Ned and Stacey (1995–2017): Season 1, Episode 2 - Portrait of a Marriage - full transcript

Hey.

Oh! Hey.

Hi.

Uh, did you need
to use the bathroom?

Me? No.

I just... heard you come in,

so I thought I'd come in
and say good morning.

And also I've been
doing a lot of thinking

about this arrangement,

or... marriage,

or whatever it is,



and they're all good things.

But there's just a few things
I'd like to discuss with you.

Now?

It could be now.
Or later is fine.

Well, the advantage of later

would be that I
won't be urinating.

Then... later it is.

Oh, I put some potpourri
on top of the toilet tank.

Oh. And I like it.

Hi, again.

How do.

Just poking around.

Hope you don't mind.

Um, what is this stuff?



Oh, that's a
vitamin drink I made.

Oh.

Not bad.

Thanks.

For the geraniums.

Hello?

Hey, hey. How are you?

Oh, last night was insane.

Yeah, I'll tell you,
that Stacey is one

frisky little puppy.

Yeah. Yeah.

I feel like I've
been in a rodeo.

And I ain't lying.

Who is that?

It's your mother.

Hi, Mom.

Yeah, I'm glowing.

Yes, glowing, blushing, radiant,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

What?

I don't know, Mom. It was dark.

Goodbye.

She's sweet.

Yeah, that's what
I thought at first.

Okay.

Ready to talk?

Hey, let's rock 'n' roll.

Mind if I go first?

Um... Okay.

Okay.

First thing I'd like to do

is to stress how important it is

that you and I
always communicate.

This may not be a real marriage,

but it's still a huge
thing we've done

with a lot of
complicated aspects to it.

Don't you agree?

No.

No? No.

Actually, just two
simple aspects.

First, you move in here,
which, clearly, you've done.

And, secondly, you act as
my wife when I need you to.

And that's pretty much it.

Oh, come on, Ned.

You must have some feelings
about what we're doing here.

I mean, are you nervous?

Exhilarated?

Overwhelmed?

Overjoyed?

Overcome by panic,
fear and dread?

Yeah.

Those.

Really? Oh-ho.

Me too.

Hey.

See, doesn't it feel
good to talk about this?

Yeah. You know, it
is cathartic for me.

You know, gotta get to work.

Pulling myself together.

Ooh, I gotta get going too.

Listen.

Thinking about having some
clients over tomorrow night

for cocktails and
hors d'oeuvres.

Is that good for you?

Tomorrow?

Um...

Sure. Sure.

Tomorrow's fine.

See?

We're communicating.

This is gonna work out, Ned.

I can feel it.

Can't you?

Well, see, um...

Yeah.

Hi.

Remind me.

Amanda.

Avon lady?

Your sister-in-law.

Ho! Good.

Hey.

What are you doing here?

Oh, I have an appointment
over on Madison at 9,

so I thought I would stop by

and see the apartment
that you ruined your life for.

Isn't it great?

Look at this view.

Whatever.

Here, I brought coffee.

Oh, good.

Although, I probably shouldn't.

I just had a geranium
drink, and, boy, I'm flying.

You know, Stace, until now

I thought you had
found every possible way

to have a screwed
up relationship.

But you found a new one.

Congratulations.

It's not screwed up.

I can make it work.

Make what work?

It doesn't exist.

It's a farce.

Well, that'll make it easier.

What was I thinking?

And I get to live here.

And I get Mom off my back

about being almost
30 and still single.

You're not gonna
tell Mom and Dad

that this is a fake
marriage, are you?

Oh, yeah, that's a conversation

I want to have.

Right after I ask them

the details of their sex life.

So... you're really okay, huh?

Yes.

I am. Really.

Ned's not too weird, is he?

Well, he's weird.

But I don't think
he's too weird.

Do you think he's too weird?

I don't judge people, Stacey.

Embezzling again, Moyer?

No. I was...

That was funny, Ned.

Let's go check
out my new office.

Wow!

This is a great office.

You could fit, like,
50 cubicles in here.

You must be feeling
pretty good, Ned.

Well, you know, I am
feeling pretty good, Rico.

I mean, an office like this,

it commands power,
respect, big money.

But that's not the
important thing.

You know what is, my friend?

What?

Now we can get dates
for the prom, Potsie.

Ned Dorsey.

Hey, how are you?

Yeah, come on up, Les.

Les?

Les MacDowell?

Yeah.

Oh, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

What does he want?

This isn't funny anymore, Ned.

MacDowell is a killer.

If he finds out what
you did to get here,

it's all over.

I mean, you... You'll
land on your feet,

but I've got a wife and a kid,

so I'm outta here.

Good luck.

Hey. Oh, yes.

Hey, Les.

Hey, Dorsey.

Welcome to the
48th floor, my friend.

Well, thank you, Les.

Les... do you know Eric
Moyer from accounting?

No, I don't think I do.

Les MacDowell,

Senior Veep for
Creative Affairs.

Actually, we've... We've met.

You pass by me all
the time downstairs.

I'm drawing a blank, pal.

Well, I'm the... Oh, yeah.

That's me. You!

Right.

Right.

How you doing?

Fine, thanks... So, Dorsey...

nice move, scoring
this promotion.

The guys upstairs
want a family man.

The next thing you know,

Dorsey's getting married.

Pretty damn
convenient, I might say.

Well... actually, Les,

the truth of the matter is,

I only got married to
advance my career.

That's funny.

Funny stuff.

So, what can I do for you, Les?

Well, Dorsey...

enjoy this promotion
for a flickering moment,

because you have walked
into... a hellstorm, my friend.

Your brilliant predecessor

screwed up six of
our biggest accounts.

I know what you mean.

I've been looking
over the creative.

"Nothing refreshes
like a baked potato."

"Got tires?"

"Veal.

It died young for you."

I liked that one.

What's your plan,
Mr. Creative Director?

Well, I've come
up with some ideas,

passed them along to my staff.

But I think tomorrow
night I'm gonna have

some of the top clients
over to my place for cocktails.

Yeah, yeah, good.
Liquor them up. Yeah.

Then I was planning
to get you out hunting,

fill you full of buckshot,
take your cushy job.

Take your best shot, Dorsey.

I've gotta run.

I'll, uh, see you.

Uh, uh...

Uh, Moyer.

Um... Oh, right.

That's me.

Moyer. Right.

Bring him to the
party tomorrow night.

He amuses me.

Ned!

The Voice bought my article
on the Rockland Tunnel.

I'm a wife, I'm a career
woman, I can date anyone I want.

♪ I got it all ♪

♪ I got it all ♪

Ned, come on out here!

I picked up a
funky little statue.

It should look so cute
on the cocktail ta...

Hey, how are you?

Did we win something?

No.

No, I hired a designer,

threw a couple of grand at her

and said, "Hey, go crazy."

I don't know about you,

but it just speaks couple to me.

So... what did you
want to show me?

Oh.

Is this for in here?

Mmm...

No.

You know, if you'd
asked me first,

I'd have told you I'd already

taken care of all the

objects d'art.

Oh, my God.

Huh? Huh? Huh?

Oh... huh?

You know, in a couple of years,

when you and I go
our separate ways,

I'd kind of like to hang
onto that little baby.

Funny, I don't
remember posing for that.

No, no, no.

I actually...

I got a painter friend of
mine to touch up a painting

of a Scottish nobleman
with his hunting dog.

Had a helluva time getting
the duck out of your mouth.

Ned... do you
remember this morning,

that thing about communicating?

I don't think you
quite grasp what...

This photograph. It's of us.

Yeah.

We're in London.

Huh. That was a
great time, wasn't it?

You put our heads on
other people's bodies?

No, no. It was a buddy of
mine in the Graphics department

dummying up some
photographs for us.

See, here's us in Egypt.

You got dysentery that trip.

Hoo! It's a good
thing I love you.

Anyway, it's all
here in the synopsis.

Synopsis?

Yeah. The story
of Ned and Stacey.

How we met, how we fell in love,

our hopes, our dreams,
our fleams, our shmeams...

Just give it a quick once-over
before the party tomorrow night.

And I also picked
you up a dress.

A Marcel Varzion. Size 6.

That be okay?

No, Ned.

That's not okay.

None of this is okay.

Varzion?

Yeah.

Listen, gotta fly.
Catch you later.

Wait, wait, wait.

Ned.

You and I really,
really have to talk.

Well, I should be back around 7.

We'll talk then?

We'll talk then.

If I'm late, start without me.

Excuse me.

Has, um, my husband come in yet?

No, ma'am.

Really.

I was expecting him home

a little earlier than this.

Yesterday, in fact.

Yes, ma'am.

We're very happy newlyweds,

don't you get me wrong.

See?

Here we are in London.

Well, hello, my
little sticky muffin.

Boy, you look gorgeous.

Ned, I'm a little
upset with you, dear.

When you left, you said
you'd be back in an hour.

No, no. No.

What I said was,

I'd be home by 7.

And I'm actually
two minutes early.

Where have you been?

Ho, ho, excuse me,

but where I spend my
nights is my own business.

Do you go out of your
way to humiliate me?

Hm? What's the matter?

Everything, Ned.

But since your guests are
gonna be here in a minute,

I'll stick to the big stuff.

This so-called history
of our relationship

is the most sexist, demeaning
thing I have ever seen.

Hand me those socks, will you?

"I first met Ned in 1984.

"Distraught over
my third-place finish

"in the Miss Teenage
Minnesota beauty pageant...

"I ran from the hotel in tears.

"I tripped over my sash

"and would have been killed
by a speeding shuttle bus

"were it not for the
ever-agile and alert Ned,

"who vaulted over the freeway
divider on his motorcycle

and whisked me to safety."

And your point is?

You don't think that's
demeaning to me?

Ha. Look, Stacey,

I couldn't very well have you
win the pageant, now, could I?

A lot of these clients
are from the Midwest.

They're decent,
God-fearing people.

They're gonna
really love this stuff.

No, they're not, because
I'm not doing this.

What?

You heard me, Ned.

Look, I agreed
to pose as a wife,

not as a mindless,
pathetic, sex slave.

Well, you picked a
fine time to tell me that.

Well, I'm telling
you now, my friend.

It's over. I'm gone.

End of synopsis.

I'll try not to
disturb your party

while I'm moving my stuff out.

Bye. Hey, no, no, no!

Okay, hang on, hang on.

All right, look, let's just
have a little talk, okay?

Talk?

Oh, as in communicate?

Oooh, what a novel idea.

Well, what would you like
to talk about, Mr. Talky Boy?

You're quite a
doozy, aren't you?

Look, Stacey... you seem
to have lost focus here.

This isn't about you

and your "talking" needs.

This is about me.

My life. My career.

Not you. Me.

Hm-hm.

Me!

You made an
agreement, did you not?

And I'm so sorry I did.

Be that as it may, you did.

Our guests are here now.

Showtime.

So I looked her
right in the eye,

and I said, "Now, Stacey, honey,

are you sure you can rappel
down a sheer rock face?"

And she said,
"Ned, I can do it."

And you know, like the
damn fool I am, I believed her.

Why would you lie about
something like that, Stacey?

I was afraid of losing
him to the sport he loved.

Honey, all right,
show them the picture

that the chopper
pilot took of us

when he dropped us
off on the mountain.

Here.

Yeah? Oh.

Wow!

You were quite a bit heavier
back then, weren't you, Stacey?

Yeah.

Ha, ha. Well, whenever
he dropped us off,

I'll tell you, all
hell broke loose.

I mean, she was
kicking and screaming

and flailing, and saying
that she couldn't do it,

she couldn't do it.

And I said, "Honey, you
just hang on to my back,

and I'll get us both
down from here."

Which, I gotta tell
you, wasn't easy,

what with all the extra
weight she was carrying.

Yeah, that was one
of the most grueling

and intense days of my life.

I...

I was waiting for
them at the bottom

with some moist towelettes.

Is this guy something, or what?

He thinks on his
feet and he's tough.

That's why I fought
for his promotion.

Oh, come on, Les.

You had nothing to do
with Ned's promotion.

How many drinks is that, Bern?

Two? Three?

Eight?

You never could
count to 10, Les.

So, Amanda, how do you
like having Ned in the family?

Oh, well, at first I thought

he was just a
rock-climbing putz,

but... now I like him.

Well, I like him. I
can tell you that.

You know, Patrice and I,

well, we're just a couple
of old-fashioned folks

from the Northwest.

And to come into
a home like this...

See a wholesome
young man like this

and his... beautiful new bride,

well, it's... It's America.

And that painting?

Wow!

Yeah, Stacey surprised me
with that on my last birthday.

Al, when I saw it...

I just sat down and... cried.

Oh, damn, there I go again.

Oh, yeah.

I just love that
Neddy cries so easily.

You should see him
during a thunderstorm.

Waah!

Ned, now tell us,

how did you and this
lovely young lady meet?

Ah.

Oh, why don't you tell him
the story, Mushroom Cap?

Oh, no, you tell it
so well, Pork Chop.

I love this story. Ha.

Then why don't you
tell it, Cheesehead?

Okay, okay. I'll tell it.

Well, it was 1984.

It was an innocent
time in America.

Stacey was entered into the
Miss Teenage Minnesota pageant.

But, bless her heart,
she only came in ninth.

Uh, it was third,
dear, remember?

What's the difference?

The point is, you didn't win.

That's true.

I would have won,

but I refused to have
sex with the judges.

Oh, my.

Uh, that's right.

S-she was an innocent,
intriguing young thing,

saving herself for, uh,
the man she married.

Oh, honey, we
need to talk later.

Okay. Enough about us.

Moving on.

Oh.

Oh, no, I want to
finish the story, Neddy.

Can I tell them

how you rode up to me
on that cute little scooter?

Ha-ha. It was a Harley 1300.

Ooh, sorry.

They take their phallic
symbols so seriously.

Oh, yeah. This one rides
around on his power mower

in the backyard
like it was Apollo 7.

Hey, why don't you have
another gallon of vodka,

and let them finish
the story, huh?

So anyway, he
came riding up to me,

and he was going
a little too slow,

and he just tipped right over.

That was the first
time I saw him cry.

Okay, I think somebody
needs a time out.

Oh, the boys always
like to tell their stories

in their own way, don't they?

What's that supposed to mean?

Well, i-it's like when we met.

It was in Lake
Coeur d'Alene, 1953.

Al likes to tell people
that I swam out to the raft

just to meet him.

Well, you did.

She did.

Al, I swam out to the raft

because your toe got
caught in the ladder,

and you were panicking.

Oh, he was
swallowing a lot of water

and calling out, "Mommy! Mommy!"

You stop it, Patrice!

Nothing wrong with a man
being close to his mother!

Well, not as close as you are.

Not natural.

Well, no marriage is perfect.

Some people are too
close to their mothers,

others spend half their
life at the Betty Ford clinic.

And yet others sleep
with their secretaries.

Well, at least you
see your husband.

Phil, don't get started.

Oh, excuse me for having
an opinion, Ms. CEO.

We'll talk when we get home.

I don't think you even
know where home is.

I cannot believe you dragged...

Look, I gave up my career...

My mother is a savior.

If you just made a
little effort to get along...

She has a condition!

Now, that was a fun party.

I mean, these things
are usually boring as hell.

Isn't it weird?

Our marriage is
a complete fraud,

and yet it was still
better than those.

Who would have ever thought
Patrice was packing heat?

Wow.

I mean it, Ned.

I mean, you look at
all these real marriages

that started out in
such an honest place,

and then they acquired all
these layers of deception.

It makes you wonder, doesn't it?

What's real, what's fake.

What's the difference?

Hey, I don't think there
really is any difference.

Oh, see, that's so cynical.

I don't think I could live

unless I believed
there was a difference.

And yet... you're
in a fake marriage.

So that really makes you
more cynical than I am.

It does, doesn't it?

I gotta stop thinking
about this stuff.

So...

Ready for that talk now?

No.