New Girl (2011–2018): Season 3, Episode 6 - Keaton - full transcript

Hey, what took you so long?
Come on in.

Hey. No, no. Why are we having
a secret meeting in an empty loft?

Because I don't want Schmidt
to find us.

- I know, right?
- It's creepy, right?

- Yeah, it is.
- This place gives me the willies, man.

Do you know why they can't keep
a tenant in here?

- Why?
- Because Mrs. Beverly died on the toilet.

And to come here
on Halloween...?

- Seems risky.
- What's risky?

The ghost situation.

I brought you guys in here
to talk about Schmidt.



I'm really worried about him.

He hasn't been to work
for three days.

He just sits on the couch
eating cold cuts

and yelling at the news
about how nothing matters.

- It's a problem.
- Right.

Be honest, it's a real problem.

He's just going through
a whole thing, you know?

The Cece-Elizabeth breakup
has gotten to him.

Right now
he is completely unhinged.

- Y'all feel that?
- What is going on?

Not saying there's a ghost, but I felt
a weird breeze go through my body,

- that's all I'm saying.
- There's no ghost.

Guys, I can't believe
I'm saying this, but...

I miss the old Schmidt.



I want him to be happy again.

He's crumbling
before our very eyes.

And I'm having a party tonight,

and I just can't have him
lying on the couch,

wiping his tears with deli meat.

- I'll talk to him, okay?
- Thank you.

People get weird with breakups.
Trust me, I got this.

- You got this.
- That was Winston.

- Was that you or was that in here, dude?
- That was...

Don't do that!

Oh, come on, Obama.

Tanks pull in, tanks pull out.

Babies are born,
old people die.

And yet the world keeps spinning
and spinning and spinning,

and one day, it stops.

And then what?

You want... you want to talk
about... health care?

That's mayo, buddy.

Yeah, I don't got this.

♪ Who's that girl?

♪ Who's that girl? ♪
♪ It's Jess.

Season 3, Episode 6
"Keaton"

- ♪ Pumpkining...
- You're really good at that.

- Thanks, man. Yeah.
- What are you carving there?

- It's a pumpkin.
- Oh, look at that. That's beautiful.

- My pumpkin!
- Pumpkin doesn't matter.

Hey. I just wanted
to talk to you, um...

- About my party tonight.
- You don't want me to come to the party?

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Jess, do you not want me
to come to your party?

- No. I... No.
- Doesn't matter.

I wouldn't go if I weren't
throwing it, you know?

It's, like, more
of a business-networking...

It's not a big deal at all.
I just won't come.

I'll stay at home, and...
I'll just hang out in my costume.

Oh, wait a minute.

Your home is my home.

See you at the party.

- What the hell?
- He's a total maniac.

Well, you know what, Jess?
He doesn't get like this often.

But when he does,
oh, there is an option.

Nick, I think
it's time for Schmidt

- to get a letter from an old friend.
- No, no, no, no, no, no.

- What old friend?
- Forget you heard anything.

- What old friend?
- Nothing, J...

- We need him, Nick.
- No, we don't.

- We got to bring him back.
- Bring who back?

- Winston, don't do this!
- Guys, does nobody listen to me?!

- ...without him!
- Who is he?

- Michael Keaton.
- You stupid...

Michael Keaton, the actor?
The Batman?

Nick, are you gonna tell her,
or should I?

- I'm not telling her.
- Fine. I'll do it.

- You will?
- When Schmidt was seven years old...

You're a terrible storyteller.
I'll just do it myself, I guess.

When Schmidt
was seven years old,

his daddy divorced his mommy...

And Schmidt was left
without the love of a father.

He didn't take it well.

He began an endless cycle
of crying and chocolate.

Mrs. Schmidt tried everything
to cheer him up, but nothing worked.

Desperate, she looked to the stars.
Movie stars.

Mrs. Schmidt wrote that little fat loser
a letter of support from the star

of his favorite movie, Batman.

But not the confusing new one.
The good one, with Michael Keaton.

And when Schmidt got his disgusting
chubby hands on Keaton's letter,

his life changed forever.

Yes!

But the real trouble
was just beginning.

You see, Schmidt wrote back.
And he kept writing back

about any problem he faced:
Bullies, schoolwork,

public erections.

And for every letter he sent,
Michael Keaton sent one back.

Was Winston's version shorter?

Then one day, that tubby
goon went off to college.

So Mrs. Schmidt unloaded
the secret on her son's only friend,

a man named me.
It was me.

- Yeah, I got that.
- Really? People don't...

No, I got it.

College proved tough for Schmidt,
and old patterns soon returned.

It became impossible to study,
and I knew what I had to do.

And again...

- New message.
- ...It worked.

With Keaton in his corner, he pulled
himself away from that bag of turkey

- ...and became a man.
- One...

He lost five pounds,
gained confidence with women...

...and he saw the hit movie
Multiplicity...

- 25 times.
- Oh, my God.

You've been Catfishing Schmidt.

Do you think we could use
this whole Michael Keaton thing

- ...to turn Schmidt around?
- Absolutely.

- Great!
- But I won't do it.

- Why not?
- Because I put it to bed, okay?

It's over. He'll do
anything Keaton says.

The letters are too powerful.

I'm lying to my best friend.

And I also feel like I'm betraying
the real Keaton, who I really love.

Well, then why did you tell me
that whole story, Nick?

Because it's a great story,
and I'm a teller of stories.

But I won't do it. Sorry.

You think you tell that story
better than me?

Look, you leave out
way too many details, man.

You don't just say
he was chewing a candy bar.

You say he was chewing
on a nougat-y candy bar.

That's not the kind of writer I am.
I don't say words like "nougat-y."

I'm simple.
I'm like Hemingway.

- Hey, Cece.
- Oh, hey.

I came to find out if you're
coming to my party today.

You never answered my e-mail.

Yeah, I meant to, uh...
to tell you I can't make it.

Sorry. Um...

I've been going out drinking a lot lately.
It's kind of wiping me out.

Please come to my party, Cece.

It's Schmidt, you know?

- I don't think I'm ready for that, so...
- Yeah.

What if I could promise you
Schmidt wouldn't be there?

Who wants candy?

- Did you go trick-or-treating?
- No.

I was out, I had my errand tote, and
a couple of neighbors gave me candy.

Is that trick-or-treating?

Yes, that's the definition
of trick-or-treating, Jess.

Hello! Uh, Jess, I'd like you to
know that I've changed my mind,

and I won't be coming
to your party tonight.

I've been e-mailing with an old friend
of mine, and he made me realize

- ...that I should give Cece her space.
- An old friend, huh?

Well, Nick knows. You know,
I don't like to throw his name around

because I don't like people
treating me any differently, but...

It's Michael Keaton.

What?!

Uh, okay. Calm down.

The actor?!

Seriously, you guys.
Don't treat me any different.

He's kind of my friend.
Michael Keaton.

There was one time he e-mailed me.
He said he was my best friend.

Anyway, we have so much
catching up to do,

me and Michael,
so just enjoy the night.

- That's crazy, Schmidt.
- Ah, man.

- What did you do?
- Jessica Damn Day.

I just got Schmidt
to not come to the party.

Keaton hasn't written Schmidt
in three years.

We have no idea
how Schmidt is gonna react.

If Schmidt finds out
Keaton isn't real,

it'll destroy the entire life
he has built around him.

We are talking
about a Truman Show situation.

Oh, yeah, I love that movie.
What part are you talking about?

Well, I'm talking
about the part in the movie

when Truman realizes
that his whole life is a lie,

and then he goes crazy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, right there
in the middle of the movie.

No, it's the whole movie.

Oh, yeah, I know, I was just...
'cause there's the one...

- There's like a scene.
- You haven't seen it.

He didn't see the movie.
Okay, guys, he almost found out once.

Now, luckily, I handled it.

I don't understand.

In 1995, he told me specifically
that he had never been to Nicaragua.

- It doesn't make any sense.
- Aah!

You have no idea
what you've done.

Hey, uh, you guys, do you think that
it's too early to e-mail Michael back?

Should I send
him an e-card?

Does that change anything,
or does that change everything?

- I think you're overthinking it.
- You know what?

- You're right. You're right.
- Be cool.

I think I'm way too up here,
all upstairs.

Got to bring it
down... here to here.

Not any lower, though.
It's not like that.

- I know it's not.
- Bro, it's not like that.

- No one thinks it is, bro.
- Cool.

All right.

He's already getting weird.

- Here.
- No, Je...

You... come to the master.

What are you writing?

I fixed it again.
You're welcome again.

So you just wrote from Keaton,

"I'm going on vacation"?

He would never write that, Jess.

- Why not?
- Vacation?!

Oh, Michael, you...
stop going away.

I knew this would happen.

- Hey, Schmidt.
- Schmidty.

He left me again.

It makes sense.

Why would a guy like Michael Keaton
be friends with me anyway?

I'm sure he likes you
a lot, Schmidt.

Why would he?

I guess I'll just always be the fat boy
who eats fat-boy cheese.

I didn't want
to have to do this.

Oh, is that
really necessary, Nick?

- Shh.
- What?

Let him work. I'm kind
of like his Robin.

- You're not like my Robin.
- You want to be Robin?

He doesn't have
all the responsibilities of Batman,

but he can take
some of the glory.

- Robin's a joke.
- Robin's the joke.

I think we can all agree.

The kids look up to him,
you know, in the community.

I haven't been inside
Keaton's mind in a long time,

and I need
my proper inspiration.

Thank you.

Why do you have
a picture of a bear?

The great Michael Keaton
attacks each new role

with the ferocity of
a hungry brown bear.

It is his entire acting philosophy,
which I totally made up.

I sleep with this person.

Speak to me, Keaton.

Mmm.

Here we go.

Oh, hey, Nick,
that's incredible.

"Courage is not the absence of fear,
but the triumph over it"?

Yes, I stole that
from Nelson Mandela.

I added the part about
the Penguin and the Riddler.

Oh. All right.

Is that him?
Did it work?

He wrote back smiley face.

- He wrote back smiley face.
- He wrote back smiley face.

- Trick or treat!
- Oh, how adorable.

You know, I just got a treat, too.
It's not candy; I'm not a...

Not a dumb little baby
like all of you.

"Happy Hallow's Eve."

And send.

- Just give us our candy.
- Hush, little boy.

He wrote back.

- "Hi."
- Okay, I got this.

"Speak to me, old chum.

"I canceled my trip to provide
earthquake relief.

- This seemed more important."
- Boom.

- That's so good.
- Yeah, it's pretty good.

You really have
the Keaton voice down.

"You're a
friend for life."

- That's good.
- "M.K."

- I think that's good.
- I think that's really good, actually.

Hi. Welcome. Happy Halloween.

Drinks are over there.

- Hey.
- Hi.

- What are you supposed to be?
- I'm Joey Ramona Quimby.

I don't get it.

Joey Ramone... a Quimby.

What are you? You look like
you're just wearing trash from your car.

No, I'm not. I'm the Paper
Mountain Trash King...

I just got trash from my car.

And now the man who once played center
for the New York Knicks in the nude,

David Letterman!

- That is a terrible Letterman.
- Really?

People at work tell me
I look just like Dave.

You look just like Letterman.

You know, I have
always thought that.

What, uh, what... uh, Nick, Nick Miller.
So you a, uh...?

You're a...

- What is that?
- That's, that's his laugh.

- He's never done that.
- That's his laugh.

Do you like my costume?

I'm a public serpent.

Um, I thought
you weren't coming.

Oh, I changed my mind.

You know, I reread a few
of Keaton's e-mails.

He can be quite cryptic.

I think what he meant
when he said

that life was meaningful was really,
"Go to the party."

- I'm pretty sure he didn't mean that.
- I know Keaton best.

Hey, Winston, by the way,
great costume.

Maya Angelou.

Crap. What am I gonna do?
Cece's on her way.

Schmidt is
rereading e-mails.

Do you know what happens after rereading?
Figuring it out. It's The Truman Show.

Truman Show, man,
I love that movie.

I'm not convinced
you've ever seen it.

I have; It's about
the Civil War.

- Batcave?
- Go, go, go, go, go. Go, go, go.

- Winston, go to Cece's and stall.
- Okay, fine.

But I got to hit the little King of the
Late Night Talk Show's room first.

Maybe slow down on that.
You're not great with booze.

- Hey, I got it, I got it.
- You got it? Good.

Um, "You're in grave danger.
Leave where you are immediately."

- Send. Okay.
- Don't!

- You just sent that?
- Yeah.

A team has to talk about a decision
before you hit send.

Sorry. I thought it
was a really good move.

- Trick or treat.
- Shh.

All right, you got to fix this.

I'll meet you at your
building in 30 minutes.

Terrible!
Send.

- No!
- What?

Now what are we gonna do?

- You told him Keaton was coming here?
- No, Nick.

- Are you out of your mind?
- It's a stall! It's a stall...

Until we can come up with a better plan.

- Well, who the hell is that?
- I don't know.

Trick or treat!

You.

I don't get what you're doing!
Are you drunk?

A little.

- What's your endgame here?
- It's Halloween night.

This is the night when anyone
can dress up in a costume

and be anybody
what... they want.

Would you listen to your
woman voice for one second?

Oh, you think I'm gonna talk to him in
a woman voice when I'm talking to him?

No, I have a character.

You're doing a character?
Well, I'd love to hear it.

I'm the Batman.

- Oh.
- Right...?

What, am I in the movie theater,
eating popcorn?

Jess, you're also five, four.

Keep going further away. The further
you're away, the bigger you look.

- I would say run a little bit.
- Nick!

Jess, go!
Go...

- Hey. Uh, Nick.
- Hey.

By chance, have you seen
anyone famous in the vicinity?

This vicinity?
Famous? Like, um...

- Look that way.
- What?

- Oh, my God.
- Yeah, it's unbelievable.

- Well, it's my hero.
- Yeah.

- That is Michael Keaton.
- Right there.

Why is he wearing his costume
from the movie he did 24 years ago?

If he wore the outfit from Clean
and Sober, you wouldn't recognize him.

- I'm the Batman.
- It's Halloween. Don't overthink it.

Well, you saw him. There he is.
Let's get out of here.

I have to meet him, Nick.
I have to.

No, you don't have to
meet him. No, no, no...

You're a great kid, Sch...
You're a great kid, Schmidt.

No. Let me take you out to eat.
I want to buy you something

- 'cause you met your hero.
- Go to an all-night diner.

- No, I have to meet... Got to meet him.
- He's got to...

- It's Michael Keaton!
- Go get a blintz or two!

Aah!

- Michael! It's me Schmidt.
- See you later, Michael! Take off!

We have so much to talk about.

Our heroes are never
who we want them to be!

Oh.

Oh. You met him.

It's Keaton.

Come on, you guys.
I know.

I've known the whole time.
What, do you think I'm stupid?

No. It just... I...

Just don't really know
what to say in this situation.

Look, please don't blame Nick.
It's not his fault.

You should be ashamed
of yourselves.

How dare you hack into
the private e-mail account

of one of our nation's
finest actors!

I'm gonna have to tell
Michael about this.

No! No!

- No, don't tell Michael!
- Jess, please stop.

Thank you for what you're trying
to do, but it's over.

It has to be over.

Schmidt, I'm Michael Keaton.

What?

It was me...
The whole time.

No...

- No, you can't...
- How do you think

I know that you kissed
the bus driver at spring break?

Or that you want to open up
a glassware boutique in Connecticut?

- Or about the wall hole?
- This is impossible! I've been...

I've been writing with Michael
Keaton since I was a kid!

Your mother came up
with the idea, Schmidt.

- But since college, it's been me.
- My mom?

You're gonna tell me that my mom
helped me with my public erections?

I drew pictures!

He didn't want you
to find out this way.

Hey.

- I got to go.
- Wait. Schmidt!

- Oh! Oh, I'm so, so sorry. Uh...
- A bully! Get him!

Oh! Oh!

- Come on.
- Hey, kids, get out of here!

Scat! Scat!
Back off!

Cece, wait. I swear, I did not know
he was gonna be here. I'm so sorry.

No, Jess. It's-it's fine.
Okay, it's fine.

In fact... it's actually
kind of perfect.

I think, since this whole thing went
down, I've just been running away.

You know, I mean,
actually seeing Schmidt, I...

I finally feel like
I have some closure.

Well, good. I'm glad.

You deserve some.

So let's fire up
the Batman Mobile,

go to a taco stand and eat
some feelings, okay?

Okay, I just...
I think it's Batmobile.

Batman Mobile.

No. Batmobile.

That's what I said...
Batman Mobile.

You're putting the man...
There's no man. It's just Bat...

- Batman Mobile.
- ...Mobile. Batman Mobile.

- Batmobile. Drop the man.
- Bat... Yeah.

Batman Mobile.

Batmobile.

Batmo-mobile.

So it was you who helped me through
my first breakup with Elizabeth?

Yeah, Schmidt.

And it was you,
not Keaton, who told me

that women aren't attracted
to men who wear maternity pants?

Yes, but that one I feel
like I shouldn't have had to.

They're unbelievably
comfortable.

What about that time
that we saw Michael Keaton

at that deli,
and he stopped, and he winked?

Honestly, I can't
explain that one.

It was just the weirdest
day of my whole life.

My friend Michael.

Oh, Schmidt, look, I know
this is hard, okay?

But honestly, I was
just trying to help.

You don't need Keaton.
You got me.

- What was that?
- I'm so sorry.

What... Why would you say
something like that?

Because I hurt you, and I've been
wanting to fix this for years.

The end of a high school
football movie?

I'm really sorry I pretended to
be Keaton for the last 12 years.

It's super weird.

Are we good?

Yeah. We're good.

Well, Nicholas, I came
to a decision last night.

I'm entering a new chapter in my life,
and I think it best that I do it alone.

You're going to one of those
weekend spas again, buddy?

No. In the famous words of
singer-songwriter Billy Joel...

- Don't do this.
- I'm moving out.

You're the worst.

Schmidt, I thought
you said we were good.

No, we're great, but I'm going.
Two separate things.

I made the call this morning.
I got a new place. I'm out.

- You're not going anywhere.
- I'm going.

Goodness, uh, I think somebody
had sex in my bedroom last night.

I think that because
they're still in there...

- Having sex, I think.
- Ugh!

Hey, Schmidt. You going
to a weekend spa again?

- No. Striking out on my own.
- Wait. What?!

You're moving out?
He's not moving out, is he?

Schmidt, you can't move out.
Who's gonna do my fades?

Yeah, who's gonna do his fades?

Believe this is mine.

Well, I bid you all adieu.

- Stop it, Schmidt. Oh, Schmidt!
- Are you serious?

- Schmidt, come on.
- Come on.

- Seriously? Come on!
- Stop with the show!

You can't even fit all
your socks in that suitcase.

Get your last looks, 'cause who knows
when we'll see each other again?

Or where.

Wait. You're just
moving in across the hall?

I can't hear you...
'cause I'm gone.

Schmidt, it would take me
longer to walk from the kitchen

to the bathroom than it would
from here to where you are.

Oh, you are kidding me.

- I can see your feet!
- Me, too.

Shut up.

Guy's an idiot...

See you tomorrow, Schmidt...

Woo! I'm alone!

I'm alone! I'm alone...

I'm alone...

Score, touchd...

Hahaha... Yeah.
Shut up, Winston.