Nehama (2019): Season 1, Episode 1 - Episode #1.1 - full transcript
Too bad you're not picking up.
You know what I hate
about you the most?
That you always make me
the bad guy.
I'm the nicest woman in the world
but you'll always make me out
to be the bad guy.
You're the one who
made me say you're not funny,
even though no one
makes me laugh like you do.
Tamar, wake up,
I had a bad dream.
I don't feel well.
I read that some people's hearts
tilt to the right.
Get up,
take me to the hospital.
I have to go to the hospital.
The heart is no laughing matter.
I won't forgive you for ruining my nap.
-I want to sleep too, so?
Go alone,
you're fine.
I'm the only breadwinner for 5 kids,
I can't take the risk,
if I'm in an accident,
you won't get the insurance.
You can't get in a car
knowing that you're sick.
Hey! Did I scare you?
There won't be any accident, sweetie.
Come to Daddy.
Daddy will be okay, Itai.
Daddy's a superhero.
Get outta my room.
-Mom and I have to go to the hospital.
I say it's nothing,
but she thinks I'm having a heart attack.
Take Itai.
-I can't, I'm busy.
Then maybe Wednesday?
Open your planner
and see if it's okay for me
to have a heart attack.
Now take Itai.
-I said I can't!
Shir! My right side is killing me.
What do you want me to do?
Mom! Why do you think
Dad is having a heart attack?
He's having a stroke.
These aren't stroke symptoms,
don't scare the kids.
Shir,
take
Shir, I said take Itai.
Dad, the heart's on the left,
not the right.
Don't be a smartass,
Johnny? Johnny.
Take Itai.
That's an order!
Look how cute.
Amir. Eden. Shir.
Take
Mom and I are tidying up.
Laundry? Now?
Is this your value system?
-Stop it.
Shir, the fun's over,
take him, okay?
I've helped you out
tons of times.
I'll have to wait there for ages.
So Dad, to the hospital?
-Yes, Mom's worried,
my heart tilts to the right.
You're putting on makeup?!
Are you going to meet
a hot ER doctor to replace me?
-Who ate all the cookies?
I'll weigh you
and find out who it was.
It was me.
Cut the drama.
Why did you eat them all?
-I got a craving.
What's with the long face?
-What's wrong?
Nothing.
I don't want a different dad.
Dad.
-Nice accent.
Yeah. -Eden, you're amazing.
Everything's fine.
Congratulations, WH-questions.
Great, Eden. Take Itai.
Take Itai. Eden
-Stop it!
Fuck this, you're all morons.
-Calm down.
Dad's last words to his kids...
"You're all morons.
Kids, don't worry.
Dad is fine, you know him.
Just keep the house clean.
Mom and I tidied up.
Keep it that way.
Men don't know
how to look for stuff.
They look for their wa
open the drawer,
“I can't find it." The girlfriend
opens the drawer: "Here it is."
She walks away, he opens it,
no wallet.
That's so not funny.
It's funny, it's true.
It's shitty material.
I can't believe you're laughing.
-Please. Men really can't find anything.
The drawer is open
and the wallet's right there. It's funny.
He's not that successful,
his career is floundering.
You're friends, he loves you.
-We used to be friends.
. ..whatever you say
that happened in Colombia.
I don't believe he stole my line.
Get some new material, Asi.
That wasn't his?
-I wrote it.
Nurse, I'm in pain,
my heart tilts to the right.
I have 5 kids,
the only breadwinner...
Can you talk to them?
Nothing else you want to tell her?
When you graduated high school,
where you served in the army...
When she gets back.
Thank you.
Did you see that doctor
coming on to me?
How unprofessional.
-I don't think so.
I love it when you're jealous.
If I die,
will you date other people?
I don't know, maybe.
It'll take some time.
You'll wait till the shiva's over
and get it on with Asi Dvora?
He had the hots for you.
-No, he didn't.
Oh, yes, he did.
- Fine.
I can't believe
you said he's funny.
I was funny.
At 24 I was the funniest person ever.
I was a comic genius.
Will you date other women when I die?
-Of course.
You'll let them meet the kids?
-They'll be part of my life.
Will you let a woman
live in our house?
A 19-year-old won't want
to live with 5 kids.
You see?
I'm funny,
but from an original and honest place,
where it's painful and funny.
Not like Asi, the moron.
Remember when we had sex in a cave
and I got cave fever?
Then in the hospital, we did it again?
I'm not having sex with you.
-Why so negative?
You're hooked up to an EKG,
you're having a heart attack...
I'm not going to undress here.
You don't have to undress.
It's my birthday next week.
What did we say?
Holidays, birthdays, new moon.
Oh, that's right, shit.
Do it for love of country.
Hi. -Hi.
Okay, I have some news.
of all, your heart doesn't
to the right. -No way!
I don't know who told you that.
-I've been living this illusion...
Go figure where the charlatan is now,
he was on call, they're the worst.
I'm an on-call doctor, too.
This one made house calls,
bottom of the barrel.
You make house calls too, right?
Why are you letting me talk?
Go on.
Your EKG is satisfactory,
but there's a sharp rise
in cardiac dysrhythmia. It's odd.
Oh, he... got excited
for a moment there.
I want you to stay overnight
so we can monitor you.
The dysrhythmia
and your history of convulsions...
He doesn't have convulsions.
He's fine.
And we know
what caused the dysrhythmia.
Tamar! The doctor wants
to keep me overnight!
What for?
Do you have convulsions?
No, and the dysrhythmia...
Tell Dr. Anna
why you had dysrhythmia.
You don't say no
to a night in the hospital.
How long did the dysrhythmia last?
90 seconds.
You don't want him overnight
for 90 seconds of dysrhythmia.
He's fine. Thank you.
Let's go, we're late.
Late where? -Come on.
Why are you so upset?
I ain't pushing you
in a wheelchair, you freak.
I'd push you too, it's fun.
-Nehama!
Wait!
She has the hots for me.
She wants me.
Let me, just this once.
I'll knock her up
and come back to you.
Yes? -I showed your test results
to the senior physician.
Like I said, your heart is fine,
but your chest-abdomen scan
shows a finding.
Oh no.
-What finding?
There's a spot in the pancreas,
but 95% of the time it's nothing.
What about the other 5%?
-It's nothing, Nehama.
We sent your blood work to the lab,
it takes a few days,
we'll rule out the worst
and you'll know you're healthy.
Okay.
Promise you won't look it up online.
Okay.
Okay.
-Thank you. -Bye.
Calm down.
I do have this shooting pain here.
-That's enough.
You'll
be fine.
Pancreatic cancer.
She told you
not to look it up.
But I did.
I can't take it back.
It's a death sentence.
You don't have cancer, it doesn't make sense.
-What's sense got to do with it?
How many times
have we had this conversation?
All those unnecessary
It's the deadliest cancer.
It puts melanoma to shame.
That time they almost
cut your ball off?
I wanted a biopsy 'cause my ball hurt
because you didn't have
enough sex with me.
Fine.
-You we re lazy...
Any man whose wife doesn't have sex
with him runs to get a ball biopsy...
You jinxed me
with all that talk about my death.
No, I talked about my death,
you just don't listen.
My life is one huge mistake.
How will the kids remember me?
As a sweet dad who went
to the hospital a lot for nothing.
There's something I didn't tell you.
Two days ago...
I fell asleep on the train
and missed my station
and then I came back.
I had two hours of qu
To be honest,
it was the best moment I had
in the past 5 years.
What do you think about that?
I'm so sick of you! -What?
I won't tell you anything anymore.
I just went down on you in the hospital
and your best moment
is getting senile
and not getting off at your station?
Darn it!
Don't blame me
that your life sucks.
I know you're stressed out
because of the pancreatic cancer, but...
We have to deal with it together.
We can't be at odds now.
I'm so sick of
-Why?
We had a moment in the hospital.
We had some fun. Wait up.
Tamar.
It's not my fault my life sucks.
And going down on me in the hospital
doesn't change that!
Happy birthday, idiot.
-Surprise!
Happy birthday!
You rascal.
It's next week!
It's called a surprise.
-Now I'm really having a heart attack,
on the left side.
Oh my god...
Wait, I want to make sure
I heard right.
My daughter went down on you
in the hospital?
Mom, really...
She got that from me.
I'm the wild one.
Ew, Grandma
You' re ruining my
What did she do?
-Gave him a blowjob.
Kids, come to Daddy!
My darling kids.
-Happy birthday, Dad.
Tamar, good for you.
-Stop it.
You should give Michal
some tips,
make my life better.
Where is she?
-She doesn't feel well and we had a fight.
Dana.
-Nehama.
The baby suits you.
-You animals.
Hello!
Hi.
-Dvora!
Asi!
Asi Dvora!
Nehama!
Nehama!
Asi Dvora!
Waze couldn't find the address.
Is this a settlement
or the State of Israel?
Go on,
tell everyone you grew up in Yavne.
He deleted it from Wikipedia,
you Internet scammer.
Welcome.
Wow, wow..
Tamari, look at you!
Nehama, people must think
she's your daughter.
How's it going?
-Good.
Happy birthday.
Hello, everyone.
How are you?
We men are morons,
we can't find anything.
You open the drawer,
where's the wallet,
where's the wallet?
Your girlfriend opens the drawer,
"Here's the wallet!"
You close the drawer, open the drawer,
no wallet. How can that be?
When you retired,
you killed me, man.
I didn't retire.
-You killed me...
Why do you say that?
-I was upset, bro,
I thought
you were an idiot for leaving...
But I didn't leave...
-But I look at you and I'm envious.
Look at this family you have.
Great kids.
A hot wife.
This babe that
is crazy about you, man.
My dear brother,
you have roots.
I still have sex with a different
meaningless chick every night.
You won, Nehama.
A different chick every night?
meaningless.
Now I know they're playing me.
What's your name
and what do you do?
Dana Khen,
I work with your brother, Nehama.
My job is to look death in the eye
every day, Dana Khen.
You're in pest control?
I'm a police social worker.
I just completed my internship.
Yesterday was the first time
I informed a woman her husband died.
They say the first time is the hardest.
It sounds awful.
Who did you inform?
Ravit Zanguri.
Newlywed, no kids. An oddball,
works at a supermarket.
Her husband was stabbed in the heart,
over a parking spot.
Listen, you're smokin'
Dana Khen.
But you're not gonna get me
in bed.
Oh.
you're not my type.
I see. -Second...
-Tell me more about Ravit Zanguri.
I got the call at 7:20.
I just fell asleep,
didn't even brush my teeth.
Do I look presentable?
I walk in and the manager says
Ravit is in the frozen food section.
Which was odd,
usually she's in the dairy section.
Maybe she had a feeling.
My heart was racing,
my palms were sweaty.
I see her from afar.
Not pretty, not ugly.
I say:
"Hello, I'm a police social worker.
Hello, Ravit.
I tell her her husband was murdered,
that he's dead.
She starts crying
and my heart breaks.
I feel immense love
for this poor woman.
I hold her and I want to cry.
In a different world I know
we'd get married and have kids
and I get this thought in my head
that drives me crazy -
Are her boobs real or not?
And then I knew, they're real.
I can't take the intense emotions
and I get such a hard-on.
Mine are real.
I see you looking.
Next time it'll be easier.
They say these things
make you stronger.
Come in and dance.
Wanna dance?
No, I'll pass,
but you go, have fun.
Kids, that's enough!
It looks real, but it's not
it's synthetic.
Hey, Dana.
-Hey.
I'm so glad you came.
I'm glad Tamar invited you.
She invited all the people you love.
I'm not sure about that...
Listen, Tamar is hot.
How does she do it?
She purges after meals.
Tell me, do I have
a yellow spot in my eye?
Tamar warned me
not to play into your hands
and talk to you about death.
There's nothing there.
Your brother seems interesting.
Oren?
Once you get to know him,
there's nothing there.
No depth.
Hi, Asi.
-Bro, I'm off.
Good man.
I have to tell you... Forgive me.
-It's okay.
I don't know funny people,
I don't watch TV,
but you crack me up, I swear.
-Thanks, sweetheart.
And I was too shy to ask you
for a selfie, but...
how about a picture of me alone?
Let's do
I'll take the picture.
No, that's okay.
-We look good.
Thanks.
My pleasure.
Send it to me. -Okay.
Bye, buddy.
-Bye.
Happy birthday.
Bye, thanks.
-Sure thing.
Guys, I'm off.
Dana, hold on.
Asi!
Asi!
Asi
Asi.
I was thinking...
What, you're not driving?
No, I have a driver.
My license was revoked.
You don't say.
Listen...
I was thinking
that in one of your gigs...
I'll do 10-15 minutes of new material.
Are you serious, bro?
It doesn't work like that.
You can't retire
and come back 20 years
It's not like riding a bike,
it's a muscle you gotta flex.
You keep saying I retired, I didn't retire,
you left me. -I didn't leave you,
you were always late.
-Because Tamar got pregnant.
You made your decision, bro.
You think you can stand in front of
500 people and make them laugh?
How about I come to your company
and write code?
I don't write code.
I haven't for years.
I do presentations in front of
dozens of people, I crack them up.
I'm amazing,
you should come see me.
I was always funny,
you know that.
In my heart I'm a performer.
Listen...
Go to amateur night.
Practice.
It's a profession.
Besides, I don't have...
a warm-up act.
I work alone.
I'm glad I came,
your people enjoyed me.
Happy birthday, buddy.
Okay. . .
David, we're off.
How many cylinders?
-Who's counting? Tons.
Let's go, David.
Bye, bro.
Idea for a short story
about the tragedy of artists.
Johann Sebastian Bach was
the greatest composer in history.
Greater than Mozart, Brahms,
and Justin Bieber.
Well, that's a matter of taste
some prefer Bieber.
Baby, baby, baby, oh...
No one knows that while Bach
worked in Weimar,
trying to create a reputation
and a good life,
in a small village nearby
lived Yehoshua Yehoyachim Mendelbaum.
Mendelbaum was a genius organ player
at the local synagogue.
He and Johann Sebastian Bach
were good friends.
Whenever Mendelbaum
walked in the woods,
divine music would fill his brain.
Johann Sebastian Bach is here
to see you.
That charlatan . . .
Dear Johann, how are you?
How is it going in Weimar,
our music capital?
Don't ask.
It's so hard, I'm all dried out.
Bach tells him that every Sunday
he has to bring a new concert to the church
that he's dried up
and has no new ideas.
I can't sleep.
I spend every night
with a different woman
a different meaningless woman.
That wasn't the time
Bach paid him a visit.
He had a plan. The sly man
leads Mendelbaum to the barn
where the latter keeps
all his compositions.
I just want to tell you that I'm
a huge fan, Johann Sebastian.
Normally I wouldn't ask,
but I'd like my son
to draw a sketch of us.
As Mendelbaum's wife talks to him,
Bach has only one thing on his mind.
What is that?
A little composition
I jotted down while waiting
for the kids to come out of school.
Please.
That's powerful.
Bach is flustered,
green with envy.
He envisions grabbing the sheet music
and running away.
Or worse, coming back at night,
killing Mendelbaum
and stealing his compositions.
Who will people believe?
A Jewish peasant
or Weimar's greatest composer?
This is powerful material.
Take it.
-Are you serious?
Bach, I have tons in my barn...
Yehoshua Mendelbaum
will be a synonym for genius.
But it didn't happen.
One day, on his routine walk,
he was assailed by immense pain
that shot down his right arm.
He didn't know
his heart tilted to the right.
Thus, Yehoshua Mendelbaum died.
Right after his death,
his son Mendel Mendelbaum,
known as "the idiot,"
went into the barn
to ease his pain.
He decided to smoke a cigaretta
for the first time ever.
And since he was a klutz...
the real tragedy happened.
Oh no!
Mendel Mendelbaum fled
leaving nary a trace.
Eventually he'll establish Hungarian Jewry
and invent the Hebrew letter "final Kaf."
The end.
Who were you talking
I recorded some ideas
for Technosystems.
Come to bed, we'll talk.
I'll take the kids to bed,
then go for a walk.
Really?
Okay.
Great.
Please don't wake up now.
No, no, no.
Go back to sleep. Shh...
Oh my god...
We'll leave Amir here,
he'll be surprised in the morning.
Dad, I don't think Asi Dvora
is funny, either.
He's a disgusting chauvinist.
Bravo, Eden.
I'll remember you in my will.
The house is practically yours anyway.
I'm Uzbek.
We're unlucky people.
I'm always in the weird
and hairy category.
"Marina, did you say
you're from Caucasia?
"Uh, from Georgia,
uh, a chimpanzee?"
The difference between ethnic origins
is the degree the parents are relatives.
Once I asked my mom:
"Why did you agree to marry Dad?"
So she said: “Marina,
you don't choose your family.1
I'm a new mom,
I have a 9-month-old, how crazy is that?
You can't tell, right?
That I'm suicidal?
Thank you.
Last time I had sex
was in my 9th month.
The doctor said it induces labor
so I had sex with the doctor.
Nehama.
Dana.
The Pastinis are here.
Is our presentation ready?
Our presentation?
-Yes, it's ready.
Arik, we can't sell them this system.
It's not for them. -Okay.
They're just a grandpa
and grandson who work together.
It won't work on their compute
I say, first you shove
the umbrella up their ass,
then you open it slowly.
We'll sell them the system
and then we'll adapt it.
Arik, grandpa and grandson,
they have money issues,
they're getting thrown off the shelves,
all kinds of illegal shit...
Who cares?
What are you, "60 Minutes"?
The grandfather told me
he's an amazing man.
He founded
the wilderness classes up north.
That's him?
I'm so moved...
Sell them the system, okay?
Shove the umbrella up their ass,
open it slowly...
very slowly.
He's a scumbag.
A motherfucker.
Stalin, the guy's Stalin.
We're lying to our clients.
"Our presentation..."
When did that bastard ever contribute?
Can't even open
a Word file on his own.
He needs Ruti to take a piss.
The man's an idiot.
Thinks we can't tell
he's wearing a toupee.
Looks like a dead cat
on his head.
Look, see anything different?
Five fingers?
I told you to get rid of the sixth one.
It was so '90s, when people
sang and had a sixth finger.
Look, you idiot!
-What, the ring?
I don't notice your external changes,
don't you get it?
Have a sex change operation,
it'll take me a month to notice.
You don't look at me?
I'm not allowed, am I?
I'm getting married.
-No way. -Yes.
Wow!
-Yes.
Wow!
Wow!
What...?
Ofer came over the other day.
He knelt down and proposed.
It was very exciting,
you know, at home...
At home is the best.
People think that Paris is romantic.
There's no place like home.
It's familiar, cheap.
-Yes. -Available.
Wow, congratulations.
-Thanks.
I'm sorry I didn't tell you
at your party, it was...
You're not together.
No, we. . .
we split up,
but we're together.
ng apart for over 6 months
is not a split, it's not
together, it' s strangers.
He cheated on you.
No, he didn't.
-You told me so.
He didn't cheat on me.
-More than once.
He didn't cheat on me.
It's just that his ex is a bitch,
she showed up
with cleavage and a thong
and started...
Whatever, everyone has problems.
Don't you and Tamar?
-Not really. -Okay...
I have problems, I'm fucked up,
but Tamar and I are solid.
You said he was verbally abusive,
he stole money from
F your bank account.
Whatever. Listen,
congratulations.
I'm happy for you.
You deserve the best.
Yes.
Are you ready?
For years I...
' -They're here.
Pastini!
So good to see you.
How are you?
-Fine.
Did he pass the tryouts?
-I did, so did he.
I told you, you practice, you pass.
It's great to see you.
He built the Gaaton trail.
Wow, that's amazing.
Hello?
-What's up?
Shir came home
and announced she's a vegetarian.
But she hates animals.
She even kicked a dog once.
She doesn't want to be
an accomplice to murder.
And I made schnitzel
and rice with peas.
Of course.
-So?
She hates rice with peas...
I said:
“You'll eat what I made.
Good for you. All that groveling.
I hate parents
who spoil their kids.
They're a fucked-up generation.
You don't have to cook
especially for her.
Yes, so I made her
spaghetti in cream sauce.
You're the best.
You're an amazing mom.
-You just said I shouldn't grovel.
It's not groveling, it's loving.
You're good at it.
Okay.
Are you at the train station?
-No, I'm in Petah Tikva.
What's in Petah Tikva?
A birthday present.
Why in Petah Tikva?
It's a surprise,
I'll show you at home.
Okay, have fun.
-Bye, honey.
I'm home.
What's up, Tamari?
I got a call from the hospital.
-And?
It's not good.
I don't believe you.
You're totally healthy,
your pancreas is like new.
Yes!
Lucky ducky.
I swear, I'm a lucky ducky.
Who's the luckiest man in the world?
Me! Right? Yes!
Anna said hi and asked
if you want to spend the night
with her after all.
Tell her to wait in the exam room
with a white coat on.
Tamar, you're so hot.
Everyone says so.
Who says so?
-Oren, Dana, me.
The peeping Tom who's always watching you.
We should call the cops...
You mean Dana Khen,
the babe from your office?
She's your type, isn't she?
Not at all.
You don't know me at all.
She's getting married.
So you lost her, too.
-Get off it.
I only want you.
Give me a hug.
Come here!
Wow!
Today I'm gonna go wild
and eat two eggs.
With butter too,
I'm this close to butter.
Now you lost it.
-No. Grape seed oil.
I'll do the dishes.
The kids don't get how close they came
to losing their father.
We won't tell them, okay?
Okay, I wash, you dry,
like in those stupid American movies.
Ready? -Yes.
-Don't peek.
Not yet, not yet.
You're gonna die,
I'm in shock myself.
I swear.
Are you nuts?
What is this? How much
did it cost? Who's gonna drive
The kids won't fit.
It's not for the kids.
I bought it for myself.
And for you, if you want.
I'll be driving it.
But you take the train
because of the traffic.
Okay. Other things
are gonna change, too.
With all the pancreatic cancer incident,
I started to reflect on my
and. . .
I have to do stand-up.
I have to.
Okay.
You don't think I can?
Of course you can.
At 24 I was the funniest person ever.
The buzz was insane.
Don't be nasty,
I was huge, hilarious.
Now I have a career that I hate
surrounded by repulsive people.
Is life only about money?
We had an agreement,
I stay home to raise the kids,
you go to work. -I don't remember
signing that agreement.
I didn't want 5 kids,
that was your career.
It's too late to say that now,
or to scream it, they may hear you.
You always did what you wanted, Tamar.
You raised them.
I see them at night
when they're asleep on the sofas,
I move them as if they're packages.
And the big kids hate me.
-No they don't.
They do,
they have an anti-Dad WhatsApp group.
And I bet
you're the group admin.
Don't lie. I know.
If I die tomorrow,
I leave nothing behind,
I'm fuckin' Yehoshua Mendelbaum.
-Then do stand-up.
I told you so many times,
just do it!
It's not that easy. It's a lifestyle,
it's like a muscle you have to flex.
And I'm the breadwinner of 5 kids.
-One more time
you say you're the breadwinner
of 5 kids,
I'll scream.
-But it's the truth,
'm the only breadwinner...
-I'm so sick of you.
Am I the reason you don't do stand-up?
Or the kids?
That's part
of -No, not
You don't have the guts.
Is that what you think?
That I don't have guts?
-Now you're offended?
I'm not your enemy.
And why do you need the applause
of strangers to be happy?
You're making it sound low,
but it's an art form.
It's bullshit. It's cheap love
from people you don't know.
And I don't have the guts to do it..
Now you're going to harp on that?
I'm going to do stand-up.
-Great, I'm all for it.
And I won't invite you, you'll have
to buy a ticket to see me.
The second graph shows...
-Hey.
Pastinis, how's it going?
Sorry I'm late.
What happened?
I came by car.
Man, what traffic!
We're wasting time...
-The country's at a standstill.
Great. Sit down.
Nehama, I was just explaining.
You saw the presentation
that I did myself,
I put my heart into it,
no product suits you better
than our Thank You 6'
Operating System.
Our license is German company based
and let's be honest,
with all the qualms,
the Germans are the best.
No other nation
could do what they did,
for better or worse...
It demands organization.
It's a fact.
So, let's do business.
Yes, but we're still paying a fortune.
You'll get a return on every dime,
just look at the productivity graph.
And don't forget our support.
We'll also...
make any changes you need
to the software after installation.
So you're getting an umbrella
with Nehama and Dana Khen,
our finest,
the finest in the market
and they're all yours.
So let's make a deal.
How about a discount?
Nehama, can you do something
about the price?
Nah.
-Help us out financially?
Nah, no need.
The price is pretty...
Our system isn't for you.
What?
You shouldn't buy it.
-Okay, Nehama.
Maybe in a few years
when you're bigger,
with bigger volumes, we can offer
some great tools. -Nehama...
I can give you
my friend Ami's number.
Ami the shutters' guy?
-He's with Docos Docos.
Arik, butt out.
I'll text you his number.
It's a waste of time.
-He'll give you a different tool,
simpler, less expensive,
perfect for your needs.
Nehama, thank you...
-Ours won't even work on your computers.
There, sent.
-Nehama, thanks for the input.
I always encourage them
to provide their input.
Let's meet again next week
and close this deal, okay?
I want you with us.
Not with some Ami who deals
in asbestos and shutters.
Thank you.
-Thank you.
Thank you for coming.
-Say hi to Simona. -Thanks.
Validate your parking.
-Good luck.
Let me know how it went with Ami.
Are you insane?
Do you have Alzheimer's?
They were about to sign.
See, Arik? I shoved the umbrella
up your ass and opened it in one go.
Bam! -Oh yeah?
-Yeah!
I'It show you "bam."
You're fired. Bam!
Fuck you!
-You're fired!
You asshole. Next week I'll fire you
in front of the entire team.
Calm down. -Fuck you.
-You idiot. -I'll tear you apart
Are you threatening the CEO?
tear you apart.
Put down that brochure.
-The fuck I will!
Nehama, I'm warning you.
Fuck off!
-Nehama, watch it.
I have a black belt in Capoeira.
If I had a drum, I'd fuck you up.
Watch out.
-Let's go, let's go!
No. . .
That's from Costa Rica.
-You fuckin' asmathic,
I'll hurl dust at you!
Nehama, stop it!
Not the laptop...
Nehama, I'll kick your ass.
Nehama, you have to calm down.
You're only alive
because Dana is here.
You're fired.
-I'm not throwing the laptop out of respect.
Get a job at a falafel joint.
What are you throwing? -Nehama!
Stop it! You'll both get hurt.
Hey! No, no, no.
Now that's disrespectful.
Yes, Arik. -That's like spitting on the flag,
that's a company tag.
Don't you dare!
-Yeah?
Not the tag!
You're a goner!
I'll burn you in this market!
Fuck off, Arik.
You' re finished! -Fuck off.
-You' re a goner.
Listen up, everyone.
I just had a fight with Arik,
I'm leaving the company
and I want to talk to you.
You've known me for years.
Look what's become of us.
We started out together,
we were innocent kids.
Now we're liars, we're cons.
Who's told a client
the truth recently?
Davidi? Danino?
Look at us. Alexei.
This isn't who we are.
We're frauds.
Davidi, when you started out
you were hot, you played squash,
now you're bald
and have a potbelly.
Yesterday you sold Segway
a program that they can't open.
You can't open it,
we lost the code,
a year ago,
no one talks about it.
What are we doing here?
Alexei, you were a commando soldier.
Are these the values they imparted?
you tell your commander:
"I'm a good man
like you wanted me to be?
"I have integrity?
"I have values?
Is this why you served in Syria?
And we're like slaves.
To whom? This Stalin?
Tell them about Stalin, Alexei.
Open your eyes.
Arik, everyone knows
you have a mistress in Munich.
Anywhere you go,
it's always through Munich.
Nehama. -You fly to Eilat
through Munich. How come?
And how much does it cost the company?
Nehama, get the hell out!
You'll crawl back on all fours.
Your fuckin' German girlfriend
will crawl on all fours.
Watch your mouth.
Dana?
Go to hell, all of you.
Nehama!
You'll regret this.
You'll all die in a room with AC.
Go on, run away.
You're lucky I didn't kill you.
Now get back to work.
You, pick up that chair.
Someone sit on it and work.
Someone give me a tag.
I can't leave without a tag.
I forgot it when I was fighting with Arik.
I need a tag to get out.
-No one give him a tag.
Someone give me a tag.
Jump out the window,
30 stories down.
Dana, give me a tag.
A kid with ADHD says to his dad
"I don't have any money."
"You can't count,
why would you have any money?"
Nice. A kid says:
"Dad, I don't have any money
"You got a money disorder,
you can't count, you got dysgraphia?"
Hey.
-Hey.
Awesome, you're home.
What happened?
I need you to pick Shir up from a friend,
I'm meeting with Orit.
I can't.
When?
-At 10:00.
And at 6:00 Jonathan has chess.
I'm performing at the Comedy tonight
I'm doing it.
I need you to set me up
a room alone,
with a mirror, so I can practice.
Use Shir's room.
She's at a friend, there's a mirror in there.
We won't tell her.
Okay.
And who'll pick her up?
I will, who else?
I'll ask Eden to watch Itai
for a few minutes.
Great.
By the way, I quit.
And this is how you tell me?
We agreed I'd do stand-up
and I have the guts.
But why did you quit?
I'll get 4 months
unemployment benefits...
and I thought you'd work, too.
I'm 39, I have 5 kids
and no experience,
who'll hire me?
Are you insane?
Call them, say you changed your mind.
-I can't, not after what I did.
You can't stop working,
you're the breadwinner
of 5 kids.
-I'll do stand-up.
You're not funny!
-I've had it with you!
When you argue it's no holds barred.
You shoot, shoot, shoot.
Do you get
what a bad move you made?
Find another high-tech job.
-Not this time.
I sacrificed my whole life
because you didn't have an abortion
and I had to marry you
and work like a dog.
You never asked me
to have an abortion.
Because I was young,
but you should've known
I gave up my dream because of you.
-You didn't give up anything because of me,
stop saying that!
You kept nagging:
"We have to buy an apartment,
"Lea is giving 52,000.
"You have to give something, too."
You made the easy choice.
Oh yeah? -You stayed home
and took the kids to the park.
You wouldn't last 2 minutes
doing what I do!
You'd lose it in 2 days
without a wife!
I'm going to my mom's.
What about Shir? Itai?
-Easy, take them to the park.
Work it out.
Tamar.
Who's the grandpa?
His name is Nehama.
No, he didn't have a sex change operation,
that's his name.
He wants to go on.
Oh yeah?
And tell jokes about landlines?
Does Rami know?
He's not picking up.
Listen, I'm going on fifth,
I do 10 minutes
and then I call you, okay?
Are you alright?
Where's the bathroom?
Over there.
You're gonna fuck them.
Turn their asses inside out.
You're the funniest man alive.
Yes, Shir.
Dad, where's Mom?
Is Itai alright? -Yes,
but we don't know where Mom is.
Mom went to Grandma's.
She didn't. Grandma's here,
she picked me up from class.
Give it to me.
Hello, Guy?
-What happened, Lea?
She called me, in tears
said you're a jerk
and I couldn't argue with her.
She said she was on her way
but she never showed up.
I thought you made up.
Lea, it's okay.
She went to a friend.
Keep calling her. I can't,
I'm going on stage.
-But she's not picking up.
Fine, I'll call her. Bye.
Fuck. . .
Stop it!
-But it's my turn...
Cut it out!
Don't touch me.
Tamari?
You're not picking up,
everyone's hysterical.
I'm sorry we fought.
I love you,
you're the love of my life.
I said stupid things
because I was stressed
about performing, okay?
We'll talk at home.
Call the kids, they're hysterical,
your mom's there.
Bye.
Too bad you're not picking up.
You know what I hate
about you the most?
That you always make me the bad guy.
I'm the nicest woman in the world
but you'll always make me out
to be the bad guy.
You're the one who made me
say you're not funny,
even though no one
makes me laugh like you.
Otherwise I would've left you
long ago,
because you're an idiot.
You have to fulfill yourse
Get on stage
and give 'em hell.
Nehama, what a surprise.
How's it going?
-Avital.
Good to see you.
Listen, you guys,
this guy, in '96,
I managed the bar,
he was the club's rising star.
This is great!
I came to give 'em hell.
-Really? Awesome.
Coffee anyone?
-No, I just emptied out.
What, Shir, what?!
-Your kids are morons.
I wanted to watch TV,
it's my turn, so I took the remote
and Eden the moron is crying
and Jonathan locked himself
in the bathroom.
Shir, please, not now.
And Mom is nowhere to be found
so come home! -Gimme that.
No.
Stop!
-Shir, give me the phone.
Dad, don't believe her
she's lying.
She smothered Amir with a pillow
and Jonathan is crying
and she took it
and it's not her turn.
Listen, I dialed Mom's number and...
I don't know who answered,
but I heard breathing
and no one talked
and it was so weird.
Okay, I'll handle it.
Are you alright?
I have to go,
an emergency at home.
Su re.
-I'll come back next week.
I'm sorry.
-It's all good.
Is she back?
No.
-Then she's on her way.
I called all the hospitals,
the police, nothing.
She forgets
to charge her cellphone,
you know your daught
Thanks, Lea, you can go home.
-Are you sure? -Yes.
Don't worry, you know her.
-Alright.
She'll be back soon,
this isn't the time.
Eden, who is it?
Dad, don't open the door.
Who was it?
-Don't open the door.
Eden, who was there?
-Don't open the door.
Eden, let me open the door.
-Don't open the door.
Eden.
Eden, I have to open the door.
Eden, I mean it.
Don't open the door!
Get out of my way.
What's with you?
I have to open the door.
No, you don't!
-Eden,
let me open the door!
Hey. It's just Uncle Oren.
Is she hurt?
She's hurt.
She's dead.
Guy, Tamar is dead.
Suzy de Lowe
You know what I hate
about you the most?
That you always make me
the bad guy.
I'm the nicest woman in the world
but you'll always make me out
to be the bad guy.
You're the one who
made me say you're not funny,
even though no one
makes me laugh like you do.
Tamar, wake up,
I had a bad dream.
I don't feel well.
I read that some people's hearts
tilt to the right.
Get up,
take me to the hospital.
I have to go to the hospital.
The heart is no laughing matter.
I won't forgive you for ruining my nap.
-I want to sleep too, so?
Go alone,
you're fine.
I'm the only breadwinner for 5 kids,
I can't take the risk,
if I'm in an accident,
you won't get the insurance.
You can't get in a car
knowing that you're sick.
Hey! Did I scare you?
There won't be any accident, sweetie.
Come to Daddy.
Daddy will be okay, Itai.
Daddy's a superhero.
Get outta my room.
-Mom and I have to go to the hospital.
I say it's nothing,
but she thinks I'm having a heart attack.
Take Itai.
-I can't, I'm busy.
Then maybe Wednesday?
Open your planner
and see if it's okay for me
to have a heart attack.
Now take Itai.
-I said I can't!
Shir! My right side is killing me.
What do you want me to do?
Mom! Why do you think
Dad is having a heart attack?
He's having a stroke.
These aren't stroke symptoms,
don't scare the kids.
Shir,
take
Shir, I said take Itai.
Dad, the heart's on the left,
not the right.
Don't be a smartass,
Johnny? Johnny.
Take Itai.
That's an order!
Look how cute.
Amir. Eden. Shir.
Take
Mom and I are tidying up.
Laundry? Now?
Is this your value system?
-Stop it.
Shir, the fun's over,
take him, okay?
I've helped you out
tons of times.
I'll have to wait there for ages.
So Dad, to the hospital?
-Yes, Mom's worried,
my heart tilts to the right.
You're putting on makeup?!
Are you going to meet
a hot ER doctor to replace me?
-Who ate all the cookies?
I'll weigh you
and find out who it was.
It was me.
Cut the drama.
Why did you eat them all?
-I got a craving.
What's with the long face?
-What's wrong?
Nothing.
I don't want a different dad.
Dad.
-Nice accent.
Yeah. -Eden, you're amazing.
Everything's fine.
Congratulations, WH-questions.
Great, Eden. Take Itai.
Take Itai. Eden
-Stop it!
Fuck this, you're all morons.
-Calm down.
Dad's last words to his kids...
"You're all morons.
Kids, don't worry.
Dad is fine, you know him.
Just keep the house clean.
Mom and I tidied up.
Keep it that way.
Men don't know
how to look for stuff.
They look for their wa
open the drawer,
“I can't find it." The girlfriend
opens the drawer: "Here it is."
She walks away, he opens it,
no wallet.
That's so not funny.
It's funny, it's true.
It's shitty material.
I can't believe you're laughing.
-Please. Men really can't find anything.
The drawer is open
and the wallet's right there. It's funny.
He's not that successful,
his career is floundering.
You're friends, he loves you.
-We used to be friends.
. ..whatever you say
that happened in Colombia.
I don't believe he stole my line.
Get some new material, Asi.
That wasn't his?
-I wrote it.
Nurse, I'm in pain,
my heart tilts to the right.
I have 5 kids,
the only breadwinner...
Can you talk to them?
Nothing else you want to tell her?
When you graduated high school,
where you served in the army...
When she gets back.
Thank you.
Did you see that doctor
coming on to me?
How unprofessional.
-I don't think so.
I love it when you're jealous.
If I die,
will you date other people?
I don't know, maybe.
It'll take some time.
You'll wait till the shiva's over
and get it on with Asi Dvora?
He had the hots for you.
-No, he didn't.
Oh, yes, he did.
- Fine.
I can't believe
you said he's funny.
I was funny.
At 24 I was the funniest person ever.
I was a comic genius.
Will you date other women when I die?
-Of course.
You'll let them meet the kids?
-They'll be part of my life.
Will you let a woman
live in our house?
A 19-year-old won't want
to live with 5 kids.
You see?
I'm funny,
but from an original and honest place,
where it's painful and funny.
Not like Asi, the moron.
Remember when we had sex in a cave
and I got cave fever?
Then in the hospital, we did it again?
I'm not having sex with you.
-Why so negative?
You're hooked up to an EKG,
you're having a heart attack...
I'm not going to undress here.
You don't have to undress.
It's my birthday next week.
What did we say?
Holidays, birthdays, new moon.
Oh, that's right, shit.
Do it for love of country.
Hi. -Hi.
Okay, I have some news.
of all, your heart doesn't
to the right. -No way!
I don't know who told you that.
-I've been living this illusion...
Go figure where the charlatan is now,
he was on call, they're the worst.
I'm an on-call doctor, too.
This one made house calls,
bottom of the barrel.
You make house calls too, right?
Why are you letting me talk?
Go on.
Your EKG is satisfactory,
but there's a sharp rise
in cardiac dysrhythmia. It's odd.
Oh, he... got excited
for a moment there.
I want you to stay overnight
so we can monitor you.
The dysrhythmia
and your history of convulsions...
He doesn't have convulsions.
He's fine.
And we know
what caused the dysrhythmia.
Tamar! The doctor wants
to keep me overnight!
What for?
Do you have convulsions?
No, and the dysrhythmia...
Tell Dr. Anna
why you had dysrhythmia.
You don't say no
to a night in the hospital.
How long did the dysrhythmia last?
90 seconds.
You don't want him overnight
for 90 seconds of dysrhythmia.
He's fine. Thank you.
Let's go, we're late.
Late where? -Come on.
Why are you so upset?
I ain't pushing you
in a wheelchair, you freak.
I'd push you too, it's fun.
-Nehama!
Wait!
She has the hots for me.
She wants me.
Let me, just this once.
I'll knock her up
and come back to you.
Yes? -I showed your test results
to the senior physician.
Like I said, your heart is fine,
but your chest-abdomen scan
shows a finding.
Oh no.
-What finding?
There's a spot in the pancreas,
but 95% of the time it's nothing.
What about the other 5%?
-It's nothing, Nehama.
We sent your blood work to the lab,
it takes a few days,
we'll rule out the worst
and you'll know you're healthy.
Okay.
Promise you won't look it up online.
Okay.
Okay.
-Thank you. -Bye.
Calm down.
I do have this shooting pain here.
-That's enough.
You'll
be fine.
Pancreatic cancer.
She told you
not to look it up.
But I did.
I can't take it back.
It's a death sentence.
You don't have cancer, it doesn't make sense.
-What's sense got to do with it?
How many times
have we had this conversation?
All those unnecessary
It's the deadliest cancer.
It puts melanoma to shame.
That time they almost
cut your ball off?
I wanted a biopsy 'cause my ball hurt
because you didn't have
enough sex with me.
Fine.
-You we re lazy...
Any man whose wife doesn't have sex
with him runs to get a ball biopsy...
You jinxed me
with all that talk about my death.
No, I talked about my death,
you just don't listen.
My life is one huge mistake.
How will the kids remember me?
As a sweet dad who went
to the hospital a lot for nothing.
There's something I didn't tell you.
Two days ago...
I fell asleep on the train
and missed my station
and then I came back.
I had two hours of qu
To be honest,
it was the best moment I had
in the past 5 years.
What do you think about that?
I'm so sick of you! -What?
I won't tell you anything anymore.
I just went down on you in the hospital
and your best moment
is getting senile
and not getting off at your station?
Darn it!
Don't blame me
that your life sucks.
I know you're stressed out
because of the pancreatic cancer, but...
We have to deal with it together.
We can't be at odds now.
I'm so sick of
-Why?
We had a moment in the hospital.
We had some fun. Wait up.
Tamar.
It's not my fault my life sucks.
And going down on me in the hospital
doesn't change that!
Happy birthday, idiot.
-Surprise!
Happy birthday!
You rascal.
It's next week!
It's called a surprise.
-Now I'm really having a heart attack,
on the left side.
Oh my god...
Wait, I want to make sure
I heard right.
My daughter went down on you
in the hospital?
Mom, really...
She got that from me.
I'm the wild one.
Ew, Grandma
You' re ruining my
What did she do?
-Gave him a blowjob.
Kids, come to Daddy!
My darling kids.
-Happy birthday, Dad.
Tamar, good for you.
-Stop it.
You should give Michal
some tips,
make my life better.
Where is she?
-She doesn't feel well and we had a fight.
Dana.
-Nehama.
The baby suits you.
-You animals.
Hello!
Hi.
-Dvora!
Asi!
Asi Dvora!
Nehama!
Nehama!
Asi Dvora!
Waze couldn't find the address.
Is this a settlement
or the State of Israel?
Go on,
tell everyone you grew up in Yavne.
He deleted it from Wikipedia,
you Internet scammer.
Welcome.
Wow, wow..
Tamari, look at you!
Nehama, people must think
she's your daughter.
How's it going?
-Good.
Happy birthday.
Hello, everyone.
How are you?
We men are morons,
we can't find anything.
You open the drawer,
where's the wallet,
where's the wallet?
Your girlfriend opens the drawer,
"Here's the wallet!"
You close the drawer, open the drawer,
no wallet. How can that be?
When you retired,
you killed me, man.
I didn't retire.
-You killed me...
Why do you say that?
-I was upset, bro,
I thought
you were an idiot for leaving...
But I didn't leave...
-But I look at you and I'm envious.
Look at this family you have.
Great kids.
A hot wife.
This babe that
is crazy about you, man.
My dear brother,
you have roots.
I still have sex with a different
meaningless chick every night.
You won, Nehama.
A different chick every night?
meaningless.
Now I know they're playing me.
What's your name
and what do you do?
Dana Khen,
I work with your brother, Nehama.
My job is to look death in the eye
every day, Dana Khen.
You're in pest control?
I'm a police social worker.
I just completed my internship.
Yesterday was the first time
I informed a woman her husband died.
They say the first time is the hardest.
It sounds awful.
Who did you inform?
Ravit Zanguri.
Newlywed, no kids. An oddball,
works at a supermarket.
Her husband was stabbed in the heart,
over a parking spot.
Listen, you're smokin'
Dana Khen.
But you're not gonna get me
in bed.
Oh.
you're not my type.
I see. -Second...
-Tell me more about Ravit Zanguri.
I got the call at 7:20.
I just fell asleep,
didn't even brush my teeth.
Do I look presentable?
I walk in and the manager says
Ravit is in the frozen food section.
Which was odd,
usually she's in the dairy section.
Maybe she had a feeling.
My heart was racing,
my palms were sweaty.
I see her from afar.
Not pretty, not ugly.
I say:
"Hello, I'm a police social worker.
Hello, Ravit.
I tell her her husband was murdered,
that he's dead.
She starts crying
and my heart breaks.
I feel immense love
for this poor woman.
I hold her and I want to cry.
In a different world I know
we'd get married and have kids
and I get this thought in my head
that drives me crazy -
Are her boobs real or not?
And then I knew, they're real.
I can't take the intense emotions
and I get such a hard-on.
Mine are real.
I see you looking.
Next time it'll be easier.
They say these things
make you stronger.
Come in and dance.
Wanna dance?
No, I'll pass,
but you go, have fun.
Kids, that's enough!
It looks real, but it's not
it's synthetic.
Hey, Dana.
-Hey.
I'm so glad you came.
I'm glad Tamar invited you.
She invited all the people you love.
I'm not sure about that...
Listen, Tamar is hot.
How does she do it?
She purges after meals.
Tell me, do I have
a yellow spot in my eye?
Tamar warned me
not to play into your hands
and talk to you about death.
There's nothing there.
Your brother seems interesting.
Oren?
Once you get to know him,
there's nothing there.
No depth.
Hi, Asi.
-Bro, I'm off.
Good man.
I have to tell you... Forgive me.
-It's okay.
I don't know funny people,
I don't watch TV,
but you crack me up, I swear.
-Thanks, sweetheart.
And I was too shy to ask you
for a selfie, but...
how about a picture of me alone?
Let's do
I'll take the picture.
No, that's okay.
-We look good.
Thanks.
My pleasure.
Send it to me. -Okay.
Bye, buddy.
-Bye.
Happy birthday.
Bye, thanks.
-Sure thing.
Guys, I'm off.
Dana, hold on.
Asi!
Asi!
Asi
Asi.
I was thinking...
What, you're not driving?
No, I have a driver.
My license was revoked.
You don't say.
Listen...
I was thinking
that in one of your gigs...
I'll do 10-15 minutes of new material.
Are you serious, bro?
It doesn't work like that.
You can't retire
and come back 20 years
It's not like riding a bike,
it's a muscle you gotta flex.
You keep saying I retired, I didn't retire,
you left me. -I didn't leave you,
you were always late.
-Because Tamar got pregnant.
You made your decision, bro.
You think you can stand in front of
500 people and make them laugh?
How about I come to your company
and write code?
I don't write code.
I haven't for years.
I do presentations in front of
dozens of people, I crack them up.
I'm amazing,
you should come see me.
I was always funny,
you know that.
In my heart I'm a performer.
Listen...
Go to amateur night.
Practice.
It's a profession.
Besides, I don't have...
a warm-up act.
I work alone.
I'm glad I came,
your people enjoyed me.
Happy birthday, buddy.
Okay. . .
David, we're off.
How many cylinders?
-Who's counting? Tons.
Let's go, David.
Bye, bro.
Idea for a short story
about the tragedy of artists.
Johann Sebastian Bach was
the greatest composer in history.
Greater than Mozart, Brahms,
and Justin Bieber.
Well, that's a matter of taste
some prefer Bieber.
Baby, baby, baby, oh...
No one knows that while Bach
worked in Weimar,
trying to create a reputation
and a good life,
in a small village nearby
lived Yehoshua Yehoyachim Mendelbaum.
Mendelbaum was a genius organ player
at the local synagogue.
He and Johann Sebastian Bach
were good friends.
Whenever Mendelbaum
walked in the woods,
divine music would fill his brain.
Johann Sebastian Bach is here
to see you.
That charlatan . . .
Dear Johann, how are you?
How is it going in Weimar,
our music capital?
Don't ask.
It's so hard, I'm all dried out.
Bach tells him that every Sunday
he has to bring a new concert to the church
that he's dried up
and has no new ideas.
I can't sleep.
I spend every night
with a different woman
a different meaningless woman.
That wasn't the time
Bach paid him a visit.
He had a plan. The sly man
leads Mendelbaum to the barn
where the latter keeps
all his compositions.
I just want to tell you that I'm
a huge fan, Johann Sebastian.
Normally I wouldn't ask,
but I'd like my son
to draw a sketch of us.
As Mendelbaum's wife talks to him,
Bach has only one thing on his mind.
What is that?
A little composition
I jotted down while waiting
for the kids to come out of school.
Please.
That's powerful.
Bach is flustered,
green with envy.
He envisions grabbing the sheet music
and running away.
Or worse, coming back at night,
killing Mendelbaum
and stealing his compositions.
Who will people believe?
A Jewish peasant
or Weimar's greatest composer?
This is powerful material.
Take it.
-Are you serious?
Bach, I have tons in my barn...
Yehoshua Mendelbaum
will be a synonym for genius.
But it didn't happen.
One day, on his routine walk,
he was assailed by immense pain
that shot down his right arm.
He didn't know
his heart tilted to the right.
Thus, Yehoshua Mendelbaum died.
Right after his death,
his son Mendel Mendelbaum,
known as "the idiot,"
went into the barn
to ease his pain.
He decided to smoke a cigaretta
for the first time ever.
And since he was a klutz...
the real tragedy happened.
Oh no!
Mendel Mendelbaum fled
leaving nary a trace.
Eventually he'll establish Hungarian Jewry
and invent the Hebrew letter "final Kaf."
The end.
Who were you talking
I recorded some ideas
for Technosystems.
Come to bed, we'll talk.
I'll take the kids to bed,
then go for a walk.
Really?
Okay.
Great.
Please don't wake up now.
No, no, no.
Go back to sleep. Shh...
Oh my god...
We'll leave Amir here,
he'll be surprised in the morning.
Dad, I don't think Asi Dvora
is funny, either.
He's a disgusting chauvinist.
Bravo, Eden.
I'll remember you in my will.
The house is practically yours anyway.
I'm Uzbek.
We're unlucky people.
I'm always in the weird
and hairy category.
"Marina, did you say
you're from Caucasia?
"Uh, from Georgia,
uh, a chimpanzee?"
The difference between ethnic origins
is the degree the parents are relatives.
Once I asked my mom:
"Why did you agree to marry Dad?"
So she said: “Marina,
you don't choose your family.1
I'm a new mom,
I have a 9-month-old, how crazy is that?
You can't tell, right?
That I'm suicidal?
Thank you.
Last time I had sex
was in my 9th month.
The doctor said it induces labor
so I had sex with the doctor.
Nehama.
Dana.
The Pastinis are here.
Is our presentation ready?
Our presentation?
-Yes, it's ready.
Arik, we can't sell them this system.
It's not for them. -Okay.
They're just a grandpa
and grandson who work together.
It won't work on their compute
I say, first you shove
the umbrella up their ass,
then you open it slowly.
We'll sell them the system
and then we'll adapt it.
Arik, grandpa and grandson,
they have money issues,
they're getting thrown off the shelves,
all kinds of illegal shit...
Who cares?
What are you, "60 Minutes"?
The grandfather told me
he's an amazing man.
He founded
the wilderness classes up north.
That's him?
I'm so moved...
Sell them the system, okay?
Shove the umbrella up their ass,
open it slowly...
very slowly.
He's a scumbag.
A motherfucker.
Stalin, the guy's Stalin.
We're lying to our clients.
"Our presentation..."
When did that bastard ever contribute?
Can't even open
a Word file on his own.
He needs Ruti to take a piss.
The man's an idiot.
Thinks we can't tell
he's wearing a toupee.
Looks like a dead cat
on his head.
Look, see anything different?
Five fingers?
I told you to get rid of the sixth one.
It was so '90s, when people
sang and had a sixth finger.
Look, you idiot!
-What, the ring?
I don't notice your external changes,
don't you get it?
Have a sex change operation,
it'll take me a month to notice.
You don't look at me?
I'm not allowed, am I?
I'm getting married.
-No way. -Yes.
Wow!
-Yes.
Wow!
Wow!
What...?
Ofer came over the other day.
He knelt down and proposed.
It was very exciting,
you know, at home...
At home is the best.
People think that Paris is romantic.
There's no place like home.
It's familiar, cheap.
-Yes. -Available.
Wow, congratulations.
-Thanks.
I'm sorry I didn't tell you
at your party, it was...
You're not together.
No, we. . .
we split up,
but we're together.
ng apart for over 6 months
is not a split, it's not
together, it' s strangers.
He cheated on you.
No, he didn't.
-You told me so.
He didn't cheat on me.
-More than once.
He didn't cheat on me.
It's just that his ex is a bitch,
she showed up
with cleavage and a thong
and started...
Whatever, everyone has problems.
Don't you and Tamar?
-Not really. -Okay...
I have problems, I'm fucked up,
but Tamar and I are solid.
You said he was verbally abusive,
he stole money from
F your bank account.
Whatever. Listen,
congratulations.
I'm happy for you.
You deserve the best.
Yes.
Are you ready?
For years I...
' -They're here.
Pastini!
So good to see you.
How are you?
-Fine.
Did he pass the tryouts?
-I did, so did he.
I told you, you practice, you pass.
It's great to see you.
He built the Gaaton trail.
Wow, that's amazing.
Hello?
-What's up?
Shir came home
and announced she's a vegetarian.
But she hates animals.
She even kicked a dog once.
She doesn't want to be
an accomplice to murder.
And I made schnitzel
and rice with peas.
Of course.
-So?
She hates rice with peas...
I said:
“You'll eat what I made.
Good for you. All that groveling.
I hate parents
who spoil their kids.
They're a fucked-up generation.
You don't have to cook
especially for her.
Yes, so I made her
spaghetti in cream sauce.
You're the best.
You're an amazing mom.
-You just said I shouldn't grovel.
It's not groveling, it's loving.
You're good at it.
Okay.
Are you at the train station?
-No, I'm in Petah Tikva.
What's in Petah Tikva?
A birthday present.
Why in Petah Tikva?
It's a surprise,
I'll show you at home.
Okay, have fun.
-Bye, honey.
I'm home.
What's up, Tamari?
I got a call from the hospital.
-And?
It's not good.
I don't believe you.
You're totally healthy,
your pancreas is like new.
Yes!
Lucky ducky.
I swear, I'm a lucky ducky.
Who's the luckiest man in the world?
Me! Right? Yes!
Anna said hi and asked
if you want to spend the night
with her after all.
Tell her to wait in the exam room
with a white coat on.
Tamar, you're so hot.
Everyone says so.
Who says so?
-Oren, Dana, me.
The peeping Tom who's always watching you.
We should call the cops...
You mean Dana Khen,
the babe from your office?
She's your type, isn't she?
Not at all.
You don't know me at all.
She's getting married.
So you lost her, too.
-Get off it.
I only want you.
Give me a hug.
Come here!
Wow!
Today I'm gonna go wild
and eat two eggs.
With butter too,
I'm this close to butter.
Now you lost it.
-No. Grape seed oil.
I'll do the dishes.
The kids don't get how close they came
to losing their father.
We won't tell them, okay?
Okay, I wash, you dry,
like in those stupid American movies.
Ready? -Yes.
-Don't peek.
Not yet, not yet.
You're gonna die,
I'm in shock myself.
I swear.
Are you nuts?
What is this? How much
did it cost? Who's gonna drive
The kids won't fit.
It's not for the kids.
I bought it for myself.
And for you, if you want.
I'll be driving it.
But you take the train
because of the traffic.
Okay. Other things
are gonna change, too.
With all the pancreatic cancer incident,
I started to reflect on my
and. . .
I have to do stand-up.
I have to.
Okay.
You don't think I can?
Of course you can.
At 24 I was the funniest person ever.
The buzz was insane.
Don't be nasty,
I was huge, hilarious.
Now I have a career that I hate
surrounded by repulsive people.
Is life only about money?
We had an agreement,
I stay home to raise the kids,
you go to work. -I don't remember
signing that agreement.
I didn't want 5 kids,
that was your career.
It's too late to say that now,
or to scream it, they may hear you.
You always did what you wanted, Tamar.
You raised them.
I see them at night
when they're asleep on the sofas,
I move them as if they're packages.
And the big kids hate me.
-No they don't.
They do,
they have an anti-Dad WhatsApp group.
And I bet
you're the group admin.
Don't lie. I know.
If I die tomorrow,
I leave nothing behind,
I'm fuckin' Yehoshua Mendelbaum.
-Then do stand-up.
I told you so many times,
just do it!
It's not that easy. It's a lifestyle,
it's like a muscle you have to flex.
And I'm the breadwinner of 5 kids.
-One more time
you say you're the breadwinner
of 5 kids,
I'll scream.
-But it's the truth,
'm the only breadwinner...
-I'm so sick of you.
Am I the reason you don't do stand-up?
Or the kids?
That's part
of -No, not
You don't have the guts.
Is that what you think?
That I don't have guts?
-Now you're offended?
I'm not your enemy.
And why do you need the applause
of strangers to be happy?
You're making it sound low,
but it's an art form.
It's bullshit. It's cheap love
from people you don't know.
And I don't have the guts to do it..
Now you're going to harp on that?
I'm going to do stand-up.
-Great, I'm all for it.
And I won't invite you, you'll have
to buy a ticket to see me.
The second graph shows...
-Hey.
Pastinis, how's it going?
Sorry I'm late.
What happened?
I came by car.
Man, what traffic!
We're wasting time...
-The country's at a standstill.
Great. Sit down.
Nehama, I was just explaining.
You saw the presentation
that I did myself,
I put my heart into it,
no product suits you better
than our Thank You 6'
Operating System.
Our license is German company based
and let's be honest,
with all the qualms,
the Germans are the best.
No other nation
could do what they did,
for better or worse...
It demands organization.
It's a fact.
So, let's do business.
Yes, but we're still paying a fortune.
You'll get a return on every dime,
just look at the productivity graph.
And don't forget our support.
We'll also...
make any changes you need
to the software after installation.
So you're getting an umbrella
with Nehama and Dana Khen,
our finest,
the finest in the market
and they're all yours.
So let's make a deal.
How about a discount?
Nehama, can you do something
about the price?
Nah.
-Help us out financially?
Nah, no need.
The price is pretty...
Our system isn't for you.
What?
You shouldn't buy it.
-Okay, Nehama.
Maybe in a few years
when you're bigger,
with bigger volumes, we can offer
some great tools. -Nehama...
I can give you
my friend Ami's number.
Ami the shutters' guy?
-He's with Docos Docos.
Arik, butt out.
I'll text you his number.
It's a waste of time.
-He'll give you a different tool,
simpler, less expensive,
perfect for your needs.
Nehama, thank you...
-Ours won't even work on your computers.
There, sent.
-Nehama, thanks for the input.
I always encourage them
to provide their input.
Let's meet again next week
and close this deal, okay?
I want you with us.
Not with some Ami who deals
in asbestos and shutters.
Thank you.
-Thank you.
Thank you for coming.
-Say hi to Simona. -Thanks.
Validate your parking.
-Good luck.
Let me know how it went with Ami.
Are you insane?
Do you have Alzheimer's?
They were about to sign.
See, Arik? I shoved the umbrella
up your ass and opened it in one go.
Bam! -Oh yeah?
-Yeah!
I'It show you "bam."
You're fired. Bam!
Fuck you!
-You're fired!
You asshole. Next week I'll fire you
in front of the entire team.
Calm down. -Fuck you.
-You idiot. -I'll tear you apart
Are you threatening the CEO?
tear you apart.
Put down that brochure.
-The fuck I will!
Nehama, I'm warning you.
Fuck off!
-Nehama, watch it.
I have a black belt in Capoeira.
If I had a drum, I'd fuck you up.
Watch out.
-Let's go, let's go!
No. . .
That's from Costa Rica.
-You fuckin' asmathic,
I'll hurl dust at you!
Nehama, stop it!
Not the laptop...
Nehama, I'll kick your ass.
Nehama, you have to calm down.
You're only alive
because Dana is here.
You're fired.
-I'm not throwing the laptop out of respect.
Get a job at a falafel joint.
What are you throwing? -Nehama!
Stop it! You'll both get hurt.
Hey! No, no, no.
Now that's disrespectful.
Yes, Arik. -That's like spitting on the flag,
that's a company tag.
Don't you dare!
-Yeah?
Not the tag!
You're a goner!
I'll burn you in this market!
Fuck off, Arik.
You' re finished! -Fuck off.
-You' re a goner.
Listen up, everyone.
I just had a fight with Arik,
I'm leaving the company
and I want to talk to you.
You've known me for years.
Look what's become of us.
We started out together,
we were innocent kids.
Now we're liars, we're cons.
Who's told a client
the truth recently?
Davidi? Danino?
Look at us. Alexei.
This isn't who we are.
We're frauds.
Davidi, when you started out
you were hot, you played squash,
now you're bald
and have a potbelly.
Yesterday you sold Segway
a program that they can't open.
You can't open it,
we lost the code,
a year ago,
no one talks about it.
What are we doing here?
Alexei, you were a commando soldier.
Are these the values they imparted?
you tell your commander:
"I'm a good man
like you wanted me to be?
"I have integrity?
"I have values?
Is this why you served in Syria?
And we're like slaves.
To whom? This Stalin?
Tell them about Stalin, Alexei.
Open your eyes.
Arik, everyone knows
you have a mistress in Munich.
Anywhere you go,
it's always through Munich.
Nehama. -You fly to Eilat
through Munich. How come?
And how much does it cost the company?
Nehama, get the hell out!
You'll crawl back on all fours.
Your fuckin' German girlfriend
will crawl on all fours.
Watch your mouth.
Dana?
Go to hell, all of you.
Nehama!
You'll regret this.
You'll all die in a room with AC.
Go on, run away.
You're lucky I didn't kill you.
Now get back to work.
You, pick up that chair.
Someone sit on it and work.
Someone give me a tag.
I can't leave without a tag.
I forgot it when I was fighting with Arik.
I need a tag to get out.
-No one give him a tag.
Someone give me a tag.
Jump out the window,
30 stories down.
Dana, give me a tag.
A kid with ADHD says to his dad
"I don't have any money."
"You can't count,
why would you have any money?"
Nice. A kid says:
"Dad, I don't have any money
"You got a money disorder,
you can't count, you got dysgraphia?"
Hey.
-Hey.
Awesome, you're home.
What happened?
I need you to pick Shir up from a friend,
I'm meeting with Orit.
I can't.
When?
-At 10:00.
And at 6:00 Jonathan has chess.
I'm performing at the Comedy tonight
I'm doing it.
I need you to set me up
a room alone,
with a mirror, so I can practice.
Use Shir's room.
She's at a friend, there's a mirror in there.
We won't tell her.
Okay.
And who'll pick her up?
I will, who else?
I'll ask Eden to watch Itai
for a few minutes.
Great.
By the way, I quit.
And this is how you tell me?
We agreed I'd do stand-up
and I have the guts.
But why did you quit?
I'll get 4 months
unemployment benefits...
and I thought you'd work, too.
I'm 39, I have 5 kids
and no experience,
who'll hire me?
Are you insane?
Call them, say you changed your mind.
-I can't, not after what I did.
You can't stop working,
you're the breadwinner
of 5 kids.
-I'll do stand-up.
You're not funny!
-I've had it with you!
When you argue it's no holds barred.
You shoot, shoot, shoot.
Do you get
what a bad move you made?
Find another high-tech job.
-Not this time.
I sacrificed my whole life
because you didn't have an abortion
and I had to marry you
and work like a dog.
You never asked me
to have an abortion.
Because I was young,
but you should've known
I gave up my dream because of you.
-You didn't give up anything because of me,
stop saying that!
You kept nagging:
"We have to buy an apartment,
"Lea is giving 52,000.
"You have to give something, too."
You made the easy choice.
Oh yeah? -You stayed home
and took the kids to the park.
You wouldn't last 2 minutes
doing what I do!
You'd lose it in 2 days
without a wife!
I'm going to my mom's.
What about Shir? Itai?
-Easy, take them to the park.
Work it out.
Tamar.
Who's the grandpa?
His name is Nehama.
No, he didn't have a sex change operation,
that's his name.
He wants to go on.
Oh yeah?
And tell jokes about landlines?
Does Rami know?
He's not picking up.
Listen, I'm going on fifth,
I do 10 minutes
and then I call you, okay?
Are you alright?
Where's the bathroom?
Over there.
You're gonna fuck them.
Turn their asses inside out.
You're the funniest man alive.
Yes, Shir.
Dad, where's Mom?
Is Itai alright? -Yes,
but we don't know where Mom is.
Mom went to Grandma's.
She didn't. Grandma's here,
she picked me up from class.
Give it to me.
Hello, Guy?
-What happened, Lea?
She called me, in tears
said you're a jerk
and I couldn't argue with her.
She said she was on her way
but she never showed up.
I thought you made up.
Lea, it's okay.
She went to a friend.
Keep calling her. I can't,
I'm going on stage.
-But she's not picking up.
Fine, I'll call her. Bye.
Fuck. . .
Stop it!
-But it's my turn...
Cut it out!
Don't touch me.
Tamari?
You're not picking up,
everyone's hysterical.
I'm sorry we fought.
I love you,
you're the love of my life.
I said stupid things
because I was stressed
about performing, okay?
We'll talk at home.
Call the kids, they're hysterical,
your mom's there.
Bye.
Too bad you're not picking up.
You know what I hate
about you the most?
That you always make me the bad guy.
I'm the nicest woman in the world
but you'll always make me out
to be the bad guy.
You're the one who made me
say you're not funny,
even though no one
makes me laugh like you.
Otherwise I would've left you
long ago,
because you're an idiot.
You have to fulfill yourse
Get on stage
and give 'em hell.
Nehama, what a surprise.
How's it going?
-Avital.
Good to see you.
Listen, you guys,
this guy, in '96,
I managed the bar,
he was the club's rising star.
This is great!
I came to give 'em hell.
-Really? Awesome.
Coffee anyone?
-No, I just emptied out.
What, Shir, what?!
-Your kids are morons.
I wanted to watch TV,
it's my turn, so I took the remote
and Eden the moron is crying
and Jonathan locked himself
in the bathroom.
Shir, please, not now.
And Mom is nowhere to be found
so come home! -Gimme that.
No.
Stop!
-Shir, give me the phone.
Dad, don't believe her
she's lying.
She smothered Amir with a pillow
and Jonathan is crying
and she took it
and it's not her turn.
Listen, I dialed Mom's number and...
I don't know who answered,
but I heard breathing
and no one talked
and it was so weird.
Okay, I'll handle it.
Are you alright?
I have to go,
an emergency at home.
Su re.
-I'll come back next week.
I'm sorry.
-It's all good.
Is she back?
No.
-Then she's on her way.
I called all the hospitals,
the police, nothing.
She forgets
to charge her cellphone,
you know your daught
Thanks, Lea, you can go home.
-Are you sure? -Yes.
Don't worry, you know her.
-Alright.
She'll be back soon,
this isn't the time.
Eden, who is it?
Dad, don't open the door.
Who was it?
-Don't open the door.
Eden, who was there?
-Don't open the door.
Eden, let me open the door.
-Don't open the door.
Eden.
Eden, I have to open the door.
Eden, I mean it.
Don't open the door!
Get out of my way.
What's with you?
I have to open the door.
No, you don't!
-Eden,
let me open the door!
Hey. It's just Uncle Oren.
Is she hurt?
She's hurt.
She's dead.
Guy, Tamar is dead.
Suzy de Lowe