Ned and Stacey (1995–2017): Season 1, Episode 1 - Ned and Stacey - full transcript

[♪♪♪]

Hey, Steve. Hey.

How's it going, man? All right.

You are a large, angry
dude. You know that?

Hey, Ross, what's
wrong with the Knicks?

Barkeep!

Hey, Ned. What can I get you?

Give me a Scotch, neat.

Iced tea?

Keep them coming, beard boy.

I don't really drink.



I just like saying,
Scotch, neat.

It sounds better than tea, neat.

So, you looking
for an apartment?

Yes, I am.

Classifieds?

Yes... the classifieds.

Okay. If it's working
for you, carry on.

Well, it is.

Okay, fine, where
should I be looking?

Where do you want to live?

Greenwich Village.

Bohemian, huh?

Gimme room.

No. No.



Ah.

NYU professor Milton
Kerth, 86, found dead,

of massive brain hemorrhage
in Greenwich Village co-op.

Start packing.

Please.

It's been a pleasure.

Excuse me.

Moyer. It's right
there! Right there!

Hey, how you doing, Stace?

Amanda, the entire human race,

all 5 billion of them,

are getting on my nerves.

Yeah, well, I have two
kids with the flu, so I win.

You find a place yet?

No. I've been
looking for a month.

I can't afford
anything in this city.

Living at home is
driving me insane.

Every night, Mom
starts in on me:

"Why aren't you married?

Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?"

She sounds like a
middle-aged Jewish car alarm.

What does she want from you?

It's not your fault Gary
called off the wedding.

Amanda, he did not call it
off. It was a mutual decision.

It was not.

It was too.

We decided
mutually to call it off

when he told me he
wasn't gonna show up.

Hey, have a drink, Stace.

Amanda, I just...

I just wanna meet a
guy who's, you know,

more or less... perfect.

I mean, you think your
husband's perfect, don't you?

Eric?

He's an idiot.

But he's sweet, and I love him.

In the real world, that's
a good relationship.

And, by the way, he's, um,
bringing a friend for you tonight.

Amanda, I told you
to stop fixing me up.

So who is he? Is he cute?

He's an account executive
at Eric's ad agency.

I never met him, but he's
supposed to he a nice guy.

Oh, there's Eric now.

Eric.

Eric!

Eric!

Yo, Rico.

Sir Ned.

Oh, God.

So, right now there's an
opening for a creative director

at my ad agency, which
I definitely deserve,

based on my track record.

But is it competency that gets
rewarded in the corporate world?

I don't think so.

It's ruthlessness.

Naked ambition.

The obsessive craving
for power and success.

Luckily, I have those
qualities too, so I'm a shoo-in.

[LAUGHS]

Actually, what's
gonna clinch it for me is

if I can come up
with a hot campaign,

for Hunter All-Cotton Briefs.

You ever worn those briefs?

It's like you've got
cactus in your pants.

[LAUGHS] Cactus
in your pants. Ow!

Whoa, boy.

But, you know, you
can't change the world,

so you gotta do what
you gotta do, you know?

You gotta make your
own brand of justice.

ERIC: Yes, yes. You
make your own justice, yes.

He's like this down
at the office too.

He's a maverick.

He's brash. He's sassy.

He's a Young Turk. He's...

Honey? Yeah?

Shut up. Mm-hmm.

So, Hunter Briefs...
I'm thinking...

Excuse me, Ned.

Could we return to your
intriguing little theory

of justice for just a moment?

Sure.

Call me, crazy, but
I don't think justice

has anything to do with

whether some mid-level
advertising executive,

can sell lousy underwear
and get promoted.

I think it has to do
with basic human rights.

Like whether
oppressed minorities

have access to decent housing
and education and health care.

Stacey writes for
the Village Voice.

Uh-huh.

Hence the fiery, indignant,
left-wing sensibility.

And you're right
wing, I suppose.

Actually, I'm wingless.

Non-political.

Completely...

What, cynical?

Self-involved?

Well, yeah, those.

But, you know, honest
enough to admit it.

Okay, Ned. Since
you're so honest,

tell me, why did you agree
to this blind date tonight?

Because you heard
I was attractive

and thought you might be
able to charm me into bed?

No.

Oh, so I suppose
you came in search of

intelligent conversation

and the possibility of a
meaningful relationship.

No.

Oh.

Th-then why are you here?

As a favor.

Okay, look, Ned, if
you did anyone a favor

by coming here tonight,
it certainly was not me,

because you and I live
in different universes.

Maybe I do have
impossibly high standards,

but I'm sorry, I'm
just not interested

in things that are
superficial and trivial.

To me, the only thing that
matters is what's underneath.

Which is why,

I am leaving.

Good night.

I liked her.

RECEPTIONIST:
Mr. Haywood... Ned Dorsey is here.

See if he can come
back after lunch, Nancy.

NED: Who are you in there with?

Okay, come on in,
Ned. Come on in.

Hey, Spence.

Listen, I gotta
run out to a lunch.

What's up?

Oh, I just wanted
to get your thoughts

on the spot I did
for Hunter Briefs.

I loved it.

Try and get it
on the air tonight.

Might as well put it
out on the back stoop,

see if the cat laps
it up, right, my boy?

Ha, ha. That's a good one.

Anything else?

Like, what?

Like, congratulations on
your promotion, my boy?

I was, uh, gonna talk to
you about this later, um...

Ned, I'm planning
to promote Snowden.

Snowden?

Ah, come on, Spence.

Snowden's a complete imbecile.

Well, that's a
little harsh, Ned.

Those are your words.

Listen... don't you think I
wanted to promote you?

But you know the game.

We're handling a lot
of family products now.

And those clients
like to deal with execs

who are married
family-type guys,

which... you, my boy, are not.

I gotta run. See you later.

Well, I'm glad I
didn't tell you now.

Tell me what?

It's just, I'm getting married.

But that's neither
here nor there.

Getting married? You?

Yeah. What, did you think

I was too obsessed
with my career,

to have a personal life?

Yes.

Maybe I was wrong about you.

Whoa. All right, whoa.

I can see where you're
going with this, Spence.

I am not going to accept
a promotion just because

I happen to be getting
married to somebody.

What's she like?
What's she like?

What's she like.

She's fantastic, okay?

She would be the
perfect executive wife,

who would have clients swooning
over her at cocktail parties,

if I were to accept
this promotion.

But I will not.

So, you just get that out of
your head, Spence. Thanks.

When's the wedding?

Sunday. Uh, a week from Sunday,

And you're invited, of course,

provided you stop
the promotion talk

right here, right now.

Ned, I don't want to
hear any more about it.

You're promoted,
and that's that.

God, I hate this
business sometimes.

I could have been a contender.

I can hardly...

You gonna play
like that all night?

Stacey, darling, do you think

we could leave the television
on one channel for a while?

None of us speak Korean, dear.

[SPEAKING KOREAN]

[WHISPERS] Saul...

ask her how the
apartment hunting is going.

[LOUDLY] Why should
I ask her? You ask her.

I didn't get a chance
to look today, Mom.

Oh?

[WHISPERS] Then why
was she so late getting home?

I was late because
I was at a... thing.

A thing?

What, like a hippie thing?

A hippie thing?

No, Mom, I was at a
memorial service, okay?

For a college professor.

Oh, I'm sorry, dear.

Is that why you're so depressed?

Actually, yes.

His apartment was two
blocks from my office.

It would have been perfect.

But instead, they
rented it to his niece,

just because she gave
him sponge baths every day.

[WHISPERS] What
does she mean by that?

[SHOUTS] How the
hell should I know?

WOMAN: Ned, you and I
live in different universes.

Maybe I do have
impossibly high standards.

But I'm sorry, I'm just
not interested in things

that are superficial
and trivial.

To me, the only thing that
matters is what's underneath.

MALE NARRATOR:
Hunter All-Cotton Briefs.

Because the only thing that
matters is what's underneath.

[LAUGHS]

Pick me up a couple of
pair of those, will you, Ellen?

Hello... Charmaine?
This is Ned Dorsey.

You know... I really enjoyed
having coffee with you.

Has it been four years?

Huh. Wow.

So, anyway...

wanna get married?

You know anybody that
wants to get married?

Okay, fair enough.

Uh, keep in touch.

Allison?

Ned Dorsey.

Look, I know we
parted on bad terms, but

y-you gotta admit your
mother is an attractive woman.

Hello?

Hola, Conchita?

Es Señor Ned.

Nah, forget it.

I'll see you Wednesday.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

[HEAVY KNOCK ON DOOR]

Oh.

Hello.

Hello.

Remember me?

I'm not sure.

Then let me remind you.

I'm the person you exploited
without a trace of conscience.

You're gonna have
to be more specific.

Stacey Colbert.

We were fixed up by Eric
and Amanda last week.

Oh, right, right.

I just woke up.

So... how are you?

How am I?

How should I be, Ned?

You took my heartfelt,
emotional outburst

word for word

and used it in an
underwear commercial.

Oh, God. Look, I
have a meeting at 9.

Look, Stacey...

I'm sorry about that
whole commercial thing,

You know, for the life of
me, I couldn't remember

whose outburst that was.

What do you say,
100 bucks cover it?

You don't get it, do you?

I didn't go through
all the trouble

of trying to find
out where you live

because I wanted to be paid.

This is about values and
ethics and human dignity.

Oh, yeah.

I remember you now.

Look Ned, this may be
hard for you to believe,

but not everyone is obsessed
with money and material things

and park views and...

Nice apartment. What
is it, a one-bedroom?

Two.

Two?

The rent must be astronomical.

Ah, 1500.

That's all?

Uh, it's rent-controlled.

My aunt lived here for 30
years, and then she sublet it to me

when she went
into a nursing home.

She's got a pretty bad
case of Alzheimer's.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Were you always close to her?

No.

In fact, she's not even my aunt.

That's just what I told her.

Look, Stacey... I gotta
jump in the shower,

so if you could
just let yourself out,

that'd be great.

Ned.

Bye-bye. Thanks for coming over.

I think you should let me
rent out your spare bedroom.

You said yourself that
you owe me something.

What I desperately
need now is an apartment.

I know we're not
very compatible,

but if we keep our
lives totally separate,

there's no reason why
we can't coexist peacefully.

But if your answer's no,
I completely understand.

No. Oh. Why not?

Oh, come on, Ned.

You wouldn't even
know that I was here.

I can be a very unobtrusive
person when I want to be.

Well... obviously, this
is not one of those times.

But... that's not
the reason, anyway.

Well, then what's the reason?

The reason is,
I'd have to impose

a condition upon you that
you would never ever agree to.

Oh, I get it.

You want someone
who'll have sex with you.

No.

And would you mind wiping
that disgusted look off your face?

Well then, what's the
big secret condition, Ned?

Just tell me, please.

You'd have to marry me.

Huh?

I told my boss I
was getting married

in order to get a promotion,
so now I have to get married.

I mean, it doesn't have
to be a real marriage.

Just a marriage minus
the love, sex and intimacy,

which, now that
I think about it,

is more real than the real kind.

You're quite a
psychopath, aren't you?

Look, Stacey... I really
gotta get out of here...

and you have to get out of here.

You first.

Wait, wait, wait.

Wait Ned, I wanna discuss this.

Not that I'm
interested, of course,

but as a journalist,
I find it fascinating

that you would actually consider

doing something so deviant.

Well, let's not forget:
I am a psychopath.

So, Ned, this person
you're looking for...

Let's call her person X.

Could she date other people?

Well, on her own time.

But very discreetly.

Um... what if person X got
serious about somebody...

uh, say guy Y,

and wanted to marry him?

She'd have to give me two years,

by which time, I'd be
entrenched in upper management,

and they'd expect
me to get a divorce.

Can she redecorate this
room with French antiques?

Yeah, but she's
gonna have to tell me

if she's gonna do
this pretty damn quick.

Because there's a lot of women

that ride the elevator
in my office building...

and one of them is
gonna be my fiancée,

within the next half hour.

I'll do it.

You're person X?

Get outta town!

Ned... I need a place to live.

As sick and twisted as this
arrangement is, I have no other choice.

I'm desperate.

Works for me.

That's the laundry room key,

front door key

and, uh, an engagement ring.

Don't lose that
laundry room key.

With the power vested in
me by the state of New Jersey,

I proudly pronounce
you husband and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

Okay, but keep it short.

Ha-ha. Don't flatter yourself.

[APPLAUSE]

So, Stacey, let me ask you,

what drew you to Ned?

What made you fall in
love with this crazy lug?

Um. Well, you know...

Let me just say this.

From the first time I
walked into his home,

I knew I wanted to live there.

That's nice.

[CHUCKLES]

[SOBBING]

Ellen, please try
to stop crying, huh?

I'm just so overcome that
Stacey's found such a wonderful,

successful, young man.

And so quickly too.

I feel close to
you already, Ned.

And I feel very
close to you too.

Oy.

You seem like a real mensch.

You seem like a big
old mensch yourself.

Oh, for crying out loud, Ellen,
you're gonna sprain your eyes.

You know, they're nice.

Who are they?

[SOBBING]

Well, I'm out of here.

Catch you later.

Where you going?

I have a date.

A date? With who?

The girl that was
serving hors d'oeuvres.

The girl who was serving
hors d'oeuvres today

at our wedding?

Hey, she asked me out.

I'll see ya.

Uh, Ned, wait.

Hmm?

I want a divorce.

Ha, ha. It's great that you
have a sense of humor.

Well, bye.

I'm not kidding.

I thought I could go
through with this, but I can't.

I can't. I want out.

Now.

Look,

I really don't know what you're
talking about here, Stacey.

You and I have an agreement.

[HYSTERICALLY] I don't care.

This is just too
strange and horrible.

I mean...

I mean, for God's
sake, look at me.

This is my wedding day.

And tonight is my wedding night.

I mean, this is supposed to
be the most unforgettable night

of my life.

I want to have beautiful,
wonderful sex tonight.

With me?

No!

Not with you!

With my real husband who
loves me and cares about me!

[LONG SIGH]

And who might that be?

He doesn't exist. But he should.

And he should be
here with me right now.

You know, you
slap a wedding dress

around a woman,
and they go insane.

Insane?

Excuse me... I am not insane.

If anyone here is
insane, it is you, Ned.

After all, this whole
wedding thing was your idea,

and you just tricked me
into going alone with it!

Admit it.

I admit nothing.

You did.

Just like you tricked your
boss into giving you a promotion.

Just like you tricked
that poor, senile woman

into thinking she's your aunt.

I visit her once a month, Missy.

Just like you tricked my father
into buying prickly underwear.

I did not trick... Really?
He bought some?

You know, you are unbelievable.

You know, you really
are a psychopath.

Well, that makes us Mr. and
Mrs. Psychopath, doesn't it?

Look... Stacey, based
upon this marriage,

I got a promotion.

I got a corner office.

I got two secretaries,
one of whom is qualified.

This is my life, baby!

Well, I've got
news for you, Ned.

There are a few other
people on this planet,

and they have lives too.

But you don't care, do you?

Because you don't
feel anything, Ned.

Well, I do! Oh, do you?!

Yes! And I think it
is completely wrong

for two people to be married

when they don't
even like each other!

Well, there's only one
thing wrong with that!

What? I never
said I didn't like you!

You didn't?

Hey... I...

I wouldn't marry somebody

if I didn't at least like them.

But I guess I have
higher standards

in a fake spouse than you do.

[SIGHS]

Look, I'm sorry if I got
a little carried away.

I... I do that.

Look, I think I'm gonna stay in.

I wanted to catch the
end of the Knicks game.

Besides... I can't
really enjoy a date,

after a knockdown
with the missus.

You mind?

Oh, no, no, no. That... Fine.

SPORTSCASTER: A
minute-twenty remaining in the fourth.

Jordan... blocked!

What is this?

[LAUGHS UNCOMFORTABLY]

You did say I could redecorate.

[GRUMBLES QUIETLY]

You know that this
dress was taffeta?

Don't start.

[♪♪♪]

[INAUDIBLE SPORTSCASTER
COMMENTARY ON TV]

[♪♪♪]