Nathan for You (2013–…): Season 2, Episode 4 - Liquor Store; Exterminator; Car Wash - full transcript

My name is Nathan Fielder,

and I graduated from one
of Canada's top business schools

with really good grades.

Now I'm using my knowledge

to help struggling
small-business owners

make it
in this competitive world.

This is Nathan for you.

Nabil Khalil is the owner
of Bouquet Plaza Liquor

in Santa Clarita,
California,

and every day,
he deals with a problem

that has vexed
liquor store owners for years.



We always have teenager

trying to come
and buy alcohol.

We always refuse the sale.

As far as I'm concerned,

no business should ever have to
turn away a paying customer,

so I paid Nabil a visit
to help him out.

Every time you turn away
a teenager

who's trying to buy alcohol,
you're losing a sale.

Yes, because that's
what the law is.

Mm-hmm. So, from now on,
you allow them to purchase it,

but they just can't take it home
until they're 21.

The main reason
teenagers want booze

is to look cool
to their friends,

so if Nabil let minors
purchase alcohol,



but then held it
in a storage locker

until their 21st birthday,
Bouquet Plaza Liquor would gain

a ton of new underage customers,
who could then

brag to their friends
that they own booze.

The plan, increase business
by selling alcohol to minors.

Could be possible, but
when you get close to that age,

definitely, you don't want
a voucher that says,

"Oh, yes, I own
couple bottle of liquor,"

But where they are?
So they want to have it.

Well, no offense,
but, you know, I'm a bit closer

to my teenage years
than you are,

so I think I know
what youth these days want.

If they get the happiness
of "Yes, I have it,"

that would be great.

With Nabil on board,
I created some tags

that would work like
a coat check system for alcohol.

So minors could reclaim
their booze from storage

once they turn 21.

Next, I had to get
the word out to young people,

so I arranged a meeting

with the chair
of a local youth little league

in the hopes of landing
a sponsorship deal.

You seriously are talking
about putting a banner

that says,
"We sell liquor to minors"?

These minors don't
actually get to take home

the alcohol
till they're 21.

Well, I do understand it,
but I'm not sure that I agree

with tying that
up to our little league.

Do you understand
what I'm saying?

I don't know
if this helps in any way,

but we'd also be willing
to offer a free bottle of gin

to every kid in the league.

No, I'm sorry.

Thank you
for your time, then.

Well, thank you
for your offer.

- Yeah.
- I'm sure it'll work out.

- Oh, no.
- What?

- What is this for?
- This--

- What is this for?

Oh, no, no, no.

No, no.
Thank you very much, though.

- Are you--
- Let me show you out.

- No, no, are you sure?
- Yeah, yeah. We're done.

With sponsorship
off the table,

I needed a different way
to reach the youth market,

so I hired a teen actor
to pose as a student

to get the word spreading
at a local high school.

So right off the bat,
you know, before you talk

about the liquor store
or anything,

you got to establish
a rapport

so the teens you're talking to
think you're cool.

- Okay.
- So maybe talk about

how school sucks, you know,
or a bit

about how the Internet's
awesome or something.

and throw in
some swear words too.

So try that.

Hey, man, what's up?

Hey, dude, that Internet
these days is so dope.

Man, school sucks, dude.

You can just go
on the stinking Internet.

With Connor trained,
I gave him a backwards hat

and sunglasses
so he would look cooler.

Then I sent him
onto school property

to begin spreading the word.

So how about that internet,
man? What's up?

Oh, the teacher sucks, but
the Internet rules, you know?

So, anyways,
I got this cool tip.

There's this liquor store
down the block.

It's called
Bouquet Plaza liquor store,

and it sells alcohol
to minors.

Okay, I got to go
back to skipping class.

With Connor working
the school,

I headed
back to Bouquet Plaza,

ready to receive
our underage customers,

and within minutes,
they began to arrive.

Did you read
the sign outside?

- That's-- Did you--
- That's real?

- Yeah.
- Yeah, yeah. You can

- Go grab some if you want.
- You want to go ahead

and grab yourself
some alcohol or something?

I mean, I guess so.

- Look what you got, huh?
- Look at that.

- 40 ounce.
- Oh, that's huge, buddy.

- High life, awesome.
- You're gonna start heavy,

- Don't you?
- Yeah.

- So you own this now.
- Yeah, it's tight.

Pretty sweet.
Ah, ah, not so close.

You get a claim check,
so you're allowed to come back

and claim it when you're 21.

Yeah, but--

I want it for right now.
I don't want it two years later.

With no refunds allowed,
the minors had no other option

but to fill out the claim check,
allowing them to own alcohol

without the consequences
of consuming it.

What you're doing is weak.
That sucks.

It's cool and legal.

Breaking the law
is never cool.

Seems like a waste
of money to me.

My plan was working,
and Nabil was now able

to sell to a whole new type
of customer.

Why did I even
just pay for this?

Because you're allowed
to own the alcohol.

Okay, well, I don't want
to own the alcohol.

I want the alcohol.

Knowing that some teens
wouldn't be satisfied

leaving empty-handed,
I had a corner of Nabil's store

converted to look
like a cool basement

so minors could take photos
with their alcohol,

before it goes into storage,

that would help them
brag to their friends.

It felt great
to make young people happy

while teaching them
about responsible drinking.

So after closing up
for the night,

it broke my heart
that I had to give Nabil

some terrible news.

I looked into it,
and it turns out

that what we were doing
was extremely illegal,

and you know,
I got to look out for myself.

I'm sorry.

Good evening, sir.

- Yes?
- Are you the owner

- of this business?
- Yes, sir. Hi.

I'm afraid I'm gonna have to
place you under arrest.

Why? What's going on, sir?
How am I--

For doing good business!

You're not in trouble at all,
I was joking.

So really?
It does work out?

Yeah, it's not illegal.

- Okay.
- I mean, he's not a real cop,

- he's a stripper, yeah.
- That's okay.

But to bring
a stripper to a businessman,

it's not a really
good idea, no.

- Oh, you don't like it?

Not at all. Like, okay--

Well, it was a joke,
you know,

like, you thought he was a cop.
You know?

That's what I'm saying,
even if it's gonna be a joke,

Nathan, to bring a businessman,
bring him, like, stripper--

a guy stripper, it's not really
gonna be the cool thing to have.

All right.

Javier Arteaga
is an exterminator

and the manager
of Bugs "A" to "Z,"

a pest-control company

based out of Woodland Hills,
California,

and he's desperate
to expand his business

beyond the residential
homes he normally services.

It'd be great if, I mean,
we land any kind of hotel work.

Javier wanted a contract
with a major hotel,

and I had the perfect method
to win him that deal.

Rather than making it
look like the hotel has

an exterminator visiting,
why don't you instead

make it look like the hotel
is winning an award?

Right.

Every hotel's greatest fear is
having to hire an exterminator,

because their arrival
is basically an announcement

that the hotel has pests,

so if Javier could disguise
his purpose

to make it look like he's there
to give the hotel an award,

he'd not only delight guests,

but surely win a contract
with the hotel

that wants to keep
their pest problem a secret.

Now, how--I mean,
do I show up with--

I mean, I just--
I-I--as far as, I mean--

If customers see you
coming in,

they're actually
gonna be like,

"Oh, this hotel
is really good,"

you know, rather than seeing
an exterminator

and being like,
"Oh, this hotel is not so good."

You've done this before.

You know,
you're a business major.

I mean, what's the worst
that's gonna happen?

Javier was on board
with the concept.

So, to sell this to a hotel,
I needed to show them

exactly how the system
would work,

so I had one of Javier's
service vans rewrapped

to look like a delivery vehicle
for the Hotel Excellence Awards,

a very prestigious organization
that I made up.

Then Javier and I worked
to develop a discreet method

for exterminating
every room in a hotel.

- Like, some sort of secret...
- A compartment

- or or an opening.
- Compartment that opens up.

With the system now in place,
I got permission

from the historic Mayfair Hotel
to shoot a demonstration video

of our method that we could then
present to their management.

It begins by arriving
in our covert vehicle,

then removing what looks
like a large trophy

that's being awarded
to the hotel.

This serves a dual purpose
of both getting

our equipment inside,
and impressing guests,

as they see that they're
currently residing in the hotel

with the least amount
of bedbugs.

- With the least bedbugs?
- Yeah.

So it's a possibility
of some being there.

We're just delivering
the award,

- we don't know.
- Oh, okay.

Then, we make our way
into the private back offices

where we can safely remove
all our gear

without anyone seeing.

Once that's done,
we convert our awards table

into a custom-designed
maid cart,

and I change my outfit
to look natural pushing it.

The hollowed-out interior
then allows Javier to travel

from room to room
without drawing any suspicion

from hotel guests.

You okay in there?

Yeah.

When we get
to an infested room,

the cart blocks the doorway
and Javier is able

to sneak out
without anyone seeing.

A quick handoff of the vacuum
then gets our equipment inside,

and Javier can get to work

spraying down
the pest-ridden areas.

Although we didn't
find any in this hotel,

Javier told me he often
encounters mattresses

that get so infested
with bedbugs

they have to be thrown out.

So I also wanted to show
the hotel manager

that we had a method
to secretly dispose of one

without guests thinking
anything fishy was going on,

and since the Mayfair catered
to a lot of Asian clientele,

the perfect cover
was obvious.

In the guise
of an impromptu celebration,

we were able to take
a mattress

straight through the lobby,
and once outside,

all it took was a quick
identity changeover

to keep everything
looking normal to onlookers.

Then, in the blink of an eye,
we're gone,

without anyone ever knowing

the hotel had a problem
with pests.

So later that week,
I was hopeful our sales video

would be enough to win over
the Mayfair manager,

Mike Schoeffin.

Underneath that dragon
is our mattress

that was covered with bedbugs,
infested with bedbugs.

And you can see we've been
developing a new method

of spraying the public areas
using a blind man's cane.

So to guests,
it just looks like,

"Oh, there's a blind man
stumbling around the lobby."

- Right.
- So that's what we're about.

And once our sales video
was done,

it was time to seal the deal.

Let's get your signature
on that contract.

I'm not gonna make
a decision right this minute.

Mike didn't seem to want to do
business with Bugs "A" to "Z,"

so I excused Javier
to speak with Mike one-on-one.

Hey, so it's clear
you don't want to give

a deal to us today,
right?

Not without comparing
all the numbers, no.

You know, I have a TV show,
and on the show,

we like to have happy endings,

so would you be able to sign
this contract

just for the cameras?

Uh, if it's just
for the cameras,

as long as it's not binding.

Great, here you go,
just sign here and--

just for the cameras.

- There you go.
- All right,

so we have a deal then.

We have a deal
in the TV show--

Oh, no, but in the contract,
it said that

"I understand
that when Nathan asks,

"'Will you sign this contract
for the camera?'

"I understand that that's code
for 'Will you sign the contract

"'in real life.'"
- Oh.

- You can see.
- Mm-hmm.

- That clause right there.
- Right.

The contract was presented
to me under false pretenses.

Trust me,
this is a good call,

so you shouldn't feel bad
about this.

- No, you tricked me, and it's--
- It's not a trick.

- No, it is a trick.
- No, it's not a trick.

And I don't appreciate it.

Everything
was in the contract.

I don't appreciate it.

I did it,
and I couldn't wait to share

the good news with Javier.

Yeah. All right.
Happy, right?

- Yeah.
- Okay, good.

Rub-a-dub-dub,
splish, splash,

suck, suck, and...

These are just
some of the sounds you'd hear

if you paid a visit
to Los Feliz car wash

in Atwater Village,
California.

But one sound you won't hear
that often is "Cha-ching."

Amir Lankarani
is the owner here,

and he admits that lately,
business has been tough.

Occasionally,
can be very much so struggle.

But for a man
whose business is cleaning,

I was surprised
by how filthy his office was,

and it made me wonder
if this was part

of a sophisticated strategy.

Do you keep your office
this dirty to make a point

to your customers that you
only care about cleaning cars?

Yes, rather than trying
to clean my office,

I put my emphasis
in cleaning their car.

So this is all
intentional.

Yes.

I mean, I've seen clutter,
but you go all out.

- Well, I do my best.
- Yeah, I mean,

you have a full-size
toilet bowl under your desk.

Well, the reason behind it is,
we bought it for our--

What is it?
One of the bathrooms,

haven't had the chance
to replace it yet.

You don't use that toilet?

Not here, no.

- No?
- No.

Amir clearly had
a unique approach

for marketing his car wash,
and that meant

I had an idea
that he was gonna love.

Los Feliz car wash
is uniquely situated

in a neighborhood
with very few birds,

so if Amir could somehow
attract more birds

to specific trees that overhang
the streets nearby,

demand for his services
would surely go up.

The plan, more birds
equals more business.

Birds?

I mean, there's nothing
wrong with putting a bird

- in a tree.
- That's true.

What they do after that
is their own choice.

That's right.

So, if they do that on a car,
it benefits you,

- But--
- More dirty cars,

more dollar signs coming inside
the register.

You're right.

Amir was into the idea,
so the first step

was finding the right tree
to host the birds.

Directly across the street
from the car wash

was the perfect branch
that hung over traffic.

This is where
I needed them to be.

Since I know birds
love bird seed,

I sprinkled some
along the branch

and all over the tree
in the hopes of attracting them,

but surprisingly, after a day,
no birds had come.

So I emptied out
a couple of tuna cans

and packed them
with earth worms and soil

then taped those
to the branches,

thinking that this would be
a more appealing treat.

I even put tiny scarecrows
in other trees in the area

that I didn't want
the birds to go in,

but again,
no birds showed up,

and I wasn't about to spend
the rest of my life

helping this car wash.

So I arranged
for a bird wrangler to come

and physically put pigeons
up on the branch,

but frustratingly,
they weren't pooing enough

to make the impact I needed,

so I talked
to the bird wrangler

to see if she had
any other ideas.

Chickens or peacocks, they--
they poop pretty good.

Don't you think chickens
would maybe look

a bit strange
in the tree though?

- Maybe?
- No, chickens roost in trees.

So it wouldn't really
stand out as being that weird?

- No, uh-uhh.
- Okay.

- I trust your instincts, then.
- Yeah.

Taking Carol's advice,
we added some chickens

to the tree, which she said
had to go more regularly,

and it helped,
but the dropping size

just wasn't big enough
to persuade people

into getting their cars
washed,

so we arranged to have
a peacock added to the mix

that can drop loads
50% larger than the chickens.

And with that, I felt like
I had everything I needed

to get things started.

So I posted a sign
at the car wash

advertising a new special.

Now I wanted to show Amir
the birds in the tree.

Wow.

- That's great.
- Yeah.

I mean, it just looks--
Mother Nature, doesn't it?

So people are driving under,
they're dropping all over cars,

and then
where are they gonna go?

Right there
across the street.

- Yeah.
- Makes--you know, makes...

common sense, doesn't it?

Now I needed to figure out
a way to get cars to stop

so the birds would have enough
time to do their business.

Sir, sorry. Sorry, I dropped
my contact lens over here,

so I'm just looking for it.

Yeah, I don't-- I'm worried
you might drive over it.

Could you help me?

Yeah.

Um, I don't know where.

Oh.
There's a lot of birds today.

Sorry, there's a car wash
down the street,

they can do a really good job
of taking it off.

If you want,
there's a coupon.

My plan was finally
paying off.

You got chickens
up in that tree.

The droppings were actually
encouraging drivers

to pay a visit
to the car wash.

As the day progressed...

Do you know how to get
to the Hollywood sign from here?

Nature was taking its course,
and even though

I took a brutal splash
in the mouth...

I'd do it again in an instant
if it meant bringing in

one more customer
to that car wash.

So at the end of the day,
I met up with Amir

to see if he was happy
with my results.

So how do you feel
about everything today?

Beautiful. Seems like the idea
is working a little bit,

at least I saw a few cars
with the bird poo-poo.

Poop, yeah.
Now, just so you know,

I bought all of the pigeons
and the chickens for you,

so you can go and put them up
yourself if you choose.

Okay.

Now, I know this might be

a bit of an awkward subject
to broach,

but I know you have an "employee
of the month" program here.

- Yes, we do.
- You know,

I obviously showed you today
that I did a good job,

and so I was wondering

if you would consider me
for that.

For the employee
of the month?

Yeah.

Sure.

Okay, thanks.

You're quite welcome.

Now, do you normally
do a ceremony or something?

We normally just present them
with a $25 gift certificate.

Okay, it maybe is a bit low
for what I did.

Is it possible
to up it to $200?

Sure.

Great,
thank you so much, that's...

- My pleasure.
- such an honor, I mean--

Okay.
You're quite welcome.

"Welcome to our
employee-of-the-month

"meeting ceremony.

"This honor goes to the person
who has shown

"the most commitment
to the company this month,

"the person who has worked
the hardest,

"and who is just
the best person in general.

"This month-- This month,
it goes ot Nathan.

- Me?
- Yes, you, Nathan.

- Oh, my God, really?
- Yes.

Oh, my God.
I'm so surprised.

- Thank you so much.
- My pleasure.

- Thank you very much.
- I'm so honored,

Uh...

Oh, thank you.

- "And there's
your $200 cash prize..."

- Bonus.
- Your $200 cash bonus.

Thank you so much.
Oh, my God.

Oh, okay.

Thank you.

"Now, if you can all
form a line,

"Then Nathan will walk
past you,

"and you can pat him
on the back."

Okay,
it's a bit embarrassing,

- Right.
- Okay.

Thank you. Thank you.

Oh, wow.

All right, see you, I guess,
or see you later.

Okay.