Nathan for You (2013–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - Clothing Store/Restaurant - full transcript

- WELL, NOT TO BE
TOO FORWARD,

BUT I WOULD LOVE TO BE INCLUDED
IN YOUR WILL.

- I DON'T KNOW.

- MY NAME
IS NATHAN FIELDER,

AND I GRADUATED FROM ONE
OF CANADA'S TOP BUSINESS SCHOOLS

WITH REALLY GOOD GRADES.

NOW I'M USING MY KNOWLEDGE

TO HELP STRUGGLING
SMALL BUSINESS OWNERS MAKE IT

IN THIS COMPETITIVE WORLD.

THIS...

IS NATHAN FOR YOU.



FASHION IS A
MULTI-BILLION-DOLLAR INDUSTRY,

BUT SADLY, OUR OBSESSION
WITH CLOTHING OFTEN MEANS

THAT PEOPLE WILL GO
AS FAR AS STEALING

JUST TO GET THEIR HANDS
ON THAT HOT NEW STYLE.

AND NO ONE KNOWS THIS BETTER
THAN GABRIELLE ROMERO,

MANAGER OF HARDWEAR CLOTHING

IN LARCHMONT VILLAGE,
CALIFORNIA.

- OFTENTIMES WHEN SHOPLIFTING,
THEY COME IN TEAMS,

USUALLY MORE THAN ONE PERSON,

USUALLY ABOUT THREE PEOPLE.

- IT'S THE REAL DARK SIDE
OF RUNNING A CLOTHING STORE,

BUT OFTEN IN BUSINESS,
A NEGATIVE LIKE THIS

CAN ACTUALLY BE TURNED
INTO A POSITIVE.

AND THAT'S WHY I'M HERE.



WHAT ARE SOME OF THE TRICKS
PEOPLE DO

TO STEAL STUFF?

- UM, DEFINITELY, THEY C--
THEY TRAVEL IN PACKS.

- SORRY, YOU WERE LOOKING
AT MY HAT.

- OH, IT'S OKAY.
- OH, OKAY. IS IT--

IS IT OK--
IS IT WEIRD, OR--

- NO. YOUR HAT?
- I DON'T NORMALLY WEAR...

- NO, IT LOOKS GOOD.

- THIS TYPE OF HAT.
- I LIKE IT.

- OH, IT'S OKAY.
I DON'T HAVE TO WEAR IT.

- OKAY.
- ALL RIGHT.

- BETTER?
- SORRY, YEAH.

SO WHAT WERE YOU SAYING
ABOUT SHOPLIFTING?

- I DON'T REMEMBER.
IT HAPPENS.

- BUT MAYBE SHOPLIFTING
ISN'T SUCH A BAD THING.

YOU SEE, IN FASHION,
GOOD-LOOKING PEOPLE

ARE TRENDSETTERS.

SO RATHER THAN TRYING TO STOP
ALL SHOPLIFTERS,

HARDWEAR CAN BENEFIT
BY LETTING ATTRACTIVE THIEVES

GO FREE,

BECAUSE IF ATTRACTIVE PEOPLE
WEAR IT,

THEIR LESS ATTRACTIVE FRIENDS
WILL COME AND BUY IT.

- OH.

OKAY.

- WHAT--WHAT DO YOU THINK?

- SO WE JUST WAIT
FOR AN ATTRACTIVE PERSON

TO COME IN?

DO I HAVE TO THINK
THEY'RE ATTRACTIVE?

WHO'S THE JUDGE?

- WELL, THAT'S WHAT WE
HAVE TO DECIDE.

- OKAY. OKAY.

- I NEEDED TO PROVE TO GABRIELLE
THAT THIS WOULD WORK,

SO FIRST, I HAD HER
AND HER STAFF

EACH COME UP WITH A LIST
OF TRAITS

THAT THEY FIND ATTRACTIVE.

THEN LATER,
I COMPILED ALL THE TRAITS

INTO A MASTER LIST.

NOW I NEEDED SOMEONE
TO ENFORCE IT,

SO I HIRED
A SECURITY GUARD.

SIMON?
- HI, GOOD TO MEET YOU.

- THANKS SO MUCH FOR COMING OUT.
- OKAY.

- SO WE'RE DOING
THIS THING HERE

WHERE WE'RE ALLOWING PEOPLE
TO SHOPLIFT ONE ITEM,

BUT ONLY
IF THEY'RE ATTRACTIVE.

- OKAY.
- SO THE STAFF AND I

CAME UP WITH A LIST
OF, UH, SOME TRAITS

THAT QUALIFY A PERSON
AS ATTRACTIVE.

- RIGHT.

- SO, BASICALLY,
IF SOMEONE MEETS

ALL THESE TRAITS,

YOU KNOW,
THEY'RE ALLOWED TO SHOPLIFT.

OTHERWISE,
YOU HAVE TO STOP THEM.

- OKAY.
- OKAY.

YOU KNOW, OBVIOUSLY,
THINGS LIKE "BIG PENIS"

JUST APPLY TO MEN.

- RIGHT.

- WITH EVERYTHING IN PLACE,

WE WERE READY TO OPEN OUR DOORS
TO CUSTOMERS.

THE NORMAL TRAFFIC
WAS COMING IN,

BUT I REALIZED THAT PEOPLE
WERE MISSING THE SIGN OUT FRONT.

SO JUST TO BE SAFE,
I WENT UP TO EACH PERSON

AND TOLD THEM
ABOUT THE PROMOTION.

WE'RE DOING
A SPECIAL PROMOTION TODAY

WHERE ATTRACTIVE PEOPLE ARE
ALLOWED TO STEAL ONE ITEM.

TO SHOPLIFT ONE ITEM.

- YOU WORK HERE?

- I'M REPRESENTING
THE BUSINESS.

- WHY WOULD YOU TELL ME
TO STEAL SOMETHING?

- IT'S A SPECIAL PROMOTION.
- OKAY.

- IT WAS WORKING GREAT,
AS SEVERAL WOMEN

WERE SHOPLIFTING ITEMS.

- BUT ACCORDING TO SIMON,

THE FIRST FEW WOMEN
JUST DIDN'T MAKE THE CUT.

- SHE DIDN'T PAY
FOR THE ITEM.

- IT WAS STRANGE BECAUSE THESE
WOMEN WERE ATTRACTIVE,

BUT THEN I BEGAN TO SUSPECT
THAT OUR SECURITY GUARD

ONLY CARED
ABOUT ONE THING.

- HAVE A GOOD DAY.
- THANK YOU, YOU TOO.

- WHAT DID YOU THINK
OF HER?

- SHE WAS, UH,
SHE WAS RATHER PRETTY.

- WHAT DID YOU LIKE
ABOUT HER THE MOST?

- UH, HER FIGURE.

SHE HAD, YOU KNOW,
A PRETTY--PRETTY GOOD BUILD.

- OH. DO YOU LIKE THAT?

- YES.

- WAIT, WHAT DO YOU LIKE?

- UM, YOU KNOW,
THE WAY HER--

THE WAY HER B--
HER CHEST WAS.

- IS THAT WHAT YOU
WERE LOOKING AT THE MOST?

- UM, YEAH.
AND ALSO SHE WAS--

HER F--HER FACE
WAS SORT OF PRETTY,

BUT, YOU KNOW, NOT--
NOT, LIKE, TOTALLY PRETTY.

- THE PART YOU LIKED WAS--
- YEAH.

IT WAS--
- YEAH.

- YEAH.

- BIG BOOBS
WASN'T ON THE LIST.

AND CLEARLY, SIMON HAD
AN OBSESSION.

AND AFTER STOPPING
SEVERAL MORE ATTRACTIVE WOMEN

WITH MODEST CHESTS...

- YOU HAVE TO--YOU HAVE TO PAY
FOR ALL YOUR ITEMS.

- OKAY.
- I HAD TO INTERVENE.

LET'S SAY THERE'S NO LIST.
YOU JUST SEE HER ON THE STREET.

WHAT DO YOU--
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF HER?

- SHE IS SOMEWHAT PRETTY,

BUT SHE COULD BE PRETTIER.

- AND WHAT WOULD MAKE HER
PRETTIER?

- UH, TO LET HER HAIR DOWN
AND, YOU KNOW...

MAYBE SMI--
- AND WHAT WAS THAT?

YOU DID THAT AFTER.
TO LET HER HAIR DOWN AND WHAT?

"AND, YOU KNOW--"

I HAD TO TAKE SIMON ASIDE.

SO YOU'RE SAYING
DOUBLE "D" BREASTS

ARE ESSENTIAL FOR YOU?

- IT'S GOTTA BE--
IT'S GOTTA BE SUBSTANTIAL.

- ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT, WELL,
STICK TO THE LIST THEN, FOR NOW.

- ALL RIGHT,
I'LL STICK TO THE LIST.

- THANKS.
- YEAH.

- WITH SIMON BACK ON TRACK,

WE HAD A LOT
OF WOMEN SHOPLIFTING.

BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN
ANYTHING

UNLESS THEIR FRIENDS
ARE ACTUALLY COMING IN

TO BUY THE STUFF.

SO, TO BE SURE
THIS WAS HAPPENING,

A WEEK LATER,
I USED THE PHONE NUMBER

ON THE APPEARANCE RELEASE

TO CONTACT ONE OF THE MOST
ATTRACTIVE SHOPLIFTERS

OF THE DAY

TO GET PROOF
THAT THE CONCEPT WORKED.

HI, NATALIE. UH,

YOU SHOPLIFTED AN ITEM
FROM HARDWEAR, UH, LAST WEEK.

IS THAT CORRECT?

YES, YES, YOU'RE ALLOWED.
YOU'RE NOT IN TROUBLE.

AFTER SOME CONVINCING,

SHE AGREED
TO MEET WITH ME.

I KNEW THAT IF IT DIDN'T WORK
WITH HER,

IT WOULDN'T WORK
WITH ANYONE.

WHO ARE--
WHO ARE THOSE GUYS?

- OH, MY FRIENDS--MY FIANCE
AND THE GUY I'M STAYING WITH.

- OH, OKAY.
THANKS FOR COMING OUT.

SO WHAT WAS IT
THAT YOU SHOPLIFTED?

- A LITTLE BLACK DRESS,

SHORT IN THE FRONT,
LONG IN THE BACK,

WITH A WHITE SKULL ON IT.

- OKAY.
- YEAH.

- AND HAS ANY OF YOUR FRIENDS
SEEN YOU IN IT?

- YEAH, THESE GUYS HAVE,
BUT NONE OF MY--

- ANY GIRLS?
- NO.

- NO GIRLS.
- NO, NO GIRLS.

ALL RIGHT, WELL,

YOU HAVE TO CONVINCE A FRIEND
TO BUY SOMETHING FROM THERE.

- OH, THAT--I--

NOBODY SAID THAT TO ME.

- WELL, YOU KIND OF HAVE TO.

YOU KNOW, I--

I'D HATE TO SHOW THE POLICE
THAT FOOTAGE

OF YOU STEALING.

- OKAY, WELL, I CAN TRY,

AND IF SHE DOESN'T WANT
TO BUY ANYTHING,

I'LL GIVE YOU
THE DRESS BACK.

HEY, JULIE, HOW ARE YOU?

- I'M A NICE GUY.
- I'VE GOTTA SHOW YOU

THIS REALLY CUTE
LITTLE OUTFIT.

- NATALIE'S FRIEND AGREED
TO MEET HER AT HARDWEAR.

BUT JUST TO GUARANTEE
IT WOULD WORK,

BEFORE SHE ARRIVED,
I GAVE HER A HIDDEN EARPIECE

SO I COULD TELL HER
WHAT TO SAY.

HOT DOG.

- GOT IT.
- WHAT'D I SAY?

- HOT DOG.
- ALL RIGHT, GOOD.

- HI.
- HI, HOW ARE YOU?

- MWAH. GOOD, THANKS.

DO YOU LIKE IT?

- YEAH, I LOVE IT.
- NICE.

- HI, LADIES.

- HELLO.

- ASK HER IF SHE LIKES
WEARING SKULLS.

- DO YOU LIKE SKULLS?

- YEAH, I LOVE SKULLS.
- YOU DO?

- YEAH.

- EVERYONE'S WEARING SKULLS.

- EVERYONE'S
WEARING SKULLS.

WE MUST FIND SOMETHING
WITH SKULLS ON IT FOR YOU.

- THESE WERE ALL DESIGNED
BY GERALDO RIVERA.

- THESE WERE ALL DESIGNED
BY GERALDO RIVERA.

- OH, YEAH?
- YEAH, THEY'RE BEAUTIFUL.

OH, THAT'S BEAUTIFUL.

- MAKE HER BUY THE SHIRT.

- I THINK YOU
SHOULD BUY IT NOW.

- YEAH?
- YEAH.

- $79.33.

- AND WITH THOSE
FEW LITTLE WORDS...

- THANK YOU SO MUCH.

- THE STRENGTH OF MY CONCEPT
WAS UNDENIABLE.

- SEE YOU LATER.
THANK YOU.

- AND LATER THAT DAY,
I PAID GABRIELLE A VISIT

TO ACCEPT
MY WELL-DESERVED PRAISE.

HOW'S BUSINESS?

- UH, BUSINESS IS GOOD.

- GOOD.
- YEAH.

- SO, JUST WONDERING,
HAS ANYONE, UH,

COME IN BECAUSE OF AN ITEM

THEIR FRIEND SHOPLIFTED
OR ANYTHING?

- YEAH, ACTUALLY, ONE--
ONE GIRL DID COME BACK.

- REALLY?
- YEAH, SHE BROUGHT A FRIEND.

- OH, MY GOD.
- YEAH, YEAH.

- HUH.

- HER FRIEND BOUGHT A TOP.

- SO IT WORKED.
- I MEAN,

IT'S JUST ONE.

- HUH.

- BUT IT'S NOT GUARANTEED
TO CONTINUALLY WORK.

- HUH.

BUT IT DID WORK.

- YEAH, IT WORKED WITH THE ONE,
LIKE I SAID.

- HUH.
- BUT IT JUST SEEMS LIKE

KIND OF A RISK,
MORE THAN--

- HMM.
- MM-HMM.

- HUH.

ALL RIGHT, UM--
- IT WAS NICE MEETING YOU.

- WELL, GOOD LUCK...
- THANK YOU.

WITH YOUR BUSINESS, GABRIELLE.

- THANK YOU.

- I WISH YOU THE BEST OF LUCK.
- THANK YOU.

- OKAY.
- SEE YOU LATER.

- WHOOP.

FROM DOING THIS SHOW,

ONE OF THE MOST COMMON QUESTIONS
I GET IS,

"HOW DO YOU COME UP
WITH YOUR IDEAS?"

THE ANSWER IS SIMPLE--
RESEARCH.

WHEN I WANT TO GET A SNEAK PEEK
AT A BUSINESS,

I'LL OFTEN GO AHEAD OF TIME
IN DISGUISE.

THIS ALLOWS ME
TO TAKE A QUICK LOOK

AT HOW THE PLACE IS RUN

AND HELPS ME COME UP
WITH IDEAS.

BUT IF I WANT TO OBSERVE
A BUSINESS

FOR A LONGER PERIOD OF TIME
WITHOUT AROUSING SUSPICION,

I'LL USE
THE LIBRARIAN'S QUEST.

DESIGNED TO LOOK LIKE
A BORING '80s ARCADE GAME,

THE BODY HAS BEEN
COMPLETELY GUTTED OUT

AND REBUILT TO FIT A MAN
OF MY PROPORTIONS.

TO GET INSIDE THE BUSINESS,

I HAVE MY CREW SAY
THEY'RE A MOVING COMPANY

WHOSE TRUCK BROKE DOWN.

- HEY, DO YOU MIND

IF WE JUST KEEP THIS HERE
FOR A FEW MINUTES?

OUR TRUCK BROKE DOWN.

- MORE OFTEN THAN NOT,
STORE EMPLOYEES

WILL AGREE TO LET THEM LEAVE
THE GAME,

ALLOWING ME
TO SECRETLY OBSERVE

HOW THE BUSINESS IS RUN
WHEN THEY THINK

NO ONE IS WATCHING.

BECAUSE I'M OFTEN IN THERE
FOR LONG STRETCHES,

THE GAME'S POWER CORD
IS CONVENIENTLY A STRAW,

WHICH ENABLES MY CREW
TO DISCREETLY DROP OFF DRINKS

TO KEEP ME HYDRATED.

AND WITH AN EXORBITANT PRICE
AND BORING MOVES,

I CAN ALSO FEEL SAFE
THAT NO ONE WILL TRY TO PLAY IT.

THEN, WHEN I'VE SEEN ENOUGH,

MY CREW COMES BACK
AND RETRIEVES ME.

- THANKS AGAIN.
- OH, NO PROBLEM.

- BYE.
- THANKS.

- IT MAY SEEM LIKE
A LONG WAY TO GO

JUST FOR RESEARCH,

BUT IT WAS THIS EXACT METHOD
THAT HELPED ME

COME UP WITH MY IDEA
FOR BILLY'S DELI.

SMACK-DAB IN THE MIDDLE
OF GLENDALE, CALIFORNIA,

RESTAURATEUR GLORIA PIKE
IS SICK AND TIRED

OF HER DINER BEING EMPTY.

- THE ECONOMY OR SOMETHING
AFFECTING A LITTLE BIT.

BUT LITTLE BIT,
KIND OF SLOW.

- PRIOR TO MY VISIT,
I USED THE ARCADE GAME

TO OBSERVE BILLY'S DELI.

SURPRISINGLY, I SAW NOTHING
WRONG WITH THE BUSINESS

OR THE FOOD.

BUT AFTER BEING IN THERE
FOR SO LONG,

I REALLY HAD TO GO PEE,

AND IT WAS ONLY ONCE I TRIED
TO USE THE BATHROOM

AT SOME OF THE NEIGHBORING
BUSINESSES...

HEY, DO YOU GUYS HAVE
A BATHROOM I COULD USE?

THAT I REALIZED THERE WAS
A HUGE OPPORTUNITY FOR BILLY'S.

SO WHILE I WAS HIDING
IN THE ARCADE GAME,

I NOTICED THAT YOU GUYS
HAVE A STRICT

"BATHROOMS FOR CUSTOMERS ONLY"
POLICY.

- MM-HMM.
- AND FOR THAT,

I CONGRATULATE YOU.

- THANK YOU.
- CONGRATULATIONS...

ON LOSING MONEY.

- LOSING MONEY?

- THE PLAN: AN "ANYONE CAN USE
OUR BATHROOM" POLICY.

IN AN AREA
WHERE BATHROOMS ARE SCARCE,

BILLY'S HAS AN OPPORTUNITY
TO ATTRACT

A SLEW OF BATHROOM-GOERS
THAT CAN THEN BE CONVERTED

TO CUSTOMERS.

ONCE THEY USE THE BATHROOM,

THEN WE SELL THEM
ON EATING HERE.

- MM-HMM.

- YOU GUYS COULD BECOME

THE NEIGHBORHOOD TOILET.

- YEAH, I GUESS
IT'S GOOD IDEA.

- AND WHERE BETTER TO MARKET
TO THEM

THAN WHERE WE HAVE THEIR
COMPLETE, UNDIVIDED ATTENTION?

WE PUT TOGETHER
A SHORT COMMERCIAL

FEATURING GLORIA,

AND ONCE IT WAS DONE,

I INSTALLED
MOTION-ACTIVATED MONITORS

IN EVERY BATHROOM STALL
AND URINAL AT BILLY'S.

WITH THE AD IN PLACE,

IT WAS TIME
TO START SPREADING THE WORD

THAT BILLY'S BATHROOMS
WERE FOR EVERYONE.

THE WINDOW SIGNS WOULD WORK
GREAT FOR PASSERS-BY,

BUT I ALSO WANTED
TO SPREAD AWARENESS

TO OTHER BUSINESSES
IN THE AREA.

SO IF YOU HAVE ANY CUSTOMERS
THAT NEED TO USE THE BATHROOM,

YOU CAN SEND THEM
TO BILLY'S DOWN THE BLOCK.

- OH, OKAY.

- NOW I WAS READY
TO CONVINCE PEOPLE

WHO CAME FOR THE BATHROOM

TO STAY FOR THE FOOD.

HI, THERE.

ARE YOU HERE
TO USE THE BATHROOM?

OH, TO EAT? OKAY.
- YEAH.

- ARE YOU HERE
TO USE THE BATHROOM?

HERE TO EAT.

THREE?
- YES.

- FOR THE BATHROOM
OR FOR A TABLE?

OKAY, UM, YEAH,
SHE CAN HELP YOU.

AT FIRST, IT WAS LOOKING
LIKE MY SIGNS WEREN'T WORKING,

BUT THEN THE BATHROOM CROWD
STARTED TO ARRIVE.

HI.

FOR THE RESTROOM?
- YEAH.

YES, IT'S RIGHT AT THE BACK.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.

- OKAY.

- THEY WERE ABOUT TO SEE
OUR COMMERCIAL,

AND I WANTED TO SHOW GLORIA
THEIR REACTIONS.

SO IT'S NOT ENTIRELY LEGAL,

BUT WE SET UP
A COUPLE HIDDEN CAMERAS

INSIDE THE BATHROOM.

I'LL JUST NEED TO GET PEOPLE
TO SIGN A RELEASE

CONSENTING TO THE USE
OF THE FOOTAGE

ONCE THEY GET OUT,

WHICH I DON'T FORESEE
BEING AN ISSUE.

- HELLO, HOW ARE YOU?

WELCOME TO BILLY'S.

PLEASE ENJOY THIS MESSAGE.

- YOU MAY NOT BE A CUSTOMER,

BUT AT BILLY'S,
YOU'RE STILL WELCOME

TO USE THE BATHROOM.

AND WHILE YOU'RE DOING
YOUR THING,

I'D LIKE TO TALK TO YOU A BIT
ABOUT OUR THING--

MAKING DELICIOUS FOOD.

JUST LOOK
AT THESE FINE DISHES.

YOU CAN ALMOST SMELL
THE QUALITY FOOD,

MADE FROM THE FINEST
INGREDIENTS AVAILABLE,

LIKE OUR FAMOUS
PASTRAMI SANDWICH,

FRESH COBB SALAD,

OR OUR RICH HOMEMADE CHILI.

MM-MM, LOOK AT THAT CHILI.

PEOPLE COME
FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD

TO EAT AT BILLY'S.

SO WHY NOT STICK AROUND
FOR A MINUTE?

YOU'LL BE GLAD YOU DID.

- BILLY'S DELI,
YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD TOILET.

- NOW I NEEDED TO SEE
IF THE COMMERCIAL

DID ITS JOB.

ARE YOU HUNGRY?

- UH, A LITTLE BIT.

- SO WE HAVE A FULL MENU.
- YEAH.

- YOU CAN LOOK AT THAT.

ALSO, UH,
WE NEED YOU TO SIGN, UH,

IF YOU WOULD,
A-AN APPEARANCE RELEASE.

WE WERE FILMING YOU
IN THE BATHROOM

WITH A HIDDEN CAMERA...
- OH, REALLY?

- TO SHOW
THE CUSTOMER EXPERIENCE.

- WHICH PART OF ME
WAS BEING FILMED?

- JUST YOU
WATCHING THE VIDEO.

- OH, OKAY,
BECAUSE I'M USING THE RESTROOM.

SO I'M WONDERING
WHAT PART OF IT--

- YEAH, YOUR PRIVATE PARTS
WON'T BE SHOWN.

- OH, OKAY.

- YOU SHOULD HAVE TOLD ME
THAT YOU GUYS

ARE GOING TO FILM.
YOU DIDN'T.

NOW YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO
DELETE THIS THING.

AND I DON'T CARE
WHATEVER YOU WANT TO USE.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?

- THE IMPORTANT THING IS--
I JUST WANT TO KNOW--

- THAT'S THE IMPORTANT THING
FOR ME.

- WHAT ARE YOU GONNA EAT
TODAY AT BILLY'S, BECAUSE--

- AND IT'S A--
YOU'RE PLAYING

REALLY A DANGEROUS GAME
RIGHT NOW.

- OKAY, I'M SORRY.

WE WERE FILMING YOU

WHILE YOU WERE USING
THE BATHROOM.

- OH, OKAY.

- SO WE NEED TO, UH,
GET YOU TO SIGN

THIS RELEASE SO WE CAN USE
THE FOOTAGE

ON NATIONAL TELEVISION.

- OH.
- IF THAT'S OKAY WITH YOU.

- SURE.
- IS THAT OKAY?

- OKAY, YEAH, SURE.
- OKAY, THANKS SO MUCH.

I MEAN, IT BASICALLY SAYS
WE CAN DO ANYTHING WE WANT

WITH THE FOOTAGE
AND USE IT FOR ANYTHING.

- OH, OKAY, RIGHT.
- OKAY.

FOR THE MOST PART,

THE IN-BATHROOM FILMING
WASN'T A PROBLEM,

AND PEOPLE WERE HAPPY
TO SIGN THE RELEASE.

AND I WAS SO EXCITED
TO SHOW GLORIA MY RESULTS.

THIS MAN...

YOU CAN SEE HIM
IN THE BATHROOM.

- MM-HMM.
- NOW LOOK OVER THERE.

- UH-HUH.
- HE'S EATING.

- OH, YEAH.

- SEE THIS MAN HERE?
- THIS MAN, MM-HMM.

- HE'S AT THE URINAL.
- MM-HMM.

- LOOK RIGHT THERE.

- UH-HUH.
- HE'S EATING A MEAL.

- YES, MM-HMM.
- PRETTY AMAZING.

- UH-HUH, THAT'S GOOD.
- MY IDEA WAS A SUCCESS.

EVERYTHING GOOD?
UP TO YOUR STANDARDS?

GOOD.

AND SEEING THAT SMILE
ON GLORIA'S FACE

MADE IT ALL WORTH IT
FOR ME.

WELL, HOW DO YOU FEEL
ABOUT EVERYTHING?

- I MEAN, WE'VE WORKED TOGETHER
SO MUCH THIS WEEK, RIGHT?

- UH-HUH, YES.
- AND IN A WAY,

YOU PROBABLY SEE ME
AS A SON.

I MEAN,
WE'RE KIND OF LIKE FAMILY.

I'M LIKE YOUR SON.

- YES, IT'S LIKE THAT.
- YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.

- YES.
- YES.

- WELL, NOT TO BE
TOO FORWARD,

BUT I WOULD LOVE
TO BE INCLUDED IN YOUR WILL.

- I DON'T KNOW.

- YOU THINK IT'S A POSSIBILITY
THAT YOU--

- UM...

- YOUR DAUGHTER?

OF COURSE,
SHE HAS TO COME FIRST.

- SHE IS STARTING.
SHE'S YOUNG.

- MAYBE? YOU'LL THINK ABOUT IT?
- YEAH, YES.

- OKAY, I'LL GIVE YOU
SOME TIME TO THINK.

I DON'T WANT TO PRESSURE YOU.
- OKAY.

- I'M VERY EXCITED.
- OKAY.

- I MEAN, I MIGHT BE
THE NEW OWNER.

- I KNOW.

- I WAS SO EXCITED,

AND I COULDN'T WAIT
TO FIND OUT

IF I'D BE INCLUDED
IN GLORIA'S WILL.

- EARLIER TONIGHT,

I SHOWED YOU
HOW I RESEARCH BUSINESSES,

A PROCESS THAT INVOLVES
A LOT OF WAITING AND WATCHING.

IT CAN BE
KIND OF TEDIOUS,

SO I'D BEEN THINKING
OF GETTING SOMEONE

TO HELP ME OUT,

AND I RECENTLY MET SOMEONE

WHO BASICALLY WATCHES BUSINESSES
FOR A LIVING.

SO I CALLED SIMON
INTO MY OFFICE

TO SEE IF HE'D BE WILLING
TO TAKE ON

A SECOND JOB.

I'M LOOKING FOR SOMEONE
TO HELP OUT

WITH SOME OF THE RESEARCHING
TASKS...

- OH, OKAY.
- OF MY SHOW.

DO YOU THINK
THAT'S YOUR SKILL SET?

- UH, YES.

- NOW, I DO KNOW YOU HAVE
A VICE.

- MM-HMM.
- RIGHT?

- YEAH.

- WOMEN WITH--

- WITH, UH,
WITH--WITH LARGE--

LARGE CHESTS, YEAH.

- I MEAN, YOU LOVE THAT.
- RIGHT.

- I MEAN, HOW MUCH?

- UM, JUST--I WOULD SAY
THAT I DREAM ABOUT IT

OR THINK ABOUT IT,
YOU KNOW,

LIKE, ALMOST EVERY DAY
OF THE WEEK.

- WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT?

- I JUST THINK ABOUT, LIKE,
FONDLING OR TOUCHING.

YEAH.

- SO IF I'M GONNA GIVE YOU
THIS JOB,

I NEED TO KNOW
THAT THAT'S NOT GOING TO BE--

YOU'RE NOT GONNA LET YOURSELF
GET DISTRACTED BY THAT.

- NO, I WON'T.

- OKAY, GREAT.
- OKAY. COOL.

- LET'S DO IT.
- THANKS, NATHAN.

- THANKS, SIMON.

I TOLD SIMON
THAT I WANTED HIM

TO COVERTLY RESEARCH
A BUSINESS

I WAS PLANNING ON HELPING
FOR MY SHOW.

ALL RIGHT,
LET'S LOCK IT UP.

WHAT SIMON DIDN'T KNOW

IS THAT THIS WAS A TEST.

- OH, YOU OKAY?

- SORRY.
- I'M ALL RIGHT.

- I HAD A LOCAL
CONVENIENCE STORE OWNER

IN ON IT,
SO I COULD OBSERVE SIMON

AND SEE WHAT HE WOULD DO.

OBSERVE THE BUSINESS.

LOOK FOR ANY PROBLEMS
OR ANYTHING THAT YOU SEE.

- RIGHT.
- YOU GOT IT?

- I GOT IT.
- OKAY, THANK YOU.

SIMON THOUGHT I WAS JUST
DROPPING HIM OFF AND LEAVING,

BUT REALLY I HAD A PLAN
TO COVERTLY RE-ENTER THE STORE

AND WATCH MY TEST UNFOLD.

I NEVER REALLY USE IT

BECAUSE THE ARCADE
IS MORE COMFORTABLE,

BUT THIS CUSTOM-MADE
CIGAR STORE INDIAN

HAS A HOLLOWED-OUT INTERIOR

JUST BIG ENOUGH
TO FIT MY BODY.

AFTER 30 MINUTES
IN THE ARCADE,

HE SEEMED
TO BE DOING GREAT.

BUT I WANTED TO TEST
SIMON'S FOCUS

WITH A TRUE DISTRACTION:

A PAIR OF HIS COVETED
DOUBLE D's.

I COULDN'T BLAME SIMON
FOR TAKING A PEEK.

BUT I WAS PLEASED HE QUICKLY GOT
BACK TO HIS DUTIES

WITHOUT BLOWING HIS COVER
OR MASTURBATING.

BUT I HAD ONE MORE TEST
IN STORE.

I NEEDED TO KNOW THAT SIMON
WOULDN'T BLOW HIS COVER

EVEN IN THE FACE OF DEATH.

- I HAD ONE MORE TEST
OF SIMON'S LOYALTY,

A LIFE-OR-DEATH SCENARIO

PLANNED OUT
WITH A PROFESSIONAL ACTOR.

- THE LIBRARIAN'S QUEST?

I BEEN LOOKING
FOR ONE OF THOSE THINGS.

- OH, YOU HAVE?
- HOW MUCH YOU WANT FOR IT?

- WELL, COULD I HAVE IT?

YEAH?

YOU KNOW, IT'S A LITTLE BIG
FOR MY CAR,

SO I MIGHT HAVE TO CUT IT
IN HALF.

DO YOU HAPPEN TO HAVE
A SAW?

- THERE YOU GO.

YEAH.

THAT'LL WORK. THANKS.
- YOU'RE WELCOME.

- GEEZ.

TIME TO CUT THIS BABY
IN HALF.

- UH-HUH.

- THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU, DON.

- YEAH, MY PLEASURE, MAN.

- ALL RIGHT, THANKS.
ALL RIGHT, SIMON?

- YEAH.
- HOW YOU DOING IN THERE?

- I'M OKAY.
- ALL RIGHT.

THAT WAS A TEST,
AND YOU PASSED.

- OKAY.

- SIMON DID AMAZING.

ANY OTHER MAN
UNDER THAT CIRCUMSTANCE

WOULD'VE BLOWN HIS COVER.

YOU'RE PROBABLY NERVOUS
RIGHT NOW.

- OH.
- YOU PROBABLY NEED A HUG.

- YEAH.
- YOU OKAY?

- IT'S--IT WAS--
IT WAS A LITTLE--

IT WAS A LITTLE NERVE-WRACKING,
BUT YEAH, I'M OKAY.

- WELL, YOU DID GREAT, MAN.
- OKAY.

- CONGRATS.
- COOL. YEAH.

ALL RIGHT.

- I WAS TRULY IMPRESSED
BY SIMON,

AND IT FELT GOOD KNOWING
I HAD SOMEONE I COULD COUNT ON.

UNFORTUNATELY, I COULDN'T SAY
THE SAME FOR GLORIA,

AS SHE CHOSE NOT TO INCLUDE ME
IN HER WILL.

- BUT UNLIKE GLORIA,
I NEVER FORGET TO REWARD THOSE

THAT HELP ME OUT.

BECAUSE YOU WERE SO GREAT,

I HAVE A SURPRISE
FOR YOU.

- OH.
- YEAH.

- OKAY.

- I WANT TO INTRODUCE YOU
TO SOMEONE.

- OKAY.

- BUT YOU HAVE TO PROMISE ME

TO BE A GENTLEMAN.

- OKAY.
- OKAY?

- YES.

- TRISHA.

- HI.
- HI.

HOW ARE YOU?
- GOOD. GOOD.

- HI, NICE TO MEET YOU.

- NICE TO MEET YOU TOO.

- VERY NICE TO MEET YOU.

- YEAH.
- YEAH.

- WOW.

- HEY.

- OKAY.

- I WAS SO HAPPY
FOR SIMON.

BUT WHILE I WAS WATCHING HIM
CONNECT WITH TRISHA,

I COULDN'T HELP
BUT FEEL JEALOUS

BECAUSE I WANTED
THAT SAME CONNECTION

IN MY OWN LIFE.

OH, WELL.
MORE BUSINESSES NEXT WEEK.

- AB-SO-LUTELY.

- MOST OF THE GIRLS
I'VE BEEN WITH

HAVEN'T BEEN THAT--
THAT LARGE.

- HAVE YOU EVER TALKED

ABOUT ASKING THEM
TO GET IMPLANTS OR ANYTHING?

- IF WE WERE WATCHING TV
AND THERE WAS A TV COMMERCIAL,

LIKE, FOR--FOR IMPLANTS,
I WOULD SAY,

"HEY, LOOK AT THAT,"
YOU KNOW.

"THAT--THAT LOOKS PRETTY GOOD."

- AND DID THEY EVER DO IT?
- NO.