New Girl (2011–2018): Season 2, Episode 22 - Bachelorette Party - full transcript

Oh, my God, what is that?

I don't wanna hear it. Mom sent it to me.
It belonged to my father.

We have the same exact butt.

- What are you wearing?
- What are you wearing?

I'm dressed for Booty Burn Bootcamp.
I know what you're thinking.

Not because I need it. I go to inspire others.
Take that thing off.

- You look like a homeless pencil.
- I will not, I have a pass.

A pass? What kind of pass?

A "Dead Dad Pass."

It means I can do what I want,
and no one can say anything about it.

Like right now, I want to tap dance,
and you, Jess...



...you cannot tell me that this isn't tap.

- Nick, that's just not tap.
- My dad died!

- I'm sorry, it's just not.
- Hey, y'all. Look at these fancy invites.

Do you think it's to a gala event?
I've always wanted to go to a gala event.

- What the hell are you wearing?
- Dead Dad Pass.

Oh, my God, it's Cece's wedding!
Wait a minute.

It's in three weeks.

She didn't tell me
it was in three weeks.

Cece didn't give me a plus one.
How dare she!

You can't invite an ex to a wedding and not
give him the dignity of consolation sex.

Girl better recognize.
Schmidty gonna go get his plus one.

Ew, Nick, what are you doing?

Dead Dad Pass.

[SINGING] Hey, girl



What you doing?

Hey, girl

Where you going?

- Who's that girl?
CHORUS: Who's that girl?

- Who's that girl?
CHORUS: Who's that girl?

It's Jess

I have not technically been asked
to be maid of honor.

I am throwing Cece's
surprise bachelorette party here tonight...

...and the only males invited are
strippers, so oil up or get out, guys.

Seriously, though,
this is a really big deal.

Some girls plan their weddings.

Cece planned her bachelorette party.

I want to have the dirtiest
bachelorette party of all time.

Then you better have it in a pig pen.
Heh, heh, heh.

No, I mean I want strippers
and a mechanical bull...

...and balloons in the shape
of ding-dongs.

And I wanna wear the kind of underwear
that goes between your cheeks.

- I'm also gonna need your help.
- Oh, God!

- We had ample opportunity to leave.
- I saw it coming miles away, did nothing.

No, I just need you to kidnap Shivrang
so I can get Cece alone.

Rough house him bit, drop him off in the
desert till he don't breathe no more?

What?

I'm so happy you guys could come help.
All the way from India.

Look at all the ladies bonding.
Ha, ha.

This is so exciting.

You know, Grandmother and Ankita Auntie
just couldn't wait to meet you.

Yeah.

[WHISPERS] A little overwhelmed. I'm gonna...
- I know.

Wait, listen. Babe, just think.

When all this madness is over...

...you and I will finally get to, you know: Tsk, tsk.
- What are you doing?

- Freaking me out.
- You know, make love...

...which I am personally
looking forward to greatly.

And we'll already be married forever.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

I'll... I'll get it.

- Hello.
- Shivrang. What are you doing here?

I, uh... You stole my question.

Hi, how are you?
My invitation didn't have a plus one.

If this is a mistake,
I'd like an apology for pain caused me.

- Also, a reimbursement for all travel expenses.
- Not a mistake. There's no plus one.

- Who is this?
- I'm Gérard Depardieu.

Who do you think I am, lady?
I'm Schmidt.

- Get in my room. Move.
- I'm going to your room right now.

Listen, that is my future family. You
cannot speak like that in front of them.

And no, you cannot have a plus one.

This wedding has a budget.

"Plus ones" are for spouses
and serious partners only.

So you assume
I won't have a serious partner by then?

I know you won't.
You're not a relationship guy. It's fine.

I can do anything. I figured out
Alyssa Milano's phone number...

...just by randomly
choosing numbers.

Every girl that I've ever slept with wants to
be my girlfriend. That's just the way it is.

If you have a real girlfriend by the
wedding, I'll give you a plus one...

- Challenge accepted.
- Not a challenge.

- Time to go make some dreams come true.
- Uh... Ahem.

JESS:
Hey, ladies.

I wanna thank you all for coming
on such short notice...

...for Cece's last night of freedom.
- Hi, models.

- Hi.
- I'm a lawyer.

Hi. I'm Sadie, I'm a lesbian.

- Hey.
- Hi, lesbian.

I'm 39 weeks large right now.

Can't stand for more than 60 seconds...

...but just wanted to say I'm so excited
to be raging with you all...

...so bring on the cranberry juice, right?

- I need this.
- It's really weird.

- You're acting really weird.
- Just so many models.

- I know, I know.
- So many.

You can look. Don't touch.

One more thing.

I am a doctor, if anyone's
got any areas they want...

...looked at. I'm fine to take a peek...
That's too much.

Don't make me call your wife.

[PHONE BEEPING]

Oh, my God. Oh, my God, Cece's here.

Everybody, assume surprise positions.

Yeah, yeah, yeah
'Cause you make me feel like

She's coming. Cece's coming.

I don't get what's happening.

CECE: I'm just gonna run upstairs
and quickly grab a CD from Jess.

- I'll come too.
- That's okay, I'll be really fast.

- Want to see what your friends are like.
- Have fun.

- Okay. This is gonna be great. It's just Jess.
- Okay.

SHIVRANG:
Bye.

I'll be right here.

NICK: Hey, hey, hey.
- Whoa.

Nick, sorry,
I thought you were Jane Lynch.

- Jane Lynch. Nice wheels, man.
- Thank you. I'm a bit of a car man myself.

- Right on, good for you.
- I decided to go for some...

WINSTON: Argh!
SHIVRANG: Ah!

NICK: Too far, Winston.
SHIVRANG: Oh, take the car, take the car.

I'm gonna beat your ass
with an athletic stick.

- Ha, ha, ha!
- Winston, Winston.

Jess said kidnap him.
That's what I'm doing.

It's a figure of speech,
you idiot.

- You nervous?
- Uh-huh.

ALL:
Surprise!

CECE: Ha, ha.
- It's your bachelorette party!

- Jess, I...
- Love it? I know.

Complete with your favorite game,
Pin the Dong on Shivrang.

ALL:
Pin the dong! Pin the dong!

- Oh. Hello.
- Um, Jess.

This is Ankita Jee, Shivrang's aunt.
All the way from India.

Hello.

Ankita, this is Jess,
my non-blood-related best friend.

Welcome to California.

May I please use your restroom?
I need to wash my hands.

Yes, of course. It's down the hall.

Also there's a very sexually
aggressive message on the mirror...

...and I apologize for that.

[ANKITA SCOFFS]

BOTH [WHISPER]: Pin the dong. Pin it.
- I can't.

- Come on, Cece.
- Get the bull's-eye.

I haven't seen Shivrang's penis.

JESS: Oh.
- It's that small?

You still know where it goes though.

It just hit me.
I'm about to commit the rest of my life...

...to a man that I've never seen naked.
- Cece, chances are...

...he has, like, a standard,
garden-variety penis.

And if we're all really honest with
ourselves, isn't it all about the gonads?

- Am I right, ladies?
ALL: No.

I'm trying to make her feel better.

And Ankita cannot hear anything about this.
She will not understand.

You guys have to promise
to keep it G-rated tonight.

You've dreamt of this party your whole life.
I wouldn't wanna change it.

- No.
- Really?

- I can't.
- Really?

I can't.

- Okay.
- Cece, what if it looks like an old carrot?

- What if it's curly?
- Oh, God.

If he's using it right,
no one's seeing his penis.

Okay, I'm gonna fix this.

So if Jess is throwing Cece
a surprise bachelorette party...

...does that make this
my surprise bachelor party?

You shut that pretty mouth of yours, Romeo,
before I fill it with fire!

You gotta ease up, Winston.

[PHONE RINGING]

- I gotta go. I got a call.
- Oh, no, no. No, don't, please.

- I need a picture of Shivrang's penis.
- Dead Dad Pass! New topic!

Cece's really freaking out,
she hasn't seen...

...his penis.
- For the love of God, Dead Dad Pass.

And I need it to scale
so please put like a nickel or a big toe...

...or a golf pencil in there for reference.

- It's not gonna happen!
- One picture and you can come home.

Give me 20 minutes.

If you wanna end this,
we need to get a photo of Shivrang's penis.

- There it is.
- Cool.

Hey, Shivrang. Ha! We're liars, man.

We are throwing you a good...

...old-fashioned American bachelor party!
- Whoo!

SHIVRANG: Yeah.
- Bachelor party.

- Whoa, whoa! Hey, what are you?
- Stop!

What is wrong with you?

Come on, come on

Yeah Come on, come on

I know, why don't we talk about some of
the things that we love about Shivrang?

I'll start.

- He has really good taste in magazines.
- This sucks!

- Boring.
- So lame.

Jess, let's put in the slide show
that you made for Cece.

- I don't think that's a good idea.
- Yes. I love porn cinema.

JESS: No! Oh, my God, no.
ALL: Whoo!

JESS:
Oh, my God, no, guys.

JESS: How are we gonna get a picture
of Shivrang's junk?

Well, spoiler alert, women are liars.

- Yeah.
- They're supposed to want commitment, right?

But then I offer it to them on a silver platter,
and they throw it in my face like a comedy pie.

This is awkward
because we slept together...

...and I never returned
your phone calls...

...so this might come as a shock to you
but will you be my girlfriend?

Oh, God. I thought you had herpes.
Heh, heh.

But no to the girlfriend, you dick.

Remember two years ago,
when we were watching coverage...

...of the BP oil spill and doing it
during the commercials?

And then you asked me if I wanted a serious
relationship and I laughed in your face?

Well, my new answer is yes.

[DOOR LOCK CHIRPING]

- Be my girlfriend!
- Aah!

What's that all about?

Cream cheese in bulk?

I mean, it's possible that Cece's right.

I mean, maybe I'm just not
a serious relationship kind of guy.

What are you talking about?
You dated Elizabeth for, like, years.

- Yeah.
- Elizabeth. Yeah, but Elizabeth doesn't count.

She was during
my Big Guy period.

So you like the foot rub?
Softer, harder?

That's perfect, Big Guy.

- Look at these little toes.
- All my little toesies...

...feel so good when you rub on them.
- Heh, heh, heh.

This little one went to market...

If Elizabeth doesn't count, then why
is it seared into my brain forever?

- You're awfully salty about that.
- She counts.

We need to make Cece jealous.
I don't think that's the route.

- Then go to the wedding alone.
- Ho-ho.

- Then go with Elizabeth.
- Great idea. I'm gonna ask Elizabeth.

Yeah.
You're of no help to me, Nick.

The whole thing with Elizabeth was that
I was also suggesting...

- Thanks, guys.
NICK: You're an idiot.

WINSTON: The worst.
SCHMIDT: You guys win.

How'd you know we were here?

Oh, I just couldn't decide.

Your country's refusal to embrace
Robbie Williams will forever baffle me.

We're really glad you're back
at the table with us, Shivrang.

- "Shivrang."
- Let's play a classic...

...bachelor party game now.
- All right.

I'm gonna take a photo of my junk!

- No, you not.
NICK: Yeah, I am.

This is what we do in America, Shivrang. I
work here, doesn't matter, they won't fire me.

SHIVRANG: Oh, hey.
- Yeah, it's fine. Okay.

That is my junk in a photo.

Okay, your turn, Shivrang.

- Oh, no.
NICK: Take a photo of your junk.

- We're all doing it.
- Absolutely not.

But I will get us another round of drinks.

- Take the photo...
- Take it!

Who fancies a shandy?

- What the hell is that?
- It's a drink.

Two for you guys, coming right up. Ha, ha.

- Cece actually designed that toilet.
SADIE: Whoo!

Cece was a volunteer nurse, and, um...

No bottoms.

You know, what happens in Orlando
stays in Orlando.

Nadia, seriously, turn it off.

Cece, is this how
you like to spend time with your friends?

- The kind of wife you want to be?
CECE: No!

No, it's not at all, okay? I didn't even know
this party was happening. It was a surprise.

I promise you, this is so not me.

I didn't want any of it.

Cece, you wanted a bachelorette party
ever since I've known you.

- Why pretend to be somebody you're not?
- What are you saying?

This is all moving really, really fast.

Maybe you need to get to know
Shivrang more and slow this down...

...so he can get to know you.

I'm getting married in three weeks.
Are you saying I shouldn't?

- No, I'm just saying...
- I knew it.

I knew it. You have been against
this wedding from the beginning.

Fine. I don't think
you should marry Shivrang...

...if it means you have to change
who you are.

Well, I don't need relationship advice...

...from a girl in a seventh-grade debacle
with the boy across the hall!

"Oh, I'm a single adult
and I kissed another single adult.

What's gonna happen?

Does Nick like me? I better go pick out
a party dress. I wear pajama sets!"

Question my pajamas,
you make me question our friendship!

- Just say it!
- You never asked me to be maid of honor!

It's awful hot in here. Who wants to cool
down with a double scoop of Alfredo?

- Not now, Alfredo.
- Seriously?

I'll take you to the candy shop

I'll let you lick the lollypop

Go ahead, girl, don't you stop
Keep going till you hit the...

[MUSIC STOPS]

Congratulations, Cece.

Well, chaps, I guess we'll make our own.

But first, I have to use the bathroom.

See you in a minute. This is fun. Heh, heh.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Yeah.

Fire!

- Real fire. This fire is real!
- Fire! Fire!

What are you doing?
You were supposed to take the picture!

- It's burning so fast.
- Go put it out!

You guys are acting really, really peculiar.
What is going on?

What is going on...

...is that, uh...

Recently I've been one-half orphaned.

- I'm sorry...
- My dad passed away...

[WINSTON SOBBING]

- We orphans, man.
- And it would mean the world to us...

Not so much.

- If, uh, we can get a photo of your penis.

Wait... What? I'm...

- It would help with the grief...
- For Walt, man.

- All right, all right, enough.
- Okay!

We need a photo for...

- For Cece.
- Cece?

She's freaking out because she's never seen
you naked. She's afraid it looks all funky.

Just show us that it looks regular
and we all go home.

She's freaking out?

Look, guys, I've gotta go.
I have to talk to her.

You're... We're all in the same car. Ugh.

- I'm gonna take care of this.
- How?

Crop, rotate, rotate. And send.

What are you doing?

- I sent a picture of your penis to Jess.
- No.

- I told her it was Shivrang's. We good.
- No. You did not just do that.

[PHONE BEEPING]

JESS: Shivrang.
- What Shivrang... Shivrang what?

- What...
- No, it's nothing. Don't...

Shivrang's shiv?
You got your idiot roommates...

...to kidnap him and take a picture of...
JESS: You're freaking out!

WOMAN: Let's see.
- Oh, three more weeks of winter.

CECE: Oh, my God.
- What...?

Get out!

Sorry. I'm so sorry. I
immediately regret that.

- Show me!
- Okay.

Ah. Heh, heh.

You are scared because you haven't seen
your future husband's manhood?

Where I come from,
women cry about this for days.

Hm.

This is real. This is not a dream.

Look, I've kept off the weight.

You knew me when action sandals...

...were my necessary footwear.
- What do you want?

- Why do you think I want something?
- I dated you four years.

I know when you want something.
What do you want?

I would like to take you to a wedding.

- I miss you so much...
- No...

...I can't take you seriously
wearing such tight pants.

- Get to the point.
- Okay, look...

...my model ex-girlfriend...

...is getting married to some little
Indian man who I just don't understand.

Look, and...

I want you to pretend to be my girlfriend
so she gets sad...

...breaks off the wedding,
and runs away with me.

- Not a chance.
- No?

Wait, wait, wait, please.

- Elizabeth...
- I'm only going to say this once:

You were the greatest boyfriend.

I loved Big Guy.

But then you lost weight...

...and you got mean.

You stopped listening to me...

...you changed completely...

...you stopped paying for my dinner...

Elizabeth, to be fair...

...at that point you were eating
the lion's share of the food.

And you were sitting there eating one basil
leaf, looking like an idiot panda bear.

- Well...
- Look.

I loved Big Guy...

...with all my heart...

...but I have no interest in helping the
guy who's standing in front of me now.

I hate your hair.

And I looked, and I looked,
and I couldn't find it.

Where is it?
And then I realized, "Uh-oh."

- That is not his leg.
ALL: Ha, ha, ha.

Oh, hey, Jess, please tell me that nobody's
looked at your photos in your phone.

Um... You're too late. Cece looked at it.

We all looked at it.

- Prize hog, Shivrang.
- Yeah, good...

- I'm so sorry they made you do it.
- It's okay.

Actually, it wasn't mine.

- What? Whose was it?
- What?

Ahem. It was mine.

- What! No way.
- Yeah, yeah. Those were my privates.

- Are you serious? It looked like a pickle.
NICK: I am. Give me my phone.

- I want it back now, I have a dead dad!
JESS: No! It's my...

What is going on here?
And why is Alfredo crying in the elevator?

- Hello, Jew.
- What's up, Nadia?

It's just... There's so much we don't know
about each other...

It's fine, that's it, I'm showing you.

- Showing you my software.
- No, no!

- Hell no!
WOMAN: Whoo!

- Hardware.
- Yeah.

If it run, I catch it.

I mean, I don't wanna see it...
I do, but not, not, not here.

I'm sorry.

It's just, you know, sometimes it feels
like we're just moving so fast...

...and I feel crazy that we're just...

...jumping in blindly.

But maybe that's what makes this special.

It's just a real leap of faith, Shivrang.

Yeah, but look, the first thing
that you need to know about me...

...is that it's actually
pronounced "Shivrang."

I don't know how to pronounce your name?

You were just so pretty
I didn't want to correct you.

The most important thing...

...is that I'm going to do my best to make you
the happiest woman on the face of the earth.

WOMEN:
Aw.

WOMEN:
Aw.

Shavi's getting nasty. Heh, heh.

Shavi a dog.

"Shavi"?

We're friends now. Dead Dad Pass.

Hey.

Look, Cece...

...I just wanted to say that if I was
ever selfish in our relationship...

What do you mean "if"?
And what do you mean "relationship"?

That's fair.

Um, if I was...

...I sincerely apologize.

So challenge unaccepted.
I don't want a plus one.

- I'm really happy for you.
- Thank you.

JESS: Night, Schmidt.
SCHMIDT: Schmidty out.

- Hey. I just wanna say...
- Hey.

...I'm really sorry about...
- No, I'm... I'm sorry.

And there's, uh... There's something
I've been wanting to ask you.

It's not traditional in Indian weddings
to have a maid of honor...

...but I would really love it
if you would be mine.

Yeah, I mean, I don't know... What?!

Yes! Oh, my God,
thank you so much for asking me.

I paid. All yours. No judgments.

- Why'd you come back, Schmidt?
- The Big Guy is...

...well, is still somewhere inside this...

...perfect body.

He needs you to coax him out a little bit.

Please tell him what to do next.

Eat the pizza. Eat all of the pizza.

While I watch. Right now.

Okay.

Oh, it's so greasy.

And so many carbs.

Hey, guy. Oh, boy.

Welcome home, melted cheese.

[SCHMIDT LAUGHS]

I don't even know what pepperoni's made of.

It's so good.

- Is that your happy dance, big boy?
- I love it.

Oh, there he is.

- Yup.
- There's my Big Guy.

It's like I'm waking up
from a bad salad dream.

Big Guy in the house.