Nevsu (2017–2021): Season 2, Episode 4 - Gili's Birthday - full transcript
-There you go, schnitzel for the girl.
-Wow!
Who ordered buttered shrimp?
The insects go there.
-It's for me, thank you.
-Here.
-And here's the hamburger.
-Thank you.
I'm going to the restroom.
Oh, shit, she's insane,
and in the family group chat?
Oh, shit, come on.
Tamar, what's going on?
I'm go to the bathroom,
and you give her shrimp?
What? She asked for it.
And you're posting a photo?
My mother sees it. I bet she
wants to jump out the window,
and she lives on the third floor.
Shoot, I forgot. I'm sorry.
Here, she's texting.
What? Oh, we're doomed.
"What is Ma'ayan eating?"
"A new kind of schnitzel?
Should I buy some?"
Relax, she doesn't even know what it is.
Mom, I want another one.
-Sure, honey, here.
-What?
No way!
Honey, do you know what that is?
They're bugs of the sea.
It crawls on the sea floor
and eats other fishes' poop.
It's 90 percent poop.
But it's tasty.
Mom always lets me eat it.
-This isn't the first time?
-No way.
Mom always lets me have some
shrimp from her noodles.
Unbelievable.
It was easier to keep kosher
in Sudan than at home with you.
"For the conductor, a psalm by David…"
Honey, would you mind
if I turned on the TV?
Yes, it's Yom Kippur, show some respect.
Is that salami?
It's not salami, it's ham.
Alright, Gili, I didn't keep kosher
or fast on Yom Kippur when we met.
But why drag the girl
into your den of iniquity?
Must it shrimp?
There are many fish in the sea.
-But I like shrimp.
-Okay, lunch is over.
Would you like some ice cream?
-Yes!
-Good, honey.
You can have as much ice cream
as you want.
But non-dairy.
Mom, you're so embarrassing.
What schnitzel?
Can't you see it's shrimp?
-What?
-Oh, no.
Don't let me see it.
I don't want to vomit.
Is that shrimp?
How do you know it's shrimp?
I watch MasterChef in the US.
That's what they're showing?
I'm canceling the cable service.
I'm not surprised, actually.
I always knew if anyone converted
in this family, it would be Gili.
Shame on you! How can you say that?
It's all your fault. I remember very well.
You cooked this shrimp,
and you're going to eat it.
What did I do?
What didn't you do, you mean.
I see you've completely
forgotten about the oath.
What oath?
The one God hasn't forgotten.
Remember when we were in Sudan
and Gili was kidnapped
by Christian bandits?
Alamito, Alamito, our
donkeys have been stolen.
Oh God, Nagosa was
sleeping on the donkey.
They've kidnapped my son.
They're going to make him Christian.
They'll bring back the kid.
That kid is intolerable,
even Jesus won't have
the patience for him.
But the donkey and the food are gone.
And then you took an oath,
that if Gili came back alive,
you'd give him to the priests
to raise him to be a priest himself.
Yes, you're right.
And is this what priests eat?
Sea cockroaches?
But I sent him to a religious boarding
school. I thought it was the same.
Okay, excuse me, but I'm going
upstairs to eat in a kosher house.
Jacob, come help me, honey.
Sign in and like my post.
The first like is the most important one.
Who is it now?
The last post for the postal workers
was verging on incitement.
Do you think it make sense
to have three postal clerks
at three separate windows
when only one is on duty?
A guy went to renew his license,
and by the time he got it,
he needed to get it renewed again.
Yes, but writing that postal workers
have the IQ of an envelope,
and that a cow could do a better job
licking stamps, that's…
I never said cow,
I said cat. I said a cat
could do a better job.
I said the manager sat there and
chewed her shawarma like a cow.
Jacob, next time read what I write
carefully
and don't give me a like,
like a rubber stamp.
Let me see which service providers
you got into conflict with today.
Who's that? The Shadow?
Is he that right-wing rapper
with the lions?
Read what I wrote.
"Mr. Shadow, you truly are
dark and evil, like a shadow."
"You bring shame on our country."
"You should be sent to an asylum
and have the key thrown into the ocean."
Nitza, you're insane.
You know who you're dealing with?
It turns out that Eliran, Gili's brother,
is friends with him on Facebook
He shares his posts. You want me
to keep my mouth shut
while a family member
is joining the Shadow's army?
I wish he'd join the Shadow's army!
After what you posted,
we'll need someone on the inside
to protect us.
I'm not afraid of bullies.
But I am. You're causing trouble,
and I'm just cannon fodder.
Hey, hey there!
Why are you splashing like that? You
want me to slip and break my head?
-What barbaric behavior.
-Hey, watch your mouth.
Hang on, everybody calm down.
Take a deep breath and count to ten.
One, two, three,
four, five, six…
Okay, Jacob, I get it, I'll fix it. Here.
I'll take off "ignorant" and just leave
-"evil and primitive," okay?
-Nitza,
maybe you should add Yair Netanyahu
as a friend.
That way we'll have a backup.
Mom, calm down.
Right, Tamar ate shrimp.
You know what house she grew up in,
but Ma'ayan? God no.
What you saw in the
picture is her holding it
like a cockroach.
You can see she's disgusted by it.
Of course I sanctify shabbat, Mom.
Sometimes.
Fine, I'll hold the Friday-night blessing
at Nitza's.
With God's help, right Mom? No swearing.
Okay, God bless you, Mom. Be well.
You're really holding kiddush, Gili?
My influence on you
is greater than I thought.
We've always held the blessing.
My home is religious.
Yes, but you married an unorthodox woman.
Yes. Man, it's tough.
Tamar is just like your preachers,
you say, "come for Shabbat," right?
-Right, so?
-With her, different.
"Let's not keep kosher,"
"Let's put pepperoni on the pizza,"
"Let's watch TV on Yom Kippur."
Let's not keep going.
"Have some shrimp."
-Oh no, have you had shrimp?
-God, no.
-Is it good?
-I have no idea.
Is it meaty, like tuna?
I heard it tastes like chicken.
I don't know.
-Would you like to call Tamar and ask?
-She's an expert, right?
With that blonde hair, there must
have been some Cossack in the family.
I'd put cameras in the kitchen.
Why, you want the shrimp recipe?
No, for you,
so you can know
what she gives the girl for lunch.
Once, I suspected Sarah Rachel,
so I installed cameras in the kitchen.
Why did you suspect her?
I thought I smelled the milk soap
on the meat cutlery.
And what happened ?
I had a piece of chicken in my nose.
Sarah Rachel is a righteous woman.
No, my mom is right. I must
bring in more tradition into my home,
sanctify Shabbat, every Friday night.
You see, we never have challah on Friday.
-Nitza is always on a diet.
-Can you imagine
Nitza and Jacob
and the entire calamari family
-blessing the candles with all their arms?
-Right?
Right. I need a Jewish majority
for the Friday dinner.
Shabbat shalom. Look at this beautiful
challah, it's a brioche challah.
Oh, what a challah.
I love these challahs,
but I can't, I can't.
Take it away.
Just a small bite.
No, no, Nitza,
you don't slice before the blessing.
I'm sorry.
Here, I put it back, sorry,
Rabbi Chalachu, forgive me.
Sorry, challah.
Okay, let's begin.
Tamar, cover the challah.
Come on, Gili.
She promised not to touch it.
During kiddush, you cover the challah.
Oh, sorry. With what?
What? With a challah cover.
With the challah blanket,
like we have at home.
I don't think we have that. Mom?
-What?
-Do we have a challah cover?
What, like a challah shawl?
No, but I do have
the original bag from the
bakery shop. It's a great bag.
-No, no, anything else?
-Oh,
we have the doll's blanket.
Oh, for God's sake, Tamar,
it's Shabbat evening.
The doll is naked.
Never mind, Gili.
It's the thought that counts.
Okay, go ahead.
Jacob, you don't have a kippah.
Oh, sorry.
-There's no yarmulke in the house?
-I have that kippah
from the funeral. Should I get it?
God forbid! Funeral? That's bad luck.
Just turn it over so we don't
see the "bon appetit" stamp.
Let's begin.
The sixth day
The heaven and earth were finished,
and all their array.
On the seventh day God finished the work
that God had been doing
and God ceased on the seventh day
from the work God had done.
And God blessed the seventh day
and declared it holy,
because on it God ceased from
all the work of creation God had done.
-"With the permission of my friends!"
-Amen!
Blessed are you, our God…
A Song of Ascents,
-I will lift up mine eyes…
-Nitza, Nitza…
This is a prayer,
not Saturday-night karaoke.
Karaoke? God, no.
You're singing, so I'm singing.
There's no choir. This isn't a church.
-God forbid, not a church.
-Why "God forbid," Alamito?
Excuse me, in this house,
we respect all religions.
Not like Eliran's guru, the Shadow,
who wants to expel any non-Jew.
He just wrote this is a Jewish
state, in case you've forgotten.
-Don't you think it is?
-No,
I think it's a state of all its citizens.
Then why not give citizenship to anyone?
Come on, Eliran.
I'll give citizenship
to anyone who needs help.
Did you know my grandma Mary was saved
by Christians during the holocaust?
-Grandma Mary?
-Yes, our grandmother, Maria.
She went to church, she did all
the rituals, she would pray…
They say that when her mother came
to her after the Shoah,
she didn't even recognize her.
She said: "Go away, Jewish woman,"
She wouldn't go.
She clung to a Christmas tree.
Once they managed to get her down,
she ran to the confessional.
Oh, my God.
What a story… I didn't know
your family was forcefully converted.
Jews in Ethiopia were
also forced to convert to Christianity.
Forced? She loved it!
She has wonderful
memories from Christianity.
She used to always tell me that my
holidays, I mean, the holidays of… no…
that their holidays are better than ours.
I also have a cross she carved herself,
which she received after being baptized.
I'll go get it. Wait.
Did she go get a cross for kiddush?
Wait, forgive me, righteous people here.
Nitza, let's finish the blessing first,
before we bring in the cross.
Oh, Dad, remember how much Grandma Mary
loved ham?
-She always had some in the fridge.
-Yes, but it wasn't easy.
We had to drive to the Mizra Kibbutz.
Right, right,
and I used to pet the pig,
until I realized we were eating them.
And I cried…
Here, I found it.
Look at this beautiful cross.
It's a work of art.
I'm going to take a picture with the cross
-and send it to the Shadow.
-No, wait, Nitza.
I'm not doing Friday night
with a Sunday cross.
You're entering a lion's den.
Come on, Dad, she can't help it.
She won't calm down
until she gets a bullet in an envelope.
-Nitza.
-What?
Could you please put your phone down?
Forgive me, Rabbi Chalachu. Here.
Blessed are You, Eternal God,
who sanctifies the Sabbath.
Amen. Are we done with the ceremony?
Can I take a picture with the cross now?
Okay.
-Shabbat Shalom.
-Shabbat Shalom.
What's that? Mail on Saturday?
Jacob, Jacob, come quickly!
Someone wants to assassinate me!
Yes!
I'm coming!
What happened?
Who wants to assassinate you?
I don't know! Why would anyone want to
do such a thing? I have no enemies.
Nitza, it looks like a threat
letter. You were marked by someone.
Why? What am I, the godfather?
-Have you upset anyone recently?
-No way. You know me, I'm a gentle woman.
Maybe on Facebook?
Oh no, maybe it's… It's the Shadow.
Nitza, I warned you
not to mess with these people.
Jacob, say…
Aren't these letters
from the Globes paper?
No, come on, it's not from Globes.
Yes, Jacob, look carefully,
these are letters taken from Globes.
It can't be the Shadow.
You think he reads Globes?
What does it matter? What matters
is that they're threatening you.
Do you realize who you're dealing with?
-Yes, I got it.
-Thank God.
You should never be afraid
of these people! You can't show them fear.
If they see your fear,
they'll start a fire.
On the contrary, they'll leave us
alone and go read their Globes.
-I know them.
-Who is "them"?
Not "them." I know this type of person.
Nitza, please. Keep a low profile.
No, I won't keep a low profile!
This is a country of laws.
I'm going to the police.
No police.
What could the police do? They have
no clue. They'll just blame
-Roman Zadorov again.
-Listen, there are many clues here.
We already know he reads Globes.
We have his bullet,
and third, he must have left a lot
of fingerprints on the envelope.
Nitza,
we've all touched this letter already.
There are many fingerprints,
mine and yours.
They could claim you've sent
the letter to yourself.
You see how God is?
You didn't keep your oath after
Gili was kidnapped by Christians,
and now he's been kidnapped
by Christians again.
Why are you smiling?
I find God's sense of humor funny.
Well, Shmalash, what can I do?
At least he wanted to escape when
the robbers kidnapped him in Sudan.
But he wants to stay at Nitza's.
Get this.
Nitza is Christian.
Are you with me?
Nitza,
Nitza the Christian.
Come on, Shmalash, you
just enjoy hurting me.
I guess it doesn't hurt enough.
Keep your oath!
What are you waiting for, when
he's a pastor, a pope?
How can I give him to the priests now?
He's almost forty.
It's okay, Rabbi Akiva also began to
study the Torah at the age of forty.
But Rabbi Akiva was married to
Rachel, not Maria's daughter.
Here's your omelet, darling, enjoy.
-I don't want omelet, I want shrimp.
-What?
-Shrimp, shrimp…
-Ave Maria…
-Who wants some shrimp?
-I do.
There's also garlic bread
to dip in the sauce.
Sauce, amen.
-Nitza, did you bring incense?
-No, this isn't incense.
I'm vaporizing the shrimp. I'm on a diet.
Man, what you're telling me…
All these years, they kept this
gentile grandma from you?
Man, you can sue her.
She was dead when I met Tamar.
I didn't check where she was buried.
Okay, let me explain to
you what happened there.
They thought you weren't Jewish,
so they assumed you realized
they weren't Jewish as well.
And that was convenient for both sides.
You're the only one who would think
that I'm not Jewish.
Poor thing, and you've agonized over it:
why won't Tamar
bring home Jewish tradition
You see? Because she already has another
faith. She can't have another one.
No way, Mendel! Tamar is Jewish.
She… she sees herself as a Jew.
-Yes? What Jewish things does she do?
-Many things!
Wait a second, I'll Google what we can do.
No, Mendel, I don't think so.
She really likes gifelte fish and money.
That's a strong Jewish core, right?
-Oh, there's a solution.
-What is it?
It says all you need to do
is get her through conversion,
and she'll be a born-again Jew.
Are you nuts?
You want me to convert my wife?
No, not like they did to you,
with all the bloodletting and racism
and bureaucracy, of course not.
All you have to do is purify her
seven times in the ritual bath
with three kosher witnesses.
How do I convince her?
Tell her it's a spa?
Take her to the sea.
The sea is a ritual bath.
She needs to be undressed,
and that way it'll get all Christian
influences off of her, you see?
I don't see why you don't do it openly.
-I think she's going to want it.
-Yeah, right.
I'll tell her I'm having
doubts about her Judaism.
"Do you mind if I drown you naked
in front of Mendel's friends?
And she'll say: Oh, Gili,
I thought you'd never ask!
We've been able to put together
a profile of the suspect.
Fortunately,
they're not very sophisticated.
"Not sophisticated."
Maybe he wasn't expecting
there to be a criminal inquiry.
If he had known, he might have
disguised himself better…
-That piece of shit.
-Anyway,
they're probably older, a fan of the
Shadow, likely retired.
We think he's a former security official.
He has a firearm license,
which we'll find using the bullet.
Jacob, there's a little girl here.
We're going to run away
until the rage passes,
and we have to tell Gili and Tamar.
Why run? He says he's old.
How dangerous can a seventy-year-old be?
They're are the most dangerous.
They have nothing to lose.
Well, that's it, I'm going to pack.
Sir, I'm asking you not to go anywhere.
You stay here on standby.
Excuse me, officer.
How long will it take you
to locate the firearm license?
Not long at all.
No, ma'am, I'm not an association.
There are institutions for people
who need supervision.
No, he's independent, he's fine,
I just took an oath thirty years ago,
to give him to the priests,
and now I want to get it done.
Thirty years? You think God works
with 30-year-late payments?
Then what should I do, priest, Your Honor?
You must gather three priests
to cancel your oath.
How can I gather three priests?
Ma'am,
make some bull eggs and open a window.
They'll come on their own.
Jacob! Please, be kind,
come help me, please.
I'm stressed. I don't know
what I should pack for you.
What are these, old newspapers?
That's what you want to pack?
What will you do with those?
Roll them and hit the Shadow on the nose?
No, no, Nitza, it's me.
What do you mean, it's you?
I'm the Shadow we're looking for.
I sent the threat letter with the bullet.
What? Jacob, do you want to kill me?
No, to the contrary.
I wanted to protect you and myself.
I can't believe it. It's like that song.
"Who writes to you, little girl,
tell me who sends you
"a letter with a bullet
when spring comes…"
I'm sorry, Nitza, really.
Look, when you were young
and used to shout at people in the street,
I wasn't afraid.
But now your mouth got
bigger, and I've shrunk,
and I'm afraid I won't
be able to protect us.
Sweetie, you hopeless romantic,
my little golem, why didn't you
tell me you were so scared?
-Because I was afraid of you, too.
-I promise you that from now on,
I'll consult you about any post
I'm going to upload to Facebook.
Thank you, Nitza.
And if you could cancel your
complaint, I think they're on to me.
Look at this, baked pastry, salmon,
cheese, salads,
and it's all kosher.
Both delicious and kosher.
Thank God, we want for nothing.
Wow, so romantic. What is it for?
First, honey,
to tell you I love you.
Darling, I love you too.
And I don't care who, or what you are,
or where you or your family are from.
Okay, I don't care either.
That's it. How lovely.
Totally, I'm really hungry, you know?
Yes, yes, so let's go into the water.
Wait, honey, we haven't eaten yet.
The food is for later,
after we go into the sea
and the sea opens our appetite.
-Wow, the water is so nice.
-It's a bit cold, isn't it?
Not at all, feels good.
Even warm.
What are you doing?
Skinny dipping. The water feels good.
Feels good? You're shaking.
Your lips are blue.
It's a good cold.
Gets your blood flowing.
Come on, take it off.
What are they doing?
She's getting undressed.
Well, come to me.
What? Gili…
Gili, what are you doing?
Gili, have you lost your mind?
Are you trying to drown me?
No, we said we were going to dive.
I'm diving too. Let's dive together.
Gili, let go of me, I don't want to dive.
Come on, honey, three more
times and we're done, come on.
Three more times…
Alright, Gili, it's not funny,
I'm getting out.
-She has two more!
-What?
Don't make conversation.
You can't stop, otherwise we
have to do it all over again.
Who are they? What do they want?
Dive in two more times and we're done.
It's so they won't interfere
with Ma'ayan's marriage.
Come on, what do you care?
Just so there would be no doubt.
What doubt?
It's Grandma Maria, it's not your fault,
but if she's Christian, then you
are too, and so is Ma'ayan.
Grandma Miriam Cohen, born to a
dynasty of rabbis in Lodz? Are you nuts?
It's been too long. Start the
conversion from the beginning.
What con--
Gili,
did you just try to convert me?
Allegedly convent…
I will never forgive you for this.
Honey, I'm sorry.
Honey, I did it for the family.
Where are you going?
Give me my bathing suit.
This is also for the family.
Let's let everyone see that you're Jewish.
Please, bring me back my bathing suit!
Honey! I'll do anything you want!
Enjoy your meal.
It looks so disgusting.
You said you'd do whatever I want.
I want this.
Tear up his tail and open the shell.
And wipe his ass?
I can't believe I'm
eating a sea cockroach.
That reminds me
What?
Oh, yes, got it.
How do you bless it?
Creator of seafood?
-Everything was done to upset him?
-Come on, taste it.
I want you to see that God
won't punish you.
There you go.
You weren't struck by lightning,
you didn't become a pillar
of salt, nothing hit you.
No, but I feel like I'm choking, honey.
It's okay, it's just psychological.
No, I feel my tongue swelling.
Gili, are you trying to scare me?
-Honey, I can't breathe.
-What?
-Gili?
-I can't breathe.
Gili? Gili? Are you…
Call an ambulance!
-The bull eggs smell great.
-Thank you, my priest.
We've discussed matters
and decided to cancel your oath.
Thank you, God bless you.
Thank you so much.
I just have to warn you,
canceling an oath is only allowed
if the Jew in question keeps kosher.
Of course he's a kosher Jew. He's my son.
Meaning, if he's wears
non-kosher clothes, God forbid,
eats non-kosher meat,
wears a ring on his nose,
or has a dolphin tattoo on his butt.
Of course not. He's a righteous Jew.
If there's anything wrong,
I'll go to Jerusalem on a donkey.
You're taking an oath?
What's wrong with me?
But his time I'm sure.
Cancel the oath, it's on me.
Why won't you tell me
what he's allergic to?
I'm afraid I might give it to him.
Don't worry, it's not anything you cook.
Mom, I don't want to eat shrimp anymore,
because I'm afraid it
might happen to me, too.
-Did he eat shrimp?
-Sorry, Mom.
Why did I take that oath again?
Alamito, don't stop until you see the
sign "Welcome to Jerusalem."
Your route is ready. Start riding.
Okay, see you in a week.
Without an oath.
In 500 meters, turn left.
If you're such a liberal,
why didn't you ever cover my eyes
with a lace ribbon?
You want to play
pin the tail on the donkey?
Why do you always find ways
to call me a donkey?
How much do you make?
-Praise God.
-How much is "praise God" in shekels?
Praise the Lord.
How much, twenty?
No, if it were twenty,
I'd say praise the Lord forever.
How much do you make?
God help me.
It's his fantasy.
It has nothing to do with you. Play along.
A Cinderella with lice and rabies!
How do I play along with that?
What's the biggest ad agency?
-CMI?
-Yes.
-They want you, badly.
-Why?
They found you through
an American copywriter scout.
Wow, I'm flattered.
What work of mine did he see?
I'm making it up. No one from CMI called.
I'm taking a shower.
I have
to splash some cold water on myself.
Scratch off the filth,
you dirty zebra.
-Wow!
Who ordered buttered shrimp?
The insects go there.
-It's for me, thank you.
-Here.
-And here's the hamburger.
-Thank you.
I'm going to the restroom.
Oh, shit, she's insane,
and in the family group chat?
Oh, shit, come on.
Tamar, what's going on?
I'm go to the bathroom,
and you give her shrimp?
What? She asked for it.
And you're posting a photo?
My mother sees it. I bet she
wants to jump out the window,
and she lives on the third floor.
Shoot, I forgot. I'm sorry.
Here, she's texting.
What? Oh, we're doomed.
"What is Ma'ayan eating?"
"A new kind of schnitzel?
Should I buy some?"
Relax, she doesn't even know what it is.
Mom, I want another one.
-Sure, honey, here.
-What?
No way!
Honey, do you know what that is?
They're bugs of the sea.
It crawls on the sea floor
and eats other fishes' poop.
It's 90 percent poop.
But it's tasty.
Mom always lets me eat it.
-This isn't the first time?
-No way.
Mom always lets me have some
shrimp from her noodles.
Unbelievable.
It was easier to keep kosher
in Sudan than at home with you.
"For the conductor, a psalm by David…"
Honey, would you mind
if I turned on the TV?
Yes, it's Yom Kippur, show some respect.
Is that salami?
It's not salami, it's ham.
Alright, Gili, I didn't keep kosher
or fast on Yom Kippur when we met.
But why drag the girl
into your den of iniquity?
Must it shrimp?
There are many fish in the sea.
-But I like shrimp.
-Okay, lunch is over.
Would you like some ice cream?
-Yes!
-Good, honey.
You can have as much ice cream
as you want.
But non-dairy.
Mom, you're so embarrassing.
What schnitzel?
Can't you see it's shrimp?
-What?
-Oh, no.
Don't let me see it.
I don't want to vomit.
Is that shrimp?
How do you know it's shrimp?
I watch MasterChef in the US.
That's what they're showing?
I'm canceling the cable service.
I'm not surprised, actually.
I always knew if anyone converted
in this family, it would be Gili.
Shame on you! How can you say that?
It's all your fault. I remember very well.
You cooked this shrimp,
and you're going to eat it.
What did I do?
What didn't you do, you mean.
I see you've completely
forgotten about the oath.
What oath?
The one God hasn't forgotten.
Remember when we were in Sudan
and Gili was kidnapped
by Christian bandits?
Alamito, Alamito, our
donkeys have been stolen.
Oh God, Nagosa was
sleeping on the donkey.
They've kidnapped my son.
They're going to make him Christian.
They'll bring back the kid.
That kid is intolerable,
even Jesus won't have
the patience for him.
But the donkey and the food are gone.
And then you took an oath,
that if Gili came back alive,
you'd give him to the priests
to raise him to be a priest himself.
Yes, you're right.
And is this what priests eat?
Sea cockroaches?
But I sent him to a religious boarding
school. I thought it was the same.
Okay, excuse me, but I'm going
upstairs to eat in a kosher house.
Jacob, come help me, honey.
Sign in and like my post.
The first like is the most important one.
Who is it now?
The last post for the postal workers
was verging on incitement.
Do you think it make sense
to have three postal clerks
at three separate windows
when only one is on duty?
A guy went to renew his license,
and by the time he got it,
he needed to get it renewed again.
Yes, but writing that postal workers
have the IQ of an envelope,
and that a cow could do a better job
licking stamps, that's…
I never said cow,
I said cat. I said a cat
could do a better job.
I said the manager sat there and
chewed her shawarma like a cow.
Jacob, next time read what I write
carefully
and don't give me a like,
like a rubber stamp.
Let me see which service providers
you got into conflict with today.
Who's that? The Shadow?
Is he that right-wing rapper
with the lions?
Read what I wrote.
"Mr. Shadow, you truly are
dark and evil, like a shadow."
"You bring shame on our country."
"You should be sent to an asylum
and have the key thrown into the ocean."
Nitza, you're insane.
You know who you're dealing with?
It turns out that Eliran, Gili's brother,
is friends with him on Facebook
He shares his posts. You want me
to keep my mouth shut
while a family member
is joining the Shadow's army?
I wish he'd join the Shadow's army!
After what you posted,
we'll need someone on the inside
to protect us.
I'm not afraid of bullies.
But I am. You're causing trouble,
and I'm just cannon fodder.
Hey, hey there!
Why are you splashing like that? You
want me to slip and break my head?
-What barbaric behavior.
-Hey, watch your mouth.
Hang on, everybody calm down.
Take a deep breath and count to ten.
One, two, three,
four, five, six…
Okay, Jacob, I get it, I'll fix it. Here.
I'll take off "ignorant" and just leave
-"evil and primitive," okay?
-Nitza,
maybe you should add Yair Netanyahu
as a friend.
That way we'll have a backup.
Mom, calm down.
Right, Tamar ate shrimp.
You know what house she grew up in,
but Ma'ayan? God no.
What you saw in the
picture is her holding it
like a cockroach.
You can see she's disgusted by it.
Of course I sanctify shabbat, Mom.
Sometimes.
Fine, I'll hold the Friday-night blessing
at Nitza's.
With God's help, right Mom? No swearing.
Okay, God bless you, Mom. Be well.
You're really holding kiddush, Gili?
My influence on you
is greater than I thought.
We've always held the blessing.
My home is religious.
Yes, but you married an unorthodox woman.
Yes. Man, it's tough.
Tamar is just like your preachers,
you say, "come for Shabbat," right?
-Right, so?
-With her, different.
"Let's not keep kosher,"
"Let's put pepperoni on the pizza,"
"Let's watch TV on Yom Kippur."
Let's not keep going.
"Have some shrimp."
-Oh no, have you had shrimp?
-God, no.
-Is it good?
-I have no idea.
Is it meaty, like tuna?
I heard it tastes like chicken.
I don't know.
-Would you like to call Tamar and ask?
-She's an expert, right?
With that blonde hair, there must
have been some Cossack in the family.
I'd put cameras in the kitchen.
Why, you want the shrimp recipe?
No, for you,
so you can know
what she gives the girl for lunch.
Once, I suspected Sarah Rachel,
so I installed cameras in the kitchen.
Why did you suspect her?
I thought I smelled the milk soap
on the meat cutlery.
And what happened ?
I had a piece of chicken in my nose.
Sarah Rachel is a righteous woman.
No, my mom is right. I must
bring in more tradition into my home,
sanctify Shabbat, every Friday night.
You see, we never have challah on Friday.
-Nitza is always on a diet.
-Can you imagine
Nitza and Jacob
and the entire calamari family
-blessing the candles with all their arms?
-Right?
Right. I need a Jewish majority
for the Friday dinner.
Shabbat shalom. Look at this beautiful
challah, it's a brioche challah.
Oh, what a challah.
I love these challahs,
but I can't, I can't.
Take it away.
Just a small bite.
No, no, Nitza,
you don't slice before the blessing.
I'm sorry.
Here, I put it back, sorry,
Rabbi Chalachu, forgive me.
Sorry, challah.
Okay, let's begin.
Tamar, cover the challah.
Come on, Gili.
She promised not to touch it.
During kiddush, you cover the challah.
Oh, sorry. With what?
What? With a challah cover.
With the challah blanket,
like we have at home.
I don't think we have that. Mom?
-What?
-Do we have a challah cover?
What, like a challah shawl?
No, but I do have
the original bag from the
bakery shop. It's a great bag.
-No, no, anything else?
-Oh,
we have the doll's blanket.
Oh, for God's sake, Tamar,
it's Shabbat evening.
The doll is naked.
Never mind, Gili.
It's the thought that counts.
Okay, go ahead.
Jacob, you don't have a kippah.
Oh, sorry.
-There's no yarmulke in the house?
-I have that kippah
from the funeral. Should I get it?
God forbid! Funeral? That's bad luck.
Just turn it over so we don't
see the "bon appetit" stamp.
Let's begin.
The sixth day
The heaven and earth were finished,
and all their array.
On the seventh day God finished the work
that God had been doing
and God ceased on the seventh day
from the work God had done.
And God blessed the seventh day
and declared it holy,
because on it God ceased from
all the work of creation God had done.
-"With the permission of my friends!"
-Amen!
Blessed are you, our God…
A Song of Ascents,
-I will lift up mine eyes…
-Nitza, Nitza…
This is a prayer,
not Saturday-night karaoke.
Karaoke? God, no.
You're singing, so I'm singing.
There's no choir. This isn't a church.
-God forbid, not a church.
-Why "God forbid," Alamito?
Excuse me, in this house,
we respect all religions.
Not like Eliran's guru, the Shadow,
who wants to expel any non-Jew.
He just wrote this is a Jewish
state, in case you've forgotten.
-Don't you think it is?
-No,
I think it's a state of all its citizens.
Then why not give citizenship to anyone?
Come on, Eliran.
I'll give citizenship
to anyone who needs help.
Did you know my grandma Mary was saved
by Christians during the holocaust?
-Grandma Mary?
-Yes, our grandmother, Maria.
She went to church, she did all
the rituals, she would pray…
They say that when her mother came
to her after the Shoah,
she didn't even recognize her.
She said: "Go away, Jewish woman,"
She wouldn't go.
She clung to a Christmas tree.
Once they managed to get her down,
she ran to the confessional.
Oh, my God.
What a story… I didn't know
your family was forcefully converted.
Jews in Ethiopia were
also forced to convert to Christianity.
Forced? She loved it!
She has wonderful
memories from Christianity.
She used to always tell me that my
holidays, I mean, the holidays of… no…
that their holidays are better than ours.
I also have a cross she carved herself,
which she received after being baptized.
I'll go get it. Wait.
Did she go get a cross for kiddush?
Wait, forgive me, righteous people here.
Nitza, let's finish the blessing first,
before we bring in the cross.
Oh, Dad, remember how much Grandma Mary
loved ham?
-She always had some in the fridge.
-Yes, but it wasn't easy.
We had to drive to the Mizra Kibbutz.
Right, right,
and I used to pet the pig,
until I realized we were eating them.
And I cried…
Here, I found it.
Look at this beautiful cross.
It's a work of art.
I'm going to take a picture with the cross
-and send it to the Shadow.
-No, wait, Nitza.
I'm not doing Friday night
with a Sunday cross.
You're entering a lion's den.
Come on, Dad, she can't help it.
She won't calm down
until she gets a bullet in an envelope.
-Nitza.
-What?
Could you please put your phone down?
Forgive me, Rabbi Chalachu. Here.
Blessed are You, Eternal God,
who sanctifies the Sabbath.
Amen. Are we done with the ceremony?
Can I take a picture with the cross now?
Okay.
-Shabbat Shalom.
-Shabbat Shalom.
What's that? Mail on Saturday?
Jacob, Jacob, come quickly!
Someone wants to assassinate me!
Yes!
I'm coming!
What happened?
Who wants to assassinate you?
I don't know! Why would anyone want to
do such a thing? I have no enemies.
Nitza, it looks like a threat
letter. You were marked by someone.
Why? What am I, the godfather?
-Have you upset anyone recently?
-No way. You know me, I'm a gentle woman.
Maybe on Facebook?
Oh no, maybe it's… It's the Shadow.
Nitza, I warned you
not to mess with these people.
Jacob, say…
Aren't these letters
from the Globes paper?
No, come on, it's not from Globes.
Yes, Jacob, look carefully,
these are letters taken from Globes.
It can't be the Shadow.
You think he reads Globes?
What does it matter? What matters
is that they're threatening you.
Do you realize who you're dealing with?
-Yes, I got it.
-Thank God.
You should never be afraid
of these people! You can't show them fear.
If they see your fear,
they'll start a fire.
On the contrary, they'll leave us
alone and go read their Globes.
-I know them.
-Who is "them"?
Not "them." I know this type of person.
Nitza, please. Keep a low profile.
No, I won't keep a low profile!
This is a country of laws.
I'm going to the police.
No police.
What could the police do? They have
no clue. They'll just blame
-Roman Zadorov again.
-Listen, there are many clues here.
We already know he reads Globes.
We have his bullet,
and third, he must have left a lot
of fingerprints on the envelope.
Nitza,
we've all touched this letter already.
There are many fingerprints,
mine and yours.
They could claim you've sent
the letter to yourself.
You see how God is?
You didn't keep your oath after
Gili was kidnapped by Christians,
and now he's been kidnapped
by Christians again.
Why are you smiling?
I find God's sense of humor funny.
Well, Shmalash, what can I do?
At least he wanted to escape when
the robbers kidnapped him in Sudan.
But he wants to stay at Nitza's.
Get this.
Nitza is Christian.
Are you with me?
Nitza,
Nitza the Christian.
Come on, Shmalash, you
just enjoy hurting me.
I guess it doesn't hurt enough.
Keep your oath!
What are you waiting for, when
he's a pastor, a pope?
How can I give him to the priests now?
He's almost forty.
It's okay, Rabbi Akiva also began to
study the Torah at the age of forty.
But Rabbi Akiva was married to
Rachel, not Maria's daughter.
Here's your omelet, darling, enjoy.
-I don't want omelet, I want shrimp.
-What?
-Shrimp, shrimp…
-Ave Maria…
-Who wants some shrimp?
-I do.
There's also garlic bread
to dip in the sauce.
Sauce, amen.
-Nitza, did you bring incense?
-No, this isn't incense.
I'm vaporizing the shrimp. I'm on a diet.
Man, what you're telling me…
All these years, they kept this
gentile grandma from you?
Man, you can sue her.
She was dead when I met Tamar.
I didn't check where she was buried.
Okay, let me explain to
you what happened there.
They thought you weren't Jewish,
so they assumed you realized
they weren't Jewish as well.
And that was convenient for both sides.
You're the only one who would think
that I'm not Jewish.
Poor thing, and you've agonized over it:
why won't Tamar
bring home Jewish tradition
You see? Because she already has another
faith. She can't have another one.
No way, Mendel! Tamar is Jewish.
She… she sees herself as a Jew.
-Yes? What Jewish things does she do?
-Many things!
Wait a second, I'll Google what we can do.
No, Mendel, I don't think so.
She really likes gifelte fish and money.
That's a strong Jewish core, right?
-Oh, there's a solution.
-What is it?
It says all you need to do
is get her through conversion,
and she'll be a born-again Jew.
Are you nuts?
You want me to convert my wife?
No, not like they did to you,
with all the bloodletting and racism
and bureaucracy, of course not.
All you have to do is purify her
seven times in the ritual bath
with three kosher witnesses.
How do I convince her?
Tell her it's a spa?
Take her to the sea.
The sea is a ritual bath.
She needs to be undressed,
and that way it'll get all Christian
influences off of her, you see?
I don't see why you don't do it openly.
-I think she's going to want it.
-Yeah, right.
I'll tell her I'm having
doubts about her Judaism.
"Do you mind if I drown you naked
in front of Mendel's friends?
And she'll say: Oh, Gili,
I thought you'd never ask!
We've been able to put together
a profile of the suspect.
Fortunately,
they're not very sophisticated.
"Not sophisticated."
Maybe he wasn't expecting
there to be a criminal inquiry.
If he had known, he might have
disguised himself better…
-That piece of shit.
-Anyway,
they're probably older, a fan of the
Shadow, likely retired.
We think he's a former security official.
He has a firearm license,
which we'll find using the bullet.
Jacob, there's a little girl here.
We're going to run away
until the rage passes,
and we have to tell Gili and Tamar.
Why run? He says he's old.
How dangerous can a seventy-year-old be?
They're are the most dangerous.
They have nothing to lose.
Well, that's it, I'm going to pack.
Sir, I'm asking you not to go anywhere.
You stay here on standby.
Excuse me, officer.
How long will it take you
to locate the firearm license?
Not long at all.
No, ma'am, I'm not an association.
There are institutions for people
who need supervision.
No, he's independent, he's fine,
I just took an oath thirty years ago,
to give him to the priests,
and now I want to get it done.
Thirty years? You think God works
with 30-year-late payments?
Then what should I do, priest, Your Honor?
You must gather three priests
to cancel your oath.
How can I gather three priests?
Ma'am,
make some bull eggs and open a window.
They'll come on their own.
Jacob! Please, be kind,
come help me, please.
I'm stressed. I don't know
what I should pack for you.
What are these, old newspapers?
That's what you want to pack?
What will you do with those?
Roll them and hit the Shadow on the nose?
No, no, Nitza, it's me.
What do you mean, it's you?
I'm the Shadow we're looking for.
I sent the threat letter with the bullet.
What? Jacob, do you want to kill me?
No, to the contrary.
I wanted to protect you and myself.
I can't believe it. It's like that song.
"Who writes to you, little girl,
tell me who sends you
"a letter with a bullet
when spring comes…"
I'm sorry, Nitza, really.
Look, when you were young
and used to shout at people in the street,
I wasn't afraid.
But now your mouth got
bigger, and I've shrunk,
and I'm afraid I won't
be able to protect us.
Sweetie, you hopeless romantic,
my little golem, why didn't you
tell me you were so scared?
-Because I was afraid of you, too.
-I promise you that from now on,
I'll consult you about any post
I'm going to upload to Facebook.
Thank you, Nitza.
And if you could cancel your
complaint, I think they're on to me.
Look at this, baked pastry, salmon,
cheese, salads,
and it's all kosher.
Both delicious and kosher.
Thank God, we want for nothing.
Wow, so romantic. What is it for?
First, honey,
to tell you I love you.
Darling, I love you too.
And I don't care who, or what you are,
or where you or your family are from.
Okay, I don't care either.
That's it. How lovely.
Totally, I'm really hungry, you know?
Yes, yes, so let's go into the water.
Wait, honey, we haven't eaten yet.
The food is for later,
after we go into the sea
and the sea opens our appetite.
-Wow, the water is so nice.
-It's a bit cold, isn't it?
Not at all, feels good.
Even warm.
What are you doing?
Skinny dipping. The water feels good.
Feels good? You're shaking.
Your lips are blue.
It's a good cold.
Gets your blood flowing.
Come on, take it off.
What are they doing?
She's getting undressed.
Well, come to me.
What? Gili…
Gili, what are you doing?
Gili, have you lost your mind?
Are you trying to drown me?
No, we said we were going to dive.
I'm diving too. Let's dive together.
Gili, let go of me, I don't want to dive.
Come on, honey, three more
times and we're done, come on.
Three more times…
Alright, Gili, it's not funny,
I'm getting out.
-She has two more!
-What?
Don't make conversation.
You can't stop, otherwise we
have to do it all over again.
Who are they? What do they want?
Dive in two more times and we're done.
It's so they won't interfere
with Ma'ayan's marriage.
Come on, what do you care?
Just so there would be no doubt.
What doubt?
It's Grandma Maria, it's not your fault,
but if she's Christian, then you
are too, and so is Ma'ayan.
Grandma Miriam Cohen, born to a
dynasty of rabbis in Lodz? Are you nuts?
It's been too long. Start the
conversion from the beginning.
What con--
Gili,
did you just try to convert me?
Allegedly convent…
I will never forgive you for this.
Honey, I'm sorry.
Honey, I did it for the family.
Where are you going?
Give me my bathing suit.
This is also for the family.
Let's let everyone see that you're Jewish.
Please, bring me back my bathing suit!
Honey! I'll do anything you want!
Enjoy your meal.
It looks so disgusting.
You said you'd do whatever I want.
I want this.
Tear up his tail and open the shell.
And wipe his ass?
I can't believe I'm
eating a sea cockroach.
That reminds me
What?
Oh, yes, got it.
How do you bless it?
Creator of seafood?
-Everything was done to upset him?
-Come on, taste it.
I want you to see that God
won't punish you.
There you go.
You weren't struck by lightning,
you didn't become a pillar
of salt, nothing hit you.
No, but I feel like I'm choking, honey.
It's okay, it's just psychological.
No, I feel my tongue swelling.
Gili, are you trying to scare me?
-Honey, I can't breathe.
-What?
-Gili?
-I can't breathe.
Gili? Gili? Are you…
Call an ambulance!
-The bull eggs smell great.
-Thank you, my priest.
We've discussed matters
and decided to cancel your oath.
Thank you, God bless you.
Thank you so much.
I just have to warn you,
canceling an oath is only allowed
if the Jew in question keeps kosher.
Of course he's a kosher Jew. He's my son.
Meaning, if he's wears
non-kosher clothes, God forbid,
eats non-kosher meat,
wears a ring on his nose,
or has a dolphin tattoo on his butt.
Of course not. He's a righteous Jew.
If there's anything wrong,
I'll go to Jerusalem on a donkey.
You're taking an oath?
What's wrong with me?
But his time I'm sure.
Cancel the oath, it's on me.
Why won't you tell me
what he's allergic to?
I'm afraid I might give it to him.
Don't worry, it's not anything you cook.
Mom, I don't want to eat shrimp anymore,
because I'm afraid it
might happen to me, too.
-Did he eat shrimp?
-Sorry, Mom.
Why did I take that oath again?
Alamito, don't stop until you see the
sign "Welcome to Jerusalem."
Your route is ready. Start riding.
Okay, see you in a week.
Without an oath.
In 500 meters, turn left.
If you're such a liberal,
why didn't you ever cover my eyes
with a lace ribbon?
You want to play
pin the tail on the donkey?
Why do you always find ways
to call me a donkey?
How much do you make?
-Praise God.
-How much is "praise God" in shekels?
Praise the Lord.
How much, twenty?
No, if it were twenty,
I'd say praise the Lord forever.
How much do you make?
God help me.
It's his fantasy.
It has nothing to do with you. Play along.
A Cinderella with lice and rabies!
How do I play along with that?
What's the biggest ad agency?
-CMI?
-Yes.
-They want you, badly.
-Why?
They found you through
an American copywriter scout.
Wow, I'm flattered.
What work of mine did he see?
I'm making it up. No one from CMI called.
I'm taking a shower.
I have
to splash some cold water on myself.
Scratch off the filth,
you dirty zebra.