New Amsterdam (2018–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - Cavitation - full transcript

A journalist visits New Amsterdam to shadow Max and learn about the hospital. Bloom and Reynolds have a major disagreement after she makes a call against protocol and Kapoor deals with issues from his past.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -


You guys all look how I feel.

Happens when your worst
day is immortalized in print.

Bad karma.

Bad karma for what?

We were all just staring
to groove, weren't we?

I should have never
doubted myself.

I should have
gotten there sooner.

My personal life affected
my decision-making.

Guys, I should have
made a diagnosis sooner.

But we can't just sit here
beating ourselves up over it.

Okay? I feel like we can.

Or at least I can.


MAX: "Yesterday
morning, at 7:38 a.m.,

"a bullet ripped through
New Amsterdam."


I got dinged

for not changing my
patient's TV channel

fast enough.

NURSE 1: Apparently my
name brings back bad memories.

NURSE 2: I get it. The customer
satisfaction survey isn't good.

So rewrite the survey. What?

(CLEARS THROAT) If you don't
like the answers, change the questions.

What should the
patients focus on?

Nurses know better than anyone.

You're a long way from the morgue.

HAROLD: Oh, the ICU has the
only decent coffee in the hospital.

You know, I may work with the dead,
but that doesn't mean I have their taste.

Well, I say equal coffee
now, equal coffee forever.

It's a joke, Harold. We'll
get you the same coffee.

Sharpe, why does
nobody get my jokes?

You just missed me solve the
hospital's most vexing problem.

That the ICU has the
only decent coffee?

So that is actually a
thing? (CHUCKLES)

Are you heading out? I was.

When did that
happen to your voice?

On my day off. That'll teach me.

You don't think the, uh,
"Nutella" is spreading, do you?

I hope you don't
expect me to call it that.

Why? Everyone loves Nutella.

Let me do a laryngoscopy
and see what's going on

with the, uh, "Nutella."

See? It's catchy.

Getting exceptionally
good at finding me.

I've updated your
tracking device.

Whatever it is that you
wanna tell me or want me to do,

I can't do it because
I have a thing.

My thing trumps your thing.

Find me later. Okay.

Max, this is Louis
Navarro from the Standard.

Apparently HCC approved
him to shadow you.

Right, yes. For the, um,
profile. Overlord told me.

Overlord? HCC.

Your supervisors.

Who doesn't like a fun nickname?

Probably HCC.

Do you have a contentious relationship
with the Health Care Commission?

Off to a great start.

Well, if you'll excuse me, I'm
gonna go start posting my résumé.

Do you?

Why don't we start over?

Pleasure to meet you,
Mr. Navarro. No, Lou.

So intrigued to meet the
Dam's newest medical director

turning this place upside-down.

I'm an open book. (CLEARS

Hey, is your voice
okay? Karaoke.

You know, one of these
days, I have to accept that

Total Eclipse of the
Heart just isn't in my range.

Pan-roasted whole
branzino... Mmm-hmm.

Served with ramps and fiddleheads,
steeped in an unctuous maitake jus.

What are fiddleheads?
I have no idea.

But I'm gonna order
them tonight. Mmm.

Maybe even twice.

Taking Martin to Verdugo
for dinner. No kids.

You know, I think once a year,
it's important to go somewhere

that doesn't have a
maze on the menu.

You know what I
mean? KAO: Dr. Kapoor?

Am I needed? There's
somebody here to see you.

He said he's your son.


Your son? Wait. You have a son?

Hey, hey.

You have a son?




Not good.

You only have five eggs.
Oh, maybe six in play,

in your ovulation cycle.

Ten is considered normal.

There's a few weeks
left in my cycle.

Others could still catch up.

Yes, in theory, they could,
but... I'm a late bloomer.

School, my chest, men.

eggs will come round.

Helen, you said you wanted
to know where your fertility was.

Well, here it is.

Your FSH is high.

Your AMH is low because
your ovaries are aging fast.

You have diminished
ovarian reserves, which...



Hey, it's just the
genes you were dealt.

Yeah, right.

If you're interested in having
your own biological child,

you're gonna have
to work on that now.

One option, we freeze embryos.

Or we could work to
start getting you pregnant

as soon as your next cycle.

So, um...

You're going to have to
make some decisions on this.

That piece that you wrote

on the, uh, corporatization of
healthcare for the Times, that was great.

Oh, you remember that?
That was a decade ago.

Yeah, but my favorite
is the one that you wrote

on the, uh, inadequacies
of maternal postpartum care.

Hmm. Also 10 years ago.

Yeah, why aren't you writing
pieces like that anymore?

Well, you know, the market now
demands shorter, buzzier topics.

But the healthcare system
demands more, don't you think?

Okay, yeah, let's talk about
you. Your story. How you got here.

(CHUCKLES) Lou, I'm flattered,
but I'm not the story here.

New Amsterdam is.

Mmm, the only thing new
about New Amsterdam is you.


gave me full access to follow
you around the entire hospital.

Full access?

Anywhere in the
hospital is fair game.


Uh, did you know that
HCC gave Lou full access?

The Chief of Police just called.

It's... It's bad.


Malik Stokes, 14-year-old
GSW to left and right chest.

seems like a through-and-through.

Scoop and go. He's tachy at 120,
100 over 68, respiration's at 16.

Jesus, he's just a kid.

Hey, Malik, I'm Dr. Bloom, okay?

We're here to help you.


I'm here, baby.

Malik? Oh! Malik?

I'm right here,
baby. I'm here, baby.

Ma'am, I'm gonna
have to ask you to leave.

He can't die like this.
You have to save him.

He can't die... Escort
her out of here, please.

Okay, transfer on my
count. One, two, three.

EMT: Second ambulance coming in.

Type and cross two
units and get a second IV.

Jalen Pagan.

17-year-old GSW with a bullet
hole on the left side of his neck.

98, 145 over 85, 14.

He was on the same
corner as the first victim.

According to NYPD,
only one shot. One bullet.

Must have been some bullet.

Okay, let's get him into bay 24.

Jalen, can you wiggle
your toes for me?

Okay, that's great.

Malik's BP is dropping.
Heart rate is rising.

Okay, hang two bags of normal
saline. Let's get a type and cross match.

On it.

Heart rate's
climbing now to 154.

And BP's dropping.
Eighty over 40.


Muffled heart sounds. Malik's
got a pericardial effusion.

Fluid must be accumulating
around his heart.

Heart rate's gone
from 100 to 160.

Okay, if we don't do a
pericardiocentesis soon,

his BP will bottom out.
Where's cardiothoracic surgery?

Reynolds is 10 minutes out.
What about one of his new hires?

All three have been scrubbed
for their own surgeries.

BP's dropping again.

Okay, I'll do it.

Uh, get me an 18-gauge spinal
needle and a 20-cc syringe. Go.

It's against protocol. What
do you want me to do?

Wait until he's pulseless
so I can call time of death?

Get me an 18-gauge spinal
needle and a 20-cc syringe. Now.

He's down at 50 over palp.

NURSE 1: Heart rate's up to 180.

BLOOM: Get a second IV bag.

NURSE 2: O2 sats are dropping.

Steady. Steady.

dropping. I got it.


You're in the heart.
NURSE 1: Heart rate's rising.

BLOOM: Damn it.

Max, you're not walking
towards your office.

No, I'm walking to the
ED where the GSWs are.

What about Chief Williams?
Last time I checked, he wasn't shot.

He's just gonna call again.

Well, I'll ignore that call, too, and
then eventually, he'll stop dialing.

He doesn't dial his own phone.

You normally in the habit of
blowing off the Chief of Police?

The police department
has its own agenda.

But my agenda and the agenda
of my hospital is to save lives.

Plain and simple. Hmm.

You realize this is probably a
police-related shooting, right?

That information, while
tragic and upsetting,

doesn't matter in here.
Wait. Doesn't matter?

More than 700 people have been shot
and killed by the police just this year.

The second they come through these doors,
they become patients, not statistics.

Hold on. Wait.

If you wanna do a ride-along
with the police, then you go ahead.

But in here, the
hospital is the story.

When exactly did you
become a cardiac surgeon?

When we were waiting
on you. On anyone.

'Cause you're still so
insanely understaffed.

I mean, what was
I supposed to do?

You're supposed to follow
protocol. He would have crashed.

You pushed that needle
way too deep into his heart

'cause you are not
a cardiac surgeon.

You better hope I can fix this.


ADAMS: Ms. Tewkes,
can you talk to me?

Ms. Tewkes? Ms. Tewkes.

At what point did you see the
officers... Hang on. Hang on there.

Just one sec. I'm sorry
to cut in on you, Officer...

Detective Adams.

NYPD. And you're? Frome. NAMC.

New Amsterdam Medical Center.
It's... It's a mouthful, I know. Um...

I'm gonna need you to give
Ms. Tewkes a little room here.

I just need a few statements
from the aunt there.

No, I understand, but we're just...
We're gonna do our thing first, okay?

Thank you. I'll bring her back.

Are you one of Malik's surgeons?

FROME: Um, no. No.

Here. Come in here.

No, I'm, uh, a psychiatrist. I'm
on Malik's trauma support team.

I'm Iggy Frome.

What does he need
with a psychiatrist?

Is he out of surgery?
No. No, not yet.

Um, but if his
surgery is a success,

he's gonna need more
than physical rehabilitation.

There will be many, many
mental hurdles to overcome.

So you don't know how he is now?


But, um, I can assure
you that he's in...

He's in the best hands.

Yo, that's so bugged.

Word to, son.

It's all good, though.
Your boy bulletproof.

How are you bulletproof
with a bullet hole, B?

You sound dumb-smacked.
You're just jealous.


Why is Jalen Pagan still here?

Why do you sound
like a frog? Allergies.

Why hasn't he been sent for an
MRI? He's got a bullet lodged near T1.

Yes, but he's stable,
and he's a minor.

So we're trying to contact
his mother for consent.

It's an MRI.

I'm just following protocol.

I mean, I wouldn't
wanna piss anyone off

overstepping any
precious rules, would I?

Gonna say no.

How long have the cops
been circling? A while now.

They want a statement
from Jalen like yesterday.

Not till we reach his parents.


Yo, what's up, guys?
Jalen's gotta go.

We gotta call his mom,
okay? Thanks, bye.

Oh, my God. Are you serious?

It's for your own good.
Now, help me call your mom.

You need money?

I have a job.

It's at a restaurant.

Solstice, in Soho.

It's new, but it's making noise.

A restaurant.

Yeah, I manage the place.

I mean, it's no
big deal. Just...

Why were you hiding all this?

I don't know.

It's weird enough me
showing up like this, but...

After I got your
voice mail, I...

Rohan, I'm...

I'm glad you came.

I forgive you.

You forgive me?

Yes, for...

For the funeral,
for all the lies.

For everything.

You forgive me?

Isn't that what people
like you need to hear?


You know, my
sponsor said not to...

Not to expect...

Never mind.

But I don't understand...
Yeah, of course you don't.

You know, Maji was right.
You are just so pigheaded.

Nothing is ever your

You know, I was hoping you might
change just a little after she passed,

but you're still you.

Goodbye, Abba.

Ms. Tewkes, can you
tell me about Malik?

Rhonda. What? Why
are you still talking?

I'm just trying to learn more
about Malik's home support system.

He's not some charity case.

No, no, I didn't mean to imply...
Malik has been well-loved.

And extremely well cared for.
Is that what you need to hear?

It's good. Church choir.

After-school care.
Year-round sports.

I've done everything in
my power to keep him safe.

To keep him from
dying like his parents.

This foolishness
still found him.

I'm genuinely just
here trying to help.

If you really wanna help,

then stop the police
from shooting black boys

trying to get to school on time.

And get every
bullet out of this city,

so my nephew has a chance
of seeing his 21st birthday.

Can you do that,
Mr. Trauma Support Man?

So we should start.

Excuse me one minute.

I got your page.
Have you been crying?

Do you want this
laryngoscopy or not?

LOU: What's a laryngoscopy?

SHARPE: Just call
me when you're free.

So, Lou, what's the story?

Well, it seems your purge of
the cardiac surgery department

has resulted in, uh,
staffing shortages.

That the new department
head is thoughtfully refilling.

Yeah, apparently not fast
enough to stop a breach of protocol

by one of your
department chiefs.

The doctor stuck a needle way
too deep into Malik Stokes' heart.

Now, it's very possible
he could die from this.

Now, do you have a comment?

Uh, you gonna fire Dr. Bloom?
Who said anything about firing?

Well, if Malik dies because
she broke protocol...

I only care if what she did helped
him. We're in the business of healing.

And if protocol gets in the way of
that, then we will change the protocol.

Oh, can... Can I
quote you on that?

I just assumed all
this was on the record.

Max. Really? The
police chief? Still?

No, the Mayor. Congratulations.
You've moved up in the world.

He wants an update on the injuries
and the kind of bullet that was used.

I don't wanna
talk to him either.

Any idea why he
would wanna know that?

Yeah, but his agenda is not
your story. Hospital is. Remember?

Hello, Jalen. I'm
Dr. Vijay Kapoor.

Would you mind wiggling
your toes for me, please?

I already did a work-up,
Vijay. The bullet stays.

Sending him up to the
ward for observation.

Jalen, go ahead. I am.

Okay, tell me if you
feel something, okay?

Here? Yeah.

Pull his x-rays. Sure thing.

Dr. Hartman, he has
ascending paralysis.

That just started. It's
probably from edema.

I already had them start
on methylprednisolone.

It's not edema. His vertebrae is
unstable. You're a surgeon. Fix it.

What's got you riled up today?

A neurologist advocating
for a construction project?

Because it's indicated. These
scans don't say that definitively.

If you actually look, they
do. You're being stubborn.

Okay, let's wait for the bloody
vertebrae to collapse for proof!


Prep him for surgery.

You coming, John Wayne?

See, there? No trace wave.

So all that blood must have
come from where the bullet

nicked his heart, not my needle.

And you needed a
video to tell you that?

Oh, I needed something, okay?

I'm second-guessing every
move I make in there now.

Do you think that Reynolds
sits around whingeing

about the calls that he makes?


No. What is it?

They need a hematology
consult in the OR.

Malik? No. The other GSW, Jalen.

NURSE: Infusion rate is
point five mils per minute.

It won't clot. Blood keeps
oozing into my surgical field.

SHARPE: And you've got
an expanding hematoma.

Because Kapoor
pressed for stabilizing rods.

That you know he needed.

But now I can't close,
so we should have waited.

And let him become paraplegic?

For goodness' sake, will
you both give it a rest?

Push calcium chloride
before giving him FFP.

That should stabilize the oozing

while I run a detailed
clotting factor analysis.



I will, um, freely admit that
I'm stress-eating right now.

Ruining my appetite
for what will surely be

a very expensive meal
with my husband later.

I didn't see
anything. Thank you.

What's wrong with your voice?

It's the, uh, big game.

The... What big game?
Why are you stress-eating?

They're out there right
now for Malik and Jalen.

But tomorrow, it's
gonna be another family

crying, scared, praying.

And this happens every day.

And Malik and Jalen could end up
here again through no fault of their own.


Maybe, but you do
what you can in here,

maybe make a
difference out there.

I don't see how.

Malik lives in a war zone.

Both of his parents are dead.

His aunt is...

Fraying at the seams,
and she's angry.

Distracted. You seem
very focused on Malik.

Of course I am.

Sounds like Malik
isn't your only patient.


Blood pressure dropped again.

REYNOLDS: Come on, Malik.
Where is that damn bleeder?


Nottingham, is his
abdomen distended?

I don't feel anything.

Cut the drapes.

He's got Grey Turner
sign on his abdomen.


Because it's full of blood.

That's where that
bleeder is, damn it.

Prepare to expand the
surgical field to the abdomen.

Shouldn't we call
the general surgeon?

If we're hitting the spleen...

He's bleeding out fast,

and I'll be damned if
this kid dies on my watch.


Scrub in. Stat.

Where's the barnacle?

Probably writing an exposé
about our coffee situation.

Well, I can scope you now. I'm
just waiting on Jalen's test results.

What's going on
with you? Nothing.

Red eyes earlier. Now
you're mean-mugging.

Helen, you know my
biggest, hairiest secret.

So if you need to talk to me...

You're the one
with the "Nutella."

Not me.

So let's just do the scope
before you get another page.



I said I ain't giving
you my phone!

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What is the problem?

The name's Javier Pagan.
We found him filming in the ED.

Yeah, because that's
where y'all took my brother!

Okay, okay. And
now he isn't there!

Hey, who is your brother?

How many people
I gotta tell? Jalen.

Jalen Pagan. He was shot in the

But now nobody wants to
tell me where y'all took him!

My mom keeps calling me
trying to get here from her job.

Keeps asking me for
news that I can't give her!

I understand...

And now I got these
two dumb-ass rent-a-cops

getting spicy over a damn phone!

I understand. Calm down.
Calm down. Listen, listen, listen!

You're gonna come with me. We're
gonna talk about your brother, okay?

We need to make sure he didn't
film any hospital personnel or patients.

It's policy. You are
making this worse.

What? You think I'm scared?

Huh? Back up. Okay? It's okay.

No, no. You think I'm scared?

You gonna shoot
me, too? It's okay.

OFFICER: Easy, man.

Calm down, son. Are
you gonna shoot me too?

OFFICER: Back off.
You need to calm down.

Hey, hey, just back...
Give him some space!



OFFICER: Give me that.

No! Hey!


If I'd have known that punching
you in the face was all it took

to make you available,
I'd have done it myself.

How long for the test results?

I'll have them in the morning.

In the meantime, I was thinking

a course of steroids
might help clear the, uh...



I have to go. What about me?

Here. Heal thyself.

NURSE: Changing
out the CO2 absorber.

SHARPE: Hanging a
bag of cryoprecipitate.

NURSE: Hanging. Tests come back?

No, but Jalen is not clotting
because he's on anabolic steroids.

Seems a bit out of left field.

SHARPE: Not if you've seen his
brother or factor in Jalen's damaged liver.

KAPOOR: But his liver
function tests were normal.

SHARPE: Appear normal.

But his protein levels
tell the whole story.

I confirmed his A/G ratio is
less than one. He's on steroids.

We should wait for
the tests to come back.



NURSE: Four mils per
minute. HARTMAN: Wait, wait.

It's drying up.

It's working.

Well done, Sharpe.


Hi. Just me.

What happened?

Uh, nothing. Malik
is still in surgery.

But, um, I thought you might
appreciate a fresh set of clothes.

Thank you. It's my pleasure.

And I've said all I had to
say about Malik in all of this.

Well, I'm actually not
here to talk about Malik.

I'm here to talk about you.

Hey, how'd you earn the shiner?

Can't be Medical Director at
the Dam without at least one.

Hey, listen, my contact
at the mayor's office

says they want to hold
a press conference.

It's about what the bullet
did to both Malik and Jalen.

Of course they are.

You going to?

You're getting caught up
in the shiny thing again, Lou.

Yeah, but you get to
talk about your agenda.

Tell your story.

I would love nothing
more than to tell people

what hollow points do to flesh.

How the bullet blooms inside of
you, expanding to three times its size.

How it breaks apart,
tearing through flesh,

pulverizing bones,
liquefying muscles.

Just not for the Mayor.

Aren't you on the same side?

The Mayor's been campaigning
the police to use different bullets.

He wants me to
influence public opinion.

I pick a side between
the Mayor and the police,

all of a sudden there's less
patrolling in our neighborhood

or a grant we were assured
gets diverted to another hospital.

There are no safe sides.

So what are you gonna do?

(CHUCKLES) Lou, what
are we gonna do with you?

(SIGHS) Let me guess.

It's not the story.

May be hope for you yet.



I'm not a soldier. I
haven't been to war.

PTSD can occur from
any traumatic event.

Seeing your nephew get shot,
that would be more than enough,

but it most likely triggered other
traumatizing memories for you.

It can make sleeping hard.

Sudden noises can be jarring.

Same thing happened to my kids.


We, uh, adopted them from
Bangladesh two years ago.


When we first got them here,

they were terrified.

Of everything.

Car horns, school bells.

Crowded spaces, everything.
They were just petrified.

All five of us slept in
the same bed for months.

And they would just
wake themselves crying.

Night after night after night.

When was the last time
you had a good night's sleep?



I just thought that was life.

It doesn't have to be.

I can help you.

And then you can help Malik.





SHARPE: Well, we'll see
how it goes, but thank you.

Hey. Hey.

Malik's surgery all good?

Yeah, it was a bit dicey,
but he's gonna pull through.

I was just, uh, going
to tell his family.

Yeah, they just
closed Jalen as well.

Score one for the
good guys. I suppose.

Never felt good about
fixing bullet holes in anyone.

Let alone kids, you know?

That's something I will never
understand about this country.

The dangers of walking
around in brown skin?

I never really gave it much
thought till I moved here.

Now I can't not think about it.

Yeah, well, unfortunately,
it's a lesson we learn early.

But this is no way to live.


It's not. Yet we do.

You know?

So if it takes a million
camera phones and protests

and knees to make
that point, so be it.

I didn't mean to do all that.

Seriously. I'm so sorry.

It's just, Jalen is
my little brother.

Don't worry about it.
Really. And I only got one.

I have a sister. I get it.


So am I being arrested?

I have a better idea.

How about we go see
your brother instead?

His surgery went well.


He's in recovery now.

Just easy on that elbow.


My mom's gonna be so
hyped when she gets here.

Jalen's the baby. Yeah?

(CHUCKLES) Little badass too.

Once he poured ketchup
all over his T-shirt.

Acted like he got shot.

Scared the crap out of my moms.

He got the chancla for that one.

(CHUCKLES) No doubt.

He's always pulling stupid stuff


What's going on? Stay here.

Where's Jalen? Javi, look at me.

I need you to stay out here.


He's in pulseless
electrical activity.

Chest compressions? MAN: Gomez.

one milligram of epi.

NURSE 1: No, it's already open.

NURSE 2: V-fib. MAX: Go.



NURSE 2: Still V-fib.
DOCTOR: Another round of epi.


No pulse.

Still no pulse.


Max. Wait.

Max. Just wait!

Stop it, Max.

Stop it.

It's over.

Time of death, 3:18.


Damn, you saw Mami face?

Unstoppable, you heard
me? Oh, man, stop fronting.

JAVI: You know I'm the
brains of the operation.

JALEN: What brains, man?

JAVI: What brains? Oh, yeah?


I heard Malik is stable.

And, uh...

Jalen died of cardiac arrest
secondary to a gunshot wound.

So you gonna call
the Chief of Police?


It's not the story, Lou.

Well, then what is?

What is the story if it's not
you, the police or the Mayor?

If you don't know after
spending all day at this hospital,

then I picked the
wrong man for the job.

What, you picked me?

So HCC didn't give me
full access? You did?

(SCOFFS) Did they
even want me here at all?


Why did you?


Gotta see the truth

to write the truth.

JALEN: Unstoppable,
you heard me?

JAVI: Oh, man. Stop fronting.

You know I'm the
brains of the operation.



JAVI: Get off, man.
That's not funny.

It's not funny. No
brains. No brains.

MAN: (SINGING) Too blind


Hurrying through the
forks without regrets

Different now, every
step feels like a mile

All the lights seem to
flash and pass you by

So how's it gonna be

When it all

Hey, Martin, it's me.

Do you think I could take a rain
check on date night tonight? I just, um...

I really wanna be
with you and the kids.

But don't know which way to turn

You know, there might not
have even been a patient to save

if I hadn't done the

Yeah, and I wanted to tell
you that you did it perfectly.

I know I did.

I didn't need, nor did
I ask, for your opinion.

Look, Floyd, you're an
incredibly gifted doctor

who heads up a
world-class department.

But so am I.

Yeah. You're right.

So we're good?

I don't know.

Are we?

I mean, I don't know.

I really don't want no
static at work after this.


Well, you sound like you're
still in your feelings, so...

(SCOFFING) Oh, my God.

You just can't help
yourself, can you?

You know, for the record,
the spleen is way outside

of cardiac's protocol.

MAX: "Yesterday
morning, at 7:38 a.m.,

"a bullet ripped through
New Amsterdam.

"The bullet tore doctors apart.

"The bullet tore families apart.

"It tore communities apart.

"It tore Jalen
Pagan's body apart."

Who'll remember all the players

Who'll remember all the clowns

MAX: "And although the
hardworking doctors of New Amsterdam

couldn't save Jalen's
life, they all did their job.

How's it gonna be

"Except the bullet
did its job better."

To cycling trivialities

That is the truth.

Not one of you is at fault.

What does this really mean

Not one of you is to blame.

When it all comes
down to cycling trivialities

I know you could all be
working someplace else.

Making... (SCOFFS)

Making more money.

Cycling trivialities

Working less hours.

But you're here.

And I'm so grateful.

Today is a new day.





The "Nutella" didn't spread.

I should stop
calling it "Nutella."


It's not Nutella. It's cancer.

I should start being honest.


At least with myself.

I want to have a baby.


But I'm single and on
the wrong side of 35.

I'd have to do injections and
deal with epic mood swings

if I even wanna
give myself a chance.

I don't know why I'd
wanna bring a child,

a brown child, into this world.

There are 1,000 reasons not to.

But the only way to beat death

is life.

There's a word for it.