New Girl (2011–2018): Season 3, Episode 22 - Dance - full transcript
Jess fears someone is trying to sabotage her first middle school dance and she enlists the gang to help her chaperone on the big night.
JESS: Thanks for helping me
with my school dance.
Ripped By mstoll
"Love is forever and ever and ever..."
How many "and evers"?
Technically infinity. But I could only fit 12.
Wow, this is gonna be tough for you.
Yes. Foster said we couldn't afford it
but I really stuck my neck out for this dance.
No, I mean because the theme
of the dance is Love is Forever and...
...Nick and the breakup...
What? No. Cece, look, you remember
what school dances were like for me.
They were miserable.
I was just waiting in the bathroom...
...for Tim Keymaker to magically appear
and ask me out.
I remember it. I was smoking in the stall
next to you.
We get it. You were bad.
I just don't want it to be like it was for me.
I want them to have an incredible time.
My life is a bit of a mess right now.
But the one thing I can do
is throw an amazing dance for them.
"Love is forever and ever and ever..."
What's this?
The theme of Jess' school dance.
- It's pretty ironic.
- Jess, you poor thing. Come here.
- Come here.
- What?
- There. All right.
- What are you doing?
Okay.
Oh, I know. I know.
What's happening?
I got hug number two locked and loaded.
Soft or hard, up to you.
- I know.
- Schmidt.
[SINGING]
Who's that girl?
CORUS: Who's that girl?
- It's Jess
- Oi, oi, oi, I needed a shvitz.
- Yeah, me too.
My arms are so sore.
I've been doing so many push-up's.
That seems like a lie.
No, I'm trying to stay fit after the break-up.
I've been eating salads...
...you know, no dressing.
- Mostly just protein.
- What kind of salads?
Little chopped up pieces of ham.
- Just the ham?
- Yeah.
I don't like the lettuce.
It's gross to eat stuff that's green.
- You know, baby steps...
- Not baby steps, there's big pieces of ham.
- Okay.
- You know, it's good.
I genuinely miss goofing around with Jess.
Break-up's aren't supposed to be easy.
That's really mature of you, man.
We're doing something, we're not allowed to
be in a room alone together without Winston.
He just naturally takes the sexual tension
out of the room.
What did you guys want?
See? I'm proud of you.
That's what I'm talking about.
We're men. We've felt pain.
We've survived it.
Look at me. I'm watching Cece
drool over some 20-year-old.
How could she be interested in a boy
when she could have these ripe berries?
- Look at these, Nick.
- Put your towel down.
Oh, God, I need a shvitz.
Why does my sweat smell like asparagus?
He does take all the sexual tension
out of a room.
I heat up every room I walk into.
Put me next to a dozen eggs,
they hatching.
You know why?
Because I got the heat of a mother hen.
There was no sexual tension in here
before he got here.
Keep telling yourself that, Nick.
Congrats, chaperones. With your help,
tonight is going to be unforgettable.
- I didn't sign up for this.
- No, you didn't.
None of you did. In fact, none of you have ever
signed up for any school event ever.
Which means you've never felt the joy
of exchanging your free time for a child's smile.
I never volunteered because of
my Munchausen syndrome.
- Are we getting paid?
- You will get paid.
Actually, in attractive hats that I made.
They say "Chaperone."
Ha, ha.
And Gary the Janitor's
says "Clean Up Crew."
You call me Gary the Janitor as if
me being ajanitor is my whole identity.
It's like someone calling you
"Jess the 3rd Hottest White Teacher."
- Okay.
- Are we done? I'm gonna say we're done.
TEACHER: Yeah, okay.
- Thanks, guys. Good meeting.
MAN: I don't know where I'm supposed to be.
JESS: Thanks, guys.
It's gonna be great.
You don't have to wear that, Coach.
As far as I'm concerned,
this dance starts now.
I know how important this dance is to you.
Those kids won't get away with anything.
If they wanna bang, they're gonna have to bang
through me. Wait.
If they wanna bang, they're gonna have to bang
through me! Wait.
Hey, Wendy.
Whoa, that shirt's scary.
- You going to the dance tonight?
- My mom's making me go.
Making you go
to the best night of your life?
Your mom sounds really cool.
Come on, at your age,
love is forever and ever and ever.
- What are you gonna wear?
- This shirt.
Oh. Oh!
That is the best idea I've heard
all week.
Whoo, scary shirt!
We all think that you're an idiot
for dating this 14-year-old.
- He's 20.
- That means he was 7...
...when Good Will Hunting came out,
7, Cece.
Good Will Hunting.
Let me go, let me go. Check this out.
Cece's boyfriend is so young that...
Come back to me.
Buster's more of a man than all of you.
He's been to like 40 countries, he builds boats,
he used to train snakes with his uncle...
Earning a respectable wage.
Wearing a proper-hanging pair of slacks.
Ordering sushi like a sick-ass boss.
These things a man maketh.
So stupid stuff you do?
Technically, you guys are men, but all you do
is hang out with each other.
- Like you're 12.
- What do you know? You're just a stupid girl.
- Yeah.
- Okay, I got it. Okay.
Cece's boyfriend is so young that...
How young is he?
Winston, it's not working, man. I'm serious.
- I'm at my wit's end with you.
- What?
Wait a minute.
Why is the door locked?
The dance starts in 5 minutes.
Gary, thank God you're here.
Can you unlock the door?
No. I didn't put that there.
What? Who else could've done it?
We can't start the dance
if the door is locked.
Don't tell me I wore my raw denim
for no reason. Don't you dare tell me that!
- I'm not telling you that.
- The dance is canceled?
No. There's gonna be a dance.
It'll be great, perfect, lovely...
...and it will celebrate love is forever
and ever and ever...
Where are you guys going?
In life, nowhere.
But I know I don't wanna be here.
Guys, please stay.
It would really mean a lot to me.
MAN:
Boring.
It's Jess. All of her chaperones just bailed.
She needs help.
A lady needs help? Is that ajob for a boy?
NICK: No.
- Or a man?
[CHANTING]
Men! Men! Men!
Men! Men! Men!
The dummy patrol is ready.
Men! Men!
Man.
- So stupid.
- Are you okay for real?
- You got any ice?
- Rub his shoulder.
I'll get him ice. I'll get ice.
- You all right?
- Man!
Okay, just sit back.
Nick, get the ice!
How do you know how to do that?
A tire iron is actually strong enough to break
a high-carbon steel steering wheel lock...
...so I figured it would work with this.
- Cece scares me sometimes.
- Just tip of the iceberg, my friend.
CECE:
Got it.
- Yes! Yes!
- There we go. Now we're cooking with gas.
JESS:
Everything's back on track, guys.
This bike lock was a real punk move.
Seems like there's a lot of punks here.
Did you do this? Hey.
COACH: Hey. Easy, easy.
- You do this?
If anyone's messing with this dance,
it's one of those teachers.
Those hats were begging for payback.
Hey, listen up, chaperones.
You will obey all of my instructions.
This means everything to Jess.
Your asses belong to me now.
Which means, I currently have four asses.
The three of yours and mine!
I think we're capable of handling
a bunch of pre-pubescent kids.
Do you think you are tough, Winston?
You have no idea what these little bastards
are capable of.
I mean, I love them.
I love them with all my heart.
But they will
hurt your feelings sometimes.
He's right. I remember
sticks and stones may break your bones...
...but not if you're a fat kid
with calcium deficiency.
Schmidt, you're on snack table duty.
Keep the chip bowls full.
Don't let kids spike the punch and make sure
Diabetic Amy only has four cookies.
Diabetic Amy ain't gonna get no cookies
on my watch.
She has to have at least two
or she'll pass out.
- She'll get nothing as far as I'm concerned.
- At least two or she'll pass out.
- All right, Winston?
- Yes, sir.
- Dance floor duty.
- You shouldn't have said that.
That is the perfect place.
I got so much heat coming off me.
No, no, no. No heat. No heat.
None. Hey, look at me. No heat.
The opposite of heat.
Six inches separation at all times.
Nobody's getting pregnant tonight.
That's the same thing I say on my dates.
It's not cool.
- Let's hit it.
- Hey, hey. Saving the best for last?
I'm sorry, Nick,
you're not chaperone material.
I've been at this job for a few weeks
and I know the stink of a bad kid.
That makes me the perfect candidate
to be a chaperone, Coach.
Just think about it,
I can get in the mind of a bad kid.
Think like him. Go deep.
I could go too deep.
I'll put you in the parking lot to sweep
for stragglers.
- You want me on the streets.
- It's not that important of ajob.
I won't let you down.
I'm not gonna let you down.
You taking a break right now?
[CARLY RAE JEPSEN'S "CALL ME
MAYBE" PLAYING ON SPEAKERS]
You gave me nothing at all
But still you're in my way
I beg, and borrow and steal
Have foresight and it's real
I didn't know I would feel it
You got to get the heat move...
You gotta move... No heat. No heat.
No heat, Bishop. No heat.
Keep that heat locked up.
Keep that heat.
[SINGING]
Think you're going, baby
[MUMBLING]
This is crazy
- Put that heat away, Bishop!
- All right. Yeah.
You got that.
What are you looking at?
Cool mustache.
Too much heat.
Too much heat.
All right, kids, let's use the serving tongs!
This isn't Appalachia.
Hurry up, everybody,
before Justin eats everything.
Son, I don't think you meant
to hurt Justin's feelings there.
What's going on, really?
The parents fighting at home?
- Leave me alone, flamer.
- Flamer?
- You're the flamer, pal.
- You're the flamer.
- You're the flamer.
- Flamer.
- Stop saying that word. It's offensive, flamer.
- Flamer.
- Take a doughnut, you flamer.
BOY: Flamer.
Schmidt, I got a bit of a situation here.
Um, thoughts? Advice?
What now? Son of a... Penis.
That wasn't better.
Sorry, everyone.
You were right. Someone's trying to mess with
my dance.
It's paste, and it's fresh.
[HUMMING NEARBY]
Banana in the dark.
Uh-oh.
You ruined my dance!
I can smell the paste. Perpetrator!
[WHISPERING]
He's in there.
When we get in there, I'm going
to be good cop, you be bad cop, okay.
Got it.
There are two ways this could go. Number one,
you tell us why you ruined the dance.
Number two: I bash your skull in
with a carburetor!
- I thought I was bad cop.
- You are bad cop.
I'm the tough, competent cop,
who's good at herjob...
...you're the bumbly, dumb cop who's nice...
- See, that's not how it works though.
- The good cop is nice, the bad cop is mean.
- That'd be nice cop, mean cop.
- That's how it works on every cop show.
- I watch cop shows.
- You need to pay more attention.
- What do you aawul women want?
We want to know why you locked the door
and poured glue in the breaker.
I didn't do any of that.
Why would anybody want to ruin
such a magical night?
You're the one who wanted to have this
dance. Revenge would be my guess.
- What do you know?
- You have the grip of a much taller woman.
And I don't not like that.
CECE:
Ugh.
- What's up? Hanging in the parking lot.
- We don't need a chaperone.
Calling me a 'rone?
I'm not a 'rone.
I'm basically the same guy as you.
We're wearing the same shirt. I'm a good guy.
I'm having fun. I'm just...
I'm bored in there. I'm looking to hang out.
Is that a crime, officers?
You guys got any billy whizz? Any juice,
any sweet Mary Jane? I'm looking.
If you're really not a chaperone,
why don't you take a sip of this.
- Maybe I will, maybe I won't. Nothing to prove.
- You a 'rone or not?
Give me that.
[BOTH CHUCKLING]
What is that? Is that a suicide?
- Soda flavors all mixed together?
- You know it.
That was super-intense.
Sorry I spit some of it up.
He's cool.
[NICK CHUCKLES]
BOY:
Hi, guys. Hey!
Hey, buddy. Tommy? I just wanted to apologize
for what happened before.
What, are you gonna propose to me now?
[SCHMIDT LAUGHS]
That's funny. You know, when I was young,
I, too, found that humor can be a useful tool.
Dude, get up. I'm not gonna marry you.
I found that humor could be a useful tool,
and then you grow up and become a man.
- You smell like a woman.
- That's it! Enough is enough.
You think you're a tough guy, tough guy.
Prove it, man.
- Name the time and place.
- Fifteen minutes. Parking lot.
- Fist fight?
- Foot race.
- What?
- Yeah, you heard me. Foot race, man.
I'll run circles around you and all your pals.
[GIRLS GIGGLING]
Oh, you guys are multiplying like bunnies.
There's a lot more of you than there is of me.
[WINSTON GIGGLES]
We should lock the doors.
No one gets in, no one gets out.
The culprit's inside. It's Gosford Park!
- You need to calm down, Jess.
- I can't calm down. I want this to be perfect.
I know, but there are kids doing their
homework in there. It's bleak.
I know after what happened with Nick,
you wanted this to go great, but...
It's not your fault that the dance got messed
up, all right? You'll get them next time.
BOTH [CHANTING]:
Chug, chug, chug!
Oh, that's a sugar rush, man!
That's a buzz in the brain.
You guys see how high I just got?
- I'm good.
- He ain't a 'rone. Too dumb.
This is fun. I miss this. I really do. Let's keep
going. Let's get burgers, meet some girls!
- Different ages, man. It's so early!
- We got something to show you.
Look, guys. We had a lot of fun, but we can get
in a lot of trouble for doing this.
Which is why you gotta run really fast
when it goes off.
- Like now! Go, I'm right behind you.
- Oh, my God!
What are we gonna do now?
NICK: Let's ride.
BOY: Oh, hell yeah!
- Wendy?
- Busted.
Well, you really did come prepared, Wendy.
A wrench, some glue...
Box of tampons.
- What were you gonna do with this?
- Uh...
- Yeah.
- Sorry.
- So you didn't want the dance to happen?
- None of the boys want to dance with me.
- Jess?
- Hey, CeCe.
- Hey!
JESS: This is Wendy...
...she was telling me how she doesn't like
to dance with boys.
[MOUTHS]
It was her.
Oh. Ahem.
Yeah.
Well, that makes sense
because boys are the dumbest.
- You're just saying that.
- No. No, no.
CeCe and I have met so many boys,
and they are all so dumb.
- Ha, ha. I have met more than her.
- Yeah, CeCe has met more because she's nicer.
- Nicer?
- I just mean... Because you're well-traveled.
- Well-traveled is how we say I tread lightly.
- I mean, travel a lot.
Mm-hm.
- I don't think I'm ever gonna dance with a boy.
- Listen, are boys dumb?
Yes. Yes.
Do they do disappointing,
stupid things that really...
...hurt your feelings? Yes.
Sometimes things don't work out...
...the way you plan them.
Actually, they never work out the way you plan.
But in the end, it's all worth it,
and that's why you have to try.
- Talking about sex or dancing?
CECE & JESS: Dancing.
- We're talking about upright dancing.
- Okay, I'll try.
- Let's get back out there.
- CeCe, it's okay. There's no light. No music.
- The dance is over.
- Oh, no. The dance is not over.
We just need to find some stupid boys.
You look so slow.
Like a super, dumb, slow turtle.
- I'm so fast, and you're so old.
- You're so much like a turtle, it's crazy.
- Are we gonna do this?
- Yeah, we're gonna do this.
I'm like a Hebrew cheetah,
on the count of three. One, two...
Flo Jo!
[WHIMPERING]
[GIRLS SQUEALING]
[BLOWS WHISTLE]
Hello!
Yeah! Yeah!
- What's your problem, man?
- I wasn't driving!
Are you kidding me?
[BLOWS WHISTLE]
- All students inside, now!
- Go, go, go!
You three are the worst chaperones
possible on Earth.
A dog would be better than you. A plant
wearing underwear would be better than you.
Ray Charles' ghost would be better than you!
What kind of men are you?
JESS:
Hey.
Stupid boys...
We need you!
Who's ready to have a good time? The lights
went out, and you made your own lights.
[CHEERING]
The music went out,
but we're gonna make our own music.
[CHEERING]
We have a very special guest for you tonight.
Please give a big...
...Coolidge Middle School welcome
to the dumbest boys in school.
[CHEERING]
- We're going with "Sweet Surrender."
- This won't be good.
[CHEERING]
Calm down, girls. Don't get crazy.
Just calm down.
Okay, Coolidge, get ready to hit
the dance floor. In three, two, one.
All right, all right.
Rap battle. 8 Mile. This one goes out
to your vice principal, Jessica Day.
[RAPPING]
I don't wear indigo, I don't wear teal
You better look out
'Cause Schmidt is for real
I take that back
I actually do wear teal, sometimes
- I say sometimes, you say teal. Sometimes!
ALL: Teal!
- Sometimes! Sometimes!
ALL: Teal! Teal!
Mic drop.
What's up? Anybody here from Chicago,
Illinois? City of big shots with big dreams.
That would make sense, you go to school here,
you're just kids, so you're all from here.
- Somebody else go. Yeah.
- That was it?
[CHEERING]
[RAPPING]
Gonna be a cop, straight walking the beat
Role model, out on the street
Unless I get signed to a desk
Which is also vital
Because when paperwork slides
That's how you get a mistrial
- When I say mis, you say trial. Mis.
ALL: Trial.
When I say mis, you say trial,
unless you're trying to die.
NICK: Are you nuts?
- Know who you are.
- The whole carton of doughnuts.
- Thank you!
WINSTON: I'm just saying...
- Thank you.
COACH: Winston!
NICK: Hey, they're kids!
- Good idea, Tom.
WINSTON: You also gotta die.
One, two. One, two!
I'm alive, I'm alive, I'm alive,
I'm alive, I'm alive, I'm alive,
This is what it sounds like
Whoa
I'm alive
This is what it sounds like
Whoa
I'm alive
I'm alive
Ripped By mstoll
with my school dance.
Ripped By mstoll
"Love is forever and ever and ever..."
How many "and evers"?
Technically infinity. But I could only fit 12.
Wow, this is gonna be tough for you.
Yes. Foster said we couldn't afford it
but I really stuck my neck out for this dance.
No, I mean because the theme
of the dance is Love is Forever and...
...Nick and the breakup...
What? No. Cece, look, you remember
what school dances were like for me.
They were miserable.
I was just waiting in the bathroom...
...for Tim Keymaker to magically appear
and ask me out.
I remember it. I was smoking in the stall
next to you.
We get it. You were bad.
I just don't want it to be like it was for me.
I want them to have an incredible time.
My life is a bit of a mess right now.
But the one thing I can do
is throw an amazing dance for them.
"Love is forever and ever and ever..."
What's this?
The theme of Jess' school dance.
- It's pretty ironic.
- Jess, you poor thing. Come here.
- Come here.
- What?
- There. All right.
- What are you doing?
Okay.
Oh, I know. I know.
What's happening?
I got hug number two locked and loaded.
Soft or hard, up to you.
- I know.
- Schmidt.
[SINGING]
Who's that girl?
CORUS: Who's that girl?
- It's Jess
- Oi, oi, oi, I needed a shvitz.
- Yeah, me too.
My arms are so sore.
I've been doing so many push-up's.
That seems like a lie.
No, I'm trying to stay fit after the break-up.
I've been eating salads...
...you know, no dressing.
- Mostly just protein.
- What kind of salads?
Little chopped up pieces of ham.
- Just the ham?
- Yeah.
I don't like the lettuce.
It's gross to eat stuff that's green.
- You know, baby steps...
- Not baby steps, there's big pieces of ham.
- Okay.
- You know, it's good.
I genuinely miss goofing around with Jess.
Break-up's aren't supposed to be easy.
That's really mature of you, man.
We're doing something, we're not allowed to
be in a room alone together without Winston.
He just naturally takes the sexual tension
out of the room.
What did you guys want?
See? I'm proud of you.
That's what I'm talking about.
We're men. We've felt pain.
We've survived it.
Look at me. I'm watching Cece
drool over some 20-year-old.
How could she be interested in a boy
when she could have these ripe berries?
- Look at these, Nick.
- Put your towel down.
Oh, God, I need a shvitz.
Why does my sweat smell like asparagus?
He does take all the sexual tension
out of a room.
I heat up every room I walk into.
Put me next to a dozen eggs,
they hatching.
You know why?
Because I got the heat of a mother hen.
There was no sexual tension in here
before he got here.
Keep telling yourself that, Nick.
Congrats, chaperones. With your help,
tonight is going to be unforgettable.
- I didn't sign up for this.
- No, you didn't.
None of you did. In fact, none of you have ever
signed up for any school event ever.
Which means you've never felt the joy
of exchanging your free time for a child's smile.
I never volunteered because of
my Munchausen syndrome.
- Are we getting paid?
- You will get paid.
Actually, in attractive hats that I made.
They say "Chaperone."
Ha, ha.
And Gary the Janitor's
says "Clean Up Crew."
You call me Gary the Janitor as if
me being ajanitor is my whole identity.
It's like someone calling you
"Jess the 3rd Hottest White Teacher."
- Okay.
- Are we done? I'm gonna say we're done.
TEACHER: Yeah, okay.
- Thanks, guys. Good meeting.
MAN: I don't know where I'm supposed to be.
JESS: Thanks, guys.
It's gonna be great.
You don't have to wear that, Coach.
As far as I'm concerned,
this dance starts now.
I know how important this dance is to you.
Those kids won't get away with anything.
If they wanna bang, they're gonna have to bang
through me. Wait.
If they wanna bang, they're gonna have to bang
through me! Wait.
Hey, Wendy.
Whoa, that shirt's scary.
- You going to the dance tonight?
- My mom's making me go.
Making you go
to the best night of your life?
Your mom sounds really cool.
Come on, at your age,
love is forever and ever and ever.
- What are you gonna wear?
- This shirt.
Oh. Oh!
That is the best idea I've heard
all week.
Whoo, scary shirt!
We all think that you're an idiot
for dating this 14-year-old.
- He's 20.
- That means he was 7...
...when Good Will Hunting came out,
7, Cece.
Good Will Hunting.
Let me go, let me go. Check this out.
Cece's boyfriend is so young that...
Come back to me.
Buster's more of a man than all of you.
He's been to like 40 countries, he builds boats,
he used to train snakes with his uncle...
Earning a respectable wage.
Wearing a proper-hanging pair of slacks.
Ordering sushi like a sick-ass boss.
These things a man maketh.
So stupid stuff you do?
Technically, you guys are men, but all you do
is hang out with each other.
- Like you're 12.
- What do you know? You're just a stupid girl.
- Yeah.
- Okay, I got it. Okay.
Cece's boyfriend is so young that...
How young is he?
Winston, it's not working, man. I'm serious.
- I'm at my wit's end with you.
- What?
Wait a minute.
Why is the door locked?
The dance starts in 5 minutes.
Gary, thank God you're here.
Can you unlock the door?
No. I didn't put that there.
What? Who else could've done it?
We can't start the dance
if the door is locked.
Don't tell me I wore my raw denim
for no reason. Don't you dare tell me that!
- I'm not telling you that.
- The dance is canceled?
No. There's gonna be a dance.
It'll be great, perfect, lovely...
...and it will celebrate love is forever
and ever and ever...
Where are you guys going?
In life, nowhere.
But I know I don't wanna be here.
Guys, please stay.
It would really mean a lot to me.
MAN:
Boring.
It's Jess. All of her chaperones just bailed.
She needs help.
A lady needs help? Is that ajob for a boy?
NICK: No.
- Or a man?
[CHANTING]
Men! Men! Men!
Men! Men! Men!
The dummy patrol is ready.
Men! Men!
Man.
- So stupid.
- Are you okay for real?
- You got any ice?
- Rub his shoulder.
I'll get him ice. I'll get ice.
- You all right?
- Man!
Okay, just sit back.
Nick, get the ice!
How do you know how to do that?
A tire iron is actually strong enough to break
a high-carbon steel steering wheel lock...
...so I figured it would work with this.
- Cece scares me sometimes.
- Just tip of the iceberg, my friend.
CECE:
Got it.
- Yes! Yes!
- There we go. Now we're cooking with gas.
JESS:
Everything's back on track, guys.
This bike lock was a real punk move.
Seems like there's a lot of punks here.
Did you do this? Hey.
COACH: Hey. Easy, easy.
- You do this?
If anyone's messing with this dance,
it's one of those teachers.
Those hats were begging for payback.
Hey, listen up, chaperones.
You will obey all of my instructions.
This means everything to Jess.
Your asses belong to me now.
Which means, I currently have four asses.
The three of yours and mine!
I think we're capable of handling
a bunch of pre-pubescent kids.
Do you think you are tough, Winston?
You have no idea what these little bastards
are capable of.
I mean, I love them.
I love them with all my heart.
But they will
hurt your feelings sometimes.
He's right. I remember
sticks and stones may break your bones...
...but not if you're a fat kid
with calcium deficiency.
Schmidt, you're on snack table duty.
Keep the chip bowls full.
Don't let kids spike the punch and make sure
Diabetic Amy only has four cookies.
Diabetic Amy ain't gonna get no cookies
on my watch.
She has to have at least two
or she'll pass out.
- She'll get nothing as far as I'm concerned.
- At least two or she'll pass out.
- All right, Winston?
- Yes, sir.
- Dance floor duty.
- You shouldn't have said that.
That is the perfect place.
I got so much heat coming off me.
No, no, no. No heat. No heat.
None. Hey, look at me. No heat.
The opposite of heat.
Six inches separation at all times.
Nobody's getting pregnant tonight.
That's the same thing I say on my dates.
It's not cool.
- Let's hit it.
- Hey, hey. Saving the best for last?
I'm sorry, Nick,
you're not chaperone material.
I've been at this job for a few weeks
and I know the stink of a bad kid.
That makes me the perfect candidate
to be a chaperone, Coach.
Just think about it,
I can get in the mind of a bad kid.
Think like him. Go deep.
I could go too deep.
I'll put you in the parking lot to sweep
for stragglers.
- You want me on the streets.
- It's not that important of ajob.
I won't let you down.
I'm not gonna let you down.
You taking a break right now?
[CARLY RAE JEPSEN'S "CALL ME
MAYBE" PLAYING ON SPEAKERS]
You gave me nothing at all
But still you're in my way
I beg, and borrow and steal
Have foresight and it's real
I didn't know I would feel it
You got to get the heat move...
You gotta move... No heat. No heat.
No heat, Bishop. No heat.
Keep that heat locked up.
Keep that heat.
[SINGING]
Think you're going, baby
[MUMBLING]
This is crazy
- Put that heat away, Bishop!
- All right. Yeah.
You got that.
What are you looking at?
Cool mustache.
Too much heat.
Too much heat.
All right, kids, let's use the serving tongs!
This isn't Appalachia.
Hurry up, everybody,
before Justin eats everything.
Son, I don't think you meant
to hurt Justin's feelings there.
What's going on, really?
The parents fighting at home?
- Leave me alone, flamer.
- Flamer?
- You're the flamer, pal.
- You're the flamer.
- You're the flamer.
- Flamer.
- Stop saying that word. It's offensive, flamer.
- Flamer.
- Take a doughnut, you flamer.
BOY: Flamer.
Schmidt, I got a bit of a situation here.
Um, thoughts? Advice?
What now? Son of a... Penis.
That wasn't better.
Sorry, everyone.
You were right. Someone's trying to mess with
my dance.
It's paste, and it's fresh.
[HUMMING NEARBY]
Banana in the dark.
Uh-oh.
You ruined my dance!
I can smell the paste. Perpetrator!
[WHISPERING]
He's in there.
When we get in there, I'm going
to be good cop, you be bad cop, okay.
Got it.
There are two ways this could go. Number one,
you tell us why you ruined the dance.
Number two: I bash your skull in
with a carburetor!
- I thought I was bad cop.
- You are bad cop.
I'm the tough, competent cop,
who's good at herjob...
...you're the bumbly, dumb cop who's nice...
- See, that's not how it works though.
- The good cop is nice, the bad cop is mean.
- That'd be nice cop, mean cop.
- That's how it works on every cop show.
- I watch cop shows.
- You need to pay more attention.
- What do you aawul women want?
We want to know why you locked the door
and poured glue in the breaker.
I didn't do any of that.
Why would anybody want to ruin
such a magical night?
You're the one who wanted to have this
dance. Revenge would be my guess.
- What do you know?
- You have the grip of a much taller woman.
And I don't not like that.
CECE:
Ugh.
- What's up? Hanging in the parking lot.
- We don't need a chaperone.
Calling me a 'rone?
I'm not a 'rone.
I'm basically the same guy as you.
We're wearing the same shirt. I'm a good guy.
I'm having fun. I'm just...
I'm bored in there. I'm looking to hang out.
Is that a crime, officers?
You guys got any billy whizz? Any juice,
any sweet Mary Jane? I'm looking.
If you're really not a chaperone,
why don't you take a sip of this.
- Maybe I will, maybe I won't. Nothing to prove.
- You a 'rone or not?
Give me that.
[BOTH CHUCKLING]
What is that? Is that a suicide?
- Soda flavors all mixed together?
- You know it.
That was super-intense.
Sorry I spit some of it up.
He's cool.
[NICK CHUCKLES]
BOY:
Hi, guys. Hey!
Hey, buddy. Tommy? I just wanted to apologize
for what happened before.
What, are you gonna propose to me now?
[SCHMIDT LAUGHS]
That's funny. You know, when I was young,
I, too, found that humor can be a useful tool.
Dude, get up. I'm not gonna marry you.
I found that humor could be a useful tool,
and then you grow up and become a man.
- You smell like a woman.
- That's it! Enough is enough.
You think you're a tough guy, tough guy.
Prove it, man.
- Name the time and place.
- Fifteen minutes. Parking lot.
- Fist fight?
- Foot race.
- What?
- Yeah, you heard me. Foot race, man.
I'll run circles around you and all your pals.
[GIRLS GIGGLING]
Oh, you guys are multiplying like bunnies.
There's a lot more of you than there is of me.
[WINSTON GIGGLES]
We should lock the doors.
No one gets in, no one gets out.
The culprit's inside. It's Gosford Park!
- You need to calm down, Jess.
- I can't calm down. I want this to be perfect.
I know, but there are kids doing their
homework in there. It's bleak.
I know after what happened with Nick,
you wanted this to go great, but...
It's not your fault that the dance got messed
up, all right? You'll get them next time.
BOTH [CHANTING]:
Chug, chug, chug!
Oh, that's a sugar rush, man!
That's a buzz in the brain.
You guys see how high I just got?
- I'm good.
- He ain't a 'rone. Too dumb.
This is fun. I miss this. I really do. Let's keep
going. Let's get burgers, meet some girls!
- Different ages, man. It's so early!
- We got something to show you.
Look, guys. We had a lot of fun, but we can get
in a lot of trouble for doing this.
Which is why you gotta run really fast
when it goes off.
- Like now! Go, I'm right behind you.
- Oh, my God!
What are we gonna do now?
NICK: Let's ride.
BOY: Oh, hell yeah!
- Wendy?
- Busted.
Well, you really did come prepared, Wendy.
A wrench, some glue...
Box of tampons.
- What were you gonna do with this?
- Uh...
- Yeah.
- Sorry.
- So you didn't want the dance to happen?
- None of the boys want to dance with me.
- Jess?
- Hey, CeCe.
- Hey!
JESS: This is Wendy...
...she was telling me how she doesn't like
to dance with boys.
[MOUTHS]
It was her.
Oh. Ahem.
Yeah.
Well, that makes sense
because boys are the dumbest.
- You're just saying that.
- No. No, no.
CeCe and I have met so many boys,
and they are all so dumb.
- Ha, ha. I have met more than her.
- Yeah, CeCe has met more because she's nicer.
- Nicer?
- I just mean... Because you're well-traveled.
- Well-traveled is how we say I tread lightly.
- I mean, travel a lot.
Mm-hm.
- I don't think I'm ever gonna dance with a boy.
- Listen, are boys dumb?
Yes. Yes.
Do they do disappointing,
stupid things that really...
...hurt your feelings? Yes.
Sometimes things don't work out...
...the way you plan them.
Actually, they never work out the way you plan.
But in the end, it's all worth it,
and that's why you have to try.
- Talking about sex or dancing?
CECE & JESS: Dancing.
- We're talking about upright dancing.
- Okay, I'll try.
- Let's get back out there.
- CeCe, it's okay. There's no light. No music.
- The dance is over.
- Oh, no. The dance is not over.
We just need to find some stupid boys.
You look so slow.
Like a super, dumb, slow turtle.
- I'm so fast, and you're so old.
- You're so much like a turtle, it's crazy.
- Are we gonna do this?
- Yeah, we're gonna do this.
I'm like a Hebrew cheetah,
on the count of three. One, two...
Flo Jo!
[WHIMPERING]
[GIRLS SQUEALING]
[BLOWS WHISTLE]
Hello!
Yeah! Yeah!
- What's your problem, man?
- I wasn't driving!
Are you kidding me?
[BLOWS WHISTLE]
- All students inside, now!
- Go, go, go!
You three are the worst chaperones
possible on Earth.
A dog would be better than you. A plant
wearing underwear would be better than you.
Ray Charles' ghost would be better than you!
What kind of men are you?
JESS:
Hey.
Stupid boys...
We need you!
Who's ready to have a good time? The lights
went out, and you made your own lights.
[CHEERING]
The music went out,
but we're gonna make our own music.
[CHEERING]
We have a very special guest for you tonight.
Please give a big...
...Coolidge Middle School welcome
to the dumbest boys in school.
[CHEERING]
- We're going with "Sweet Surrender."
- This won't be good.
[CHEERING]
Calm down, girls. Don't get crazy.
Just calm down.
Okay, Coolidge, get ready to hit
the dance floor. In three, two, one.
All right, all right.
Rap battle. 8 Mile. This one goes out
to your vice principal, Jessica Day.
[RAPPING]
I don't wear indigo, I don't wear teal
You better look out
'Cause Schmidt is for real
I take that back
I actually do wear teal, sometimes
- I say sometimes, you say teal. Sometimes!
ALL: Teal!
- Sometimes! Sometimes!
ALL: Teal! Teal!
Mic drop.
What's up? Anybody here from Chicago,
Illinois? City of big shots with big dreams.
That would make sense, you go to school here,
you're just kids, so you're all from here.
- Somebody else go. Yeah.
- That was it?
[CHEERING]
[RAPPING]
Gonna be a cop, straight walking the beat
Role model, out on the street
Unless I get signed to a desk
Which is also vital
Because when paperwork slides
That's how you get a mistrial
- When I say mis, you say trial. Mis.
ALL: Trial.
When I say mis, you say trial,
unless you're trying to die.
NICK: Are you nuts?
- Know who you are.
- The whole carton of doughnuts.
- Thank you!
WINSTON: I'm just saying...
- Thank you.
COACH: Winston!
NICK: Hey, they're kids!
- Good idea, Tom.
WINSTON: You also gotta die.
One, two. One, two!
I'm alive, I'm alive, I'm alive,
I'm alive, I'm alive, I'm alive,
This is what it sounds like
Whoa
I'm alive
This is what it sounds like
Whoa
I'm alive
I'm alive
Ripped By mstoll