Neighbors from Hell (2010): Season 1, Episode 4 - Screw the EPA - full transcript
Hey, gang.
What's the one thing
that everybody loves?
Chardonnay!
B-b-boy rumps!
Fire!
Pancakes!
Scatological pornography.
[ slurping ]
[ gulps ]
No.
Riddles!
What do you call
a dream date with a fish?
Dad, don't do this.
♪ "salmon-chanted"
evening ♪
Yay! [ laughs ]
I'm gonna use these riddles
to break the ice
With the other members
of the drill team.
Once I gain their confidence
through humor,
I'll destroy the drill,
save hell,
And we can all finally go home!
Yay, riddles!
I've got a riddle, everybody.
What's 16 years old
and gets hotter every day?
A Jonas brother?
[ giggles ]
I think the one with diabetes
is the sweetest!
I think Tina
was referring to...
Our marriage!
Ta-da!
[ smooching ]
[ moans pleasurably ]
I've got a very
special surprise planned
For our anniversary, Balthy.
Ooh, surprises make me crazy!
In a good way.
What's green and well-rested
and leaving with riddles?
Me!
♪ this is the story
'bout a demon from hell ♪
♪ his job was torture,
he tortured so well ♪
♪ then he watched
some illegal tv ♪
♪ and satan launched him
to earth to save hell ♪
♪ from a drill that could
destroy them permanently ♪
♪ these are your neighbors
from hell ♪
♪ you are
the neighbors from hell ♪
♪ we are
your neighbors from hell ♪
Hey, Chevdet.
You know, I was just thinking, riddles
are a great way to meet people.
And we're such good bros
That I'd love to bro down more
with your drill team
Through the magic of riddlery.
Why did the spider
go on the computer?
To check his website.
[ both laugh ]
Oh, I love these riddles, son.
And I know the team will, too.
Look alive, d-bags!
I'm back from my honeymoon
with my latest future ex-wife.
Allegra and I spent two weeks
in the australian outback
Hunting baby kangaroos.
Nothing says
"till death do us part"
Like jamming tnt
into a Joey pouch.
Boom! That's love.
I give it a month.
You jackals ready
for our big e.P.A. Circle jerk?
Do I have time
to use the restroom first?
I drank way too much
sunny d this morning!
Hurry up, boy.
And you're gonna
want to use the restroom
On the women's lib floor
downstairs.
We had a fecal freakout
this morning.
It looks a chocolate factory
in there,
One you don't want
a golden ticket to.
No offense, Chevdet.
Uh, excuse me, which one of
these is the men's bathroom?
This one looks like
a chef holding cantaloupes,
And -- and this one resembles
a doctor doing pilates.
It's pretty obvious.
Have your patriarchal ways
blinded you that much?
Cantaloupes, pilates.
Cantaloupes, pilates.
Canta-- I gotta pee!
[ zipper unzips ]
[ urinates ]
Aah!
Tinkles, tinkles,
tinkles, tinkles.
[ toilet flushes ]
[ spits ]
Mm.
Mama likey.
Take a seat, everyone.
The e.P.A. Is sending over
their top dog
To review our plan
for the marshlands,
So I want all paper cups and
plastic bottles and deodorant
Off the table and in the trash.
Men, put on those hemp vests.
Women --
Oh, who am I kidding?
This is an executive meeting.
There are no women here.
But there is one vagina.
Right, Marty?
[ whimpers ]
Excuse me,
did someone say vagina?
Alex, you old warbitch.
Keep it in your pants, Don,
Or I'll bite it off for good.
Let me get my papers
out of my lady briefcase
And get this party started.
Don, your plan to build
preschools on toxic marshlands
Can lick my outbox.
We refuse approval and demand
you relocate immediately.
Alex, this is a very important
project for us.
Now, everybody's got a price.
Hit me with yours.
Don, if you don't
shut your face,
I'll beat you with my beaver.
His name's Terry,
and he's in a "terry-ble" mood.
Aren't ya, Terry?
[ crunching ]
oh, that reminds me.
I owe bill Clinton a call.
[ Balthazor sneezes ]
I'm sorry.
I'm -- I'm allergic to beaver.
Sounds familiar, huh, Marty?
Hey, wild hog.
We meet again.
Do we know each other?
Yeah. You were hanging your rat
in the ladies' hand sink.
I find that
bold and intriguing.
I'll tell you what, Don.
I changed my mind.
Send the big guy here
to pitch me in private,
And I'll consider
your marshland proposal.
Now if you'll excuse me,
I have to go spank my beaver.
He ate my luna bar.
Bad, Terry.
[ door closes ]
Hot corn!
All right, Hellman,
you heard the man.
Get your pitching panties on.
But, sir,
I-I don't know anything
about the marshland project.
Why me?
Don't know, don't care.
Get it done or you're fired.
Aw, for the love of Ray j!
So, as you can see,
The Petromundo preschool
would be ideally situated
On these super-safe,
cancer-free marshlands.
Like this.
Tell me more,
but sit on my lap.
We spent lots of time and money
cleaning up this land
After that little nuclear
mishap last spring.
Hey, look.
What does it seem like
these two figurines are doing?
Trying to start a fire
with their hips?
Now, that's one way
of putting it.
This one looks like
it has jelly doughnut on it.
Let me clean it off for you.
[ moaning ]
Yeah, that's getting clean.
I'll suck the paint right off
this preschool figurine.
You know
what I'm saying, right?
Uh...
Not really?
Oh, no, the figurine's cold.
I better warm it up
in my jungle cave.
Yeah, spelunk away,
little figurine.
Um, anyway,
back to the marshlands.
Yeah, you want to talk
about marshlands?
Why don't you clean up
my marshlands?
You can start
with the bat problem.
Oh! Mm! Yeah!
W-want to hear a riddle?
I don't care.
Just keep talkin'.
Okay.
This is a good one.
What kind of bank has no money?
Washington mutual.
Well, here's a ride for you.
What has two thumbs,
is hot and bothered,
And has a plastic figurine
in her uterus
That she wants to replace
with your figurine
In exchange for e.P.A. Approval
of those marshlands?
Uh...
This guy.
Hey, hon bun brigade!
Guess who scored tickets
to witness an execution
For our anniversary
tomorrow night?
Me! It'll be just like
our first date.
Remember how we watched
Andy gibb get tortured
By his own music?
And you held my hand
for the first time?
That was the most romantic night
of my life.
Yeah, yeah.
That -- that was fun.
Hey, I thought
you'd be more excited.
I thought he'd be
more excited too, frankly.
Uncle Vlaartark and I
even learned a song.
♪ love is the love,
I love the loveliest ♪
♪ you are my love,
I love the loveliest ♪
Whoo!
Sorry, guys.
Awesome jam.
It's just that
something really weird
Happened at work today.
Me and my stupid riddles.
Yeah, this string cheese
Should come with a surgeon
general's warning --
"may drop
too many underpants!"
Balthazor,
what are you talking about?
I'm supposed to make love
to a business associate
Tomorrow night
or else I get fired.
Ooh. New idea for a song,
goblin!
♪ panty drop, panty drop,
panty drop fever now ♪
♪ let your panties drop on me ♪
♪ panty drop fever ♪
Ooh!
Let's rock that riff
in the kitchen!
Well, that's all right.
We'll just do an execution
another time.
I can't have sex with some giant
random businesslady.
Oh, it's fine, Balthy.
It's for the mission.
Just do it
and get it over with.
Humans still haven't discovered
The real way
to have sex, anyways.
I'll be cheating.
I'll feel so guilty.
Fine.
Listen, if it makes you
feel better, I'll just
Take Diondre to the execution
and have sex with him.
What?
Who's Diondre?
[ lisping ] I likes playing
tennis with your family!
He's giving us all lessons.
It's so fun.
40/love!
[ glass shatters, cat yowls,
car alarm activates ]
Ain't nothin' wrong with
your ground strokes, girl.
You don't need
to sleep with Diondre.
I won't feel guilty.
I know you, Balthy.
You're gonna feel guilty,
And then I'm gonna feel guilty
that you're feeling guilty
Because I didn't have the guts
To go and throw down
with Diondre.
What?
Damn it, Balthy, I love you,
And my anniversary gift to you
Is plowing Diondre
to kingdom come!
Thank you?
[ beeping ]
What are you guys doing?
The goblin keeps fussing
That it's so much colder here
than hell.
I thought we'd warm him up
while making popcorn.
♪ turning up the heat, y'all ♪
♪ turning up the heat ♪ ooh!
Uncle Vlaartark, I need advice
on seducing Alex the executive
As fast as possible.
Like "hitch."
I have to get it done quickly
So I make it to my date
with Tina
Before she has sex
with Diondre.
Mm.
Welcome to the encyclopedia
sextanica.
First things first --
We must do something
about your wardrobe.
[ explosion ]
Uh, guess I should have
taken out my prince Albert.
[ bell dings,
electricity buzzing ]
Come on,
let's go get some grubbin'
Before we get to rubbin'.
[ slap! ]
Hellman!
What in God's name are you doing
dressed like that in public?
You look like al Pacino
in "cruising."
I'm on a date, sir,
with Alex from the e.P.A.
[ screams ] I'm gonna
have sex with her quickly
To get the marshland preschool
approved,
Then meet up with my wife
to celebrate our anniversary.
You want something that'll
help your date go faster?
Yes, yes, yes.
These are from Petromundo's
toy recall last year.
We call 'em blackout beads.
Bad for kids
But good for making 'em,
if you catch my drift.
Hmm? Hmm?
You crazy s.O.B.!
Those were for your date!
Keep up this behavior,
And we'll all be working
for you one day.
That is, if we survive
the robot uprising.
[ thunder crashes ]
Thank you for escorting me,
Diondre.
Hey, wait a minute.
This is like a real execution?
I thought this was gonna be like
a club called execution.
Isn't it romantic?
Balthy would have loved this.
Here, would you mind putting
this bag over your head?
It won't be the first time
Diondre brown bagged it.
Oh!
Ooh, here he comes!
And he definitely
looks guilty!
Open the white burgundy,
balthy!
I mean, Diondre.
This is not a memory
future Diondre will cherish.
Welcome to the George foreman
grill grille.
My name is George.
What can I get you
to drink tonight?
I'll have bourbon
on the rocks -- his rocks.
Pour it on his crotch, and I'll
lap it up like a stray cat.
Me-ow.
Ohh.
And for you, sir?
Why is this menu
threatening me with a knife?
Chicken beast!
Just bring us a spit bucket
and some bactine.
This guy's about to go 50 rounds
with my "va-j.J. Abrams."
I am sorry, Tina,
But a brother can only take
so much for a casual encounter.
It's back to jdate for Diondre.
[ electricity crackles ]
Aah! Aah!
♪ love is here, love is there ♪
♪ our love is everywhere ♪
♪ love is all around,
love is all around us, baby ♪
♪ love is here, love is there ♪
♪ our love is everywhere ♪
♪ love is all around ♪
Aah!
♪ love is all around ♪
♪ baby, I will treat you right ♪
♪ you know I got it goin' on ♪
♪ I don't want to be
the only one believing ♪
♪ I don't want to be
the one who said goodbye ♪
[ record scratches ]
what am I doing here?
I should be with my man
on our special night!
[ babbling ]
Yeah, you like getting weird
in that grill?
I got something else that'll
leave some marks on your meat.
Are you ignoring me?
No!
[ babbling ]
Marshlands.
You sure get sloppy quick
after one cosmo.
Should I call you Miranda?
'cause I would've made love
to Miranda --
All that red hair and sass.
What do I need to do
to get your attention, big boy?
[ whimpers ]
No!
So evil!
They are naughty, aren't they?
Marshland!
Get to drill!
Is that what you want?
You wanna drill me
at the marshlands?
That would be kind of a thrill,
wouldn't it,
You sadistic hot mess?
Marshlands!
I'll take my dinner
in a doggie bag,
And can we put my date
in the trunk?
Ah, yes.
Uh, we need
a Matthew McConaughey special!
[ bell dings ]
Diondre, get your whip
And "tokyo drift" me
out of here!
I've got to stop Balthazor!
Oh, snap, jealous female!
It's "fast and furious" time!
Yeah!
[ tires screech, engine revs ]
My whip
is not death proof, Tina!
[ horn honks ]
Aah!
[ tires screech, horn honks ]
Do you still have
that bag, by chance?
[ vomits ]
Huh? Where am I?
[ babbling ]
[ thud! ]
[ slap! Slap! Slap! ]
I'm in the back of the car!
What the...
What are we doing
at the marshlands?
Did we sign the papers?
Not yet.
We're just about
to seal the deal.
[ flies buzzing ]
Am I still hallucinating
Or does this duck have
a gorgeous set of teeth?
All the animals
are mutants here,
Thanks to you
and your precious company.
Really? And --
and that doesn't bother you?
Nah, I'm dead inside
After everything
these eyes have witnessed.
[ monkeys shriek ]
[ sobs ]
[ sobs ]
[ sobs ]
Do you know what it's like
To breast-feed
a dying baby oyster
Because the oceans
are so poisoned?
I can't even imagine.
Ah, it's horrible.
No one cares about
the environment except al Gore,
And no one listens to him
because he's a chubby gay.
I used to care,
But you have no idea
how evil humanity can be.
Actually, I do have a fairly
decent background with that.
But you can change the world.
Don't give up.
Excuse me, pot to kettle.
Over.
You're having sex with me
To turn these poison marshes
into preschools.
It's not worth it!
These marshes are precious,
And preschool children
are precious.
And you know what?
My marriage is precious!
So much preciousness!
Deal off!
No! Pants off!
[ moaning, smooching ]
My Balthazor hun bun bun
is here.
I can smell him.
[ tires screech ]
Get your own damn man!
[ martial arts music plays ]
No powers, Tina!
[ siren wails ] look at our faces!
We all look the same!
[ wailing stops,
car doors slam ]
What do you think, Erica?
Should we break 'em up?
Naw, let's see if one of
their tops comes off first.
Yeah!
Ah, Erica,
you're such a lezzie cop.
I got to break it up.
All right, ladies, enough fun.
She's not human!
She has a tail!
She was flying!
Sounds like
you're flying, lady.
Why don't you fly with us
down to the station
For a blood test?
I'm going to come back
and kill you all in your sleep
With my irritable beaver!
Did someone say
"irritable beaver"?
Hellman, what the hell
is going on here?
Why aren't you knee deep in Alex
sealing the deal?
Sir, I was going to,
and then I realized
We cannot put a school
on a toxic wasteland
Because there's something
more precious going on here.
[ squeaking ]
Hot corn!
It looks like mother nature
forgot her kotex.
I don't know how you do it.
I give you the task of getting
the marshlands approved,
And somehow you find oil!
Well done, Hellman.
I'm promoting you
To senior adviser
to the regional vice president
Of international mergers
and acquisitions,
Analysis and integration...
"senior adviser
to the regional..."
There it is.
Oh, how did I manage
to get promoted
Even farther from the drill?
Balthy,
I'm sorry I got so jealous.
I guess picturing you
with another woman
Made me more emotional
than I expected.
Sounds like
a human thing to say.
Do humans kiss like this?
♪ you are my marsh ♪
♪ you are my land ♪
♪ I am your home ♪
♪ you are my ham ♪
Both: ♪ together we will make
some sweet love together ♪
♪ together ♪
♪ anniversary sweet love
together ♪
Ooh!
Yes!
Nailed it!
Oh, yeah, we nailed it!
[ laughter ]
What is a vegan demon's
favorite food?
Ooh, ooh, ooh!
Guess right here!
The fake meat
made from wheat gluten --
Seitan!
[ giggles ]
That's my name.
Don't wear it out.
[ laughter ]
Shut your mouths!
My jokes are for me only!
And mister mister. Mm.
[ coos ]
Justify your lives!
Well, I got a promotion
And learned that sexual
harassment in the workplace
Is very real.
It's incredible how far physical
relations can get you up here.
Wait, wait, wait --
Are you saying that sex
has power on earth?
Yes!
Well, this is all news to me.
Yeah?
No, silly!
Sex fuels the underworld!
Who do you think invented it?
Ooh, the Kardashian
with the big badonkadonk?
You mean like all of them?
[ laughs ]
Actually, I'm rather keen on
that one who looks like a man.
She can back that thing up
All over Necromuncula's
dirty little face.
Noooo, rude.
Get to that drill!
I'm serious.
This is my serious face.
I've got to go.
My apple Newton just booted up.
I might play this new game
called tetris!
Satan out.
Happy anniversary, balthy.
Maybe we should skip
the rest of dinner
And have dessert upstairs.
Oh-ho-ho-ho.
[ gulps ]
Do with me as you wish, milady.
Looks like you have a date
with the beach boys
And some good vibrations.
[ laughs ]
Oh, Uncle Vlaartark!
I love you, guys!
[ vomits ]
Together:
We love you, too!
What's the one thing
that everybody loves?
Chardonnay!
B-b-boy rumps!
Fire!
Pancakes!
Scatological pornography.
[ slurping ]
[ gulps ]
No.
Riddles!
What do you call
a dream date with a fish?
Dad, don't do this.
♪ "salmon-chanted"
evening ♪
Yay! [ laughs ]
I'm gonna use these riddles
to break the ice
With the other members
of the drill team.
Once I gain their confidence
through humor,
I'll destroy the drill,
save hell,
And we can all finally go home!
Yay, riddles!
I've got a riddle, everybody.
What's 16 years old
and gets hotter every day?
A Jonas brother?
[ giggles ]
I think the one with diabetes
is the sweetest!
I think Tina
was referring to...
Our marriage!
Ta-da!
[ smooching ]
[ moans pleasurably ]
I've got a very
special surprise planned
For our anniversary, Balthy.
Ooh, surprises make me crazy!
In a good way.
What's green and well-rested
and leaving with riddles?
Me!
♪ this is the story
'bout a demon from hell ♪
♪ his job was torture,
he tortured so well ♪
♪ then he watched
some illegal tv ♪
♪ and satan launched him
to earth to save hell ♪
♪ from a drill that could
destroy them permanently ♪
♪ these are your neighbors
from hell ♪
♪ you are
the neighbors from hell ♪
♪ we are
your neighbors from hell ♪
Hey, Chevdet.
You know, I was just thinking, riddles
are a great way to meet people.
And we're such good bros
That I'd love to bro down more
with your drill team
Through the magic of riddlery.
Why did the spider
go on the computer?
To check his website.
[ both laugh ]
Oh, I love these riddles, son.
And I know the team will, too.
Look alive, d-bags!
I'm back from my honeymoon
with my latest future ex-wife.
Allegra and I spent two weeks
in the australian outback
Hunting baby kangaroos.
Nothing says
"till death do us part"
Like jamming tnt
into a Joey pouch.
Boom! That's love.
I give it a month.
You jackals ready
for our big e.P.A. Circle jerk?
Do I have time
to use the restroom first?
I drank way too much
sunny d this morning!
Hurry up, boy.
And you're gonna
want to use the restroom
On the women's lib floor
downstairs.
We had a fecal freakout
this morning.
It looks a chocolate factory
in there,
One you don't want
a golden ticket to.
No offense, Chevdet.
Uh, excuse me, which one of
these is the men's bathroom?
This one looks like
a chef holding cantaloupes,
And -- and this one resembles
a doctor doing pilates.
It's pretty obvious.
Have your patriarchal ways
blinded you that much?
Cantaloupes, pilates.
Cantaloupes, pilates.
Canta-- I gotta pee!
[ zipper unzips ]
[ urinates ]
Aah!
Tinkles, tinkles,
tinkles, tinkles.
[ toilet flushes ]
[ spits ]
Mm.
Mama likey.
Take a seat, everyone.
The e.P.A. Is sending over
their top dog
To review our plan
for the marshlands,
So I want all paper cups and
plastic bottles and deodorant
Off the table and in the trash.
Men, put on those hemp vests.
Women --
Oh, who am I kidding?
This is an executive meeting.
There are no women here.
But there is one vagina.
Right, Marty?
[ whimpers ]
Excuse me,
did someone say vagina?
Alex, you old warbitch.
Keep it in your pants, Don,
Or I'll bite it off for good.
Let me get my papers
out of my lady briefcase
And get this party started.
Don, your plan to build
preschools on toxic marshlands
Can lick my outbox.
We refuse approval and demand
you relocate immediately.
Alex, this is a very important
project for us.
Now, everybody's got a price.
Hit me with yours.
Don, if you don't
shut your face,
I'll beat you with my beaver.
His name's Terry,
and he's in a "terry-ble" mood.
Aren't ya, Terry?
[ crunching ]
oh, that reminds me.
I owe bill Clinton a call.
[ Balthazor sneezes ]
I'm sorry.
I'm -- I'm allergic to beaver.
Sounds familiar, huh, Marty?
Hey, wild hog.
We meet again.
Do we know each other?
Yeah. You were hanging your rat
in the ladies' hand sink.
I find that
bold and intriguing.
I'll tell you what, Don.
I changed my mind.
Send the big guy here
to pitch me in private,
And I'll consider
your marshland proposal.
Now if you'll excuse me,
I have to go spank my beaver.
He ate my luna bar.
Bad, Terry.
[ door closes ]
Hot corn!
All right, Hellman,
you heard the man.
Get your pitching panties on.
But, sir,
I-I don't know anything
about the marshland project.
Why me?
Don't know, don't care.
Get it done or you're fired.
Aw, for the love of Ray j!
So, as you can see,
The Petromundo preschool
would be ideally situated
On these super-safe,
cancer-free marshlands.
Like this.
Tell me more,
but sit on my lap.
We spent lots of time and money
cleaning up this land
After that little nuclear
mishap last spring.
Hey, look.
What does it seem like
these two figurines are doing?
Trying to start a fire
with their hips?
Now, that's one way
of putting it.
This one looks like
it has jelly doughnut on it.
Let me clean it off for you.
[ moaning ]
Yeah, that's getting clean.
I'll suck the paint right off
this preschool figurine.
You know
what I'm saying, right?
Uh...
Not really?
Oh, no, the figurine's cold.
I better warm it up
in my jungle cave.
Yeah, spelunk away,
little figurine.
Um, anyway,
back to the marshlands.
Yeah, you want to talk
about marshlands?
Why don't you clean up
my marshlands?
You can start
with the bat problem.
Oh! Mm! Yeah!
W-want to hear a riddle?
I don't care.
Just keep talkin'.
Okay.
This is a good one.
What kind of bank has no money?
Washington mutual.
Well, here's a ride for you.
What has two thumbs,
is hot and bothered,
And has a plastic figurine
in her uterus
That she wants to replace
with your figurine
In exchange for e.P.A. Approval
of those marshlands?
Uh...
This guy.
Hey, hon bun brigade!
Guess who scored tickets
to witness an execution
For our anniversary
tomorrow night?
Me! It'll be just like
our first date.
Remember how we watched
Andy gibb get tortured
By his own music?
And you held my hand
for the first time?
That was the most romantic night
of my life.
Yeah, yeah.
That -- that was fun.
Hey, I thought
you'd be more excited.
I thought he'd be
more excited too, frankly.
Uncle Vlaartark and I
even learned a song.
♪ love is the love,
I love the loveliest ♪
♪ you are my love,
I love the loveliest ♪
Whoo!
Sorry, guys.
Awesome jam.
It's just that
something really weird
Happened at work today.
Me and my stupid riddles.
Yeah, this string cheese
Should come with a surgeon
general's warning --
"may drop
too many underpants!"
Balthazor,
what are you talking about?
I'm supposed to make love
to a business associate
Tomorrow night
or else I get fired.
Ooh. New idea for a song,
goblin!
♪ panty drop, panty drop,
panty drop fever now ♪
♪ let your panties drop on me ♪
♪ panty drop fever ♪
Ooh!
Let's rock that riff
in the kitchen!
Well, that's all right.
We'll just do an execution
another time.
I can't have sex with some giant
random businesslady.
Oh, it's fine, Balthy.
It's for the mission.
Just do it
and get it over with.
Humans still haven't discovered
The real way
to have sex, anyways.
I'll be cheating.
I'll feel so guilty.
Fine.
Listen, if it makes you
feel better, I'll just
Take Diondre to the execution
and have sex with him.
What?
Who's Diondre?
[ lisping ] I likes playing
tennis with your family!
He's giving us all lessons.
It's so fun.
40/love!
[ glass shatters, cat yowls,
car alarm activates ]
Ain't nothin' wrong with
your ground strokes, girl.
You don't need
to sleep with Diondre.
I won't feel guilty.
I know you, Balthy.
You're gonna feel guilty,
And then I'm gonna feel guilty
that you're feeling guilty
Because I didn't have the guts
To go and throw down
with Diondre.
What?
Damn it, Balthy, I love you,
And my anniversary gift to you
Is plowing Diondre
to kingdom come!
Thank you?
[ beeping ]
What are you guys doing?
The goblin keeps fussing
That it's so much colder here
than hell.
I thought we'd warm him up
while making popcorn.
♪ turning up the heat, y'all ♪
♪ turning up the heat ♪ ooh!
Uncle Vlaartark, I need advice
on seducing Alex the executive
As fast as possible.
Like "hitch."
I have to get it done quickly
So I make it to my date
with Tina
Before she has sex
with Diondre.
Mm.
Welcome to the encyclopedia
sextanica.
First things first --
We must do something
about your wardrobe.
[ explosion ]
Uh, guess I should have
taken out my prince Albert.
[ bell dings,
electricity buzzing ]
Come on,
let's go get some grubbin'
Before we get to rubbin'.
[ slap! ]
Hellman!
What in God's name are you doing
dressed like that in public?
You look like al Pacino
in "cruising."
I'm on a date, sir,
with Alex from the e.P.A.
[ screams ] I'm gonna
have sex with her quickly
To get the marshland preschool
approved,
Then meet up with my wife
to celebrate our anniversary.
You want something that'll
help your date go faster?
Yes, yes, yes.
These are from Petromundo's
toy recall last year.
We call 'em blackout beads.
Bad for kids
But good for making 'em,
if you catch my drift.
Hmm? Hmm?
You crazy s.O.B.!
Those were for your date!
Keep up this behavior,
And we'll all be working
for you one day.
That is, if we survive
the robot uprising.
[ thunder crashes ]
Thank you for escorting me,
Diondre.
Hey, wait a minute.
This is like a real execution?
I thought this was gonna be like
a club called execution.
Isn't it romantic?
Balthy would have loved this.
Here, would you mind putting
this bag over your head?
It won't be the first time
Diondre brown bagged it.
Oh!
Ooh, here he comes!
And he definitely
looks guilty!
Open the white burgundy,
balthy!
I mean, Diondre.
This is not a memory
future Diondre will cherish.
Welcome to the George foreman
grill grille.
My name is George.
What can I get you
to drink tonight?
I'll have bourbon
on the rocks -- his rocks.
Pour it on his crotch, and I'll
lap it up like a stray cat.
Me-ow.
Ohh.
And for you, sir?
Why is this menu
threatening me with a knife?
Chicken beast!
Just bring us a spit bucket
and some bactine.
This guy's about to go 50 rounds
with my "va-j.J. Abrams."
I am sorry, Tina,
But a brother can only take
so much for a casual encounter.
It's back to jdate for Diondre.
[ electricity crackles ]
Aah! Aah!
♪ love is here, love is there ♪
♪ our love is everywhere ♪
♪ love is all around,
love is all around us, baby ♪
♪ love is here, love is there ♪
♪ our love is everywhere ♪
♪ love is all around ♪
Aah!
♪ love is all around ♪
♪ baby, I will treat you right ♪
♪ you know I got it goin' on ♪
♪ I don't want to be
the only one believing ♪
♪ I don't want to be
the one who said goodbye ♪
[ record scratches ]
what am I doing here?
I should be with my man
on our special night!
[ babbling ]
Yeah, you like getting weird
in that grill?
I got something else that'll
leave some marks on your meat.
Are you ignoring me?
No!
[ babbling ]
Marshlands.
You sure get sloppy quick
after one cosmo.
Should I call you Miranda?
'cause I would've made love
to Miranda --
All that red hair and sass.
What do I need to do
to get your attention, big boy?
[ whimpers ]
No!
So evil!
They are naughty, aren't they?
Marshland!
Get to drill!
Is that what you want?
You wanna drill me
at the marshlands?
That would be kind of a thrill,
wouldn't it,
You sadistic hot mess?
Marshlands!
I'll take my dinner
in a doggie bag,
And can we put my date
in the trunk?
Ah, yes.
Uh, we need
a Matthew McConaughey special!
[ bell dings ]
Diondre, get your whip
And "tokyo drift" me
out of here!
I've got to stop Balthazor!
Oh, snap, jealous female!
It's "fast and furious" time!
Yeah!
[ tires screech, engine revs ]
My whip
is not death proof, Tina!
[ horn honks ]
Aah!
[ tires screech, horn honks ]
Do you still have
that bag, by chance?
[ vomits ]
Huh? Where am I?
[ babbling ]
[ thud! ]
[ slap! Slap! Slap! ]
I'm in the back of the car!
What the...
What are we doing
at the marshlands?
Did we sign the papers?
Not yet.
We're just about
to seal the deal.
[ flies buzzing ]
Am I still hallucinating
Or does this duck have
a gorgeous set of teeth?
All the animals
are mutants here,
Thanks to you
and your precious company.
Really? And --
and that doesn't bother you?
Nah, I'm dead inside
After everything
these eyes have witnessed.
[ monkeys shriek ]
[ sobs ]
[ sobs ]
[ sobs ]
Do you know what it's like
To breast-feed
a dying baby oyster
Because the oceans
are so poisoned?
I can't even imagine.
Ah, it's horrible.
No one cares about
the environment except al Gore,
And no one listens to him
because he's a chubby gay.
I used to care,
But you have no idea
how evil humanity can be.
Actually, I do have a fairly
decent background with that.
But you can change the world.
Don't give up.
Excuse me, pot to kettle.
Over.
You're having sex with me
To turn these poison marshes
into preschools.
It's not worth it!
These marshes are precious,
And preschool children
are precious.
And you know what?
My marriage is precious!
So much preciousness!
Deal off!
No! Pants off!
[ moaning, smooching ]
My Balthazor hun bun bun
is here.
I can smell him.
[ tires screech ]
Get your own damn man!
[ martial arts music plays ]
No powers, Tina!
[ siren wails ] look at our faces!
We all look the same!
[ wailing stops,
car doors slam ]
What do you think, Erica?
Should we break 'em up?
Naw, let's see if one of
their tops comes off first.
Yeah!
Ah, Erica,
you're such a lezzie cop.
I got to break it up.
All right, ladies, enough fun.
She's not human!
She has a tail!
She was flying!
Sounds like
you're flying, lady.
Why don't you fly with us
down to the station
For a blood test?
I'm going to come back
and kill you all in your sleep
With my irritable beaver!
Did someone say
"irritable beaver"?
Hellman, what the hell
is going on here?
Why aren't you knee deep in Alex
sealing the deal?
Sir, I was going to,
and then I realized
We cannot put a school
on a toxic wasteland
Because there's something
more precious going on here.
[ squeaking ]
Hot corn!
It looks like mother nature
forgot her kotex.
I don't know how you do it.
I give you the task of getting
the marshlands approved,
And somehow you find oil!
Well done, Hellman.
I'm promoting you
To senior adviser
to the regional vice president
Of international mergers
and acquisitions,
Analysis and integration...
"senior adviser
to the regional..."
There it is.
Oh, how did I manage
to get promoted
Even farther from the drill?
Balthy,
I'm sorry I got so jealous.
I guess picturing you
with another woman
Made me more emotional
than I expected.
Sounds like
a human thing to say.
Do humans kiss like this?
♪ you are my marsh ♪
♪ you are my land ♪
♪ I am your home ♪
♪ you are my ham ♪
Both: ♪ together we will make
some sweet love together ♪
♪ together ♪
♪ anniversary sweet love
together ♪
Ooh!
Yes!
Nailed it!
Oh, yeah, we nailed it!
[ laughter ]
What is a vegan demon's
favorite food?
Ooh, ooh, ooh!
Guess right here!
The fake meat
made from wheat gluten --
Seitan!
[ giggles ]
That's my name.
Don't wear it out.
[ laughter ]
Shut your mouths!
My jokes are for me only!
And mister mister. Mm.
[ coos ]
Justify your lives!
Well, I got a promotion
And learned that sexual
harassment in the workplace
Is very real.
It's incredible how far physical
relations can get you up here.
Wait, wait, wait --
Are you saying that sex
has power on earth?
Yes!
Well, this is all news to me.
Yeah?
No, silly!
Sex fuels the underworld!
Who do you think invented it?
Ooh, the Kardashian
with the big badonkadonk?
You mean like all of them?
[ laughs ]
Actually, I'm rather keen on
that one who looks like a man.
She can back that thing up
All over Necromuncula's
dirty little face.
Noooo, rude.
Get to that drill!
I'm serious.
This is my serious face.
I've got to go.
My apple Newton just booted up.
I might play this new game
called tetris!
Satan out.
Happy anniversary, balthy.
Maybe we should skip
the rest of dinner
And have dessert upstairs.
Oh-ho-ho-ho.
[ gulps ]
Do with me as you wish, milady.
Looks like you have a date
with the beach boys
And some good vibrations.
[ laughs ]
Oh, Uncle Vlaartark!
I love you, guys!
[ vomits ]
Together:
We love you, too!