Nehama (2019): Season 1, Episode 3 - Episode #1.3 - full transcript
36th floor.
You know how Steve Jobs
used to fire people?
He'd give them a humiliating task
and when they refused...
I get it, Arik. I'll grab my pictures
and the microwave and go. -Wait.
Arik, it's my department
you can't fire anyone.
You think I ever fired
anyone in person?
You think I wanna get beaten up?
You were a combat soldier, you ape.
I always tell Ruthie from HR
to send a WhatsApp message
when they're at home
in their comfort zone watching TV
they check their phone...
Boom! "You're fired."
Check your emails,
you got plane tickets.
You're flying me and the kids
to the Seychelles? -Close.
Only no Seychelles
and no kids.
Thursday you're flying to L.A.
to Bioness Pharmaceutic for 3 weeks.
Why me?
-Because you're a good story.
A widower who left his five kids behind
to fix their lousy system
that keeps getting jammed.
He left everything
and came specially.
And please,
while you're there,
talk to your kids on speaker phone a lot
have them say:
You want me to talk
to my kids in English?
"Daddy, we miss you" is simple English.
On "Dora" they learn more complex phrases.
Arik. . .
-And in porn.
Arik, Jonathan started
bedwetting at night,
Itai crawls backwards,
he's damaged, he feels his mom died
Eden wakes up at night and
doesn't remember a thing the next day
Amir eats 7 meals a day, all meat
he doesn't poop,
Shir is threatening to kill herself.
-Wow.
Wow.
And you think an unemployed dad
will help their situation?
Arik, send me instead.
-Thanks, Dana.
Can you get me a pair of Adidas?
Size 11. -Dana Khen,
You're flying to L.A., too, okay?
I'm sending you both.
Business class,
and I put you up in a great hotel.
A contract worth millions
is on the line here. No joke.
All right.
And if you refuse
you're invited to the CV workshop
we give to those we sack.
Off you go.
Nehama,
shove the umbrella up their ass
then open it slowly.
Or should I say slowly.
Slowly.
All the way
to the handle.
What do you think?
He's psycho.
You and I abroad
could be nice.
You deserve it.
Say what?!
Dana Khen?
The babe from your office?
The one who was Miss Carmiel
before she got into high-tech?
Carmiel's Miss Congeniality, yes.
The one your brother told you to bang
'cause she's got the hots for you?
I don't know if she's got
the hots for me, but yes. So?
So?! You gotta go with her.
-Why?
He showed you her photo.
It's just 3 weeks, bro,
we'll wait for you.
And you gotta fuck her,
or as you'd say -
it's a health issue.
-You guys are babies so you don't get it
but I can't leave my kids,
it'll kill them. I'm not going.
We'll babysit.
I was with my wife
since I was about 21.
She's the only one you ever slept with?!
-No.
There was one more.
But I'm not sure,
she might've stayed a virgin after we did it
It was dark, happened real fast.
I miss Tamar so much, especially our talks.
She'd get my head sorted out.
The sex was good too, she was great
in bed, but I miss our talks at night
when I'd tell her about my day.
-Bro, you're killing our buzz.
We have to get on stage
and make people laugh.
Eat something.
-I don't eat cheese.
Look what she sent me.
-Boy, oh, boy...
Boy, oh, boy...
-Check it out. -Boy, oh, boy...
What am I looking at?
That's a nipple. -I see.
-That's the beginning of her vag.
No face, only facilities,
so people don't recognize her.
Bro, she's got
a suspicious birthmark.
It's in a hidden place, she'll never see it.
Is she your girlfriend?
Do you feel
there's a mutual obligation...?
Do you talk?
-What could she say to him?
"I sent the word 'horny' to 6 men
and only you were online"?
Listen, a few comedians are meeting
at Rami's place after the show.
For a joke-writing
brainstorming session? -No.
Can I put you down
as a 4th orgy member?
No, thanks.
Nehama,
you gotta open your mind.
The possibilities are endless.
The redhead waitress, for example...
-Wow!
She heard you're a widower
and it turned her on.
She saw your act last week, said
you're a sicko and must be great in bed.
Seriously? Yonit?
-Yeah, Yonit.
You've got it,
just open your eyes.
She's cute, she studies at
the Interdisciplinary... Wait, no, forget it
Just take a look.
-No, thanks, bro.
Why not? -Don't tell her you told me.
I don't wanna do it.
-No, man, Bro, an
orgy! I'm not cut out for it.
I have a huge dick, you know.
No, I didn't know that.
-9 inches long.
Take a look.
-No, thanks. -I'll show you.
I don't wanna see your dick.
-Come on. -No.
Come on! -I'm fine with dicks
I just don't wanna see yours.
What's your problem?
-I'll beat you up if you take it out.
I'll chop it off
with one karate move.
Well?
-Tough crowd.
Really?
-I don't believe you.
Oh, boy.
-Forget it.
Why tough crowd?
-Forget it.
Don't mind him.
Just go up there,
look them in the eye,
and you'll nail it, okay?
Think of
the Battle of the Chinese Farm.
The Egyptians are on the fence.
-The Egyptians?
How old do you think I am?
I wasn't alive during that war.
Good luck, Nehama.
-Thanks, bro.
Hi, Yonit.
Folks, you've been great!
Thanks !
Give it up for Guy Nehama!
A round of applause
for Marina!
The guy with the WhatsApp messaging,
put it down, be with us.
Forget the stock market
you're losing anyway.
What's your name, bro?
-Kube.
Beet kube or Kobe Hamusta?
Why'd your folks name you
after a kube dish?
What do you do
when you're not food?
I'm a private investigator.
-You're kidding.
Nope. -All the married guys
are starting to leave the room.
Thanks, it's
been nice, I'm out.
I can rest assured that my wife
didn't send you. She's dead.
See? It turned her on.
Ladies, why do widowers turn you on?
Kube,
you usually catch guys cheating, right?
-Usually.
What's the best cheating story
you've got?
A pair of cripples who used to do it
at the rehabilitation center in Ramat Gan.
That's rehabilitation right there.
A cripple doing it with a married woman
at a rehabilitation center
knows that he's back to his old self
he's at the right place.
Must be a problem, though.
He returns home
with the wrong prostheses.
"Why'd you paint your toenails,
dear?
Oh, shit,
any cripples in the room?
Dana.
Where've you been, Nehama?
Why haven't you been
answering my calls?
Arik's about to fire you. Help me help you.
-I had to go to Jonathan's school
to sign him up for basketball
but the coach wasn't there.
I have so much to deal with
it's unbelievable.
I told him you're at the doctor's.
3rd time this week.
He thinks you're dying.
-You're a lifesaver, Dana, thanks.
I think I'm jinxing you with
all the diseases I've been making up.
Funny.
I'm going to tell Ofer that
we're flying abroad this week.
Really?
-Yes, I have to be gentle.
Ofer is primitive, he won't like me
flying alone with someone like you.
What's "someone like me"?
Someone tall.
Ofer is tall, isn't he?
That's why he won't like it.
I can't go, Dana.
My kids come first,
I have to stay with them.
Then I'll tell Arik to cut your trip
to one week and I'll stay.
That's not it.
Tamar was primitive too
and if she knew I was going alone
with someone like you...
What?
-Are you nuts?
i'm getting married!
Okay, but...
-You're like a gay friend to me.
You're totally safe.
-Oh.
Even if you were the last man on earth...
-What would happen?
I'd probably do anyone, but...
in every other sense,
you can rest assured.
It's like a pity project.
Like community work
in high school,
llike volunteering
with autistic kids.
Along those lines. Feel better?
-Totally. -Okay.
It shattered my self-confidence
and self-image forever,
but it calmed me down.
What if the plane goes down
and we're the only two survivors
on a desert island?
Then we've got a problem.
-Oh, boy. -Yep.
What if Arik the cheapskate
flies us on Air Ukraine?
It's a problem, right?
An idea for a short play
or a Netflix series
about men who struggle with their urges
and what really matters in life.
As a kid, Benny Banduri
was a true romantic.
But after 15 years of marriage
he finds himself
as a supermarket bookkeeper
in Petah Tikva.
His wife, who was a sex machine
when they met at 16, grew cold.
Reality hit them.
The first child,
the disengagement,
the massacre in Syria,
the settlement freeze, and Dudu Topaz's
tragic and pointless death -
all made her lose her libido.
At her worst, he caught her
shopping on eBay during the act itself.
But one day - surprise!
His wife enjoys
They start doing it every day.
Benny Banduri finds it suspicious.
Once she's asleep,
he sneaks into the bathroom
and shockingly discovers that...
My dick grew.
That's impossible.
-I know, but when I measured it
back in high school
it was 5 inches long, fully erect.
Now it's around 7.5
and keeps growing every day.
It could hit 9 inches by next week.
Wanna see? -How's it possible?
Through prayer?
What do you eat, Banduri?
His confidence grows bigger
along with his appetite.
One day he courageously goes up
to the prettiest girl in the supermarket,
Betty Bukboza,
who he's had a crush on for years
and gives her a line
which he's practiced for hours:
Horny?
But the urge
is a monstrous animal
that only gets hungrier
when fed.
Banduri asks himself,
why stop here?
He decides to go all out
and to join as a 4th member
in an orgy.
Do you know I have a 9-inch dick
that keeps growing?
So we've heard.
And then, at the peak of his success,
tragedy strikes
and he passes out.
He's sure it's because too much blood
rushed down there during love-making.
Let me go, doctor,
There's this girl
from Kibbutz Tzuba... I'm in love.
Not so fast, Banduri.
I've got bad news.
Have you noticed lately
that your body is changing?
Yep, my dick is growing.
That's the bad news.
You've got stomach cancer.
The cancer pushed your penis forward,
increasing its size.
Sadly,
you have only a few days le
On his death bed,
Banduri asks his wife one last wish:
To gather all his lovers.
I want to tell you all
that these last 3 months
were the best thing
that ever happened to me.
I finally got to be happy
and fulfill myself.
We men
are shallow people.
Nothing matters to us
except the size of our dick.
Dad, what
It's gross
-What is it?
"Benny Banduri Finds Happiness"?!
You weren't supposed
to read that.
Is that what you think? -No.
-Is that what men think?
Of course not...
"Benny felt he'd gained superpowers.
Give me that. -"He was liberated.
He was happy to leave his kids behind
'to go save miserable women.
-Give me that!
You're not supposed to read that. -I can't
believe you're my dad. I wanna die!
If you publish it, I'll kill myself.
-I won't publish it.
Dad, you can't fly to L.A. for 3 weeks.
-How do you know about that?
Dana added me
to the Technosystems group.
On WhatsApp?
Look, I'm not flying to L.A.,
but theoretically,if I were,
then Uncle Oren and Grandma Malka
would be here all the time. -Oh yeah?
Yesterday Jonathan cried at Grandma's
because he wanted her to sign him up
for basketball, but she said we're broke.
She said that? -Yes.
-Why didn't you sign him up?
Let Banduri sign him up.
-It's all right.
I wouldn't get accepted anyway.
Of course you would.
No, the coach said
I'm the worst player out there.
What?
That's nonsense. Catch!
Sorry, buddy.
Mom signed him up
so he'd improve his coordination.
Dad, I can't find my underwear.
I found a solution:
Tomorrow I'm buying new underwear
and we'll each have
a different color, okay?
You're purple, you're green,
you're brown, you're pink and I'm black.
-I don't want pink, I want black.
Okay.
You take black, I'll take pink.
You'll start walking around
in pink underwear?
I wanna die.
B® n " il.3-11' I
but I'm wearing Mom's underwear.
Oren, what are you doing here?
-Michal is cheating on me.
I don't believe you.
With the guy from the tenants committee.
-No...
They keep going over the expenses
as if they're running Amazon.
I checked her WhatsApp chat,
there's only one message: "Yes."
I don't get it.
-She deleted incriminating evidence.
Oren, you're in a loop,
you gotta go back to the meds.
Kids, if a kid from your class
messages a girl
and there's only one message
what does it mean?
That he deleted old messages
to hide it from his parents.
See? Eden is smart.
The kid is cheating on his parents.
-Yeah, he's got two sets of parents.
Kube?
What are you doing here?
When I said at the end of the show
that you could come over, it was a joke.
I invited him.
I gave him the tickets you gave me.
He's my friend from the course.
Never mind.
You won't believe
what happened today.
I get home early from work...
put my ear against the door
and try to listen.
I knew they were inside.
Giora's fucking Michal's brains out.
I heard laughter and kissing.
They're supposedly drinking coffee.
Hi, honey.
Suddenly I notice
the bastard is in his socks.
I'm gonna fuck you up!
You fucking my wife?! -Oren!
Are you?!
Come on!
Hey, hey, hey!
I'm from the tenants committee
I paid to paint the building.
Hand me your phone.
I'll call Guy,
ask him to come get me.
But I told you nothing happened.
Hey. . .
Oren, come on.
Oren, you can't pin a guy
to a wall, curse him
and accuse him of sleeping with your wife.
It's not normal.
Do you realize that?
-This is Giora.
Wow.
He's hot.
Look, there's a way of telling
if your wife is screwing another man.
Okay, kids, go to your rooms, now.
It's a talk between adults.
Or at least people posing as adults.
-Good night.
It's the 4-T method.
texting.
If your wife is texting all day,
glued to her phone and jumps at
every notification, that's the first sign.
The phone is the cheating
focal point.
It holds the proof
and the temptations. -He's right.
Michal is glued to her phone like
a diabetic to an insulin shot. Keep going.
Nonsense.
Tamar was always on the phone
messaging the kids about their rides,
school, it's the modern era.
Kids, I told you to go to bed!
I see you!
Eden !
Go upstairs!
Now!
So Michal and Tamar
like to text.
The second T is "thinner.
Okay?
If she loses weight,
starts running at night
and gets into shape.
It's your wife, bro, she's not doing it for you.
-T rue.
I made a little remark about bread
to Michal, she nearly killed me.
Now she's on laxatives
and throws up all day,
trying to get down to 112 lbs.
Kube, you're killing me.
Oren, lighten up, Tamar did a detox
and lost 13 lbs in 2 months.
It's a health thing.
Okay, so both Tamar and Michal
got thinner.
No, erase Tamar...
On to the third T - "trimming."
Hair.
Especially in new areas.
If your wife goes from a full bush
to a trimmed one, she's got a lover.
I was recently in Oregon
at a PI convention.
The speaker clearly said
that it's practically
mathematical proof.
That's not the case with us.
From day 1 Michal has done
full Brazilian waxes. -Okay.
Truth is....
8 months ago
Tamar took it all off,
full body.
Completely smooth.
It was so hot,
it stirred things up
and really turned me on.
It was new and kinky,
it was our wildest thing.
Okay, so Tamar has 3 Ts,
Michal has 2.
On to the last T -
tallywhacker. If your wife rides
your tallywhacker more than usual
really putting in the effort,
it's because she feels guilty
and wants to please you
while she cheats on you.
Yes !
Wow, that's a load off.
You have no idea.
Michal has been leaving me
high and dry lately. -Okay.
What about you, Guy?
This is nonsense.
If Tamar was suddenly more into me
and more passionate...
These ups and downs
happen in marriage. -Okay.
It comes and goes,
it's also due to hormonal changes
or what she eats.
Who says you're right?
Who put you in charge?
I've been divorced 3 times,
I cheated, I've been cheated on,
I'll cheat again,
I'm well-experienced.
It's been a while
since I got 4 straight Ts.
Where's her phone?
What if she deletes messages?
- Impossible.
A message
doesn't really get deleted.
You're right,
because the computer or phone
keep it stored and mark it
as "unimportant"
until you save something new instead of it.
-Bingo. How'd you know?
I'm in high tech.
How will you get Michal's phone?
It's the last thing I took
before leaving the house.
I plug it in,
run the software,
and soon the computer will give me
an output of all her deleted messages.
Why don't you give him your phone
and invite Michal to see what's on it?
It looks okay.
She deleted messages
her mom sent her.
Look how the bitch
is badmouthing me.
"I can't stand your husband,
"too bad you married him
I wish you'd leave him."
Tough lady.
"Mom, he's the best husband ever.
"I'm in love with him,
he's so sensitive,
"he cries watching cartoo...
Okay, we get it.
She's defending me.
Where's Tamar's phone?
Okay.
This is interesting.
Well. . .
Tamar uses an app
called "Safe Cheating"
which permanently
deletes messages.
I don't believe you.
Why would she use that?
-There can only be one reason.
Where does she hang out?
Where does she work?
Want me to spy on her?
She's dead. -Look, you're taking it
to a very unhealthy level.
And legally speaking, I have to warn you
that you mustn't harm her.
This isn't the time to get angry,
you have to act wisely.
Kube, Tamar is dead.
-Why are you riling your brother up?
Are you guys Georgians?
-Kube,
Tamar passed away.
Tamar, I changed my bet.
I bet my mom will die before yours.
She might be thinner than yours
but she's way more nervous
and that's deadlier
than high cholesterol.
Orit is cheating on Yoav.
Orit Hamami?!
-Yep.
How do you know?
She told you?
I figured it out. She had an abortion.
-I don't get it.
Why would a woman who's been undergoing
grueling IV treatment for 10 years
and miraculously had twins, suddenly
abort a natural pregnancy 2 years later?
You're kidding!
-She didn't know who the father was.
You're a witch,
you're scaring me.
You see through walls too, right?
-I asked her.
It's been going on
for 6 months.
Does Yoav know?
-Of course not. Men are idiots.
They all think they're the best thing
that ever happened to their wives.
She might tell him.
-Good.
No, it's not. Coming clean is cruel.
Not only did you do the deed,
but you clear your conscience,
leaving the pain with your partner
so you can sleep better at night. -Tamar,
are you saying that if I cheat on you,
I shouldn't tell you?
-Of course not.
Just end it and keep it to yourself.
I demand that you tell me if you cheat.
I need to know the truth.
How exactly could I cheat on you?
I'm home all day, driving the kids around
making them lunch. .
I'd have to meet someone
I should have handymen come over
plumbers and stuff,
with their cracks showing,
to turn you on.
Now you're talking.
Listen, she's fit, she looks great,
she's happy.
Yoav is happy.
Wow, you make cheating
sound like a healthy choice.
I'm curious
to try it out myself.
It's not that I'm not happy
at home with the kids...
And with me.
-And with you, but...
you know, she suddenly
looks 15 years younger.
You never used to talk this way.
I used to be 20.
I still think it's awful,
but it must be exciting.
Really, Eva Braun?
Wanna have a fling
with your Fuhrer?
Ouch!
Fuck it.
We’re going in there separately.
Jonathan, sorry I'm late.
How was basketball?
Let's shoot some hoops,
I'll show you some tricks.
I'm a good player,
but mostly defense.
-Dad, I gotta go to the bathroom.
So let's go inside. -No, the school is
closed and the bathrooms are locked.
Why? -Because they don't want us
using their bathroom.
Stop being such a wimp.
What's wrong
with your generation?
Jonathan, grow a pair.
So what if you've gotta pee?
Mom dying
is the worst thing ever,
but you can get over anything.
Suppose tomorrow I fly to...
say, L.A. for a week,
you'It get over it,
right?
Dad, I gotta go to the bathroom!
Then go in the bushes.
-No, I'm too shy.
I'll join you, we'll cross swords.
Don't hold it in.
And listen, tonight I'm gonna
tell you and your siblings
about kidney stones,
how they form
and treatments
I've read about.
3 years ago I was sure
I had them,
but I didn't.
Testing is really painful.
Johnny, you're peeing on my leg!
-I tried to cross swords.
Ca rmit...
Glad I caught you. -Yes? -I was at
Jonathan's basketball practice last night
and the bathroom was locked.
Tell the principal it has to be open.
The kids made a mess, we can't leave
the school open... -Wrong answer.
He nearly wet his pants. Please,
find a solution, it's not that complicated.
There's nothing we can do,
the principal won't go for it.
Look, unreasonable answers
drive me nuts, I go psycho, okay?
I'll tell the media about this.
-The media?!
Yes. -The only reason the school
doesn't send welfare to your home
is because the principal and I
are fending you against them,
and this is the thanks we get?!
-What's that got to do with it?
Since Tamar died,
your kids' situation
has become a total disgrace.
They show up in dirty,
mismatched clothes...
I fixed that, I bought each kid a set in
matching colors. It'll get sorted out soon.
Jonathan comes to school with no food
I make him sandwiches at home.
I make him one every morning!
-He hates cheese!
I don't believe it. -I wrote you that
5 times. He doesn't touch it.
Amir hates cheese,
Jonathan hates tahini, Eden hates tomatoes.
Don't confuse me.
Carmit, lighten up!
Tamar hid stuff from me.
What did she hide from me?
Why do you think that?
She had an app that deletes
messages completely
and a Gmail account
with a password I don't know.
So she cheated on you. You know
how many married women I screwed?
Siso, shut up, asshole.
Who asked you to butt in?
Moron. Let the men talk.
I'm up.
-Good luck.
Break a leg.
-It's a pretty tough crowd.
Good luck, Michelle,
knock 'em dead!
The most important thing is,
you were happy together.
-She was perfect, the best.
I loved her even when she was insane.
-Yeah...
I want to show you something.
This is my daughter Agam.
Wow.
-Isn't she sweet?
Unreal. -Yep.
-What a sweetie.
Her mom took her with her to Belgium.
-Seriously? -Yeah.
Said she's not coming back unless
I give her half a million shekels. -Ouch.
I have to save up another
356,000 shekels.
You were married?
-Yeah, take a look.
A physics and chemistry doctoral
student, totally outta my league.
I see she's on a pole.
It's a sport.
Don't give me that look,
there's pole dancing as a sport.
Why did you break up?
The usual story.
She cheated on you?
How do you know the kid is yours?
-I cheated on her. —
Listen, Nehama, I feel it in my bones
Tamar didn't cheat on you.
Nehama, you're going out with us tonight.
We got some medical pot.
Can I put you down
as a 4th orgy member?
Come on, I have a great apartment
we'll hook you up,
give you the complete
sensory experience.
I'm in.
-Yes !
Don't worry, if something happens
I'll give you CPR.
There's pole dancing as a sport.
But why the audience?
I'll warm up before the show.
Fuck that bitch!
Well, well!
A nun ! -Yeah?
-They're the kinkiest.
Are you dressed up
as something?
Don't you get it?
-What?
An apple...? Steve Jobs!
-Oh, nice.
It's his original turtleneck,
got in on eBay. -Nice. -$1,500.
You make too much money, Arik.
-You bet.
Where've you been? I hate when
you leave me alone at these parties.
You look so beautiful.
I bet lots of guys who don't know
you're married have been hitting on you.
Are you nuts?
Everyone here knows I'm your wife.
I'm totally wasted,
let's get a cab.
Give me your phone,
I'll order one.
Why is it locked with a code?
Because the kids keep
downloading games and ruining it.
I need it to run smoothly, I'm in all
the kids' school WhatsApp groups.
You wanna say bye to your Dana
before we leave?
My Dana? She's not my Dana.
-She's got a crush on you.
Are you nuts?
I barely even spoke to her tonight.
How do you tell
who's having an affair at work?
You go to a party and spot the two
people who barely talk to each other.
Whoa, back up...
Are you nuts?
I didn't say anything happened,
but she'd like to,
and so would you. -Nonsense.
Besides, she has a boyfriend.
Like that would stop her from wanting Hitler
What an awful costume.
I couldn't go as Stalin
because he killed Alexei's dad.
He celebrates his death
at the office every year.
I' ve got no feelings towards her.
Relax, she's pretty cute.
If I die,
consider her for chapter 2,
although she seems the type that
won't want you once you're available.
No, I'll choose a woman with big boobs
I won't make the same mistake twice.
Go say goodbye to her and let's go.
-Forget it.
Nobody talked to me the entire party.
-No wonder.
Hitler, of all people...
-They don't get my humor. It's genius.
Nobody gets your humor.
-But it's funny. -It's not.
Lenny Bruce was also kicked off stage
before he made it big-time.
Does Dana get your humor?
Party
Someone's at the door.
-Open it.
Asi, what's up?
Look who's here,
Mr. Asi Dvora in the flesh.
He's a multi-millionaire.
Nehama, hey,
what are you doing here?
What's up, Dvora?
This is my driver David,
my license was revoked. David, come here.
This is Nehama
I told you about,
we were a duo a few years back
Dvora & Nehama.
You can go back now.
-We were Nehama & Dvora for 3 years
until he switched the order in the paper.
-Because Dvora & Nehama sounds better.
Don't mean to argue,
but Nehama & Dvora sounds better,
and it didn't bother you
until you saw our ad in the paper.
What else did he tell you about me?
-I heard you started performing
on amateur night
like I suggested.
That's lovely.
Yeah, I'm gonna book Fridays,
half of Sunday,
half of Mond
open a box office in Tzavta Theater
and raise the roof.
See that, Nehama?
Dvora, that's how you do it.
Not like you, sleeping with
the producer's daughter
to promote his career.
This is how it's done.
I hope you make it,
but today's market is tough.
Everybody's doing standup.
It'll be way tougher for everyone
once I'm out the re.
Asi, come have a shot.
Excuse me while I have a shot.
-Did you have a fling with Tamar?
Huh, you bastard?
Whoa ! What's
with you, Nehama?
Who do you think you are
raising a hand on me?!
Did you bring her here?
You always had the hots for her
giving her the sad puppy look.
You're a pe rve rt!
Yes, I loved her,
and you knew it, so?
I spotted her first during our show
but she chose to marry you,
so you're trying to rub it in now?
Why did she delete
all your messages?
There's one message from you
left in her phone: "Yes."
What the fuck "yes"?
You're an idiot and a moron
and you didn't deserve
a woman like Tamar.
She was the most faithful
woman in the world.
For 20 years I've been trying
to find a woman like her
and now you're badmouthing her?
Why did she delete
your messages, Asi?
Because we were planning
your birthday party.
Don't you get it, you jerk?
Nehama, you've had too much
to drink and smoke, you're trippin'.
I didn't drink or smoke anything.
I share a bed every night with my two
youngest kids, Itai and Jonathan.
Jonathan wakes up crying every night
because he has no friends.
He's such a great kid, he's smart, but he
has no friends, I can't understand why.
I can't get stoned.
I need to be there for him.
He started it, you saw.
- Fine.
He could've hit me in the face!
Dvora... -What?
Your driver David
is blocking my car.
Wait, did you drink?
Then go move the car.
Who double-parks?
Let me see.
Wow, you're such a light sleeper.
I just sit down and you wake up.
How's it going, moron?
Okay.
Oren,
what do you think
Tamar was hiding from me?
Guy, what's with the interrogation
in the middle of the night?
What if she cheated on me?
Even if she did,
does it matter now?
Of course it does.
means I've been living
I'm sacrificing myself for her dreams,
but if she was unfaithful, it's not worth it
Sacrificing yourself?
You have great kids, you idiot.
Just today Amir
taught me about the Ice Age.
Did you know that humans
ate Neanderthals?
Where was I
when they taught that?
You're not even gonna lie and tell me
I'm wrong and that she was faithful?
Why? When I told you Michal was cheating,
did you say anything?
No. Why?
Because you're right, bro.
Everybody cheats.
Not Tamar and me.
We were special.
Tamar was special.
Who the hell are you, you dick?
I always thought you were a perfect dad
but now I know it was all Tamar's work.
I decided to have a kid.
Yep.
you can, so can
I'm glad I help you
get ahead in life.
Mine, yours or Tamar'
-Mine.
It's Dana.
"You awake?
Wow.
"Yes,
are you checking up on me
"as part of your volunteer work
with autistic kids?"
What did she write?
"I'm beat. Ofer took me
to an expensive restaurant
"and dumped me.
He doesn't want me anymore.
What do I write?
"Wherever you are,
I'm coming to fuck you.
"All men are scum.
"How insensitive,
"he's a worthless jerk.
"You deserve better."
I'm the WhatsApp king, bro.
What did she reply?
Typing, typing, typing...
Typing, typing, blah, blah, typing...
-Non-stop.
"I've been crying for 2 hours straight.
He heard we're flying abroad together
"and said it's over.
I can't believe he doesn't trust me.
"Glad you're awake. Wish you had
a babysitter." Go to her, now.
I'm not going. -Yes, you are.
-No, I'm not. -Then I am.
Are you stupid?
Go to her, now.
Cut it out.
-No, go to her. - Fo rget
Bro, this isn't an orgy
in a standup comedian's apartment,
this girl is classy.
-Oren, I'm not going.
Guy,
you gotta be a friend to her,
she needs advice,
she needs a shoulder
she needs some cock.
No, Oren.
"Where are you?
I'll put on some cologne and come.
Yes !
Oh, man...
Wow.
-I'll drive you there.
Smell if I need cologne.
Hey.
-Hi, Dana.
Want to order a drink?
Sure, let's go crazy.
Got any natural drinks?
I'll have some ginger tea.
No caffeine.
Don't laugh at old people.
The caffeine gives me
heartburn at night.
And put the sugar on the side...
They always add too much.
And also a touch of lemon.
No problem.
-For vitamin C.
Listen, I ran over Ofer on the way here.
-Great.
Yeah, he's roadkill. He was weeping
the last few seconds of his life.
Good.
I'll give you a raise on Sunday.
Aren't you going to mourn him?
He'll come crawling back, you know.
By tomorrow he'll be begging.
To be honest, Nehama,
I was mostly surprised by his timing.
I was going to dump him anyway
when we got back from L.A.
I just... have never
been dumped before, so...
I'm learning to deal with it. -But why
are you upset if you planned to dump him?
Why did I come here this late?
I'm going home.
Because... I'm not used to
I'm no ordinary girl, I'm a babe.
I don't get dumped.
Ask anyone in Carmiel,
I'm hard to get.
If I ask someone in Carmiel,
you'll know I've hit rock bottom.
That town didn't even
make it into "Monopoly.
How could anyone dump you?
I don't get it.
I don't know,
maybe I'm at the age...
I'm not the same.
Dana ... -I don't know.
You look amazing.
You're as pretty as that moment
when a rollercoaster takes a dip.
Remember the office party on Purim
a year and a half ago?
When you went as a hooker? -I was a fox.
-Everyone said you went as a hooker.
Why?
- Stockings, mini - garter belt.
I had fox ears and a furry vest.
You're right, it would confuse
even a professional biologist.
If you were in England,
they'd sic the dogs at you.
I was smoking pot
on the balcony.
And I was hiding there because
my costume didn't amuse anybody.
You went as Hitler!
-It was innovative. -Yeah.
And I yelled at you: "Stop, Jew!"
I clearly remember it,
and I told you
that many girls in the Holocaust had affairs
with high-ranking Nazis in order to survive
and that nobody outranks Hitler.
-Right.
I remember that.
I think that. . .
if I wasn't married,
at that moment I think...
I'd have tried to kiss you.
Well, you're not married now.
Nehama, I didn't know
you had urges.
Kind of.
Come here.
-Whe re?
Come here.
You know, as a boss, trying to kiss your
employee is considered sexual harassment.
So sue me, Nehama.
I'll hire the best lawyer
and take everything you've got.
Here you go.
Thanks.
You're welcome.
Dana, I think I'll get going.
I promised Jonathan
I'd sleep next to him tonight.
He constantly wakes up and
he'll never forgive me if I'm not there.
For real, you're gonna leave now?
It's happening too fast, I'm nervous.
-Too fast? -It's too soon.
Dana,
in two days we'll be in L.A.
in a neutral environment,
we'll eat out,
you'll get me drunk,
slip drugs into my tea...
And things will happen,
I want them to happen,
I have for a long time,
but not here.
The re.
All right.
What happens in L.A.
stays in L.A.
They say that about Eilat.
Is everybody showered
and dressed in matching sets?
Well done, Shir.
If you get them to shower once
while I'm abroad, that'd be awesome.
Hopefully we'll all be here
when you get back.
Funny.
Cheer up, guys.
It's only 10 days,
I'll be back in no time.
I have to do this to support our family,
put food on the table, it's basic.
Arik would've fired me otherwise.
You 'll be fine.
Come on, Jonathan, smile.
Dad, we'll be fine.
-See?
That's the Eden, way
to go. Listen to Eden.
I'll go get my suit. I might be performing
at the Comedy Cellar in L.A.
Maybe he'll come back happier.
-Maybe he won't come back at all.
That'd be best.
My cab is waiting.
Shi rush...
My main man.
Johnny...
I took all your photos with me.
Except one.
Just kidding.
Be right there!
The candy cabinet isn't locked.
What is it, Shirush?
-Talk to your moron son.
Jonathan won't come home.
He's hiding in the bushes at school
and he won't go to basketball
or come home.
What happened? -There's no bathroom
and he went in his pants.
Number 1?
-No, number 2.
Oh, shit.
-Exactly, Dad, shit.
He stinks, I'm not touching him.
Shirush, listen, you can do this.
Take him home
and hose him down outside, okay?
There are rubber gloves
under the sink.
I'm trusting you, okay?
-I'm not cleaning him up!
Are you kidding me?!
You do it!
Face it, I'm a child!
I'm a fuckin' child!
I don't exist anymore,
don't you get it?
I'm abroad as far as you're concerned.
Okay?
They're calling me from security.
Tell your siblings not to call.
I'll call you. Bye.
Shirush, listen, I can make it.
It's at 8:30. I'll take a cab home.
Okay. -And this isn't cool!
I'm coming, so wait for me. Bye.
Ladies and gentlemen,
you're requested not to park...
Nehama, I'm going in. I'm so excited.
I'll get us some coffee.
Dad! Dad!
Where is he?
-Over there.
Johnny...
Johnny boy...
Johnny... -Go away.
-Johnny, please come with me.
Johnny...
-No...
Johnny, come with me.
-No, go away. -Come with me.
I wanna die.
Come here, buddy. -No.
-I don't smell anything.
Nobody can tell that
you had an accident.
They all looked at me and laughed!
I wanna die, Dad!
Who laughed at you?
- Eve rybody.
Say who,
I'll beat the crap outta them.
I want us to move, Dad,
let's move to another country,
another city,
I don't wanna be here!
Johnny, you can't stay in the bushes.
Come here, okay?
Johnny, look at me.
Johnny,
I'm sorry I wasn't here for you,
I should've been and I wasn't
and I apologize.
I didn't think this would happen.
-I wanna die.
I'm sorry, Johnny, okay?
Come with me, let's go home
you, me and Shir, okay?
Let's go home, Johnny.
I'll clean you up.
Give me your hand and let's go.
Come here, buddy,
I'm sorry I wasn't here for you.
Come, you don'
Let's go.
I don't think I have
any green underwear left.
I brought you Amir's underwear
we won't tell him.
Make them smaller
like I taught you.
The socks almost match
very similar colors.
Jonathan.
Johnny, I. . .
Shir, Eden, Amir...
-Dad, listen...
I called Oren, he's waiting
for you downstairs in a cab.
Listen, the school hurt our Jonathan,
they humiliated him.
- Basta rds.
Jonathan wishes he were dead
and there's only one way to fix
By loving him and hugging him?
-Of course,
but we need to do something else.
We're going to take revenge.
I've got toilet paper, wet wipes
and this bottle.
We're gonna fuck them up.
Get ready, put your shoes on,
and wait by the car when he's dressed.
That'll teach them
not to mess with the Nehamas.
Do you all feel the castor oil
in your stomach? -Yep.
You all feel it coming?
-Yep.
We're at war
and the opening shot
was given by
our adorable soldier here
who left something
very hot and steamy in his diaper
to give to this fucking school.
Line up, everybody.
Dad, Mom would never
let you do this.
You didn't know her
as well as I did.
Here you go, ma'am.
Crouch.
Assume the position.
Shir, you'll reg ret
not doing this with us.
Ready? -Yes.
-Bombs away!
Good, Jonathan, second time today.
You're undoubtedly my son.
Shir, look at this triumph!
Come on!
Come quickly,
the guards will catch us
and they won't like seeing
the school covered in poop.
You know how Steve Jobs
used to fire people?
He'd give them a humiliating task
and when they refused...
I get it, Arik. I'll grab my pictures
and the microwave and go. -Wait.
Arik, it's my department
you can't fire anyone.
You think I ever fired
anyone in person?
You think I wanna get beaten up?
You were a combat soldier, you ape.
I always tell Ruthie from HR
to send a WhatsApp message
when they're at home
in their comfort zone watching TV
they check their phone...
Boom! "You're fired."
Check your emails,
you got plane tickets.
You're flying me and the kids
to the Seychelles? -Close.
Only no Seychelles
and no kids.
Thursday you're flying to L.A.
to Bioness Pharmaceutic for 3 weeks.
Why me?
-Because you're a good story.
A widower who left his five kids behind
to fix their lousy system
that keeps getting jammed.
He left everything
and came specially.
And please,
while you're there,
talk to your kids on speaker phone a lot
have them say:
You want me to talk
to my kids in English?
"Daddy, we miss you" is simple English.
On "Dora" they learn more complex phrases.
Arik. . .
-And in porn.
Arik, Jonathan started
bedwetting at night,
Itai crawls backwards,
he's damaged, he feels his mom died
Eden wakes up at night and
doesn't remember a thing the next day
Amir eats 7 meals a day, all meat
he doesn't poop,
Shir is threatening to kill herself.
-Wow.
Wow.
And you think an unemployed dad
will help their situation?
Arik, send me instead.
-Thanks, Dana.
Can you get me a pair of Adidas?
Size 11. -Dana Khen,
You're flying to L.A., too, okay?
I'm sending you both.
Business class,
and I put you up in a great hotel.
A contract worth millions
is on the line here. No joke.
All right.
And if you refuse
you're invited to the CV workshop
we give to those we sack.
Off you go.
Nehama,
shove the umbrella up their ass
then open it slowly.
Or should I say slowly.
Slowly.
All the way
to the handle.
What do you think?
He's psycho.
You and I abroad
could be nice.
You deserve it.
Say what?!
Dana Khen?
The babe from your office?
The one who was Miss Carmiel
before she got into high-tech?
Carmiel's Miss Congeniality, yes.
The one your brother told you to bang
'cause she's got the hots for you?
I don't know if she's got
the hots for me, but yes. So?
So?! You gotta go with her.
-Why?
He showed you her photo.
It's just 3 weeks, bro,
we'll wait for you.
And you gotta fuck her,
or as you'd say -
it's a health issue.
-You guys are babies so you don't get it
but I can't leave my kids,
it'll kill them. I'm not going.
We'll babysit.
I was with my wife
since I was about 21.
She's the only one you ever slept with?!
-No.
There was one more.
But I'm not sure,
she might've stayed a virgin after we did it
It was dark, happened real fast.
I miss Tamar so much, especially our talks.
She'd get my head sorted out.
The sex was good too, she was great
in bed, but I miss our talks at night
when I'd tell her about my day.
-Bro, you're killing our buzz.
We have to get on stage
and make people laugh.
Eat something.
-I don't eat cheese.
Look what she sent me.
-Boy, oh, boy...
Boy, oh, boy...
-Check it out. -Boy, oh, boy...
What am I looking at?
That's a nipple. -I see.
-That's the beginning of her vag.
No face, only facilities,
so people don't recognize her.
Bro, she's got
a suspicious birthmark.
It's in a hidden place, she'll never see it.
Is she your girlfriend?
Do you feel
there's a mutual obligation...?
Do you talk?
-What could she say to him?
"I sent the word 'horny' to 6 men
and only you were online"?
Listen, a few comedians are meeting
at Rami's place after the show.
For a joke-writing
brainstorming session? -No.
Can I put you down
as a 4th orgy member?
No, thanks.
Nehama,
you gotta open your mind.
The possibilities are endless.
The redhead waitress, for example...
-Wow!
She heard you're a widower
and it turned her on.
She saw your act last week, said
you're a sicko and must be great in bed.
Seriously? Yonit?
-Yeah, Yonit.
You've got it,
just open your eyes.
She's cute, she studies at
the Interdisciplinary... Wait, no, forget it
Just take a look.
-No, thanks, bro.
Why not? -Don't tell her you told me.
I don't wanna do it.
-No, man, Bro, an
orgy! I'm not cut out for it.
I have a huge dick, you know.
No, I didn't know that.
-9 inches long.
Take a look.
-No, thanks. -I'll show you.
I don't wanna see your dick.
-Come on. -No.
Come on! -I'm fine with dicks
I just don't wanna see yours.
What's your problem?
-I'll beat you up if you take it out.
I'll chop it off
with one karate move.
Well?
-Tough crowd.
Really?
-I don't believe you.
Oh, boy.
-Forget it.
Why tough crowd?
-Forget it.
Don't mind him.
Just go up there,
look them in the eye,
and you'll nail it, okay?
Think of
the Battle of the Chinese Farm.
The Egyptians are on the fence.
-The Egyptians?
How old do you think I am?
I wasn't alive during that war.
Good luck, Nehama.
-Thanks, bro.
Hi, Yonit.
Folks, you've been great!
Thanks !
Give it up for Guy Nehama!
A round of applause
for Marina!
The guy with the WhatsApp messaging,
put it down, be with us.
Forget the stock market
you're losing anyway.
What's your name, bro?
-Kube.
Beet kube or Kobe Hamusta?
Why'd your folks name you
after a kube dish?
What do you do
when you're not food?
I'm a private investigator.
-You're kidding.
Nope. -All the married guys
are starting to leave the room.
Thanks, it's
been nice, I'm out.
I can rest assured that my wife
didn't send you. She's dead.
See? It turned her on.
Ladies, why do widowers turn you on?
Kube,
you usually catch guys cheating, right?
-Usually.
What's the best cheating story
you've got?
A pair of cripples who used to do it
at the rehabilitation center in Ramat Gan.
That's rehabilitation right there.
A cripple doing it with a married woman
at a rehabilitation center
knows that he's back to his old self
he's at the right place.
Must be a problem, though.
He returns home
with the wrong prostheses.
"Why'd you paint your toenails,
dear?
Oh, shit,
any cripples in the room?
Dana.
Where've you been, Nehama?
Why haven't you been
answering my calls?
Arik's about to fire you. Help me help you.
-I had to go to Jonathan's school
to sign him up for basketball
but the coach wasn't there.
I have so much to deal with
it's unbelievable.
I told him you're at the doctor's.
3rd time this week.
He thinks you're dying.
-You're a lifesaver, Dana, thanks.
I think I'm jinxing you with
all the diseases I've been making up.
Funny.
I'm going to tell Ofer that
we're flying abroad this week.
Really?
-Yes, I have to be gentle.
Ofer is primitive, he won't like me
flying alone with someone like you.
What's "someone like me"?
Someone tall.
Ofer is tall, isn't he?
That's why he won't like it.
I can't go, Dana.
My kids come first,
I have to stay with them.
Then I'll tell Arik to cut your trip
to one week and I'll stay.
That's not it.
Tamar was primitive too
and if she knew I was going alone
with someone like you...
What?
-Are you nuts?
i'm getting married!
Okay, but...
-You're like a gay friend to me.
You're totally safe.
-Oh.
Even if you were the last man on earth...
-What would happen?
I'd probably do anyone, but...
in every other sense,
you can rest assured.
It's like a pity project.
Like community work
in high school,
llike volunteering
with autistic kids.
Along those lines. Feel better?
-Totally. -Okay.
It shattered my self-confidence
and self-image forever,
but it calmed me down.
What if the plane goes down
and we're the only two survivors
on a desert island?
Then we've got a problem.
-Oh, boy. -Yep.
What if Arik the cheapskate
flies us on Air Ukraine?
It's a problem, right?
An idea for a short play
or a Netflix series
about men who struggle with their urges
and what really matters in life.
As a kid, Benny Banduri
was a true romantic.
But after 15 years of marriage
he finds himself
as a supermarket bookkeeper
in Petah Tikva.
His wife, who was a sex machine
when they met at 16, grew cold.
Reality hit them.
The first child,
the disengagement,
the massacre in Syria,
the settlement freeze, and Dudu Topaz's
tragic and pointless death -
all made her lose her libido.
At her worst, he caught her
shopping on eBay during the act itself.
But one day - surprise!
His wife enjoys
They start doing it every day.
Benny Banduri finds it suspicious.
Once she's asleep,
he sneaks into the bathroom
and shockingly discovers that...
My dick grew.
That's impossible.
-I know, but when I measured it
back in high school
it was 5 inches long, fully erect.
Now it's around 7.5
and keeps growing every day.
It could hit 9 inches by next week.
Wanna see? -How's it possible?
Through prayer?
What do you eat, Banduri?
His confidence grows bigger
along with his appetite.
One day he courageously goes up
to the prettiest girl in the supermarket,
Betty Bukboza,
who he's had a crush on for years
and gives her a line
which he's practiced for hours:
Horny?
But the urge
is a monstrous animal
that only gets hungrier
when fed.
Banduri asks himself,
why stop here?
He decides to go all out
and to join as a 4th member
in an orgy.
Do you know I have a 9-inch dick
that keeps growing?
So we've heard.
And then, at the peak of his success,
tragedy strikes
and he passes out.
He's sure it's because too much blood
rushed down there during love-making.
Let me go, doctor,
There's this girl
from Kibbutz Tzuba... I'm in love.
Not so fast, Banduri.
I've got bad news.
Have you noticed lately
that your body is changing?
Yep, my dick is growing.
That's the bad news.
You've got stomach cancer.
The cancer pushed your penis forward,
increasing its size.
Sadly,
you have only a few days le
On his death bed,
Banduri asks his wife one last wish:
To gather all his lovers.
I want to tell you all
that these last 3 months
were the best thing
that ever happened to me.
I finally got to be happy
and fulfill myself.
We men
are shallow people.
Nothing matters to us
except the size of our dick.
Dad, what
It's gross
-What is it?
"Benny Banduri Finds Happiness"?!
You weren't supposed
to read that.
Is that what you think? -No.
-Is that what men think?
Of course not...
"Benny felt he'd gained superpowers.
Give me that. -"He was liberated.
He was happy to leave his kids behind
'to go save miserable women.
-Give me that!
You're not supposed to read that. -I can't
believe you're my dad. I wanna die!
If you publish it, I'll kill myself.
-I won't publish it.
Dad, you can't fly to L.A. for 3 weeks.
-How do you know about that?
Dana added me
to the Technosystems group.
On WhatsApp?
Look, I'm not flying to L.A.,
but theoretically,if I were,
then Uncle Oren and Grandma Malka
would be here all the time. -Oh yeah?
Yesterday Jonathan cried at Grandma's
because he wanted her to sign him up
for basketball, but she said we're broke.
She said that? -Yes.
-Why didn't you sign him up?
Let Banduri sign him up.
-It's all right.
I wouldn't get accepted anyway.
Of course you would.
No, the coach said
I'm the worst player out there.
What?
That's nonsense. Catch!
Sorry, buddy.
Mom signed him up
so he'd improve his coordination.
Dad, I can't find my underwear.
I found a solution:
Tomorrow I'm buying new underwear
and we'll each have
a different color, okay?
You're purple, you're green,
you're brown, you're pink and I'm black.
-I don't want pink, I want black.
Okay.
You take black, I'll take pink.
You'll start walking around
in pink underwear?
I wanna die.
B® n " il.3-11' I
but I'm wearing Mom's underwear.
Oren, what are you doing here?
-Michal is cheating on me.
I don't believe you.
With the guy from the tenants committee.
-No...
They keep going over the expenses
as if they're running Amazon.
I checked her WhatsApp chat,
there's only one message: "Yes."
I don't get it.
-She deleted incriminating evidence.
Oren, you're in a loop,
you gotta go back to the meds.
Kids, if a kid from your class
messages a girl
and there's only one message
what does it mean?
That he deleted old messages
to hide it from his parents.
See? Eden is smart.
The kid is cheating on his parents.
-Yeah, he's got two sets of parents.
Kube?
What are you doing here?
When I said at the end of the show
that you could come over, it was a joke.
I invited him.
I gave him the tickets you gave me.
He's my friend from the course.
Never mind.
You won't believe
what happened today.
I get home early from work...
put my ear against the door
and try to listen.
I knew they were inside.
Giora's fucking Michal's brains out.
I heard laughter and kissing.
They're supposedly drinking coffee.
Hi, honey.
Suddenly I notice
the bastard is in his socks.
I'm gonna fuck you up!
You fucking my wife?! -Oren!
Are you?!
Come on!
Hey, hey, hey!
I'm from the tenants committee
I paid to paint the building.
Hand me your phone.
I'll call Guy,
ask him to come get me.
But I told you nothing happened.
Hey. . .
Oren, come on.
Oren, you can't pin a guy
to a wall, curse him
and accuse him of sleeping with your wife.
It's not normal.
Do you realize that?
-This is Giora.
Wow.
He's hot.
Look, there's a way of telling
if your wife is screwing another man.
Okay, kids, go to your rooms, now.
It's a talk between adults.
Or at least people posing as adults.
-Good night.
It's the 4-T method.
texting.
If your wife is texting all day,
glued to her phone and jumps at
every notification, that's the first sign.
The phone is the cheating
focal point.
It holds the proof
and the temptations. -He's right.
Michal is glued to her phone like
a diabetic to an insulin shot. Keep going.
Nonsense.
Tamar was always on the phone
messaging the kids about their rides,
school, it's the modern era.
Kids, I told you to go to bed!
I see you!
Eden !
Go upstairs!
Now!
So Michal and Tamar
like to text.
The second T is "thinner.
Okay?
If she loses weight,
starts running at night
and gets into shape.
It's your wife, bro, she's not doing it for you.
-T rue.
I made a little remark about bread
to Michal, she nearly killed me.
Now she's on laxatives
and throws up all day,
trying to get down to 112 lbs.
Kube, you're killing me.
Oren, lighten up, Tamar did a detox
and lost 13 lbs in 2 months.
It's a health thing.
Okay, so both Tamar and Michal
got thinner.
No, erase Tamar...
On to the third T - "trimming."
Hair.
Especially in new areas.
If your wife goes from a full bush
to a trimmed one, she's got a lover.
I was recently in Oregon
at a PI convention.
The speaker clearly said
that it's practically
mathematical proof.
That's not the case with us.
From day 1 Michal has done
full Brazilian waxes. -Okay.
Truth is....
8 months ago
Tamar took it all off,
full body.
Completely smooth.
It was so hot,
it stirred things up
and really turned me on.
It was new and kinky,
it was our wildest thing.
Okay, so Tamar has 3 Ts,
Michal has 2.
On to the last T -
tallywhacker. If your wife rides
your tallywhacker more than usual
really putting in the effort,
it's because she feels guilty
and wants to please you
while she cheats on you.
Yes !
Wow, that's a load off.
You have no idea.
Michal has been leaving me
high and dry lately. -Okay.
What about you, Guy?
This is nonsense.
If Tamar was suddenly more into me
and more passionate...
These ups and downs
happen in marriage. -Okay.
It comes and goes,
it's also due to hormonal changes
or what she eats.
Who says you're right?
Who put you in charge?
I've been divorced 3 times,
I cheated, I've been cheated on,
I'll cheat again,
I'm well-experienced.
It's been a while
since I got 4 straight Ts.
Where's her phone?
What if she deletes messages?
- Impossible.
A message
doesn't really get deleted.
You're right,
because the computer or phone
keep it stored and mark it
as "unimportant"
until you save something new instead of it.
-Bingo. How'd you know?
I'm in high tech.
How will you get Michal's phone?
It's the last thing I took
before leaving the house.
I plug it in,
run the software,
and soon the computer will give me
an output of all her deleted messages.
Why don't you give him your phone
and invite Michal to see what's on it?
It looks okay.
She deleted messages
her mom sent her.
Look how the bitch
is badmouthing me.
"I can't stand your husband,
"too bad you married him
I wish you'd leave him."
Tough lady.
"Mom, he's the best husband ever.
"I'm in love with him,
he's so sensitive,
"he cries watching cartoo...
Okay, we get it.
She's defending me.
Where's Tamar's phone?
Okay.
This is interesting.
Well. . .
Tamar uses an app
called "Safe Cheating"
which permanently
deletes messages.
I don't believe you.
Why would she use that?
-There can only be one reason.
Where does she hang out?
Where does she work?
Want me to spy on her?
She's dead. -Look, you're taking it
to a very unhealthy level.
And legally speaking, I have to warn you
that you mustn't harm her.
This isn't the time to get angry,
you have to act wisely.
Kube, Tamar is dead.
-Why are you riling your brother up?
Are you guys Georgians?
-Kube,
Tamar passed away.
Tamar, I changed my bet.
I bet my mom will die before yours.
She might be thinner than yours
but she's way more nervous
and that's deadlier
than high cholesterol.
Orit is cheating on Yoav.
Orit Hamami?!
-Yep.
How do you know?
She told you?
I figured it out. She had an abortion.
-I don't get it.
Why would a woman who's been undergoing
grueling IV treatment for 10 years
and miraculously had twins, suddenly
abort a natural pregnancy 2 years later?
You're kidding!
-She didn't know who the father was.
You're a witch,
you're scaring me.
You see through walls too, right?
-I asked her.
It's been going on
for 6 months.
Does Yoav know?
-Of course not. Men are idiots.
They all think they're the best thing
that ever happened to their wives.
She might tell him.
-Good.
No, it's not. Coming clean is cruel.
Not only did you do the deed,
but you clear your conscience,
leaving the pain with your partner
so you can sleep better at night. -Tamar,
are you saying that if I cheat on you,
I shouldn't tell you?
-Of course not.
Just end it and keep it to yourself.
I demand that you tell me if you cheat.
I need to know the truth.
How exactly could I cheat on you?
I'm home all day, driving the kids around
making them lunch. .
I'd have to meet someone
I should have handymen come over
plumbers and stuff,
with their cracks showing,
to turn you on.
Now you're talking.
Listen, she's fit, she looks great,
she's happy.
Yoav is happy.
Wow, you make cheating
sound like a healthy choice.
I'm curious
to try it out myself.
It's not that I'm not happy
at home with the kids...
And with me.
-And with you, but...
you know, she suddenly
looks 15 years younger.
You never used to talk this way.
I used to be 20.
I still think it's awful,
but it must be exciting.
Really, Eva Braun?
Wanna have a fling
with your Fuhrer?
Ouch!
Fuck it.
We’re going in there separately.
Jonathan, sorry I'm late.
How was basketball?
Let's shoot some hoops,
I'll show you some tricks.
I'm a good player,
but mostly defense.
-Dad, I gotta go to the bathroom.
So let's go inside. -No, the school is
closed and the bathrooms are locked.
Why? -Because they don't want us
using their bathroom.
Stop being such a wimp.
What's wrong
with your generation?
Jonathan, grow a pair.
So what if you've gotta pee?
Mom dying
is the worst thing ever,
but you can get over anything.
Suppose tomorrow I fly to...
say, L.A. for a week,
you'It get over it,
right?
Dad, I gotta go to the bathroom!
Then go in the bushes.
-No, I'm too shy.
I'll join you, we'll cross swords.
Don't hold it in.
And listen, tonight I'm gonna
tell you and your siblings
about kidney stones,
how they form
and treatments
I've read about.
3 years ago I was sure
I had them,
but I didn't.
Testing is really painful.
Johnny, you're peeing on my leg!
-I tried to cross swords.
Ca rmit...
Glad I caught you. -Yes? -I was at
Jonathan's basketball practice last night
and the bathroom was locked.
Tell the principal it has to be open.
The kids made a mess, we can't leave
the school open... -Wrong answer.
He nearly wet his pants. Please,
find a solution, it's not that complicated.
There's nothing we can do,
the principal won't go for it.
Look, unreasonable answers
drive me nuts, I go psycho, okay?
I'll tell the media about this.
-The media?!
Yes. -The only reason the school
doesn't send welfare to your home
is because the principal and I
are fending you against them,
and this is the thanks we get?!
-What's that got to do with it?
Since Tamar died,
your kids' situation
has become a total disgrace.
They show up in dirty,
mismatched clothes...
I fixed that, I bought each kid a set in
matching colors. It'll get sorted out soon.
Jonathan comes to school with no food
I make him sandwiches at home.
I make him one every morning!
-He hates cheese!
I don't believe it. -I wrote you that
5 times. He doesn't touch it.
Amir hates cheese,
Jonathan hates tahini, Eden hates tomatoes.
Don't confuse me.
Carmit, lighten up!
Tamar hid stuff from me.
What did she hide from me?
Why do you think that?
She had an app that deletes
messages completely
and a Gmail account
with a password I don't know.
So she cheated on you. You know
how many married women I screwed?
Siso, shut up, asshole.
Who asked you to butt in?
Moron. Let the men talk.
I'm up.
-Good luck.
Break a leg.
-It's a pretty tough crowd.
Good luck, Michelle,
knock 'em dead!
The most important thing is,
you were happy together.
-She was perfect, the best.
I loved her even when she was insane.
-Yeah...
I want to show you something.
This is my daughter Agam.
Wow.
-Isn't she sweet?
Unreal. -Yep.
-What a sweetie.
Her mom took her with her to Belgium.
-Seriously? -Yeah.
Said she's not coming back unless
I give her half a million shekels. -Ouch.
I have to save up another
356,000 shekels.
You were married?
-Yeah, take a look.
A physics and chemistry doctoral
student, totally outta my league.
I see she's on a pole.
It's a sport.
Don't give me that look,
there's pole dancing as a sport.
Why did you break up?
The usual story.
She cheated on you?
How do you know the kid is yours?
-I cheated on her. —
Listen, Nehama, I feel it in my bones
Tamar didn't cheat on you.
Nehama, you're going out with us tonight.
We got some medical pot.
Can I put you down
as a 4th orgy member?
Come on, I have a great apartment
we'll hook you up,
give you the complete
sensory experience.
I'm in.
-Yes !
Don't worry, if something happens
I'll give you CPR.
There's pole dancing as a sport.
But why the audience?
I'll warm up before the show.
Fuck that bitch!
Well, well!
A nun ! -Yeah?
-They're the kinkiest.
Are you dressed up
as something?
Don't you get it?
-What?
An apple...? Steve Jobs!
-Oh, nice.
It's his original turtleneck,
got in on eBay. -Nice. -$1,500.
You make too much money, Arik.
-You bet.
Where've you been? I hate when
you leave me alone at these parties.
You look so beautiful.
I bet lots of guys who don't know
you're married have been hitting on you.
Are you nuts?
Everyone here knows I'm your wife.
I'm totally wasted,
let's get a cab.
Give me your phone,
I'll order one.
Why is it locked with a code?
Because the kids keep
downloading games and ruining it.
I need it to run smoothly, I'm in all
the kids' school WhatsApp groups.
You wanna say bye to your Dana
before we leave?
My Dana? She's not my Dana.
-She's got a crush on you.
Are you nuts?
I barely even spoke to her tonight.
How do you tell
who's having an affair at work?
You go to a party and spot the two
people who barely talk to each other.
Whoa, back up...
Are you nuts?
I didn't say anything happened,
but she'd like to,
and so would you. -Nonsense.
Besides, she has a boyfriend.
Like that would stop her from wanting Hitler
What an awful costume.
I couldn't go as Stalin
because he killed Alexei's dad.
He celebrates his death
at the office every year.
I' ve got no feelings towards her.
Relax, she's pretty cute.
If I die,
consider her for chapter 2,
although she seems the type that
won't want you once you're available.
No, I'll choose a woman with big boobs
I won't make the same mistake twice.
Go say goodbye to her and let's go.
-Forget it.
Nobody talked to me the entire party.
-No wonder.
Hitler, of all people...
-They don't get my humor. It's genius.
Nobody gets your humor.
-But it's funny. -It's not.
Lenny Bruce was also kicked off stage
before he made it big-time.
Does Dana get your humor?
Party
Someone's at the door.
-Open it.
Asi, what's up?
Look who's here,
Mr. Asi Dvora in the flesh.
He's a multi-millionaire.
Nehama, hey,
what are you doing here?
What's up, Dvora?
This is my driver David,
my license was revoked. David, come here.
This is Nehama
I told you about,
we were a duo a few years back
Dvora & Nehama.
You can go back now.
-We were Nehama & Dvora for 3 years
until he switched the order in the paper.
-Because Dvora & Nehama sounds better.
Don't mean to argue,
but Nehama & Dvora sounds better,
and it didn't bother you
until you saw our ad in the paper.
What else did he tell you about me?
-I heard you started performing
on amateur night
like I suggested.
That's lovely.
Yeah, I'm gonna book Fridays,
half of Sunday,
half of Mond
open a box office in Tzavta Theater
and raise the roof.
See that, Nehama?
Dvora, that's how you do it.
Not like you, sleeping with
the producer's daughter
to promote his career.
This is how it's done.
I hope you make it,
but today's market is tough.
Everybody's doing standup.
It'll be way tougher for everyone
once I'm out the re.
Asi, come have a shot.
Excuse me while I have a shot.
-Did you have a fling with Tamar?
Huh, you bastard?
Whoa ! What's
with you, Nehama?
Who do you think you are
raising a hand on me?!
Did you bring her here?
You always had the hots for her
giving her the sad puppy look.
You're a pe rve rt!
Yes, I loved her,
and you knew it, so?
I spotted her first during our show
but she chose to marry you,
so you're trying to rub it in now?
Why did she delete
all your messages?
There's one message from you
left in her phone: "Yes."
What the fuck "yes"?
You're an idiot and a moron
and you didn't deserve
a woman like Tamar.
She was the most faithful
woman in the world.
For 20 years I've been trying
to find a woman like her
and now you're badmouthing her?
Why did she delete
your messages, Asi?
Because we were planning
your birthday party.
Don't you get it, you jerk?
Nehama, you've had too much
to drink and smoke, you're trippin'.
I didn't drink or smoke anything.
I share a bed every night with my two
youngest kids, Itai and Jonathan.
Jonathan wakes up crying every night
because he has no friends.
He's such a great kid, he's smart, but he
has no friends, I can't understand why.
I can't get stoned.
I need to be there for him.
He started it, you saw.
- Fine.
He could've hit me in the face!
Dvora... -What?
Your driver David
is blocking my car.
Wait, did you drink?
Then go move the car.
Who double-parks?
Let me see.
Wow, you're such a light sleeper.
I just sit down and you wake up.
How's it going, moron?
Okay.
Oren,
what do you think
Tamar was hiding from me?
Guy, what's with the interrogation
in the middle of the night?
What if she cheated on me?
Even if she did,
does it matter now?
Of course it does.
means I've been living
I'm sacrificing myself for her dreams,
but if she was unfaithful, it's not worth it
Sacrificing yourself?
You have great kids, you idiot.
Just today Amir
taught me about the Ice Age.
Did you know that humans
ate Neanderthals?
Where was I
when they taught that?
You're not even gonna lie and tell me
I'm wrong and that she was faithful?
Why? When I told you Michal was cheating,
did you say anything?
No. Why?
Because you're right, bro.
Everybody cheats.
Not Tamar and me.
We were special.
Tamar was special.
Who the hell are you, you dick?
I always thought you were a perfect dad
but now I know it was all Tamar's work.
I decided to have a kid.
Yep.
you can, so can
I'm glad I help you
get ahead in life.
Mine, yours or Tamar'
-Mine.
It's Dana.
"You awake?
Wow.
"Yes,
are you checking up on me
"as part of your volunteer work
with autistic kids?"
What did she write?
"I'm beat. Ofer took me
to an expensive restaurant
"and dumped me.
He doesn't want me anymore.
What do I write?
"Wherever you are,
I'm coming to fuck you.
"All men are scum.
"How insensitive,
"he's a worthless jerk.
"You deserve better."
I'm the WhatsApp king, bro.
What did she reply?
Typing, typing, typing...
Typing, typing, blah, blah, typing...
-Non-stop.
"I've been crying for 2 hours straight.
He heard we're flying abroad together
"and said it's over.
I can't believe he doesn't trust me.
"Glad you're awake. Wish you had
a babysitter." Go to her, now.
I'm not going. -Yes, you are.
-No, I'm not. -Then I am.
Are you stupid?
Go to her, now.
Cut it out.
-No, go to her. - Fo rget
Bro, this isn't an orgy
in a standup comedian's apartment,
this girl is classy.
-Oren, I'm not going.
Guy,
you gotta be a friend to her,
she needs advice,
she needs a shoulder
she needs some cock.
No, Oren.
"Where are you?
I'll put on some cologne and come.
Yes !
Oh, man...
Wow.
-I'll drive you there.
Smell if I need cologne.
Hey.
-Hi, Dana.
Want to order a drink?
Sure, let's go crazy.
Got any natural drinks?
I'll have some ginger tea.
No caffeine.
Don't laugh at old people.
The caffeine gives me
heartburn at night.
And put the sugar on the side...
They always add too much.
And also a touch of lemon.
No problem.
-For vitamin C.
Listen, I ran over Ofer on the way here.
-Great.
Yeah, he's roadkill. He was weeping
the last few seconds of his life.
Good.
I'll give you a raise on Sunday.
Aren't you going to mourn him?
He'll come crawling back, you know.
By tomorrow he'll be begging.
To be honest, Nehama,
I was mostly surprised by his timing.
I was going to dump him anyway
when we got back from L.A.
I just... have never
been dumped before, so...
I'm learning to deal with it. -But why
are you upset if you planned to dump him?
Why did I come here this late?
I'm going home.
Because... I'm not used to
I'm no ordinary girl, I'm a babe.
I don't get dumped.
Ask anyone in Carmiel,
I'm hard to get.
If I ask someone in Carmiel,
you'll know I've hit rock bottom.
That town didn't even
make it into "Monopoly.
How could anyone dump you?
I don't get it.
I don't know,
maybe I'm at the age...
I'm not the same.
Dana ... -I don't know.
You look amazing.
You're as pretty as that moment
when a rollercoaster takes a dip.
Remember the office party on Purim
a year and a half ago?
When you went as a hooker? -I was a fox.
-Everyone said you went as a hooker.
Why?
- Stockings, mini - garter belt.
I had fox ears and a furry vest.
You're right, it would confuse
even a professional biologist.
If you were in England,
they'd sic the dogs at you.
I was smoking pot
on the balcony.
And I was hiding there because
my costume didn't amuse anybody.
You went as Hitler!
-It was innovative. -Yeah.
And I yelled at you: "Stop, Jew!"
I clearly remember it,
and I told you
that many girls in the Holocaust had affairs
with high-ranking Nazis in order to survive
and that nobody outranks Hitler.
-Right.
I remember that.
I think that. . .
if I wasn't married,
at that moment I think...
I'd have tried to kiss you.
Well, you're not married now.
Nehama, I didn't know
you had urges.
Kind of.
Come here.
-Whe re?
Come here.
You know, as a boss, trying to kiss your
employee is considered sexual harassment.
So sue me, Nehama.
I'll hire the best lawyer
and take everything you've got.
Here you go.
Thanks.
You're welcome.
Dana, I think I'll get going.
I promised Jonathan
I'd sleep next to him tonight.
He constantly wakes up and
he'll never forgive me if I'm not there.
For real, you're gonna leave now?
It's happening too fast, I'm nervous.
-Too fast? -It's too soon.
Dana,
in two days we'll be in L.A.
in a neutral environment,
we'll eat out,
you'll get me drunk,
slip drugs into my tea...
And things will happen,
I want them to happen,
I have for a long time,
but not here.
The re.
All right.
What happens in L.A.
stays in L.A.
They say that about Eilat.
Is everybody showered
and dressed in matching sets?
Well done, Shir.
If you get them to shower once
while I'm abroad, that'd be awesome.
Hopefully we'll all be here
when you get back.
Funny.
Cheer up, guys.
It's only 10 days,
I'll be back in no time.
I have to do this to support our family,
put food on the table, it's basic.
Arik would've fired me otherwise.
You 'll be fine.
Come on, Jonathan, smile.
Dad, we'll be fine.
-See?
That's the Eden, way
to go. Listen to Eden.
I'll go get my suit. I might be performing
at the Comedy Cellar in L.A.
Maybe he'll come back happier.
-Maybe he won't come back at all.
That'd be best.
My cab is waiting.
Shi rush...
My main man.
Johnny...
I took all your photos with me.
Except one.
Just kidding.
Be right there!
The candy cabinet isn't locked.
What is it, Shirush?
-Talk to your moron son.
Jonathan won't come home.
He's hiding in the bushes at school
and he won't go to basketball
or come home.
What happened? -There's no bathroom
and he went in his pants.
Number 1?
-No, number 2.
Oh, shit.
-Exactly, Dad, shit.
He stinks, I'm not touching him.
Shirush, listen, you can do this.
Take him home
and hose him down outside, okay?
There are rubber gloves
under the sink.
I'm trusting you, okay?
-I'm not cleaning him up!
Are you kidding me?!
You do it!
Face it, I'm a child!
I'm a fuckin' child!
I don't exist anymore,
don't you get it?
I'm abroad as far as you're concerned.
Okay?
They're calling me from security.
Tell your siblings not to call.
I'll call you. Bye.
Shirush, listen, I can make it.
It's at 8:30. I'll take a cab home.
Okay. -And this isn't cool!
I'm coming, so wait for me. Bye.
Ladies and gentlemen,
you're requested not to park...
Nehama, I'm going in. I'm so excited.
I'll get us some coffee.
Dad! Dad!
Where is he?
-Over there.
Johnny...
Johnny boy...
Johnny... -Go away.
-Johnny, please come with me.
Johnny...
-No...
Johnny, come with me.
-No, go away. -Come with me.
I wanna die.
Come here, buddy. -No.
-I don't smell anything.
Nobody can tell that
you had an accident.
They all looked at me and laughed!
I wanna die, Dad!
Who laughed at you?
- Eve rybody.
Say who,
I'll beat the crap outta them.
I want us to move, Dad,
let's move to another country,
another city,
I don't wanna be here!
Johnny, you can't stay in the bushes.
Come here, okay?
Johnny, look at me.
Johnny,
I'm sorry I wasn't here for you,
I should've been and I wasn't
and I apologize.
I didn't think this would happen.
-I wanna die.
I'm sorry, Johnny, okay?
Come with me, let's go home
you, me and Shir, okay?
Let's go home, Johnny.
I'll clean you up.
Give me your hand and let's go.
Come here, buddy,
I'm sorry I wasn't here for you.
Come, you don'
Let's go.
I don't think I have
any green underwear left.
I brought you Amir's underwear
we won't tell him.
Make them smaller
like I taught you.
The socks almost match
very similar colors.
Jonathan.
Johnny, I. . .
Shir, Eden, Amir...
-Dad, listen...
I called Oren, he's waiting
for you downstairs in a cab.
Listen, the school hurt our Jonathan,
they humiliated him.
- Basta rds.
Jonathan wishes he were dead
and there's only one way to fix
By loving him and hugging him?
-Of course,
but we need to do something else.
We're going to take revenge.
I've got toilet paper, wet wipes
and this bottle.
We're gonna fuck them up.
Get ready, put your shoes on,
and wait by the car when he's dressed.
That'll teach them
not to mess with the Nehamas.
Do you all feel the castor oil
in your stomach? -Yep.
You all feel it coming?
-Yep.
We're at war
and the opening shot
was given by
our adorable soldier here
who left something
very hot and steamy in his diaper
to give to this fucking school.
Line up, everybody.
Dad, Mom would never
let you do this.
You didn't know her
as well as I did.
Here you go, ma'am.
Crouch.
Assume the position.
Shir, you'll reg ret
not doing this with us.
Ready? -Yes.
-Bombs away!
Good, Jonathan, second time today.
You're undoubtedly my son.
Shir, look at this triumph!
Come on!
Come quickly,
the guards will catch us
and they won't like seeing
the school covered in poop.