New Girl (2011–2018): Season 2, Episode 23 - Virgins - full transcript
Each of the friends tell their story about how they lost their virginity.
- What is that? What are you doing?
WINSTON: Oh, my goodness.
Hey, do you have any hair
you want removed?
I must decline such a
depressing invitation.
I'm going on a date with Elizabeth. I
haven't had sex with her since I was fat...
...and accessing my penis was like
getting the remote out of the couch.
Now I know things.
And I own things, like this.
- What is that?
- Oh, my God. That poor girl.
The Archduke, the crowning achievement
of the German Institute of Female Pleasure.
This thing takes 16 single-A batteries?
- I threw that thing out the window.
- That made it stronger.
Oh. That reminds me.
Daisy called and we're going out tonight.
Yeah, she sounded pretty excited.
I do believe her exact words were:
"This is your last chance." Heh.
- So I'm very confident. Very confident.
- Yeah.
[CELL PHONE CHIMES]
Schmidt, can you help me with my phone?
I have...
Oh, you need help?
Where's your women's lib now?
"From Teddy: In town tonight.
Would love to see you. Nine p.m. Drinks?"
CECE: Oh, my God, Teddy.
- Who's Teddy?
- Hey, man, what are you...?
JESS: Nick?
- Weird and gross.
- Sometimes I just sit and listen.
- Who's Teddy?
- What do you think he wants?
- You think I should meet him for a drink?
- Am I the only one dying to know who Teddy is?
- I think I speak for all of us...
- Nick, you and Jess didn't work out.
- Www. Move on. Org.
- It's not about that...
- Chill out.
- Yeah, no. Thanks.
Fine, look. Um... Ahh.
I already regret this.
Teddy... Teddy took my flower.
WINSTON: What?
SCHMIDT: Yeah, he did.
He stole a flower from you?
And you wanna have drinks with him?
- Oh, from your wonderful secret garden.
CECE: Ick.
- Oh, my God.
- You have to hear this story. It's the worst.
- No, no.
- It's the worst. It's the worst.
It's not any more embarrassing
than the story of me losing my virginity.
I promise you, mine's worse than all of yours.
Prom night 2000.
- What was the theme? I wanna know.
- Who cares about the theme?
[SINGING] Who's that girl?
CHORUS:
Who's that girl?
Who's that girl?
CHORUS: Who's that girl?
- It's Jess
JESS: It was after prom. Cece and I
were both 18 and we'd rented a hotel room.
JESS:
So...
...would you like to freak?
Yes, I would.
[LISA LOEB'S "STAY" PLAYING ON STEREO]
So
And I thought what I felt was simple
I'm gonna freak you toward the bed.
- Do I have your permission?
- Yes, you do.
And now that I am leaving
Now I know that I
So he and I were the founding members
of the Gender Equality Society.
Also the only members
of the Gender Equality Society.
We both asked each other to prom in the spirit
of gender equality. And we both said yes.
- No one cares.
- Oregon sucks.
I'm gonna take off your dress.
- Do I have your permission?
- Yep. Yep.
I only hear what I want to
- Um, I can't find the zipper.
- Oh. There is no zipper.
I made this dress
and my mom sewed me in.
Maybe I could try in the abdominal area.
Do I have permission?
Yes, you have my permission.
- Unwind the...
- Maybe if, um...
You know, um, maybe you could just rip it.
I turned the radio up
- I just wanna make sure you're feeling safe.
- No, no, no. I feel, like, so safe.
And, like, I've never
felt, like, more safe.
- Do I have your permission...?
- Just be a man and rip it off.
When we weep for the other
Who was dying since the day they were born
Well
Now I'm feeling very unsafe.
But I'm thrown
And I thought I'd live forever
Um, I think, um, I'm gonna go get, like...
I'll see if the front
desk has a seam ripper.
- Yeah.
SCHMIDT & NICK: Boo!
- Come on, Jess.
- Get to the sex part.
- If this is a story about sewing, I swear to God...
- Jeez, I'm getting there.
[SIGHS]
BOY:
You okay?
Yeah.
JESS:
Oh, man.
- He wore the hell out of those tuxedo pants.
- People have told me I look good in tuxedos.
- I don't think I've seen you in a tuxedo.
- I've worn a tuxedo. Heh. Everybody has.
- A tuxedo is different than a suit.
- It is?
Didn't he have a guitar?
Oh, my God, yes. Best part.
BOTH [SINGING]:
Yeah, because I missed you
WINSTON, NICK & SCHMIDT:
Boo!
SCHMIDT: Lame.
NICK: Yes.
- Man.
- Ahh.
Prom is so stupid, right?
Yeah. And, like, what is "prom" short for?
I think it's actually "promenade."
So you want a man?
You want a man? Okay.
There are no scissors in there,
so I taped these two steak knives together.
Now, do I have your permission to just...?
Oh! Aah!
Oh, my God.
- Um, I have to deal with this...
NICK: Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa.
[PLAYING "STAY"]
You mean,
you didn't lose your virginity at prom?
- Technically, no.
- Technically, why did we listen to that story?
- Technically, this guy's the worst.
- There was no sex.
Playing guitar for girls?
Girls don't like that, that's a fact.
- It's okay.
- What's okay?
I wasn't done yet, guys.
I was in the prologue.
David Foster Wallace, where is the sex?
You're in last place.
Cece, tell how you lost your virginity.
I need a palate cleanse.
- Actually, it was the same night.
- It was prom night? Really?
Who was it with,
Study-Hall Steve...
...or Cool-Car Johnny?
- Oh, yeah!
[NICK & SCHMIDT LAUGH]
- Not exactly.
- Not them.
So what? I'm a virgin.
[OVER SPEAKERS]
I'm running on empty
I don't wanna plan it out.
Whatever happens, happens.
MAN [BRITISH ACCENT]:
Oh, hello. I'd like to make love to you.
[WHISPERS] That's Mick Jagger.
SCHMIDT: What?! Game changer!
NICK: Whoa!
Freaking Beatlemania! Beatlemania!
- Keep it together, Schmidt.
- The Beatles?
He was on tour in Portland and we started
talking and then we started laughing.
What...? But I'm confused.
Cece, that is not an embarrassing story.
I know. But I just love telling it.
Yeah.
Cece, you officially move into last place.
Boom. Moving up, worst story.
Jess, you have no chance of winning.
It was my junior year of college.
I was about 200 pounds heavier.
I got some lubricant.
It's to use on a woman.
To increase her pleasure.
Hey, is it chill if I have the room later?
Elizabeth and I have been talking...
...and we plan on merging tonight.
Yeah, Schmidt.
Penis, vagina. Penis, vagina.
The room's all yours, cowboy.
I got some mushrooms...
...and I'm going to a Dave
Matthews concert. I'm a Daver.
CECE: That sucks.
JESS: Aah!
WINSTON:
White people.
Is this the first time
you'll be making full love?
No way, josé.
Look, Nick, back in high school,
they used to call me...
[STAMMERS]
...the Sex-Haver.
- That's a great nickname.
- But now that we're talking...
...would you mind having a discussion
openly about the subject of intercourse?
- "Shoot."
- Cool.
- Hey, does it hurt for the guys?
- Not one bit.
If I pee while it's
happening, will she die?
How many minutes before sex
is it okay to eat?
I don't think it's an exact science.
I think it depends on your frame.
I should eat right before.
In terms of lubricant,
do I put a small amount everywhere...
...or do I use a large amount
in a smaller area?
[SIGHS]
- You're harshing my vibe, Schmidt.
- You're the coolest, Nick.
- Yeah, so I'd already taken the mushrooms.
- Obviously.
And I was ready to go to the concert...
...when I realized the troll at the
end of my bed was upset about it.
I don't want any trouble.
I think you're a remarkable creature.
SCHMIDT: Mm.
- [WHISPERS] No.
Oh! I feel hot in my pants.
I don't understand why you didn't leave.
I told you a million times, my arm was
a magnet and the walls were magnetic.
What about that do you not understand?
[ON STEREO]
I submit to your demands
I will do anything
Girl, you need only ask
ELIZABETH:
That's a real big jar of lube, man.
Wait, why are you...
...rubbing it on your leg?
No, that's my arm.
[LUBE SQUELCHES]
ELIZABETH:
Aah! Eyes, eyes, eyes.
Stop moving so much. You're too slippery.
And I will not let go till you tell me to
- Oh, this lube is so slippery.
- Aah!
[BOTH GROAN]
Schmidt? Where are you? I can't see.
[WHISPERS] I'm having sex.
I think there's enough lube,
I think we can do it now.
[GRUNTING]
You definitely shouldn't be going
to get more.
Concentrate on you
Girl, are you ready?
It's gonna be a long night
- Throw your clothes
- Throw your clothes
- On the floor
- On the floor
I'm gonna take my clothes off too
- Schmidt?
SCHMIDT [IN NORMAL VOICE]: Be right there.
I think we overdid it.
Girl, whatever...
- I can't see.
SCHMIDT: I'm right here. Aah!
Schmidt, I wanna make love.
[WHISPERS]
I gotta go. It's sex.
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
I'm coming, Elizabeth.
[ALL LAUGH]
When we were dating, I was very limited
as to what we could do sexually.
It wasn't until the Iraqi War
I realized a guy could be on top.
That's all different now.
Now I have the Archduke.
Have you ever considered not using lube and
some giant sex toy and just being with her?
Plain Jane-ing it? Yeah, okay.
Well, I know for a fact that I can't win
this thing, because my story was beautiful.
JESS & CECE: Aw.
- No, your story was not beautiful.
Nick's dad took us on a business trip
to New York.
And he said that we could do
whatever we wanted.
- And we did.
NICK: Ha, ha.
Oh, man.
They're all on the Titanic.
How does this movie end?
I can't believe I've never seen it.
It's the best.
Your mom's the best, at having boobs.
- Shut up, stupid. Ha, ha.
- Ha, ha. Just kidding with you.
Hey. I didn't bring you two dummies
all the way to New York...
...so you could park your cans on the couch,
watch TV, and flick each other's Bics.
Dad, last night somebody broke in
and ordered a pornographic movie...
...so there's a mistake on the bill. Ha, ha.
- Ha, ha.
Yeah, okay, you can tell
that to the Marines.
Meanwhile,
I have a little surprise for you boys.
- Oh. Cool.
- Ladies.
No, no, no.
No, no, no.
Wait, what?
You lost your virginity to prostitutes?
No, they were businesswomen
who could dance sexy.
- Winston, 100 percent they were prostitutes.
- Dude, no.
Ladies, ladies, ladies,
we work in the finance markets.
I'm Mysteria, this is Octopussy.
- Your name's Octopussy?
- Absolutely.
Thank you guys for coming.
We're very wealthy.
[BOTH LAUGH]
- Winston, listen to their names.
- They sound like pros.
- She was a nurse. Her hat was in her purse.
- Would you listen to yourself?
[SUBLIME'S "CARESS ME DOWN"
PLAYING ON STEREO]
I'm hornier than Ron Jeremy
Honey, why are you sweating so much?
You should drink something.
Thank you for the offer, Miss Octopussy,
but I don't drink.
I prefer to be drunk on life.
- Wanna hold that for me? Thanks.
- Sure.
A pretty little daughter that we call Mexi
And if you wanna get beat physically
Perhaps I'll try some.
It will be over in a minute if you
So she told me to come over
And I took that trip
Pretty interesting.
[MYSTERIA MOANING]
I'm gonna do it to you.
- Gonna do what to me?
- [CRYING] I don't know.
- Are you crying?
- Please excuse me.
But I had to lay off
a lot of really good men today at work.
- What's wrong with your friend?
- He's a virgin.
Aren't you a virgin too?
Just my penis, baby. Just my penis.
WINSTON:
So Mysteria and I made love that night...
...for 10 beautiful seconds.
- So, what do you do for a living?
- Ha, ha!
Nick, I can't believe you lost
your virginity to Octopussy.
- I couldn't go through with it.
- That's because the boy had no game.
- He couldn't close.
- Okay, you don't need game.
They were prostitutes. My dad told me.
Pop-Pop told you? When?
- Nicky, you here?
NICK: Yeah, I'm here, Dad.
What are you doing?
If I'm being totally honest,
I've had some alcoholic beverages tonight.
Well, to be totally honest
with you, so have I.
How do you think I got through Annie?
Jeez, that was rough.
- What happened here?
- I'm sorry, Dad.
I couldn't make love
to Miss Octopussy tonight.
It's too dangerous.
And I was afraid the FBI was gonna
track me down or our paper trail.
You think too much.
You think too much about everything.
When I was your age,
my dad got a girl for me too.
I mean,
this is almost a Miller family tradition.
You should have seen her boobs,
they were great.
Real pointy, just like I like them.
Gross.
Listen, Nicky...
...you don't have to do anything
that you don't wanna do.
I just wanna make sure that you
don't miss out on things in life...
...that are happening
when you're not thinking.
Because believe you me,
those are the best things in life.
I think I really like drinking.
Well, that's great. That's wonderful.
That's a great start.
- It's really fun. It makes me feel good.
- Good.
[NICK CHUCKLES]
Uh...
Don't tell Winston about the girls,
you know, that they're pros.
- Yeah.
- I don't wanna break his heart, you know.
- Okay.
- I mean, you could tell him, but just wait.
You know, maybe after I'm gone.
I'll tell him when you're dead. Ha, ha.
So it's time you should know.
Mysteria.
On the bright side,
looks like you won the contest.
- Actually...
- Look at him. Let him have this.
I'm sorry, Winston,
I just can't let you win this.
My story involves murder.
Oh. Oh.
Was Mysteria even her real name?
No.
I'd just moved to L.A. To be with Cece,
and we went out to some bar.
- Do you remember where that was?
- No.
How did I get this far without having sex?
In three years, I'm gonna be 25.
I can't rent my first car as a virgin.
They'll know.
Okay, what about those guys over there?
- Megabeer!
- Party!
- Pour it at the same time.
- Yeah.
They are definitely single.
WINSTON: Mm-mm.
NICK: Mm!
I mean, kill me.
Oh, my God.
It was the guy from prom night.
It was fate.
- Wanna get out of here?
- Like, to do it?
- Yeah, I'd be down with that.
- Yes.
- But I'm kind of living out of my car right now.
- Damn it. I'm sleeping on my friend's couch.
[OVER SPEAKERS]
Taking all the buses I know
Do you like DVDs?
To women It's crazy
Do you sell cookies?
Been out there
But now I'll go back to you
I have an idea.
Hey, I'm kind of on a lot of antidepressants
right now, so this may kind of take a while.
The only antidepressants you need
are in my pants.
It's really a medical issue.
I'm so sorry. That was really uncool.
And take as much time as you need.
So two hours later, still nothing.
It was like a windsock on a windless day.
Give me an update, brother.
How's your wang?
Do you have like an...?
Is there, like, an angle you could?
Like, I mean...
It's just so much easier when it's in the
shower and you're by yourself and you don't...
Yeah. Yeah, yeah. What can I do to help?
Listen, why don't we try our luck
on the other side of the castle, okay?
[GRUNTING]
JESS:
Oh, my God!
- Aah. We're stuck.
- Hey, uh, I don't really know why...
...but I'm ready now.
SCHMIDT: We were promised murder.
CECE: She's not done.
Hey. Hey, kids.
Could one of you go get a grown-up?
We're doing some grown-up things
over here.
- Happy birthday.
- Happy birthday.
[SIREN WAILS]
Sir, um, we tried to make love on the
bench, but there was a man there.
Oh. He's still there. He must've been very tired.
He slept through all those sirens.
- This man's dead.
JESS: What?!
- Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
- I'm stuck!
Officer, it was very dark
and I did not see the knife.
- There's so much death in the world.
- Seriously, take your pills. I'm sick of you.
- I'm sick of you, warmonger.
- I'm sick of you.
Don't move.
- I think I might be gay.
- Yeah.
[SOBBING] Oh, my God.
Teddy's gay? I knew it. Yes.
That wasn't Teddy.
You said you caught me
JESS: That was Teddy.
NICK: What?
You try to give away a keeper
Or keep me 'cause you know you're just so
Scared to lose
And you say
I'm Teddy. Teddy Sherman.
"Stay"
Take me home, Teddy.
Take me home.
Ugh. I'm sick of firemen always winning.
Well, you know, I'd just waited so long
and Teddy took me by surprise.
It was the heat of the moment,
I didn't have to think about it.
SCHMIDT:
Well, who wins? I need a winner.
- I think we're all losers.
- Are you kidding me, Jess?
You had passionate sex with a fireman,
all right?
I had sex with a hooker.
Well, I mean, unless...
Are you guys sure she was a hooker?
[ALL CHATTERING]
Jess, wait. Was he the kind of fireman
that hangs back and takes care of the dog?
No. He straight-up fought fires.
- That's awful to hear.
- You never actually told me how you lost yours.
Alison Daniels.
On a towel, in the woods.
I cried, she kept her bra on.
It was nice.
[CELL PHONE CHIMES]
Oh.
I have to go meet Teddy. I should go.
What do you think?
[ELLIE GOULDING'S
"ANYTHING COULD HAPPEN" PLAYING]
What are you doing?
Let's not think about it.
I got three hours till the red-eye.
Let's do this.
Um, you know I don't do well
under pressure.
Just distract yourself.
Here, turn on the TV.
I've been trying to hide
We held our breath
To see our names are written
We're gonna be married in, like, two days.
Should we maybe, you know, try it once?
Not yet.
Yet since we found out
Since we found out
That anything could happen
Anything could happen
Anything could happen
Anything could happen
Anything could happen
Anything could
What is that?
It's a super intense
German personal power massager.
But I don't think we need it.
Hey, you know...
...since you came all
this way with that box...
We'll have to take batteries
out of the smoke detector.
[BOTH PANTING]
[JESS CHUCKLES]
[BOTH LAUGH]
NICK: Boy, oh, boy.
JESS: Ruh-roh.
WINSTON: Oh, my goodness.
Hey, do you have any hair
you want removed?
I must decline such a
depressing invitation.
I'm going on a date with Elizabeth. I
haven't had sex with her since I was fat...
...and accessing my penis was like
getting the remote out of the couch.
Now I know things.
And I own things, like this.
- What is that?
- Oh, my God. That poor girl.
The Archduke, the crowning achievement
of the German Institute of Female Pleasure.
This thing takes 16 single-A batteries?
- I threw that thing out the window.
- That made it stronger.
Oh. That reminds me.
Daisy called and we're going out tonight.
Yeah, she sounded pretty excited.
I do believe her exact words were:
"This is your last chance." Heh.
- So I'm very confident. Very confident.
- Yeah.
[CELL PHONE CHIMES]
Schmidt, can you help me with my phone?
I have...
Oh, you need help?
Where's your women's lib now?
"From Teddy: In town tonight.
Would love to see you. Nine p.m. Drinks?"
CECE: Oh, my God, Teddy.
- Who's Teddy?
- Hey, man, what are you...?
JESS: Nick?
- Weird and gross.
- Sometimes I just sit and listen.
- Who's Teddy?
- What do you think he wants?
- You think I should meet him for a drink?
- Am I the only one dying to know who Teddy is?
- I think I speak for all of us...
- Nick, you and Jess didn't work out.
- Www. Move on. Org.
- It's not about that...
- Chill out.
- Yeah, no. Thanks.
Fine, look. Um... Ahh.
I already regret this.
Teddy... Teddy took my flower.
WINSTON: What?
SCHMIDT: Yeah, he did.
He stole a flower from you?
And you wanna have drinks with him?
- Oh, from your wonderful secret garden.
CECE: Ick.
- Oh, my God.
- You have to hear this story. It's the worst.
- No, no.
- It's the worst. It's the worst.
It's not any more embarrassing
than the story of me losing my virginity.
I promise you, mine's worse than all of yours.
Prom night 2000.
- What was the theme? I wanna know.
- Who cares about the theme?
[SINGING] Who's that girl?
CHORUS:
Who's that girl?
Who's that girl?
CHORUS: Who's that girl?
- It's Jess
JESS: It was after prom. Cece and I
were both 18 and we'd rented a hotel room.
JESS:
So...
...would you like to freak?
Yes, I would.
[LISA LOEB'S "STAY" PLAYING ON STEREO]
So
And I thought what I felt was simple
I'm gonna freak you toward the bed.
- Do I have your permission?
- Yes, you do.
And now that I am leaving
Now I know that I
So he and I were the founding members
of the Gender Equality Society.
Also the only members
of the Gender Equality Society.
We both asked each other to prom in the spirit
of gender equality. And we both said yes.
- No one cares.
- Oregon sucks.
I'm gonna take off your dress.
- Do I have your permission?
- Yep. Yep.
I only hear what I want to
- Um, I can't find the zipper.
- Oh. There is no zipper.
I made this dress
and my mom sewed me in.
Maybe I could try in the abdominal area.
Do I have permission?
Yes, you have my permission.
- Unwind the...
- Maybe if, um...
You know, um, maybe you could just rip it.
I turned the radio up
- I just wanna make sure you're feeling safe.
- No, no, no. I feel, like, so safe.
And, like, I've never
felt, like, more safe.
- Do I have your permission...?
- Just be a man and rip it off.
When we weep for the other
Who was dying since the day they were born
Well
Now I'm feeling very unsafe.
But I'm thrown
And I thought I'd live forever
Um, I think, um, I'm gonna go get, like...
I'll see if the front
desk has a seam ripper.
- Yeah.
SCHMIDT & NICK: Boo!
- Come on, Jess.
- Get to the sex part.
- If this is a story about sewing, I swear to God...
- Jeez, I'm getting there.
[SIGHS]
BOY:
You okay?
Yeah.
JESS:
Oh, man.
- He wore the hell out of those tuxedo pants.
- People have told me I look good in tuxedos.
- I don't think I've seen you in a tuxedo.
- I've worn a tuxedo. Heh. Everybody has.
- A tuxedo is different than a suit.
- It is?
Didn't he have a guitar?
Oh, my God, yes. Best part.
BOTH [SINGING]:
Yeah, because I missed you
WINSTON, NICK & SCHMIDT:
Boo!
SCHMIDT: Lame.
NICK: Yes.
- Man.
- Ahh.
Prom is so stupid, right?
Yeah. And, like, what is "prom" short for?
I think it's actually "promenade."
So you want a man?
You want a man? Okay.
There are no scissors in there,
so I taped these two steak knives together.
Now, do I have your permission to just...?
Oh! Aah!
Oh, my God.
- Um, I have to deal with this...
NICK: Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa.
[PLAYING "STAY"]
You mean,
you didn't lose your virginity at prom?
- Technically, no.
- Technically, why did we listen to that story?
- Technically, this guy's the worst.
- There was no sex.
Playing guitar for girls?
Girls don't like that, that's a fact.
- It's okay.
- What's okay?
I wasn't done yet, guys.
I was in the prologue.
David Foster Wallace, where is the sex?
You're in last place.
Cece, tell how you lost your virginity.
I need a palate cleanse.
- Actually, it was the same night.
- It was prom night? Really?
Who was it with,
Study-Hall Steve...
...or Cool-Car Johnny?
- Oh, yeah!
[NICK & SCHMIDT LAUGH]
- Not exactly.
- Not them.
So what? I'm a virgin.
[OVER SPEAKERS]
I'm running on empty
I don't wanna plan it out.
Whatever happens, happens.
MAN [BRITISH ACCENT]:
Oh, hello. I'd like to make love to you.
[WHISPERS] That's Mick Jagger.
SCHMIDT: What?! Game changer!
NICK: Whoa!
Freaking Beatlemania! Beatlemania!
- Keep it together, Schmidt.
- The Beatles?
He was on tour in Portland and we started
talking and then we started laughing.
What...? But I'm confused.
Cece, that is not an embarrassing story.
I know. But I just love telling it.
Yeah.
Cece, you officially move into last place.
Boom. Moving up, worst story.
Jess, you have no chance of winning.
It was my junior year of college.
I was about 200 pounds heavier.
I got some lubricant.
It's to use on a woman.
To increase her pleasure.
Hey, is it chill if I have the room later?
Elizabeth and I have been talking...
...and we plan on merging tonight.
Yeah, Schmidt.
Penis, vagina. Penis, vagina.
The room's all yours, cowboy.
I got some mushrooms...
...and I'm going to a Dave
Matthews concert. I'm a Daver.
CECE: That sucks.
JESS: Aah!
WINSTON:
White people.
Is this the first time
you'll be making full love?
No way, josé.
Look, Nick, back in high school,
they used to call me...
[STAMMERS]
...the Sex-Haver.
- That's a great nickname.
- But now that we're talking...
...would you mind having a discussion
openly about the subject of intercourse?
- "Shoot."
- Cool.
- Hey, does it hurt for the guys?
- Not one bit.
If I pee while it's
happening, will she die?
How many minutes before sex
is it okay to eat?
I don't think it's an exact science.
I think it depends on your frame.
I should eat right before.
In terms of lubricant,
do I put a small amount everywhere...
...or do I use a large amount
in a smaller area?
[SIGHS]
- You're harshing my vibe, Schmidt.
- You're the coolest, Nick.
- Yeah, so I'd already taken the mushrooms.
- Obviously.
And I was ready to go to the concert...
...when I realized the troll at the
end of my bed was upset about it.
I don't want any trouble.
I think you're a remarkable creature.
SCHMIDT: Mm.
- [WHISPERS] No.
Oh! I feel hot in my pants.
I don't understand why you didn't leave.
I told you a million times, my arm was
a magnet and the walls were magnetic.
What about that do you not understand?
[ON STEREO]
I submit to your demands
I will do anything
Girl, you need only ask
ELIZABETH:
That's a real big jar of lube, man.
Wait, why are you...
...rubbing it on your leg?
No, that's my arm.
[LUBE SQUELCHES]
ELIZABETH:
Aah! Eyes, eyes, eyes.
Stop moving so much. You're too slippery.
And I will not let go till you tell me to
- Oh, this lube is so slippery.
- Aah!
[BOTH GROAN]
Schmidt? Where are you? I can't see.
[WHISPERS] I'm having sex.
I think there's enough lube,
I think we can do it now.
[GRUNTING]
You definitely shouldn't be going
to get more.
Concentrate on you
Girl, are you ready?
It's gonna be a long night
- Throw your clothes
- Throw your clothes
- On the floor
- On the floor
I'm gonna take my clothes off too
- Schmidt?
SCHMIDT [IN NORMAL VOICE]: Be right there.
I think we overdid it.
Girl, whatever...
- I can't see.
SCHMIDT: I'm right here. Aah!
Schmidt, I wanna make love.
[WHISPERS]
I gotta go. It's sex.
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
I'm coming, Elizabeth.
[ALL LAUGH]
When we were dating, I was very limited
as to what we could do sexually.
It wasn't until the Iraqi War
I realized a guy could be on top.
That's all different now.
Now I have the Archduke.
Have you ever considered not using lube and
some giant sex toy and just being with her?
Plain Jane-ing it? Yeah, okay.
Well, I know for a fact that I can't win
this thing, because my story was beautiful.
JESS & CECE: Aw.
- No, your story was not beautiful.
Nick's dad took us on a business trip
to New York.
And he said that we could do
whatever we wanted.
- And we did.
NICK: Ha, ha.
Oh, man.
They're all on the Titanic.
How does this movie end?
I can't believe I've never seen it.
It's the best.
Your mom's the best, at having boobs.
- Shut up, stupid. Ha, ha.
- Ha, ha. Just kidding with you.
Hey. I didn't bring you two dummies
all the way to New York...
...so you could park your cans on the couch,
watch TV, and flick each other's Bics.
Dad, last night somebody broke in
and ordered a pornographic movie...
...so there's a mistake on the bill. Ha, ha.
- Ha, ha.
Yeah, okay, you can tell
that to the Marines.
Meanwhile,
I have a little surprise for you boys.
- Oh. Cool.
- Ladies.
No, no, no.
No, no, no.
Wait, what?
You lost your virginity to prostitutes?
No, they were businesswomen
who could dance sexy.
- Winston, 100 percent they were prostitutes.
- Dude, no.
Ladies, ladies, ladies,
we work in the finance markets.
I'm Mysteria, this is Octopussy.
- Your name's Octopussy?
- Absolutely.
Thank you guys for coming.
We're very wealthy.
[BOTH LAUGH]
- Winston, listen to their names.
- They sound like pros.
- She was a nurse. Her hat was in her purse.
- Would you listen to yourself?
[SUBLIME'S "CARESS ME DOWN"
PLAYING ON STEREO]
I'm hornier than Ron Jeremy
Honey, why are you sweating so much?
You should drink something.
Thank you for the offer, Miss Octopussy,
but I don't drink.
I prefer to be drunk on life.
- Wanna hold that for me? Thanks.
- Sure.
A pretty little daughter that we call Mexi
And if you wanna get beat physically
Perhaps I'll try some.
It will be over in a minute if you
So she told me to come over
And I took that trip
Pretty interesting.
[MYSTERIA MOANING]
I'm gonna do it to you.
- Gonna do what to me?
- [CRYING] I don't know.
- Are you crying?
- Please excuse me.
But I had to lay off
a lot of really good men today at work.
- What's wrong with your friend?
- He's a virgin.
Aren't you a virgin too?
Just my penis, baby. Just my penis.
WINSTON:
So Mysteria and I made love that night...
...for 10 beautiful seconds.
- So, what do you do for a living?
- Ha, ha!
Nick, I can't believe you lost
your virginity to Octopussy.
- I couldn't go through with it.
- That's because the boy had no game.
- He couldn't close.
- Okay, you don't need game.
They were prostitutes. My dad told me.
Pop-Pop told you? When?
- Nicky, you here?
NICK: Yeah, I'm here, Dad.
What are you doing?
If I'm being totally honest,
I've had some alcoholic beverages tonight.
Well, to be totally honest
with you, so have I.
How do you think I got through Annie?
Jeez, that was rough.
- What happened here?
- I'm sorry, Dad.
I couldn't make love
to Miss Octopussy tonight.
It's too dangerous.
And I was afraid the FBI was gonna
track me down or our paper trail.
You think too much.
You think too much about everything.
When I was your age,
my dad got a girl for me too.
I mean,
this is almost a Miller family tradition.
You should have seen her boobs,
they were great.
Real pointy, just like I like them.
Gross.
Listen, Nicky...
...you don't have to do anything
that you don't wanna do.
I just wanna make sure that you
don't miss out on things in life...
...that are happening
when you're not thinking.
Because believe you me,
those are the best things in life.
I think I really like drinking.
Well, that's great. That's wonderful.
That's a great start.
- It's really fun. It makes me feel good.
- Good.
[NICK CHUCKLES]
Uh...
Don't tell Winston about the girls,
you know, that they're pros.
- Yeah.
- I don't wanna break his heart, you know.
- Okay.
- I mean, you could tell him, but just wait.
You know, maybe after I'm gone.
I'll tell him when you're dead. Ha, ha.
So it's time you should know.
Mysteria.
On the bright side,
looks like you won the contest.
- Actually...
- Look at him. Let him have this.
I'm sorry, Winston,
I just can't let you win this.
My story involves murder.
Oh. Oh.
Was Mysteria even her real name?
No.
I'd just moved to L.A. To be with Cece,
and we went out to some bar.
- Do you remember where that was?
- No.
How did I get this far without having sex?
In three years, I'm gonna be 25.
I can't rent my first car as a virgin.
They'll know.
Okay, what about those guys over there?
- Megabeer!
- Party!
- Pour it at the same time.
- Yeah.
They are definitely single.
WINSTON: Mm-mm.
NICK: Mm!
I mean, kill me.
Oh, my God.
It was the guy from prom night.
It was fate.
- Wanna get out of here?
- Like, to do it?
- Yeah, I'd be down with that.
- Yes.
- But I'm kind of living out of my car right now.
- Damn it. I'm sleeping on my friend's couch.
[OVER SPEAKERS]
Taking all the buses I know
Do you like DVDs?
To women It's crazy
Do you sell cookies?
Been out there
But now I'll go back to you
I have an idea.
Hey, I'm kind of on a lot of antidepressants
right now, so this may kind of take a while.
The only antidepressants you need
are in my pants.
It's really a medical issue.
I'm so sorry. That was really uncool.
And take as much time as you need.
So two hours later, still nothing.
It was like a windsock on a windless day.
Give me an update, brother.
How's your wang?
Do you have like an...?
Is there, like, an angle you could?
Like, I mean...
It's just so much easier when it's in the
shower and you're by yourself and you don't...
Yeah. Yeah, yeah. What can I do to help?
Listen, why don't we try our luck
on the other side of the castle, okay?
[GRUNTING]
JESS:
Oh, my God!
- Aah. We're stuck.
- Hey, uh, I don't really know why...
...but I'm ready now.
SCHMIDT: We were promised murder.
CECE: She's not done.
Hey. Hey, kids.
Could one of you go get a grown-up?
We're doing some grown-up things
over here.
- Happy birthday.
- Happy birthday.
[SIREN WAILS]
Sir, um, we tried to make love on the
bench, but there was a man there.
Oh. He's still there. He must've been very tired.
He slept through all those sirens.
- This man's dead.
JESS: What?!
- Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
- I'm stuck!
Officer, it was very dark
and I did not see the knife.
- There's so much death in the world.
- Seriously, take your pills. I'm sick of you.
- I'm sick of you, warmonger.
- I'm sick of you.
Don't move.
- I think I might be gay.
- Yeah.
[SOBBING] Oh, my God.
Teddy's gay? I knew it. Yes.
That wasn't Teddy.
You said you caught me
JESS: That was Teddy.
NICK: What?
You try to give away a keeper
Or keep me 'cause you know you're just so
Scared to lose
And you say
I'm Teddy. Teddy Sherman.
"Stay"
Take me home, Teddy.
Take me home.
Ugh. I'm sick of firemen always winning.
Well, you know, I'd just waited so long
and Teddy took me by surprise.
It was the heat of the moment,
I didn't have to think about it.
SCHMIDT:
Well, who wins? I need a winner.
- I think we're all losers.
- Are you kidding me, Jess?
You had passionate sex with a fireman,
all right?
I had sex with a hooker.
Well, I mean, unless...
Are you guys sure she was a hooker?
[ALL CHATTERING]
Jess, wait. Was he the kind of fireman
that hangs back and takes care of the dog?
No. He straight-up fought fires.
- That's awful to hear.
- You never actually told me how you lost yours.
Alison Daniels.
On a towel, in the woods.
I cried, she kept her bra on.
It was nice.
[CELL PHONE CHIMES]
Oh.
I have to go meet Teddy. I should go.
What do you think?
[ELLIE GOULDING'S
"ANYTHING COULD HAPPEN" PLAYING]
What are you doing?
Let's not think about it.
I got three hours till the red-eye.
Let's do this.
Um, you know I don't do well
under pressure.
Just distract yourself.
Here, turn on the TV.
I've been trying to hide
We held our breath
To see our names are written
We're gonna be married in, like, two days.
Should we maybe, you know, try it once?
Not yet.
Yet since we found out
Since we found out
That anything could happen
Anything could happen
Anything could happen
Anything could happen
Anything could happen
Anything could
What is that?
It's a super intense
German personal power massager.
But I don't think we need it.
Hey, you know...
...since you came all
this way with that box...
We'll have to take batteries
out of the smoke detector.
[BOTH PANTING]
[JESS CHUCKLES]
[BOTH LAUGH]
NICK: Boy, oh, boy.
JESS: Ruh-roh.