New Girl (2011–2018): Season 2, Episode 18 - Tinfinity - full transcript

This month marks Nick and
my ten-year anniversary of living together.

Our "tin" anniversary.

Ten years?
You guys are like Bert and Ernie.

- I got dibs on Bert. Yeah, man.
- Dibs on Ernie. Cool, man.

Obviously, we are going to have
an anniversary party. You guys are invited.

I'm not coming to that, man.
Remember the "wood" anniversary?

BOTH: Aah!
- You cut me!

Well, happy anniversary.

- I've gotta get a tourniquet.
- Hold some more wood for me.

Yeah. It wasn't as bad as "paper."

[SNORING]



- Happy anniversary! Paper.
- Aah!

Party time, man.

Did you know that
the chemical symbol for tin is Sn?

- "Schmidt, Nick."
- What?

- Is no one else's mind blown by this?
- That's it. Our theme is TinFinity.

- TinFinity. That's actually really good, Schmidt.
- Yeah, it is.

I really don't think two men who
live together 10 years need a party.

- Why must you always be like this?
- You never let me participate in planning.

I would love for you to participate.

That was a trick,
I was trying to get out of it.

[SINGING] Who's that girl?

CHORUS: Who's that girl?
- Who's that girl?

CHORUS: Who's that girl?
- It's Jess

They're celebrating
ten years of living together?



Why are we friends with these guys?
What happened?

It's so weird to think that Nick
is the last person I kissed.

Actually,
Schmidt's the last person I kissed.

- Okay, what?
- It was nothing. Nick was watching.

What is happening in this loft?

- Ooh. Girls chat.
- Hey, Nick.

I wish I knew what was
going on inside Nick's head.

- He's, like, grumpy mystery.
- Are these open for anybody?

- Yep.
- Right on, thank you.

Can't communicate feelings to save his life.
But why can't I stop thinking...

...about his mouth on my mouth?

Hey, Jess, do I have frosting on my lips?

- Look at my mouth, do I have frosting on it?
- Ugh. Why are you asking me this?

My mouth feels moist and weird.
Is anything on it?

- Get out of here!
- Uch. Oh.

Okay, you know what?
You need what I needed. You need a new guy.

Dating Shivrang helped me get past
all the weird stuff with Schmidt.

I need the Anti-Nick. I need a real
man who can express his feelings.

And I need a different mouth on my mouth.
To erase that mouth.

No, you don't need to wash raw denim.
Haven't washed my pants in 18 months.

- Heh.
- Also, I'm bisexual.

Microchips be getting smaller.

They be like blueberry-size so
you could put them in your cereal, girl.

I don't get your thing.

It's prescription.

Damn it.

What happened to the guys in this bar?

They open up a bus station next door?
Where are the real men?

I can't talk now. I'm writing
a strongly-worded e-mail to my florist.

Guys, guys, guys. Don't look at the door.
Don't look at the door.

Look. But don't look. Guys, one at a time.

Don't look now. Look.
No, you're both looking.

- Don't know what to do.
- I'm confused!

Look right now at the door.
Go.

Oh, that is a strapping young man.

That is Jax McTavish.
He plays safety for San Francisco.

Why is he with Winston?
Winston looks so cool.

What up, guys?

- "What's up?" You're gonna say what's up?
- Winston, does he think you're Omar Epps?

You guys talking about Jax?

Look, I interviewed him at the radio
station, and we hit it off. Not a big deal.

- Unless hanging with a pro baller's a big deal.
- His hands are so big and warm.

I want to fall asleep in them
like Thumbelina.

How about introducing me?

[NICK & WINSTON LAUGHING]

SCHMIDT: Yeah, okay. Ha-ha-ha.
- You and Jax? Ha-ha-ha.

- Yeah, Jess and Jax McTavish.
- Great bit, Jess.

What a dumb idea. Ha, ha, ha.

- Do it.
- No.

You can't handle that thunder.

Hell, no. Jax and I
are just becoming friends.

- I'm going over there.
- Jess, no, Jess! Guys.

Hey, Jess, it's right here.

- Hi. I'm Jess, I'm Winston's roommate.
- How you doing? I'm Jax.

JESS: Nice to meet you.
- Stop it.

- Cool, so I hear you play for San Francisco.
- I do.

7.8 tackles, can't believe you
didn't go to the Pro Bowl.

Here's my question. What's a 0.8 tackle?
Ha-ha-ha.

- Did you know I'm a teacher?
- What would you teach me?

SCHMIDT: Nick.
The theme is masculine garden party.

- Look at that, I made a graph.
- I was gonna plan.

Nick, we both know that you're not
very good at party chores.

- You sent out the invitations, right?
- Me?

I sent them out?

Okay, I'm older now. I am wiser.

- I wanna help plan my own party.
- Okay, fine.

- I will give you balloons and Porta-Potties.
- Oh, sweet.

Porta-Potties?
Sounds like a job for babies.

Does that look like a job for babies?

So this is a big job.
Thought you were being disrespectful.

- No.
- No.

- Where will people go to the bathroom?
- Never thought of it.

And you are now
in charge of that.

And if you dig a hole in a dirt field,
I'm gonna kill you.

I don't want the responsibility.

You can do this, man.

What are your chores?

- The whole Porta-Potties.
- Porta-Potties.

- What is the first chore I gave you?
- Absolutely no memory.

Balloons!

I'm having an anxiety attack.

SHIVRANG:
Yes, Ma, yes. Now, look, I have to go.

It's two men celebrating
living together for ten years.

No, they're not. No, I can tell
you for a fact that they're not.

Okay, okay, I'm hanging up.

So good news. Um...

My mum spoke to your mum last night
and they've given us their blessings.

So that means?

Now that the mums approve,
when do you want to do this thing?

Is that, um...

Is that a proposal?

Oh, are you upset? I'm sorry...

With arranged marriage,
there isn't a lot of romance.

No, no, I'm sorry, actually.
I think I'm just a little taken aback...

...by how quick this all has been.

I barely know you
and I used to just think that...

...if I was being proposed to,
I would notice it was happening.

- But we're doing this thing?
- Maybe stop saying "doing this thing."

Yup.

Really did it.

Beautiful job, thank you so much, what a...

This is amazing.
Everything's tin, you guys, everything.

Hey, man, rented out the park,
so take your soccer someplace else.

Give us our ball back,
you douche.

Hey, yeah, sure,
No, I'll give you your ball back. Great.

Uhn. Pure tin. Pure tin.

Take your football back to Europe.

- Really?
- Who's the douche now? You douche-b.

I couldn't stop you
from inviting Jax to the party...

...but I can stop it from going any further.
I will not lose Jax as a friend, okay?

I might not have any game,
but my goodness, can I take game away.

I'm getting that mouth on mine.
Don't stop me.

Look, clearly I have the upper hand
with Jax.

- Do you?
- I do. Because I know about sports.

Jess, you know nothing about sports.

What am I gonna do? I guess I'll just have
to use my eyes, hair, boobs, legs...

...and adorable personality. Ha, ha, ha.

Fool.

I got, like, three of those things.

These are amazing!

You also got tablecloths? I feel so fancy.

- How much did you spend on this, Schmidt?
- Oh, Nicholas.

I have what's called an income, you know?

Well, you're not the only one
who spent a little bit of money on this.

Check this out, Schmidt,
you're gonna freak out.

Hey, I'm presenting it, I'm presenting it.
And that ain't no rental.

Get up here. That is owned and operated
by Mr. Nick Miller. Little help from Sid.

You bought a Porta-Potty?

This one has warm and cold water,
real soap dispensers, a fan.

- Too much. What's that?
- That's garbage.

Garbage, that's what the nursing home
said about my mattress. I'll take it.

For 60 bucks.

They threw in something called
septic enzymes. I don't know what it is.

But you're not supposed to get it in your eyes, for sure.
I'm a small business owner.

Why on Earth would you buy a P...?

- Forget it. I'm proud of you.
- Thank you.

I gave you a chore, you came through.
Now we have two.

- What do you mean? Two what?
- Two bathrooms.

Yours and El Baño Presidente.

- That's a Porta-Potty?
- Luxury toilet.

I thought that was the visitor's center.

That's enormous,
why did you get that, Schmidt?

- Did you think I was gonna screw up?
- No. Come on, man, no.

You know how our relationship works. I'm
over-responsible, you're under-responsible.

Here's the good news:
People have a backup.

I want everyone to use this
as the main potty.

It shouldn't be the main anything.
People would be better off...

...if they made a caca in their hands.
- Mine's better than that.

- I'm sure you killed it on balloons.
- Let me explain what happened...

Didn't want balloons anyway.
This isn't a little girl's party.

- This is a celebration of friendship.
- As a friend, I want you to get rid of that.

- I want everyone using mine.
- You brought a dirt dungeon.

We'll see.

I'm proud of you. You did good.

I'm proud of you, you bought a spaceship.

Hey, man, you watch Homeland?

No? I'm in the first season, second episode.
Don't spoil anything.

Hey, flag on the play. Too many men
on the field, Winston. Get out.

Jax, over here on the bench with me.

- Come on, let me show you some stuff.
- Okay.

[PLAYERS YELLING]

Go, go, Jess, go!

Oh, boy. Uhn!

- Come and get me.
- I'm gonna get you.

- You can't get by me.
- You're down.

Why would you do that?

JESS:
Winston, we're on the same team.

You did it! Touchdown!

[GRUNTING]

WINSTON: No, no, no. Why?
JESS: Ha-ha-ha.

What's going on, Sid?
Did you tell them that ours works?

Hey, guys, this is available, no line.

- That Porta-Potty looks weird, Nick.
- What?

- It looks a little weird.
- You look a little weird, Sanders.

Why don't you wipe your butt
with a little strawberry crap, you whiner?

- I don't really do well with bathroom pressure.
- Don't dog me like this.

- I'm gonna give you your space.
- No, they're all following you, Robby. They...

- Get in there.
- I don't have to go anymore.

- Really? So that's not full of pee?
- Yeah.

- No.
- I saw you drinking those sodas.

- No, no, it's good, stop. You'll make me...
- How about now? Ha-ha-ha.

- I don't have to go.
- Then get in there, dude.

Or get out of this party.

- Wrong choice.
- Nick.

- What are you doing?
- I bought a Porta-Potty.

- What? Why?
- Small business owner.

- You own a Porta-Potty?
- But nobody's using it.

- This is not about a Porta-Potty.
- It is about a Porta-Potty.

- Don't wanna talk about this.
- You know...

...it's been nice hanging out with Jax.
- Mm-hm.

Because he likes to talk
about his feelings.

Is that really what you want?

A man who talks about
his feelings all the time?

No, right?

Do you want me to use your Porta-Potty?

- Yeah, but don't just do it for me.
- I'm definitely doing it for you.

- And just a tip?
- Yeah.

If you want people to use your toilet,
don't camp out in front of it.

- Do me a favor, if you're gonna go in?
- Mm-hm?

- Really sell it, because I want girls to see it.
- Okay.

- Just make a show.
- Okay.

- Thank you. Bye, Jess, thank you.
- Ooh.

Just my style. Nicely vintage.

Can't wait to get inside.
Sure wish I had a good book.

Can't wait!

Oh, this is horrible!

- I get it. You've told me, like, ten times.
- I don't know what that one does.

The instant that the big speech begins,
you initiate toast sequence.

You got that, red? Look, don't mess this up.
Tippy go bye-bye if you mess this up.

- Tippy go bye-bye.
- Okay. Okay, great

- Bite me, you wang.
- What did you say, man?

- Hey, Schmidt. You remember Shivrang.
- Hey.

Shivrang. What is up, my man?
Welcome to America.

Listen, just a little heads up,
we're serving cow meat tacos.

- You mean beef?
- Cow meat, Shivrang.

I'm not crazy, it is beef, right?

Hey, can I just say I like you? A lot.

[CHUCKLES]

I like you too.

A lot? Because I said "a lot."

I knew I felt this way
the moment I met you.

Yes. A guy who can tell me
exactly how he feels.

That's what I want. That is what I want.

It's just... You...

You make me...

- Are you okay?
- I like you a lot.

[JAX MUMBLES]

Yeah, ahem, I'm fine, I mean...

Ahem. You know what else I like?
I like beer. I drink beer.

Because I'm a man and I play football.
You want beer? I'm gonna get a beer.

- Hey.
- Hey, Schmidt.

- There you are. It's almost toast time.
- Okay.

And I made up a few cards.

- Jotted down a few notes, bullet points.
- I'm just gonna do my own toast.

- I know what to say about you.
- At least take a look.

[CHUCKLES]

I worked really hard on these.

"I'm nothing without you.

Thank you for supporting me
during that thing, financially and..."

- This is a full speech.
- Feel free to make it your own.

Why do you think
you're better than me, Schmidt?

- What? What are you talking about?
- Why do you think you're better than me?

Our friendship didn't used to be this way.
Remember college, we were equals?

- Get any last night?
- No.

- You?
- Hell, yeah

- Really? Ha-ha-ha.
- No.

- We're equals!
- Equals!

And then you got that juicer,
which I was excited about.

You were at a dangerous fat level.

Somehow you got skinny and I became
this idiot that you needed to take care of.

Don't resent me for
getting my life together.

- Oh, your life's together?
- Yeah.

You're throwing a party to celebrate living
with your college roommate for ten years.

What are we doing here?
What are we celebrating?

What do you mean, what are we celebra...?
We're celebrating TinFinity!

"Ten years! Two hearts! One home!

Loyalty and great conversation."
It's right here on the cards!

Okay. That ain't right.

Hey, Winston.

Uh-huh. I see you've come to gloat.

Is Jax known for being intense?

Yeah, Jess, he's supposed to be intense.
He's a professional athlete.

He doesn't run. He sprints.

He doesn't jump. He leaps.

And he doesn't like, Jess. He loves.

Hmm.

- Ahem. Hey.
- Hey.

- Hey, look, I'm sorry about thi...
- No, no, no, don't be... Don't be sorry.

The truth is, I just got out of a
relationship that sort of crushed me.

Everybody thinks that pro football players are
big and strong, and I am, it's true, look.

Whoa! Whoa!

This is nothing for me.
I could have 20 of you.

- Never put me down.
- But that means that when I fall, I fall hard.

And yes, sometimes I cry.

I cry too. I cry all the time.

I cry in my bedroom, in the bathroom,
in the hallway, in the elevator.

This morning, I woke up crying.

I have this feeling.

It's like I've known you forever.

I have this feeling too.

Like I want to French you.

I really want to French you.

SHIVRANG [OVER SPEAKERS]: Excuse me.
Can I have your attention, please?

Excuse me?
Could I please have your attention?

Oh, whoa, hello.

I don't know any of you,
but I'm Shivrang, hello.

[QUEEN'S "SAVE ME"
PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

And, oh, there's music now.

Look. Oh.

- What the hell is this?
- Cece, where are you?

- Hey.
- Uninitiate toast sequence. This isn't it.

This song is for Nick and I.

Look, I know I said I wasn't
gonna do some big proposal thing...

...but that being said, I am so excited...

...to spend the rest of
my life with you. So...

Cece...

...do you?

Do you want to do this thing?

[CHUCKLES]

Till I die

[LAUGHS]

- Yes.
- Yes?

- Yeah? You sure?
- Yes. Yes.

[CROWD APPLAUDING AND CHEERING]

Oh, wow.

- This is nuts.
- I didn't do this.

[CROWD CHEERING]

Save me, save me Save me

I'm naked

It's shaped like an infinity sign, because
they're going to be married forever.

The slate will soon be clean

Thank you.

- Thank you.
- Thank you. Thanks.

To start again with somebody new

Hi, I'd like to say something too.

[WHISPERING]
That's Jax McTavish.

I'd like to report a missing item:

My heart.

It was stolen by
that little heart thief right there.

[JESS CLEARS THROAT]

I'm innocent, I didn't... I was framed.

I just want to say in front of God and all
these people at this gorgeous party...

...that I'm in love with you.

No. No.

And I know it's early,
but I think I met the girl...

...that I'm gonna marry.
- Who? Who?

- I'm gonna marry you.
WOMEN: Oh!

We are not on the same page.

I'm gonna marry you,
I'm gonna put a baby in you...

...we're gonna have dogs and cats.

I met my third wife!

NICK:
Schmidty.

Schmidty. Schmidty. Hey.

Schmidt, stop it.

You okay, buddy?

Yeah, no, I'm fine.

I'm just... I'm really annoyed
about the light cues.

Also, our girl-to-guy ratio
is taking a real nosedive and we were...

...two bro-groups away
from being a total wiener fest.

It's disappointing when things don't work
out how you thought, you know?

I do.

Why don't we get out of here for a bit?

Get away from this party stress.

You mean like take a trip together?

No, just walk 40 yards away.

I don't think we need a trip
or anything like that, pal.

- Jess?
- Hey.

Hi! Oh, my God!

So excited for you, let me see it.

Oh, so beautiful.

- Is this good? This is good, right?
- It's good. It's what I wanted.

- Yes! Aah!
- I'm getting married! Aah!

So what are you doing in here?

- I'm hiding.
- Yeah, that guy, he seemed to really like you...

- Yeah.
...when he gave that speech.

He might not be the one.

[JAX SOBBING]

Still thinking about Nick?

- No. Shut up. No.
- All right.

Look at that, man. You did get a balloon.

SCHMIDT:
Yeah, I got a kick-ass hot air balloon.

But it turns out
you need propane to get it in the air.

- Didn't know that?
- How would I?

- You didn't want to do any research?
- How? I was dealing with the Porta-Potty.

[LAUGHING]

It's actually kind of nice. It's peaceful.

Yeah.

Hey, I'm sorry about Cece, man.

I know it sounds kind of cheesy...

...but I always thought I'd be the man
to bone Cece for the rest of her life.

I think we all did, buddy.

To answer your question from before,
this is what we were celebrating.

Yeah, that's right.
This is what we're celebrating.

- Yes. Yes. Please.
- Yeah, right? You're my best friend, man.

Ten years of living together.
Upsetting, but kind of great, man.

- Here's to it.
- Yes.

Not having roommates
is for real losers, you know that?

Mm-hm.

- Equals.
- You said it, man.

- Oh, you are such a Nancy boy.
- Waah! What is in that?

Liquor!

If not for you

Babe, I couldn't find the door

You picked out a song for our first dance?

Yes, I did. I didn't expect you to dance
to it, but I was gonna dance for you.

- Yeah. It's too close quarters for that, Schmidt.
- That is beautiful. Pass the hooch.

Nick's been hogging it all.

Here, have a sip. My mouth's been on it,
it's not a big deal.

It's just my mouth.

I don't... It's okay, I don't want it.

- Come on, have a sip.
- You put your mouth all over it.

You said that, you put your mouth all over
it and I don't wanna think about your mouth.

- You okay?
- I'm fine.

- Where are you going?
- What are you doing?

I don't understand
why we only have one bott...

- I should have my own bottle.
NICK: We wanted to share...

Where are you going?

We're pretty awesome wingmen
for each other.

We're both the guy
girls wanna sleep with...

...and we're both the other guy too.

Neither one of us are Tom Cruise,
or the other one. Both Iceman.

- Yeah, equals!
- Yeah, equals!

- Do you get a lot of girls?
- Oh.

Um... I don't know, yeah.

- Me too.
- I feel like you have a lot of game.

I know what they want sexually.
I'll give it to them.

- I get that from you, I get that vibe.
- You?

I put off a similar vibe...

...but kind of more
on the down-low, you know?

BOTH:
Yeah, equals! Ha-ha-ha.