New Girl (2011–2018): Season 1, Episode 4 - Naked - full transcript

Ooh.

Scary movie.

I hate scary movies.

Why are we watching this?

We're not watching this, Jess.

We're watching it.

So fun, hanging
with the dudes,

eating ice cream,
watching scary movies.

We're not scared; we're dudes.

Shh!

You know what we should watch?



Have you guys ever seen Fame?

It's about a group of dreamers,
with talent to spare

taking New York City by storm,

one dance number
at a time...

the cafeteria,

the street...

Oh! Ooh!

That's so much blood.

It's spurting!

Mmm, that was good.

That guy's gonna blow
himself up.

# Wah, wah. #.

Why would that guy
blow himself up?

Sorry. I saw it
in the theater.



You know what else
we should watch?

An American Tale.

It's about a little Jewish mouse

with a great big heart and a...

All right.

Wait.

Where are you guys going?

# Hey, girl #

# What you doing? #

# Hey, girl #

# Where you going? #

# Who's that girl? #
# Who's that girl? #

# Who's that girl? #

# Who's that girl? #
# It's Jess. #

1x04
- Naked -

Do you know where
you're taking her?

No.

Do you need a list
of my sexiest date spots?

You know, it's been
a while for you.

Want me to stretch you out?

It's not a date, Schmidt.

Actually, I don't know
what it is.

She's, uh... she's
a little hard to read.

Wouldn't it be funny
if we, like, went out? Like...

- Do you want to go on a date?
- Yeah.

We, like, go for dinner,

and, like, the two of us,
like, do stuff.

- Is that a yes?
- I know, right?

- Seriously, do you want to get dinner?
- Right. No, I know.

Sometimes she's so ironic

that I think
she's being serious.

I get it.
Led Zeppelin is classic,

but I mean, it's no, like,
Steve Miller Band.

Steve Miller Band?
"The Joker"?

Oh, yeah. No, I love
The Steve Miller Band.

Hey, look. You've been out
of the game for a while.

I have three date packages.

They work every time.

Package A: Close-up
magic, dinner, drinks.

Package B: Close-up
magic, drinks.

Package C:..

Close-up magic.

You have a date? Fun!

I want to talk to you guys
about this stuff.

With Amanda.

- Schmidt.
- Amanda?

From the bar?

Whoa!

She's a looker.

Hatchie-matchie!

Yeah, I know how hot she is,
Jess.

Have you been out with anyone
since Caroline?

No.

Whoa! Big-deal alert.

Scary stuff, kids.

Yeesh!

Falling rocks. Bridge out.
Duck!

This is why I don't talk to you,
Jess.

Nick, you're gonna be fine.

Don't worry about it.

Just, you know,
suck in the gut.

What gut?

The little pooch where you
keep your extra cookies.

All right.

# Well, you say with this riddim
you have a patch? #

# Yellowman mend it #

# And if you haffi done mend it,
me set it #

# Zungguzungguguzungguzeng #

# Zungguzunggugu-
zungguzeng #

# Seh if yuh have a paper,
yuh must have a pen #

# And if yuh have a start,
yuh must have a end #

# Seh five plus five,
it equal to ten #

# And if yuh have goat... #

I had a lot of adventures
in this room

while you were gone, Winston.

How'd the
job interview go?

You know, terrible.

Did you see the
JWoww retweet

and the Gaga Twitpic?

I know Word,
and I can open a document...

...save it, save as,

print,

print preview...

She just wanted
to chitchat about stuff

I've never even heard of.

Well, you gotta get
up to speed, man.

The chitchat is
the interview.

I've spent the last two years
of my life in Latvia.

I was playing ball
year round.

I didn't read the news.

I have no idea
what happened in America.

I've got interviews tomorrow.

Fill me in. What'd I miss?

From... from the past two years?

Give me the highlights.
Highlights. Okay.

Uh, country's broke.

Betty White's back.

Oh, cool, cool. What about
the rest of the Golden Girls?

All dead, man.

Damn. You know what?
Give me your computer.

I gotta get started, man.
I'm going in.

# Lady Ann a yuh
so take fe toy #

# Playgal all dem call him joy #

# Yuh nuh fe call
Yellowman nuh bwoy #

# Yuh nuh fe call John
John nuh bwoy #

# Yuh nuh fe take I
and I fe bwoy #

# Zungguzungguguzungguzeng,
watch it! #

It is what it is.

# Zungguzungguguzungguzeng... #

Hey, Nick, can you turn down
that music?

# 'Ca Yellowman make yuh
feel so fine #

# Me chat all me lyric,
me chat dem in a rhyme #

# Me nuh eat lime it
full of a rhyme... #

Hey, Nick,
can you...

What...? What are you...?!

Oh, my God!

Look at you.
You're like an animal.

What are you watching now?

The King's Speech
and Human Centipede.

Next up: Precious
and David After Dentist.

I think you're
doing a good job.

Okay, you know
what, test me.

Pretend this is an interview.
Hit me with the chitchat.

Ask me anything.

Chitchat. Let's go.

Forget it, man.
Let's go!

Come on, what are you
waiting for, man?

You're getting
intense right now.

- You're the intense one.
- I think you need to bring it down.

Can I talk to you for a sec?

Something's happened.

It was totally an accident.

Not a big deal.
I just want to do

the mature thing
and come clean about it.

But, um, I accidentally saw
Nick's pee-pee.

- What?
- What'd she say?

I accidentally saw
Nick's pee-pee

and his bubbles.

But it's not a big deal.

Ain't no thing.

Ain't no thaaang.

Oh, Nick, hey.

Hey.

So, that was weird, right?

I'm running out
the door, Jess.

I think we should
talk about it.

Talk about what?

About me seeing...

your peen.

The peen what I saw.

Bonjour, le peen.

You're blocking the door.

Okay. Cool.

Have fun on your date.

Tell that guy to behave.

The adventure begins.

Okay. Excuse me, Jess.

- That was so horrible.
- What am I gonna do?

He's never gonna speak to me
again. I'm so embarrassed.

It's not a big deal.
I've seen Nick's stuff, like, a million times.

You have?

I mean... how?

We grew up together.

Locker rooms,
swimming pools,

penis fights...
it just happens.

Why haven't I seen it?

Why do you want to see it?

He's my best friend.

Again, why do you
want to see it?

What if Nick gets
into an accident?

What if he's
horribly disfigured,

and I have to identify him,

and all that remains
are his private parts?

And I'm standing there
and I'm saying,

"Sorry, Officer,
I can't help you,

because no, I haven't
seen his penis."

And then boom, he's buried
in an unmarked grave.

Again, why do you
want to see it?

- What did it look like?
- What do you mean?

Just say when.

Just sa... serious...

Seriously? Are you se...
Are you serious?

Okay, you know what.
This is impossible.

I'm starting over.

Schmidt, I need your help.

Okay... all right, Jess, fine.

What happened
after you walked in?

I don't know.
I kind of laughed.

Jess, you can't laugh
at a naked man,

especially Nick.

Nick is delicate...

like a flower.

Like a chubby, damaged flower
who hates himself.

Now, listen to me.
You're gonna act

like this never happened.

We live together.

We're a family.

Families talk about things.

No. Families ignore things
until they go away.

Hey, Mom,
hey, Mom, hey, Mom,

I'm a bunny, Mom. Mom!

Mom, Mom, Mom,

I'm a bunny, Mom. Mom!

No one wants to talk
about their feelings, Jess.

Never talk about this again.

Okay. I'll ignore it.

# Not gonna talk about... #

Or sing about it.

The bing-bong. I'm done.

This is my... my chambre.

What does that mean?

You're a good kisser.

Can we, can we be serious?

Do you mind just
being serious?

I'm gonna get serious...
on your face.

I have no idea what that means.

Actually, let's not laugh
when you're near my penis.

Take it off.

Here, just take
your shirt off.

Can't...

Here. Do...

Do you want me to go first?

You're offering just
to take your...

Oh, my God!

Look at you.

Take off your clothes now.

President Obama.

Yeah, I like him
to watch over me.

Do you, like, want to take it
slow... or something?

- This is nice.
- Yeah.

It's starting to
even look like a triple rainbow.

Oh, my God, it's full-on!

Hi, Nick.

So I guess your date went well.

Sleepover party.

I have something from school

that, um... made me
think of you.

It's a Feeling Stick.

Whoever's holding
a Feeling Stick

has permission to say
whatever he or she is feeling

without being judged.

I'll go first. Um...

I feel like I want to know
what you're feeling.

Believe it or not,
that's not the first time

someone's broken
my Feeling Stick.

- I have a travel size.
- No.

Nick, wait!

Nick, we have to talk
about this.

What are you doing?

I'm sorry I saw your doojer
and your chickadees.

And I didn't mean
to laugh. I just...

Then why did you laugh?

Is there something
funny about it?

No.

It's beautiful.

Stately.

A real treat.

Oh, my God.

I think it's great you dance
naked to Jamaican music.

That's really cool.

You should explore
your sexuality.

- Nick?
- Excuse me.

Come on, Nick.
I dance naked all the time.

We have to talk about this.

Ugh! Nick!

Nick, please talk to me.

Jess, there's nothing
to talk about.

You ruined my date.

Every time I tried
to take my clothes off, Jess,

I heard your little...

Your little crazy
giggle scream.

And all I want to do
is have meaningless sex

with a beautiful woman who, yes,
talks in mind-bending riddles.

But I can't,

because I can't
get your little...

...out of my head!

Well, maybe you don't want
to have meaningless sex.

Maybe that's
not your style.

I have a bing-bong
and chickadees.

It is my style.

Stop following me.

Then stop running
away from me.

I just want to have
a mature conversation.

How can we have a
mature conversation

when you can't even
say the word "penis"?

I can say the word "pen..."

- Say it.
- I...

"Peernyas."

- What?
- "Peernis."

You said "peernis."

- # Penis. #
- Not singing.

Penis.

Not like a ghoul.

I... I can say it!

- Pianist.
- No, you said "pianist."

- Enispay!
- Not pig Latin.

- "Peernis."
- Okay, not in Swedish.

- "Pemo."
- Not in fake Italian.

Penis!

Shut up!

- Say it with me... "pe...
- Pe...

- ...nis."
- ...neers.

Yeah, I'm the one
that's immature.

- Hey, man.
- Aah!

I'm the only one
who hasn't seen it.

- What?
- Just the gun.

- No.
- Just the roses.

- What?
- Just the hub, where it connects.

- Get out.
- Fine!

I thought we were
best friends.

We are.

Apparently not.

Best friends
don't do this, Schmidt.

They do it
all the time.

- You laughed?
- Yeah, I couldn't help it.

Did you freak out and make
that noise that you always make?

What? I don't always
make a noise.

Fine.

I guess I missed the moment

when everybody got cool
about sex.

I really messed up.

Ah, guys are simple.

You know what I would do?
I would just make it even.

You've seen his; show him yours.

No.

I can't do that.

Hey, Winston.

Oh, no. Oh, man.

The interview?
Did you mess up?

No, I didn't mess up.

Killed it. I was amazing.

At one point, I
was on the outside...

...of my body
watching myself be amazing.

- Well, that's a good thing, right?
- The woman asked me...

...why I wanted to sell
medical supplies.

I had no answer.

I've done anything but play
basketball my entire life.

"Winston Bishop is an
American basketball player

"who played
professionally in Latvia

and he loves ducks".

Winston, did you write
the part about the ducks?

I don't even like
ducks that much, man.

Okay, look, man.

You got to get off
Wikipedia, alright?

You're going crazy.

I was the guy who
was good enough

to play in Latvia.

And then one day,
I don't know, man...

I just lost it.

They found another
black guy.

Labak melno virietis.

- Means "the better black guy".
- A better melno?

- You're-you're the best melno.
- I don't know, man.

- I just don't know what comes next.
- You know what you do next?

Come on. You're gonna get up.
Let's get up. Come on, buddy.

We're gonna get you
out of the house.

We're gonna get you moving.
It's gonna feel good.

Whoo! This feels good.

Totally. I love it.

You know, I think I was
just scared, man.

I've been playing basketball
my whole entire life.

What if I was
wasting my time?

Maybe I should have been
figuring out my life like you.

I don't have
anything figured out.

I'm a fully-grown man
with roommates.

I have a stupid job.
I'm single.

My best friend won't even
let me see his penis.

I mean, my whole life
is a sham.

Aah!

I actually feel
a lot better.

Thanks, Schmidt.

Winston, my legs!

- Schmidt?
- My legs are seizing up.

- Schmidt!
- I hate my life. I hate my...

...making new discoveries.

I'm a fear-based
person, apparently.

Stop it. Go.
I need a...

Give me a hug, please. 911.

Ow. Ow.

Hey.

Hey.

I'm sorry about
last night, Amanda.

So you're... you're, like,
super into "cuddling".

No, I'm not super
into cuddling.

I'm just getting out
of a relationship

and I think I got nervous.

I've heard that I'm
not great at talking about

what I'm feeling
all the time

and so I'm sorry
about last night.

Honesty.

I like that.

Really nice.

Oh, yeah?

We're doing it.

- Oh, yeah!
- You're so hot...

Okay.

Yeah. Yeah.

- Alrigh, wow.
- Yeah.

Oh wow.
This is happening.

Take off your pants.
Take off your pants!

Okay, okay.

Yeah, take your pants off.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

- You want me to take them off?
- Yeah.

- Want me to?
- Yeah. Take them off.

- Okay. Want me to take these off?
- Yeah.

Okay, lights on, pants off.
Here we go.

Okay.
Okay. Yeah.

Oh, I'm totally
cool with this.

Yeah.
All right.

Okay.

What are you doing?!

What is...?! Who is that?!

What are you doing?!

Hi. I'm Jess.

Welcome to our home.

We live in a world with rules.
We knock.

We have doors.

And we knock on those doors.

I'm sorry, Nick.

Just knock!

Nick.

I...

- Put that down.
- But we have to talk.

Nothing to talk about.

I feel that Nick is not
honoring the Feeling Stick.

I feel me, too.

I feel Schmidt's had

a particularly bad day,

and I feel that if Nick is
truly Schmidt's friend,

he would show Schmidt
what's in his pants.

I feel supported.

What is going on with you two?

What are you doing?

I feel Nick is yelling.

Stop it!

Yo. I just wanted
to thank you

for taking me running.

Made me feel
a lot better.

Now, I might not have a job
or anything but...

at least I can run a mile.

I mean, watching you try to run,
yeah, that was just pathetic.

I needed that.

I suffer from
exercise-induced asthma.

Do you suffer
from exercise-induced crying?

It's a real thing,
man, okay? EIA.

You know what I learned
from the Internet?

We got nothing to worry about.

Everybody has
their moment.

We might get a cat one day.

That cat might play
the keyboard.

A bear might fall
on our trampoline.

We don't need to have it
figured out right now.

Our moments will come.

Hey, man.

Let's keep bro'ing out.

Come in.

Jess, you don't have to knock

once you're
in the room.

I worked on something for you.

All right.

Penis.

Very good.

Thank you.

Um, so did Amanda
call you back?

No, I don't see Amanda
calling me back.

- I'm sorry.
- It's okay.

Maybe you were right.

Maybe I'm not ready

for meaningless sex
with beautiful women.

Well, you know,
maybe when you are

you'll be able to show
her your other penis.

Your heart penis.

- Get out of my room.
- Okay.

Hey, um,
when I was, um,

leaving in a hurry

um, did you see

everything?

Yup.

Even my...

my gumbo pot?

Ugh. Gumbo pot? Get out.

Get out, Schmidt.

I'm the only one
who hasn't seen it.