New Girl (2011–2018): Season 3, Episode 18 - Sister III - full transcript

Thank you so much for having us over
for brunch, guys.

It's the least we could do
to celebrate the one-week anniversary...

of your sister moving in with me
and becoming my live-in lover.

It's a little fast.

- Babe, you have syrup on your face.
- Oh, you can get it.

- Babe, you have some sugar...
- Back off, I'm starving.

- Come on, let me get it off. It's so much.
- Get your own, Jess.

I got these slices that are for me to eat.

If you want your slices,
get your own slices.

Um, that's your fourth plate, Winston.

Bulking up for the L.A.P.D. Fitness exam.
I'm going to ace this obstacle course.



Schmidt, you got
something crazy around your neck.

Abby made this. Look. Look at that.

- Not a fan.
- I forgot how much I love making jewelry.

Schmidt's been lending me
money for supplies.

- Schmidt, are you bleeding?
- Oh, look at that. I most certainly am.

What makes Abby's jewelry so interesting
is it's actually dangerous and can cut you.

Abby's gonna open up her own store.
Mark my words.

- She shouldn't do that.
- I'm gonna open up a store in your mouth.

Now that you're here, I can have my
old room back. Jess, need you gone by 5.

Done. I need a break
from Snora Ephron over here.

- Okay.
- Schmidt and I don't need any space.

We have no boundaries. But not everybody
can have what Schmidt and I have.

You guys'll get there. Remember
how long it took you to get boobs?

Yeah, but I started shaving my legs at 9,
so joke's on you.



Wait. We have so much sex.

Don't try to eat the other slice,
I'm gonna get to it.

[SINGING] Who's that girl?

CHORUS: Who's that girl?
- It's Jess

Can you believe Abby and Schmidt?

Yeah, tell me about it.
Making love at their own brunch? No class.

They're a fake couple. We're a real couple.
If anyone should move in together, it's us.

- We already live in the same apartment.
- So why not take the extra step?

We basically sleep in each other's rooms
every night, what's the difference?

It's a really big difference.

Right now, we're roommates, but we're not
living together. Not "living together."

- Right. No.
- You know?

Living together is a step. It's official.
An official step in a relationship.

- "Official" is the key.
- Abby and Schmidt did it after one week.

Come on. We have so much left
to learn about each other.

Stuff you only learn if you're crammed
together in a small space and can't get out.

Just you and me. Four walls.
No boundaries. No escape.

When you put it like that,
it sounds amazing. And like prison.

If we get tired of each other...

I can always run across the hall to my
room. It's so close, just pop over there.

- Do you not want to?
- Whoa.

[WHISTLES]

I did not... That did not...

So you're saying you do want to?

Oh, my God, Nick!
We're moving in together!

- Officially? We just agreed on it? Yes!
- Yes!

I cannot think of a reason not to.

Reason 13:
I like my stuff and I hate her stuff.

Reason number 14:
How am I ever gonna change my clothes?

You don't change in front of her?
You get naked.

Those are different things. When you're
naked, you're powerful and it's glorious.

When you're changing,
you're hunched, cowering, like an animal.

- Animals don't wear clothes.
- I'm saying I need my space.

True intimacy. Embrace that.

Abby and I? We have one sponge.

And we use it for everything.

- I don't like that, but you seem happy.
- Don't hold back, Nick.

Expose your cracks
and love will fill them.

- That's nice.
- Thank you.

You know how hard it's been...

to take this seriously
while you wear that?

It's an Iroquois throat band.

- Ugliest thing I've ever seen.
- You're jealous.

- I'm not.
- It's not just a choker, it's a story.

What's the story?
She didn't have enough supplies?

- I'm not through the whole...
- Gotta tell you.

Looking at that thing,
the sex must be awesome.

COACH: Cece and I have been
hanging out a lot more lately.

- Treats me like I'm her girlfriend.
- You don't like it?

I love it. Usually, when I'm friends with a
girl, I'm either trying to get that butt...

or she's trying to get this butt.
But with Cece, it's not about the butt.

It's not about the butt, man,
it's cool, it's like...

We're like sisters.

- What?
- Coach. Hey, do you have Schmidt's keys?

- Kind of got a weird favor to ask.
- It's only weird if you don't ask, girl.

- What?
- That's what I'm talking about.

You know I'm doing this for you, right?

- It's somewhere.
- This is great.

- What are we doing?
- We are snooping on Abby.

Oh, love it.

I don't trust that girl.
Always working an angle.

She's got Schmidt wrapped up,
giving her money for "jewelry."

- Treachery!
- Aah!

First they came for my silverware,
I said nothing.

- What's up, dog?
- What are you doing?

Schmidt, I know Abby is fun and charming,
but I'm telling you she's bad news.

Is that why you're sorting
through my garbage?

I appreciate the concern, you guys,
but Abby has changed.

Then how do you explain this?

I put my coffee grounds in a plastic bag
so it doesn't get the trash dirty.

- Really?
- He does that.

You got clean-ass trash, man,
I don't even need gloves for this.

Quit sorting through my trash, Coach,
you're messing it all up.

Schmidt, you've known this girl a couple
weeks, I've known her for 20 years.

And I am telling you,
she's not to be trusted.

Your words are changing
his opinions about things. Up top.

You two as friends is a real bummer.
I'm not into it.

JESS:
Our first night living together.

I'm just excited.

Expose your cracks
and love will fill them.

I'm changing.

Great. I'm reading.

Okay.

- Yeah, I'm just gonna take my pants off.
- Okay.

[GRUNTS]

You know I've seen you naked before.

- What's going on there?
- Never changed in front of a woman.

- You know? Mostly you just hook up and...
- Really?

Are you serious?

All right, I'm gonna read.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Okay. Here we go.

Just gonna put this on, yeah.

- What is that?
- This is my long shirt.

[LAUGHS]

Yeah. Oh, ha, that's why you're laughing,
I had it on the wrong way.

[CHUCKLES]

That must have been funny-looking,
the way it was.

I've never broken it out before you because,
you know, we didn't live together...

but it keeps the top really warm
and lets my bottom breathe.

- And so, yeah.
- Why does your bottom need to breathe?

Well, it's like a plant.
It needs sun and air to survive.

Never mind. Um, I like it. Um...
Yeah.

- Great.
- I like it.

[GRUNTS]

Okay.

- This is great.
- Just great.

- I'm excited.
- Me too.

- What are you doing?
- Trying to get comfortable.

JESS:
Oh, okay.

Got it.

Got it.

I can't... I'm gonna go to sleep.

- I'll turn off the light.
- Great.

Ow!

What? Oh, sorry. Sorry.

- What the hell is that nightmare?
- I just... I have to... Sorry.

- Just writing.
- I'm gonna sleep with my head over there.

- Okay.
- Thanks.

Yeah, that's gonna be better for me.

You know, I'm gonna get some water.

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO]

- My room looks different.
- Turned it into a workout space.

I am so glad it opened up.

Why didn't we do this sooner?

Crab walk.

[MUTTERING]

Hey. Just enjoying the peace and quiet.

Whoa, hold up. Hey, Jess.
What are you doing?

Oh, I just... You know, sometimes
I work in the elevator now.

You know,
helping some of the older residents.

This is your floor, ma'am!

So how are things with you
and Schmidt living together?

I've never felt so clean
while being so dirty.

- Awesome.
- Last night...

Schmidt wanted to take me to a hotel,
but we couldn't even get out of the loft...

without ripping each other's
clothes off. - That's our thing too.

We have the hotel until tomorrow.
It's all paid up...

you might as well use it,
take it off our hands.

Lobby, please.

[MOUTHS] Enjoy.

Wait. I forgot Bernie.

Hold the elevator.

Bernie, Bernie, where are you, you idiot?

I'll just be here waiting.

WINSTON: So, Nick, the police academy
training is going well...

but I'm a little
worried about the rings.

Because of the... You know, the incident.

[ALL LAUGHING]

- Shut up, you guys. I can do this.
- Miller, no. Miller, no.

[CHUCKLES]

I got big laughs.
Give the people what they want.

Everybody saw my ding-a-ling, Nick.
My ding-a-ling.

I've got an issue
that's more important.

Ever since Jess moved in,
I haven't had a second to myself.

You see what she's done to my writer's
desk? It's an arts and crafts area now.

- Hey, guys. I'm staying at a hotel tonight.
- Hey.

Not alone. With other people.

I have to chaperone
a field trip to Sacramento.

- Seem too busy to talk. Go.
- Gonna miss you.

I'm gonna miss you.

Wait, weren't you just saying how you...?
Whoa, dude!

- Ha! Good one, Nick. Bye.
- Bye.

That... I'm sorry.

SCHMIDT: I can't believe I let you guys
talk me into tailing my own girlfriend.

CECE: Look at this neighborhood,
she's up to no good.

I feel very uncomfortable being here.

I trust Abby,
I don't wanna spy on her anymore.

- We're not spying, we're carefully watching.
- Girlfriend's going down.

- Yes, she is.
- Let us bust her, buster.

- Ha-ha-ha. That's a good one. Yeah.
- That was.

[CECE & COACH LAUGHING
THEN SIGHING]

This dynamic, it's very annoying to me.
I'm sure I'm not alone on this.

- Hi, hater.
- Bye, hater.

- Enough. I'm out of here.
- Hey, it's my car.

I don't care whose car, I'm going.

- No. It's my car...
- I don't care who...

Great. Hit a parked car in the neighborhood
they shot fricking Children of Men.

Yeah!

I'm alone!

[LAUGHS]

Yeah!

I made my reservation
I'm leaving town tomorrow

Aah!

I'll find somebody new...

I'm alone and I love it!

Coffee for one, sundae for one...

and, uh, your most tasteful,
story-driven adult film.

Preferably a period piece.

The farther in the past, the better.
You know what I'm talking about, girl.

[SOBBING]

Do you have anything
in the Byzantine era?

No.

Just a shot in the dark.

[SINGING]
Clang, clang, clang went the trolley

It's so little. It's so little.

[SINGING] Bump, bump, bump
Went my heartstrings

[BANGING ON WALL]

MAN: We're trying to sleep!
- Okay!

COACH: Which ding is ours?
SCHMIDT: "Which ding is ours?"

There are knife holes in the door.
What does it matter?

At least write "sorry"
and put it under the wiper.

There are none.

Maybe put it under the dead bird's leg.

- Hobo! Hobo for real.
- There's a dude!

Hobo!

Hobo!

Thank you, Jingles.

Hey. What are you guys doing here?
Tailing me?

- No.
- Yes, we're tailing you.

I know how you work.

You glom onto guys and bleed them dry.
Well, you are not gonna do it to Schmidt.

What's in the box?

Tell us what's in the box!

- Zippers.
- What?

Zippers, you guys.

Guy up there will give you a great deal.
Also loves crack.

Can we go now?

Thank you. Abby, let's go.

- My car is gone.
- Well, that's not surprising.

Pal, you can do this.
You can do this, Winnie.

What are you doing here?
On a school day?

I see this means you're the cutting type,
which means you're the pants-ING type.

Well, I got news for you, buddy.
You ain't getting them. Not today.

How about I take your pants, huh?
Not like that, everybody.

I'm not trying to take the kid's pants.

He's trying to take my pants.
You see how he's eyeing my pants?

And so I eyed his pants. You know what?

You win. You win, you little
son of a bitch. You win.

I don't wanna tell you
how to police your beach...

but right now there are truants
outside of this hotel stirring up trouble.

Looking good, Shirley. Debbie,
see you at 1:00 on the massage table.

Winston.

JESS:
Hmm.

We're gonna sneak into Schmidt's
and see what's really inside those boxes.

- Cece, darling, how long we been friends?
- What?

- A week or so?
- Have I ever steered you wrong?

- No.
- Exactly.

I know you better than anyone.
You're acting like a lunatic.

The kind other lunatics look at and go:
"Oh, my God, that bitch a lunatic."

I need you to figure out why
you're really doing all this for Schmidt...

and then sort it out.

- You did not just say that to me.
- Think about it, girl, shoot.

To be clear,
I didn't ask you to act like this.

I mean, it's just kind of fun.

- Slow down, girl.
- You gonna eat that scone?

- Damn it. Are you gonna have the scone?
- Slow down.

Hey, man.

Just looking at my Garbage Pail Kids.
Jess makes me put them in a box.

How are you gonna put
art like this in a box?

- What's going on with you?
- Nothing.

You will not tell Nick you saw me here...

because he'll get upset
and I'll have to move into my old room.

And that means we suck as a couple and Abby
was right, and I cannot let that happen.

Jess went to a hotel because sharing a
room with you is driving her crazy.

[BABBLING]

Dude, that really was a tough one to
keep in, but I held my own, I did my best.

Are you kidding me? I can't believe it.
I changed in front of her.

- Sharing a room was driving you crazy too.
- But I didn't lie about it.

I never get to win these things.

So anyway, I just want to apologize.
It was wrong of me to get involved.

Are you sure you don't wanna tap
Abby's phone? Run a DNA sample?

I don't wanna be coarse,
but the bedroom is covered in it.

I was worried about you.

Okay? I didn't want her to take advantage
of you. Because I know that you will do...

anything for the people
that you care about.

Well, I guess I could say
the same thing about you.

And, you know what,
maybe Abby has changed.

I'm thinking about helping Abby lease
a storefront for her jewelry.

- Is that crazy?
- It's...

It's amazing. Don't hold back.

Here, I want you to have this.

Abby made it.

It's a cough drop
and these are hard candies.

I see that.

- I truly hate it.
- You're welcome.

- Oh, hey.
- How was Sacramento?

- Great. Kids cried when they saw the capital.
- Oh, did they?

- How many students?
- Thirty.

- What hotel?
- Old Sacramento Inn.

- What room you stay in?
- 523.

- What floor is that?
- Five.

- An elevator to the 4th?
- Fifth floor.

- Non-Smoking?
- Smoking.

- You don't smoke.
- In Sacramento I do.

- Breakfast?
- Continental.

How are you this good at lying?
I know you're making this up.

You didn't go to Sacramento.
You went to a hotel to be by yourself.

- Damn it, Winston.
WINSTON: Nick loves being alone too.

- Damn it, Winston.
WINSTON: That's for my ding-a-ling.

- You didn't like living together either?
- No, but it was your idea...

and it seemed like the thing to do.
But at least I didn't lie about, Jess.

Okay, I did, but you were driving me crazy.
You wear a nightgown.

- You talking about my long shirt?
- You look like The Little Match Girl...

wandering around Victorian England
selling matches for a penny.

I look like George Washington.

I was just trying to be a good couple.
Schmidt and Abby are doing it.

Schmidt and Abby are crazy.
They're doing a lot of things.

Why can't we do this?

I don't know.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Uh-oh. Last time I saw you day-drinking,
you got kicked out of jazz ensemble.

I'm still pissed off about that.

- What does that mean, "too enthusiastic"?
- How come you're not at the hotel?

Did you and Nick break the bed?
Legally, they cannot make you pay.

- No, I was by myself.
- Oh, I've broken the bed by myself.

- Big-time.
- No, I went to the hotel...

to get away from Nick.

I wore a robe, I watched
a documentary about Ethel Kennedy...

and it was one of
the best nights of my life.

So you win.
Your relationship's better than mine...

I can't even share a room with Nick.

I don't win. Come on.

I swing from guy to guy.

I don't think
I have ever paid my own rent.

You travel the world, collecting lovers.

All of my lovers could fit in one SUV.

And, yes, maybe somebody would have to
sit on someone's lap, but they would fit.

And you're just brave.

You and Nick are brave.

You know each other,
get under each others' skin.

- He has the feet of a hippie cult leader.
- That's the difference.

I just throw myself into
whatever comes along because...

I really don't wanna be alone.
- Why not?

Being alone's great. You should try it.
It might help you figure yourself out.

[SIGHS]

You're Abby freaking Day.
You can do whatever you want.

- Except vote.
- Ha-ha-ha.

But seriously,
you should have seen Nick's feet.

The bottoms are all black,
except for one patch of yellow.

[LAUGHS]

- Hey. What are you doing?
- Hey.

Just packing up your things, and then...

I thought about what you'd want and how
you probably didn't want to move again...

so I decided to do the right thing
and take your room.

- My room's bigger. Nice try.
- Is it? I never...

All right.
I gotta move some stuff back, then.

Hey. I'm sorry that this didn't work out.

- Sorry that we sucked.
- Look, we don't suck.

I'm crazy about you, but I don't
have to spend every second with you...

in what amounts to
a one-room log cabin.

Cabins drove the Pilgrims crazy.
That's why they killed each other...

at the Plymouth Rock Massacre.
- Not real.

- So how did the millions of Pilgrims die?
- There weren't millions of Pilgrims.

Then how do you explain
my 37-page essay about it?

- You made it up in your head...
- This is an agree to disagree moment.

No. It's not.

- I'm also older than you.
- Anyway, I love you...

and someday we'll make this work. - I
think so too. Just not now. Not like this.

If you're not doing anything,
want to come over?

I am over.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Hey, guys.
Just a little hot goss from apartment 4C.

- Abby's gone.
- What?

She's gonna stay with your mom
for a little bit.

Something about
"saving up to be independent"?

Wow.

Good for her.

- I'm sorry.
- It's okay.

In hindsight,
maybe we moved a little bit too fast.

Just wish that I realized that
before I rented her a storefront.

You rented her a storefront?

Three-year lease
in an undesirable neighborhood.

Totally obliterated my bank account.

I decided to sublet my place
and I'll be moving back here under duress.

- You're moving back?
- Shouldn't be a problem.

Coach is in my room,
and you guys are moving in together.

I'll just move into Jess' room. Cool?
Asking was just kind of a formality.

Because my name's on the lease, so...
You guys are the best.

Oh.

[NICK SIGHS]

- Yay.
- Yay.

- Cool.
- Great.

- Let's do this.
- We can make it work.

You have to start
washing your feet.