)
(with lisp):
"Where's my balance ball?
There's a mouse loose
in the house."
SCHMIDT: Where is it?
We've got to hunt it down.
We got to have
a spiderhunt.
We're not having one of those.
No, dude, no more spiderhunts.
Guys, they're all over me!
This is childish, and
you need to get over it.
Jess, would you please?
You know this fear comes
from a very real
place-- 1999.
American Pie was
sweeping the nation.
And everybody was
doing it with pies.
I just happened to accidentally
fall asleep right afterwards.
And when I awoke,
the dried
apple filling was...
it just had attracted
so many spiders,
and they were
all over it, and I...
Okay, everyone was
doing it with pies?
Well, Y2K was an uncertain time.
I don't know "everyone," Jess.
I might have dabbled.
Fawn can't see me
like this.
- Fawn won't care.
Jess, I'm embarrassed...
for her to see me in this state.
You're fine...
It's embarrassing--
just a little spider!
- You're fine.
And there it is!
I just saw it!
Get off the table.
We'll do the spiderhunt.
Fawn can't see
you like this.
- There it is!
It's right there--
it's licking it's lips.
So I'm finally e-mailing
that girl, May.
- Nice.
Here's what
I got so far.
- Mm-hmm.
"Dear May.
Lay down on me."
Well, th-then what?
You met this woman weeks ago--
I can't believe
you haven't e-mailed her.
Just text her.
COACH: If I had her number,
I would text her.
She gave me her e-mail.
And now I have to
write how I feel.
Which is weird,
it's like...
I-I like her. Much.
You like her much?
All right.
"Girl, it's warm today.
"Yesterday
was warm, too.
Yeah."
Yeah, I'm gonna
write, "Yeah."
You're happy about this?
Damn it, no, it
doesn't feel right.
Yeah, just hold it down,
hold it down.
Okay, you guys
know the drill.
We split up into teams,
and we hunt this spider.
Why can't we just call
an exterminator?
- Yes.
They've all blocked
Schmidt's calls
since the dandelion incident.
It moved like
a spider, Nick!
(cell phone ringing)
(gasps)
I don't know a Cece.
(chuckles) Yeah, I do.
How the hell are you?
Jess, please, hurry
up, we're on a hunt!
It could be right
above our heads right now.
Hanging from its butt-rope.
Come over.
I can't.
Why not?
Did I do something?
Are we in another purse thing
that I don't know about?
No, no, Jess,
of course it's not you.
It would just be...
...an honor.
I'll be right there.
Great, wear shoes that you don't
mind getting spider guts on.
Bye.
So...
what's going
on with Cece?
Well, I had to beg her
like a nerd,
but she's finally
coming over.
Oh, she's coming over?
- Yeah.
Good, man.
Took a lot of cajoling.
That's cool.
Normally, it's like,
she'll come over all the time.
But now it's diff...
I don't know why
that would be
the case at all,
but that's cool-- I respect the
decision for her to come over.
Why are you acting weird?
I'm acting weird?
Mm.
- Do you know something?
Do...?
You... I'm not
a smooth man.
Is she mad at someone?
Ah... no.
No.
No, she's not
mad at anyone.
It's the opposite.
Mm.
It's the opposite?
- That's not
what I said.
You said, "No, no,
she's not mad at anyone.
It's the opposite."
I said, "Whoa, whoa.
"Cheese is bad e'ryone.
Let's stop and spit."
The opposite of mad is...
(gasps)
Does she like someone?
What would make you
assume that would be...?
I can hear it.
I can hear it
building its house.
Building its sticky,
deadly house
that you can never leave.
Building it.
With its ass.
We're breaking up
into two-person teams.
Cece.
Each team has one Smusher
and one Jar-Man.
Nick, I'm gonna make you a
Smusher since you have to stir.
Hey, am I stirring right now?
Or is my arm still
and the world is stirring?
Coach, you're a Jar-Man.
Mm.
- You're with Schmidt.
Cece, with your delicate little
hands, you're a born Jar-Man.
Okay.
Which means I need to pair
you up with a Smusher.
I smush.
That'd be me.
Smusher for life.
- You're such
a Jar-Man.
You don't even know
you're a Jar-Man, Jar-Man.
Yeah, you are.
You're a born J-man.
Come on, Winston.
Uh, Cece.
- Yeah.
Before we get started,
you want to have a quick
Jar-Man strategy
session?
A little Jar-Jar
strat sesh?
Are you winking or farting?
The only strategy is: find
the spider, kill the spider,
mount the spider's head
on top of the roof
so all the other
spiders know.
All right. And spiderhunt!
Spiderhunt!
- Spiderhunt!
You find that thing...
...you-you make sure that
it's done.
- That's extreme.
That's...
Okay.
Hey, what do you think Jess
and Cece are talking about?
Uh, probably that stupid
movie theater popcorn machine
that Cece wants me
to get for the bar.
She keeps haranguing me
about it.
"Popcorn machine,
popcorn machine."
Look, I don't know what void
Cece's trying to fill
in her life...
I don't know, either.
Why would I know?
I don't know what void
she's trying to fill.
It's all she wants
to talk about.
- Oh.
Stupid movie theater
popcorn machine.
I'm like, "Shut up, dude."
(timer dings)
You put bologna
in your Bolognese?
Where else would
it get its name?
Trick question-- it gets it
from the mayonnaise.
(chuckling):
Yeah, yeah.
You got it.
Do you think a good subject
line is "The Inside of You"?
Hey, you know,
I bet I could spot this spider
a lot better
if I was on your shoulders.
Do not ask me again
to get on my shoulders.
That's
a once-a-year thing,
and you already used it
on Halloween,
when we were ten-foot-tall
Ralph Macchio.
(elevator bell dings)
SCHMIDT:
Ow! Damn it!
That was cool.
I didn't like that.
I could feel
your genitals
on the back of my neck
like an airplane pillow.
Okay, you know what?
How about this?
I'm not sure why he did it
but I sure am glad
that God rearranged
the letters in "yam" to...
create something even sweeter.
What?
May.
Oh, May, yeah.
Yeah, all right.
Keep going, keep going.
Oh, dear God.
It's left the web to feed.
All right, I'll put that.
Seems like a weird thing to say.
CECE: Lots of bars
have popcorn machines.
I really think that
people would dig it.
They're not that expensive,
and everybody loves
fresh popcorn.
Do you like somebody
in the loft?
Winston.
Okay, what did
he tell you?
He told me you like someone
but he won't name names.
Is it Schmidt?
Do you like Schmidt again?
No. No, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no.
Absolutely not. No.
Who is it then? Who?
I want to tell you.
I want to tell you so,
like, so badly--
you know me--
I want to tell you
so bad, I just, um,
I'm very sorry, but I can't.
Right, right, right, right,
you can't tell anybody,
except freaking Winston!
That slow puzzler!
I know.
I'm lower down on the food chain
than Officer Cat Fancy?!
No!
No. No, no, no, no.
It's just I know
that you would do
anything to help me,
and in this situation,
you know, there's just
nothing to be done.
And we both know that
you would just want
to get involved.
Well, I can stay uninvolved.
I want to tell you, but I can't.
I just can't.
Okay. That's fine.
- Okay.
That's cool, that's cool.
New teams!
You have to tell me
who she likes.
There are no secrets
between Jar-Man and Smusher.
Please.
She's my best friend.
You have to tell me.
Okay.
Look, Jess...
she likes me.
It's me she wants.
(both laughing)
Not even for a second.
I thought I was convincing.
- Yeah.
I need you to close
your eyes and taste it.
Okay.
Oh...
Oh, Nick.
It's legit terrible.
Well, you taste for texture
not taste, you big old...
Not really what I was
looking for at this stage.
Definitely affects
my confidence.
(gasps)
Wait. Wait!
The only person that Cece
could like that she wouldn't
want to tell me about...
is Nick.
Uh...
Does Cece like Nick?
Does Cece like...?
JESS:
Oh, my...
No...
you guessed it.
How you did that?
Oh, my God. My ex-boyfriend
and my best friend?
(groans)
I feel like Brenda
when Kelly dated Dylan!
Or the other way around.
Now, I know those
are the characters
from the original 90210.
But that's about my ceiling.
Dylan-- was his nickname
the Peach Pit?
'Cause I remember...
I remember that being
a whole thing.
I'm sorry,
I'm a little wound up.
You should be wound up
because the Peach Pit used
to be yours, but now
Brenda want a slice.
Everybody trying to get
a slice of that Peach Pit.
You have every right
to be mad,
Jess, but just do it quietly.
You know, just do it on
the low, do it in here.
30 seconds, and you haven't
brought up the popcorn machine.
Yeah, well, I guess
I'm just gonna have to drop it.
You know, even Jess didn't
want to hear about it,
and she'll listen to Schmidt
discussing Andy Cohen
discussing Bethenny
discussing NeNe.
Well, great, I'm glad
that's behind us.
Yeah.
Now let's never speak of
popcorn machines again.
Cece and Nick?
Cece likes Nick?
Cece likes Nick?
I mean,
I guess I understand it
'cause they're
at the bar together,
and once you start
sharing tips,
where does the sharing end?
Look...
Jess, it's not
that big of a deal.
Because we all just cats and
dogs at the end of the day.
What about Schmidt?
Schmidt's Nick's best friend,
and Schmidt and Cece
have a history.
Look at the memory on you.
I'm gonna have to help
Schmidt through this.
No, no, no, no, no.
Look, Jess, you can't talk to
Schmidt about Cece liking Nick.
Come on.
- No, you're right.
I have to talk to Cece first.
Right, you got to talk to Ce...
No, wait, no. No, no, no, no,
no, no, no.
Jess, you can't talk to Cece
because Cece,
you know, and Nick,
they just won't work.
'Cause I was talking to Nick.
He said, "Winston." I was like,
"What's up, Nick?" He said...
What?
He said she ugly.
He said what?!
He said she look like
a dang ol' meatball with hair.
New teams!
JESS:
You know who's great?
Cece.
- One of our finest.
Lovely woman.
And she has so much to offer.
Is that what this is about?
She sends you
to sell me on it?
No, Nick. She doesn't know
I'm talking to you at all. Wait.
You guys have talked about it?
All the time.
But I thought
she and I had come
to a decision.
Which is?
It's not happening.
Well, why not?
'Cause I'm not interested.
And I know it's not cool
to say, but...
I don't like the way
it would look.
People are gonna say
what they're gonna say.
They're not reasons
not to go through with it.
Fine. You want to know
my biggest concern?
My biggest concern
is the smell.
The smell?
The smell of it.
Yeah, and it's not
Cece's fault.
I mean, they all smell.
I've told her that.
You told Cece
you think all women...
Don't make this
a feminist thing...
It... I'm not making
it a feminist thing.
How? They smell terrible.
It's common knowledge.
I thought your biggest
concern would be
how it affected
the people around you.
I mean, sure, a bunch of
old drunks will grab at it...
But if your biggest
concern is the smell,
I'm sure that's
highly manageable.
Yeah, I guess there's, like,
special solvents and soaps.
I-I haven't read up on it
that much.
You know, but you got to really
get in there and scrub it out.
It's disgusting.
You know, 'cause of the daily
wear and tear and... oil
and grease just cooking
in there.
It's enough to make
a man barf thinking about it.
I mean, they get really hot.
I know what
temperature it gets.
But if I'm being honest,
you know--
and I haven't talked to her
about this-- but...
I do have good memories
associated with the smell.
Ball games, the circus,
hanging with my dad.
Listen here, you idiot.
I've known Cece
a very long time,
and I can promise you
the smell will not be a problem.
That's really easy
for you to say 'cause you're not
the one who's gonna have
to remind her
to clean it all the time.
I promise you,
if it becomes a problem,
I will remind her.
- Well,
if you remind her
and she doesn't do it,
I don't want you sneaking around
and cleaning it yourself.
(scoffs)
Nick.
I'm a good friend, but I am
not that good of a friend.
"...that a dream house
is a house,
but a dreamboat
is a person."
I mean, it does
speak to the soul.
Hey, what are these?
I've always wondered.
Those are grapes.
- Uh, they're
our glass grapes, bro.
Grapes?
- Brings the whole,
like, room together.
What the hell they
doing in the loft?
Cece, um, do ladies have loins?
You know, it's like I've never
looked around this house before.
Skimboards, a boxing glove.
Who in this loft has been
to a single Coachella,
let alone six of them?
Don't tell Cece
that we talked.
She doesn't want me
getting involved.
Of course she does,
she just didn't think
you were
into the idea, okay?
She really values
your opinion.
What if you
guys had a r...
a r-real talk?
You know, outside
of the bar.
All right.
We'll talk, just the two
of us, outside the bar.
I'm proud of you, Nick.
Just make sure
she makes her case
about facts and figures.
And no more of this,
"Come on, Nick,
it tastes so yummy" crap.
New teams!
♪ I want to do something freaky
to you... ♪
♪ ♪
No one can resist
my "Get Frisky" playlist, guys.
Just give in.
Give in.
I support it.
"To whom it may concern."
That's good.
I like that.
Wait a minute, is your e-mail
address owwMeSoErnie@coolidge?
Still?
Yeah, man. Picked it in college.
It's just gonna follow me from
job to job, ISP to ISP.
We've been everywhere
together, brotha.
Never done .org or a .gov.
- Oh.
I would never do that.
- Right.
But every other damn domain.
You can't e-mail a girl like May
from an e-mail address like
owwMeSoErnie.
Although, you did got a job
at a school, so what do I know?
I must really like
this girl, huh?
Okay, it says here,
we need "a murder
of peppercorn," and a...
and "some of that flat
Jew bread"?
Miller family!
Murder is
over there.
(gasps)
♪ ♪
It could be something
really beautiful,
and you-you won't know
unless you try.
Okay! Jess!
You don't have to
trap me in your room.
We will, on a trial basis,
rent a popcorn machine.
Okay?
(sniffing)
Something's wrong
with my Sauce.
My Sauce!
Hey.
Hey.
You...?
- I...
With him?
♪ Good times! ♪
Winston.
Wh-Where'd it go?
How long has this been
unstirred?!
40 seconds. 45 tops.
Is it 40 or 45?
Spider!
(yelling)
Schmidt! Schmidt!
- Whoa!
Come on, man!
- No! Aah!
(yelling)
- Hey! Hey!
Hey, it's gone.
- Get him!
It's gone. It's gone. It's gone.
It can't hurt you.
It can't hurt you.
Where is... where is the body?!
He was headed straight
for The Sauce!
Can you imagine how powerful
that spider would've become
had he entered my Sauce?
Did I break it?
You sent all 15 drafts
of my e-mail to May.
She's gonna think I'm crazy.
WINSTON:
Way I see it,
we got two options.
- (sighs)
All right, well, what are
the two options, man?
I mean, you know, just, you
got to just dive in, you know?
No, you don't have any options.
I don't have any options.
Sometimes you don't
have to talk.
I'm really sorry, Coach.
I-I'll make it up to you.
But the good news is,
is we got that spider, huh?
Don't have to worry
about that thing anymore.
What? What are you guys trying
to tell me?
So, it is Schmidt?
Yeah.
I'm sorry I didn't
tell you, but...
No, it's okay. It's okay.
Look, I promise
I won't tell him.
Nobody's gonna tell him.
- Okay.
NICK:
Hey, somebody tell him.
You tell him, but easy.
Tell him.
COACH: I don't want to tell
him, dude. You tell him.
We're all his best
friends. Tell him.
I think I'm pretty good
with it now.
Hey, Schmidt, I...
I mean, spiders and all.
NICK: Tell him!
WINSTON:
I don't want to tell him.
NICK:
Somebody just tell him!
Guys, just tell me.
You're being so
dramatic right now.
You have a spider on your face.
What are you talking about?
(loud, high-pitched screaming)
SCHMIDT (high-pitched scream):
I touched it!
Get it off!
- Okay.
Oh!
Don't touch me!
- (urgent chatter)
Don't touch me!
Get it off! Get it off of me!
Get it away from me!
Get it off!
Get it off!
- Hey, hey, the spider.
Get it off! Don't touch!
Hello.
Don't touch!
Get it off of me!
Get it...!
Schmidt.
Hold still.
- COACH: Aah!
Oh! Oh!
WINSTON:
Oh...
SCHMIDT:
Ah!
What's up now, spider?
Vote Moscato!
(laughing):
Well, it can't hear you.
But, seriously,
vote Moscato.
So, that guy, huh?
Yeah. Can you blame me?
He's perfect.
FAWN: And when is dinner?
Is it, um...?
NICK: The Sauce! Sauce.
The Sauce.
Yeah. 'Cause Fawn's hungry.
COACH: My e-mails.
I'm about to pick you up
with a tissue like you
wouldn't believe!
So, what's the plan?
Jess.
- I'm gonna pick you up
with a tissue so hard!
He's happy.
He has a girlfriend.
SCHMIDT:
Yeah, spi-spider!
I know, but it's you,
and Fawn kind of scares me.
Let this be a warning
to all your other little, uh,
spider friends
hiding out, too.
(Schmidt continues)
I know that would do
anything for anybody,
but right now,
I just need you to...
be there for me and
hold my hand, okay?
That's all.
Little half-insects,
half-lobsters.
Ah...
I really want to do something.
Don't go up the spout if you
can't handle the rain, s-spider!
Okay, well,
you've done it.
The perfect burn
of the dead bug.
Yeah, that's right.
- Now stop.
(quietly): Okay.
The Sauce is
shockingly great.
FAWN:
This tastes
like the inside of a bear,
and that is a compliment,
my friend.
SCHMIDT:
All right.
(phone vibrates)
I... Oh.
Oh. May responded to my e-mails.
"I appreciate how much effort
you put into these.
I'd love to go out."
Hey.
- Great.
All right.
There you go.
- Yeah!
Uh, you're welcome.
This is great guys, right?
To Fawn.
- Oh.
SCHMIDT:
A woman who likes me
not in spite,
but because of my flaws.
I do like you.
But I hate your flaws.
And to all my friends.
In the spiderhunt of life...
...I sure am glad
that we're a team of six.
Cheers!
- Hey! Hey!
To those who...
Okay. No, that's good.
And thank you.
Thank you. Thank you.
COACH:
All right, here we go.
SCHMIDT: Ow.
Oh.
Yeah, sweep the leg, Johnny.
Ow.
Ah...
Okay. Okay.
COACH: All right.
Get off of me!