Nathan Barley (2005): Season 1, Episode 3 - Episode #1.3 - full transcript
(man) Place. A farm for idea,
(man) Place. A farm for idea,
through the vision of Doug Rocket.
The guiding genius of the Veryphonics.
♪ Flesh police
- ♪ Illegal
- ♪ 0fficer
♪ Whoa, whoa
The ground-breaking
collaborator with natives.
Rocket consistently redefines "think".
Enter Place. Be enabled.
Place is creativilisation.
♪ Fuckin' up, fuckin' up the odds
♪ Fuckin' up the odds
♪ Fuckin' up the odds
♪ Fuckin' up the odds
♪ Fuckin' up the odds
♪ Motherfucker
Toby, you rim-licker.
How's it fucking collapsing?
Yeah, like a...
Listen, I've been thinking about Claire.
- Did you clean up afterwards?
- No, listen.
Doug Rocket's offering
a film grant worth £20,000.
- 20 Kubricks?
- He's opening it today,
but he's forgotten to publicise it,
so I thought I'd tell Claire.
She'll get the grant, and I'll
be on for some filthy squeezing.
Yeah...
- So, have you got her number?
- Yep. I'll text it over.
Brilliant.
- (♪ Techno)
- (Phone rings)
- Hello.
- Clairebabes.
- All right, Nathan.
- How are you, doll snatch?
Knackered.
I don't want to cheer
you up, but I've got
something that I think
might cheer you up.
Place are offering a 20K
grant for filmmakers.
- 20 grand?
- (Squeaky voice) Yes! More!
- Jones!
- What?
- Please.
- They want more. They're going mental.
- Sorry, Nathan.
- Yes, 0K.
- 20 grand, yeah?
- Yep.
- Thanks, Nathan.
- It's no skin off my bum.
- Bye, then.
- Futures, monkey muff.
Bye.
(Dan, mockingly) Bye, Nathan. Bye-bye.
Bye-bye, Nathan.
He's just told me how
to get a film grant.
- Have you got the money for my camera?
- What?
My camera?
I'll get some extra
work at the magazine.
0h, yeah?
I will.
(yawns)
So...
- Any fucking suggestions?
- Yeah.
- What are we doing on this?
- 15Peter20.
- (Rufus) 0h, yeah. The piss photos.
- Yeah, the photos of people pissing.
Cold.
McClaren's doing a big
blurgh on it, et cetera.
0h, but he's ill. He's got ill.
(Rufus) Yeah, he swallowed a spike.
- He got ill cos he swallowed a spike.
- He got massively ill.
I'll do it.
- 2,000 words, normal rate?
- Yeah.
- Cash?
- Nice one, Danbo.
Hey, Ashcroft.
- Rapido.
- Rapidophile.
Actually, I think we should
probably make this the cover feature.
It's pretty, you know, meow.
- Hi, Toby.
- 0h, Claire. Hello.
Has your telephone
number got an h in it?
No.
- Where's Doug Rocket's office?
- There, next to the laptop exhibition.
- Claire, there's this film grant.
- Yeah, I know.
0h.
(monkey noises)
Come in.
(monkey noises)
Hello.
This is my ape hour.
Sit down and watch the video.
I won't be long.
Would you move off there, please?
That's my high rock.
Sorry.
(monkey noises)
0hh!
Do you know, I've had
an ape hour every day
since watching this
thing on Discovery.
- It was about apes.
- Right. Yeah.
So, what are you for?
- I've come about the film grant.
- 0h, yes?
I've had this idea about London.
Under the surface there's a lot wrong.
It's called London Undone and Done In.
Ah, yes.
Prostitutes. Some of them are awful.
And the homeless.
What's that all about?
0ne minute.
Robin.
Business manager. Sits in his
office all day looking at charts.
He'll sort out the paperwork,
and Bob's your film.
- You're giving me the grant?
- 0h, yes.
- Thank you.
- Ah, Robin.
Michelle gets the £20,000.
Um...
Yes. Um...
It's... We can't...
It is £20,000,
but it's divided among...
40 filmmakers,
so the individual grant is £500.
Maths.
0K?
I guess.
It's not...
It's not gonna be enough for the film.
And that includes a free training course
to help you get started with your film.
Training?
It's a project in the form
of a documentary about Place.
0ur official opening is
in six months' time, so
you'll be interviewing
Doug every day till then.
Hello.
Right.
(man) You know this, do you,
that when you urinate,
you're actually a lot more relaxed
than when you're asleep?
So, actually, my pictures here
are the most revealing
portrait photos ever taken.
- As well as being very naughty.
- (Laughter)
- (woman) I think you're a genius.
- Sorry? I didn't hear that.
- I think you're a genius.
- 0h, stop it.
Which publication are you from?
- Sugar Ape.
- 0h, Rape? Excellent. Yeah.
Sugar Ape.
Come and speak to 15Peter.
He's dying to meet you.
- 15Peter, this is...
- Hey, I know you. The preacher man.
I so wanted you to be in one of these.
I was telling this lot
that we knew Kylie's
piss was real cos her hot
pants smelt of beans.
- Great. Can I have that?
- No.
Don't worry. I'm going to
give you everything you need.
Hi, ho, hi. I'm 15Peter20.
And I believe that pissing
is like crying through your genitals.
I was born in 1980
and I got my first camera in 1986.
I mostly like to work in digital,
but I also love film.
Claire.
- Claire, I made you a coffee.
- All right, you zips.
- 0w!
- Whoa.
- Boiling. Coffee. Boiling hot.
- Well, pour cold milk on it.
- Quick, it'll blister.
- Get off!
What are you doing?
That is well bum.
Sorry, Claire.
It looks really funny. Look.
- Right. I'm just a bit fucked to laugh.
- Yeah, I know.
You're in trouble.
Can't you see she's too fucked to laugh?
You cunt!
I'll get you a replacement top.
Trashbat T-shirt, yeah?
- How did it go with Rocket?
- The bloke's a candle.
I've got to film that bullshit
for the next six months.
- Got the job, then?
- No. They gave me £500.
They said the rest is training.
- What's the? How are you?
- (Phone beeps)
Ah.
- Piss off.
- What?
Dan. Says he can get me £1,000 in cash.
Maybe he's...
- Maybe he is.
- Yeah, right.
I heard he got a big
feature job at Sugar Ape.
Really?
I've still got to get a film grant.
I haven't
slept for five days. My back's gone...
Let it go, yeah.
Let it go.
That's tense.
That's... 0h, just follow that tension.
Around.
And forward.
Squashy.
- Squashy tension.
- Uh...
Thanks.
I think you need to get very pissed.
- I can't. I'm skint.
- My treat, yeah?
Four rounds at the
Nailgun and then dinner.
What? Like a date?
I can invite Pingu.
He was watching the back of your tits
when you got changed, though.
(Dan) 15Peter20 is a tadpole.
Give him a punch in the cock from me.
Then burn down his gallery and blow
the ashes up his arse with a trumpet.
Ha.
You know it's a cover feature?
- No.
- Yeah.
We think he's a genius.
- No, we don't.
- Yeah, we do.
But he's a bibble.
Shall I ask Jonatton to do it?
No.
I need the money.
Your choice for Regime.
- So, what do I?
- You do this.
Place your finger here.
Analyses the mineral balance.
Tells you what you should eat.
Reindeer sausage and pumpkin puree.
Bangers and mash. Bum.
Good.
And teriyaki meat salad.
Um... It's just, I don't eat meat.
- It's what your finger's chosen.
- 0verride the finger, yeah?
We don't usually
contradict the tablet.
Greek salad?
Greek salad, please.
- Have you seen the prices?
- It's on me, babe.
You already bought
my drinks in the pub.
Uhhuh.
- And Dan's gonna give me some money.
- That's for your camera.
- You're being too nice.
- I know.
So, at the moment of release,
my subjects are truly vulnerable.
Now I'm vulnerable.
And now I'm not vulnerable.
And now I'm vulnerable.
And now I'm not vulnerable.
And now I'm vulnerable. And now...
Am I going to have to write it myself,
Dan, and not pay you any money?
Your beer.
What the fuck is that?
It's a beer gourd, actually.
Part of the analogue brewing process.
Helps to maintain flavours and acidity.
This place is really
well-known for them.
If you didn't know that.
Thanks.
It's fine.
Just enjoy your meal.
Wanker.
(phone rings)
It's Dan.
There's a no-phone
policy here, actually.
- I'll be quick.
- You should have turned it off, really.
- Hello.
- Hi.
- I can't get your money.
- Why am I not surprised?
They want me to write that this
bloke's a genius, but he's an idiot.
Can't you take a deep breath?
- But he's an idiot.
- A deep breath for my fucking money.
- But he is an idiot.
- 0h, for fuck's sake.
Could you moderate the language? Some of
us are trying to commune in pleasancy.
Sorry.
Right.
Hey, Claire. Claire. Look.
(mouths)
What?
Stop it. You're going
to get us thrown out.
- A problem, sir?
- Yes, there is, actually.
- These people upset my friend.
- It's fine.
No, it's not, actually.
Could you ask them to leave, please?
That woman's wearing a
very offensive shirt.
Could you turn that off, please, sir?
- What?
- Turn it off, please.
Excuse me. Could you ask
these people to leave?
(mimics) Excuse me,
could you ask these people to leave?
Yeah, well, we're going anyway.
This place is shit.
Feel sorry for you.
Finger slaves, yeah?
What's that? That looks like it's come
out of a hospital bin, yeah?
Yeah? Yeah?
Whoo-ooo!
(man on TV) Do something with your eyes.
Go senseless for your Uncle Rod. Go on.
Yes. Look what you've done to me.
0h! Look what you have done to me.
0hh! Ahh!
(door opens)
- Caught you.
- No.
- Daylight Roddery?
- Did he have it out?
No. No, I wasn't, all right?
Hey, Toby. Give us a tenner
and I'll pole dance you off.
No?
In fact, I'm about
to pop my crack out.
Are you?
- I'm busting for a piss.
- 0h.
- Where's the bathroom?
- Through there.
Ah.
Hey, mate. Can you, uh, leave us alone?
I'm going to make a move.
When a girl says a word like "piss",
it means she wants jiggy beast.
- How does that work?
- It's a rude word.
Yeah? It means that she's easing up.
- Toby.
- I'm saving you embarrassment.
You don't wanna sit
there like a lemon.
We'll see.
Yes, we will.
- We shall.
- (Toilet flushes)
Ah.
Ah.
Sounded good.
Strong, healthy jet.
Well, my bedroom is, uh, through there.
Give me five minutes,
and I shall slip into my pyjamas.
- And I'll be through in a minute.
- See?
Do you mind if I crash here?
Not at all.
- Have you got a spare blanket?
- Have my room.
- Don't be daft. I'll be fine.
- I'll sleep here.
Are you sure?
There's a spare toothbrush
in the cupboard.
Thanks, Nathan.
Night, then.
Sleep well, Claire.
(man on TV) Yeah, yeah.
Do you like that?
Yeah. Do you want me?
Do you want a treat?
Do you want a treat in the face?
Yeah? Yeah?
Shut your eyes, then,
so you're not scared.
0hh!
Ahh!
0pen your eyes.
Do you think that was me? That's not me.
Cos...
This is me.
Fucking you hard in the arse.
- Come in.
- Mind if I, uh?
- Just left a couple of CDs.
- 0h, sure.
Just need to get them from...
To go under here...
All the way over here.
Got 'em now.
So you're going to take them
back through there, then?
Unless you wanna listen to one now.
0K.
(♪ "African Culture" by Black Uhuru)
Jiggy mode, yeah?
Were you gonna kiss me out there?
The plan was to kiss you in here.
Mm.
(rapping) Kissing the neck.
Kissing the neck.
Taking the lips down to the nips.
0h, yeah.
Gonna head down south.
South with me mouth.
Uh, Nathan.
Coming up for air
and me mouth say "yeah?"
Can you not rap?
Sure. Yeah. Lose the frown.
I'm going all the way down.
Mm.
Soon I'll be showing you my "0" face.
Soon I'll be showing you my "0" face.
I don't think...
I've got a strong hunch
you prefer a big munch.
Look, Nathan.
I'm actually really tired.
You drift off, I'll have a scoff.
No. I really need to sleep.
Really?
Yeah.
0h, shall I turn the music?
Good. Yeah.
0h, I am tired.
Yeah, let's just... let's just sleep.
0hh!
That's actually quite uncomfortable.
Night.
- Wicked night.
- Yeah.
And I don't mind that
we didn't go all the way,
cos it's bound to happen someday.
Best not to rush it.
Actually, Nathan, it
won't happen again.
Well...
- It's not a good idea.
- 0h, no. It is.
Cos, like, we share an office,
and otherwise, I'd just be
sitting there the whole time thinking,
"I can't wait to see her tits."
And now, I've seen your tits.
Yeah.
And your excellent muff.
- No, you haven't.
- Top half.
- Morning, Toby.
- Top half of what?
Nothing.
Claire, did you do me in my sleep?
- No.
- 0h, I could have sworn that...
- I'll see you later.
- Yeah.
- Nathan.
- Course, yeah.
Bye.
Last night.
Fucked her in the arse.
Kicked the brown door in.
Painted it white on the way out.
- Hi.
- You all right, Dan?
Yes. Where did you stay last night?
Nathan's.
- I'll see you later.
- Yeah.
- (man) Hello.
- 0h. 0h!
Dan Ashcroft!
Morning.
- Dan.
- Hey, Ashcroft.
Piece on 15Peter. Wise opinions.
You're right, man.
20's a genius, yeah.
- My article?
- Yeah, man.
You put my name on it.
0h, yeah.
Why not yours? You wrote it.
Well, he's shit, isn't he?
- All right, Toby?
- I'm a bit cross with you, actually.
With me? Why?
I was waiting for you
all night in my pyjamas.
You went and let Nathan
do a fuck in your arse.
Visiontext Subtitles: Simon Campbell
(man) Place. A farm for idea,
through the vision of Doug Rocket.
The guiding genius of the Veryphonics.
♪ Flesh police
- ♪ Illegal
- ♪ 0fficer
♪ Whoa, whoa
The ground-breaking
collaborator with natives.
Rocket consistently redefines "think".
Enter Place. Be enabled.
Place is creativilisation.
♪ Fuckin' up, fuckin' up the odds
♪ Fuckin' up the odds
♪ Fuckin' up the odds
♪ Fuckin' up the odds
♪ Fuckin' up the odds
♪ Motherfucker
Toby, you rim-licker.
How's it fucking collapsing?
Yeah, like a...
Listen, I've been thinking about Claire.
- Did you clean up afterwards?
- No, listen.
Doug Rocket's offering
a film grant worth £20,000.
- 20 Kubricks?
- He's opening it today,
but he's forgotten to publicise it,
so I thought I'd tell Claire.
She'll get the grant, and I'll
be on for some filthy squeezing.
Yeah...
- So, have you got her number?
- Yep. I'll text it over.
Brilliant.
- (♪ Techno)
- (Phone rings)
- Hello.
- Clairebabes.
- All right, Nathan.
- How are you, doll snatch?
Knackered.
I don't want to cheer
you up, but I've got
something that I think
might cheer you up.
Place are offering a 20K
grant for filmmakers.
- 20 grand?
- (Squeaky voice) Yes! More!
- Jones!
- What?
- Please.
- They want more. They're going mental.
- Sorry, Nathan.
- Yes, 0K.
- 20 grand, yeah?
- Yep.
- Thanks, Nathan.
- It's no skin off my bum.
- Bye, then.
- Futures, monkey muff.
Bye.
(Dan, mockingly) Bye, Nathan. Bye-bye.
Bye-bye, Nathan.
He's just told me how
to get a film grant.
- Have you got the money for my camera?
- What?
My camera?
I'll get some extra
work at the magazine.
0h, yeah?
I will.
(yawns)
So...
- Any fucking suggestions?
- Yeah.
- What are we doing on this?
- 15Peter20.
- (Rufus) 0h, yeah. The piss photos.
- Yeah, the photos of people pissing.
Cold.
McClaren's doing a big
blurgh on it, et cetera.
0h, but he's ill. He's got ill.
(Rufus) Yeah, he swallowed a spike.
- He got ill cos he swallowed a spike.
- He got massively ill.
I'll do it.
- 2,000 words, normal rate?
- Yeah.
- Cash?
- Nice one, Danbo.
Hey, Ashcroft.
- Rapido.
- Rapidophile.
Actually, I think we should
probably make this the cover feature.
It's pretty, you know, meow.
- Hi, Toby.
- 0h, Claire. Hello.
Has your telephone
number got an h in it?
No.
- Where's Doug Rocket's office?
- There, next to the laptop exhibition.
- Claire, there's this film grant.
- Yeah, I know.
0h.
(monkey noises)
Come in.
(monkey noises)
Hello.
This is my ape hour.
Sit down and watch the video.
I won't be long.
Would you move off there, please?
That's my high rock.
Sorry.
(monkey noises)
0hh!
Do you know, I've had
an ape hour every day
since watching this
thing on Discovery.
- It was about apes.
- Right. Yeah.
So, what are you for?
- I've come about the film grant.
- 0h, yes?
I've had this idea about London.
Under the surface there's a lot wrong.
It's called London Undone and Done In.
Ah, yes.
Prostitutes. Some of them are awful.
And the homeless.
What's that all about?
0ne minute.
Robin.
Business manager. Sits in his
office all day looking at charts.
He'll sort out the paperwork,
and Bob's your film.
- You're giving me the grant?
- 0h, yes.
- Thank you.
- Ah, Robin.
Michelle gets the £20,000.
Um...
Yes. Um...
It's... We can't...
It is £20,000,
but it's divided among...
40 filmmakers,
so the individual grant is £500.
Maths.
0K?
I guess.
It's not...
It's not gonna be enough for the film.
And that includes a free training course
to help you get started with your film.
Training?
It's a project in the form
of a documentary about Place.
0ur official opening is
in six months' time, so
you'll be interviewing
Doug every day till then.
Hello.
Right.
(man) You know this, do you,
that when you urinate,
you're actually a lot more relaxed
than when you're asleep?
So, actually, my pictures here
are the most revealing
portrait photos ever taken.
- As well as being very naughty.
- (Laughter)
- (woman) I think you're a genius.
- Sorry? I didn't hear that.
- I think you're a genius.
- 0h, stop it.
Which publication are you from?
- Sugar Ape.
- 0h, Rape? Excellent. Yeah.
Sugar Ape.
Come and speak to 15Peter.
He's dying to meet you.
- 15Peter, this is...
- Hey, I know you. The preacher man.
I so wanted you to be in one of these.
I was telling this lot
that we knew Kylie's
piss was real cos her hot
pants smelt of beans.
- Great. Can I have that?
- No.
Don't worry. I'm going to
give you everything you need.
Hi, ho, hi. I'm 15Peter20.
And I believe that pissing
is like crying through your genitals.
I was born in 1980
and I got my first camera in 1986.
I mostly like to work in digital,
but I also love film.
Claire.
- Claire, I made you a coffee.
- All right, you zips.
- 0w!
- Whoa.
- Boiling. Coffee. Boiling hot.
- Well, pour cold milk on it.
- Quick, it'll blister.
- Get off!
What are you doing?
That is well bum.
Sorry, Claire.
It looks really funny. Look.
- Right. I'm just a bit fucked to laugh.
- Yeah, I know.
You're in trouble.
Can't you see she's too fucked to laugh?
You cunt!
I'll get you a replacement top.
Trashbat T-shirt, yeah?
- How did it go with Rocket?
- The bloke's a candle.
I've got to film that bullshit
for the next six months.
- Got the job, then?
- No. They gave me £500.
They said the rest is training.
- What's the? How are you?
- (Phone beeps)
Ah.
- Piss off.
- What?
Dan. Says he can get me £1,000 in cash.
Maybe he's...
- Maybe he is.
- Yeah, right.
I heard he got a big
feature job at Sugar Ape.
Really?
I've still got to get a film grant.
I haven't
slept for five days. My back's gone...
Let it go, yeah.
Let it go.
That's tense.
That's... 0h, just follow that tension.
Around.
And forward.
Squashy.
- Squashy tension.
- Uh...
Thanks.
I think you need to get very pissed.
- I can't. I'm skint.
- My treat, yeah?
Four rounds at the
Nailgun and then dinner.
What? Like a date?
I can invite Pingu.
He was watching the back of your tits
when you got changed, though.
(Dan) 15Peter20 is a tadpole.
Give him a punch in the cock from me.
Then burn down his gallery and blow
the ashes up his arse with a trumpet.
Ha.
You know it's a cover feature?
- No.
- Yeah.
We think he's a genius.
- No, we don't.
- Yeah, we do.
But he's a bibble.
Shall I ask Jonatton to do it?
No.
I need the money.
Your choice for Regime.
- So, what do I?
- You do this.
Place your finger here.
Analyses the mineral balance.
Tells you what you should eat.
Reindeer sausage and pumpkin puree.
Bangers and mash. Bum.
Good.
And teriyaki meat salad.
Um... It's just, I don't eat meat.
- It's what your finger's chosen.
- 0verride the finger, yeah?
We don't usually
contradict the tablet.
Greek salad?
Greek salad, please.
- Have you seen the prices?
- It's on me, babe.
You already bought
my drinks in the pub.
Uhhuh.
- And Dan's gonna give me some money.
- That's for your camera.
- You're being too nice.
- I know.
So, at the moment of release,
my subjects are truly vulnerable.
Now I'm vulnerable.
And now I'm not vulnerable.
And now I'm vulnerable.
And now I'm not vulnerable.
And now I'm vulnerable. And now...
Am I going to have to write it myself,
Dan, and not pay you any money?
Your beer.
What the fuck is that?
It's a beer gourd, actually.
Part of the analogue brewing process.
Helps to maintain flavours and acidity.
This place is really
well-known for them.
If you didn't know that.
Thanks.
It's fine.
Just enjoy your meal.
Wanker.
(phone rings)
It's Dan.
There's a no-phone
policy here, actually.
- I'll be quick.
- You should have turned it off, really.
- Hello.
- Hi.
- I can't get your money.
- Why am I not surprised?
They want me to write that this
bloke's a genius, but he's an idiot.
Can't you take a deep breath?
- But he's an idiot.
- A deep breath for my fucking money.
- But he is an idiot.
- 0h, for fuck's sake.
Could you moderate the language? Some of
us are trying to commune in pleasancy.
Sorry.
Right.
Hey, Claire. Claire. Look.
(mouths)
What?
Stop it. You're going
to get us thrown out.
- A problem, sir?
- Yes, there is, actually.
- These people upset my friend.
- It's fine.
No, it's not, actually.
Could you ask them to leave, please?
That woman's wearing a
very offensive shirt.
Could you turn that off, please, sir?
- What?
- Turn it off, please.
Excuse me. Could you ask
these people to leave?
(mimics) Excuse me,
could you ask these people to leave?
Yeah, well, we're going anyway.
This place is shit.
Feel sorry for you.
Finger slaves, yeah?
What's that? That looks like it's come
out of a hospital bin, yeah?
Yeah? Yeah?
Whoo-ooo!
(man on TV) Do something with your eyes.
Go senseless for your Uncle Rod. Go on.
Yes. Look what you've done to me.
0h! Look what you have done to me.
0hh! Ahh!
(door opens)
- Caught you.
- No.
- Daylight Roddery?
- Did he have it out?
No. No, I wasn't, all right?
Hey, Toby. Give us a tenner
and I'll pole dance you off.
No?
In fact, I'm about
to pop my crack out.
Are you?
- I'm busting for a piss.
- 0h.
- Where's the bathroom?
- Through there.
Ah.
Hey, mate. Can you, uh, leave us alone?
I'm going to make a move.
When a girl says a word like "piss",
it means she wants jiggy beast.
- How does that work?
- It's a rude word.
Yeah? It means that she's easing up.
- Toby.
- I'm saving you embarrassment.
You don't wanna sit
there like a lemon.
We'll see.
Yes, we will.
- We shall.
- (Toilet flushes)
Ah.
Ah.
Sounded good.
Strong, healthy jet.
Well, my bedroom is, uh, through there.
Give me five minutes,
and I shall slip into my pyjamas.
- And I'll be through in a minute.
- See?
Do you mind if I crash here?
Not at all.
- Have you got a spare blanket?
- Have my room.
- Don't be daft. I'll be fine.
- I'll sleep here.
Are you sure?
There's a spare toothbrush
in the cupboard.
Thanks, Nathan.
Night, then.
Sleep well, Claire.
(man on TV) Yeah, yeah.
Do you like that?
Yeah. Do you want me?
Do you want a treat?
Do you want a treat in the face?
Yeah? Yeah?
Shut your eyes, then,
so you're not scared.
0hh!
Ahh!
0pen your eyes.
Do you think that was me? That's not me.
Cos...
This is me.
Fucking you hard in the arse.
- Come in.
- Mind if I, uh?
- Just left a couple of CDs.
- 0h, sure.
Just need to get them from...
To go under here...
All the way over here.
Got 'em now.
So you're going to take them
back through there, then?
Unless you wanna listen to one now.
0K.
(♪ "African Culture" by Black Uhuru)
Jiggy mode, yeah?
Were you gonna kiss me out there?
The plan was to kiss you in here.
Mm.
(rapping) Kissing the neck.
Kissing the neck.
Taking the lips down to the nips.
0h, yeah.
Gonna head down south.
South with me mouth.
Uh, Nathan.
Coming up for air
and me mouth say "yeah?"
Can you not rap?
Sure. Yeah. Lose the frown.
I'm going all the way down.
Mm.
Soon I'll be showing you my "0" face.
Soon I'll be showing you my "0" face.
I don't think...
I've got a strong hunch
you prefer a big munch.
Look, Nathan.
I'm actually really tired.
You drift off, I'll have a scoff.
No. I really need to sleep.
Really?
Yeah.
0h, shall I turn the music?
Good. Yeah.
0h, I am tired.
Yeah, let's just... let's just sleep.
0hh!
That's actually quite uncomfortable.
Night.
- Wicked night.
- Yeah.
And I don't mind that
we didn't go all the way,
cos it's bound to happen someday.
Best not to rush it.
Actually, Nathan, it
won't happen again.
Well...
- It's not a good idea.
- 0h, no. It is.
Cos, like, we share an office,
and otherwise, I'd just be
sitting there the whole time thinking,
"I can't wait to see her tits."
And now, I've seen your tits.
Yeah.
And your excellent muff.
- No, you haven't.
- Top half.
- Morning, Toby.
- Top half of what?
Nothing.
Claire, did you do me in my sleep?
- No.
- 0h, I could have sworn that...
- I'll see you later.
- Yeah.
- Nathan.
- Course, yeah.
Bye.
Last night.
Fucked her in the arse.
Kicked the brown door in.
Painted it white on the way out.
- Hi.
- You all right, Dan?
Yes. Where did you stay last night?
Nathan's.
- I'll see you later.
- Yeah.
- (man) Hello.
- 0h. 0h!
Dan Ashcroft!
Morning.
- Dan.
- Hey, Ashcroft.
Piece on 15Peter. Wise opinions.
You're right, man.
20's a genius, yeah.
- My article?
- Yeah, man.
You put my name on it.
0h, yeah.
Why not yours? You wrote it.
Well, he's shit, isn't he?
- All right, Toby?
- I'm a bit cross with you, actually.
With me? Why?
I was waiting for you
all night in my pyjamas.
You went and let Nathan
do a fuck in your arse.
Visiontext Subtitles: Simon Campbell