New Girl (2011–2018): Season 2, Episode 19 - Quick Hardening Caulk - full transcript
Jess comes to a conclusion about her romantic feelings for Nick and she struggles to tell him - until she's hopped up on pain medication. But after admitting her feelings, she finds out he may have been keeping something from her. Meanwhile, Schmidt becomes obsessed with buying a fish, which Winston sees as a metaphor for Schmidt's unresolved feelings toward Cece and Nick plans a bar promotion to impress the bar owner (guest star Odette Annable).
[THE CARS' "YOU MIGHT THINK"
PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS]
- Ah. Three more, Cocktail Johnny.
- Schmidt, that is melon-flavored liquor.
It's four-proof. Okay?
That's safe to drink while you're pregnant.
- Melon balls.
WINSTON: Schmidt...
...no matter how much you get drunk,
Cece's still gonna be engaged.
- You're down about it...
- I'm not down about Cece.
- This is a mess.
- There are plenty of things to be down about.
The air pollution in China, the deficit...
...The Hobbit wasn't good. If I wanted
dwarves in a real-time dinner scene...
...I would have gone to Koreatown.
Booyah, ball me.
- Ball you?
- Ball me!
What are you...? Ugh.
- How do you get these toppy things off?
- You look like a lab rat.
You know what?
I'm adding that to your bill.
[WINSTON CHUCKLING]
- What the hell is this?
- What?
- You're giving us a check?
- No more free drinks.
- I didn't know you had these.
- Take my money. Get out of my room.
You guys.
Show a little respect. This is my job.
- I saw you pee in the register.
- Once. You think I was sober for that?
You put a sign out that said,
"Take a drink, leave a drink."
It's the only job I have,
and I'm trying to be good.
- It's about time I got a little responsibility.
- Ahem. Responsibility?
I thought of a new promotion.
Like Ladies' Night, but the opposite.
It's Guys' Night. The new manager
loved the idea and if it goes well...
...maybe I could start
moving up in this place.
- What?
- I want him.
I want him bad.
[SINGING] Who's that girl?
CHORUS: Who's that girl?
- It's Jess
JESS:
What is this?
I think Nick being ambitious and driven
about the bar is making me want him more.
- Is that, like, a thing?
- No.
No woman's ever been attracted
to power and success.
It's just, like, I thought it was one kiss
and then it was over.
[NICK GROANS]
Hey, sorry, putting a load in.
Got a shift at the bar.
You know there's a separate compartment
to put the soap in? Heh-heh.
[CHUCKLING]
I didn't know that.
A little soap house.
Anyway, I'm getting this mess cleaned up.
Gotta say, it feels really good.
Any of you guys know where the iron is?
- Get out!
- I wanna iron my button-down.
- Get out, Nick!
- What's happening right now?
- Why are you being so mean?
- Get out!
What is going on with you?
There's a new manager.
That's why I'm making you pay.
You actually care about what he thinks?
- Hey, Shane.
- Hey.
This is Shane, my new manager.
- Oh, got it.
- Really excited to have her here.
We're really getting this place in order.
We're, uh...
[CHUCKLES]
Makes a lot more sense now.
I can't stop thinking
about the other night.
Hope you gave that bar an extra wipe down.
NICK: Heh, yeah.
- You're the opposite of everyone...
...I went to business school with.
Look at you. You're so real.
- Yeah.
- He's incredibly real.
- As real as they get.
- The realest.
- Shut up, both of yourselves.
- You're a mess.
- Yeah.
- I got dirt on my face after we made out.
God, I loved it.
Get back to work.
- You got it.
- Get back to work!
- I'm joking. But seriously, get back to work.
- Yeah. Seriously, get back to work.
I know this isn't gonna end well...
...but the whole middle part's
gonna be awesome. Ha-ha-ha!
- Good for you.
- What?
Schmidt, stop drinking that.
I'm gonna take care of this.
If I feel down, I come here. Love this place.
You know, the sound, the bubbles.
Soothing synth music. If this place doesn't
take your mind off Cece, I don't know, man.
Look at that.
[ARCTIC MONKEYS'
"ONLY ONES WHO KNOW" PLAYS]
So beautiful. Exotic.
Perfect curves.
Giant almond eyes.
Caramel-colored stripes.
Sumptuous lips.
Are you talking about the fish?
Excuse me. You, sir, that works here.
What is this fish?
The one that floats like an angel.
How much?
That is the lovely but elusive
California lionfish.
It's perfect. I must have it.
[SCOFFS]
- Sadly, you can't.
- What do you mean "can't"?
It's illegal. This fish is protected
by the great state of California.
Give me it.
No?
[GRUNTING]
- What are you doing?
- Why can't I have the things I want?
WINSTON: Sorry.
SCHMIDT: Don't look at the fish.
You can't have them!
None are for sale!
Love is a lie. It is.
Love is a lie, love is a lie.
WINSTON:
We're leaving. We're leaving.
[NICK SIGHS]
You've got to be kidding me.
Schmidt, no.
Absolutely not. I don't trust fish.
They breathe water. That's crazy.
WINSTON: Yeah, he's got a whole thing going.
- Schmidt, an aquarium?
When did you become a Bond villain that
couldn't afford not to live with roommates?
- This is where I will keep my lionfish.
- Your lionfish?
A rare beauty. The result of generations
of interracial fish breeding.
Just undulating in that water
with that wry smile...
...perfect round fish breasts.
- Pull it together.
- What is this hat?
- They say it'd be impossible.
But I'll get it. She will be mine,
and we will create a life together.
- We're not talking about fish here.
- We're clearly talking about Cece.
- Because he said "fish breasts."
- He said "fish breasts."
I mean, fish don't have boobs.
- Hm?
- Hey, Jess.
That's my name. What's yours?
Kidding, I know it. It's Nick.
You okay?
- Yeah.
- You haven't stopped moving...
...since we've been talking.
- Hm?
- Nice-looking dress. You look good in it.
- Oh, God. Okay.
NICK:
Jess! Jess, wait!
Jess! Jess, would you please wait?
Can I get a ride
to the hardware store?
I wanna throw a punching bag up
at the bar for Guys' Night.
- But my car's not working. Can I get a ride?
- No. Mm-mm. No.
Come on. Can I please have a ride?
Hey, hold on. Don't move, hold on.
- Heh. You got an eyelash.
- Why do you smell so good?
I did laundry.
I smell like a baby in a meadow.
- Look at this.
- What?
My underwear, they're blue now. I think
it's because I put colors in the whites.
Still figuring it out,
but I'm excited about laundry.
- Good job.
- How do you put your underwear back in?
- Just...
- It feels like it's too big to get in.
It's tricky to get it in.
[JESS SIGHS]
- Fine!
- Thank you.
Mind if we stop on the way? I'm thinking
of getting a salad. I wanna eat...
Ugh! God! Nick!
- I'm thinking of taking a vitamin today.
- Oh, God, shut up!
[NICK GRUNTING]
It's good.
[GRUNTING]
WOMAN:
Yeah. Yank that chain.
Yank it.
Huh. I feel like Russell Crowe
in every movie he's ever done.
- All right, Nick, um, we have to go.
NICK: We just got here.
We have tons of stuff we need to get.
- Let me see what we have left.
- A whole bunch of stuff.
Long-shafted drive drill?
- New nut wrench?
- Our old nut wrench is bad.
- Quick hardening caulk...
- Don't want to wait forever for caulk to harden.
Lube for drill shaft.
- Could we get a box of gummy sharks?
- Ugh.
Just remember, you caught him pleasuring
himself to a mail-order steak catalog.
NICK: Hey, Jess, I need the cart.
- Ugh!
Look what I found.
Look at this big old pipe.
NICK: Oh!
JESS: Unh!
Check it out.
I got you a clownfish.
I don't want some janky
freshwater bitch fish, Winston.
- I want a lionfish.
- Let's cut through the crap, okay, Schmidt?
- We both know what you really want is Cece.
- Cece the woman?
- Yeah.
- You can't put a woman in a fish tank, Winston.
That doesn't make any sense. If there was one
thing that stood between you and happiness...
...don't you think I'd help you?
- No matter how stupid it was?
- You're right, Schmidt.
If I was doing something stupid,
you'd be involved.
You're damn right I would be. And I would
probably be there to make it even stupider.
Now, I'm going to walk out that door, and
I'm gonna pursue the object of my dreams.
If you don't wanna join me,
I'll carry that weight alone.
I'm in. Let's get you a lionfish.
Where do we start?
- Start at the source.
- The ocean?
That's an even better idea.
[DOOR OPENS]
Hey, Jess, I got some hot soup.
- I feel good.
- Good.
Jessy feel good!
Mm.
I like to say words with my mouth.
Your jaw is super bruised,
so you need to get some rest.
But you have some fun pain meds.
Right?
- I like you.
- I like you too, Jess.
- And I like your little bubble-belly.
- Ho-ho. Thank you.
It blows up like a bubble.
That's what it does.
- I wanna have sex with you!
- Okay.
- I wanna have sex with you!
- Do you know what you're saying right now?
Yeah. Heh.
- Are you sure?
- I wanna have sex with you.
Sexy time for you, says me.
You are a beautiful white man, Nick Miller.
- Okay. Heh. Yeah. Heh-heh.
- [IN OLD-TIMEY VOICE] Read all about it.
- I'm Judy Garland.
- Yeah, so it's the pills. This is nonsense.
Whoa! Jess, hey, hey, hey.
No, no, no.
- Don't do this right now.
- I'm Judy Garland.
[IN OLD-TIMEY VOICE]
Judy, let's get you to bed, doll.
[IN NORMAL VOICE] Whoa! Whoa!
You are way too drugged up for this.
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
This little piggy went to market.
That little piggy can't be touched
by you now.
This little piggy went... Aah!
This little piggy went to market!
[NICK SCREAMING]
It's hot! I put my hand in the hot soup!
Ow! Aah!
[NICK GRUNTING]
Hey, Nick. Will you be a doll
and get me some mustard?
NICK:
Ow! Aah!
SCHMIDT: That is not flattering on you.
You're a lumpy man.
- Are you calling my phone? I can't find it.
- I'm calling it now.
[PHONE BUZZING]
Are you kidding me?
Damn it, Winston. It took me 20 minutes
to fit this thing over your hips.
WINSTON: Careful.
SCHMIDT: Your waist is so weird.
- That's my ass cheek. Schmidt!
- I'm getting your phone.
Stop saying, "That's my ass cheek,"
and stop touching his butt!
- Look at that shiner.
SCHMIDT: Not cool!
Somebody messes with my boy,
that means we mean business!
We doing this? Let's do this.
Are we not doing it?
Doesn't feel like you wanna.
Say, hypothetically, a girl says something
to you while she's on painkillers.
That girl says that she might want
to have sexual intercourse with you.
- Tell me we're not talking about Jess.
- You had no idea that's how she felt.
Like, no idea.
You thought the door was closed.
In fact, you thought that door was so
closed that you went out to another door.
But had I known the first door was open,
that's the door I wanted to walk through.
I would've walked through
that door.
SCHMIDT: Could we stop calling it
"walking through a door"?
I feel like it's more like
sliding past a drape.
If a girl on painkillers says she wants
to have sex, is that drugs or is that real?
And if so, how do I end it with Shane
before Jess finds out?
I... I... I meant the door.
WINSTON: Ahem.
SCHMIDT: Je...
NICK: Good talking, guys. Good stuff.
- Hey, guys. What happened to your eye?
- You smashed me in the face, remember?
- That's funny.
- Seriously, what happened?
SCHMIDT: Is your jaw okay?
You know what?
I can't even feel it.
The doctor's got me so goofy
on these painkillers.
It's like it never happened.
[WHISPERING]
"It's like it never happened."
- But I sure got a chin-shiner.
SCHMIDT: Ha!
WINSTON: Yeah, you do.
- Right?
- So I'll see you at Guys' Night?
- No, no.
- You should rest.
- Yeah, girl, you gotta protect that face.
For real, you should stay home and rest.
That's so sweet. Thanks, guys.
What are we doing out here?
We've been standing in the ocean for two
hours trying to steal an illegal fish.
I don't know why
you want that damn fish so bad.
But what I do know
is it's gonna make you happy.
And that's all I care about.
I shaved your shoulders
after you got that scoop-neck sweater.
Appreciate it. I'd do the same to find
whatever it is that makes you happy.
If you wanna lose that last 55 pounds,
I'll help you.
- I don't got 50 pounds to lose.
- It's evident in this outfit.
- Right there, I see something.
- Lionfish! Son of a...!
Aah!
- What the...?
- Jellyfish! Jellyfish!
- Schmidt, what do I do?
- Jellyfish!
- Aah! It got me! It got me, Winston!
- What do I do? What do I do?
- It burns! It burns!
- Okay!
- What do I do?
- Pee on my face.
- What?
- You pee on my face.
- I can't.
- It'll sterilize the wound!
- I can't pee on your face.
- I thought you were with me to the end.
- I peed in the ocean, I'm all out.
- Peed in the ocean?
- Yeah, look...
- Disgusting!
Look, I know this is a dumb question...
...but will number two help?
- What?
[CROWD YELLING]
[MÖTLEY CRÜE'S "SMOKIN' IN THE BOYS
ROOM" PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS]
Free beers and Gorilla Bowl nachos.
That'll be two dozen dollars, boys.
I didn't realize we could make a $22
profit on nachos. Guys' Night is genius.
Right? Hey, uh, look. Uh...
I think you're great, I just, uh...
I can't keep...
Smokin' in the boys' room
I can't keep running to get cheese
every time somebody orders nachos.
- I love how worked up you get over cheese.
- Get down there. Run.
[CHUCKLES]
Ooh.
Who do I have to do around here
to get a bucket of nachos?
- Right here! How you doing?
- I wasn't serious.
- Wendell, hi.
- Gentlemen.
- Really literal vibe around here.
- What are you doing?
- This morning you said you weren't coming.
- I don't remember this morning.
- I would never miss this. I'm so proud of you.
- Give me a free beer.
- You guys went through those?
- Wait.
- Three more free beers.
- Guys' Night is "men drink for free"?
- Yeah, it's Guys' Night.
- Oh.
You know, I...
It's not a really good idea.
You know, because women won't show up.
And, you know?
- He's our little idea man. So full of ideas.
- Hey. Heh.
- Did she just slap your ass?
- She's like, uh... She's my boss.
Kind of like the coach.
We're a team here.
We all slap each other's butts
all the time. Keep up the good work!
[SLAPS]
Why don't you get us some ice, Big Bob?
Just slap my butt, Big Bob.
Show me some butt love, fire me up.
- Some butt love?
- I'll take a slice of that.
NICK:
You got right in there. Hey, hey...
Oh, Shane, Shane, Shane...
Wait. Is she...?
- No.
- Uh, yeah.
- Are you...?
- Yeah, we're sleeping together. So what?
We're all sleeping together.
Big Bob is...
- I'm sorry.
- Why...? I mean, why are you sorry?
You're a free man.
You're just getting some stank on it.
Did you really just say that to me
in my own bar?
- Who is this?
- Yeah, Nick, who am I?
Shane, this is Jess.
- She's my, uh... Yeah.
- Yeah?
NICK:
Yeah. Mm-hm.
My room-friend?
I'm your room-friend, Nick?
- Jess, don't...
- I'm sleeping with Nick too.
You don't have to do this, Bob.
I have to go.
Big Bob, that was really sweet.
Thank you, Bob. Jess, wait!
- Hey.
WINSTON: What are you doing here?
He left a voice-mail from the ambulance.
He was rambling, but I brought him this.
- Where'd you get that?
- A perk of being a model.
You get to meet sketchy people.
The guy who got me this also said
he could get me a box of dolphin steaks...
...or a mostly white baby.
- Good to know.
How's he doing?
Uh...
Hey, listen, I think it might be good for
him if you just gave him some space.
- Space?
- Eh...
Cece, you're getting married.
It's killing him.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
- Um, just tell him I came by. Or not.
- Mm-hm. Mm-hm.
[MOANS]
WINSTON: He's waking up. You should go.
- Okay.
[SCHMIDT MUTTERING]
- Winston.
- Hm?
I just realized something.
It was never about a fish.
It was a metaphor.
- It was about Cece.
- Mm.
Don't feel bad about not seeing it.
It was subtle as hell.
My God, is that a lionfish?
Where did that come from?
The li...? The lionfish? You.
Came from you. When the paramedics came,
you had it in your hand.
They were like, "You can't get one of these."
And I was like, "He caught it and..."
You did it. Heh-heh.
Hello, Fish Cece.
We're gonna put you back in the sea.
I'm sorry, what?
I don't know if it was the jellyfish's
venom or the paramedic's urine...
...but it made me realize...
...she's not mine to keep.
She belongs out there,
in the great wide-open ocean.
- Uh, Schmidt, that don't go to the ocean.
- What are you, the city planner?
Hi.
- Well, I've got some explaining to do.
- Shut up.
I'm really happy her name is Shane.
- Mm.
- Who's next? Cody?
[LAUGHS]
Tex? The sheriff?
Hey, Jess.
Last night, when you were on pills...
...you said you want me.
- Shut up.
You put your hand in my pocket and said,
"This piggy wants to go to market."
Shut up, Nick.
If it's something you were just saying, fine.
We'll move on and not talk.
But it is something that I've thought about.
You were never clear...
...so that there were other options.
This piggy ran to different markets,
but he didn't know.
- What are you talking about?
- You wanna have sex with me, yes or no?
Yes!
No. Yes. I mean, I did.
But that was before I knew
that you were doing all that for your boss.
Forget the boss!
Okay, well, I just... I thought it was nice
to see you actually trying at something.
- So...
- That's why you were more attracted to me?
- Wait a second! That's why?
- It was attractive that you were trying.
- You're a freaking gold-digger, Jess.
- What?
- That's what you just said.
- If I were a gold-digger...
...do you think I'd be interested in you? I
would be the worst gold-digger in the world!
- You're a frigging gold-digger.
- No, I'm not.
- I'm disappointed.
- Shut up.
I'm not a gold-digger.
Then prove it.
[BOTH MOAN]
- Ow! My jaw!
- What?
- Then move your damn head.
- Then kiss me like a man.
- Oh! Damn it!
- What's wrong with your hand?
- I burnt it in your damn soup!
- Who burns their hand in soup?
- I do!
- You're a mess!
You are so annoying
with your little shorts!
- Why are you so angry all the time?
- Just shut up!
Shut up and take off your
clothes right now. I mean it.
Ha! You're just chaotic,
everywhere you go.
Stop talking! This is not the time to talk!
That is the stupidest thing...
Oh...
I'm gonna grab some paper towels.
An aquarium the size
of a sixth grader just broke...
...and you're grabbing paper towels?
- Yes, I'm getting paper towels.
- What are you thinking?
- You know what? I'm out.
- You don't wanna clean it!
- That's not what it is!
I do not wanna be told what to do.
That's it. I'm out!
JESS:
Please.
[DOORS SLAM]
[DOORS OPEN]
NICK: This is a bad idea!
JESS: You piss me off!
[DOORS SLAM]
SCHMIDT: I know you're going out
into the ocean, lionfish.
If I ever see you again, then, well...
And should you meet a charming,
physically fit...
...I don't know, whatever kind of fish
gefilte fish come from...
...treat him well.
Careful.
You gotta be kidding me.
Stay alive! Stay alive!
Cece!
PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS]
- Ah. Three more, Cocktail Johnny.
- Schmidt, that is melon-flavored liquor.
It's four-proof. Okay?
That's safe to drink while you're pregnant.
- Melon balls.
WINSTON: Schmidt...
...no matter how much you get drunk,
Cece's still gonna be engaged.
- You're down about it...
- I'm not down about Cece.
- This is a mess.
- There are plenty of things to be down about.
The air pollution in China, the deficit...
...The Hobbit wasn't good. If I wanted
dwarves in a real-time dinner scene...
...I would have gone to Koreatown.
Booyah, ball me.
- Ball you?
- Ball me!
What are you...? Ugh.
- How do you get these toppy things off?
- You look like a lab rat.
You know what?
I'm adding that to your bill.
[WINSTON CHUCKLING]
- What the hell is this?
- What?
- You're giving us a check?
- No more free drinks.
- I didn't know you had these.
- Take my money. Get out of my room.
You guys.
Show a little respect. This is my job.
- I saw you pee in the register.
- Once. You think I was sober for that?
You put a sign out that said,
"Take a drink, leave a drink."
It's the only job I have,
and I'm trying to be good.
- It's about time I got a little responsibility.
- Ahem. Responsibility?
I thought of a new promotion.
Like Ladies' Night, but the opposite.
It's Guys' Night. The new manager
loved the idea and if it goes well...
...maybe I could start
moving up in this place.
- What?
- I want him.
I want him bad.
[SINGING] Who's that girl?
CHORUS: Who's that girl?
- It's Jess
JESS:
What is this?
I think Nick being ambitious and driven
about the bar is making me want him more.
- Is that, like, a thing?
- No.
No woman's ever been attracted
to power and success.
It's just, like, I thought it was one kiss
and then it was over.
[NICK GROANS]
Hey, sorry, putting a load in.
Got a shift at the bar.
You know there's a separate compartment
to put the soap in? Heh-heh.
[CHUCKLING]
I didn't know that.
A little soap house.
Anyway, I'm getting this mess cleaned up.
Gotta say, it feels really good.
Any of you guys know where the iron is?
- Get out!
- I wanna iron my button-down.
- Get out, Nick!
- What's happening right now?
- Why are you being so mean?
- Get out!
What is going on with you?
There's a new manager.
That's why I'm making you pay.
You actually care about what he thinks?
- Hey, Shane.
- Hey.
This is Shane, my new manager.
- Oh, got it.
- Really excited to have her here.
We're really getting this place in order.
We're, uh...
[CHUCKLES]
Makes a lot more sense now.
I can't stop thinking
about the other night.
Hope you gave that bar an extra wipe down.
NICK: Heh, yeah.
- You're the opposite of everyone...
...I went to business school with.
Look at you. You're so real.
- Yeah.
- He's incredibly real.
- As real as they get.
- The realest.
- Shut up, both of yourselves.
- You're a mess.
- Yeah.
- I got dirt on my face after we made out.
God, I loved it.
Get back to work.
- You got it.
- Get back to work!
- I'm joking. But seriously, get back to work.
- Yeah. Seriously, get back to work.
I know this isn't gonna end well...
...but the whole middle part's
gonna be awesome. Ha-ha-ha!
- Good for you.
- What?
Schmidt, stop drinking that.
I'm gonna take care of this.
If I feel down, I come here. Love this place.
You know, the sound, the bubbles.
Soothing synth music. If this place doesn't
take your mind off Cece, I don't know, man.
Look at that.
[ARCTIC MONKEYS'
"ONLY ONES WHO KNOW" PLAYS]
So beautiful. Exotic.
Perfect curves.
Giant almond eyes.
Caramel-colored stripes.
Sumptuous lips.
Are you talking about the fish?
Excuse me. You, sir, that works here.
What is this fish?
The one that floats like an angel.
How much?
That is the lovely but elusive
California lionfish.
It's perfect. I must have it.
[SCOFFS]
- Sadly, you can't.
- What do you mean "can't"?
It's illegal. This fish is protected
by the great state of California.
Give me it.
No?
[GRUNTING]
- What are you doing?
- Why can't I have the things I want?
WINSTON: Sorry.
SCHMIDT: Don't look at the fish.
You can't have them!
None are for sale!
Love is a lie. It is.
Love is a lie, love is a lie.
WINSTON:
We're leaving. We're leaving.
[NICK SIGHS]
You've got to be kidding me.
Schmidt, no.
Absolutely not. I don't trust fish.
They breathe water. That's crazy.
WINSTON: Yeah, he's got a whole thing going.
- Schmidt, an aquarium?
When did you become a Bond villain that
couldn't afford not to live with roommates?
- This is where I will keep my lionfish.
- Your lionfish?
A rare beauty. The result of generations
of interracial fish breeding.
Just undulating in that water
with that wry smile...
...perfect round fish breasts.
- Pull it together.
- What is this hat?
- They say it'd be impossible.
But I'll get it. She will be mine,
and we will create a life together.
- We're not talking about fish here.
- We're clearly talking about Cece.
- Because he said "fish breasts."
- He said "fish breasts."
I mean, fish don't have boobs.
- Hm?
- Hey, Jess.
That's my name. What's yours?
Kidding, I know it. It's Nick.
You okay?
- Yeah.
- You haven't stopped moving...
...since we've been talking.
- Hm?
- Nice-looking dress. You look good in it.
- Oh, God. Okay.
NICK:
Jess! Jess, wait!
Jess! Jess, would you please wait?
Can I get a ride
to the hardware store?
I wanna throw a punching bag up
at the bar for Guys' Night.
- But my car's not working. Can I get a ride?
- No. Mm-mm. No.
Come on. Can I please have a ride?
Hey, hold on. Don't move, hold on.
- Heh. You got an eyelash.
- Why do you smell so good?
I did laundry.
I smell like a baby in a meadow.
- Look at this.
- What?
My underwear, they're blue now. I think
it's because I put colors in the whites.
Still figuring it out,
but I'm excited about laundry.
- Good job.
- How do you put your underwear back in?
- Just...
- It feels like it's too big to get in.
It's tricky to get it in.
[JESS SIGHS]
- Fine!
- Thank you.
Mind if we stop on the way? I'm thinking
of getting a salad. I wanna eat...
Ugh! God! Nick!
- I'm thinking of taking a vitamin today.
- Oh, God, shut up!
[NICK GRUNTING]
It's good.
[GRUNTING]
WOMAN:
Yeah. Yank that chain.
Yank it.
Huh. I feel like Russell Crowe
in every movie he's ever done.
- All right, Nick, um, we have to go.
NICK: We just got here.
We have tons of stuff we need to get.
- Let me see what we have left.
- A whole bunch of stuff.
Long-shafted drive drill?
- New nut wrench?
- Our old nut wrench is bad.
- Quick hardening caulk...
- Don't want to wait forever for caulk to harden.
Lube for drill shaft.
- Could we get a box of gummy sharks?
- Ugh.
Just remember, you caught him pleasuring
himself to a mail-order steak catalog.
NICK: Hey, Jess, I need the cart.
- Ugh!
Look what I found.
Look at this big old pipe.
NICK: Oh!
JESS: Unh!
Check it out.
I got you a clownfish.
I don't want some janky
freshwater bitch fish, Winston.
- I want a lionfish.
- Let's cut through the crap, okay, Schmidt?
- We both know what you really want is Cece.
- Cece the woman?
- Yeah.
- You can't put a woman in a fish tank, Winston.
That doesn't make any sense. If there was one
thing that stood between you and happiness...
...don't you think I'd help you?
- No matter how stupid it was?
- You're right, Schmidt.
If I was doing something stupid,
you'd be involved.
You're damn right I would be. And I would
probably be there to make it even stupider.
Now, I'm going to walk out that door, and
I'm gonna pursue the object of my dreams.
If you don't wanna join me,
I'll carry that weight alone.
I'm in. Let's get you a lionfish.
Where do we start?
- Start at the source.
- The ocean?
That's an even better idea.
[DOOR OPENS]
Hey, Jess, I got some hot soup.
- I feel good.
- Good.
Jessy feel good!
Mm.
I like to say words with my mouth.
Your jaw is super bruised,
so you need to get some rest.
But you have some fun pain meds.
Right?
- I like you.
- I like you too, Jess.
- And I like your little bubble-belly.
- Ho-ho. Thank you.
It blows up like a bubble.
That's what it does.
- I wanna have sex with you!
- Okay.
- I wanna have sex with you!
- Do you know what you're saying right now?
Yeah. Heh.
- Are you sure?
- I wanna have sex with you.
Sexy time for you, says me.
You are a beautiful white man, Nick Miller.
- Okay. Heh. Yeah. Heh-heh.
- [IN OLD-TIMEY VOICE] Read all about it.
- I'm Judy Garland.
- Yeah, so it's the pills. This is nonsense.
Whoa! Jess, hey, hey, hey.
No, no, no.
- Don't do this right now.
- I'm Judy Garland.
[IN OLD-TIMEY VOICE]
Judy, let's get you to bed, doll.
[IN NORMAL VOICE] Whoa! Whoa!
You are way too drugged up for this.
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
This little piggy went to market.
That little piggy can't be touched
by you now.
This little piggy went... Aah!
This little piggy went to market!
[NICK SCREAMING]
It's hot! I put my hand in the hot soup!
Ow! Aah!
[NICK GRUNTING]
Hey, Nick. Will you be a doll
and get me some mustard?
NICK:
Ow! Aah!
SCHMIDT: That is not flattering on you.
You're a lumpy man.
- Are you calling my phone? I can't find it.
- I'm calling it now.
[PHONE BUZZING]
Are you kidding me?
Damn it, Winston. It took me 20 minutes
to fit this thing over your hips.
WINSTON: Careful.
SCHMIDT: Your waist is so weird.
- That's my ass cheek. Schmidt!
- I'm getting your phone.
Stop saying, "That's my ass cheek,"
and stop touching his butt!
- Look at that shiner.
SCHMIDT: Not cool!
Somebody messes with my boy,
that means we mean business!
We doing this? Let's do this.
Are we not doing it?
Doesn't feel like you wanna.
Say, hypothetically, a girl says something
to you while she's on painkillers.
That girl says that she might want
to have sexual intercourse with you.
- Tell me we're not talking about Jess.
- You had no idea that's how she felt.
Like, no idea.
You thought the door was closed.
In fact, you thought that door was so
closed that you went out to another door.
But had I known the first door was open,
that's the door I wanted to walk through.
I would've walked through
that door.
SCHMIDT: Could we stop calling it
"walking through a door"?
I feel like it's more like
sliding past a drape.
If a girl on painkillers says she wants
to have sex, is that drugs or is that real?
And if so, how do I end it with Shane
before Jess finds out?
I... I... I meant the door.
WINSTON: Ahem.
SCHMIDT: Je...
NICK: Good talking, guys. Good stuff.
- Hey, guys. What happened to your eye?
- You smashed me in the face, remember?
- That's funny.
- Seriously, what happened?
SCHMIDT: Is your jaw okay?
You know what?
I can't even feel it.
The doctor's got me so goofy
on these painkillers.
It's like it never happened.
[WHISPERING]
"It's like it never happened."
- But I sure got a chin-shiner.
SCHMIDT: Ha!
WINSTON: Yeah, you do.
- Right?
- So I'll see you at Guys' Night?
- No, no.
- You should rest.
- Yeah, girl, you gotta protect that face.
For real, you should stay home and rest.
That's so sweet. Thanks, guys.
What are we doing out here?
We've been standing in the ocean for two
hours trying to steal an illegal fish.
I don't know why
you want that damn fish so bad.
But what I do know
is it's gonna make you happy.
And that's all I care about.
I shaved your shoulders
after you got that scoop-neck sweater.
Appreciate it. I'd do the same to find
whatever it is that makes you happy.
If you wanna lose that last 55 pounds,
I'll help you.
- I don't got 50 pounds to lose.
- It's evident in this outfit.
- Right there, I see something.
- Lionfish! Son of a...!
Aah!
- What the...?
- Jellyfish! Jellyfish!
- Schmidt, what do I do?
- Jellyfish!
- Aah! It got me! It got me, Winston!
- What do I do? What do I do?
- It burns! It burns!
- Okay!
- What do I do?
- Pee on my face.
- What?
- You pee on my face.
- I can't.
- It'll sterilize the wound!
- I can't pee on your face.
- I thought you were with me to the end.
- I peed in the ocean, I'm all out.
- Peed in the ocean?
- Yeah, look...
- Disgusting!
Look, I know this is a dumb question...
...but will number two help?
- What?
[CROWD YELLING]
[MÖTLEY CRÜE'S "SMOKIN' IN THE BOYS
ROOM" PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS]
Free beers and Gorilla Bowl nachos.
That'll be two dozen dollars, boys.
I didn't realize we could make a $22
profit on nachos. Guys' Night is genius.
Right? Hey, uh, look. Uh...
I think you're great, I just, uh...
I can't keep...
Smokin' in the boys' room
I can't keep running to get cheese
every time somebody orders nachos.
- I love how worked up you get over cheese.
- Get down there. Run.
[CHUCKLES]
Ooh.
Who do I have to do around here
to get a bucket of nachos?
- Right here! How you doing?
- I wasn't serious.
- Wendell, hi.
- Gentlemen.
- Really literal vibe around here.
- What are you doing?
- This morning you said you weren't coming.
- I don't remember this morning.
- I would never miss this. I'm so proud of you.
- Give me a free beer.
- You guys went through those?
- Wait.
- Three more free beers.
- Guys' Night is "men drink for free"?
- Yeah, it's Guys' Night.
- Oh.
You know, I...
It's not a really good idea.
You know, because women won't show up.
And, you know?
- He's our little idea man. So full of ideas.
- Hey. Heh.
- Did she just slap your ass?
- She's like, uh... She's my boss.
Kind of like the coach.
We're a team here.
We all slap each other's butts
all the time. Keep up the good work!
[SLAPS]
Why don't you get us some ice, Big Bob?
Just slap my butt, Big Bob.
Show me some butt love, fire me up.
- Some butt love?
- I'll take a slice of that.
NICK:
You got right in there. Hey, hey...
Oh, Shane, Shane, Shane...
Wait. Is she...?
- No.
- Uh, yeah.
- Are you...?
- Yeah, we're sleeping together. So what?
We're all sleeping together.
Big Bob is...
- I'm sorry.
- Why...? I mean, why are you sorry?
You're a free man.
You're just getting some stank on it.
Did you really just say that to me
in my own bar?
- Who is this?
- Yeah, Nick, who am I?
Shane, this is Jess.
- She's my, uh... Yeah.
- Yeah?
NICK:
Yeah. Mm-hm.
My room-friend?
I'm your room-friend, Nick?
- Jess, don't...
- I'm sleeping with Nick too.
You don't have to do this, Bob.
I have to go.
Big Bob, that was really sweet.
Thank you, Bob. Jess, wait!
- Hey.
WINSTON: What are you doing here?
He left a voice-mail from the ambulance.
He was rambling, but I brought him this.
- Where'd you get that?
- A perk of being a model.
You get to meet sketchy people.
The guy who got me this also said
he could get me a box of dolphin steaks...
...or a mostly white baby.
- Good to know.
How's he doing?
Uh...
Hey, listen, I think it might be good for
him if you just gave him some space.
- Space?
- Eh...
Cece, you're getting married.
It's killing him.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
- Um, just tell him I came by. Or not.
- Mm-hm. Mm-hm.
[MOANS]
WINSTON: He's waking up. You should go.
- Okay.
[SCHMIDT MUTTERING]
- Winston.
- Hm?
I just realized something.
It was never about a fish.
It was a metaphor.
- It was about Cece.
- Mm.
Don't feel bad about not seeing it.
It was subtle as hell.
My God, is that a lionfish?
Where did that come from?
The li...? The lionfish? You.
Came from you. When the paramedics came,
you had it in your hand.
They were like, "You can't get one of these."
And I was like, "He caught it and..."
You did it. Heh-heh.
Hello, Fish Cece.
We're gonna put you back in the sea.
I'm sorry, what?
I don't know if it was the jellyfish's
venom or the paramedic's urine...
...but it made me realize...
...she's not mine to keep.
She belongs out there,
in the great wide-open ocean.
- Uh, Schmidt, that don't go to the ocean.
- What are you, the city planner?
Hi.
- Well, I've got some explaining to do.
- Shut up.
I'm really happy her name is Shane.
- Mm.
- Who's next? Cody?
[LAUGHS]
Tex? The sheriff?
Hey, Jess.
Last night, when you were on pills...
...you said you want me.
- Shut up.
You put your hand in my pocket and said,
"This piggy wants to go to market."
Shut up, Nick.
If it's something you were just saying, fine.
We'll move on and not talk.
But it is something that I've thought about.
You were never clear...
...so that there were other options.
This piggy ran to different markets,
but he didn't know.
- What are you talking about?
- You wanna have sex with me, yes or no?
Yes!
No. Yes. I mean, I did.
But that was before I knew
that you were doing all that for your boss.
Forget the boss!
Okay, well, I just... I thought it was nice
to see you actually trying at something.
- So...
- That's why you were more attracted to me?
- Wait a second! That's why?
- It was attractive that you were trying.
- You're a freaking gold-digger, Jess.
- What?
- That's what you just said.
- If I were a gold-digger...
...do you think I'd be interested in you? I
would be the worst gold-digger in the world!
- You're a frigging gold-digger.
- No, I'm not.
- I'm disappointed.
- Shut up.
I'm not a gold-digger.
Then prove it.
[BOTH MOAN]
- Ow! My jaw!
- What?
- Then move your damn head.
- Then kiss me like a man.
- Oh! Damn it!
- What's wrong with your hand?
- I burnt it in your damn soup!
- Who burns their hand in soup?
- I do!
- You're a mess!
You are so annoying
with your little shorts!
- Why are you so angry all the time?
- Just shut up!
Shut up and take off your
clothes right now. I mean it.
Ha! You're just chaotic,
everywhere you go.
Stop talking! This is not the time to talk!
That is the stupidest thing...
Oh...
I'm gonna grab some paper towels.
An aquarium the size
of a sixth grader just broke...
...and you're grabbing paper towels?
- Yes, I'm getting paper towels.
- What are you thinking?
- You know what? I'm out.
- You don't wanna clean it!
- That's not what it is!
I do not wanna be told what to do.
That's it. I'm out!
JESS:
Please.
[DOORS SLAM]
[DOORS OPEN]
NICK: This is a bad idea!
JESS: You piss me off!
[DOORS SLAM]
SCHMIDT: I know you're going out
into the ocean, lionfish.
If I ever see you again, then, well...
And should you meet a charming,
physically fit...
...I don't know, whatever kind of fish
gefilte fish come from...
...treat him well.
Careful.
You gotta be kidding me.
Stay alive! Stay alive!
Cece!