New Girl (2011–2018): Season 3, Episode 5 - The Box - full transcript
Schmidt worries about being a good person. Nick inherits money from his father and starts a spending spree instead of paying his bills.
Damn, man, you look tired.
Your eyes are puffy as hell.
I'm unwell, Winston.
Just torn up about this whole
Cece and Elizabeth thing.
I feel so guilty I can't even look in the
mirror. You think I'm a good person?
[MUMBLES]
- You think I'm a good person?
- You're terrible. It's hilarious.
You cheated on my best friend.
Fair enough, okay.
Well, I'm better than Winston.
You're better at things.
But he's a better person.
- Winston stinks.
- Why am I being dragged into this?
Because I'm mad, Winston.
And I'm tired. And I'm a good...
- I'm a good man.
- Are you crying?
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
- I got a package for Nick Miller.
- There's nobody here by that name.
I got this.
I saw that.
- Run, Nick, run!
- Aah!
- What...?
- Relax. I'm with your late father's estate.
- Pop-pop?
- This is for him.
What's in there? It's a hand, isn't it?
Just tell me if it's a hand.
Oh, my God.
- It is a hand.
- I knew it. It's a hand.
What does it mean though?
Full of dollar bills, y'all.
WINSTON:
You are rich, man.
- [SINGING] Who's that girl?
CHORUS: Who's that girl?
Who's that girl?
CHORUS: Who's that girl?
- It's Jess
I can't believe Nick's dad left him $8000.
Never seen someone
burn through money so fast.
- Ha, ha.
JESS: I should say something.
- Some of those shoes aren't even his size.
- Don't talk to Nick about money.
It's a very touchy subject.
I'm gonna check out this fancy picture place.
Rich guys always have pictures of themselves.
My man. Do you, baby. Ha, ha.
Gonna be honest. Nick owes me 1900 bucks. So
this here is my opportunity to get it back.
How are you expecting to get your money
back if he blows it all on stupid stuff?
WINSTON:
Oh, don't worry, Jess, I have a plan.
You don't have to con him. If he owes
you money, you could just ask him.
[LAUGHING]
I just told you to ask him for the money.
WOMAN:
Smile. Ha, ha.
NICK:
Do the crystals make it look too glamorous?
It's really glamorous.
I don't know. I don't know what's cool.
- Could be a good time to start a bank account.
- Or flush it down the toilet.
- Not really the same thing.
- A bank is just a paper bag...
but with fancier walls.
That's all it is. I'm gonna keep my money
where my mouth is.
Um, under my nose.
That saying actually does work.
- What is that?
- This is my box.
It's where I keep all my junk
I don't feel like dealing with.
- Looks like a lot of bills. It's mostly bills.
- Like I said, it's junk.
I'm just brainstorming here. What if you pay
those bills with the money you just got?
- Yeah, I'm gonna "pay my bills." Ha, ha.
- Ha, ha.
Then I'm gonna go to the "doctor"
and get a "checkup."
Give them $500 to check my bones.
You're being funny.
Yeah, I was dating both of them
at the same time.
I'm a mess. I can't sleep.
I urinate constantly.
I cried the other day listening to a techno
song. My tweets have been extremely literal.
- Were the girls Jewish?
- One Indian, one regular. Wanna see a picture?
I don't even know why you're here. You
come in and say, "Do you have a minute?"
I'm sorry, rabbi. It's just that...
Okay, it's much more simple.
How can I be a better person?
Oh.
Well, you seem
awfully concerned with yourself.
You might start thinking
about the needs of others.
I think about others all the time. What I can
get from them, how they can give me pleasure.
Do they have a silly little walk
that I can make fun of?
It's where you actually care
about somebody else.
You put their needs ahead of your own.
One of the few times I wish I was Catholic.
Couple Hail Marys and I'd be off the hook.
Huh?
[CAR HORN HONKS
THEN TIRES SQUEALING]
[GASPING]
Oh, God.
Are you choking? You're choking.
Okay.
What, were you biking and eating?
All right, I got you, I got you.
Come on, live, live. Live, bike messenger.
- Yeah.
- Thank you. You saved my life.
- What?
- You saved my life.
You saved my life.
- I did.
- Thank you.
- Yes. Yes.
- Thank you.
Yes. Dude.
This is exactly what I needed. Oh, my God.
Let us rejoice in song.
[SINGING IN HEBREW]
Please call 911.
Hey, call 911. I'm hurt.
Oh, you know, that's a great idea.
I'm gonna call 911.
Hope you don't have a dance recital later.
Kidding. Don't look at your legs.
[GROANS]
That's $900 to the Parking Authority
of Los Angeles.
Oh, is it okay to mail cash?
I'm gonna do it anyway. It's on its way.
- These sliders are beautiful.
- I know.
- I knew you would think that.
- I love them.
That's why I made them.
[UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON TV]
- What is that?
- Brotherhood. Brotherhood, man.
All right, I respect you, no matter what.
That's what it's about, man. Yeah, um,
and in the spirit of brotherhood...
just because we on that level now,
I was thinking, maybe, I don't know...
Anything, man, shoot.
Oh, man, maybe you could just pay me back
that money that you owe me.
Remember, because you owe me that money.
- Nick? Nick? Nick?
- Oh.
- Oh, you stink.
- Nick. Hey, Nick, Nick, Nick.
- Can we...?
- You son...
You son of a bitch, Winston.
That's what this was about?
Nick, it's my money, okay?
Give it back to me.
I make a little bit of money
and you come slipping out of the woodword.
- You mean "woodwork"?
- What is woodwork?
- What's woodword?
- Wood. Word. Wood. Word.
That's where people like you come crawling
out of when people like me have money.
WINSTON:
But you owe me that money.
- Stay out of my box.
- Okay, I'm not in your box.
- Jess gets it, right?
- Yeah, what the hell, dude?
- I'm gonna go to the bar to blow off steam.
- That's a great idea. Go get loaded.
You deserve it. Black out.
You're the only one that
I trust around here.
Whoa!
You went through Nick's box.
It was so much worse than I thought.
Why does he have the deed...
to an old Mercury Cougar?
- He lost that.
Where is it? We've been looking for hours.
- It's done.
- What about your car, Nick?
I said it's done.
I'll get the money back.
Bill collectors are reasonable people.
- Makes sense.
- You better keep your mouth shut.
I'll make you a deal.
I'll keep my mouth shut
if you pay me the money Nick owes me.
Are you trying to blackmail me?
[GRUNTS]
You don't scare me, Jess.
[SHOUTING]
[BOTH SHOUTING]
- How much does Nick owe you?
- Nineteen-hundred dollars.
[SLURRING] What is money anyway?
It's just paper that some king on the
mountain said was worth something.
You know, gold I understand. It's shiny.
You can make jewelry out of it.
Silver?
Put a werewolf in front of me, he's dead.
Brass creates the bells
that make sound throughout the land.
But we kill each other for paper.
And I gotta tell you, man, that's sad.
You give me $50,
I'll show you my private parts. Ha, ha.
[ESCONDIDO'S "COLD OCTOBER"
PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
Nicholas. Good yontef. Are you well?
No, but good yontef.
I'm all steamed up. This money
thing's tearing me apart, Schmidt.
If it's bothering you,
why don't you give it away?
Son of a bitch.
Not to me, Nick. To charity.
- Or Tzedakah, as my people call it.
- That's what your people do?
- Yeah.
- You beautiful genius.
- Ha, ha.
- Ha, ha. I like that. That frees me of my worries.
Look at that, another mitzvah.
I'm two for two. Nice.
- I saved a man.
- Oh, my God.
A lowly bike messenger, riding along,
choking on his gum...
and I performed Heimlich's maneuver,
rescued him.
- Great.
- Who's the good man now?
You're almost forced to admit it.
Now, leaving you ain't easy
- You're almost forced to admit it.
- Yeah, I know.
I'm a hero. Just tell me
that I'm a good man. I need to hear it.
I'm don't even know if I'm a good person.
- I'm not the guy to ask. I have my moods.
- We're talking about how I'm a good person.
- It'd be nice if you could say that.
- I'm ready to do a "Tzatziki."
This is not about Tzedakah. This is about
me being a good man and you telling me.
- Absolutely.
- So say it.
- You got it.
- Say that I'm a good man.
I'm giving away my money.
I've been trying to listen to you...
Damn it. You are so drunk right now.
And at the bar you work at, no less.
What happens with the rest of your day?
Do you even think about that?
You don't understand drinking at all.
Yeah, go.
Heathcliff!
Hi. I'd like to unpay some parking tickets.
- Excuse me?
- I sent in a payment earlier...
and I've decided I
don't want to pay them.
Just cancel the checks.
Can't do that because I paid cash.
My boyfriend doesn't believe in banks.
It's early in the relationship.
Still shaving above the knee,
if you know what I mean.
Mm-hm. Let me get this straight.
You want me to watch the mail...
and let you know if I see anything
from your boyfriend.
- Exactly.
- Fantastic.
- Should I call you or...?
- Text would be great.
Perfect.
Let me put your number into my phone.
- I didn't give you my number.
- Oh, I think you did.
It's your lucky day, old friend.
I had an interesting talk with Schmidt.
I've decided to give away my fortune.
What do I owe you?
- How much money...? Uh...
- Hey, guys. What's going on?
- Hey, Jess.
- It's Tzatziki, is what it's called.
It's a Jewish charity.
Nick was just about to pay me
the money that he owes me.
JESS:
Wait.
- Come on, what are you doing?
- I'm, um, lubing up, Sally?
From ankles to ears? The door's locked.
You want me to bust in?
Son of a...
It opened. Where are you?
Um, I just was hot. I wanted some shade.
Done that.
Who took my money? Winston.
It was me. It was me. It was me.
I'm so sorry. I went through your box.
I just couldn't help it. And I paid
some of your bills and I'm so sorry.
Hey, Nick.
You're gonna leave me here? Nick...
That's fair.
There he is.
Alive and well. Mazel. I brought you these.
How's my brave little soldier?
Not great.
They said that, um, I'm never gonna be able
to ride a bike again.
- So there goes my job...
- Sure, sure.
Do you think I'm a good person?
Uh, I don't really know you.
What more do you need to know? If not
for me, you probably would have died.
- Somebody would have come along.
- Just say that I'm a good person.
- Well, I mean... Ow!
- Why is it hard for you to say?
- Sorry. I'm so sorry.
- You're a good person.
- I am, you think so?
- Very good.
Thank you for saying that.
That means a lot. Ha.
- I finally feel like I can breathe again.
- Good.
What happened to him?
He got smoked by a bus while he was
having a bake sale for cancer kids.
- For cancer kids?
- Yeah.
Well, he's a great person.
Bad things happen to good people
all the time.
Of course they do.
What am I even chasing here?
What's the point of being a good person?
Some say moral integrity
is the cornerstone to humanity.
What do you know, you idiot?
You choked on gum.
Hey, don't shoot the bike messenger.
That is a terrible joke!
And none of this makes any sense.
Hey, Nick.
[SIGHS]
Look, I know you're really angry
and you have a right to be.
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
I have the right to be?
Why do you feel like you need to fix me?
It's like you think you know better.
- I might know better than you.
- Huh!
Did you start a corporation?
- Is it "Fat Face"?
- I think so.
- Yeah.
- You're getting taxed like crazy.
- I thought I was filing a patent.
- Fat Face is an invention?
Kind of, in its intention... It was...
- Are you a lifeguard?
- No. That is a false certificate.
Just a classic beach prank.
- That seems dangerous.
- It's funny. Ha, ha.
Because I can't swim. Everyone was
watching me and... I don't know.
I was 13! I was 26.
This is the problem with the box:
It's my private stuff.
You've never once done jury duty
or paid your taxes.
Not until gay marriage is legal everywhere.
I stand by that.
And I don't want to do
jury duty or pay taxes.
Nick, you're in a so much debt, it's crazy.
You have to deal with this stuff.
No, I don't, Jess. It's in my box.
It's not true though.
It's not a perfect system, Jess...
but it's mine, okay, and it's private.
I'm sorry I went through your box,
but I was just trying to help.
Maybe I'll try to help you.
What if I went into your box?
- Not that...
- Stop it.
I like that box, but I'm mad at you...
I'm back to you disrespected me.
I was just trying to help.
How about this? Two can help, okay?
If two are gonna help,
then I'll be one of them.
Because two can tango on this dance, okay?
So you want to waltz,
well, you picked the wrong dance partner.
What? It's not...
Who needs changing, huh?
Who needs fixing?
I'm gonna go through your personal drawers
and see what needs changing.
- What are you, a zoo elephant?
- Those are my night peanuts.
There shouldn't be day peanuts
and night peanuts. Just peanuts.
I'm sorry, why is that weird?
You just have a bunch of boxes?
I would change that.
Oh, you have a bunch of metal toothpicks.
- Bobby pins.
- What's a bobby pins?
- It keeps your hair back.
- You need bobby's pins to put your hair up?
It's "bobby pins," not "bobby's pins."
- What is this?
- Yarn.
Are you knitting a mansion?
Oh, look at this. What do we have here?
- A bunch of beat-up old sacks.
- My vintage purses.
Well, you know what, they could be sexier.
You want my purses to be sexier?
Would it kill you to get something sleek,
covered in gems for once...?
You want my purses
to be covered in gemstones?
All guys do. That's what we think is sexy.
We wanna be playing a saxophone
in an alley...
and have you walk by in a miniskirt
with a purse with gems.
- But you girls don't listen.
- What?
- Change you.
- No.
- This all needs changing.
- Hey, no, no...
- That's disrespectful.
- Done.
- Nick, stop it.
- No.
This is the grossest thing
I've ever seen in my life.
- I got that for a nickel.
- Disgusting.
- You're just trying to get a rise out of me.
- Oh, my God.
- Got a lot of compliments on that one.
- Gone.
- Nick.
- What?
Stop it. Look, I like you the way you are.
I'm just asking you to grow a little.
Are we ever gonna get to the point
where you stop working on me?
Well, instead of changing me...
maybe once, Jess, see it my way.
Well, your way's crazy. And illegal.
This is me. Take it or leave it.
I'm not changing for anyone.
Where are you going?
If you have something to say, say it.
Don't write a note.
That the money I spent.
- Do what you want with it.
- Thank you.
Couple of best-friend horses. That's neat.
What else can you get...?
[SIGHS]
It doesn't make any sense.
Can you not see I'm in the middle
of a Bar Mitzvah class here?
Yeah, they should hear this.
A man helping cancer kids
got creamed by a bus today.
- Everything happens for a reason.
- What if it doesn't happen for a reason?
Maybe there aren't good guys
and bad guys.
Maybe there are just winners and losers.
I was beating myself up, but, heh,
maybe I should have been celebrating.
Have you ever dated two women at once?
What are you talking about? I went to camp.
They used to call me the octopus.
- Clearly, you have not.
- Enough. You get out of here.
- Out.
- Don't "out" me.
- You're getting a little handsy there.
- Get out.
I realized nothing matters
and that's great. Know why?
Because if nothing matters,
we can do whatever we want.
Avram, Julio!
- Get away from me, man.
- Kick his ass.
All right, okay. YOLO, YOLO.
Nick's right.
I have too many purses.
You're addicted to purses.
I'm addicted to development fluid.
I get it.
This one's for meat.
- And this one's for shells.
- You know what?
- Keep them. They're yours.
- Okay, thanks.
The ass of your pants is missing.
It's for the kitty cats.
[CELL PHONE RINGING]
- My phone's ringing.
- Sure. Ha, ha.
- Hello?
- I'm like a pretty lady.
What's happening?
Sorry to bother you.
This man was trying to open an account
with a check in your name...
and a paper bag full of money. - Please
stop hovering? I'm being cooperative.
It's fine. He's okay. Thank you.
Opening a bank account, huh?
- Yeah, I, uh, realized something.
- What?
I'd do anything for you, Jess.
Hey.
Thank you.
All right, Mr. Miller,
your checking account is good to go.
There's an $8 processing fee.
Eight dollars? That's a
very specific amount.
- That's fine. It's your world, your rules.
- Excellent.
If you go to the castle,
you gotta pay the king.
What is processing? What does that mean?
It's just a word you use
to make more money off of us.
- That makes me mad.
- Me too. Yeah.
Hey, how about this? What's a bank?
- It's just a paper bag with walls.
- Yeah.
You're making some really,
really good points.
You are the puppeteers
that puppet the world.
NICK:
No more banks.
Or some banks, I don't care,
but I want my money on a boat.
I understood at least 30 percent
of the financial crisis.
And guess what I got from that? You suck.
- Yeah.
- You suck so hard.
I'm gonna process this man's face.
Because I think he's great.
And I'm crazy about him.
Fine, I'll waive the fee.
Yeah! We won $8.
Just wait till you have children.
You'll never touch each other again.
JESS: Banks suck, banks suck, banks suck.
NICK: Ha, ha!
- What happened to you?
- Got beat up by some rabbis.
Well, Winston, we're all alone.
Nothing matters.
Look, Schmidt, stop, all right?
You're a good man.
You did a bad thing, doesn't make you bad.
You just have to try to be better.
You know?
I've been waiting all day for somebody to
tell me that. I appreciate it. Thank you.
I want you to have something.
Winston, literally,
a gift is the last thing I deser...
- Here you go.
- This is a candelabra.
Yeah. I bought it with the money
that Nick owed me.
- This is what you spent it on?
- It's yours.
"May it illuminate your path...
and lead you out of the darkness."
That what it says on the bottom.
"May it illuminate your path
and lead you out of the darkness."
Uh, thank you for this. Really.
Look at it every single
day and tell yourself:
"I'm a good person." Because you are.
You know what I might do?
And it might seem like the opposite...
what I'm thinking is maybe
I put it away somewhere...
like in the back of my closet
so to keep away from thieves.
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.
Can you be honest?
How many times you rub this
and think a genie was gonna come out?
- I rubbed it like three times.
- Yeah. I thought so.
- I'm not...
- If a genie did come out...
what would you wish for?
- Ha, ha.
- More candelabras.
- Yeah, I bet.
Your eyes are puffy as hell.
I'm unwell, Winston.
Just torn up about this whole
Cece and Elizabeth thing.
I feel so guilty I can't even look in the
mirror. You think I'm a good person?
[MUMBLES]
- You think I'm a good person?
- You're terrible. It's hilarious.
You cheated on my best friend.
Fair enough, okay.
Well, I'm better than Winston.
You're better at things.
But he's a better person.
- Winston stinks.
- Why am I being dragged into this?
Because I'm mad, Winston.
And I'm tired. And I'm a good...
- I'm a good man.
- Are you crying?
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
- I got a package for Nick Miller.
- There's nobody here by that name.
I got this.
I saw that.
- Run, Nick, run!
- Aah!
- What...?
- Relax. I'm with your late father's estate.
- Pop-pop?
- This is for him.
What's in there? It's a hand, isn't it?
Just tell me if it's a hand.
Oh, my God.
- It is a hand.
- I knew it. It's a hand.
What does it mean though?
Full of dollar bills, y'all.
WINSTON:
You are rich, man.
- [SINGING] Who's that girl?
CHORUS: Who's that girl?
Who's that girl?
CHORUS: Who's that girl?
- It's Jess
I can't believe Nick's dad left him $8000.
Never seen someone
burn through money so fast.
- Ha, ha.
JESS: I should say something.
- Some of those shoes aren't even his size.
- Don't talk to Nick about money.
It's a very touchy subject.
I'm gonna check out this fancy picture place.
Rich guys always have pictures of themselves.
My man. Do you, baby. Ha, ha.
Gonna be honest. Nick owes me 1900 bucks. So
this here is my opportunity to get it back.
How are you expecting to get your money
back if he blows it all on stupid stuff?
WINSTON:
Oh, don't worry, Jess, I have a plan.
You don't have to con him. If he owes
you money, you could just ask him.
[LAUGHING]
I just told you to ask him for the money.
WOMAN:
Smile. Ha, ha.
NICK:
Do the crystals make it look too glamorous?
It's really glamorous.
I don't know. I don't know what's cool.
- Could be a good time to start a bank account.
- Or flush it down the toilet.
- Not really the same thing.
- A bank is just a paper bag...
but with fancier walls.
That's all it is. I'm gonna keep my money
where my mouth is.
Um, under my nose.
That saying actually does work.
- What is that?
- This is my box.
It's where I keep all my junk
I don't feel like dealing with.
- Looks like a lot of bills. It's mostly bills.
- Like I said, it's junk.
I'm just brainstorming here. What if you pay
those bills with the money you just got?
- Yeah, I'm gonna "pay my bills." Ha, ha.
- Ha, ha.
Then I'm gonna go to the "doctor"
and get a "checkup."
Give them $500 to check my bones.
You're being funny.
Yeah, I was dating both of them
at the same time.
I'm a mess. I can't sleep.
I urinate constantly.
I cried the other day listening to a techno
song. My tweets have been extremely literal.
- Were the girls Jewish?
- One Indian, one regular. Wanna see a picture?
I don't even know why you're here. You
come in and say, "Do you have a minute?"
I'm sorry, rabbi. It's just that...
Okay, it's much more simple.
How can I be a better person?
Oh.
Well, you seem
awfully concerned with yourself.
You might start thinking
about the needs of others.
I think about others all the time. What I can
get from them, how they can give me pleasure.
Do they have a silly little walk
that I can make fun of?
It's where you actually care
about somebody else.
You put their needs ahead of your own.
One of the few times I wish I was Catholic.
Couple Hail Marys and I'd be off the hook.
Huh?
[CAR HORN HONKS
THEN TIRES SQUEALING]
[GASPING]
Oh, God.
Are you choking? You're choking.
Okay.
What, were you biking and eating?
All right, I got you, I got you.
Come on, live, live. Live, bike messenger.
- Yeah.
- Thank you. You saved my life.
- What?
- You saved my life.
You saved my life.
- I did.
- Thank you.
- Yes. Yes.
- Thank you.
Yes. Dude.
This is exactly what I needed. Oh, my God.
Let us rejoice in song.
[SINGING IN HEBREW]
Please call 911.
Hey, call 911. I'm hurt.
Oh, you know, that's a great idea.
I'm gonna call 911.
Hope you don't have a dance recital later.
Kidding. Don't look at your legs.
[GROANS]
That's $900 to the Parking Authority
of Los Angeles.
Oh, is it okay to mail cash?
I'm gonna do it anyway. It's on its way.
- These sliders are beautiful.
- I know.
- I knew you would think that.
- I love them.
That's why I made them.
[UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON TV]
- What is that?
- Brotherhood. Brotherhood, man.
All right, I respect you, no matter what.
That's what it's about, man. Yeah, um,
and in the spirit of brotherhood...
just because we on that level now,
I was thinking, maybe, I don't know...
Anything, man, shoot.
Oh, man, maybe you could just pay me back
that money that you owe me.
Remember, because you owe me that money.
- Nick? Nick? Nick?
- Oh.
- Oh, you stink.
- Nick. Hey, Nick, Nick, Nick.
- Can we...?
- You son...
You son of a bitch, Winston.
That's what this was about?
Nick, it's my money, okay?
Give it back to me.
I make a little bit of money
and you come slipping out of the woodword.
- You mean "woodwork"?
- What is woodwork?
- What's woodword?
- Wood. Word. Wood. Word.
That's where people like you come crawling
out of when people like me have money.
WINSTON:
But you owe me that money.
- Stay out of my box.
- Okay, I'm not in your box.
- Jess gets it, right?
- Yeah, what the hell, dude?
- I'm gonna go to the bar to blow off steam.
- That's a great idea. Go get loaded.
You deserve it. Black out.
You're the only one that
I trust around here.
Whoa!
You went through Nick's box.
It was so much worse than I thought.
Why does he have the deed...
to an old Mercury Cougar?
- He lost that.
Where is it? We've been looking for hours.
- It's done.
- What about your car, Nick?
I said it's done.
I'll get the money back.
Bill collectors are reasonable people.
- Makes sense.
- You better keep your mouth shut.
I'll make you a deal.
I'll keep my mouth shut
if you pay me the money Nick owes me.
Are you trying to blackmail me?
[GRUNTS]
You don't scare me, Jess.
[SHOUTING]
[BOTH SHOUTING]
- How much does Nick owe you?
- Nineteen-hundred dollars.
[SLURRING] What is money anyway?
It's just paper that some king on the
mountain said was worth something.
You know, gold I understand. It's shiny.
You can make jewelry out of it.
Silver?
Put a werewolf in front of me, he's dead.
Brass creates the bells
that make sound throughout the land.
But we kill each other for paper.
And I gotta tell you, man, that's sad.
You give me $50,
I'll show you my private parts. Ha, ha.
[ESCONDIDO'S "COLD OCTOBER"
PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
Nicholas. Good yontef. Are you well?
No, but good yontef.
I'm all steamed up. This money
thing's tearing me apart, Schmidt.
If it's bothering you,
why don't you give it away?
Son of a bitch.
Not to me, Nick. To charity.
- Or Tzedakah, as my people call it.
- That's what your people do?
- Yeah.
- You beautiful genius.
- Ha, ha.
- Ha, ha. I like that. That frees me of my worries.
Look at that, another mitzvah.
I'm two for two. Nice.
- I saved a man.
- Oh, my God.
A lowly bike messenger, riding along,
choking on his gum...
and I performed Heimlich's maneuver,
rescued him.
- Great.
- Who's the good man now?
You're almost forced to admit it.
Now, leaving you ain't easy
- You're almost forced to admit it.
- Yeah, I know.
I'm a hero. Just tell me
that I'm a good man. I need to hear it.
I'm don't even know if I'm a good person.
- I'm not the guy to ask. I have my moods.
- We're talking about how I'm a good person.
- It'd be nice if you could say that.
- I'm ready to do a "Tzatziki."
This is not about Tzedakah. This is about
me being a good man and you telling me.
- Absolutely.
- So say it.
- You got it.
- Say that I'm a good man.
I'm giving away my money.
I've been trying to listen to you...
Damn it. You are so drunk right now.
And at the bar you work at, no less.
What happens with the rest of your day?
Do you even think about that?
You don't understand drinking at all.
Yeah, go.
Heathcliff!
Hi. I'd like to unpay some parking tickets.
- Excuse me?
- I sent in a payment earlier...
and I've decided I
don't want to pay them.
Just cancel the checks.
Can't do that because I paid cash.
My boyfriend doesn't believe in banks.
It's early in the relationship.
Still shaving above the knee,
if you know what I mean.
Mm-hm. Let me get this straight.
You want me to watch the mail...
and let you know if I see anything
from your boyfriend.
- Exactly.
- Fantastic.
- Should I call you or...?
- Text would be great.
Perfect.
Let me put your number into my phone.
- I didn't give you my number.
- Oh, I think you did.
It's your lucky day, old friend.
I had an interesting talk with Schmidt.
I've decided to give away my fortune.
What do I owe you?
- How much money...? Uh...
- Hey, guys. What's going on?
- Hey, Jess.
- It's Tzatziki, is what it's called.
It's a Jewish charity.
Nick was just about to pay me
the money that he owes me.
JESS:
Wait.
- Come on, what are you doing?
- I'm, um, lubing up, Sally?
From ankles to ears? The door's locked.
You want me to bust in?
Son of a...
It opened. Where are you?
Um, I just was hot. I wanted some shade.
Done that.
Who took my money? Winston.
It was me. It was me. It was me.
I'm so sorry. I went through your box.
I just couldn't help it. And I paid
some of your bills and I'm so sorry.
Hey, Nick.
You're gonna leave me here? Nick...
That's fair.
There he is.
Alive and well. Mazel. I brought you these.
How's my brave little soldier?
Not great.
They said that, um, I'm never gonna be able
to ride a bike again.
- So there goes my job...
- Sure, sure.
Do you think I'm a good person?
Uh, I don't really know you.
What more do you need to know? If not
for me, you probably would have died.
- Somebody would have come along.
- Just say that I'm a good person.
- Well, I mean... Ow!
- Why is it hard for you to say?
- Sorry. I'm so sorry.
- You're a good person.
- I am, you think so?
- Very good.
Thank you for saying that.
That means a lot. Ha.
- I finally feel like I can breathe again.
- Good.
What happened to him?
He got smoked by a bus while he was
having a bake sale for cancer kids.
- For cancer kids?
- Yeah.
Well, he's a great person.
Bad things happen to good people
all the time.
Of course they do.
What am I even chasing here?
What's the point of being a good person?
Some say moral integrity
is the cornerstone to humanity.
What do you know, you idiot?
You choked on gum.
Hey, don't shoot the bike messenger.
That is a terrible joke!
And none of this makes any sense.
Hey, Nick.
[SIGHS]
Look, I know you're really angry
and you have a right to be.
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
I have the right to be?
Why do you feel like you need to fix me?
It's like you think you know better.
- I might know better than you.
- Huh!
Did you start a corporation?
- Is it "Fat Face"?
- I think so.
- Yeah.
- You're getting taxed like crazy.
- I thought I was filing a patent.
- Fat Face is an invention?
Kind of, in its intention... It was...
- Are you a lifeguard?
- No. That is a false certificate.
Just a classic beach prank.
- That seems dangerous.
- It's funny. Ha, ha.
Because I can't swim. Everyone was
watching me and... I don't know.
I was 13! I was 26.
This is the problem with the box:
It's my private stuff.
You've never once done jury duty
or paid your taxes.
Not until gay marriage is legal everywhere.
I stand by that.
And I don't want to do
jury duty or pay taxes.
Nick, you're in a so much debt, it's crazy.
You have to deal with this stuff.
No, I don't, Jess. It's in my box.
It's not true though.
It's not a perfect system, Jess...
but it's mine, okay, and it's private.
I'm sorry I went through your box,
but I was just trying to help.
Maybe I'll try to help you.
What if I went into your box?
- Not that...
- Stop it.
I like that box, but I'm mad at you...
I'm back to you disrespected me.
I was just trying to help.
How about this? Two can help, okay?
If two are gonna help,
then I'll be one of them.
Because two can tango on this dance, okay?
So you want to waltz,
well, you picked the wrong dance partner.
What? It's not...
Who needs changing, huh?
Who needs fixing?
I'm gonna go through your personal drawers
and see what needs changing.
- What are you, a zoo elephant?
- Those are my night peanuts.
There shouldn't be day peanuts
and night peanuts. Just peanuts.
I'm sorry, why is that weird?
You just have a bunch of boxes?
I would change that.
Oh, you have a bunch of metal toothpicks.
- Bobby pins.
- What's a bobby pins?
- It keeps your hair back.
- You need bobby's pins to put your hair up?
It's "bobby pins," not "bobby's pins."
- What is this?
- Yarn.
Are you knitting a mansion?
Oh, look at this. What do we have here?
- A bunch of beat-up old sacks.
- My vintage purses.
Well, you know what, they could be sexier.
You want my purses to be sexier?
Would it kill you to get something sleek,
covered in gems for once...?
You want my purses
to be covered in gemstones?
All guys do. That's what we think is sexy.
We wanna be playing a saxophone
in an alley...
and have you walk by in a miniskirt
with a purse with gems.
- But you girls don't listen.
- What?
- Change you.
- No.
- This all needs changing.
- Hey, no, no...
- That's disrespectful.
- Done.
- Nick, stop it.
- No.
This is the grossest thing
I've ever seen in my life.
- I got that for a nickel.
- Disgusting.
- You're just trying to get a rise out of me.
- Oh, my God.
- Got a lot of compliments on that one.
- Gone.
- Nick.
- What?
Stop it. Look, I like you the way you are.
I'm just asking you to grow a little.
Are we ever gonna get to the point
where you stop working on me?
Well, instead of changing me...
maybe once, Jess, see it my way.
Well, your way's crazy. And illegal.
This is me. Take it or leave it.
I'm not changing for anyone.
Where are you going?
If you have something to say, say it.
Don't write a note.
That the money I spent.
- Do what you want with it.
- Thank you.
Couple of best-friend horses. That's neat.
What else can you get...?
[SIGHS]
It doesn't make any sense.
Can you not see I'm in the middle
of a Bar Mitzvah class here?
Yeah, they should hear this.
A man helping cancer kids
got creamed by a bus today.
- Everything happens for a reason.
- What if it doesn't happen for a reason?
Maybe there aren't good guys
and bad guys.
Maybe there are just winners and losers.
I was beating myself up, but, heh,
maybe I should have been celebrating.
Have you ever dated two women at once?
What are you talking about? I went to camp.
They used to call me the octopus.
- Clearly, you have not.
- Enough. You get out of here.
- Out.
- Don't "out" me.
- You're getting a little handsy there.
- Get out.
I realized nothing matters
and that's great. Know why?
Because if nothing matters,
we can do whatever we want.
Avram, Julio!
- Get away from me, man.
- Kick his ass.
All right, okay. YOLO, YOLO.
Nick's right.
I have too many purses.
You're addicted to purses.
I'm addicted to development fluid.
I get it.
This one's for meat.
- And this one's for shells.
- You know what?
- Keep them. They're yours.
- Okay, thanks.
The ass of your pants is missing.
It's for the kitty cats.
[CELL PHONE RINGING]
- My phone's ringing.
- Sure. Ha, ha.
- Hello?
- I'm like a pretty lady.
What's happening?
Sorry to bother you.
This man was trying to open an account
with a check in your name...
and a paper bag full of money. - Please
stop hovering? I'm being cooperative.
It's fine. He's okay. Thank you.
Opening a bank account, huh?
- Yeah, I, uh, realized something.
- What?
I'd do anything for you, Jess.
Hey.
Thank you.
All right, Mr. Miller,
your checking account is good to go.
There's an $8 processing fee.
Eight dollars? That's a
very specific amount.
- That's fine. It's your world, your rules.
- Excellent.
If you go to the castle,
you gotta pay the king.
What is processing? What does that mean?
It's just a word you use
to make more money off of us.
- That makes me mad.
- Me too. Yeah.
Hey, how about this? What's a bank?
- It's just a paper bag with walls.
- Yeah.
You're making some really,
really good points.
You are the puppeteers
that puppet the world.
NICK:
No more banks.
Or some banks, I don't care,
but I want my money on a boat.
I understood at least 30 percent
of the financial crisis.
And guess what I got from that? You suck.
- Yeah.
- You suck so hard.
I'm gonna process this man's face.
Because I think he's great.
And I'm crazy about him.
Fine, I'll waive the fee.
Yeah! We won $8.
Just wait till you have children.
You'll never touch each other again.
JESS: Banks suck, banks suck, banks suck.
NICK: Ha, ha!
- What happened to you?
- Got beat up by some rabbis.
Well, Winston, we're all alone.
Nothing matters.
Look, Schmidt, stop, all right?
You're a good man.
You did a bad thing, doesn't make you bad.
You just have to try to be better.
You know?
I've been waiting all day for somebody to
tell me that. I appreciate it. Thank you.
I want you to have something.
Winston, literally,
a gift is the last thing I deser...
- Here you go.
- This is a candelabra.
Yeah. I bought it with the money
that Nick owed me.
- This is what you spent it on?
- It's yours.
"May it illuminate your path...
and lead you out of the darkness."
That what it says on the bottom.
"May it illuminate your path
and lead you out of the darkness."
Uh, thank you for this. Really.
Look at it every single
day and tell yourself:
"I'm a good person." Because you are.
You know what I might do?
And it might seem like the opposite...
what I'm thinking is maybe
I put it away somewhere...
like in the back of my closet
so to keep away from thieves.
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.
Can you be honest?
How many times you rub this
and think a genie was gonna come out?
- I rubbed it like three times.
- Yeah. I thought so.
- I'm not...
- If a genie did come out...
what would you wish for?
- Ha, ha.
- More candelabras.
- Yeah, I bet.