Nathan for You (2013–…): Season 2, Episode 3 - Pet Store; Maid Service - full transcript

My name is Nathan Fielder,

And I graduated from one of

Canada's top business schools

with really good grades.

Now I'm using my knowledge

to help struggling
small business owners

make it in this
competitive world.

This is Nathan For You.

Aw. When something this cuddly
is your product,

you'd think it would
sell itself.

But Jennifer Berardini at Pet
Mania in Burbank, California,



knows that it takes more than
just a cute little face

to bring in customers.

We advertise online,

a little bit of print mail,

sign advertising, flyers.

In The Burbank Times
they run our ad continuously.

But effective advertising
isn't about quantity.

It's about location.

So I came to Jennifer

with a targeted way
to reach potential customers.

When someone has a pet,
and the pet dies,

they want to--
get a new one.

Absolutely.

Jolly!



So, I think the best place
for you to advertise

would be...
at a pet cemetary.

Could be.

The problem is
most pet cemetaries

don't allow advertisements.

- Right.
- But there's no law

about what you're allowed
to put on a gravestone.

Pardon?

By putting an ad for Pet Mania
on a dead pet's tombstone,

Jennifer would have a permanent
billboard in a pet cemetery

that would be seen
by all the people

that just lost their pets.

The Plan: Market to mourners
by advertising on a gravestone.

I'm not sure.

Some people are gonna
take it one way,

and some people are gonna
take it another way.

And they're gonna be offended.

Obviously, I would do this
very tastefully

while, at the same time,
meet the advertising goals

of the pet store.

Okay.

In order to get a tombstone
in a pet cemetery,

I'd have to bury a real pet.

So the other night,
I caught a fly in my kitchen

and named it Buzz.

Even though Buzz would be easy
to just swat dead,

something about that felt wrong.

So I was going to do my best
to care for him

and let him die of
natural causes.

In the meantime, I began to make
arrangements for his funeral.

So I contacted one of the area's
biggest pet cemeteries

to book a date
and a grave plot.

This is your pet.

It's unconditional love.

We'll treat you the same
with the burial.

So just to be clear,

I can put whatever I want
on my gravestone.

It's completely up to you.

Granted, I've never seen a fly
come in here before,

But I'm open to it.

- There's not a problem with it.
- With the arrangements made,

I went to an engraver to lay out
the text for Buzz's headstone

that would double
as the pet store ad.

Now it was just a matter of
waiting until Buzz died.

Over the next week,

I tried to make his remaining
days somewhat enjoyable.

I gave him some rotting food
and even a ladybug

in case he wanted something
to have sex with.

He quickly became a favorite
around the office, too.

Hello, Buzz.

Sometimes he would even
stay on my finger

without flying away.

I wonder why he did that.

Then one day, when I came into
work, Buzz wasn't moving.

I assumed he was dead,

but I took him to a vet
just to be sure.

So this fly has passed away.

With Buzz officially
declared dead,

I was finally able to move
forward with my plan.

So we headed down
to the pet cemetery

for Buzz's final send-off.

To avoid any pushback
when I unveiled the gravestone,

I wanted the service to look
as legitimate as possible.

And since I'm Jewish, I hired
a rabbi to conduct the service

and had a few words with him
before.

Tell me a little bit about
what--who we are honoring.

Buzz.

- Buzz?
- Who is my pet fly.

I'm sorry.

- You laughed.
- Yeah.

Don't you think
that's a little insensitive?

Um...

What is important is
the connection that you have.

After consulting with
the rabbi,

I greeted my only guest,
Salomon,

who works in our
production office

and seemed to take
a liking to Buzz.

Have you ever been to
a Jewish funeral before?

- No.
- Oh.

What do you know about judaism?

Well, I know that
they always...

they put on this little hat.

And what else?

That's all I know.

Well, you're gonna learn a lot
more about judaism today.

Yeah.

Even though I was doing
all this to help a pet store,

I found myself actually
feeling a sense a loss

for my little friend.

And as the rabbi approached
the casket,

I really did feel at peace.

This morning, we're here
to memorialize a loved one,

Buzz, your fly.

Blessed are you, Adonai,
creator of us all.

Would there be anyone
that would like to

share a little bit about Buzz?

Do you want to go up
and say something?

I go in front
right there?

Yeah.

Uh...

Well, I met Buzz--

No, no, like this way.

Turn. Face me.

- Oh, like right here.
- Yeah.

- You stand wherever you want.
- Okay.

I met Buzz, and, um,

he was a friendly pet.

In a way, it's kind of-- it's
funny because Buzz was a fly.

But when-- wherever Buzz went,

he's not flying anymore.

Because it's right there
in the dirt.

Thank you.
Thank you.

Nathan, would you like to say
a few words?

Good-bye and...

After the service,
one of Pet Haven's employees

helped bury Buzz, and it was
time to bring in his gravestone.

Sandblasted into a 6-foot slab
of solid granite,

Buzz's gravestone
weighed nearly 3 tons

and cost us $7,000 to make--

a small price to pay
for a billboard

that will last over 600 years.

Once it was finally in place,
we unveiled the design for Mike.

Along with Pet Mania's
name and address,

I also added an extra incentive
to get mourners into the store.

- But Mike wasn't impressed.
- We need to talk about this.

Is it cool, or...

You notice there's nothing
like that around here.

Yeah. Mike was concerned
it was too big.

I can't put it there because
these are burial spots,

so there's a lot of money
involved.

I mean, money's not the issue
on a lot of things, but--

What would it cost to keep it?
$500?

Oh, no.
More than that.

- $2,000.
- Minimum.

After a brief negotiation,
we agreed that for $2,000,

it could stay forever.

And within minutes, mourners
were already taking notice

and likely thinking about
replacing their dead pets

at Pet Mania.

The next day, I brought Jennifer
to the pet cemetery

to show her what I had done
for her business.

I think you'll find this is
exactly what we agreed upon.

- Okay.
- Okay, when I count to three,

I want you to take off
the blindfold, okay?

- Okay.
- One, two, three.

- Oh, my God.

Huh?

I don't--I wasn't expecting
that huge--

I was just expecting, like,
a natural rock.

Right.

Well, it's certainly going to
bring people in to the store.

Jennifer loved the ad,

and all there was left to do
was celebrate.

Champagne.

- Oh, [bleep]!
- Oh.

Okay.
Well...

I was so happy to give Pet Mania
the attention it deserved.

And even though some might just
see it as an ad on a gravestone,

to me, it was also the perfect
tribute to a friend.

During the course
of making my show,

I've run into a surprising
amount of people

- I seem to rub the wrong way.
- Take your pizza

and stick it up your ass.

You know what you are?

You remind me of the Wizard
of Loneliness.

You're playing r-- really
a dangerous game right now.

Okay, I'm sorry.

I'm not sure why that is,
but I know that as a TV host

having a personality that people
don't like is bad for business.

And that's why
I needed to make a change.

So for the first week of
shooting my show this season,

I hired a focus group
that represents

a cross-section
of American society

to watch my every move
from a nearby box truck.

Tell me a little bit
about your business.

We have the doors.
We have mahogany wood.

Using a hidden ear piece,

they were able to give me
real-time feedback on the fly...

We have oak.

Express yourself
with your hands,

with your shoulders,
with anything.

So you've got the best prices
in town.

...that would help me become
a more likable host.

Wow.
That's really cool to hear.

Yeah.
There you go.

They told me how to engage
with my audience more.

Like 500 models of doors
you could choose from.

Now do you manufacture
all the doors in this building?

We manufacture most of them
in this building, yes.

There you go.
Good job.

And they also had some fashion
tips to make me more relatable.

I think a V-Neck
would go well with you.

A V-Neck?
Really?

A blazer.

A T-Shirt with a blazer
might work.

Yeah. That's sort of
a popular style right now.

Yeah.

The only issue
we encountered early on

was that it was hard
for the group to stay focused

while we were mobile.

- Whoa!
- Ohh...

But we quickly
found a solution to that

by bolting down the tables
and strapping them in

while the truck was moving.

As the week went on,
I was able to evolve my style

to become more in line
with their tastes,

and a more likable me
was starting to take shape.

- Good to meet you, man.
- Good to meet you too.

So tell me about
your foot massage parlor.

Oh, there we go.

Body motions are great.

We also do facial
and head, too.

Now, everyone loves
a foot massage, right?

Oh, great.
He looked out at the camera.

Great looking at the camera.
Good job.

The group was absolutely
loving who I was now.

Now, is that a soapy water
or is it just

- plain water?
- Just the water, just clean,

- pure-- just water, yes.
- Just water.

Wow.
That's so interesting.

- There you go.
- Good! Good.

And even though I was still
getting used to it,

it seemed like I had become
a better version of me.

But before fully committing
to this,

I wanted to put
my new personality

through the ultimate test.

And we'll see that in a bit.

But first...

Having a professional maid
come to your home

is one of life's great luxuries.

But what begins as a desire
to have a tidy house

often turns into
a day-long dance

where your home
isn't fully yours.

It's okay if I go
to cleaning around here?

Oh, you wanna clean
in here now?

- Here?
- Oh, yeah, yeah.

A house clean

is a full-day inconvenience.

And that gave me an idea that
would help Candy Pallares,

of The Help maid service
in Glendale, California,

offer her customers
a speedier clean.

- Nathan.
- How are you doing?

I always do a weak handshake
up front

to establish
that I'm not a threat.

Okay.

- Okay.
- Okay. That's nice.

- Just something--yeah.
- Oh, cool.

And after some small talk,
we got down to business.

A lot of people just want two
people there for two hours,

and they usually can do
a general cleaning of things.

So one maid takes four hours.

Two maids takes two hours.

- Mm-hm.
- By that logic,

40 maids could clean a house
in six minutes.

Yes.

By offering to clean houses
40 maids at a time,

Candy would not only double
the amount of jobs,

she could do in a day, but her
customers would likely pay

a premium fee for a service
that allows them to have

a spotless home
in the time it takes

to go out
and grab a cup of coffee.

The plan: For The Help to offer
the fastest clean in the country

with 40 maids.

Well, if a customer, I mean,
asked for that--

if they want 20 people,
40 people in their house,

I could provide it
because I have the teams.

But they've never
really asked for

a turbo-clean
or anything like that.

No one knows
to ask for something

that hasn't been invented yet.

It just-- I don't know
how it would work.

Candy was intrigued,

but knowing that coordination
would be our biggest challenge,

I first needed to do a test.

So I found a guy who was willing
to try out the service...

Do you know that measurements
of this room?

and mapped out a detailed floor
plan of the inside of his house.

Oh, is there something?

Yeah.
I think somebody

stepped in dog shit outside and
brought it in here, so...

Oh.
I hope that wasn't me.

So I guess they'll get that,
too, then.

- That'd be great.
- Yeah.

With a house to clean, the next
day I had Candy assemble

four of her best maids back at
the office to be team leaders.

Seven in the kitchen,
five in the living room...

And together, we came up
with a sure-fire plan

to execute a six-minute clean.

For this to work, the maids
would have to travel together,

so I had a bus rented
and outfitted with branding.

And I parked it
at a central location

where all the maids could meet.

Candy was able to assemble the
40 we needed from her roster.

And after dividing them
into groups,

the team leaders assigned each
individual maid a specific task.

And after all the maids
loaded onto the bus,

Candy had to head back
to the office.

So it was all up to me
to make this work.

- Let's do this.
- Okay.

- Okay.
- Okay.

Knowing that this would have
to be executed like clockwork,

while en route to the house,
I made sure that each maid

had her individual role
down pat.

What's your job?

I'm doing the mopping
under the b-- the, uh, bed.

You seem a bit unsure,
so I just--

You can't be second-guessing
when we're in there.

It's gonna go really fast.

What's your job?

The sink?
Is that gonna take six minutes,

- The sink?
- Mm-hm. Yeah.

- It will take six minutes?
- Mm-hmm.

Okay.

Moments later, we arrived
at the client's home.

There was nothing more I could
do to prepare them now.

All right.
We're gonna do this.

Okay.
Now?

Yeah.
The future of my concept

was in the hands
of a bus full of maids.

All right.
Ready, go!

Go, go, go.

Faster.
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go.

Pick up the pace.

Hurry in.

It's cool, huh?

Oh, yeah.
This is amazing.

Are you in a relationship
right now?

L.A. Is a really tough town

to meet good people.

So I guess that makes me
in between relationships.

What was your last
relationship?

Um, well, you know,
we were pretty serious

and played house for a while.

Yadda, yadda, yadda.

She, uh,
married her ex-boyfriend,

and, uh, I'm in L.A.
training dogs.

Oh, crap.

Hurry, hurry, hurry
as fast as you can.

Let's go, guys.
Come on.

Great job.
Come on, guys.

Come on, guys.

Once all 40 maids were out,

I brought Jim in to see if he
was satisfied with his clean.

It hasn't looked this good
since we moved in.

Realistically, it hasn't looked
this good since I moved in.

And this place was dirty, too,
I mean...

- .
- You know.

Yeah.
It looked terrible.

All right, guys.

We didn't hit our six minutes
exactly.

We were 8 minutes
and 16 seconds.

Regardless, Jim was very happy
with his clean.

Amazing job.
Y'all did a wonderful job.

Thank you very much.
Absolutely.

What do you think of Jim?

He's such a great guy
for hosting you, huh?

And, uh... he's single...

Ladies? I don't know if you're
rested in any of them.

You're very kind, but they did
all the hard work.

They deserve applause.
They really did a good job.

- Thank you.
- If you're lucky,

he could do
some hard work on you.

All right.

I was so impressed that I pulled
off a rapid house clean,

hopefully the first of many.

And the next day,
I returned to see if Candy

now saw the potential
of my idea.

I guess the biggest part
would be kind of coordinating

to see how they get there
at the same time.

But I think the cleaning itself,
I mean, seems like it's doable.

And then it worked.

- That's great.
- Yeah.

And who knows?
Maybe we could do something

- in the future.
- Yeah. Like what?

Other tasks,
other opportunities.

Yeah, yeah.
W-whatever.

- I guess.
- Mm-hmm.

Um...

What are you doing...
later tonight?

I'm gonna go have, I guess,
a late snack or something.

Oh, yeah?
Alone or...

With my husband.

With your husband.

Yeah.

That's sweet.

- Yeah.
- Uh...

It was great meeting you,
you know.

Good luck with your business.
I got to scoot, so...

- Okay, well...
- That's cool.

See you later.

Last season of my show,
I helped

a private investigator
named Brian Wolfe

who wasn't too fond
of my natural personality.

You're in a [bleep] pink shirt
and everything else.

Oh, you're killing me.

But now, thanks to the advice
of a diverse focus group,

I was able to transform
into a more likable person.

So for my final test,
I visited Brian at his home

to see what he thought of
the new me.

So I've come a long way so far,
thanks to you.

Before I go in tonight
to talk to Brian,

I just wanted to know
do I look okay?

- Is all the... outfit?
- You look good.

You're dressed, again--
it fits you perfect,

the V-Neck and the blazer.

- This is good?
- Yeah. It fits you.

- It fits you.
- Okay. And so this is me.

This is you.
Be proud of who you are.

With those encouraging words,

I marched into Brian's house
to see if my new personality

would win him over.

Brian.

Nathan. How you doing?
How you been?

I want to tell you something, Brian.

Last time I was here,
I was a little nervous.

Okay.

And I wasn't really
being myself.

So I thought
we could do this again.

- Okay.
- And this time,

you can get to know
the real me.

Look at you.

You're still a goober,
but that's just you.

- You know what I mean?
- What are you talking about,

Goober?
What's that mean?

Goober just means
like a dork, a nerd.

- I'm a nerd.
- You know you're a nerd.

You've been a nerd
your entire life.

There's nothing wrong
with being a [bleep] nerd.

- You're a nerd.
- I'm not a nerd.

All right, well, you know,
that's my opinion.

Seriously, if I threw a football
at you right now,

you think you could catch it?

- I could catch the football.
- You can catch a football?

- Yeah.
- I doubt it.

I doubt you can catch
a football.

Brian still didn't like me.

And after all the work
I had done, I didn't know why.

Don't be sad.
It's okay.

Then, when I returned
to the truck,

I was shocked to discover
that the group was trying to

distance themselves
from their own suggestions.

It's too low.

The V-Neck.
It's just too low.

Why didn't you speak up
before?

I asked before I went in
if this was good.

I didn't know it was gonna be
that low, man.

What do you mean?
You didn't like the V-Neck?

- Not that low.
- I asked you guys

before I went in what do you
think of this look?

- V-Neck is this, not here.
- You guys said

- you liked the look.
- It fits you perfectly,

V-Neck and the blazer.

That's when I realized
there was a major flaw

with my entire experiment.

This new personality
was based on the judgment

of four people who had agreed
to work out of the back

of a moving box truck.

Of course it was flawed.

In the end, maybe
there was nothing I could do

to become the guy
that everyone loves.

But for a brief moment in time,

it felt nice thinking
that I had a chance.

Can I get a little
rubby-dub-dub?

Ho ho ho ho!

- Nice.
- Good one.

Good one.
Good one.

All right.