New Girl (2011–2018): Season 4, Episode 16 - Oregon - full transcript

The guys and I are about
to leave for the airport,

and I'm so excited to see you.

- Is that Ryan?
- I can't wait for you to see my hometown.

It's going to be just like
An Affair to Remember,

only instead of the Empire State
Building on New Year's Eve,

it's going to be a winery
near the Portland airport

at my dad's wedding.

Anyway, I love you, I miss you.

- (Schmidt groans)
- Hello? Hello?

Sounds like I lost you for a minute!

(chuckles)



Are you there?!

Where's my widdle Eng-wish man?

And with that, Ryan walked
into the River Thames

and accepted death.

The joke's on you, 'cause I
wasn't even talking to him.

I was leaving a voice mail.

Haven't talked to him for a week.

Are you guys making a group face?

- No, we're not...
- No.

- Nah.
- Guys, look,

Ryan and I are great.

Really? 'Cause he doesn't call enough.

And when he does, it's in
the middle of the night.

Ryan didn't want to move to England,



he had to move to England.

For the last couple of weeks,

you've been keeping Nick
hours, and... and it's ugly.

Hey. Sorry.

I was talking to Ryan before he went to work

and I must have fallen asleep.

Friend to friend, am I wearing pants?

The situation isn't ideal,

however, long distance is super romantic.

Plus I don't have to shave my legs every day

which is a real plus.

You know, Fawn shaves herself

from toe to chin.

Every single day.

God, I love my girlfriend.

Hey. Oh, Cece.

CECE: Yeah, what? Huge news.

Jake Apex is coming to the wedding.

Jake Apex?

Who is Jake Apex?

Jake Apex is Cece's high school crush.

Never did anything for me,
but turned Cece to soup.

- Thanks.
- Mm. Yeah.

Is he one of them Portland hippies?

'Cause I hate them Portland hippies.

CECE: He is a legend.

Every time I spoke to him,

I'd have a full-blown tiny kid stroke.

Hey, killer.

I... d... uh... mm...

(sputters)

Yeah, well, I got a bad
feeling about this guy.

Why, because he's bomb and Cece wants some?

No. Other reasons.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I
have to go water my succulents.

How do you know Apex is so cute?

I just assumed.

Winston, stop with the look, okay?

Otherwise I will murder you

and clean up your blood with your cat.

All right? For the 50th
time, I do not like Schmidt.

Good luck finding my cat.

You know, I haven't seen him in weeks.

My best man suit.

Oh.

I'm my dad's best man.

He wanted a boy. My
middle name's Christopher.

Yeah.

♪ You're scheming on a
thing, that's sabotage ♪

♪ I can't stand it, I
know you planned it ♪

♪ I'm-a set it straight,
this Watergate... ♪

The Co-Pays are awesome.

I can't believe they're also pharmacists.

♪ I'm-a Buddy Rich when
I fly off the handle ♪

♪ What could it be? It's a mirage ♪

♪ You're scheming on a
thing, that's sabotage. ♪

MAN: That's really good.

(applauding, whooping)

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

This is a nice place.

I mean, it's not the best
vineyard in Portland.

- Here we go.
- That's Bartleby Cellars, of course.

How would you even know that?

Whenever Coach goes to a new city,

he learns all about it, like a real weirdo.

I was an army brat, all right?

I moved a lot. Assimilating was key.

Oh, and by the way,

calling somebody weird in Portland

is actually a compliment, so thank you, Nick.

Hey, oh.

It's just... Oh.

Sorry, I thought I heard my phone ringing.

Ryan's supposed to call me
before he gets on the plane.

- Oh! Sorry.
- Jess, just take your phone out.

No, Nick, I want to be here with you guys.

I want to... Sorry.

I just want to...

Sorry.

Does anybody else hear buzzing?

- No.
- No, 'cause it's not buzzing.

No, honey, but, you know, he's
going to be here soon, okay?

Yeah.

Are you guys still touring the city?

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

I made about 12 drafts of this map.

Couldn't figure out where to go.

Had to fit 18 years into one morning.

So, here it is.

Aw. I'm so excited to show him Portland,

and my mom is so excited to meet him.

And I'm going to show him...

- Jess, it's not buzzing.
- It's not buzzing.

- I promise you it's not.
- It's not buzzing.

- Oh, there's my dad.
- Hey, guys.

Sounded great. You sounded great.

You look terrific, too.

Hey!

- Oh, there's my daughter.
- Oh...

I thought we talked about
you not calling me that.

Yeah, yeah.

Hey, how's the food?

I haven't eaten in three weeks.

Trying to fit into my wedding dress.

(laughs)

Had a dream about a crouton last night.

And, um...

And that was the whole dream.

Ooh, before I forget,

best man.

(chuckles) Aw.

The wedding rings.

Hey, I want you to meet a bunch of relatives

that are all going to be
dead in a couple of years.

- Oh, good idea.
- Oh.

Hey, what happened to the British guy?

He's coming tomorrow.

MAN: Hey, Jake.

Jake Apex. That's him.
That's him right there.

WINSTON: I will say one thing about that man

that I've only said about
Ryan Gosling... hot damn!

What's up, Winston?

I'm gonna just go...

I'm gonna go talk to him, yeah.

- WINSTON: You're good.
- Yup.

- You're okay.
- Gonna...

I didn't know that was a thing. You...

Okay.

(inaudible)

SCHMIDT: Oh, this is very hard to watch.

It's like when Bob Costas

had that eye infection at the O-Lympics.

You mean the Olympics.

(Cece laughing hard)

(whoops)

Okay. Oh, God.

Okay, what happened?

Did I look cool?

- Uh...
- Define "cool."

What happened? I don't know
what hap... I blacked out.

Okay, look, Cece...

I'm gonna help you.

I'm Usher, you're Bieber.

And Jake Apex

is all the hot tracks

that we're going to make together.

- Hey.
- Hey.

So, um... Ryan's not coming.

Oh, boy.

He has to work on Monday

and he thought, ultimately,

it didn't make sense, which makes sense.

It's not a big deal.

But the tour's canceled.

(in Southern accent): Hey,
Randy, the tour's canceled.

(in normal voice): I
don't know why I did that.

Anyway, go ahead, Nick. Go ahead.

Talk about how much this sucks.

Tell me that Ryan's not coming

'cause he's a blank who's a blank.

I do have one thing to say.

While you were away, we were all talking

about how much we wanted to go on the tour.

So don't cancel it. We'll do it with you!

- Really?
- Yeah!

- Yeah!
- Yes!

Really?

- Yes!
- Fired up.

- We haven't stopped talking about...
- Yeah, man.

Couldn't be more excited.

All 18 places!

- There's 18?
- Wow.

I'm going to add a few more stops, then.

I definitely know you'd
enjoy the Shakespeare Garden.

Ha-ha, great.

Guys, Jess says she's
fine, but I know she's not.

Okay? She needs cheering up.

We're in her hometown.

I can't believe Ryan bailed.

I'm not happy with what Ryan's doing.

It's, it's not cool.

But today, it's all sunshine and smiles.

Hey, hey, hey, hey... Let
me, let me get sunshine.

Let me get sunshine.

Okay, yeah, you can be sunshine.

Yes! (laughs)

Here she is... Sunshine and smiles!

(all cheering)

- Jess!
- WINSTON: Sending the sun in!

Hi.

So... I'm sorry this is so small.

It was just meant for Ryan and me.

- No worries.
- No problem. - It's great.

Your shoes look super-cute.

- You look great.
- You look great.

- Let's see if... Ryan...
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Give me that purse! No
more checking in with Ryan.

The tour starts now.

(all cheering)

JESS: And there's the Italian soda shop

where I first learning what a "not" joke was.

Not!

I... I learned it, actually,

in the candle shop, next-door.

People don't really do "not" jokes anymore.

Not! They'll be in forever!

- Right, guys?
- Not!

(laughs)

JESS: And there's the dance studio

where I had my first kiss

with the cutest/only boy in my jazz troupe.

Then he came out of the closet... super gay.

Then we kissed some more.

Then he went to Oberlin.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Stop in that store!

I'm going full Portland, people.

I'm so Portland right now,
they all staring at me

like, "Is that the president of Portland?"

(laughing)

I'm like, "No."

This is the very pizza place
where we'd dab our pizzas

with our napkins, to get the grease off,

and then we'd make this kid named Joey

eat the napkins.

(laughing)

I'm not gonna lie... (forced laugh)

I'm Joey.

Hmm.

(gasping): Oh, my God.

CECE: Oh, no, he's here.

He's here. He just walked in.

Oh, is he a firefighter?

Seems pretty easy in Portland, huh?

(chuckles) Rain just does the work for you.

Okay, I'm gonna go to the bathroom.

No! Do... do not go and talk to him.

Do not go and talk to him.

Cece, not everything's
about you, you narcissist.

All right, just... go to the bathroom,

like you said you'd...

And... he's talking to him.

Just don't look. Just don't look.
Oh, well, he's looking at you.

- What? What? Really?
- No, like, right now,

he's staring at you.

Don't, don't, don't, don't look, don't look.

Don't look. The cutest
one's looking right at me.

I don't see a "cute" or
"not cute" one, Coach.

If you had to choose, which one's the cutest?

Way to the left.

(whispering): I'm super nervous.

Now my hands are sweating.

Then wipe 'em off.

If he comes over and shakes your hand,

- you don't want sweaty hands.
- Oh, my God!

SCHMIDT: He said he thinks you're cute.

CECE: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh,
my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

JESS: Hey, Nick, can I have my phone?

You know what? Never mind. I don't care.

So this is my childhood home,

the place of my birth.

Thank you guys so much for doing this,

and coming on this tour with me.

I forgot all about...

(with British accent):
Hello, hello, hello, darling!

("God Save the Queen" playing)

Where's the famous Mr. Geauxinue?

JESS: Um... well...

actually, um, Ryan...

had to cancel last-minute,
so he's not coming.

I'm so sorry.

Oh, honey...

that's just awful.

Aw...

Damn men.

Oh, I feel so bad for you.

Hey, Mom... Mom... Oh, honey...

Um...

don't get emotional, okay?

'Cause if you get emotional,
I'll get emotional.

Let's talk about happy stuff.

Did you guys see the video of

the panda farting and falling of a branch?

(everyone laughing)

- Pretty crazy, man.
- It was funny. It was funny.

WINSTON: It made me laugh.

Who wants scramblies?

You know I do, Mom.

(voice breaking): Good.

(crying)

Look, this might not be the right time

to say this, you guys, but, uh,

should we take a straw poll
on this whole Cosby thing?

JESS: I just want to clarify

to everyone here that I am fine.

Which is why I'm fine.

- Great!
- Yeah.

- Finer than fine.
- Mm-hmm.

- COACH: Which is why I'm fine.
- SCHMIDT: Fantastic!

- CECE: I'm fine, too. Everybody's great.
- SCHMIDT: Perfect.

(stifled crying)

I'm not fine!

NICK: I can't do this anymore.

It's not all smiles and sunshine.

It's not!

Look, Ryan bailed and that's a dick move.

And that's the truth.

(crying): I'm fine, I'm
just gonna go to my room.

(crying): I made scones.

(door slams)

Was that sunshine or smiles? Hmm?

(rock music blaring)

Oh...

Joanie... (chuckles)

I don't want to lie to you, so I'm not...

There's shells all in these eggs.

So, Joan, how do you, uh, feel
about Bob getting remarried?

Mm! Oh, I'm fine.

I just feel bad for Ashley.

I mean, let's just say

he's a man with a healthy appetite,

except one thing.

(coughing)

Well, that's a visual.

I don't really have a burning desire

to stick around for the wedding,

so I'm going on a trip

- with some friends.
- Hmm!

A trip I've never taken before.

Hmm!

(rock music blaring)

Hey! You mind if I turn this down?

(volume decreases)

"AP Stat Jams."

Advanced Placement.

Very smart.

How many Lilith Fairs did you go to?

Oh, Method Man performed at that one?

It's Liliths Fair.

Like "passersby..."

or "attorneys general."

Well, look, I came to, uh... give you this.

Text Ryan as much as you want,
it's none of my business.

I just think long-distance
relationships suck.

I once broke up with a
woman who lived in Irvine,

and that's only 30 minutes away.

Mind you, I had hornets
living in my car at the time,

which was a factor,

but the commute was also a big part of it.

Well, look, Nick, we're different,

and just because it's difficult with Ryan,

doesn't mean we're doomed.

We're star-crossed lovers.

We're like Kate and Leo...

or... Claire and Leo, or...

whatever blonde Leo is taking on boats.

They're all doomed.

Leo ain't gonna settle
down... He ain't ready.

I'm a hopeless romantic,
and I always have been.

Which is why...

I mean, it's a nice notion, it's just...

from 1994 to 2001,

I believed that Jordan Catalano

was gonna show up in my driveway

after a dirt bike accident,

all scruffy and... beautiful...

and he would need a bath and some...

medical attention.

You think that little boy
is driving a dirt bike?

He looks a lot like you.

That's me, that's Jordan Catalano.

I honestly couldn't tell the difference.

I swear to God. I'm not trying to be mean.

You know what the problem
with Jordan Catalano is?

Yeah... an undiagnosed learning disability.

Oh, I didn't know the boy
had mental problems...

I wouldn't be teasing him, but...

No, it's that he's fake.

The only thing that matters

is if the guy is there
for you when you need him.

Otherwise, you're dating a wall.

I have to get to my dad's
wedding. I didn't...

I didn't come in here trying
to be harsh, I'm ju...

I was trying to be helpful
and it's not working

and I apologize.

I was coming in as a friend, Je...

I'm sure that's just her.

Well, the dream's dead.

Apparently, Jake Apex has to work,

so he's not gonna come to the wedding.

I'm wearing the craziest
underwear for nothing.

Okay, look, Cece, you know
what we do? We regroup.

No, it's fine, Schmidt. I'm over it.

It is not fine.

Look, Cece, you're the most
amazing woman I ever met.

If you want Jake Apex,

I'm gonna help you get Jake Apex.

I'm never gonna stop trying
to make you happy, Cece.

I promise you, for the rest of my...

(phone ringing)

Oh, look at that, it's Fawn.

Hello, Councilwoman Moscato.

(quietly): Oh, yeah.

(panting): Guys!

I forgot the rings at the house.

They're in my purse in my room.

And now I have to go get my dad ready.

Apparently, he's wearing
some kind of a male corset.

All right, Coach and I will get the rings...

You don't have a car.

All right. Okay.

Wait!

All right.

Let's do this.

(chuckles): Yeah.

Okay. Okay.

- Okay, ready?
- Yep, yep.

Go easy. I'm not on!

- You're not?!
- I'm not on! I'm not on!

You don't have the rings?!

- Well, Dad, hold on...
- You don't have the rings?!

Oh! Damn it, no! That's...

No, this is bad.

We're doomed!

You look beautiful, but we are doomed.

(groans)

Oh, yeah.

(sighs)

I wish these were filled with ground beef.

(ringtone playing)

Oh, wait, this is Nick! Nick's calling!

He's probably walking in the door. Here.

Hey.

I found the purse,

but your mom has the rings.

What? (chuckles)

Can you ask her for them?

Yeah, it's a little hard right now.

Remember she said she was going on a trip?

(women laughing, howling)

It's gonna be a hair longer.

It's acid, isn't it?

What is taking them so long?

(laughs): Hi!

Um... so the wedding will begin shortly.

(crowd sighs) But first,

I'm gonna start you off
with a crowd-pleasing,

nondenominational...

Something in it for everyone... (chuckles)

"Ave Maria."

♪ Ah... ♪

(continues holding note)

♪ Ve... ♪

(continues holding note)

Joan, I need you to focus.

I need you to help me

find those rings. (grunts)

We have the rings.

They all... all of you...
We all have the rings.

Everyone's got the ring. Come into the womb.

- Come into the womb.
- I don't want to come in the womb.

- Come into the womb.
- I'm not a womb guy! I'm not a womb guy!

♪ Mari... ♪

(continues holding note)

- Show me the rings!
- The womb.

WOMEN (chanting): Reverse. Birth.

Can I just see that?

Reverse. Birth.

That's not it.

♪ Ah... ♪

♪ Ah... ♪

- WOMEN (chanting): Reverse. Birth.
- Here we go!

This is a real Portland experience!

Ah, hippie hair in my mouth!

Hippie hair in my mouth!

(squeaking chatter)

And with that message from Beaker,

all of the Muppets have wished Bob and Ashley

a very happy wedding.

(growling voice): Except for me.

(normal voice): Cookie Monster, is that you?

Now, I understand, Cookie Monster,

you've got a very special
song to sing for us.

(growling voice): Yes, I do!

♪ Ah... ♪

♪ Ve... ♪

♪ Mari... ♪

(fire alarm wailing)

There are a lot of ways
to stall a wedding, okay?

And you just happened to...

Go talk to him.

Yeah. Talk to the guy you like.

Hey, killer.

Hey, so, uh...

I'd love to see you again before you leave.

To be honest with you, Cece,

I've always had a crush on you.

Oh, God.

Okay, so I've never said
this out loud before, but...

I'm...

in love with someone else.

It's kind of complicated
because he has a girlfriend,

so I can't tell anybody.

I mean, Winston knows, but
you, you don't know Winston.

I got to get back to the truck soon.

Power steering's out again.

I'm the only one strong enough to drive it.

- Of course.
- But, uh,

I guess I'll see you around.

Yeah, I guess.

(bicycle bell dings)

- Okay, okay.
- Got it.

Oh, my God! Thank God you guys are here!

Is my mom okay? (both panting)

It's actually really hard

riding one of these bikes; it's super tiring.

I don't have a watch on.

I don't know why I'm doing that.

Dad, I...

(Bob humming music)

(continues humming)

Aren't they cute?

Cute as a mute.

That's a thing.

People-people say that.

(sighs)

Love is never what you
think it's gonna be, is it?

No, it isn't.

Hey, Nick...

you were right.

He should've been here.

I need a guy who shows up.

'Cause anything else just isn't real.

Jess, you should, uh, know something, too.

I touched

both your mother's breasts

in a communal womb earlier today.

I didn't do it on purpose, but there it is.

Thanks for telling me. I appreciate it.

It's a relief to get it off my shoulders.

Thanks for being cool about it.

I'll leave you alone.

(continues humming)

Wait, what?

I didn't read about this place.

That's because it's not in
any guidebook, Tagliaboo.

It is called Crush Pond.

At least that's what Jess
and I used to call it.

We used to come down here
when she liked somebody.

We'd throw a rock in the pond,

and we'd wish that they liked her back.

- Huh.
- I'd sit over there

and smoke cloves while she did that.

I broke up with Ryan.

- Wow.
- Oh, babe, I'm sorry.

How'd he take it?

Actually, pretty good.

- So you got his voice mail.
- Yeah.

Sounds about right.

Last stop on the tour.

Um... it's Crush Pond.

So... say a name in your head

and throw the rock in the pond,

and they'll love you forever.

Um, and for the record,
that's actually never worked.

(laughs)

So we're gonna do it anyways?

JESS: Yeah.

We're really gonna do this?

I got a big one.

(singsongy): I know who your rock is for.

Winston, you better shut up

before I knock that fade right off your head.

(chuckles): You don't know me
like that, Cece. I swear...

- Oh, I know you like that, trust me.
- Swear to God...

Uh, I'm gonna say Detroit Pistons.

You're not getting it, man.

What-what is it?

You got to say, like, a lady's name.

Oh.

Gladys.

- A lady you know.
- Oh.

To whoever you are, can't wait to meet you.

And I hope you live close by.

Three, two, one.