New Girl (2011–2018): Season 3, Episode 17 - Sister II - full transcript

- Man, this is gonna be fun!
- Ah, come on!

Get it close to the light.

Okay, just because you
invented Sky Knife

doesn't mean you can
tell me how to throw.

Hurry up, man.
You can do this.

One, two, three.

Sky Knife!

Yeah!

What's up?

- Oh, hey. What's up? Nothing, just a...
- Hey, uh, straight-up chillin'.

You guys, it's a really long
story, but I think I saw an eagle.



I was shopping for
books on Western...

Oh, my God!

- Oh!
- Oh!

- Oh, God, what the hell?
- You were in the drop zone.

- Good save, Nick.
- You were a hero!

- Good save. - We were
playing Sky Knife. You mad?

No. No. I... I think it's
been a great game this week.

I'm amazed at how
great it is.

Uh! Awesome! I thought you
were gonna be mad. All right.

I'm gonna go get the bad-ass
knives from Schmidt's house.

- Cool.
- Get 'em, girl.

Um, guys, we
have a problem.

I know, but Abby's gonna fix it. She's
going to get the cooler knives.

The problem is Abby.



She's been here one week and has
already created chaos everywhere.

I don't know if
anybody noticed,

but she destroyed my
sunflower painting

- with a picture of a penis.
- The iguana's cool.

- I like the iguana.
- Who doesn't love an iguana?

- I like its tail.
- Yeah.

Oh, my God, you
guys, it's Terry.

The bastard found me.
He wants his stuff.

Who's Terry?! What's his stuff?!
Cocaine drugs?!

Worse. You guys
got to hide.

Oh, my God, I knew
this was gonna happen.

- Everybody in your earthquake
spots now! - Jess!

She's messing with you.

Yeah, I know.

We are messing with you.

- No. - I don't think
you were involved.

- Don't taunt you, dude.
- You guys were all afraid of Terry.

Us Day sisters up
to our old pranks.

- You're not part of it.
- Yes, I am!

- You got messed with.
- You got messed with, not me.

You're doing that voice
when you get messed with.

- No, I'm not.
- You guys, this is so fun.

- I want to live here.
- Ah, ha, ha!

That was funny, 'cause we're
messing with you again.

No. I'm serious.
That one was real.

I think I should live here.

I hate this game.

♪ Hey, girl ♪

♪ What you doing? ♪

♪ Hey, girl ♪

♪ Where you going? ♪

♪ Who's that girl? ♪
♪ Who's that girl? ♪

♪ Who's that girl? ♪

♪ Who's that girl? ♪

♪ It's Jess. ♪

You looking up how
to eat a bagel?

No. I'm, uh, seeing if I passed
the LAPD entrance exam.

Results go up
in 30 seconds.

If you pass, you
get to be a cop?

No, I get to go to the
police academy, you know?

Hope I get a dog partner.

- Yeah.
- Oh, you are pretty calm

for someone who's about
to get life-changing news.

You must be really
cool under pressure.

No! I'm a huge choker.

Huge!

Girl, I ain't had a job
in over three months.

So, this is... that
moment, I guess,

when you find out if you're
really a failure or not.

Check it. Excitement's
killing me!

Man, would you look
at the... time?

Man. Girl, I got an obligation
at a sandwich meeting...

to... to go to.

Yes...

Well, you see, loyalty has
a price, Mr. President.

Give me the hot dogs!

Put the damn hot dogs in the bag,
you son of a bitch, and I won't...

Oh, my God. What are we gonna
do? She can't move in to...

Take that off.

- I hope those are clean.
- Enough.

I don't want to be involved with
your weird thing with your sister.

It's not a weird thing
with my sister.

She is crazy.

- No.
- She's wanted in Canada.

Canada. No one's
wanted in Canada.

Hey, uh, you guys want to
hang out, like, right now?

Maybe go up to Alhambra, try
on a whole mess of jeans?

Don't you find out about
that cop test today?

Oh, you know...
Oh, yeah. No.

Look, man, the Alhambra
thing, though...

it's getting a lot of
momentum, you know?

So I think I'm gonna
go ahead and do that

'cause when you... you know,
when you do that, so...

Okay, I'm gonna guarantee you
that Abby is responsible for that.

Yeah, she got to me.

If you don't want Abby to live here,
Jessica, why don't you just tell her?

Nick, you can't just tell Abby to do
something, 'cause she'll do the opposite.

So I'm gonna have to go find
a place for her to live

and make her think
it's her idea.

She can't find out
what I'm up to.

Do you think you can keep her
busy and lie to her all day?

Jess, I come from a family
of con artists and liars.

And the one thing I learned
is, you can't lie to a liar.

It don't fly.

- Yeah, you shouldn't be involved.
- No, I shouldn't.

Wait a second.

- Are you doing reverse psychology?
- Yeah, it is reverse psychology.

That is reverse psychology,
so you just reversed it,

so now it's reverse, reverse,
which is just psychology.

Hmm, which one is it?

You outfoxed me. I'm in.

I'm gonna do it.

So, our time is up, but, um, I
don't have any more clients,

- so, uh...
- Oh.

You brought it with
that less set, ma.

I got to tell you. I mean,
what can't that butt do?

- You shaped it, so
you get dibs. - Mmm.

Dibs.

Can I get dibs? Because
both y'all butts look great.

I mean, I can't tell
who's in first place.

Hey, uh, Coach, you know how you're
always getting on me about my pizza baby?

- Yeah. - Well, today is the
day that I get rid of it.

- I am here to train.
- Save it, dude.

You're avoiding your test
results. Nick texted me.

Guess you can't outrun a text.

- Nope. - Well, with the
right amount of training...

All right, listen to me.
Um, I need you to leave.

I'm with a client.
A beautiful one.

I'm trying to, you know...

Mm.

You're trying to whistle.

No, no, no, no, no, I'm
trying to have sex with her.

Oh! Sex.

But I did book you for the
entire afternoon, though.

- Why would you do that?
- But...

if you guys are doing a little
thing, then I could easily just...

- Leave and check your test scores?
- ...do a tandem session.

- Oh, fun.
- Right?

Coach, you should show him that
ground stretch you did on me earlier.

It was opening me
up really nicely.

Yes, please.

I don't wanna.

Oh.

- This is amazing.
- Oh!

I'm taking a little
trip here, Coach.

- You know where I'm going.
- Why do I keep looking down?

I don't know.

This museum is my favorite
place in Los Angeles.

Um... come on, Nick.

Jess is making you
babysit me, right?

Babysit you?

What?

Like you're a little baby?

No.

- That's how you want to play this?
- Well, I'm not "playing" it.

- Oh. - Hey, hey, hey.
What are you doing?

- I just want to touch it.
- Don't touch it.

- I just need to touch it.
- But it's not for touching. Hey, hey!

What? Can I not
jump on it?

- Abby.
- That's not allowed?

- Abby! - Maybe I shouldn't
climb all over the car.

You need to get
off of that car.

Why don't you tell me
what it is Jess is up to?

Ma'am, ma'am, ma'am, ma'am,
you're scratching the hood!

Tell me what I
want to know.

- Get off there right now.
- There's nothing to tell!

- Tell me what I want to know.
- There's nothing to tell!

- Tell me what she's doing!
- Get her off!

- If I tell you, will you
get off the car? - Yes.

- You promise?
- Yes.

She's looking for a
safe apartment for you

'cause she doesn't want
you to live with us!

Now, would you please
get off the car?

Do you guys serve
drinks here?

Why don't they
give us Tasers?

Wow. I mean, this
place is beautiful.

It makes the other nine places we've
seen today just kind of fade away.

Yeah, um, tell me about
the neighborhood.

Is there a lot
of nightlife?

Well, this part of
town is pretty quiet.

Unless you count church bells.
Which you should.

We have nine within
hearing distance.

What about the other tenants? Are
there single men between 18 and 65?

Actually, make
that 16 and 72.

Most of the other tenants are
middle-aged gay veterans like myself.

Oh. Whoa.

Jackpot.

And if the demons come calling, there's an
emergency room right across the street.

You had me at
"gay veterans."

And then again at
"emergency room."

And before that
at "church."

I wish I could just travel back
in time and tell 19-year-old me

to move into a
place like this.

Maybe I would've settled down.
Met a, you know, nice guy.

Nothing flashy. Works in a bank,
makes a great veggie lasagna.

- Okay, not now, Cece.
- No, don't stop her.

Who is this guy?

Right?

Bet you are a mean dancer.

- Come on. Live a little.
- You were right to call me.

Nobody deals with crazy
girls better than I do.

Crazy girls are kind
of my Hurt Locker.

- You know what I mean, Nick?
- Okay. Yeah.

Some-some men, they can
just walk away. Not me.

- I just keep coming back.
- Okay, are you gonna help me

- get her off the car?
- Mmm.

- You know what this is, Nick?
- What?

- This is nonsense.
- Exactly.

And how do we deal
with nonsense?

No, no. We just don't stand
for it is what we do.

Security is on the way.

Come on, you old bird.
Get up here.

I can't afford it.

I'm already the
staff troublemaker.

- Can you make it happen?
- I'm thinking.

Where are you at right... Like,
is it kind of game... Yeah.

Just shh.

- I got it.
- You do?

Yeah.

No nonsense.

Hey, Abby, look at me.

Let's go get a taco.

Okay.

- You got to be kidding.
- There you go. Thank you.

There you go. Perfect.

Hey, you're not gonna tell Jess I
told you about the apartment, right?

Hmm, I don't know.
Maybe. We'll see.

It'd be cool if you... 'Cause...

- Why don't you straighten things
up with the museum? - Thank you.

I appreciate that.
It's only ten dollars!

That's not gonna...
It's ten dollars!

You snakes.

Follow through.

Yeah, all right.

Or else that creepy
guy at the bar

isn't gonna take his
hand off your thigh.

Hands off my thigh, dude!

Hands off my thigh, dude.

What are you doing, dude?
Stop stalling. Check your score.

I'm not stalling.

I'm gonna have
Anders work my core

and maybe just go get
some juice with him.

- No, um. No, I-I want juice. I'm...
- Hey, I bought your time.

I do whatever I
want with it.

Go check your score!

Hey, what are you doing?

- No. Wait, what are you doing, dude?!
- I'm checking it myself!

No! Come on, man!

I said no, dude.

No. W...

What?

You failed.

I didn't even...

You know, it's
not even a...

Yeah, it's not a
big deal, so...

You know, so...

You should probably put a
passcode on your phone, dude.

Hey, Schmidt!

Hey, Schmidt. Have
you seen Abby?

Huh?

What... are you...
what are you doing?

I'm melting chocolate.

Abby and I are having sex.

What happened to no
nonsense, Schmidt?

I've really changed my
tune on nonsense, Nick.

You know, for
the life of me,

I could not understand the
grasp that Jess had on you,

but if she came from the same
gene pool as this one...

kudos, my friend.

Even if it's a tenth of
what I just experienced.

Even if it'sa DeVito/Schwarzenegger
split from Twins.

You calling Jess
the DeVito?

- What? - Abby, I was
supposed to be watching you.

- Go ahead. - Don't... don't
play tricks with my words.

Jess is gonna kill me. She's gonna say
my name in that short, clipped way

- where she doesn't add the "K."
- What?

When she's mad, she
just says "Nic."

Do you really think that the "K"
adds to the sound of your name?

- Yes. - How do you
usually say your name?

- Nick.
- Say it without the "K."

- Nic.
- It's the same thing.

Stop distracting me!

Nick, you're so worried about
disappointing Jess. Relax, man.

Okay, you got to
get out of here.

Oh...

I choked.

I choked, man. I'm 31. I
have nothing figured out.

Can I not find a job?

- I mean, I feel like I'm losing it.
- Dude, they're hiring here.

You know I can't work here, man.
They never have any cookies.

It's all the better, man!
There's no pressure.

You get this job and then when you're
ready, you try the cop thing again.

Okay.

- See?
- Yeah.

But now I'm sitting here thinking
about how badly I need this job.

- Stop!
- I need this job real bad...

Excuse me, um, could we get
a job application over here, please?

In a way, I have a lot more riding
on this job than I do the cop thing.

God, I'd love to work here!

I got the apartment!

The place is great.

The only thing I'm a little worried about
is there is a Russian grocery store

down the block and Abby has a little bit
of a weird thing with ethnic white people.

But I think she could
really thrive there!

Where is she?

- Where's who?
- Abby.

Ab...? Oh, she's sleeping.

By herself.

Which is called "napping."

Okay, I'm gonna start secretly
packing up some of her stuff.

Do you think you can
keep distracting her?

- Yes, yeah, you know, just...
- Good.

how do we distract her? How do
you distract a woman like that?

Probably a guy.

Right? Who can we
set her up with?

Well, well, well,
who do we have?

Coach. No.

- Winston... - That's
actually kind of a good idea...

No!

- Schmidt!
- That's a terrible idea.

- But in the same sense...
- Abby will wreck Schmidt!

- Well, then luckily, the...
- So, here's the plan.

We're gonna have a nice dinner, we're
gonna get her buzzed but not drunk.

And then we're gonna
casually and naturally

bring up the apartment
so she thinks it's her idea.

- And I can do that, okay?
- Okay, good.

- I'm glad.
- I'll act cool, natural.

Casual. Au naturel.

- Au casual.
- You know what?

Maybe I should write
you some lines, pal.

Yeah, I'd really appreciate that 'cause...
Maybe not a lot of words.

Uh, so tell me, what are
your three weakest qualities?

See...

Just say "perfectionist."

- Perfectionist.
- Yeah.

And the other two...

um...

I'm overheating, right?

I'm overheating, okay? So here's
what we're gonna do now...

I'm just gonna shoot from
the hip, little rapid fire,

give you some fun facts you
might not know about me.

I hate standing up, I'm
bad with numbers, and...

I just honestly, from
the bottom of my heart,

don't think women should be
allowed to handle money.

Just, that's for real.

Let's just move
on to the salary.

And you didn't even fill out
the back of the application.

There's a back?

There is a back to
the application?

- Coach.
- What?

The LAPD exam...
maybe it had a back.

You didn't check to
see if it had a back?

We got to go to the precinct. I
didn't choke. I'm just careless.

And that is my biggest
weakness, you bitch.

- I'm so sorry, dude. I'm so sorry, dude.
- Yeah, that was bad.

- Man, I didn't even mean that.
- All right, get out of here.

- Get out of here. - Dawg, I
didn't mean that at all, man.

To our newest resident.

The City of Angels has sprouted
another pair of wings.

It's a majestic city,
drenched in sunshine,

that is actually just a collection
of 75 different neighborhoods.

Wow, I had no idea.

Please continue
to tell me more.

- You want more? - Who wants
to rediscover couscous?

- Hey, what the hell are you doing
here, Schmidt? - I invited him.

- I live here, too, right?
- Yeah, but...

It's okay, Abby can
make her own decisions,

no matter what
they might lead to.

- Thank you. - Now, somebody call the
pound 'cause my stomach is growling.

I said my stomach
is growling.

Sp... okay, uh,
speaking of dinner,

there are a lot of great
options in North Hollywood.

It's a real hot spot
full of young, hip people

who will be the
leaders of tomorrow.

- More wine?
- Great.

If I were moving to L.A. now,
I'd say yes-ho to NoHo.

Hey, hey, what
are you doing?

Oh, my.

Stop touching him, Abby.

I'm sorry, what'd you say?

- Touch him more?
- Do not touch him.

- What are you...?
- Do not do this right now.

How about that?

As luck would have it, I actually
know of a place in North Hollywood

with great tile work.

- I said, "Great tile work."
- Oh, for the first 12 months.

I think what you really mean to say
is there's an introductory offer

- for cable television.
- That's it, yeah...

Cable's a scam, I tell ya.
Sa... Satellite.

- What happened to no nonsense, Schmidt?
- Satellite's where it's at.

Nonsense has the
hands of an angel.

Okay, what's going on here?

I told Abby about the
apartment, and now she's...

giving Schmidt a sp...
a special.

Don't look at me.
Just look away.

Look away, look...
or look right at me.

- So this was going on
the whole time? - Yes.

And the hands are
just the half of it.

I mean, there's been banging
and poking and scratching

and hanging and teasing...
such teasing.

I mean, really excruciating,
life-giving teasing.

Shut up, Schmidt!
She was talking to me.

This has been a whole day of
lying and I can't take it.

First I had to
lie to Abby,

and so I spilled the beans about
the apartment. I'm sorry.

And then I had to lie about Abby
and Schmidt and the boning.

And then the manipulating
and the out-manipulating...

That's lying!

If you guys were just honest
with each other for one second,

none of this would
have happened.

Okay. All right. Abby...

I'm really sorry I tried to trick you,
but I just want what's best for you.

- One of us has to!
- You know, that is your problem.

You think you're better than people
and you always try to fix them.

- No, I don't!
- Yes, you do.

You've done it your whole life.
It's annoying.

You know what? Yes.

Yes. I would like to fix you.

No...
I would love to fix you!

But I'm done trying.
Because you're not changing.

And you don't think or care about
other people at all, and I do.

And that's why I don't want
you living in this loft.

That's honest.

You're a garbage person and you should
live in a Dumpster with rotten snails.

Hey! Nick!

- Too far! - Yeah, way
over the line, buddy.

- Yeah, but I thought we were just
piling in... - That's my sister, dude.

I didn't mean that,
yeah. Sorry.

Well, lucky for you,

- I'm moving out.
- Oh, thank God, Abby.

Oh, my God.

- You're really gonna like this place. It's
so nice... - I'm moving in with Schmidt.

What... what's that, now?
You're moving in with who?

- Seriously?
- We would have sex all the time.

Dinner was lovely,
you guys.

- Thank you so much.
- Bye.

- What?
- Ooh. Hey, uh, Jess?

Can I borrow your glasses? We're
gonna role-play as you guys.

- Ew. No.
- You don't understand.

She's not gonna be you.
I'm gonna be you.

- Ugh! Get out, Schmidt!
- Get out of here!

Okay...

Oh, God!

What's up, my man?

I took the test
last week...

or should I say, I took the front
part of the test last week...

and, sir, I am here to
finish what I started.

- What? - What he's trying to say
is, he took the entrance exam,

but he forgot to
do the back half.

Well, the test is administered
on a computer. There is no back.

You took the test
on a computer?

I choked. I am a failure.
I am a loser.

I am never gonna amount to anything.
I'm never gonna shoot somebody.

Dude. Have some
dignity, all right?

Thank you for your time, sir.

Winston.

Winston!
Yo!

Winston!

Dude, you failed, man.

You failed hard!
At everything!

- Dude, this pep talk sucks.
- I'm not finished.

Like, seriously, it's like
the Winston of pep talks.

Look at me.

You can do this, Winston.

Because now there's
nothing to be afraid of.

You hit rock bottom, man.

This is the worst
it's gonna get.

Sir, it has been my
dream to become a cop.

And no one's gonna stand
in my way... not you, not him...

Hey, I was helping.

...and definitely
not myself.

I would like to
retake this test.

Well, there's one at 7:30 tomorrow.

Man, what about my last
score makes you think

I'm ready to take this test
again in 12 hours?

- He'll be there. Yeah.
- Yeah, I'll be there.

Thank you for messing everything
up and being such a terrible liar.

Uh, you are very welcome.

I think I really needed to
say that stuff to my sister.

- She's gonna wreck Schmidt.
- Oof...

He has no idea.

I'm sorry my
family's so crazy.

Crazy? Your family's not crazy.
My family's crazy.

My father used to
trade horse semen.

I've got an uncle whose
God-given name is Shifty.

Well, thank goodness...

we're the sane ones.

So...

- Okay, now, remember: Up, and...
- Uh-huh.

- Hello, Abby.
- Hey. S'up?

Have you thought about
what you're gonna do

if they pair you
with a dirty cop?

Well, then, I would just
go to Internal Affairs.

Well, that's a good
way to get killed.

- Then at least I would die a hero.
- Hmm, no, you won't.

They'll put you in panties and then they'll
plant you next to a dead prostitute.

That's a poor lady.

It'd be a dude.

But it's awesome!
Good luck on the exam!

They got dude prostitutes?

Nuh-uh.