New Girl (2011–2018): Season 3, Episode 23 - Cruise - full transcript

Guys, we're going on a cruise
and you guys are coming with us.

- And none of you have a choice.
- Ha-ha-ha.

A cruise? If I wanted to watch a heavyset
guy in sandals eating with his hands...

I’d watch Nick in the kitchen.

When we were together, we booked a cruise.
We tried to get our money back...

but it's non-refundable.
- Non-refundable. Yeah.

- They made that very clear.
- Seemed like a safe bet at the time.

I don't want a refund on my cruises
and I don't want a refund on you.

JESS: We're never gonna die.
NICK: Yeah.

- Y'all nasty.
JESS: Aah!

Aah! Yeah.



- Where you going?
- Yes.

What are you doing now? Oh, there she...

- Turns out, I do want a refund on you.
- [MOUTHS] On me.

Give me my money back.

Anyway, they let us downgrade
our Lover's Suite...

to include four more people,
and that's you.

I have concerns about going
with two people that just broke up.

- I have the exact same concern.
- I don't wanna go.

- I have strong qualms as well.
- He got qualms.

Put those qualms away. It's gonna be fine.
We are killing this break up. Honestly.

We'll be on a ship in the middle
of the ocean with no escape.

What if you guys fight
and we're stuck out there with you?

- It'll be like a floating, all-you-can-eat prison.
- I promise you, no weirdness.

That's an excuse to go out in my
new bikini, which could be good.



- I'm in.
JESS: Full steam ahead.

- We have two onboard.
- No.

Let's not do nautical puns, please.

If we're gonna do nautical puns,
we shouldn't go.

- That's fair, and I won't.
- I'm in too.

I have an idea. Just throwing this out there.
What if we do the cruise on the ground?

- Like, on land.
- That's silly.

- Are you scared of boats or something?
- Me, afraid of boats?

- You're afraid of boats, dude.
- Hold on, hold on.

- You're scared of boats.
- Is it the boats or the water? Can you swim?

- You feel safe now?
- Yeah.

I don't need to be saved, man. I'm brave.

I take dumps standing up. I'm a man.

[SINGING] Who's that girl?

CORUS: Who's that girl?
- It's Jess

Schmidt, you got any fisherman's pants
I can borrow?

- What's that?
- It's a class ring for Cece.

She got her GED and I've
been tutoring her...

so I had this made.

- What?
- Shame, shame, I know your name

Please don't "shame, shame" me, Winston.

You still in love with her.

- I am not still in love with her.
- You're alone on a boat with Cece.

Romantic cruise and you give her jewelry.

- Then what?
- Tell her I'm still in love with her...

and we have sex till the boat sinks.
- I knew it.

- To the bottom of the ocean.
- Bottom of the ocean.

The sand, the mackerel, the chum,
and whatever else is there.

- Crabs.
- Not the crabs.

- You don't want that.
- Don't tell anyone.

I'm serious, Winston. Do not tell anyone.

What are you doing?

You are so weird. Can you ever just
leave the room like a normal person?

ALL: [CHANTING] Cruise, cruise, cruise.
- Yeah.

A little tight.

With the amount of stuff we're gonna be
doing, we're barely gonna be in the room.

JESS & NICK [CHANTING]:
Cruise, cruise, cruise.

Welcome aboard The Wave Dancer.

Your home for the next five days.

I'm your captain, Jan Nortis.

And I invite you
to dance on the waves with me.

- Yeah.
JESS [CHANTING]: Cruise, cruise, cruise.

- Cruise, cruise, cruise.
- I'm gonna get drunk.

- Sorry.
- Enthusiasm. I like these people.

Friendship is the most crucial ingredient
to any sea adventure...

second only to buoyancy.

Because the ship has to float.

JESS: Ha-ha-ha
- Oh, okay.

- I didn't know where you was going with it.
- We love you, captain.

Everybody, my name is Doug.

- Hi, Doug.
- I'm Winston.

Does anyone know what to do
in case of an emergency?

Uh-oh.
It looks like we're all in the same boat.

Excuse me, if we could continue on
without nautical puns, that'd be great.

- Feels like that's the lowest form of humor.
- Looks like I found a Grumpy Gus.

- I'm sorry, a what?
- Boo and hiss.

Folks, if you see Gus frowning around
brighten his day by giving him a tickle.

- A what?
- A tickle.

- Tickle.
- Enough.

I don't like to be tickled, you guys.
All right. Enough.

We have fun, but the ocean does not.

- What?
- Listen to what I have to say...

if you don't want to die.

Don't worry. Everyone who works on a cruise
ship is a performer. They're just doing a show.

- What are talk to me about it for?
- I thought you should know.

- You're scared.
- I'm not scared.

- What are you talking about?
- Of course. It's okay.

I need a volunteer to
help with emergency...

I'll do it. I don't care.
Because I'm not scared.

- I'll volunteer my ass off.
- All right. All right.

I ain't afraid of you.

- Let's say it's 3 a.m.
- Three a.m.

- There's alarms going off...
- What?

Freezing sea water up to your ankles.

Adults are screaming, babies are crying.

Go, go, go. You're up on deck. There's an
Italian guy strapping chairs together.

- You don't know what's going on.
- I don't.

- What do you do?
- I get back in the boat?

You get in the boat.
You're getting in the boat? Wrong.

Wrong. The first thing you do is you make sure
your life preserver is strapped on correctly.

Screw that, man. I'm getting in the boat.

- Get out of my way.
- Where you going, Coach?

He's paddling to heaven
because he's already dead.

- Don't say that!
- Spread your wings, angel.

- Douglas.
COACH: Oh, my God. Stroke.

- It's a little too much.
COACH: Stroke.

- How do you do these?
- Alrighty. Okay.

COACH: Stroke, stroke.
- You're safe. You're okay. You're okay.

You're okay, you're okay, you're okay.

Shh!

[SINGING] Amazing grace

I'm not afraid of boats.

DOUG:
How sweet

No one's afraid.

The sound

- Okay, I'm good. I'm good. I'm good.
- You okay?

[SCREAMING]

Thank you.

Thank you all for coming to the...
To the seminar.

Remember to sign up
for the volleyball tournament.

JESS: Hey, Coach?
CECE: You okay, buddy?

- You okay, pal?
- No, you guys have fun.

I'm just gonna hang out
in the room for a bit.

- See you later.
- Right on.

Cruise... Cruise. Cruise.

What should we do first?

- Cheer up, Grumpy Gus.
- All right! Cut your fingernails, man!

Nice. There's tickling.
Hey, hey, guys. The captain's coming.

NICK: It's the captain.
WINSTON: What's up, captain?

Hello, again. I'm Captain Jan Nortis,
as I previously stated.

I would just like to say that
I am a fan of your enthusiasm.

Oh, no, no, no. Please, don't do that.

- Sorry.
- I may be a captain...

but first and foremost, I am a woman.

Absolutely.

Come on. Did anyone just see
that she was flirting like crazy with Nick?

That was like the most shameless flirting
I've ever seen.

"Keep it in your pants," is all I
have to say to Captain Jan Nortis.

- You're being really weird.
- Here we go.

- This is starting now already.
- I'm not being weird.

- Creating an awkward situation for no reason.
- Don't do this.

If this ship moves as fast as that captain,
we'll be in Ensenada by 6.

Well, she was flirting with you,
which I'm okay with...

because she is a handsome woman.

Jess, stop. You're being weird.

No, I'm not being weird.

I'm not being weird.

- I am... I am being weird.
- Focus up for a second.

They say this is an all-inclusive trip,
but you know what that means.

From their eyes, you have a couple drinks
and you're done. And what've you paid for?

- We're smarter than that.
- We are.

We're gonna take every class,
do every activity.

- We'll get our money's worth. Got it?
- Okay.

Jessica Day and Nick Miller.

All right, Day-Miller party.

Here is your itinerary
for the Grand Romance Package...

No. No.

Yeah, we're looking for something
more like PG-13.

What do you...?
Do you have a friendship package...?

What package would you recommend
for brothers looking for trouble?

The Grand Romance Package
is non-refundable.

Well, we're not doing that, so we're good.

Are you sure?
This includes over $600 of activities...

- We're gonna do it.
- We're not.

Six hundred dollars? That is 600 $1 bills.

That's the only way I can imagine it.
We can do this.

We're gonna get our money's worth.
We're the best ex-couple in the world.

- Yeah, we are.
- Yes. Okay?

You guys are exes?
Yeah, you're not gonna wanna do this.

- We're doing it.
- Give us the folder.

I just wanted to...

- Grumpy Gus.
- No! No! No!

- Grumpy.
- Sweet mother of sea dragon.

What? What happened?

I just witnessed a dolphin
being cut straight in half by our keel.

- It's a ghastly sight.
- What?

- That's horrible.
- That's right.

- Terrible.
- It's a shame about that dolphin, man.

It is. What?

As your bodies become one...

follow your breath through your spine...

to the soles of your feet
and into your genitals.

- What?
- Ha-ha-ha.

- Into my genitals?
- Yeah.

- Breathe into your genitals.
- We're not breathing into my genitals, lady.

All right, lovers, let's get sexy.
Give me your sexiest pose here.

- This is it.
MAN: Sexiest pose.

- This is it.
- That's not... It's not romantic in any way.

Think about the first time you kissed.
How was it? You could move in.

Come back in.

Come back in.

I've never done a couple's massage
on exes before.

In case you're wondering
what that scar on his back is...

it's from falling on
a fence when he was 6.

I was legally dead for 10 minutes.

We're going to make all the towel animals you
guys find in your rooms every single night.

- We made laundry.
- Nice.

- We're just totally different people.
- Yeah, we just didn't belong together.

MAN:
Really bumming me out.

Hey, Jess,
is this doing weird stuff to your eyes?

- Definitely.
- Give me five.

This is the payday.

JESS: You know what? You were right.
This isn't weird at all.

No, it isn't.

- Are they out of rosé?
- You know what?

This is an old bartending trick, Jess.

Put your glass out.

- You go like this.
- No way.

- Look at that. You got rosé.
- You're a genius.

- I think I'm smarter at sea.
- Ha-ha-ha.

You look...

- You look like you belong here.
- What's that, on a ship?

Yeah, you too.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Oh, yo. Yo. Yo, yo, yo.

Yo, pal. Yo.

- Well, that was a mistake.
- Yes, it was.

- That was not on purpose.
- My fault too.

Yeah, it was...
We can't do the Grand Romance Package.

- I agree.
- It's too much. It's too intense.

- They whip you into this sexual frenzy.
- I know, it's weird. I feel like...

Everything's fine. It's not a big deal.
We're good. Everything's good.

Yeah, no problem.

JESS: All right. Bye, dude.
NICK: Bye.

Jess, I've been looking all over for you.

I was hoping that as a group,
we could do a little night fishing...

that I already put a deposit down on,
so we're going.

And if we don't catch anything, they'll let us
shoot a machine gun directly into the water.

- That is international waters for you.
- I would really love nothing more...

than to go out and shoot a bunch of fish
in the face with you...

but that's more of a Nick thing.

Yesterday we decided
it'd be better for everyone if we just...

spent the rest of the time apart.

- What?
- I'm really sorry.

I wanted this to be a great vacation
for you guys.

But look, we split up the ship.
I took starboard, he took the other one.

I got the starboard
and she got the other side.

What are you doing?
You're by an exhaust vent.

It keeps the side of my face warm
and sounds like the ocean.

More than the ocean sounds like the ocean?

Come on, you guys can't be separate
the whole trip.

The trip just made it clear,
the break up's too hard.

- I don't think we can be friends for a while.
- What?

- You're not gonna be friends with Jess?
- Even you guys said it, it's just too weird.

That's like the president and vice
president not being best friends.

- They're not.
- Everybody knows they're best friends.

- They work together, they're not friends.
- They're the president and vice president.

- Okay.
- Is this something you're okay with?

No, I'm not. But what am I gonna do?

Look, we all have to be together on
this trip. That's why we came here.

Nick, there's gotta be something I can do.

- You know what you could do?
- Anything, come on.

You can cash in my Skee-Ball tickets
on the other side of the boat.

Get me one of those toy spiders I was
talking about before. If they're out...

- All right. All right.
Then grab me a bunch of erasers.

The opportunity has not presented itself
as I'd hoped it would, so I'm creating it.

Now, when I say, "May our progeny
bathe in the infinite glow"...

that's your cue. Now,
what did I just say?

- You repeat it so I know that you know the cue.
- May our pro... What?

What's wrong with you?

- Unbelievable. I'll just say go.
- I don't know what you're saying.

When I say "go," you start to play.
Now, before she sees...

Just get behind... Get behind the vent.
Get behind the vent.

[CLEARS THROAT]

- Cece.
- Hey.

Your hair in the moonlight,
it looks so shiny.

I'm trying to get a signal so I can talk to
Buster, but it's just impossible out here.

In the moonlight, your eyes,
they sparkle like fish eyes.

I got one. Do I have to hold it
at this angle the whole time?

Why is it so important for you
to get in touch with Buster?

Look, you know better than anyone...

that I don't have the best of luck
with relationships.

And I know you think he's young for me...

I don't.

I just want you to be happy.

Thank you.

Guys. Guys.
You gotta come with me right now.

Be warned though, there is a weird guy
with a violin hiding behind this vent.

A what?

Dude.

- Come on.
- What's going on?

I will... I will knock you out
where you stand, sir.

Get back there.

They're gonna take a break from
being friends? What's that mean?

Guys, this is on us. We put the pressure
on them to not be weird.

What were we thinking? Of course
they'll be weird. They just broke up.

That's on y'all. I've nothing to do with that.
I just been here hanging out, singing songs.

[SINGING OFF-KEY]
He was safe in the room

He was safe You will live...

I've been trying to get them
to talk to each other all morning, okay?

I passed up on breakfast pizza
and single's Bingo.

And those Bingo chicks, they put out.

Bingo.

- They're not gonna listen to us.
- Don't ever do that again.

The Bingo thing?
That's what they say when I...

- You know who they will listen to though?
- A doctor. President.

What were you gonna say?

- The captain.
- The captain.

NORTIS [OVER PA]:
Attention, this is your captain.

Would Nick Miller and Jessica Day
please return to their stateroom...

for a non-life-threatening
but necessary official maritime reason.

This is not an emergency.
It is definitely not.

- Hey.
- Did you hear the captain?

- Yes.
- Go, go, go.

It's okay, it's just us.

This is not a drill.

Okay, the door is locked,
the do-not-disturb sign has been employed.

We are not leaving here
until you guys are friends again.

- We just wanted to spend our vacation alone...
- Yes.

On separate, strange parts of the ship.
- Yeah, it's...

I wanted to see how the ship worked.
It's interesting.

And I wanted to see how the other
side worked. It's interesting.

We should've never asked you guys
not to be weird around us.

We want you to be weird around us.
Just let us in.

Open your cellar doors
and let us taste your jams.

You want to taste our jams?

- You lost me.
- Listen to yourself for once in your life.

- It's my jam and you can't have it.
- First of all, that's my ex-girlfriend's jam, dude.

You know what? All of us are weird,
but we're all still friends.

So let's talk about it. I'll go first.

I've made out with
half of the guys in this room.

- Okay, that's a start, that's a start.
- All right. Sure.

And I have had nightmares about making out
with the other two guys in this room.

- So yourself.
- And me.

- Nick and Winston.
CECE: Okay.

- It's good to admit that.
- I respect that.

Yeah, thanks for sharing.

Um, It really bums me out that
I'll never know the infinite joy...

of what it feels like
to carry a child inside of me.

- Wow. See?
- That's honesty.

- That's how it's done.
- Okay, um...

- Here we go. Up we go.
- I feel like it is really weird that...

I live with my ex-boyfriend.

CECE:
See? There you go.

- Just turn on the tap and let it out.
- Very nice.

That was cool that you admitted that.

I feel weird about living with my ex-girlfriend.
I think it's a landmine for trouble.

What happens when hunks come around?

What happens when you bring
some ho bag in the house?

Exactly. That is scary stuff.
When a breakup happens you mostly get away.

Because I'm gonna beat her ass.

- What if she's bigger than you?
- She probably will be.

Snap. That was good.

- Good for you. I saw that.
- Yes.

- This is how it all starts.
- That's good, man. It's really good.

- It's nice to talk to you about this.
- Yeah, it was really weird when you...

tried to kiss me last night
and licked my ear.

- What?
- You guys kissed last night?

- This is so confusing.
- It was just a lapse.

- It was gross.
- You're back together?

- We're not.
- You're confusing everybody.

It was the Grand Romance Package.

Oh, my God. They were like
folding these towels, it was so sexy.

You try folding towels like that,
see if you don't get turned on.

Yeah, because they fold the towels
like vaginas.

Swans, dude.

The yoga instructor was like breathing
into our genitals and like...

- It opened everyone up in a real true way.
- Yeah. Absolutely.

This thing was ready to talk
to that thing again.

Emotionally and sexually.

- What?
- What's wrong with you, man?

- Are you crazy?
SCHMIDT: Pick one. You're together or not.

COACH:
I'm gonna punch you in the face, bro.

- Things are really weird.
- Agreed.

But I'm okay with it.

Me too.

Hey there.

- Okay. Good enough, good start.
- Wonderful.

- Thank you for doing this weird intervention.
- This was great.

It worked out. Everybody's good now.

JESS: Let's go eat our weight in fake crab.
- There you go.

- All right.
- I need to get drunk.

- All right.
- Trying to get us psyched up.

- The door's stuck. Is that part of your thing?
- No.

- Call security.
- I got rid of the phone.

- I thought it'd be more intense.
SCHMIDT: You murdered us.

- What?
WINSTON: Open up. Open up.

- Watch out.
- It's usually the handle.

- I'll do it.
- If you can just get the handle going.

Guys, guys, guys. Calm down.

How long could it take
for someone to hear us?

[FLY BUZZING]

We did bad things to the tub.

[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]

I got the sugars. I'm the sugar man.
Ha-ha-ha.

Silence. I have the talking soap.

JESS:
I'm the queen of Wednesday.

It's so nice to have a family portrait.

We should shower less.
I think we look really great.

I'm really glad we framed this.
I mean, what a proud moment.

It is cool being in the paper though.

Part of me died on that boat.

I will never be the same again.

All right. Take a nap. Sleep it off, man.

I'm sorry, is Cece checking out Schmidt?

What?

Let me see that.

What are you talking about, Winston?

Shame, shame, I know your name

You do not know my name, Winston.

WINSTON:
Cece got a boyfriend who used to be fatty.

CECE: Yeah, you'd better run, bitch.
WINSTON: Ow, ow, ow!

That's my mustache.

I've been thinking a lot
about your sleeping arrangements.

- Weird.
- And I might have an idea...

on how to make things
a little bit less weird.

- Really? What is it?
- Two words:

- Bunk beds.
- No, I'm not putting bunk beds in my room.

Not in your room. In my room.

It'll just be like college, my man.
Only with way more sex.

- What?
- That came out wrong.

I'm not bunking with you, Schmidt.

Yeah, he is.

- Yeah, he is.
- Yeah, he is.

There's gonna be a lot of rules
and I'm gonna make them.

You can make them all, man.
Except for the ones that I make.

First one in gets dibs.