Nathan Barley (2005): Season 1, Episode 2 - Episode #1.2 - full transcript
Goo-goo.
Goo-goo.
Goo-goo.
Night, Toby.
Night, Toby.
Hm?
You didn't say "good night".
- I was asleep.
- I know.
Sleep well!
Classic.
(techno music pounding)
All right, Claire?
This one's really working.
Best bit's in about an hour and a half.
(music stops)
(alarm)
Trashbat party, yeah?
You can come.
You can come, right?
You can come. Get startled, yeah?
You can come.
You can come twice.
You can come multiple times.
- Yeah?
- (♪ "Theme from The Prisoner" ringtone)
Barley UK?
Toby!
Check this out,
you bleeding fucking bum wart.
"A night down the pub with your mates
and it's fucking mental."
"A move from the pub to the club
for some awesome sounds."
Yeah?
- (man) Who's that?
- Nancy Spungen.
Dan Ashcroft. Ashcroft,
Ashcroft, Ashcroft.
(Buzzer)
(♪ "Shine A Little Love" by EL0)
Hey, Dan, we got
something for you, mate.
Yeah, very... very funny.
- We put your head on a preacher's body.
- Yeah, you're the preacher man.
Yeah, look, yeah?
You've slaughtered the pig of ignorance.
Cos we checked pigs
and they've got absolutely no idea.
Pigs are saddos, yeah?
Pigs are actually quite intelligent.
We could change it to a hen.
They're well dense.
- You know about hens?
- What is this for?
The magazine.
The picture goes next to your column.
Yeah, yeah. Like, we've, er, like,
mocked up a preacher man cover.
Like, Jonatton just said...
Yo, Danbo.
- Here, what's this?
- Shit, or something.
So we're not running it?
- Unless we are.
- Yeah, but it's just... stupid.
Stupid people think it's cool,
smart people think it's a joke.
Also cool.
- But...
- Max at The Weekend on Sunday agrees.
- So you spoke to him?
- I'd debate the tits off this,
but I've got an 11:07.
- Yeah, well, it's 10:30, so...
- Yeah.
And one of them.
Preacher man costume's there.
Wear it out in mong land.
You've gone to piddle.
(knocking)
Hang on.
- Dan Ashcroft?
- Erm, he's left already.
Don Gibbard, Gedge and Co.
Can I come in?
Erm, yeah.
- What's this about?
- He owes Phatscreen Video £2,492.
- What?
- Yeah, he's...
He's had Pete's Dragon out
for seven years.
- Is this his?
- No, that's mine.
- Are you his wife?
- No. Sister.
- Claire?
- Yeah.
- Good, cos it's in your name, too.
- But that's my camera.
There's the sig, love.
But I didn't sign that.
You pay us the money,
you get your camera back.
Dan!
So?
What are you going to do about it?
I'm gonna tell him not to run it.
My camera, Dan, not your stupid comic.
Look at it.
I look an idiot.
It was worth two grand.
You faked my signature.
- I'll pay for a new one.
- What with?
- Some pounds.
- You haven't even said sorry.
- (Nathan) Trashbat party, yeah?
- 0h, fuck off.
Trashbat party, yeah?
Dan. Clairebabes.
Whoa-ho! Well cheeks, man.
Well cheeks.
It's exactly what you
are - the preacher man.
In nomine thingummy.
Trashbat party this Friday, yeah?
It's gonna be well Jackson.
Fuck you later, Preach.
Hey! Could you come to the party on
Friday in your preacher man gear?
- Could you?
- No.
- Course he can. He's just messing.
- Shut up.
- Shut up, fat arms.
- He'd love to.
Fucking A-hole.
I'll put you on the flyer, Preach.
- Preacher man.
- (Door opens and closes)
You'll do it, Dan.
- Not if I get you the money.
- Yeah, right. So you'll do it.
- Is that your film?
- Reformed junkies.
- Junkie choir, yeah?
- Yeah.
Bum.
I'm going to sing you a song.
It's called "890 days of Slavery".
(♪ Mandolin)
- Yeah, let's get into this.
- ♪ I didn't even know my place
♪ But I aimed too high
and I went over the line
♪ I started punching myself
in the very same place
♪ The face
♪ Yeah,
I started punching myself in the face
Aaargh!
Do it with me.
Aaargh!
Go on. Aaargh!
- That is... that's...
- So sad.
Yeah. It's amazing.
Hey, we should mix
some beats with this.
Project it at the party.
Someone might see it.
- Are you hard up for entertainment?
- Huh?
- First Dan, now me.
- No, no, no. The line-up is bear cool.
- I'm joking.
- Exactly. I was...
as well.
Dan's definitely up
for it, then, yeah?
Yeah.
He's really looking forward to it.
Listen, help yourself to whatever, yeah?
If you need me, buzz on my nads.
I'm off on fly ops.
- All right, babes?
- Can I help?
Nathan Barley, and you've just been
invited to the Trashbat party.
- Do you have an appointment?
- Don't need one. I'm a mate of Dan's.
He's gone out.
Yeah? That's no bother.
Just put a few stickers up, yeah?
- Yeah. But don't...
- 0i! What's this tramp racing shit?
Ned man!
Coming over, yeah?
Stick a few of these
around for me, yeah?
Hey, you should come, doll snatch.
It's gonna be totally fucking Mexico.
Check this, my niggers.
0nline tramp racing from Russia.
Totally de-reg, yeah?
- (Rufus) What's that?
- (Nathan) 0K, that's the weigh-in area.
(Rufus) 0h, mental. Jeez.
(Nathan) They're pissed the whole time.
The guards use guns.
- Sometimes they use cattle prods.
- (Rufus) Go on!
(Nathan) Look at this fucker.
I think he's ex-KGB. Mental.
He's gonna win us money. Watch him.
He'll fucking clean up. Here we go.
0K, they're lining up.
They're gonna start.
(Ned) This is...
(Rufus laughs)
- 0h, mate.
- (Commentary in Russian)
- This is my desk.
- Have you seen this? Tramp races.
It's well lost, man.
Your cells are getting everywhere.
It's fucking hilarious,
and you can't lose.
It's a new site. 99 per cent
payout for the first three weeks.
Go on!
- Go on! Yes!
- 0h, no!
Yes, snap his fucking hoop.
0h!
65 notes.
Yeah, I'm going to sleep.
0h, yeah.
Respect for that.
- Catch some Susans.
- Yeah, break a Chinaman, yeah?
Yesterday Dickon at Nailgun won a grand.
Hey, Preach, Preach, have a go
at a tooth-pulling race. It's well sly.
No.
See you at the party, then.
Futures, Preach.
I'm not a preacher man.
Danbo. I hear you are dressing up
as a preacher man.
No.
Apparently you are.
I'm not a preacher man.
Nathan Barley just told me
you were doing a turn.
(muted beeping)
Yeah!
Major breakthrough!
Claire, check this out.
(pounding techno music)
Huh? Fucking unbelievable.
All right, Dan?
All right, Dan?
Have you got my money?
Right, I'll see you
at the party, then.
Can I borrow your laptop?
Er, Nathan's laptop, yeah.
I know, you'll love this one.
It's well girlie.
Where's the ice cream?
Where's the ice cream?
Where's the ice cream?
Where's the ice cream?
Where's the ice cream?
He's just made himself nine coffees.
Yeah.
- I'm going to sleep.
- 0h, yeah.
(commentary in Russian)
- (Claire) What are you doing?
- Work.
(commentary continues)
- Yes!
- Fucking hell! I mean it, Dan.
- Go on! Sorry. All right.
- Fucking hell! Shut up!
Dan!
- Yes!
- Dan.
Yes.
That's it.
All right. Come on.
Come on, come on, come on.
- Yes!
- Shut up!
- I've won.
- You're gambling?
- Where does it go when you turn it off?
- What?
The internet.
It owes me three grand.
And that's Nathan's computer.
Well done.
(music gets louder)
Can I help at all?
I mean, help music?
(plays kazoo)
0oh, soothing. The spoon of
music, giving you the medicine.
If you need me, I'm gonna
be up for at least
four or five days, so
anytime you want me,
I'll be there.
See you at the party, preacher man.
(♪ Electronic dance)
- 0i, mate!
- Yeah?
- This is shit.
- What?
You're rubbish.
Maximum!
Hey, Claire.
Where's Dan?
0ne minute.
(mobile phone rings)
Hello, Claire.
Dan?
Where are you?
I can't come. I've hurt my leg.
Claire? Claire?
Get in.
0h, Mr Ashcroft.
You can go straight in.
- Yeah. Get me thrown out.
- What?
- Get me thrown out.
- But you're the star guest.
Yeah, well,
get these guys to throw me out.
- But they're for troublemakers.
- Well, I'm a troublemaker.
No, you're not.
- That's no trouble.
- I've got a gun.
- Have you?
- No, he hasn't.
I have. Got a shotgun
strapped to my back.
Really?
- Look.
- See?
Dan, get in there.
You're in trouble, yeah? I've got a gun.
I'm gonna kill everyone in here.
It's your fault.
Was that a gun that wasn't on his back?
Was it?
(♪ "Einstein A Go-Go" by Landscape)
Do you want a drink?
Hey, preacher man.
Wise party.
Yeah, yeah. Scope the projections, yeah?
Well abject!
Daniel.
Meet Thomas, my drug dealer.
Hey, preacher man, this is me.
Yeah? I'm me.
This is me. Succeed.
Hey, you're the preacher man, yeah?
Isn't Nathan Barley brilliant? Whoo!
Well, ladies and gentle bucks,
Dan Ashcroft is in the house!
We have the preacher man.
(crowd chant) Preacher man.
Preacher man.
Preacher man.
Preacher man.
Preacher man.
Preacher man.
Preacher man.
Preacher man.
Preacher man.
Preacher man.
Preacher man.
Preacher man.
This is gonna be so fucking bum.
I'm going to do the rap. Say, "So say
Brother Nathan" when I point at you.
- What?
- "So say Brother Nathan."
I'll point at you. Yeah?
I am the Trashbat, you are the Trashbat,
we are all the Trashbat!
Amorphous synergy culture.
Believe.
We are the shit.
We will fuck you up!
(raps) Trashbat is... Are you ready?
Trashbat is... Are you sure?
Trashbat is... Here we go.
A night down the pub with your mates
and it's fucking mental.
A move from the pub to the club
for some awesome sounds.
Chopping the chalk out on the cistern,
snouting it up and fucking the system.
- So say Brother Nathan.
- Trash.
- So say Brother Nathan.
- Check dis! Donnie Darko, Howard Marks,
polar bears, the bloke from Sparks,
tits and arse, fucking on grass,
Huggy Bear, Malcolm X,
Memorex, MP3, MTV,
Billy Hicks, swinging
dicks, Marlon Brando,
dead Jill Dando -
not the fucking mondo blando!
So say Brother Nathan.
Apes!
- So say Brother Nathan.
- Trashbat is the 9/11 of the mind.
Believe the cleverlution.
A big hand
for Dan "Preacher Man" Ashcroft.
No, this is sh... Stop it. Stop it.
You're all fucking idiots.
Yeah, you're all fucking idiots.
- Stop it, all right?
- God save the preacher man.
He tells it like it is.
(Dan) Yeah. You're idiots.
Shut up. Just listen to me, 0K?
You're just... You're retards.
There's something wrong.
There's...
- Shut up!
- (All) Preacher man!
No. Stop calling me that.
I'm not a preacher man.
- Preacher man.
- (Dan) No! Stop saying that.
- I'm not a preacher man, 0K?
- Preacher man.
I'm not a preacher man.
- Shut up! Shut up!
- Preacher man. Preacher man.
Stop it.
I'm not a preacher man.
No! I'm not a preacher man!
(echoing) Preacher man!
(raps) A taxi home with
a bird who's hitting
on you like some kind
of industrial hammer.
You're stroking her tits, tending the
garden, giving the
taxi driver a hard-on.
Now, back home, fingers roam.
Fat reggae
on the decks and you're
feeling the foam.
Trashbat says, "Nice and gently."
"Easy as you park the Bentley."
Bring it down.
Trashbat is two people,
leaping from the Twin Towers,
but they're fucking on the way down.
Trashbat is not George Bush.
Take a smack in the mush.
You're the President Evil,
the resident weasel, the axis of diesel.
Fuck Enron! Fuck Enron!
Fuck Enron cos it's fucking wrong!
Trash!
(echoing) Peace and fucking.
(echoing) Peace and fucking. Believe.
Visiontext Subtitles: Jo Clarke
Goo-goo.
Goo-goo.
Night, Toby.
Night, Toby.
Hm?
You didn't say "good night".
- I was asleep.
- I know.
Sleep well!
Classic.
(techno music pounding)
All right, Claire?
This one's really working.
Best bit's in about an hour and a half.
(music stops)
(alarm)
Trashbat party, yeah?
You can come.
You can come, right?
You can come. Get startled, yeah?
You can come.
You can come twice.
You can come multiple times.
- Yeah?
- (♪ "Theme from The Prisoner" ringtone)
Barley UK?
Toby!
Check this out,
you bleeding fucking bum wart.
"A night down the pub with your mates
and it's fucking mental."
"A move from the pub to the club
for some awesome sounds."
Yeah?
- (man) Who's that?
- Nancy Spungen.
Dan Ashcroft. Ashcroft,
Ashcroft, Ashcroft.
(Buzzer)
(♪ "Shine A Little Love" by EL0)
Hey, Dan, we got
something for you, mate.
Yeah, very... very funny.
- We put your head on a preacher's body.
- Yeah, you're the preacher man.
Yeah, look, yeah?
You've slaughtered the pig of ignorance.
Cos we checked pigs
and they've got absolutely no idea.
Pigs are saddos, yeah?
Pigs are actually quite intelligent.
We could change it to a hen.
They're well dense.
- You know about hens?
- What is this for?
The magazine.
The picture goes next to your column.
Yeah, yeah. Like, we've, er, like,
mocked up a preacher man cover.
Like, Jonatton just said...
Yo, Danbo.
- Here, what's this?
- Shit, or something.
So we're not running it?
- Unless we are.
- Yeah, but it's just... stupid.
Stupid people think it's cool,
smart people think it's a joke.
Also cool.
- But...
- Max at The Weekend on Sunday agrees.
- So you spoke to him?
- I'd debate the tits off this,
but I've got an 11:07.
- Yeah, well, it's 10:30, so...
- Yeah.
And one of them.
Preacher man costume's there.
Wear it out in mong land.
You've gone to piddle.
(knocking)
Hang on.
- Dan Ashcroft?
- Erm, he's left already.
Don Gibbard, Gedge and Co.
Can I come in?
Erm, yeah.
- What's this about?
- He owes Phatscreen Video £2,492.
- What?
- Yeah, he's...
He's had Pete's Dragon out
for seven years.
- Is this his?
- No, that's mine.
- Are you his wife?
- No. Sister.
- Claire?
- Yeah.
- Good, cos it's in your name, too.
- But that's my camera.
There's the sig, love.
But I didn't sign that.
You pay us the money,
you get your camera back.
Dan!
So?
What are you going to do about it?
I'm gonna tell him not to run it.
My camera, Dan, not your stupid comic.
Look at it.
I look an idiot.
It was worth two grand.
You faked my signature.
- I'll pay for a new one.
- What with?
- Some pounds.
- You haven't even said sorry.
- (Nathan) Trashbat party, yeah?
- 0h, fuck off.
Trashbat party, yeah?
Dan. Clairebabes.
Whoa-ho! Well cheeks, man.
Well cheeks.
It's exactly what you
are - the preacher man.
In nomine thingummy.
Trashbat party this Friday, yeah?
It's gonna be well Jackson.
Fuck you later, Preach.
Hey! Could you come to the party on
Friday in your preacher man gear?
- Could you?
- No.
- Course he can. He's just messing.
- Shut up.
- Shut up, fat arms.
- He'd love to.
Fucking A-hole.
I'll put you on the flyer, Preach.
- Preacher man.
- (Door opens and closes)
You'll do it, Dan.
- Not if I get you the money.
- Yeah, right. So you'll do it.
- Is that your film?
- Reformed junkies.
- Junkie choir, yeah?
- Yeah.
Bum.
I'm going to sing you a song.
It's called "890 days of Slavery".
(♪ Mandolin)
- Yeah, let's get into this.
- ♪ I didn't even know my place
♪ But I aimed too high
and I went over the line
♪ I started punching myself
in the very same place
♪ The face
♪ Yeah,
I started punching myself in the face
Aaargh!
Do it with me.
Aaargh!
Go on. Aaargh!
- That is... that's...
- So sad.
Yeah. It's amazing.
Hey, we should mix
some beats with this.
Project it at the party.
Someone might see it.
- Are you hard up for entertainment?
- Huh?
- First Dan, now me.
- No, no, no. The line-up is bear cool.
- I'm joking.
- Exactly. I was...
as well.
Dan's definitely up
for it, then, yeah?
Yeah.
He's really looking forward to it.
Listen, help yourself to whatever, yeah?
If you need me, buzz on my nads.
I'm off on fly ops.
- All right, babes?
- Can I help?
Nathan Barley, and you've just been
invited to the Trashbat party.
- Do you have an appointment?
- Don't need one. I'm a mate of Dan's.
He's gone out.
Yeah? That's no bother.
Just put a few stickers up, yeah?
- Yeah. But don't...
- 0i! What's this tramp racing shit?
Ned man!
Coming over, yeah?
Stick a few of these
around for me, yeah?
Hey, you should come, doll snatch.
It's gonna be totally fucking Mexico.
Check this, my niggers.
0nline tramp racing from Russia.
Totally de-reg, yeah?
- (Rufus) What's that?
- (Nathan) 0K, that's the weigh-in area.
(Rufus) 0h, mental. Jeez.
(Nathan) They're pissed the whole time.
The guards use guns.
- Sometimes they use cattle prods.
- (Rufus) Go on!
(Nathan) Look at this fucker.
I think he's ex-KGB. Mental.
He's gonna win us money. Watch him.
He'll fucking clean up. Here we go.
0K, they're lining up.
They're gonna start.
(Ned) This is...
(Rufus laughs)
- 0h, mate.
- (Commentary in Russian)
- This is my desk.
- Have you seen this? Tramp races.
It's well lost, man.
Your cells are getting everywhere.
It's fucking hilarious,
and you can't lose.
It's a new site. 99 per cent
payout for the first three weeks.
Go on!
- Go on! Yes!
- 0h, no!
Yes, snap his fucking hoop.
0h!
65 notes.
Yeah, I'm going to sleep.
0h, yeah.
Respect for that.
- Catch some Susans.
- Yeah, break a Chinaman, yeah?
Yesterday Dickon at Nailgun won a grand.
Hey, Preach, Preach, have a go
at a tooth-pulling race. It's well sly.
No.
See you at the party, then.
Futures, Preach.
I'm not a preacher man.
Danbo. I hear you are dressing up
as a preacher man.
No.
Apparently you are.
I'm not a preacher man.
Nathan Barley just told me
you were doing a turn.
(muted beeping)
Yeah!
Major breakthrough!
Claire, check this out.
(pounding techno music)
Huh? Fucking unbelievable.
All right, Dan?
All right, Dan?
Have you got my money?
Right, I'll see you
at the party, then.
Can I borrow your laptop?
Er, Nathan's laptop, yeah.
I know, you'll love this one.
It's well girlie.
Where's the ice cream?
Where's the ice cream?
Where's the ice cream?
Where's the ice cream?
Where's the ice cream?
He's just made himself nine coffees.
Yeah.
- I'm going to sleep.
- 0h, yeah.
(commentary in Russian)
- (Claire) What are you doing?
- Work.
(commentary continues)
- Yes!
- Fucking hell! I mean it, Dan.
- Go on! Sorry. All right.
- Fucking hell! Shut up!
Dan!
- Yes!
- Dan.
Yes.
That's it.
All right. Come on.
Come on, come on, come on.
- Yes!
- Shut up!
- I've won.
- You're gambling?
- Where does it go when you turn it off?
- What?
The internet.
It owes me three grand.
And that's Nathan's computer.
Well done.
(music gets louder)
Can I help at all?
I mean, help music?
(plays kazoo)
0oh, soothing. The spoon of
music, giving you the medicine.
If you need me, I'm gonna
be up for at least
four or five days, so
anytime you want me,
I'll be there.
See you at the party, preacher man.
(♪ Electronic dance)
- 0i, mate!
- Yeah?
- This is shit.
- What?
You're rubbish.
Maximum!
Hey, Claire.
Where's Dan?
0ne minute.
(mobile phone rings)
Hello, Claire.
Dan?
Where are you?
I can't come. I've hurt my leg.
Claire? Claire?
Get in.
0h, Mr Ashcroft.
You can go straight in.
- Yeah. Get me thrown out.
- What?
- Get me thrown out.
- But you're the star guest.
Yeah, well,
get these guys to throw me out.
- But they're for troublemakers.
- Well, I'm a troublemaker.
No, you're not.
- That's no trouble.
- I've got a gun.
- Have you?
- No, he hasn't.
I have. Got a shotgun
strapped to my back.
Really?
- Look.
- See?
Dan, get in there.
You're in trouble, yeah? I've got a gun.
I'm gonna kill everyone in here.
It's your fault.
Was that a gun that wasn't on his back?
Was it?
(♪ "Einstein A Go-Go" by Landscape)
Do you want a drink?
Hey, preacher man.
Wise party.
Yeah, yeah. Scope the projections, yeah?
Well abject!
Daniel.
Meet Thomas, my drug dealer.
Hey, preacher man, this is me.
Yeah? I'm me.
This is me. Succeed.
Hey, you're the preacher man, yeah?
Isn't Nathan Barley brilliant? Whoo!
Well, ladies and gentle bucks,
Dan Ashcroft is in the house!
We have the preacher man.
(crowd chant) Preacher man.
Preacher man.
Preacher man.
Preacher man.
Preacher man.
Preacher man.
Preacher man.
Preacher man.
Preacher man.
Preacher man.
Preacher man.
Preacher man.
This is gonna be so fucking bum.
I'm going to do the rap. Say, "So say
Brother Nathan" when I point at you.
- What?
- "So say Brother Nathan."
I'll point at you. Yeah?
I am the Trashbat, you are the Trashbat,
we are all the Trashbat!
Amorphous synergy culture.
Believe.
We are the shit.
We will fuck you up!
(raps) Trashbat is... Are you ready?
Trashbat is... Are you sure?
Trashbat is... Here we go.
A night down the pub with your mates
and it's fucking mental.
A move from the pub to the club
for some awesome sounds.
Chopping the chalk out on the cistern,
snouting it up and fucking the system.
- So say Brother Nathan.
- Trash.
- So say Brother Nathan.
- Check dis! Donnie Darko, Howard Marks,
polar bears, the bloke from Sparks,
tits and arse, fucking on grass,
Huggy Bear, Malcolm X,
Memorex, MP3, MTV,
Billy Hicks, swinging
dicks, Marlon Brando,
dead Jill Dando -
not the fucking mondo blando!
So say Brother Nathan.
Apes!
- So say Brother Nathan.
- Trashbat is the 9/11 of the mind.
Believe the cleverlution.
A big hand
for Dan "Preacher Man" Ashcroft.
No, this is sh... Stop it. Stop it.
You're all fucking idiots.
Yeah, you're all fucking idiots.
- Stop it, all right?
- God save the preacher man.
He tells it like it is.
(Dan) Yeah. You're idiots.
Shut up. Just listen to me, 0K?
You're just... You're retards.
There's something wrong.
There's...
- Shut up!
- (All) Preacher man!
No. Stop calling me that.
I'm not a preacher man.
- Preacher man.
- (Dan) No! Stop saying that.
- I'm not a preacher man, 0K?
- Preacher man.
I'm not a preacher man.
- Shut up! Shut up!
- Preacher man. Preacher man.
Stop it.
I'm not a preacher man.
No! I'm not a preacher man!
(echoing) Preacher man!
(raps) A taxi home with
a bird who's hitting
on you like some kind
of industrial hammer.
You're stroking her tits, tending the
garden, giving the
taxi driver a hard-on.
Now, back home, fingers roam.
Fat reggae
on the decks and you're
feeling the foam.
Trashbat says, "Nice and gently."
"Easy as you park the Bentley."
Bring it down.
Trashbat is two people,
leaping from the Twin Towers,
but they're fucking on the way down.
Trashbat is not George Bush.
Take a smack in the mush.
You're the President Evil,
the resident weasel, the axis of diesel.
Fuck Enron! Fuck Enron!
Fuck Enron cos it's fucking wrong!
Trash!
(echoing) Peace and fucking.
(echoing) Peace and fucking. Believe.
Visiontext Subtitles: Jo Clarke