Nathan for You (2013–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Yogurt Shop/Pizzeria - full transcript

- I own a pizza place

Both: help me, nathan.

- My name is Nathan Fielder,

And I graduated from one
of Canada's top business schools

With really good grades.

Now, i'm using my knowledge

to help struggling
small business owners

Make it
in this competitive world.

This...

Is nathan for you.

Frozen yogurt is one of the most
popular treats in america,



Enjoyed by everyone
like asian women...

Or just a regular guy
in the neighborhood.

- Well,
I'm just a regular guy...

In the neighborhood here.

- But that popularity
doesn't mean much

If your yogurt shop is empty.

Nick Batista is the manager
of yogurt haven

In eagle rock, california.

And lately, he's been
in desperate need of customers.

- It would be a plus
if we got more traffic going.

- So I paid him a visit
with some advice

On how to help his business

Firstly, did you see someone
in here with a beard yesterday?

- I was actually not working
yesterday.



It was my day off.

- That was me.

- Okay.
- Yeah.

I came to scope it out.
- Oh, sweet.

- Yeah.
- Cool.

- My mission was to fill
yogurt haven with customers.

My plan... A crazy new flavor
that will get people talking.

That flavor is poo.

- [Snickering]

Is that serious?
- Yeah.

The media responds
to controversy.

We know that.

I feel like a poo yogurt flavor

might be a news story.

If people read the paper,

It could bring like...

Hundreds of thousands
of people in here maybe...

- Just to try that flavor?

- Yes

- Of poo.

- Yes.

I really needed
to sell my idea to Nick.

So the first step was to
actually create the new flavor.

I found a company online

that said they could custom-Make
any flavor.

- And after a week of waiting,
the flavor was ready.

So I went to the gold coast lab
in commerce, california

To pick it up.

- This is, uh...
This is what you requested.

We call it "artificial feces"
flavor emulsion.

Is there a real-
- There's no actual...

- It's completely edible.
- It... You could eat this.

- Right.

- But if you wanted
to dilute it...

- Mix it into yogurt.

- You could make yogurt.

- I didn't wanna be
the first to try it,

But I needed to know
if the taste was accurate.

So I conducted a taste test
with some strangers.

So i'd le everyone to try
the frozen yogurt

In front of you.

- Ugh.

Yuck.
- What does it taste like?

- It's not good.

- Peppermint.

- Peppermint?
- Kinda like licorice.

- Mm. It's got
some other familiar...

Flavors in there,
but I can't...

- What does this
taste like to you?

- Poo.
[Giggling]

I don't know.
- Really?

- Yeah, it does actually,

What I would think of, um...

- What we you basing that on?

- Um, clearly the look helps.
- Right.

- The color.
Uh...

Normal.
- 'Cause I was just...

It was amazing
how quick you got it.

So I was like,
oh, maybe she's liked it.

- No.
- 'Cause it's based on real poo.

- Never tried it.

- I mean, it's okay.
You can say if you have.

- I haven't.

- It's not... I mean...
- No, I promise.

- Genuinely,
it would help to know

If you actually have
and it does.

- .
No, I have not ever.

- Even by accident
you're telling me?

- Not by accident.
- It's okay.

- No.
- It's totally fine if you have.

- I have never tried it.

- People do weird things
all the time.

- I promise you.

- I was happy with the results.

And with the flavor
in good shape,

It was time to revisit nick
at yogurt haven.

- Um...
- Huh?

- I'm just gonna throw this...
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So what do you wanna do?

- Um...

We can give it a shot,

But I mean, it's not something
I would have out here for...

More than a day.

- We settled on
2 1/2 months to start.

And with Nick's permission,

We installed the new flavor.

Now I wanted to get
an article in the paper

and that meant
hiring a publicist.

And I got a meeting
with one of L.A.'S best,

Tyler barnett.

- I think if you really
are considering implementing

A [bleep]-Flavored ice cream,

You should reconsider
the entire campaign.

- So you disagree?

- Yeah,
I think it's a poor idea.

- If you heard that a frozen
yogurt shop in your neighborhood

Had a poo flavor, you're saying
you wouldn't go to check it out?

- No.

There are better ways
to get attention.

I can come up with five
off the top of my head.

- Okay, I'd like to hear one.

- Frozen-Yogurt-Eating
contest.

Invite kids
from all around the block

to come and have
a frozen-Yogurt-Eating contest.

- Okay, I would not go to that.
Next one.

- You know what you could do.

You could fill a bucket
full of [bleep] frozen yogurt

And put it on your head and
then stand outside of the store

With a sign that says

"I don't know
how to market a business"

And see if people come.

People could come with
little spoons and they could...

- When I first came today,

I had to go to the bathroom
and you lent me your keys.

- I did.

- I saw that
you drive a porsche.

I do.

- Um, don't they say
people that drive nice cars

Maybe have small penises?

- I think it's a known fact.

- Well, I assure you
that's not a known fact.

- How can you assure me?

- Do you... Have you seen
a lot of penises?

- Some.
- Some.

Since you're a penis expert,
i'm asking.

- I'm not a penis expert.
What are you talking about?

- You just said
that you're a penis expert.

- No, I said I've seen
a few penises.

- I think I haven't seen enough
penises... like you have to.

- I don't understand
the amount...

Seeing the amount of penises,

How that would have to do
with you having a small penis?

Unfortunately, Tyler didn't
wanna take me on as a client.

So I opted for
a more grassroots approach

To get the word out.

Yeah, mom?

Shoot.
Sorry.

Oh, my god.

Sorry, please... Oh.
- Oh, here.

- No, it okay.
- Here.

- No, sorry, my hands are full.

- Yeah, it's not a problem.

- I was just telling my mom
there's this frozen yogurt shop

That has this crazy flavor.
- Uh-Huh.

- It's like
a poo flavor yogurt.

- [Laughing]
- I was just telling her.

So I was dropping all my stuff.

You should check it out.
See ya.

My plan was working,

And people were flocking
to the store

To check out the new flavor.

So what flavors did you get?

- I got e vanilla,
the euro tart,

And the poo flavor.

- Oh, the poo.
That was my least favorite.

- It was a success.

And like I predicted,
the store was full.

And in the world of business,
that's all that matters.

But just when I thought
my job was done,

The next day I paid Nick a visit

With an even better idea.

I went for dinner last night
at a restaurant.

And while I was eating,
I saw some...

I think, like, rat poop
on the ground.

And I was so disgusted
I couldn't finish my meal.

So I was thinking,

I'm not sure
if it's a good idea

To have something poo-Related
in a place that serves food.

- That's what
I was trying to say...

From the very beginning.
- Right.

Anyways, I just wanted
to give you that advice.

So... you're welcome,
and...

- Thank you.
I mean...

- Take care.

I mean, if...

Yeah, if you wanna hang out
some time outside.

- Uh...
- I don't know.

It's fine.

Don't have to.
- Yeah, okay.

- I said the wrong thing
at the wrong time again

but I never really meant

Everybody talks
about the importance

Of a good college education.

But over the years,
i've discovered that being smart

Has very little to do
with success.

Confidence.

And if you don't believe me
i'll prove it.

I arranged a job interview
at a reputable law firm.

They allowed us to film
with our cameras,

But what they don't know

Is that every word I say
in the interview

Will be decided
by a seven-Year-Old boy.

This is amir,
and he loves the color orange.

- My favorite color is orange
because...

Because orange...
It could...

- So by only saying
what Amir tells me to say

Through this hidden earpiece,

Ostensibly giving me
the brain of a seven-Year-Old,

Can I land this high-Powered job
based on confidence alone?

Well, you're about to find out.

- What we actually do here
is we file a lot of documents

In the court, motions.

Why would you wanna work
in a law firm?

- Because it says
"no bad guys."

- Because it says
there's no bad guys.

- And so no bad guys
could come in that town.

- So no bad guys
could come in that town.

Um...

- What's the next question

- What's the next question?

- Okay.

What kind of experience
do you have in this field?

- What that means.
- What that means.

- Legal experience.

- Could we just not do
this question?

- Could we not do that question?

- Okay.

Do you know how to file
documents in the courts?

- Do you like skateboarding?
- You like skateboarding?

- No, I don't
like skateboarding,

But I asked you a question.

- Can we mon?

- Can we move on?

- Okay.

- It seemed like I was nailing it.

And at the end,
I asked Ms. Castanita

for an evaluation.

All right, so I know
that was a mock interview.

But if that was a real job,

Would you have hired me
based on what you saw?

- No.
- But maybe?

- No.

- But maybe though, right?

- Maybe.

- Wow. I just landed a job
at a law firm

Using the words
of a seven-Year-Old

By acting confident.

But what if,
instead of an innocent kid

It was a jerk who was
actually trying to sabotage me?

So I headed into
another job interview,

This time
at dilbeck real estate

With top agent west de young.

My friend john
has been instructed

To make it as hard as possible
for me to get the job.

So will my confidence
be enough to overcome that?

- Hi, i'm nathan.

- Hi, i'm nathan.
- West de young.

West. Like the direction.

- Ha ha.
- Ha ha.

- Nice to meet you.

- You can call me nathan,

Or you can call me
by my nickname, the "n" word.

- Well, you can call me nathan,

Or you can call me
by my nickname, the "n" word.

- [Laughing] okay.

So...
- So...

- So...
- What brings you here?

What's your interest
in coming in?

- Well, I like my jobs
like i like my women... Easy

- I like my jobs
like I like my women.

- And how is that?
- Easy.

- I like your dimples.

- But again,
so what's your vision?

- I like your dimples.
- Thank you.

So does my mother.
- Is she still alive?

- Is she still ave?
- Yes, she is.

- That's too bad.
- That's too bad.

- I mean my mother.
- My mother.

- She's dead.
- My mother, she's dead.

- And how did she pass away?

- In the war.
- In the war.

- In which war?

- The iraq war.
- Iraq.

- Okay.

So what branch of the serve
did she serve in?

- She fought for the iraqi army
under saddam hussein.

- She fought for... iraq.

- Against america.

- Against america.

- Okay.

- Yeah, so let me tell you
a little bit more about me.

- So, yes, let me tell you

A little bit more about me.

- Okay.

- Along with my interests
in real estate,

I also am a child molester.

Did you hear me?

I said I am also interested
in molesting children."

- Um...

- What I have is an inflation
that I can't control.

- No, i'm not saying that.

I said 98% of what john said.

But the real accomplishment

Was that
after the interview end...

So we've done a job interview.
- Sort of.

- West was still impressed
by my confidence

- Your confidence gave me...

A reason to think that it would
be worth chatting with you more.

- I was two for two.

But what you just saw is nothing

Compared to what's
coming up later.

- In the world of pizza,
delivery is king.

But don't just take
my word for it.

Tony a. Owns valley pizza land
in van nuys, california,

And he says that over 30%
of his business

Comes from delivery.

- As usual, I went by
the day before in my beard

To scope things out.

The next day, I met up with tony
without my beard.

- This is valley
valley's pizza lan

- Great.

- So we got hollywood Pizza land,

We got l.A. Pizza land.

- It should be...
There should be a "y" up here.

- Yeah, yeah.

- Tony explained to me
that the key to his business

Was his 35-Minute
delivery guarantee.

But I had an even better idea

That would blow his competition
out of the water.

You're gonna guarantee
8-Minute delivery

Or you get a free pizza.

- Yeah?
No, I don't think so.

- 'Cause why?

You can't deliver
in eight minutes, right?

- Of course not.

Even I can't cook the pizza
for eight minutes.

- That's the point.
- Yes.

- You'll always be late.

But the free pizza they get
will be an inch big.

- Oh, okay.

- The plan...
8-Minute delivery guarantee.

With this offer,

Tony will still get the money
from the original order,

And he'll only have to give away
a tiny pizza as the free one.

Don't be shy to tell me
it's a great idea.

To be honest, I love compliments.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

- I had some flyers done up
to advertise the new promotion.

- Ooh, very nice.

- "8 minute delivery
guaranteed."

So you're willing
to give it a try?

- Oh, yeah.
Yeah, we gonna try it. Yes.

- Okay.

And with Tony's approval,

We printed off hundreds of them

And had them delivered
to houses and apartments

All over the city.
[Phone ringing]

Pretty soon, the calls
were starting to come in,

And the staff was hard at work
putting my idea to the test.

But because this was going to be
a brand-New situation

For the delivery guy,

I wanted to prepare him for what
might happen at the front door.

- Angel.
- Angel? Your name?

- Yes.
- Why you have that name?

- Um, because my mother
gave it to me.

- Oh, okay.

So when you arrive
at the front door,

You're gonna be late.

And people are gonna be wanting
their free pizza.

So maybe let's just role play
what that might look like

So you know what to expect.

- Okay.
- Okay?

- Yes.

You would knock.
- Oh.

- Oh, hello.

- Hi, I have a delivery
for-From pizza land.

- Oh, yes, thank you.

Your... But your ad said
eight minutes or a free pizza."

And you were over 30 minutes.

- Here's your free pizza, sir.

- Hmm.

This is a lot smaller
than what I expect.

But technically,

You didn't specify the size
of the free pizza.

So this is fair.
Thank you very much.

So that's probably
how it will go.

And you still need to
charge them for the big pizza.

- Yeah.

- With adequate training
and a backlog of orders,

What are your... What is
your, like, ultimate goal?

- To be an artist, a singer.

- Singer?
- Yeah.

And the home

of the brave

Yeah, I kinda tweaked it
a little bit,

Made it my own.

- Yeah, that's... great.

- Hi, my name is angel.

Uh, I got an order of a large
cheese and pepperoni pizza.

- Yeah.

- Here.

- Your free pizza.

- No, sir.

Are you kidding me?

This is the free pizza?

[Laughing]

- "Guaranteed free pizza."

- It doesn't specifically say
what size of pizza it is.

Doesn't anybody
say anything to you?

That's, like, ridiculous.

- That's okay.
Have a good day.

- Along with the $14.26.

- Take your $14.26
and tell your boss

To [bleep] 'fess up
and do the right thing.

'Cause that's not right.

That's a piece of...
That's garbage.

I want nothing from you.
Thanks, man.

Be good.
Hey...

Be careful driving.

- All right.
Thanks.

He didn't accept the pizza.
- He didn't take it?

- At all.
- Did he pay?

- No. He wouldn't take it,
he wouldn't pay for it.

He wouldn't...
He doesn't wanna see me.

- Here, gimme your shirt.

Gimme your shirt.
I'm gonna go in.

"8 minute delivery guaranteed
or a free pizza."

It doesn't say
the size of the pizza.

- You know what?

Take your self and your pizza...
- We're following...

- You're... And i'm following
my rules.

[Bleep] you!
That's my rules.

I ain't paying [eep].

Ta your pizza
and stick it up your ass.

I don't wanna see it,
I don't wanna hear about it.

- You don't have to be rude.
- Go away.

- Why do you have nail polish
on your thumb?

- 'Cause i'm gay.
You got a problem with that?

Bite it.

- So how did it go?

- He wouldn't pay.
What should we do?

- When they have a great guy,

I don't know why
they don't just stay with him.

Basically, they want the guys
who treat them horrible.

- Nice guys like us
are left behind.

- Yeah.
They say nice guys finish last.

- At least we got our pizza.

- Yes, I do love pizza.

- Two weeks after implementing
the delivery guarantee,

I nt back to valley pizza land

To see how things were going.

- So eight minutes
is not enough for us.

The pizza is not ready,
and we're late,

And we give out this tiny pizza
for our customers.

- I have a parting gift for you.
- Okay.

- Here's a bunch of ys.
- Okay.

- So if it falls, you know,.

- All right.
- Thank you, tony.

- Thank you.

- Best of luck
with your business.

So far tonight,
you've seen me land jobs

Using the words
of amir and john.

But what if I did
my confidence experiment

With someone who had no chance
of ever getting hired?

Like ted.
He's a turtle.

Again, only use ted's words,

Can I impress executive
ash hamid enough

With my confidence
to hire me at his company?

- Hi. Ash.

What's your name?

I'm ash hamid.
Nice to meet you.

Um, do you need someone
with sign language?

Well, I always work for myself.

- Once he started talking,
I knew I was in control.

And after wards,

I showed him who he'd really
been interviewing.

This is who you just hired.

And that's the power
of confidence.

- I would love to be included
in your will.

Double "D" breasts
are essential for you?

- It's gotta be substantial.