My Wife and Kids (2001–2005): Season 5, Episode 5 - The Fellowship of the Baby - full transcript

BABY, THESE EGGS
ARE AMAZING.

THANK YOU.

[ STOMPING ]

HI.

I'M EXHAUSTED.

WHAT'S THE MATTER?

LIFE WITH THIS DAMN BABY.

HEY, WHAT'S WRONG
WITH THE BABY?

IT'S HERE ALL THE TIME!
I MEAN, IT'S SATURDAY!

I'M SUPPOSED TO BE ABLE
TO SLEEP IN ON SATURDAY!

I WORK EVERY DAY DURING
THE WEEK,



AND WHEN I CAME HOME EXHAUSTED,
I HAD TO BE A DADDY,

AND ALL I HEAR IS,
"WAH! WAH! WAH! WAH!"

I FEEL LIKE I GOT TWO JOBS

AND THE ONLY PAY I GET
IS PEOPLE SAY,

"AW, LOOK HOW CUTE
THE BABY IS."

WELL, WE DIDN'T EVEN GET THAT
WHEN YOU WERE A BABY.

ALL WE GOT WAS,
"WHAT IS THAT?

"IS THAT E.T.?

OUCH!"

WE WERE UP ALL NIGHT.
HE WAS FUSSING AND FIGHTING.

OH, THAT'S TOO BAD.
ISN'T THAT TOO BAD?

THAT'S SO BAD.

IS THAT BAGS UNDER...

LOOK, BABY, HE GOT BAGS
UNDER HIS EYES.



NO, NO, NO, THAT'S NOT JUST
BAGS, THAT'S LUGGAGE.

YEAH, RUB IT IN.

SORRY, SON.

LOOK, THIS IS THE FUN
OF BEING A GRANDPARENT.

SEE, WE'VE BEEN THERE
AND DONE THAT WITH YOU.

NOW WE GET A CHANCE
TO SIT BACK AND LAUGH.

IF I COULD DO IT
ALL OVER AGAIN,

I'D TAKE
THAT 30 SECONDS BACK.

17 SECONDS.

WOMAN!

ALL RIGHT, LOOK, I DON'T WANT
TO HEAR ALL THAT.

WHY DON'T WE TAKE THE BABY
SO YOU TWO

CAN GO GET YOURSELVES
A COUPLE OF HOURS OF SLEEP?

OH, THANK YOU,
MRS. KYLE.

DID HE BREAK MY TABLE?

MICHAEL, I'M REALLY WORRIED
ABOUT JUNIOR.

HE'S SO NEGATIVE ABOUT
THE FATHER THING.

IT CAN'T BE HEALTHY.

YOU SHOULD DO
SOMETHING, BABY.

WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO,
SPANK HIM?

DON'T HATE BEING A FATHER!

COME BACK HERE.

DON'T YOU NOT
LOVE YOUR SON!

BOY, DON'T YOU PUT...

[ SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY ]

STOP!

I WOULD SAY YES
IF I THOUGHT IT WOULD HELP,

BUT, REALLY, MICHAEL,

THESE KIDS ARE
AT A CRITICAL JUNCTURE.

REMEMBER HOW WE WERE
WHEN WE FIRST HAD JUNIOR?

THIS IS THE POINT WHERE SOME
PEOPLE GIVE UP FOREVER.

YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'VE GOT AN IDEA.

I'M GONNA DO THE SAME
THING TO HIM

THAT MY FATHER DID TO ME.

BEAT HIM AND POUR SALT
IN HIS WOUNDS?

NO.

LEMON JUICE?
NO.

BLEACH?
NO.

TURPENTINE?
NO.

WHAT?

THE MAGIC BABY.

OH, THE MAGIC BABY!

GOOD NIGHT, TONY.
I LOVE YOU.

OHH. MAN.
I ALWAYS DO THAT.

HAVE FUN WITH TONY?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING
IN MY ROOM?!

DON'T QUESTION ME, MISSY.

WHAT WERE YOU DOING OUT
OF YOUR ROOM AT THIS HOUR?

THAT'S NONE
OF YOUR BUSINESS.

OH, YOU'RE RIGHT.

IT'S MOM AND DAD'S BUSINESS.

I'LL GO AND ASK THEM.

NO, NO, WAIT.

YOU WOULDN'T DO THAT

TO YOUR BIG SISTER AGAIN,
WOULD YOU?

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

I THINK
YOU'RE BLACKMAILING ME

LIKE YOU'VE DONE EVER
SINCE YOU COULD TALK.

HAVE NO ARGUMENT
WITH THAT.

ALL RIGHT, WHAT DO YOU WANT?

AH, THE UNDERLYING
QUESTION...

WHAT DO I WANT?

HMM, LET'S SEE.

WHAT A PRETTY PURSE.

YOU'RE NOT GONNA
TAKE MY PURSE.

OH, OF COURSE NOT.

I WAS HOPING
YOU'D GIVE IT TO ME.

ALL RIGHT,
BUT AFTER THAT WE'RE EVEN.

OH, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

WE'RE EVEN
WHEN I SAY WE'RE EVEN.

[ LAUGHS EVILLY ]

LOOK WHO'S HERE.

GOOD MORNING.

Michael: HOW DID YOU SLEEP?

LIKE A BABY...
BUT NOT THAT BABY.

I SLEPT LIKE A GOOD BABY.

HEY!

DON'T TALK
ABOUT MY GRANDSON.

COME HERE. COME HERE.
COME HERE.

DON'T TALK ABOUT HIM.
THIS BABY HAS MAGICAL POWERS.

WHATEVER.

I'LL PROVE IT TO YOU.
GO AHEAD. TOUCH THE BABY.

ALL RIGHT, NOW PICK A NUMBER
BETWEEN 3 AND 5.

3 AND 5.

4.

WOW.

YOU SEE THAT?

YOU S...
LET'S DO ANOTHER ONE.

YEAH, DO ANOTHER ONE.

WHAT IS THE CAPITAL
OF SOUTH DAKOTA?

SOUTH DAKOTA CITY.

TOUCH THE BABY.

WHAT IS THE CAPITAL
OF PIERRE, SOUTH DAKOTA?

PIERRE.

IT'S MAGIC BABY.
IT'S MAGIC BABY.

OH, I DON'T BELIEVE THAT.

Michael:
LOOK, LET'S DO ANOTHER ONE.

WHO IS BURIED
IN GRANT'S TOMB, JUNIOR?

JUNIOR.

MNH-MNH?

IN GRANT'S TOMB, JUNIOR?

OH, I'M SORRY. TOMB.

WOW. WOW.

PUT YOUR HAND ON THE BABY.

ALL RIGHT,
LET'S TRY GRANT AGAIN.

GRANT!

SEE?
THAT'S FANTASTIC.

I-I GOT THAT?

Michael: YOU GOT IT RIGHT
BY YOURSELF, SON.

WOW! MAYBE THE BABY
IS MAGIC!

OF COURSE HE IS.

SEE, THIS IS TRUE
OF ALL FIRSTBORN KYLES.

BEFORE YOU WERE BORN,
I WAS DUMB AS A POST.

DUMB.

I WAS DUMB.

DUMBER THAN DUMB.

I WAS AN IDIOT.
I WAS LIKE YOU.

BUT THEN YOU WERE BORN,

AND ALL I HAD TO DO
WAS TOUCH RIGHT HERE

ON THE HOOK OF YOUR HEAD
AND...

[ IMITATES GRINDING ]

KNOWLEDGE.

WOW, THAT...
ASK ME ANOTHER QUESTION.

MAKE IT A TOUGH ONE
THIS TIME, BABY.

OKAY, I'LL TRY ANOTHER ONE.

WHEN DID WORLD WAR II START?

I GOT THIS ONE.

I DON'T EVEN NEED
TO TOUCH THE BABY.

WORLD WAR II STARTED

BETWEEN WORLD WAR I
AND WORLD WAR III.

YEAH!

[ LAUGHS ]

YEAH!

OKAY, THAT'S GOOD.

THAT'S GOOD, SON,
BUT LISTEN, LISTEN.

WE CAN GET A LITTLE CLOSER.

YEAH!

JUNIOR.

WHOO!
HOLD ON, HOLD ON.

GOT ANOTHER ONE?

OKAY.
TELL HIM TO TOUCH THE BABY.

I THINK YOU CAN GET A LITTLE
CLOSER TO THE ACTUAL DATE

IF YOU TOUCH THE 1939 BABY.

1939, BABY.

WOW, THIS BOY IS BRILLIANT.

BUT THERE'S MORE.

MORE?

1939... HITLER'S NAZI TROOPS
BLITZKRIEGED POLAND

AND WORLD WAR II COMMENCES,

PLUNGING THE WORLD
INTO THE DARKNESS

OF TOTAL CONFLICT
AND SETTING THE STAGE

FOR THE ENGLISH BULLDOG,
WINSTON CHURCHILL,

TO LOCK HORNS WITH THE DEVIL
OF DEUTSCHLAND.

OHHH!

JUNIOR!

JUNIOR!

W-W-W-WHAT HAPPENED?

WAS I RIGHT?

YEAH, YOU GOT IT RIGHT.

I-I WAS RIGHT?

I'M SMART!

OH, MY GOD,
I GOT TO GO TELL VANESSA!

YEAH!

Jay: MICHAEL, SOMETHING
IS BOTHERING ME.

ME TOO.
I'M GLAD YOU SAID IT,

'CAUSE I FEEL STRESSED OUT
AND CLOGGED UP.

I WAS HOPING YOU COULD
DO THAT THING...

UNH-UNH, UNH-UNH, UNH-UNH.

I'M NOT FALLING FOR THAT

"I NEED TO RELIEVE MY STRESS"
ROUTINE, OKAY?

OKAY. I WAS JUST TRYING
TO TAKE A SHOT.

NO, YOU'RE NOT.

ANYWAY, WHAT'S BOTHERING ME
IS JUNIOR.

WHY?

I THOUGHT THE MAGIC-BABY THING
WAS WORKING REALLY WELL.

YEAH, A LITTLE TOO WELL,
MICHAEL. COME ON.

DO YOU REMEMBER AT THE END

WHEN HE WALKED ABOUT
WORLD WAR II

AND THE DEVIL
OF DEUTSCHLAND?

HOW DID HE KNOW ALL THAT?

YOU DIDN'T FEED IT TO HIM
SUBLIMINALLY.

WELL, THAT'S THE MAGIC
OF THE MAGIC-BABY TRICK.

WHAT IT DOES IS GIVE YOU
THE CONFIDENCE

TO UNLOCK THE KNOWLEDGE

THAT'S ALREADY INSIDE
OF YOUR HEAD.

BUT I DIDN'T KNOW HE HAD
ANY KNOWLEDGE TO UNLOCK.

WHAT DO YOU THINK,
HIS HEAD IS JUST HOLLOW,

THAT IT'S FULL OF STYROFOAM
PACKING PEANUTS OR SOMETHING?

I'M NOT BUYING IT.
SOMETHING IS UP.

GREETINGS AND SALUTATIONS.

I CANNOT TELL YOU GUYS
HOW SMART I FEEL

WHEN I'M HOLDING THIS BABY.

I'M GONNA SHOW YOU
SOMETHING.

WATCH THIS.

JUNIOR,
LET ME HOLD THE BABY.

OKAY. GO TO GRANDPA.

OKAY.

NOW, IN YOUR NEW STATE
OF INTELLECTUAL GRACE,

I WANT YOU TO ANSWER ME
THIS MATHEMATICAL QUERY.

WHAT IS PI?

A DELICIOUS DESSERT.

OKAY, TOUCH THE BABY.

WHAT IS PI?

OH, PI IS A SYMBOL DENOTING

THE RATIO OF THE CIRCUMFERENCE
OF A CIRCLE

TO ITS DIAMETER.

THE RATIO ITSELF IS EQUAL
TO APPROXIMATELY 3.1416

OR THE FRACTION 22/7.

TAKE YOUR HAND OFF
THE BABY.

BANANA CREAM. HA!

IT'S INCREDIBLE, ISN'T IT?

IT IS.

YOU KNOW, I'M GONNA GO LEARN
SOME NEW THINGS.

CAN I HAVE MY BABY BACK?

GO FORTH AND MULTIPLY.

WHILE YOU'RE AT IT, DO SOME
DIVISION AND SUBTRACTION.

HA!

I GET IT... MULTIPLY...
A BIBLICAL REFERENCE

YOKED TO MATHEMATICAL
TERMINOLOGY

RESULTING IN A DOUBLE
ENTENDRE.

[ LAUGHS ]

THAT'S CLEVER... NOT WITTY,
BUT, OH, SO CLEVER.

[ LAUGHS ]

HEY, GUYS.

DID YOU KNOW THAT THE SUN

IS 93 MILLION MILES
AWAY FROM THE EARTH

AND THAT WITHOUT THE SUN,
THE EARTH WOULD DIE?

AND IF YOU TOOK A PIN-SIZED
PIECE OF THE SUN

AND SET IT ON THE GROUND

THAT YOU COULDN'T STAND WITHIN
90 MILES OF IT

BECAUSE OF THE HEAT?

[ LAUGHS ]

WHERE DOES THIS COME FROM?

YOU KNOW, THAT'S VERY
INTERESTING, EINSTEIN,

BUT YOUR MOTHER AND I
ARE TRYING TO READ.

WHY BOTHER READING WHEN YOU HAVE
ME AND THE MAGIC BABY...

ENCYCLOPEDIA JUNIOR JUNIOR?

OH, ANOTHER INTERESTING
FACTOID...

ONLY 10% OF THE POPULATION
IS LEFT-HANDED

WHILE 89% ARE RIGHT-HANDED
AND 1% HAVE NO HANDS AT ALL.

I'M SO BRILLIANT.

YOU CREATED A MONSTER.

ACTUALLY, MARY SHELLEY CREATED
THE FRANKENSTEIN MONSTER

WHILE VACATIONING
WITH THE POET BYRON.

YES, SHE DID.

GET OUT!

GETTING OUT.

MICHAEL,
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO

ABOUT THIS ARROGANT CHILD
YOU CREATED?

HE'LL BE FINE.

SOONER OR LATER,
HE'S GONNA FIGURE OUT

THAT IT'S NOT THE BABY
AND THAT IT'S HIM.

BABY, HOW IS HE GONNA
DO THAT?

HE SEEMS TO KNOW EVERYTHING.

YEAH, WELL, I CALLED
FOR A LITTLE HELP.

I CAME AS FAST AS I COULD.

ALL RIGHT,
WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?

LISTEN, JUNIOR HAS
BECOME REALLY SMART,

AND I NEED YOU TO TAKE HIM DOWN
JUST A PEG.

DID YOU TELL HIM
THE MAGIC BABY STORY?

YEAH.

FOOL!

ALL RIGHT, THIS
ISN'T GONNA BE EASY.

DO YOU WANT HIM
BACK TO DIM BULB

OR ALL THE WAY
TO CRO-MAGNON?

NO, NO, NO, WE LIKE THE FACT

THAT THE BABY
MAKES HIM FEEL SMARTER.

WE JUST DON'T WANT HIM TO BE
ARROGANT ABOUT IT.

[ Laughing ] WELL, ACTUALLY,

ARROGANCE IS A SIGN
OF INTELLIGENCE.

BRING HIM IN.

JUNIOR!

DID YOU KNOW THAT PUDDING,
SURPRISINGLY,

WAS NOT INVENTED BY BILL COSBY
BUT RATHER BY...

PETER COOPER, WHO OBTAINED
THE FIRST PATENT

ON GELATIN DESSERT IN 18...

45.
HELLO, MUMFORD.

KYLE.

WHAT BRINGS YOU BY?

I HEAR YOU'VE GOTTEN
SUPER SMART,

AND I WAS WONDERING IF
YOU WANTED TO MATCH WITS

WITH A GENIUS.

OH, SURE, IF YOU HAPPEN
TO KNOW ONE, SEND HIM BY.

[ LAUGHTER ]

CLEVER, NOT WITTY,
BUT, OH, SO CLEVER.

I THINK A LITTLE COMPETITION
WILL BE HEALTHY FOR BOTH OF YOU.

I HAVE IN MY HAND
THE BIG BOOK OF FACTS.

I'LL START THE FESTIVITIES.

FRANKLIN, WHAT IS THE FASTEST
ANIMAL ON SIX LEGS?

THE COCKROACH,
AND I HOPE TO GOD

YOU'RE GOING TO ASK MORE
CHALLENGING QUESTIONS

THAN THAT ONE.

UH, JUNIOR, WHAT'S THE LONGEST
WORD IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE

WITH LETTERS
IN ALPHABETICAL ORDER?

OH, I KNOW THIS... ALMOST.

NO, JUNIOR, YOU HAVE TO
KNOW IT COMPLETELY.

NO, HE'S RIGHT, BABY.
THE WORD IS "ALMOST."

DUH.

MR. KYLE,
WE COULD DO THIS ALL DAY.

I MEAN, ANYONE CAN ANSWER
QUESTIONS LIKE

WHAT PLANET IS THE ONLY PLANET
THAT ROTATES CLOCKWISE?

VENUS. WHAT IS THE ONLY ANIMAL
TO FLY BACKWARDS?

HUMMINGBIRD.

WHAT'S THE ACTUAL TERM
FOR ONE 100th OF A SECOND?

A JIFFY.

WHAT IS THE LONGEST
THAT A SNAIL CAN SLEEP?

THREE YEARS.

ELECTRICITY DOES NOT FLOW
THROUGH THE WIRE

BUT RATHER A FIELD
AROUND THE WIRE.

WHAT ARE THE NAMES
OF THE THREE WISE MONKEYS?

THEIR NAMES ARE MIZARU,
MIKAZARU, AND MAZARU.

ALL RIGHT!
ALL RIGHT!

OKAY, WE'RE NEVER GOING TO GET
ANYWHERE WITH THIS.

YOU BOTH ARE JUST
FREAKS OF NATURE.

YES, I AM
AS SMART AS FRANKLIN.

I'M SORRY, MR. AND MRS. KYLE.
I TRIED MY BEST.

HEY, MUMFORD, STOP BY ANY TIME
YOU NEED SOME SCHOOLING.

YOU KNOW, ONE DAY THAT
BABY'S GONNA GROW UP

AND THEN YOU'LL BE STUPID AGAIN.

STUPID, STUPID, STUPID.

YEAH!

TIME TO FEED THE BABY.

DAD, I'VE DECIDED THAT I'M GOING
TO RETAKE THE S.A.T.s,

GET A PERFECT SCORE,
GO TO HARVARD,

AND THEN BECOME PRESIDENT.

THEN, AFTER I BECOME PRESIDENT,

I'M GOING TO MOVE INTO THE WHITE
HOUSE AND PAINT IT GREEN

SO WE'LL CALL IT THE GREEN HOUSE
FOR THE GREENHOUSE EFFECT.

THEN AFTER THAT, I'M GONNA
ERADICATE WORLD HUNGER.

EXCEPT FOR IN HUNGARY,

BECAUSE YOU CAN'T GET RID
OF THE HUNGER IN HUNGARY.

HA HA! YEAH!

OKAY, YOU NEED
TO TAKE THE BABY BACK.

YEAH!

[ LAUGHTER ]

HERE'S YOUR TOAST,
YOU LITTLE PEST.

PLEASE REFER TO ME
AS "QUEEN PEST."

WHATEVER.
HERE'S YOUR TOAST.

UH, THAT'S NOT MY TOAST.

I ASKED FOR BUTTER
WITH A SMIDGEN OF JELLY.

I'LL SMIDGEN YOU
WITH THIS KNIFE.

OH, VIOLENCE.

SO, ON TOP OF THE FACT THAT
YOU'RE SNEAKING AROUND,

YOU WANT TO ADD HOMICIDE
TO YOUR RéSUMé?

OHH!

HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY.
WHAT IS GOING ON IN HERE?

MOM, SOMETHING
VERY INTERESTING

HAPPENED THE OTHER NIGHT.

UH, YOUR MUFFIN'S COMING
RIGHT UP, QUEEN PEST.

WASN'T THAT INTERESTING,
AFTER ALL.

WELL, WE'RE OFF.

AND WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

TO RETAKE THE S.A.T.s,
ME AND MY MAGIC BABY.

WELL, GOOD LUCK.

MOM, LUCK HAS NOTHING
TO DO WITH IT.

THIS BABY HAS GIVEN ME ACCESS TO
MY SECOND BRAIN OF INFORMATION.

THERE'S NOTHING I DON'T KNOW.

WELL, MAYBE YOU DON'T
KNOW THIS...

YOU CAN'T TAKE A BABY
TO THE S.A.T. TEST.

HUH?

SO, YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO
LEAVE HIM HERE.

I'LL WATCH HIM.

NO, NO, NO.
YOU CAN'T HAVE THE BABY.

JUNIOR,
LISTEN TO YOUR FATHER.

NO, NO!

I'VE NEVER BEEN SMART BEFORE
AND I'M NOT GOING BACK.

I MEAN, YOU PEOPLE HAVE NO IDEA
WHAT IT'S LIKE

TO STOP AT A STOP SIGN
AND WAIT FOR IT TO TURN GREEN.

JUNIOR!

YOU CAN'T TAKE THE BABY
TO THE S.A.T.s!

I CAN TAKE THE BABY
IF I WANT TO.

GIVE ME THIS BABY.
GIVE ME MY GRANDCHILD.

OH! I.Q. DROPPING!
LOSING MENTAL ACUITY.

AW, STUPID, STUPID, STUPID.

SON, LISTEN TO ME.

IT'S NEVER BEEN
ABOUT THE BABY.

YES, IT WAS.
THE BABY MADE ME SMART.

NO, THE BABY
WAS JUST A PLACEBO.

PLACEBO?

I THOUGHT WE THREW THAT OUT
WITH THE UMBILICAL CORD.

JUNIOR, LOOK, YOU WERE
SMARTER WHEN YOU HELD THE BABY

BECAUSE YOU THOUGHT
YOU WERE SMARTER.

IT'S THE SAME THING
MY FATHER DID TO ME

WHEN HE PUT YOU IN MY ARMS.

HE TOLD ME THAT YOU WERE
A MAGIC BABY.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
HE WAS RIGHT.

NOW, YOU GO TAKE THAT TEST
AND MAKE YOUR DAD PROUD.

OKAY.
I'LL TRY.

VERY GOOD.

CLAIRE, YOU STARTLED ME.

NEVER SCARE SOMEONE
IN THE MIDDLE OF A MOVEMENT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

UM, HOW ABOUT I LIVE HERE?

UH, YES, THAT.

YOU KNOW, BECAUSE
I LOVE HER SO MUCH,

SOMETIMES I THINK THAT KADY IS
THE ONLY PERSON IN THIS HOUSE.

THAT'S WHO I WANT TO TALK
TO YOU ABOUT.

IT'S MY FAVORITE SUBJECT.

SHE'S BLACKMAILING ME.

♪ LA, LA, LA, LA ♪

LISTEN TO ME.

SHE'S NOT PERFECT.
IN FACT, SHE'S A CRIMINAL.

BLASPHEMY!
FIRST OF ALL,

IF KADY IS BLACKMAILING YOU
AS YOU HAVE ALLEGED,

THEN YOU MUST'VE DONE
SOMETHING BLACKMAIL-ABLE.

YEAH, I WAS OUT WITH TONY,
AND I SNUCK IN LATE.

OH, REALLY?

I'LL BET YOU WOULDN'T WANT

YOUR PARENTS TO KNOW
ABOUT THAT, WOULD YOU?

NO, I WOULDN'T.

I SURE HOPE NO ONE PUTS
THAT TO MUSIC

AND LETS THE WHOLE WORLD
KNOW THAT...

♪ CLAIRE SNUCK OUT
WITH TONY LAST NIGHT ♪

♪ CLAIRE SNUCK OUT
WITH TONY LAST NIGHT ♪

STOP IT!

TWO CAN PLAY THAT GAME,
YOU LITTLE RUNT.

I'M GONNA TELL KADY
THAT YOU KISSED ME.

BUT THAT'S PREPOSTEROUS.
I HAVEN'T KISSED...

YOU TRICKED ME!

THAT'S WHAT EVERY MAN SAYS
AND NO WOMAN BELIEVES.

ALL RIGHT, WHAT
DO YOU WANT TO KNOW?

I WANT TO KNOW
WHAT SHE DOES WRONG.

HOW CAN I EVEN THE SCORE?

IT'S IMPOSSIBLE.
SHE'S PERFECT.

EXCEPT FOR THE OCCASIONAL
EXTORTION SCHEME,

SHE'S FLAWLESS,
BEYOND REPROACH.

THERE MUST BE SOMETHING.

THERE ISN'T,
UNLESS YOU COUNT

AN IRRATIONAL LOVE OF ICE CREAM
A WEAKNESS.

HMM, ICE CREAM.

THANK YOU, FRANKLIN.

WHAT? I'VE DONE NOTHING.

IF YOU TELL HER I SAID
ANYTHING, I'LL DENY IT.

GO AHEAD.

DENIAL IS THE FIRST SIGN
OF GUILT.

CURSES!

THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IS HERE!
THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IS HERE!

AHA! I GOT YOU.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

GETTING SOME ICE CREAM?

BUT YOU JUST TOOK MONEY
OUT OF MOM'S CHANGE JAR.

DID I? ME?

ISN'T THAT
WHAT IT'S HERE FOR?

NO, AND YOU KNOW THAT.

MOM PUTS ALL HER CHANGE
IN THERE.

AT THE END OF THE YEAR,
SHE BUYS FOOD FOR ORPHANS.

SO, TECHNICALLY, YOU'RE
STEALING MONEY FROM ORPHANS.

REALLY?

YEAH. HOW OFTEN
HAVE YOU BEEN DOING THIS?

THIS IS THE FIRST TIME.

THIS WEEK?

TODAY.

SO, IT LOOKS LIKE
YOU AND I ARE EVEN.

I GUESS SO.

SO, ARE YOU GONNA PUT
THE MONEY BACK,

OR ARE YOU GONNA SPEND IT
ON ICE CREAM?

I'LL PUT IT BACK.

[ SIGHS ]

LOOK, YOU AND I ARE GONNA BE
SISTERS FOR A LONG TIME,

SO I THINK WE OUGHT TO MAKE
A RULE

THAT WE'RE NOT GONNA TATTLE
ON EACH OTHER.

YOU'RE RIGHT.

SO, DO WE HAVE A DEAL?

DEAL.

THE ICE CREAM TRUCK'S
STILL HERE.

RUB IT IN.

LET ME BUY YOU ONE.

REALLY?

I'VE BEEN TAKING MONEY
FROM THIS JAR

YEARS BEFORE YOU.

WHERE'S MY COFFEE, WOMAN?!

I'M KIDDING, I'M KIDDING.

HEY, GUYS.

HEY, GOOD MORNING,
YOU TWO.

DAD, THE MOST INCREDIBLE THING
HAPPENED LAST NIGHT.

THIS REALLY IS
A MAGIC BABY.

HE PERFORMED
HIS FIRST TRICK.

REALLY? WHAT WAS IT?

HE SLEPT THROUGH THE NIGHT.

AW.

YOU SEE, THAT'S BECAUSE
HE'S CONFIDENT NOW

THAT HE HAS A FATHER
WHO CAN TAKE CARE OF HIM.

JUNIOR,
YOUR S.A.T. SCORES CAME.

O-O-OH, MY GOD.
I CAN'T OPEN IT.

MOM, YOU OPEN IT.
YOU OPEN IT.

OPEN IT.

I'M TOO NERVOUS.
YOU OPEN IT, MICHAEL.

I HAVE NO PROBLEM OPENING IT
BECAUSE I BELIEVE IN MY SON.

JUNIOR, ON YOUR OWN,
YOU SCORED AN 1160.

CONGRATULATIONS!

YES, YES, YES, YES!

I HAVE A CONFESSION
TO MAKE.

WHAT?

I HAD SOME OF THE ANSWERS
STASHED IN MY WALLET.

JUNIOR!

YOU CHEATED?

NO, NO, NO!

JUNIOR!

NO, I DIDN'T CHEAT.

I DIDN'T HAVE TO CHEAT.

I WENT INTO MY WALLET TO GET
THE ANSWERS,

AND WHEN I OPENED IT, I SAW
THIS PICTURE OF JUNIOR, JR.

SEE, I KNOW THIS STUFF,
OR AT LEAST 1160 WORTH.

AND YOU DID IT
WITHOUT THE MAGIC BABY.

YEAH!

All: YEAH!

HUH?

MNH-MNH, MNH-MNH.

WHAT IS PI?

A DELICIOUS DESSERT.
[ LAUGHS ]

PUT YOUR HAND ON THE BABY.

WHAT...
[ LAUGHS ]

PUT YOUR HAND ON THE BABY.

[ LAUGHS ]

I'M SORRY, SON,

BUT THESE ARE THE JOYS
OF BEING A GRANDPARENT.

[ LAUGHS ]

DID YOU JUST MISS
YOUR MOUTH?

[ LAUGHTER ]