New Girl (2011–2018): Season 1, Episode 3 - Wedding - full transcript

It's our first wedding together
so we need nicknames.

Nick is Knick-Knack!
Or Mr. Suspenders.

No nicknames, ok?
Your only job tonight

is to be Nick's girlfriend, okay?

And make sure he stays
out of trouble with Caroline.

Why can't you and Winston help?

We've tried...
He doesn't listen to us anymore.

She's not coming back, Nick.

He's right, I don't.

# Da, da-da, dah!! #

No!



That is the ugliest dress
I've ever seen, Jess!

I'm really gonna need you
to step it up tonight, ok?

When I see you,
I wanna be thinking...

"Who let the dirty slut
out of the slut house?"

Probaby the slut butler, right?

Yo, let's go. We can't be late,
I am in the weeding.

You're the usher,
so relax!

Yeah! I'll be busy.

That way
I won't have to sit around

answering a bunch of
stupid questions all day.

Like, "Do you have a job."

"Are you still playing basketball."

Does it look like I'm still
playing overseas basketball?

What is the matter with you?



This is the first job I've had
in, like, two months, dude,

and I really want
to just get in there

and ush this
wedding in the face!

- You're gonna be great, man.
- So when we do

the chicken dance, I do it
a little bit differently.

I know that it usually
goes, like...

# Da-da, da-da, da-da, da... #.

Oh. # Da-da, da-da, da-da, da. #

But instead of doing claps,
I like to do a peck.

'Cause it's more realistic.

No chicken dance!

Look, we're not
trying to be mean.

We just don't want you
to be yourself... in any way.

Okay. Suppress the Jess.

Got it.

Did you use my hair gel?

Did I use your
hair gel?

I'm not gonna be mad.
Just let me know if you did.

- No.
- You sure?

I used your hair gel.

Are you serious?

Yeah. It's...

Who let the dirty slut
out of the slut house?

Wow. You look great.

Let's go knock biscuits,
brother-cousins.

No!

No teeth, Jess.
You can't use prop teeth.

Come on, guys.

These are hilarious.

Kids love these.

# Who's that girl? #
# Who's that girl? #

# It's Jess. #

1x03
- Wedding -

You want to know one
of my beauty secrets?

The only way
I could fit in this dress

was by wearing little girl's
bicycle shorts underneath.

# They are tight #

# I will not be peeing
tonight! #.

Oh, my God, bubbles.

No, no, no, no, Jess. No
bubbles, no bubbles, please.

Ooh, a lot of big
game here tonight. Yo.

- Oh. Oh, there's Brooke.
- Who's Brooke?

He's been into her
since freshman year.

She used to get drunk
and pass out on our porch.

It was like having a hot,
alcoholic cat.

I'd always leave
water out for her.

Okay. Tonight
just got real.

She goes on top
of the kill list.

Is that because
you're gonna attempt

to kill her
by having sex with her?

More or less, yeah.

Oh, Schmidt, one day you're
gonna kill the nicest girl.

Look at my new boyfriend.

So fancy in his big boy tie.

Jess, would you
please stop?

Okay, what is it with Caroline?

You're like a different person.

Just focus on getting
through today, please.

Okay, Mr. Boy T. Friend.

What did I tell you?

Don't be myself.
Yes.

That's what I love
about our relationship.

You never let me be myself.

Hey!

Winston!

- You're back.
- Yeah.

What are you up to?
Where you working at?

Here. As an usher.

Hi. What a beautiful dress.

I'm surprised
you noticed the dress.

I was distracted
by the woman inside.

Jimmy Longjam,
alternate usher.

Alternate usher.

I mean, I'm here.
I'm the usher.

You were late.
It's called commitment.

Look it up
in a typewriter, old man.

- What?!
- How much money do you make?

Where is your mother?

Can someone help me?

Hello. Bride or groom?

Oh, no. No, not tonight.

No!

Who is that?

Gretchen Nelson.

She's a terrible person.

We can't stand each other.

At every wedding, we end up...

we end up having sex.

I mean, look,
the sex is amazing.

Oh, she's coming over.

Hey, there are those
people that we know.

Oh, what people?

- Hello, Gretchen.
- Uh-huh.

I see you wore
the pantsuit again.

This is a new one.

It's got way more
stretch... in the pants.

- That's horrible.
- Are you ready for tonight?

I'm gonna tie you down

and show you pictures
of my river rafting trip.

Oh, my God,
how many are there?

- It's a two-hour slideshow.
- No, Gretchen.

We can't do this anymore, okay?

It's not... It's not healthy.

- All right? Please, no more.
- Yeah.

There she is.
There she is.

She's right over there.
There she is.

She's right over here.
She's right...

Just be cool...
Okay, okay.

Hi.

Hey, Caroline. Wow.

I didn't know
you were gonna be here.

Great to see you.

Nicholas, you have
to introduce me.

Uh, yeah, of course.

Uh, Jess, this is Caroline.

Hi.

One more time.
Cara-lee?

- Uh, Caroline.
- Caraloo?

- Coraline?
- Caroline.

Okay. Fancy.

Well, I'm Nicholas's girlfriend.

We just started dating,

so we're still
in that honeymoon phase.

I barely sleep.
So much doing it.

So much doing it.

It's crazy.

He's so soft,
like a towel.

Well, it was
nice to meet you.

So nice to meet you,
too, Carol.

Caroline.

I give up! I guess

I'll see you later.

For sure, for sure, for sure.

Oh, my God.
Was she jealous?

I think she was jealous.
You did so good.

That was remarkable.

I just done what
my mama learnt me.

Give me the teeth.

Brooke.

Hi. Wow.

Schmidt.

You used to borrow my
poncho freshman year.

Remember that? No.

Hmm.

Fat Schmidt?

Fat Schmidt!

Of course! Wow.

You look great.

You, also, for sure.

Um, how are your classes?

I mean, not that we're... not
that we're in school anymore.

I know that.

What are you drinking?
White wine?

I'm not drinking.

I'm sober, six months.

Can I get a seltzer, please?

Me, too.

You're six months sober, also?

Seven months. One more.

Wow. That's great.

Congratulations.

Here's your, uh, white wine.

What? What?
That's a mistake.

No, I didn't
order that. No!

No, sir!

Even the...
even smell of it.

I'm gonna run back to my table.

But you can come talk
to me if you need to.

Oh. Okay, thank you.

So what I need you
to do is this.

I need you to put vodka
in a water bottle, okay?

Then rendezvous with me
in the restroom, okay?

Same page? Same page?

This kid is pushing my buttons.

Winston, he's just
a little boy. Relax.

Brooke asks, I'm six
months clean and sober,

and looking to
settle down.

Great. Schmidt's sober.

What are you doing?

She's looking at us.

Your head is shaped
like a yam.

Yeah, I know. I can't
wear soft hats.

Uh-huh.
Hey, when she comes here,

I want to talk
to her by myself.

- No. Are you sure?
- Jess, I'm fine, for real.

- Hi.
- Oh, hey.

Could that ceremony
have lasted any longer?

- It really was...
- Ha, ha. We loved it.

Taking notes in case
Mr. Commitment-Phobe over here

decides to make an
honest woman out of me.

Oh.

Hey, Jess,

did you want
to go do that thing from...?

Yes, I did.
I want to do it very badly.

- Yup.
- Thank you.

And now,
for the first time ever,

Mr. and Mrs. Handelman-Pyong.

# #

Yay! Bride and Groom!

Make way!

Huzzah! Celebrate love!

Get ready for a wonderful
life of merriment and joy.

Jess is... great.

The best. Yeah, so happy.

Are you guys
pretty serious, or...?

Yeah, we are pretty serious.

Yeah, we live together.

I mean, different bedrooms,
but shared bathroom,

so that's something.

Alcohol. Any kind
of alcohol you have.

Just give me anything.

Thank you.

Give me that.

Oh, God.

It's like you're lapping it
out of a puddle.

Ugh! Where'd you get those
boots, off a lady hiker?

Look at those earrings.
Are they clip-ons?

I'm gonna make
you wear them.

Huh?
No.

No?

Is it bad that I
can't feel my legs?

Yes-- now let's talk
about my problems.

Jess, I have to go home
with Brooke tonight.

I deserve someone
like Brooke.

She's perfect,

and it doesn't matter
that I have gymnastic,

mean-spirited, highly
educational sex with Gretchen.

It's just-- that's not what
I want to do anymore, okay?

Not tonight.

What's so bad about
liking Gretchen?

I mean, you guys
obviously have,

like, a weird connection.

No, no, no, no, I want
to connect with Brooke.

I want to connect with her
in the shower, on the floor...

Okay, you know what?

- ...sitting Indian style.
- You can keep talking,

but I'm going to put
my hands over my ears.

- We got a problem.
- What?

Jess, what did you do?

What? They're fine,
they're just talking.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
with Caroline he is not fine.

Okay, he ran into her
at a party two months ago,

then sent me a ten-page e-mail
about what she meant

when she said,
"I'll see you soon."

She will flirt with him until
she knows she can have him.

It's like he's
her backup plan.

I didn't know that.

You want to live with Nick

when he's not showering
and crying all day?

He sounds like this.

You ever heard
a grown man sob

and listen
to Simon and Garfunkel?

- Yeah, my dad.
- Yeah.

Okay, I get it...
but I just...

These bicycle shorts
are really tight.

Come on,

- work through it, woman.
- Okay, okay.

Okay.

It's all on you, Jess.

Come on in, honey.

The water's fine.

Jess, you know I don't dance.

Oh, but you didn't know
that I did this.

I'm mime-walking.

I'm Mime-chael Jackson.

- I'm gonna get a drink.
- Me, too.

Nick, wait, no.

Jess, relax,
this is good.

I may actually have a chance,
and it's all because of you,

- so thank you.
- No, Nick,

that wasn't my intention.

Nick--
oh, hi.

I don't feel like dancing
right now, I'm sorry.

I'm... really
uncomfortable right now.

Oh, Winston, thank God!
Nick got away.

Nick can wait.

This...

this is about honor.

And...
it looks like we have a dance-off!

What?!

Oh, my God,
what are you doing?

Mommy?

Nick? Nick?

The chocolate fountain.

Reminds me
of the one in Tuscany.

You ever been?

Yeah!
I was just there for New Year's.

Where's the chocolate fountain?

I don't know, I've never been.

I'm just fascinated
with the culture.

Schmidt! Schmidt,
I need you to help me

get these off
so I can go find Nick!

God, are you friends
with that girl?

Schmidt!

Look, I...

I didn't want to have
to tell you this, but...

she was a mistake I made
when I hit rock bottom.

It was like I was
her Sid and she was

my Nancy, and then I got sober
and she couldn't deal with it,

and the poor thing just went...
she went crazy.

Schmidt, I need you to come
help me slap my thighs around!

Look, I don't want to scare you,

but she can be really dangerous
when she drinks.

Okay? I shouldn't even be
in the same room with her,

it's just...

it feels so good
talking to you.

Maybe we should
get you out of here.

What a great idea. Yes!

I just have to go
to the bathroom really quickly.

Whatever you need,
whatever... of course.

Ready? No lips.

Name one, name one.
Do, uh, wind tunnel.

Super high driver's license.

Can we stay in
here all night?

Oh, hi.

Schmidt is very fond of you.

Um, look, I don't...

I, uh, I don't even really
know him that well,

- okay?
- Oh.

I'm just cutting off
my underwear. You know.

Girl stuff.

So tight.

Well, it's been really nice
chatting with you.

But I've got a pretend boyfriend
to hunt down.

I think he's cheating on me.

Oh, and don't break Schmidt's heart,
or you'll have me to deal with.

This is fun.

Aha! I trusted you!

- Jess, get out of here.
- Nothing happened.

After everything we built.

Go away, Jess, please.

Who are you?!

No, really, nothing happened.
I have a boyfriend.

Wait, you have a boyfriend?

Yeah, well, I-I've been seeing
someone. I didn't bring him

because I didn't want
to hurt your feelings,

- but now I know that you have Jess...
- Yeah, he has me.

And our baby!

Okay, I'm just gonna
let you guys...

And our other baby!

Jess, what happened with Brooke?

- What?
- She just left here in tears

because she said that you
threatened her with a knife?

No, I was talking you up!

No, you shouldn't have been
talking me up.

You should have been taking care
of Nick.

Why is it so hard
to do one thing?

- How is this my fault?
- Ruiner.

Did you just call me a ruiner?

Yeah.

Okay, you know what?
Forget it.

I'm not helping
you guys anymore.

- Give me my teeth back.
- Stop it.

- You don't appreciate them.
- Cool it!

Give them back.

I'm gonna have fun,

'cause there's nothing wrong
with who I am,

and I like having fun
at weddings.

And I like dancing.

And if you don't like that,
then tough tater tots, tooter.

Jess is back!

Oh, you're going home
with me, aren't you?

Oh...

Good boy.

That's Caroline and that's me.

Four years.

Four years together, so...

It doesn't matter to me.

It's just what
matters is respect.

I'm just so alone

right now, man.

It is a real bad situation.

Uh, Steve and Bree, babe.

Steve and Bree, 'cause that's
what this is about.

I agree with you.

You're good at your job, babe.

I'm so happy for you two.

You look great.

It feels a little bit like
you're rubbing it in my face,

your little happiness,
but let's be honest, Bree,

this doesn't look
great on you-- this.

That's not a great look, Bree!

Congratulations, Steve.
Nice fedora.

And no open bar, Steve?!

Don't you understand
that's tacky?!

Your dad's rich,
you're a lawyer, man.

Yeah!

That happened!

The photo booth is a liar-- FYI.

Oh, hey, ladies, you guys want
to see a grown man cry?

No? Then get out!

I think I saw a single doctor
looking at you!

This is gonna take awhile,
Orange.

Hey, there, partner.

Hey, can I tell you something

you promise to never
tell Schmidt?

I love bubbles.

I don't know why,
I just always have.

You see that? - Oh!
That was like two in one.

You okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Those guys were jerks.

But I know they're
glad you're around.

Really?

Yeah!

They're not just gonna come
out and say it, though.

Especially Nick, you know,
but they're all thinking it.

Even me.

Most of the time.

It was weird when I was stuck in
a freak sandwich

between you and that
eight-year-old.

Do you want to talk about that?

You know, it's just that he got
to be a bit annoying, so...

I kind of took my
feelings out with dance...?

Okay, so, uh, we
have a situation.

Hey, Nick, how you doing, buddy?

They want me to leave the
booth, but I'm staying.

This is my home now.
It's got everything that I need.

You can see by looking
at these pictures

that he's experiencing a variety
of different emotions.

This one is... well,
that's actually his butt.

He just keeps saying "Jess."

Jess, fact is that I was a mean
person and I'm sorry, okay?

Hi, Nicholas.

Hey, Jess, I live in a photo
booth bow.

Oh, is that so?

Yep, come on in,
come on in.

- Thank you.
- That's the kitchen area.

- Very nice.
- This is the common area.

- Okay. - Dining room, living
room, kind of everything.

It's very nice.

Hey! She has a boyfriend.

She shouldn't have been
flirting with you all night.

You can't be her backup plan.

You have to let
each other go.

So now, you have
to make a decision.

"Am I gonna stay locked in a
photo booth for the next hour,

"or am I gonna get out
there, take my shoes off,

and dance my face off?"

Come on, it's up to you.

All right.

I love you, photo booth.

Yo, look at him.

He looks better.

I can't do this anymore.

I have to let you go,
Caroline, for real.

It has to be over.

Good-bye.

Good luck and everything.

Good-bye.

All right, um, I've got to...
Excuse me.

# When I'm feeling blue #.

Come on, Jess.

What?

Just please, just come
with me right now.

- Okay.
- Thank you.

# Then I'm not so blue #

# When you're close to me #

# I can feel your heart beat #

# I can hear you
breathing in my ear #

# Wouldn't you agree? #

# Baby, you and me got a
groovy kind of love #.

That looks like so much fun.

# Anytime you want to #

# You can turn me on to #

# Anything you want to #
Okay.

# Anytime at all #

# When I kiss your lips #

# Ooh, I start to shiver #

# Can't control the
quivering inside #

# Wouldn't you agree? #

# Baby, you and me got
a groovy kind of love #.

Check out my beaks.

Ooh, stop copying my beaks.

Gretchen, you think that,
like, hooking up

at all these weddings...
I mean, one of

these times, we can go
on an actual date?

No. I'm just using you
for your body.

Oh. Okay. Cool.

How many more of
these things?

We're just getting started.

That yellow helmet.

Ugh!

Tonight, I'm gonna get certified
in the River Schmidt.